On intimacy and sex

Ha, I was curious as to why I was so enthusiastic about Esther Nicholson from the tapping conference yesterday. And… then I checked out the OTHER interview. Dealing with me going in denial here – but I DID listen to Alina Frank and Craig Weiner on Learning to Love: Healing the Legacy of Trauma to Create Physical and Emotional Intimacy.

It was difficult to hear. I go into freezing at the moment people speak about freezing. Thoughts of things that happened have been I don’t know, driven to the background more and more. They were very present before I quit drinking and the anger stayed on for a few months and then, I don’t know, my direction of thought and feeling changed and it was not important anymore for me at these times.

During my last 6 months I have made some discoveries about childhood and youth, will, issues. I discovered that I had this sense of foreboding in, as far as I can remember, every situation that I ever got harassed. As far as I can remember ‘harassment’ never came ‘out of the blue’ – not at age 18, not at age 4. But that doesn’t make it easier  to deal with because now I go from thinking I am stupid and bad because this happened to me to actually feeling responsible. And I KNOW that is not the whole truth but I did not take action on my intuition and that is something that has gotten me in trouble at all sorts of levels in all sorts of situations.

I also discovered that I have this energetic door that I slam into the face of any man I meet. And that this triggers aggression. I don’t want to go into that too deep now. Need my wits upon me. Wondering if I’m self-sabotaging my (hopefully) new job with falling back into well, unsolved issues. I learned in the last month that I am pretty ok with being overweight and having grey hair because it ‘keeps me safe’ from admirers. Yes, time for some feel good film on Netflix and sleep. No dwelling on the past. Sign some contracts first, focus on a new job.

I will put in one extra paragraph on sex. If you know me in real life you might want to skip this one…. I have experienced almost a total lack of sex-drive since I quit drinking and fantasies that would normally stimulate me now look awful and inappropriate. (Yes this paragraph is about single-sex in case you wondered 😉 ) Also having sexual fantasies about actual people is something that I suddenly feel is very inappropriate ‘through-the-air-energy’ wise. Yeah, sounds funny, I know, but it is one of those psychological/physical changes that I find, well, strange – before I quit I would not have guessed that this would be part of it. It’s good, I guess, but a little funny to feel like I redefine sexuality at age 45. Having said so, I am guessing that nasty sexual experiences are a very big part of my drinking history so maybe it is actually the first thing I should have expected to change. Hmmm…. Shall I put ‘sex’ in the tags? I’ll dress it up a little. 🙂 The thought of sober sex is something that scares me and on the other side feels interesting. But I don’t have to worry about it because I lack a guy. And… seeing what is changing in me currently I am more and more convinced that it is indeed not wise to even think of starting a relation in the first year of recovery.

For those who know me in RL you can continue reading here:

I am happy that I quit although I could do with some serious tea.

I need: to keep my wits about me and not self-sabotage.

I want: the whole world to explode (sorry) where I am the only one who survives (sorry, again). I guess I need to take care of me. It’s amazing how quickly memories of events that I have experienced as destructive turn into big destructive feelings towards well, everything and everybody (triple sorry). Everything was fine yesterday. I need to Netflix, bathe, sleep.

Have a nice evening / day / morning! I promise you I will not blow up the world :-D. Just Netflix, bath, sleep. And sorry for you from the NSA having to read this blog now because somebody anonymously typed about blowing up the world: these are not code words. Just expressions of destructive feelings. 🙂 Trust me. 😀

xx, Feeling

Esther Nicholson on addiction – must hear

Heads-up for those that are not yet listening to the tapping conference today: if you have time, make sure that you listen to Esther Nicholson. When you do not have time, try make it. 😉

What she says about addiction is GOOD – even if you are not into tapping. It is on the addiction to feelings that lay below a substance or behavioral addiction. So addiction to unworthiness, addiction to fear, addiction to The Story (of our life) that keeps us where we are: feeling disconnected, unloved, scared.

Hope you find it as wonderful and helpful as I do. 🙂 Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

 

Tracing meridians for energy and health

I’ve done this and it feels great. Donna Eden shows how to trace the meridians (energy paths) in the body in order to feel energized. She is one of the speakers on the tapping conference on day 6 or 7, she’s still on now in my timezone. She is in the blue room, scroll down from the red and green room.

I have a new hypotheses: follow the happy people and see where it brings me.

I am happy that I quit, that still works, so that’s good. Had tiny urges last Friday after having done some very dusty and physical construction (well demolition) work at a friends and biking home in the spring sun suddenly made me ache for a beer. Guessing that is how I ‘learned’ to drink: work hard with my parents constructing a new house and drink beer after. Also the energy of nature awakening and the general feeling of ‘spring’ in the air to me is a little unsettling, getting in high spirits that I would usually let go of by drinking a lot, possibly in combination with taking a guy home from a pub. So…. that was informative. I guess I’ll need to keep an eye on that high spirits aspect in the coming weeks/months. Use if for something. Like spring cleaning 🙂 or sports :-).

I want: tot get organised but I still do not want to take that last step where I decide. Maybe, maybe I should take it easy on me and just do a little thing like not

I need: to get organised, and I feel I’m almost ready to accept that. I’m getting frustrated with how little I do in a day, even though I now wake up at 7:00 in the morning.

I want to: get organised but I still do not want to put the effort in. Just waiting for that rock-bottom? Learned a lot from Brad (?) on the procrastinating tapping interview. Where he tells (very free ‘quotes’) ‘While procrastinating we actually think that we take good care of ourselves – that is why and how we hang onto it.’ ‘If we procrastinate seriously we wait for rock-bottom to actually finally take action we are inspired by misery and somehow only think that doing stuff must be miserable’. These insights were (are?) very valuable to me. And now I come to think of it: procrastinating is one of my biggest ‘black holes’. I am so in denial that I do not even look for answers, I might listen if/when they happen to be on my path but otherwise? I can look up 10.001 things on the net, read books but never about this. Very uncomfortable with it. I feel as if I have ‘done so much already’ with quitting drinking.

I take: yeah, well, something funny here, I take Magnesium salt for (against…) a tiny muscle that tics above my eyelid but it is not going away and another effect that should be going away ‘being hungry after a meal’ has suddenly developed. It is strange. And expensive. And fattening :-D. Need to look up how this works. In Bach remedies or homeopathic medicine it can sometimes happen that at first things get worse. That means that the remedy is correct but the dose or strength is not. Hmmm, need to feel into that. Nah, don’t feel like it. 😀

I hope you have a nice day/evening/morning. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Tapping script

Hi all,

For those who are not into the tapping conference, and for me and my log I’ve put up a little list here. Starting with a general video on how tapping works from the Ortner brother and sister. (Thanks to Mallards for finding this 🙂 )

And I’ve written out a tapping script from the talk on pain on the tapping conference, it is from Nick Ortner. From what I have learned so far I think it is important to write your own script with the things that pop up while you are tapping because otherwise you don’t get to the deeper levels. The Ortner family tends to start of with tapping on feeling overwhelmed because they have the experience that is how it is.

Not sure if I’m allowed to put it in print here. If not, please let me know and I’ll take it down.

Tune into a situation, a memory: where were you when it happened? Do you remember the day? Do you remember the place, the room? What did it look like? Do you remember the season, the day maybe? The time? Do you remember how you got there? What the weather was like? Do you remember what you were wearing? Were you alone or where there other people with you? What was said? What happened? How did you feel?

Tune into the feeling. The stress, the anxiety, how overwhelmed you feel.

I feel so ____________ And just feel how true that feels on a 0 to 10 scale. Notice that number, notice how that feels in your body. Also make a note, the pain that you are working on, where is it now on a 0 to 10 scale in your body? If there are multiple places where you feel pain or stress

 

Even though I am feeling overwhelmed and there is so much to do. I deeply and completely accept myself now. Even though I feel so overwhelmed about this _________ I love, accept and forgive myself. Even though I am so frustrated, overwhelmed and ______ about this ___________ I am tired of it, I have had enough and I love, accept and forgive myself.	Side of hand
All of this overwhelm	Eyebrow
This anxiety	Side of the eye
This stress in my body	Under the eye
I am so frustrated with this__________	Under the nose
And I feel so overwhelmed	Under the mouth
It is hard to even think about it	Collarbone
I have thought about it so much	Under the arm
And I am sick and tired of it	Top of the head
All of the stress around this __________	Eyebrow
All these thoughts	Side of the eye
All his confusion	Under the eye
Around this _________	Under the nose
It is safe to feel these feelings	Under the mouth
I acknowledge the stress	Collarbone
I acknowledge this frustration	Under the arm
I acknowledge all these feelings	Top of the head
And I feel safe in my body	Eyebrow
Acknowledging this overwhelm	Side of the eye
This frustration	Under the eye
And choosing to let it go	Under the nose
What if I could let it go?	Under the mouth
What if I can release these feelings?	Collarbone
Just a little bit?	Under the arm
What if I could relax?	Top of the head
Thinking about this ________	Eyebrow
Releasing all these feelings.	Side of the eye
Feeling safe in my body	Under the eye
Knowing that I am safe	Under the nose
Even if I am (in pain / experiencing _____)	Under the mouth
Feeling safe and grounded	Collarbone
In every cell of my body	Under the arm
Right now	Top of the head
Deep breath in.

If you google on ‘Tapping scripts’ you can find more scripts. Like this one from Jessica on Weight Loss. I guess it is wise to remember that this technique only works when you speak your own truth when doing the ‘negative’ and ‘complaining’ part. As Nick says in the above video from 16:20 minutes onwards. In the conference of this year he quoted Louise Hay, queen of positive thinking, who says something like: ‘You’ve got to see the rubbish before you can clean it out.’ How very true. 🙂

Tapping

I’m really enjoying the tapping seminar. For those who have not been able to watch or listen to any of it: you can find some other video’s on the subject on Youtube as well.

What I really enjoy is how the technique helps me realise my pre-thingy thingies (what are those words?) where I have a conviction that seems unimportant until now I realise that a lot of my life is actually based on it. So I’ve done some tapping and low and behold, my lower back pain is worse than it has ever been but I feel I’m really getting the hang of it. :-).

On ‘not wanting to grow up’ on ‘not being able to bear responsibility’ on ‘being overwhelmed by the demands of the world’, on thinking ‘I’m not good enough to be really happy’, I ‘don’t deserve to be pain-free’. All that caught up in some vague back pain. 🙂 So yeah, my lower back pain suddenly got bad… auch, but the rest of my back is happily tingling like it has come to life for the first time in my life. I feel like there is a layer of stress that resided (?) just below my skin, all over my body, and it is sort of relaxing now. It feels like I can hold more air when breathing. The cat fell asleep on my lap which is very rare.

I guess the main thing with the tapping is to address an issue and find out what is keeping me from ‘being happy’ about it. Hmmmm, suddenly I don’t feel like going into all of that. But well, that’s what I think is important and that’s why I think it is important to either draw up your own script or work with somebody who can actually see / feel what is / that something is happening and knows how to alert you of ‘fleeting thoughts’.

Well, don’t have a lot to say actually. And always when I say that I really start…

I am happy that I quit. I think I do not really remember the destructive thoughts I used to have. It is only so now and then, like once every week or 2 weeks that I have this image of knives floating around me and cutting me up. That I guess is the darkest thought popping up. Well dark enough, I guess. By now I do not lean into it anymore but just realise that what I am thinking and feeling is destructive and that I have difficulty there. Funny that this is the first time in my life that I can actually really feel that I have this destructive thought. I have written about it before but it has never really occurred that this vision is sort of ‘out of place’. It somehow does not really seem to belong to me anymore. And yet it pops up. Hmmm… Maybe it does so to say goodbye.

A lot of feelings left me today. By the way; if you ever get to choose a blog name or a ‘secret identity’ don’t use something as common as ‘Feeling’. I get a fright every time somebody writes something like ‘This Feeling confuses me.’ or ‘That is a Feeling I suppress.’ What?! What?! What did I do now?! And writing this down I am afraid that somebody will use that against me and do it on purpose. Pfiew. 😦 The stories in our mind. Keep it to myself: Pffff… the stories in my mind. I want to let go. I think I want to try to live without all these stories that keep me from making healthy decisions, keep me from repairing, keep me from growing. Letting go is difficult for me even if it is negative. Just as it is to let go of eating chocolate. Somehow it does not sit with me very well anymore, even a few pieces fill me up more than I like. But there is this voice in me saying ‘What else is left?!’ I don’t know! Maybe I should have a little chat with that voice. Not now.

So, happy that I quit.

I want: pffff, dunno. Funny day today. So much changes inside with the tapping, I feel like if I would have done more I would have not recognised myself inside anymore. And I only did like 5 minutes or so.  I guess I want things to be easy. I want this filthy rich man I met in the store 2 days ago to give me a job on a project of his in which we work out how we can get some substantial changes in our country when it comes to balancing out work-life conflicts in our economy.

I need: dunno, need to find my balance again and start doing stuff and organise again and again and again. 🙂

I take: chocolate but it does not process very well. Apart from the chocolate I am having one clean food meal a day just because I like it. The other might be muesli. And then I somehow need to balance all the health out and eat a bag of potato chips. 😀 Life…

I hope you have a nice day / evening / night!

xx, Feeling