Learning life, again

So, in my newest adventure after quitting drinking I now find myself in a job. A tiring one :-). Not your average office job but a production job with standing all day and lifting and cleaning a lot. I have no idea where this job will take me, just that it felt like it was a good decision to apply for it when I saw the vacancy. The pay is minimal, I think I can just, or exactly not, pay for my living when working 90%. Working more than 2-4 days a week is out of the question for me now. I need a very clear head in this job, loads of counting and calculating and quick actions. I can do that but not when I rush in because then my brain gets overwhelmed. So I need to ease in a little. My boss wanted to take me on for 2 days but after the trial days she’s asking for 5. I told her I need to ease into this job. I think she understood. I am flattered but I am not sure whether I can deal with this pressure. Next week easy week though, only 2 days scheduled. This week 4.

I started Tuesday on a test day. Thursday I had another ‘test day’ in another position. Unfortunately the other girl from the post before did not get through her probation time because of me succeeding during these trial days. So how is that for an entry back in society. 😦 It works out she had cried terribly and was saying that she got bullied every where and had finally found a place where people liked her. (Which, by what I hear, is a bit of a miscalculation…. 😦 ) It is soooo sad. It has nothing to do with me but still I find it hurtful and difficult.

O God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
The courage to change what can be changed,
and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

I feel like a fraud; what if my shoulder gives in? I had anticipated some minor lifting but the new, more interesting ‘promotion’ took me to a place where I had to lift boxes of 5 kilo way over my head. And I was stupid enough to do so. This is part of what I think is old behaviour where I let ‘what others think of me’ go before caring for me. I could have just gotten a stool to stand on. Not that this is regular because the guys working there are all way taller, but still.

All of it, how I enter this firm, how I respond to people, how people respond to me. I have never done a job probation time sober. I would drink at least 3 evenings in the week.

My boss called me a know-it-all after 2 days. I replied ‘Yeah, you caught me. What can I say? It is true……
‘Is it any consolation to you that you, with saying that now, have beaten the quickest boss I encountered with one day?’ πŸ˜‰
‘Not sure.’
‘Nah. Yeah. For me neither.’

Oooh, I really need to stop saying strange things.

About strange things. Another one of my fears coming true. I grew up professionally in the European Headquarters of an American company. During that time the USA developed a sexual harassment code with the green light, orange light, red light comments and behaviour. My boss crossed the orange and red light comments already at the first day. She started of with a box that was between her legs. ‘Hmm finally something between my legs’. And continued asking me: ‘Do you have a man?’ At which I replied that I was not so much into the ‘having’ and she replied: ‘A dildo will do just fine.’ After which she asked a collegue of mine what dildo she had. Then she continued to laugh about a reply she got from an underling on her question ‘How was your first time?’ (intercourse) ‘I was drunk, I can’t remember’.

I was standing there thinking: my first time was non-consensual. Hmm, don’t want to write about this. :-/

I find it difficult, the things she says. It makes me feel like I have to be cool with it to be part of the group. I never realised the extend of this kind of behaviour, specifically when coming from a boss. It is so strange to feel all these things while not coming out of a hangover or planning to get into one. As in: feeling it while actually being in the moment. I can only imagine how overwhelming life can be for newly sober people who do go out on a daily base to meet people. In these sober 14 months I have often ‘envied’ sober people with a job but now I don’t think I could have been sober and working. And I need to make sure that I do not turn that statement around.

So what do I do? Currently I just at the moment, realise how much distress and anxiety these comments and situations cause me and how, when I am in that situation want to ‘jump’ somewhere but I do not know where. Today I thought: there is something that is not there anymore. Something I used to do / have. What is it? And I realised it was the imagined escape through drinking. Lucky the machinery and music is so loud that we don’t have to speak.

Other new things: sleeping between workdays. It sucks. I am immediately drawn into the anxiety I did not even know I had. No, not true. I knew I had it but I am very much in denial about it. As in: I know I know it is there but I ‘prefer’ to not recognise it in my behaviour or think about it during the day. I am so vulnerable to compliments and berating, that is a tough one. I shrink when I get told I do something wrong and bloom when I get a compliment. Poor, poor affection starved kid. It is very, very strange to realise all these energetic things only at age 45.

I do know why I drank. :-/ Not saying that it was/is a good thing to do, but I am starting to feel that old performance anxiety again. Fear of failing, fear of being not good enough. That would be rooted in shame yes. Last night at falling asleep I had this ‘shock’ where all the muscles contract and you dream of falling. I dreamed that I dropped a piece of work. πŸ˜€ / 😦 Only a few days in and anxiety is already ruling my nights again. How I used to drink just to be able to sleep.

One job once took me to a place in the country where the office was situated in a large house. It was far away from everything so I used to stay over at night. I was so scared to be alone in the big, dark, empty house that I started drinking. I went from 1 to 2 pints to 4 on an evening in half a year. The work pressure was enormous too: 60 hours a week for a company which was going broke. I need to take care: working and drinking have always been connected in my life.

Well, no time like now to start to deal with it. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. I have come to think that life is indeed a possibility to learn by projection; that what triggers us in others is something we ourselves have not dealt with.

I want: to go to bed but I need to wait for the washing to come out of the machine. Need stuff to wear. Haven’t got enough clothes.

Wwawwlhd? Dunno, she would, if she had asked herself this question earlier, have put the laundry in the machine earlier because that would have relieved here of the ‘I still have to do this and this stress.’

On discipline: only at work. My house is a MESS.

3 Things: 1 Biking in the early morning to work. It is only 10 minutes but I really like it. The freshness of the day, makes me happy. 2 Being able to keep up with the people at work, I have already got the rep for being one of the quickest in the tiny assembling of stuff. It’s just one of those things I’m good at; working with my hands. 3 Two friends of mine actually calling simultaneously today to ask how the job is coming along. I have only told 4 people. I don’t know, I need privacy doing this.

Hope you have a nice day/evening! πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Semi short post on new job

Short post just to let you know that my next step into sobriety: trying to keep a job seems to be working ok-ish. I did well on my trial day. As I understood it they will actually fire somebody else who is in probation time when I do well tomorrow too.Β I would be promoted into a more interesting area immediately. But the work will physically be tougher but very interesting too. However, it does feel strange. I would like to be able to deal with that but actually it goes right into the dark denial corner for later processing. The Universe has sent me another BIG challenge today concerning alcohol. Lots of it. It actually turned out to not to be a challenge, or maybe, not sure, I’m going to write it out here so to see if there are after effects.

This morning I went to take out the trash and next to the trash thing there was a box with what must have been about 20 new and half filled bottles of alcohol of all types. I mean? Why not books! Why not clothes? Why not pots with beans?! No…. in my life there is a box with bottles. My lucky first thought was: ‘Gosh, somebody in this street quit! πŸ™‚ Yeah!’ Second: Hmmm, pretty irresponsible leaving this out on the streets, loads of unguarded (pre) teens running around here…. And third: Bet my downstairs neighbours would appreciate this gift, I’ll just inform them. And I did. Before they got out another person biked by and put the unopened bottles in his bike basket. In between I had put a message on the street Facebook page congratulating the person with chucking out the booze and also putting out the warning. Saying that I would chuck things away in an hour if there were no people interested. So after an hour I went and chucked about 10-12 bottles of hard liqor in the underground trash thing.

How did I feel? I felt like I was throwing out weedkiller and found it funny that I had asked my neighbours if they were interested. I thought about that. My father ones said to my mother when he took me a pack of duty-free tobacco: ‘People need to be ready to stop, otherwise they don’t. When she does not stop, I could as well make it not so expensive.’ I thought that was a kind thought and one that made me more accepting of my smoking addiction. It was the first time I could look at it without feeling guilty – which actually opened doors to thinking about stopping.

Maybe I should have washed my hands afterwards, sort of ritually. I can still do that. I did that. Funny, my mind now immediately jumps back to the other girl getting fired. It was discussed already that she was too slow and not understanding the work well. Now they will test my skills on another hand-on job, already saying they expect me to be ‘3 times as fast’. I need to deal with this because I don’t want my inner confusion to be in the way tomorrow. Thing is, I think she heard our boss say the 3 times quicker thing. 😦 When I walked off she was in the adjacent room cleaning and I never saw her go in so she must have been there already. I don’t ‘draw crowds’ with my looks but she could have been straight out of the poor masses in a Dickens book and that is tough.

She was not even able to look at me straight. 😦 You know the shifty looks of people covered in shame. 😦 She can’t lift things heavier than 3-4 kilo’s which means she can’t do the job. It is just that I feel sorry for her. That might be condescending. ‘Normally’ I would just drink this away. Problem solved. I do want to look at it but I don’t want to spend too much energy on things I can not change. It is only now that I start to understand a colleague of mine at a place where I volunteered. There was a women who, to my arrogant booze fulled standards was not up to the job. The colleague said: Why would you want to create a world where only the top of the abled people take part? She is a member of our society as well as anybody else.

Sobriety has learned me to see the world differently from where I was. I think it worked like this where I was fuelled by shame and projected all the negativity outwards in being very critical and negative. Now I am learning to appreciate myself better I find that my view of the world is changing. Amongst which by the way my thoughts about eating meat. I feel this process is taking me to become vegan while I am not looking for that. It is just that my eyes seem to open to the process of abuse of animals and I can not shut them anymore. I don’t want this to happen now, but it is. :-/

I’m trying to tell myself that the girl will be unhappy in a climate where she can’t perform to standards, but that’s just because people would not be nice to her because she does not. Yeah, yeah, I know the business implications. It just strikes me as odd that we build a society like this. The company is very diverse, I’m thinking more colour than no colour and a young female boss but the less brainy are not invited. Well, this is not my worry, apart from it coming on my path in this new way of living in and looking at the world now I am sober.

Well, I need to be in bed.

I am happy that I quit because it brings me all kinds of learning experiences which, even though they are not always nice (veganism) they feel better than the booze soaked issues I was fighting 15 months ago.

What would a woman who loved herself do? She would keep on repeating this question more often because it is a good one and I had forgotten about it today. Not sure why. Oh yeah, because ‘I had a day off’. Ghegheghe, recovering from yesterdays heavy work. It is actually physically taxing, which is very good for me. πŸ™‚ Hope my arm and shoulder will not be ‘playing up’. I tend to not want to take care of myself when I’m ‘off’. I need to take care – that is a very addicty thing I do there. Thinking that I can take time out of life, not live, Netflix. I did walk and read.

What do I want: I want things to be easier, warm, loving, insightful and self-accepting for our sister End of the road who is struggling. 😦

I take: my Ayurvedic pills. I notice now that I am not eating well. Hmmm. This ‘dropping of self care’ is something to look into.

3 Things: my bed in 5 minutes, the fact that I am alive, the fact that I am starting to get hints of feeling comfortable in my life. NEW!!

On discipline: aaah, I dropped the idea of discipline and I also forgot about ‘wwawwlhd’ and so I did nothing and ate bad. And will be going to bed 45 minutes late. I was going to write ‘not good’ but I deleted and started this sentence because it is not about not good. I will look into integratingΒ  a new job WITH self-care. πŸ™‚

Hope you have a nice day. Maybe I’ll be promoted tomorrow! πŸ˜‰ I actually feel like this is too much pressure on me, but I guess if I go into enjoy it mode I will like it. Thing is: they put my test at the beginning of the day. So if I screw up, everybody has to work extra hard and overtime. 😦 That is NOT a nice intro in a new department. Ghegheghe.

Hope you have a nice day / night.

xx, Feeling

The bitch awakens

Not sure what is happening but pfffffff, stuff is moving internally and it is only after last nights dream that I get an inkling of what is going on. I think it is related to the book I’m reading, a gathering and explanation of the Jungian idea on relationships. How we (I!) fall and in love and, well, screw up. I was in need of insight on the falling in love part after the thing with the book store man so low and behold the give away store had this book from J.A. SanfordΒ  ‘The invisible partners’ on the shelfs. It is cool. I find this Jungian idea, a little ehm, paternalistic or, well not sexist but connecting traits to gender. But then again, what I am coping with currently, the ‘smothering others in care’ and (also) the viewing the book store man as an addiction coaching project (guess that is the same?) – it all takes place in those archetypical worlds where I am the smothering and critisicing mother so why not read this?

I am loving it but I’m not understanding all of what I am reading. This assigning qualities to genders is very familiar because it equals the stereotyping of this society but I notice that my resistance to that sometimes keeps me from understanding the writing. I don’t want to take it all in because it is partially, well, offensive.., eh, demeaning, eh, haven’t got the word but it cuts against the grain so to say. It is about men having a female part in their ‘character’ called anima and women having a male part called animus. And when person transfers his/her anima/animus onto the other and saysΒ  ‘You are my light, my solution, the reason I live, my everything.’ that is when the Titanic sails. The Titanic sails for a while and then there is an iceberg, reality enters the story and the shit hits the fan.

Oh yeah dreams: not sure what they are about but shit, I keep on dreaming about guys. Not the type of guys I like, that hardly ever happens. I dream specifically of the EXACT TYPE I can’t stand. Like, leeches, schmucks and surfer dudes, no purpose to life other than to leach, betray or make fun and then, IN MY DREAM!!!! they are all over the place and not paying attention to me at all! Kill and attack!!! And I walk around thinking: you are in MY DREAM you should be NICE and they SHOULD BE NICE TO ME!!! PAYING ATTENTION!!! My God, something has got my knickers in a twist. This is food for psychiatrists. HA! The give away store handed me ‘Freud’, Psychoanalysis yesterday. Auf Deutsch!! (in German!) How good can it get? :-))

And with the trial day tomorrow I have this very angry ‘all or nothing’ approach where I can not deal with people doubting me. I feel I have been doubted all my life. My relationships with men and people (hahaha, that belongs on the sofa as well) has, in my idea been so that people EXACTLY do not like me totally, exactly do not love me fully, and that leads to exactly having the feeling of not being accepted. Without doubt this view of people says more about how I think about me, and possibly which people I choose to let into my life to confirm my view. HOWEVER TRUE THAT MIGHT BE IT SUCKS! 😦

I’m guessing tension is building. Must have to do with my trial day tomorrow. And the animus shifts. You won’t believe what I have said and done these last few days.

A women had lost a child and I was looking for it in the park because I had seen a child like that. First I biked around the park, I had to bike on the sidewalk to have a good look at the surroundings. The street was too far off. So when biking onto this 3m wide sidewalk I think ‘Aaargh, I am pretty sure some old geezers will be complaining about me biking here. Well OBVIOUSLY there is a pair of them, he’s walking on crutches, she’s so overweight that I am surprised she keeps up with him. So I got a ‘Oooh! You are not allowed to bike on the pavement!!!’ And reply: ‘Well, come and get me!!!’

WHAT?!?!?! DF?!!?! I never say things like that? Well, I do think them, but say? Wtf is going on? The day before I was awful too. I had my bike by my side at a market, needing to get there and further. When I got to the stall with the olives and nuts I parked my bike partially in front of it thinking: there is nobody, and by the time it is somebody elses turn I will be gone anyhow. So… yes… there comes this other pffff, yeah, geezer again. It’s never Matt Damon, it is always a geezer.

‘Your bike, it needs to go….’ With this ieuw attention drawing, energy sucking way of saying things, with the smelling and the looking from under they eyebrows and having their head tilted. Ieuw! I do not reply.
‘This bike, it needs to go.It is in the way.’
‘It will go when I am ready.’ Short. No attention.
The geezer keeps on muttering under his breath and in between he tastes the olives that are in the front of the booth. While doing this he oh so deliberately shows everybody how ex-tre-me-ly difficult it is to go over the bike, pull back, possibly go through the bike, ooh, pull back, a little more effort, some more muttering, playing bottom dog all over the place. He gets some olives and eats them but then he quickly gets more of them every time the guy turns around to weigh my nuts. And I notice he gets more from the same dish, even picking up 2 at the time and I realise we are sooooo made for each other: he playing the bottom dog and me the criticising queen bee counting the olives he snitches.
‘The bike is in the way…’
‘Well, obviously not so much that you did not have 8 olives from the same tray already…’ (I mean? Where do I get that from?!)
‘Your bike is in the way….’
So I was thinking, maybe he does not have all the options in life sorted out? Let’s be helpful and offer him one:
‘Yes, my bike is here. And you have EVERY possibility to stop moaning about it.’

Isn’t that helpful? Sooooo helpful. πŸ˜€ So yes, the bitch is waking up. I am utterly surprised about this behaviour of mine and the spontaneity with which it pops out. I am not like that! Or, well obviously I am… but…..???? :-/

I’m thinking…. life shows what we can’t deal with yet ourselves. That is the way of karma. I’m thinking these experiences show me my bottom dog and the fact that I actually think I have pampered it for too long, which, I think everybody around me, not being me, will agree to. πŸ™‚ And maybe it is not the bitch, maybe it is my animus. Ooh, yeah, when the animus is not heard it turns bitchy.

I am thinking my dream guys are my animus, totally irresponsible so yes, I have to stand there and tell him off otherwise all hell will break loose. :-/ The underdeveloped animus in a woman is the aspect that gets critical to the outside world or takes it inside.

So, criticising the surfer dude in me is not the way to go. But I’m not sure what is. The content of the book is not very helpful either ‘Chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4. Ghegeghe… guess I need to read the book. πŸ˜‰

So, pressure is rising. Let’s see how to deal with that. Aah 4 things:

What do you fear? I fear being rejected tomorrow and most of all I fear the awkwardness of the women boss who might not be able to deal with the awkwardness I currently carry around. I’m sorry, I just can’t hide it anymore. I have become my living dream and living nightmare all at once: the dream was to have clarity in communication and experience what is going on and it turns out to sometimes feel like a nightmare and exactly NOT get me where I want to be. It might get me where I need to be, but ooh ooh do I not look forward to that. Not that I know what it is. :-/

What do you hope: aah, I have an escape fantasies already, if the above on was not an escape thought already. I think that needs working on. The thought is: I hope she introduces me to the think tank of the company and lets me come up with and introduce new concepts. Hmmm. Which would be very nice but going into an interview or trial day NOT wanting to be where I am only translates in confused energy movements in the conversation. Also, I think I pre-whatever, pre-react if that is a word, to the expected doubts of the boss. The job I am going for is called a low skilled job but actually one needs to have a certain odd level of skills to deal with it. I think I have those, well I had them 25 years ago during seasonal work. Thing is: do I still have them, is it enough to compensate for me having lost strength and enough for my age. I mean, if somebody is 20 and fails the first day, you give them a few chances. If somebody is 45 and fails… hmm…

What do you expect? I expect it to go just as I fear, so I either get cancelled today, I get cancelled tomorrow after the introduction or after a few hours of work. I am expecting this because I keep on feeling I have not sunk low enough to start building again. I thought I had, but now I am not sure anymore. I feel I am going in the wrong direction, something phony about it. Something does not ring true. But as long as I keep believing that, it will not and I will carry that with me and people will pick up on it. Sigh, sigh, sigh, I might be over thinking. I feel like I’m running straight into a brick wall.

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would get a shower, clean the house, call the therapist to discuss this and maybe get some Bach remedies against fear of failing. Which might after all ‘just’ be the source of all this rambling. And then she would go outside and enjoy the sun. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit, it is an exciting time for me now.

I want: hahah, the think tank from the company to already call me now. But I really need to make sure to get back to this job and this moment. This addicty thing of wanting a way out irritates me.

Wwawwlhd? Well, see above.

3 Things: beautiful weather outside, all the books that come my way, the opportunity to work this issues out.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

On discipline: tiny things are way better because I do them with love and if I don’t I still like myself. So the mess in my house has become less personal, it is more mess and I can clean it or leave it. It is not a standard of my failing personality anymore.

Hope you have a nice day. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

14 Months messy post

Today is my 14 monthyversary of sobriety. Feels funny. I had forgotten about 13 so well, here is 14. πŸ™‚ I am happy that I quit. The pink clouds are long gone, reality has kicked in but even in reality I am happy that I am sober. I guess that is good. πŸ™‚

What is NEW is that I somehow, no promises, think that I have found a path to liking myself. But hey, let’s wait till Tuesday (1 day trial work) to see if I can maintain that in the outside world too. I have practiced the ‘what would a woman who loves herself do?’ question for, I believe 5 days now and I like it. It helps me by-pass the self destruct button that I have between thoughts and action. I take a detour through a projection towards somebody else, the woman who loves herself, so somehow and from there I can take it in. Slowly a feeling of contentment is seeping through all the self destruct. I’m guessing, possibly, that the self-destruct is a fail safe fear failure construction. Hmmm, don’t want to go there. Sticking with the wwawwlhd?

NEW last days are these flashes of insight during the day and while dreaming in which I think to understand consciousness but they leave as quick as they set in. Ghegheghe. I would not even know what consciousness is but I’m looking for information to give a definition of and explain: the soul, spirit, character, self, Self, mind, ego, consciousness, sub-consciousness, body, emotions, feelings, karma, projection, synchronicity, life, death. What is their function, how do they connect? And possibly; what got mixed up in me so that I have to walk this path of addiction into healing from addiction?

I have in this blog given several, mostly angry, tries of a definition of addiction. Currently I’m sticking with: it is a misunderstanding of the workings of Life and a want to get away from those workings. Not living life on life’s terms. πŸ™‚

Up to now I have not visited an AA meeting or any other organised recovery thing. There are moments that I would like to go. I never did. It still has the ‘let me save that for when it is really neccessary.’ πŸ™‚ At which I guess, when it is really neccessary one would be to late.

What is also NEW is that I had a little falling out with a friend whom I have told about my sobriety and needing to quit drinking. And now I feel vulnerable because she knows and she is not 100% pro me anymore. Which, btw was my own screw-up. I’m going through a phase where day in day out I am being confronted with the negative consequences of the sometimes, aah, well, oftentimes forceful help I ‘offer’. Ooh yeah, and the bad thing is: I ‘accused’ the friend of it. Yes, yes, screw up big time. :-(. I need to deal with this but oooooh, I don’t want to. Aaarrgh, so much judgements in my head, mostly from my (deceased!) mom actually.

Aaah, don’t feel like writing. Wwawwlhd? She says: ‘This is something you need to deal with and you are afraid. But the pain you feel is about the judgements you have. They also keep you from being where the actual dynamics are going on and that is the only place where you can feel through and work things out. Don’t worry, you will get through this too.’

Which is funny because this concept of time with a beginning and a possible end is something new. ‘This too shall pass’ was certainly not in my toolbox before.

I am happy that I quit because it was time to get serious about life.

Wwawwlhd? She would go to bed now.

I want: sigh, go to bed.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and with the end of the year coming up I think I will go shopping for some ‘medical’ assistance which is covered by my insurance like seeing my therapist, getting my shoulder massaged again (it is getting a lot better with the new Ayurvedic pills), possibly having a few bones my back bone aligned by a chiropractor and some dentist work to get the old black fillings out. I have never deliberately ‘shopped’ before but somehow I feel I am allowed to because I never did the detox treatment and they won’t cover the only things that have really made me feel better like the Bach remedies, Schuessler salts and Ayurvedic medicine. So…

NEW is also my dislike for meat, it looks like it is serious by now. I would rather not have this step being taken so early but if this is it, this is it. :-/ I keep on being confronted with information about meat-eating and well, even though I really looked forward the other day to eating my eco salmon (celebrating money coming in) it did not go down well, made me nauseous. Pfff, why doesn’t chocolate make me nauseous! Would be SO MUCH easier. Well, let’s see. Aah, for logging: the concept of going vegan is arising quickly too. But I am DUTCH it is in my nature to eat cheese! What is left if I ditch the cheese too?

There is another motto that keeps coming back: addiction also has to do with wanting to celebrate every @*#^!! thing. I think in the end I knew two states of being: punishing myself or drinking – which would be celebrating but turned out to be punishing too. So this concept of Robert Green IngersollΒ  who says: ‘In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.’ keeps on coming back to me. To me it has to do with the want to experience highs while the thing is; that has nothing to do with reality. And already the need for it, the longing for it, takes me away from my center and brings diversion and illusions. But I’m not ready for the middle road of just being. However I feel dragged there. Which is good, good, but hey, I don’t know, I have it in my head that you ALL (yes AAAAAAAALLLLLL πŸ˜‰ ) think that I move amazingly slow but things like these; the basic understandings of Life. Damn, sometimes the go too quickly. And on the other hand, staying in the disillusion is in no way helpful and in all ways hurtful.

Ghegheghe, I’m realising that I have a whole list of things in which I think readers disapprove of me. :-(. Wwawwlhd? She would have gone to bed earlier so she would not get this monkey brain end of the evening useless musings.

Ok! Bye! Have a nice week! Wish me luck for Tuesday. I need to work on it because, as with the job before, I have the feeling she doubts me 99%. I feel I am just too weird. But I also know I project that outwards so blΓ¨gh! Work is required but I am like this deer in the headlights. πŸ™‚ Well. TO BED says the wwlh.

xx, Feeling

Optimizing your brain in addiction recovery: Lifestyle affects everything! – An interview with Dr. Ralph E. Carson, LD, RD, Ph.D.

Drug addiction erodes a person’s self-control and ability to make sound decisions, while sending intense impulses to take drugs. But how can dependency affect

Source: Optimizing your brain in addiction recovery: Lifestyle affects everything! – An interview with Dr. Ralph E. Carson, LD, RD,Β Ph.D.

Edit by me: I found this a very interesting article on how alcohol damages the brain and what can be done to restore the damage. With interesting tips amongst which ‘trust people’. Seems to be good for the brain too. πŸ™‚

Hope you enjoy!

xx, Feeling

In addition….

A few days ago I asked you whether or not you encountered funny things by accident that remind you of having been/being addicted. I encounter a shit load of them. Telling me ‘it is not gone yet’.

Just 3 minutes ago I was wondering whether Amsterdam Central station had indeed 15 tracks because I can remember asking ‘do I need to be at 6 on 10 past or on 10 at 6 past? And the reply being: x on x past would not work because that does not exist. So I, while actually playing the new mindfulness summit vid on the background…. ghegheghe…. eh, looked it up. I think to remember there is a track 10 so I GoogledΒ  ‘spoor 6 Amsterdam’ (track 6 Amsterdam). It is a rehab.

So no, it is not gone yet. But I could have read that from simultaneously listening to a mindfulness vid and Googling on other subjects. :-D.

I am happy that I quit. And happy that I had/have it easy with the not drinking. I do think my combined physical (nutrients, Bach Remedies, Schuessler cell salts, Ayurveda), mental (books, free online alcohol desensitization training) and ‘spiritual’ (writing, reading, I am thinking, hoping, honest self analyses, setting a goal at wanting clarity, not at ‘ooooh, I should NOT drink, NOT drink’) have helped me here. But hey, everybody goes their own way. My not so very humble opinion on what to do in order to get sober has now (14 months tomorrow) changed to: you need to search and walk the path that is good for you.

I for one think to know for sure now that I could not have survived in a group event. Too many eyes looking at me. I’m en entrepreneur, need to find my own trail. And since I still have difficulty accepting other people near me I think I could not have dealt. Even though I do know that isolation is a addicty thing, I’m thinking I am doing ok with that. Well, let’s see. πŸ™‚

Wwawwlhd?: Right now she would shower and clean up the house because that has been bugging her. Did I say this projection of wwawwlhd? bypasses my self-destruct button which is always between me and the goal. It is like: think/want/need -> plan -> self destruct -> pain. Now I go think/want/need -> plan -> wwawwlhd? -> action. It’s a cool too. So thank you Teal Swan!

I want: ghegheghe, I still want things to be simple. I guess that means that I find that this life over taxes me. I never realised that. Can’t be the work I do, must be the perception or my possibility to cope with things. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Well, live has become a little simpler but the heat is on really now: the tax refund of 2014 came in and I paid of 5 months of what you call that in rent and some other overdue bills. But that is the last reserve, it will last for another few months but not more than 4. I really, really need to get a move on.

And, in that process there is this voice that pops up ‘Well, when you finally have that job you need, you can at least have a drink.’ NO!!! Working hard and drinking have always been connected in my life. It started off at my parents who would, in early years, drink beer at a Friday night, then work hard physically on the Saturday. Since we had a farmhouse (no farming) with an immense vegetable garden there was always loads to do. So on Saturday we would drink beer aswell. That repeated into later behaviour where every act of work needed an alcoholic reward. Brrrrr… turns my stomach to think of it. I think if I get the job next week I need to make sure that I got my dinner in house already so I can look forward to enjoying that.

On discipline: Again, with the question ‘What would a women who loves herself do?’ I think I finally found an entry into living where taking action is not something I do to avoid punishment or ‘not feel guilty’ but I am practising now with doing things out of love for me. Which is how I suddenly was able to do admin. And, on the other hand, not worry when I do not clean the house because obviously I love doing something else better. Teal Swan already said but the nice thing about the wwawwlhd? is that I never go outside of my boundaries, outside what I can carry because I project these answers myself. So when looking at a box of dates I don’t say: a women who loves herself would NOT eat these. I say: ‘A women who loves herself would have 3, with a special cup of herb tea, and then she would add another 2 because she really likes these treats.’

While before I would buy them, feel guilty and think ‘DO NOT EAT THESE!!!’ And end up eating 20 of them while NOT enjoying them and feeling guilty. The dynamics of guilt, they are big.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

3 Things: 1 the realisation that I have it easy not drinking, being happy about that. And hoping I don’t get cocky again. 2 Finding a compilation of interviews of a very outspoken vegan Gary Yourofsky in my news feed. Beautiful. Horrifying. But it gives me food for thought. I noticed in Ayahuasca ceremonies that those who did the clean food diet leading up to the ceremony had more ‘profound’ experiences during the ceremony. If there is such a thing as judging and labelling spiritual experiences. So yes, I do think that eating clean (no additives, no sugar, no, well, no nothing only veggies and fruit) leads me to be a better human and have more clarity. 3 My newly found rest. I just ask, what would a women who loves herself do now and do it. πŸ™‚ Pfiew!

I hope you have a good, loving, compassionate and possibly, maybe hopefully sober weekend.

xx, Feeling

Question about the vibe of addiction

Do you have that too? That addiction as a phenomena gets thrown at you from any direction? I sort of believe in this ‘vibe of addiction’ where well, addicts attract addicts. Or ex-addicts attract ex-addicts. I believe for me personally it has to do with disliking those who are very clear, sharp and precise and in my view ‘condemning’ me. So I stay away from non addicted people, obviously that leads me to consciously, or subconsciously move closer to addicted people.

‘Drinking with inferiors’ was one of the stages of the Jellinek curve. I did that for a while, going into pubs on my own after finishing a big assignment. I was in the danger zone already but still thought I could moderate. Tomorrow obviously, never today. Then noticed I did not fit in in the pub life and started drinking on my own a lot.


Well, for me this ‘drinking with inferiors’ and being attracted to addicted people is a shameful thing. Not sure why but there is a lot of shame around this subject for me. It feels ‘dirty’. I guess for me it drinking with inferiors is proof of having an addictive personality. Still don’t know if I should or should not say ‘am addicted’. I guess if I don’t drink I am not addicted. But I certainly do have an addictive personality and it it VERY active :-).

Well, every time I hope to NOW have really said goodbye to this vibe of addiction reality tells me something else.

I’m at the give away shop, open a children’s book ‘Shall we be friends’ while at the same time I was still wondering if the bookstore man was a transfer addiction from my side. I lied to myself saying ‘Noooooo, I want to be FRIENDS, this has nothing to do with addiction.’ And I open the book and on the brand page it says ‘Junk books’. Thank you Universe….. :-/

Today I went to see 2 of my best friends who have supported me through the difficult time before quitting alcohol. I have, however never told them that I had to quit and that alcohol and not so much depression was the cause of my ‘depression’. So I thought I would tell them today. And somehow the moment did not seem right, and not right, and…. not right and I was thinking about 15 months ago when I felt so bad and how everything changed to happy(er) after that. And then one of them gives me a present, a box of tea of the taste ‘Touch the ground – happy landings‘. Thank you. Universe! Rock bottom tea? I mean?!

2 Out of the 3 books I picked up in the bookstore and opened I opened on a page where people speak of addiction or somebody drinking too much. Even the bookstore man was surprised how I picked those pages. He would hand me a book I would open it and he would not even know or realise it was in there while for me it was just where the book opens.

The other day after my job interview I biked home being SURE that I had now beaten this addiction thing because I had done this sensible thing with care for me. I came home and watched the next episode of Stargate; the one and only in several seasons where somebody is addicted (to the Wraith dope).

I go to the Ayurveda doctor, he feels what humour I have and tells me it is Pitta – Kapha. The first next thing I read about Kapha is that they are addiction prone.

Oh yeah, both new ‘friends’ I have made in this last year, bookstore man 1 and 2 (rename old and young) have a history of addiction. The old quit his heroine use and somehow got to drink normally, like a bottle a month normal. And well, the young bookstore man smokes pot and eats sugar by the kilo in the shape of pie.

Random people I meet on the street tell me about quitting addiction. Which is a good sign, better than they telling me they are addicted. πŸ™‚

So… well, I guess I still carry it around. I was wondering if you have the same experiences?

I am happy that I quit, because I am starting to like me better and that would not have happened if I had been drinking. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have been alive anymore.

Wwawwlhd? She would be in bed by now but not berate herself over that. πŸ™‚

I want: my arm and shoulder to be better, it is getting better, less stiff very quickly but the pain in my arm has returned. I would just LOVE to sleep for a full night in one stretch again instead of waking up 5 times.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

3 Things: nice friends meet ups and long long phone calls.

On discipline: ghegheghe… with the ‘what would a women who loves herself do?’ things to do change from tiresome tasks into loving care. Which is good. A person who loves herself does not eat the whole bar of chocolate but only a few pieces. She plans on having 3 pieces and then eats 5 because she likes it. She does not eat the whole bar because that makes her feel sick. Well, knowing me I do not know if this will last and I will not put pressure on it to try to make it last but I am thinking this is a good development. With this question, the projecting of care outwards and then taking it in again, I do a D-tour around the self-destruct button. And as Teal Swan says: with this concept you (I!) do not go out of your (my!) boundaries because we can only imagine/project what we can carry and complete.

Hope you have a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling

1 Day trial work :-)

Went to introduce myself at a company this morning. I can do a day trial work there next week. πŸ™‚ Still not totally sure if it is going to work because she said she has some doubts but she trusted it enough to let me try. I would doubt me too, my energy is doubtful so… that would statement would exactly be a reflection of the situation.

So…. it is eh, strange. Trying to tame the anxiety upfront while biking there. Realising that ‘What I can do with fear, I can also do without fear.’ I also wondered: wwawwlhd? and I decided she would not berate herself for being 10 minutes later to an appointment which was not set anyhow. It was totally a cold call. Also, upon arriving at the venue I felt I was not confident enough so after asking wwawwlhd? I realised that I needed some time to cool down so I entered the 2nd hand bookstore next door. (YES! They are EVERYWHERE!!! ;-))

And then I dared and thought: A women who loved herself would present herself with confidence, not be too assertive but still leave an impression. AND she would not be berating herself if she got no for an answer. She would be disappointed, she would try to work out why, but she would not take it so personally that she did not like herself anymore.

We had a 15 minutes talk. If all goes as I hope I can come to work next Tuesday. It is a 3-4 days job with possible extra time to come. It is at a firm I really appreciate for their efforts to improve the environment. If I am going to do simple work, which is all I feel up to now, I might as well do it where I agree with the company’s policy. πŸ™‚ I hope it will work out.

After the interview I biked to the give away store to read a book outside in the beautiful nature there but I got to speak with a women who has ADHD and is bipolar. That was sort of a match/mirror for all the flying feelings I had. πŸ™‚

Let’s see what the future brings. I still have this feeling that she can mail and say she changed her mind. But we will see. I will write here a letter of motivation now. Yes, that would be the other way around :-). That is ok.

xx, Feeling