Free online summit: Eneagrams 11 – 15 June

Hi,

More free online summits. This on the use and possibilities of the Eneagrams.

I am going to join because I need to look for another way of making money and my enneagram says ‘Perfectionist’ – which is funny in a very much not funny way.

Here is part of the email I got:

What if you had a roadmap — a “soul map” — for understanding who you are and what makes the people around you tick? A time-tested system that integrates your whole being and can be applied to every area of your life?

And what if this map could help you tap into your essential nature, resulting in truly authentic relationships and a deep sense of living on purpose?

This map exists, and it’s the Enneagram… a powerful personality typing system that serves as a profound gateway to your inner wisdom.

It can shed light on behaviors which might be undermining your ability to access wholeness, true intimacy and fulfilment of your life’s dreams.

Studying the Enneagram can be life changing — not only personally, but professionally as well…

That’s why I’m excited to invite you to one of our most popular annual events, The Enneagram Global Summit — a gathering of today’s top Enneagram experts who’ll bring light to this powerful psychological and spiritual tool for accessing more self-awareness and compassion for yourself and those around you.

Free Online Event
Enneagram Global Summit
June 11–15, 2018

We’re excited to bring you more than 45 of the world’s top experts — including Claudio Naranjo, Russ Hudson, Helen Palmer, Cheryl Richardson, Dan Siegel, Katie Hendricks, Robert Holden, A.H. Almaas (Hameed Ali), Jessica Dibb, Dr. David Daniels (posthumously), and others — sharing the latest insights and applications to integrate into your own personal growth journey and to take your Enneagram knowledge deeper.

During The Enneagram Global Summit, you’ll discover key insights and practices to break free from unhealthy patterns, reconnect with your true Self and realize your highest potential.

I hope you’ll join us for this special online gathering!

RSVP here for The Enneagram Global Summit — at no charge.

If you’re new to this ancient system, you’ll be guided to the best tests and practices for determining your individual type — including ways to differentiate between “look-alike” types.

You’ll start working with the core patterns of your type and begin to connect with the parts of yourself that allow you to respond to life spontaneously and creatively.

If you’re already well-versed in the Enneagram, you’ll take your work even deeper — empowering you to make YOUR contributions to the world!

Plus, you’ll fine-tune your understanding of how to use the less balanced aspects of each type as catalysts for personal and spiritual growth — and how to use the higher aspects of each type to raise your level of consciousness.

If you want a greater connection with your unique gifts, as well as more self-acceptance, self-love and compassion for others, join the amazing panel of presenters for this life-changing event.

RSVP here for The Enneagram Global Summit — at no charge.

I am happy that I quit. Having difficulty with not eating chocolate for the ‘Ramadan-light’ (no, that is not an official term :-)) I do pointed out that my transfer addictions are big so I started reading ‘The addictive personality’ by Craig Nakken again. I read that 2 times now and this is the 3rd. Still, every sentence is quote worthy. And again I experience it as comforting that this whole disease or what you want to call it is described in a book(let) even before I reached the legal drinking age. If you don’t have a copy, look it up on the net, plenty of second-hand versions around too.

What I find stressful and depressing but at times invigorating is that there are so many layers to peel off, so many layers of denial. And again and again I notice that it is COMPASSION which actually enables me to open my eyes to the denial. The hugbudy appreciating the abundance of my figure enabled me to actually look at it instead of scan it (while irritated).

And about compassion; I finished the ‘There is nothing wrong with you and on days I could stick to what it says but wow, it is difficult to change this dismissive behaviour of mine around. It does not make sense to re-read now so I continued in the Nakken book in order to see how he finds addiction leads to self-hate and lack of compassion. There is so much going on in the world which weighs me down deeply. But 2 things happening these days, thanks to Cristal Clear: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. And also: if I want to be able to work on worldpeace, I need to make peace with me and my past first. Isn’t it funny how the 12 steps pass by in my life and writing and they all seem to be needed in order to become clear, transparent.

A quote from Nakken: ‘Addicts keep delaying life issues as a way of nurturing themselves.’ How is that for a spot on description of procrastinating? By the way: the book includes a very clear explanation of how perfectionism builds up in a life and why it is so strongly linked to addiction.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day. Hope the new week brings good sober stuff into your life.

xx, Feeling

 

Tracing meridians for energy and health

I’ve done this and it feels great. Donna Eden shows how to trace the meridians (energy paths) in the body in order to feel energized. She is one of the speakers on the tapping conference on day 6 or 7, she’s still on now in my timezone. She is in the blue room, scroll down from the red and green room.

I have a new hypotheses: follow the happy people and see where it brings me.

I am happy that I quit, that still works, so that’s good. Had tiny urges last Friday after having done some very dusty and physical construction (well demolition) work at a friends and biking home in the spring sun suddenly made me ache for a beer. Guessing that is how I ‘learned’ to drink: work hard with my parents constructing a new house and drink beer after. Also the energy of nature awakening and the general feeling of ‘spring’ in the air to me is a little unsettling, getting in high spirits that I would usually let go of by drinking a lot, possibly in combination with taking a guy home from a pub. So…. that was informative. I guess I’ll need to keep an eye on that high spirits aspect in the coming weeks/months. Use if for something. Like spring cleaning 🙂 or sports :-).

I want: tot get organised but I still do not want to take that last step where I decide. Maybe, maybe I should take it easy on me and just do a little thing like not

I need: to get organised, and I feel I’m almost ready to accept that. I’m getting frustrated with how little I do in a day, even though I now wake up at 7:00 in the morning.

I want to: get organised but I still do not want to put the effort in. Just waiting for that rock-bottom? Learned a lot from Brad (?) on the procrastinating tapping interview. Where he tells (very free ‘quotes’) ‘While procrastinating we actually think that we take good care of ourselves – that is why and how we hang onto it.’ ‘If we procrastinate seriously we wait for rock-bottom to actually finally take action we are inspired by misery and somehow only think that doing stuff must be miserable’. These insights were (are?) very valuable to me. And now I come to think of it: procrastinating is one of my biggest ‘black holes’. I am so in denial that I do not even look for answers, I might listen if/when they happen to be on my path but otherwise? I can look up 10.001 things on the net, read books but never about this. Very uncomfortable with it. I feel as if I have ‘done so much already’ with quitting drinking.

I take: yeah, well, something funny here, I take Magnesium salt for (against…) a tiny muscle that tics above my eyelid but it is not going away and another effect that should be going away ‘being hungry after a meal’ has suddenly developed. It is strange. And expensive. And fattening :-D. Need to look up how this works. In Bach remedies or homeopathic medicine it can sometimes happen that at first things get worse. That means that the remedy is correct but the dose or strength is not. Hmmm, need to feel into that. Nah, don’t feel like it. 😀

I hope you have a nice day/evening/morning. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Epiphany

I woke up last night and had this epiphany (had to look that word up) about my food intake. My nutritionist and I had worked out that I need to take a look at doing 10.001 things at the same time. I did. And I do do 10.001 things at the same time and have difficulty focussing on anything but typing. It is irritating because I get to nothing and my rice always burns. It’s another addiction. It’s funny to realise through this process of getting sober and, well, working towards my goal of getting ‘clear’ and aligned with my spirit it that I am sort of running in circles – but at every turn spiralling inward a little. So step by step, turn by turn, day by day things that are unreal get chipped away from me. Like the tiny pieces of the caddis larvae leaving me. The pieces are about ‘opinions’ – all these opinions, pffff. The are about fear of not being seen and they are about fear of being seen. Fear of being loved and fear of not being loved. About bullshitting myself – loads of that going on. 🙂

Here is the larvae of a cadis, it has a soft outer skin so in order to survive it builds a little case around itself to protect itself against predators. There is also an art project where the artist gave the larvae tiny jewels to build the case with. 🙂 Lovely. Well, that is not me. I’ve build the case with angry and confused defense reactions to painful situations. So I guess it would be wise to let some of it go.

And now I guess I have walked into another addiction and I guess I will call it ‘diversion’. Had to look that up too, not sure if I chose the right word but I notice now that I get diverted easily and I LIKE IT. And it is not getting me anywhere. So…. things about diversion and how I deal with it pop up. As last night…

Not sure since when, but it must be YEARS, I have this constant intake of food and drink. Constantly stuffing my face as in a not wanting to feel what is actually going on – being with discomfort. And now, after about 5,5 months not drinking, it suddenly bothers me – at night of course, what other moment would me suitable for that?

So I lay in my bed and I probed towards the usual foods that I take and I got a no on most of them. So…. gonna do a 2 weeks of brown eco rice, vegetables, little fruit, fish, herb tea and hot water. Let’s see how that will work out. No promises. The conversation I had with me said 2 weeks because of something that did not become clear, but was somehow important. Yes, vague, I know. Just noting it down for my own check-back thingy. But hey, why not give it a shot. Guessing it is worth it. Again, no promises. 🙂

Have a nice day! 🙂

Cleaned out a drawer – physical and psychological changes

I am in this tremendous flow of things changing for the better in my life. It is amazing. Who needs mind altering substances when you can have the real thing?! I keep on having this experiences that are described best (?) with feeling part of the universe, or being transparent where the universe is me and I am the universe. No, nothing megalomanic funny going on that requires doctors or pills – I ‘just’ feel like I am tripping all day over the growth that I do. And have written a post when I was on this very black dark cloud 3 days ago. It brought back all the ‘what’s  the use, why take care of myself, might as well… ‘ very destructive. Still roller coaster but one low on a week full of highs? Who cares!? And even if, the lows are the growth thingies that go a little less easy.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I don’t want to lose myself in the occult but thing keep on happening that point me in a direction of growth. Video’s, interesting store man, scary astrologist man (I have not blogged about that – yet, message 4). I walked into or ‘dealt’ with:

– taking responsibility and relaxing and the difference

– listening to my inner voice with my whole ‘being’ while meeting the store man. Message 1.

– I have built up enough strength to listen to the negative or painful signals that give myself.  The negative self talk.

– I have felt and still feel how a possibility of an intimate relation in me (currently?) walks the same paths as an addiction does. It is amazing, frightening. I hope to get to ‘informative’ on a short notice because most of all it is very uncomfortable and it feels indeed like dis-ease. Message 2.

– My unblogged reactions to things that happened with the store man in the store have pointed out and made me feel through a nasty trait I have that I would describe as ‘overwhelming, destructive mother care’. Ieehks. I am guessing that was the 3rd message from the universe about the store man.

– I have doubts about my route. I see a situation of being flat broke coming up – I do think I have enough time to get myself organised and in a job before that. I try to feel my way into other possibilities than this slow forceless path I am taking. Cause that is I guess what I do. Take the natural path, find out where my truth is. I also have 2 drawers in my kitchen with food stock like flower, tomato paste, peanut butter, well, you know. When I came to live here, more that 13 years ago. I had no time to fill the drawer nicely so I chucked everything in and thought ‘I’ll clean that up when I feel like it.’  This morning I did. VERY NEW!!!!! Yes, groce, well, it has been cleaned out in between when I hired a cleaner for the backlog. But I have, in all those years, not done it myself and today I just did because I was there. To you it might sound insignificant but to me it is AMAZING!!! I think I ow it to my path and to the Schuessler cell salts of which there are some about ‘doing stuff’ and ‘cleaning up poisons in your body.’

– Whenever I doubt my way of dealing with sobriety and feeling my way back into life and I go inside and ask I get ‘The path is the destination.’ Today I thought that I would love to spread the nutrient – bach remedy – Schuessler cell salt approach to getting healthy after addiction to the world. But I must say (? must I?) I want to say to record this for myself in this blog here and now that I feel ashamed of that because it is like the ‘addict bingo’. Every addict says that they have found the way and they will cure the world. I feel stupid about this about myself. I get this ‘who do you think you are feeling’ and feelings of inadequacy immediately. It hurts. It makes me want to put my foot down and say ‘I do what I do! Who are you to comment on that?!’ Actually, sometimes it is good to have a large ego. Even if this new undeveloped idea of a route is not going to be the thing, still my negative self talk does not ‘have the right’ to speak like it does. Still talking child speak here when it comes to working out the negative self talk thing. I don’t understand the need for an organism to have it. I am convinced that every action and reaction are there for a reason and to discover the reason helps me heal. But maybe that is the whole thing; there is no reason BUT the bad use of the brain and ‘conditioning’. Ha! Tommy Rosen puts negative self talk under ‘aggravations’. Don’t know exactly what those are but they are sort of like addictions I believe. Negative repetitive behavior. Check!

– All these things are NEW. Also new is the idea that I have done enough for sobriety and might as well drink. How’s that for something over 4,5 months of sobriety. Alcohol repels me in such a way that I step back when I smell it on somebody. Not unlike my cat. And I pull a face. Very impolite. Need to work on that. So I don’t think that it is in real life going to be an issue. It is just that I don’t want these thoughts. And I had not expected them after this long. I guess they were brought along with being in a state of openness with the store man while he moved into his addictive mode and I got a vibe from it. Also starting to fall in love triggers stuff in me. Now I write this in daylight it does not sound like a healthy idea of love. Need to look into that.

– I felt through what happens if I want to clean the house. The cat was falling asleep on top of me NEW!!! and I wanted to clean but I could and I felt that I had to stay calm to not wake the cat and I felt in my body and brain how al the 10.001 options confuse me and make my brain overload and loose direction / focus. And then when I do something, like cleaning out the drawer without thinking about anything else, my brain is SO HAPPY. I need to feel my way into getting in that mode more. It is needed for me to start AND finish something and it is a quality that I need to develop in this incarnation. That has always been a very clear message – even when I drank. And I need it do be earning money in the future. So, I better get a move on and do stuff instead of writing this all down. 🙂

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Schuessler salts keep on changing things in my body. It is amazing.

– Wrinkles disappear, my face returns, the ‘bags’ under my eyes lesson. My eyes however are still read and when I cry my tears drag itching, burning streaks over my face. And yes, you know me, I got myself a Schuessler salt for / against that – it is actually listed like that. literally. Not making it up here :-).

– I sleep at night, I dream again, like crazy. Last night about walking through the streets in the evening and seeing a young girl black out and drop down on concrete stairs. Nobody of her friends cared, they were drunk too and ‘she falls down every time, she drinks like a fish’. I tried to call the cops and realised that I did not know if she needed to go to hospital or not. I guess I have been there where I blacked out when I was young. Just never on the streets. Need to look it up. And then I actually left while having done nothing and then this tiny blond guy came to me and he was drunk and in pain over being addicted. He knew. And I told him it did not have to be this way and he clung to me and I could feel how he needed to be away from the alcohol, wanted it too but how big the pull of the alcohol was in him. I have never experienced it that bad. But I am curious how I know how it feels. I do not think I am in denial. This is not the way I feel about alcohol. Or maybe it is not the way I have allowed myself to feel about alcohol. There is another possibility. I can hear my mother’s influence there. I can almost feel here standing between me and getting addicted that deep down. Thank you mom. I thought you were a pain when it came to your critique on my drinking but I guess you saved me. Wow. Thank you mom. Crying now. My mom stopped drinking I think about 5 to 10 years before she died. She drank like 1 glass a month in the years leading up to her death. But she left half of the glass standing – like she only drank it not to fit out. She did a lot of those tiny things to not ‘stand out’ as the one that has cancer. 🙂

– My bowel movements have stabilized into something that actually smells and smells healthy (no I do know you did not want to know that, this is specifically for my history).

– I am less thirsty and I have less ‘cravings’ for food. Taking the Magnesium Schuessler salt helps me drop the chocolate. It takes 3 days before I think of another chocolate experience after the last. And when I eat chocolate is starting to feel a poison to me now I notice what it does in my body. It gives me not heart palpitations but like there is a tiny, tiny, very tiny moth in my heart. Not butterfly, moth. But it is difficult to let chocolate go because by now ‘there is nothing else anymore’. And I know I have to let go of that feeling, that would be the ultimate freedom of addiction but I can’t (yet). I can feel that moment of brown rice, vegetables and fish is coming but please, please, please – not now, not yet. I can’t deal with that yet. Having said that I have eaten sushi all week. Lazy sushi: brown rice, piece of raw eco salmon, seaweed salad, cucumber, 1 avocado, all separate, nothing made to look nice. Every time I got home from the store man it was 21:something and I felt like fast food but I thought I would spend the same amount of money on quick good food. OOH! THAT IS VERY NEW!! So when looking at that I am in the brown rice, vegetable, raw fish zone. Ha! No no no no no no no no no. Not yet. Not going there now. It is actually calling me but I dislike the feeling of discipline that comes with it. Makes me feel trapped. Even though I ate like that for years. And was very disciplined then. Brrrrrr.

– I have a dowagers hump, the neck is starting to feel different and it looks like it is going away / becoming straight again. 🙂 I would love that. It feels somehow related to the ‘relaxing but keeping the goal in mind’ experience I had with biking to the wrong address when relaxed. And it feels like it has to do with taking responsibility. Well, straightening out would be a good word. 🙂 And I keep rolling my shoulder backward because hunching does not feel good any more. Squeeq, squeeq 🙂

– I sometimes have tiny headaches because of dehydration because I forgot to drink tea. That is different too. 2 Weeks ago I drank at least 3-4 liters a day. Now I need to take care that I manage my 2 liters.

This was going to be a short post. 🙂

Thanks for reading. I need to go do stuff and see the sun.

xx, Feeling

That’s it!

The thing with cleaning and procrastinating is that when I start doing something I get overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. Just like when I believed I could not stop drinking.

Ok. So. Take time. Breathe. And only think of now because I am only here now. I am not in the future. And come to think of that. I am not in the past either. So I am free in this moment. Wow.

So if I am free why should I be cleaning? Because it makes me happy. It makes me happy to follow the internal voice that says: ‘time to clean’. And It makes me happy to have a clean house. And hormones that say: ‘you might…. be inviting somebody soon’ play a part in this too. I like biology. It works splendidly. 🙂

I told somebody

I told somebody that I quit drinking and that I had to. I did not use the word addicted. Who? The store man.

I have been in an emotional rollercoaster with the Schuessler salts and the Louise Hay book breaking open old wounds. Store man calms that down very much. Just by who he is. He shows me that I don’t have to react on impulse. Which is good and very important in my life. And… he actually pointed out something that I was not aware of when I said something not very constructive. No learning experience so good as meeting a guy you want to get to know. 😀 Pfffff….. my luck 😉

So, I came to pick up the second book yesterday and again we stayed in the shop till 3 hours after closing time to talk and drink tea. I told him before that I had gone trough a transformation where I had decided to start to take care of me. And then I told him that not drinking alcohol was a big part of that. He asked: ‘Did you like to drink a lot?’ And I replied: ‘I did not like it but I did drink a lot.’ And that was it. And I am still alive.

He is a special person. We speak about life and development. I do not want to have to hide stuff. After eons of feeling alone in this world I feel like I finally met somebody as alien as I am and getting to know him better and speak about life is good. It is difficult to meet people like me that feel their way through life like I do.

And then….. he triggers stuff that I really can’t use because he uses weed. Which is why I told him that I had to stop drinking. He uses 3 splifs a day in the evening. First time I saw him roll one I asked all about the what and how of making a joint when he did. I guess that explained that I don’t do weed. :-). Third time I met him 2 days later he apologised and asked if I mind if he had one.

I had just had a lesson in the nasty power issue stuff I do so I quickly checked what and where inside and realised: the person that got me to stop drinking was the person that did not judge me. So I said; ‘No.’ Also because I need to check out now what it does to me and when possible, to him. I did see ‘need’, as I used to think I ‘needed’ a beer. Through that I felt my own frequency of addiction trembling again. Earlier that evening he apologised, saying that I should not think he was addicted because he was only using for 2 years, and not a lot.

Sobriety first. I can not meet the store man if his ‘frequency of addiction’ gets mine started again. Am I in love? Not sure. A little I guess. I notice resistance within me and I can’t read the signs. I certainly don’t want to send signs other than like and friendship because I know about the 1 year rule. I think that is a very good rule. I have noticed how I got thrown around inside my body these last 3 days. Funny thing is: my normal physical reaction to a man of interest is not there. So I am a bit confused. Maybe he is really in the friendzone, maybe that is what is unfamiliar. Or maybe I am putting negativity and sadness between me and something beautiful again? I do not know. Let’s see. We are Facebook friends now and he asked me to drop by again and it was not usual courtesy. Let’s see.

Also, he is flat broke, living with his father and not eating kind of flat broke -apart from smoking weed- which…. Which all in all could just be a sign telling me: ‘No matter how much you develop yourself and your strange gifts, you need to get a move on because this is what happens if you do not. ;-)’

So far, I will read it as that and see how things develop. And I start cleaning now. 🙂 Yeah!!!

I am happy that I quit and have learned not to take it for granted because the frequency of addiction is still triggered easily and I got a fright from that. Now I realise that I do not have to follow impulses. Which…. hahaha, is what I learned from the store man by being in his presence and seeing how he spoke with other people.

I need: to get a move on.

I want: to move (NEW!!!)

I take: still the same Schuessler cell salts as I did and something homeopathic that might get rid of the scalloped tongue I have.

Have a nice sober day! Have a nice sober weekend! 🙂

Does the ocean say ‘No’ to half of the waves?

First I was drinking and then I quit and felt my way back into life by following the nice feelings in order ‘to become clear’.

Now I am not drinking, clearing up and very happy about it. But I am still procrastinating and to my idea not dealing very well with negativity. Yes, I have unleashed the weird 😉 here every now and then. And my contact with the Universe and all things ‘coincidentally good’ has improved a 1000 times – but… I feel there is something I am not doing.

So this video popped up out of nowhere:

It is about procrastinating, (me) wanting to fix people and with that not listening to what is, and alcohol (bonus!). If it does not open, try checking it out on YouTube. I had dismissing procrastinating it as ‘bad’ and ‘needs to go away’ but the video made me realise there is an (imagined) purpose to procrastinating. And the energy that came free from accepting that I procrastinate was BIG. 🙂

Then I realised I follow all the good stuff and get the Universe messages, but in my still developing theory on dis-ease, there is a place for feeling bad as well. My theory starts with: ‘All that is there to be felt is there for a reason and the reason is to guide you (me!) to a good place.’ Which is nice in theory but I am not practising it when it comes to procrastinating. I feel bad about that but don’t act upon that feeling. And realising that developing my intuition, or my higher goal: to get clear – is not only about listening to the nice stuff. And as I lay in my bed, working out how it works that I need to say yes to the dark stuff as well, a friend of mine put this video on Facebook. Surprise! It is on saying yes to the dark stuff as well. Does the ocean say No to half of the waves?

And I am starting to see that if I do not forgive me for having specific difficulty with drinking or procrastinating I will not be able to work on it. And the universe again, started to do its thing and in another 3 steps I stumbled upon a lesson in forgiving :-).

Not sure how it is going to work, but I guess there is a path. And a book I believe? 🙂

That was the nice part of the morning. Memories brought me back to age 12. Procrastinating and not working makes me feel guilty, specifically because people say things like: You have all these brains and don’t do shit with it. Yes, that would be me. Anger unleashing: But you know what? My brains are my own and I don’t have to fucking live up to your plan of my life! I am NOT going to be a shrink or a doctor!

Primary school in The Netherlands finishes with a big test at age 12, I believe it takes one or two days. I had prepared myself with getting in the zone, I guess I still prayed then and I really worked my ass off to get all the answers right. I scored 99% in the test which meant that only 1% of the 12 year olds in the country that year scored better. I had no clue of that. I just thought there had been a competition and I had scored high, almost a 10 (A+). So I came home and was very, absolutely proud, yearning to hear that I had done well because nobody at school had dared to say something to me. And my fathers first reaction was: ‘Yes, we always thought you had 1 percent missing.’

And everybody laughed and laughed and laughed and then told me to stop crying because I was being silly, should not be so sensitive and should be happy that I had scored 99%. I FUCKING WAS TILL YOU CAME ALONG!! They continued that they did not want to take this score too seriously because I was always such a serious child trying to live up to expectations. Blablabla, that is an excuse that sucks. Just say that you screwed up because you wanted to be funny more than you cared about my feelings and in hindsight saw that this worked out worse than you hoped. That would be an apology.

3 Years later I finally felt that I did live up to expectations and lost interest in school IMMEDIATELY. I had been best of class for 2 years and in the top 3 for the third year. In the 4th grade, age 15, I dropped out. Lost interest, did not want to live up to expectations that were ‘useless anyway’. Could not deal anymore with the stress at home, people drinking and constantly arguing, constantly nagging. Never a normal, nice, adult way of dealing with stuff. Always shouting and arguing. No peace. Ever. Sitting in the living room being utterly tense and afraid for the next fight. Everybody was arguing except my brother. Everybody got argued with, except my brother. Hmm, I guess I came done on my brother. Gave him the shit I felt. 😦 Sorry, brother.

At one moment I started loosing it, I don’t know what I lost, had something to do with control, I started to intervene. Try to fix them. Draw the attention to me by being disrespectful. I’ve been doing that for years. It is only now, today that I can see that my current developments will probably lead me to see that I did not stand a chance. There is no saving people who keep on drinking. No matter how hard I wanted that and no hard I tried.

They did ‘not even’ ‘drink a lot’. My mother drank home-made wine of 14%, 2 – 2,5 glasses of it which, with the size of the glass meant that she drank almost a bottle of 12% wine a day. But her liver was very bad due to the cancer (or the other ways around) so we would notice her behaviour change halfway the first glass and she would get irritated with everything and look for a fight with anybody except my brother, during the second glass.

At that time my father drank 1 liter of beer a day and sometimes, like once every 2 months binged one evening in the weekend. That would lead to extreme arguing in the house and finally I guess social isolation. A person who has Aspergers is not easy to speak with without the booze. With the booze it is like being run over by a freight train. So I drank with him.

Procrastinating, actually saying ‘things are too big and going to quickly, I can not catch up.’. I thought I might as well do the things that have nothing to do with the other things that go too quickly. Or maybe approach it like I did drinking: learn to see where things feel bad and good and take it from there. Or not so much ‘start do stuff’ but ‘stop not doing stuff’. And change the name because I could not quit when I called myself an alcoholic. There is no hope in that word. It carries darkness. I used to be psychologically addicted to alcohol and now I have quit drinking and am dealing with the consequences of not dealing with life while drinking.

I am happy that I quit. These last 3 days have been showing me my yet undocumented dark sides. I met somebody exactly like me. I felt like this extra terrestrial finally meeting one from the universe here on earth. And then I screwed up by insulting him. It did teach me shitloads. I would not have learned what I did if I had not cared. But shit! I need to get a grip on this anger and power stuff because it is fucking destructive. I want to become clear, not swept of my feet by any minor threat to what? Dunno. Happy that I quit though because otherwise I would not have met ‘the other alien’ (ooh, he is the store guy, he is partially blogged about!). Let’s just say that: I am happy that I quit and I am only responsible for what I do and not for how other people are or react to that.

I want / my intentions are to use all that life force to bash through this issue and get a grip on my ego. But that feels like trying to solve the issue with the same brain that created it. Let’s see what life brings. 🙂 Forgiveness. And maybe realising that I still am not all-powerful. These two things mix. Haven’t worked it out yet. Aah, because I do not know how to behave differently because people with power issues tend to look up people with power issues. And people without power issues are wise enough to stay away from people with power issues. I have no example. Well, I guess I am back to vigilance. Not on the drink think now but on the ‘power issue’ thing. We shall see.

I need: don’t know. I hope I learn to let go because this pain and resentment seems to keep me stuck in the past. I think this is the first time in 4,5 months that I have used the words ‘letting go’. So maybe it’s about time. But first the power issue, or maybe they are connected.

New category: I am taking: Schuessler cel salts on ‘letting go’, ‘improving sleep’, ‘high blood pressure’, ‘being overly sensitive in the ‘wrong’ way.’, ‘improving bile production’ (no diarrhea anymore and things start to get healthily smelly again 🙂 – if you cared to know. 😉 ). The salt I am taking on ‘feeling attacked easily’ might influence the path that I am walking now on the power issues.

Whatever. I am done writing. Need to get some air so…. third walk to the store. 🙂

On feeling my way back into life and recognising discomfort, and a little on love.

I have been trying to feel my way through life, well, back into life after having lived destructively for years. And in the process I thought that good, positive feelings were the only thing to guide me. And I followed the good feelings. 🙂 And it has brought me where I am now, 4,5 months sober and LOVING IT MORE THAN I EVER LOVED A BEER.

So, just by following the good feelings I am where I am. However, I have quite some feelings that make me uncomfortable. And after having seen the video on fixing problems and procrastinating that somehow included the subject alcohol too – I got an entry in procrastinating. I feel I put the brake on things because there is so much shit happening that I can not deal with more. So when I let go of my guilt about that I realised that there is a shitload of discomfort in me and…. that I don’t listen to it. 😀

So next, I realised that listening to the nice stuff is not enough. If I want to heal I also need to listen to and act upon that what makes me feel uncomfortable. Like the A-word, that would be administration in my case… Brrrrrrrr…… 15 Days left to do a whole year of VAT admin. Which is totally manageable when I start on time.

Recognising that I have these feelings of discomfort gives a lot of room inside. I do not need to keep the lid on anymore. So haha, did I clean my house? No, I started to blog of course :-). I did plant my Amaryllis and arranged a new, way cheaper phone contract.

I am VERY HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Best decision in my life. Good work.

I want: still want things to be ‘over’ so I don’t have to do the difficult stuff. And I want to go outside because the sun is shining and I need to pick up another book.

I need: dunno? I am reacting so positively to these Schuessler cell salts, maybe I should take the one that says: ‘makes you get a move on, for those that procrastinate.’ :-D. I imagine that you fall of your chair by now because you are surprised in a explosive way because I have not taken that yet. It’s too soon. I need to round off the circle of the blood pressure. Go to the GP, get checked, hand in the rest of my medication and have a ritual celebration. That probably includes buying something :-).

The path is the destination. This video was the second thing on my path today. Since I watched it the cat follows me around through the house and stares at me and wants to be with me :-). Dna, or at least cell changing breakthroughs are being made here. I thought I would share it with you. It is about love, I call it universal love. It’s about what I had thought up/feeled up on how it work following Ayahuasca session. But he says it way nicer. Enjoy!