On drinking and paying for it

Dreamed that I drank last night, had forgotten that I did not anymore. It was some fruit punch laced with alcohol offered to me, on purpose. Well, he works for a beer firm.   He used to have a relation with one of my best friends. She is 38 now and has been in a unfulfilling relationship with him for years. She needed a strong man and got it; she felt useless, overpowered and lacked self-esteem.

She broke up with him by moving into someone elses bed because he did make her feel valued. That did not work and now she is single after half a year while her ex…. found his soul mate and they are having a baby. Yes, yes, that is quick, quick for knowing somebody 5 months… what about ‘My app said that I could not get pregnant….’ 🙂

So now my friend of 38 is alone at home feeling all kinds of undefined sadness and very defined jealousy but also realising that she could not have stayed with him. In the dream I was trying to tell her that this is the price we pay for bad choices. And I would almost say ‘as usual’ I did so without regards to her feelings since there is this part where I can’t bear what she’s doing and why she is ‘moaning’ while it is obviously the result of her lack of bad choices. She made a choice to be dependent on her ex. Then started to dislike it but still did not leave and now she is 38, alone and yearning for a baby. Doesn’t that…. sounds familiar? No wonder I can’t deal with her being unhappy over that. 😦

I am having a difficult time accepting the choices I made when boozing. Even in the years that I only drank 2 days in the weekend I knew I did not want kids. That was because of a whole lot of reasons but also because I did not want to quit yet and knew intuitively that I would get worse. Be dependent on a person, on a substance, make no choice and life passes by. It is tough to realise. I sort of thought, hoped, I don’t know, that I could undo stuff, that life had not started seriously because I was not serious about it. Now I find I can’t turn back time. It is silly to only find that out age 45, I know. I guess that was another aspect of life that I drank away.

So, my arrogance in the dream was nicely answered with a glass of whatever-punch that I drank – forgetting all about not drinking and not paying attention to the smell and taste of alcohol because I was so obsessed with my friends issue…. And I got sick, very much so. Not drinking has moved to the background in real life. I could imagine me stepping into such a punch trap because I don’t expect it. Booze to me looks like beer and possibly wine, not like fruit.

What does the dream mean? Not sure about any deep meaning but when I take it face value it points me at some issues I did not see by by showing me something that I can see: her pain. And it told me that arrogance will lead to drinking. Which I have already worked through once but obviously needed to see again.

I am happy that I quit, although it is time to move on and that feeling gets to a boiling point. I feel like I am waiting for divine intervention. That will come: the bank account will go. It is like making no decisions… that’s when others will decide :-/.

I want: to go out and walk in the sun.

I need: there is a lot of things that I think I should, but that is not what I need. I can not look at the place where the answer to what I need is. I guess that is called resistance. Must be something there I don’t want to know. Like: I need to get a move on… Which is absolutely true. I feel I have no hands to get hold of a beginning. Everything has changed, I am closer to home than I have ever been but I am not familiar where I am yet. I feel closer to home when it comes to me and my health, I feel further away from my former job and projects. So many things, layers, falling off. I stand but I have not been able to look at the surroundings.

So many things changed in the last month(s). I have found a beginning of a want to be nice to people. NEW! And that I can get to a place where I do not feel attacked or a need to be not nice when I align inside with the light I have met in my ayahuasca ceremonies.

I thought: only dead fish go with the flow. Which is an attitude that got me in trouble and got me doing my own detox and sobriety path that I think works well for me. That aspect of me: that the worse thing is sometimes also the best thing, that is strange. I often feel torn and unbalanced. Ghegheghe… the hippo says ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, heard it before, this 80 Euro cent hippo is teaching me a lot. 🙂

I feel like I am somebody different from whom I was. That is ok with friends who I see often but strange with people who I don’t. Aaah, that is a part of what makes the store man attractive: there is a new start in being there. In conversation with him I have taken the chance to say what I really, really mean. I do not often do that apart from here because I want to hide my drinking history. So that is what secrecy brings: lacking connection, loneliness.  I will go for a walk in the sun. Let some light in.

I take: I changed salts to others, one about backpain in the tailbone. I did sleep well but still wake up once a night to go to the toilet but now I do not wake up fully because I came from deep sleep. Somehow the cat always wakes me up when I need to go the toilet – or I need to go because she wakes me up. Still not sure. After she had a nest of kittens she has included me in her care. Telling me when to go to bed, waking me up.

And don’t read if you don’t want the nasty story: I still need to look this up but it feels like my urine has changed acid like apple cider vinegar – it irritates my skin if I’m not quick enough. I know it sounds bad but it does not feel bad in my body and I assume it is the acidity LEAVING my body – which is what some of the salts are for do: to alkalize. I still feel like I am loosing inches and a little weight but more because my body becomes more dense. Like I referred to with the shrinking of my ‘aura’. Need to check. To measure is to know.

I am halfway through another day of my life and I feel I only worked out issues and did nothing else. I’m getting fed up with me. But, happy that I quit. Now I can look at the being fed up instead of drowning it. 🙂

Why falling in love is not a good idea

Since Mr Store man has informed me of being in a relation I am restless and for the first time in 5 months I hate being sober. Now when I read back after having written the rest of the post I realise that I do not hate being sober, I hate feeling pain where it really hurts. I am truly experiencing that wanting to start a relation now is NOT A GOOD IDEA. Well that is apart from the fact where he is taken and into pot more than I had hoped. I get thrown all over the place by my emotions. Fucking irritating. I am back in this I WANT IT TO GO AWAY mode that I know from drinking. Blggghhhh. And for the first time in my 5 months sober history I am regretting that I quit drinking. (That was my first reaction – I don’t feel that now after writing this post) I feel a shitload of apprehension to be writing about this. But I guess I need to sort out my feelings around it or things are not going right.

Notice: apprehension, looming danger, I want it to go away now – the quick solution. Addictive thinking is taking over. I feel apprehension to think about this because it is very uncomfortable there where I need to go and I feel loss and pain. And I feel ridiculous. Ridiculous for being so stupid as to think that somebody that nice could be out there waiting for me. A store man! Another alien when it comes to feeling things that most people won’t notice. Isn’t that the dream come true for the one blogger that does everything by the book. 😉

The not so funny thing is, in these dreams I just ‘forget’ about him using pot. The day after the last long visit a friend and I stopped at his store to drop of a leaflet. Walking into that store with somebody from my daily life made me realise IMMEDIATELY that the store man has this fog around his head. I had forgotten about that. I had seen it the first moment I saw him but obviously something in his appearance had attracted more attention.

So there are all kinds of mechanisms going on here. I thought I was pretty safe from falling in love because I did not immediately feel physically attracted to him which is my normal route. So I thought I would be charmed but not fall in love. Until he said he had a girlfriend and I suddenly did feel like I lost. Isn’t that strange. Not only the moment, but that could just be a moment of confrontation. But the feeling that I lost. Not the feeling that I lost a person, not the feeling that what we had up to that moment would have been out of reach because it is not, not the feeling of loosing a love but the feeling of having lost in this world again. Having lost what is good and enlightens me, brings me life. And then there is that word ‘again’ that already surprised me in a former blogpost.

I feel like I’m part of this tribe and everybody has got their own fire with people around them and their own families and I don’t. I don’t feel unwelcome at the other fires and I am happy with my own fire even though, now I look at it is not burning proud but smoldering with an occasional flame while I look around me feeling sad for what I am missing out of. While on the other hand I can not stand the giving in part that I would need to do to be able to last longer at a fire like that for 3 days. Relations for me equal a prison, the tying up and the torture starts slowly and mostly unseen but will definitely come. And with every man I in my life I thought it was different this time.

Sstore man said out of the blue one day: ‘Because you think in duality you will meet men who live in duality. Only when you yourself change the world around you will change.’

He doesn’t speak a lot of judgements because he mentioned something like ‘focussing positive energy on something is a better idea’. I do get the concept but I do not fully live in that (yet?) Not when things get unclear or I get emotional :-D. What he meant to say is that I have a very black and white view of male-female relations where the man is evil and takes the woman is angelic and has to give. And that it is no wonder that I keep meeting people that live in that same thought if I keep on living in that same thought. My therapist (hi!) has warned me for that too, in other words. And I have experienced it myself that when I get more positive in general I meet nicer people like the sauna man I wrote about. And the three guys at the party that enjoyed ‘stepping down’ from their career in order to spend more time with their kids and give their wife the opportunity to fly. So I am guessing it is true. And while I am writing this message appears on my facebook wall from the store man. Not specifically for me I am guessing.

“If there are whole parts of yourself that you are always running from, that you even feel justified in running from, then you’re going to run from anything that brings you into contact with your feelings of insecurity. And have you noticed how often these parts of ourselves get touched? The closer you get to a situation or a person, the more these feelings arise. Often when you’re in a relationship it starts off great, but when it gets intimate and begins to bring out your neurosis, you just want to get out of there. So I’m here to tell you that the path to peace is right there, when you want to get away.”

Figured that one out before when it was about getting sober: the growth is where the funny  things are. So this. And here. Where it hurts.

And it suddenly pops I guess that is what I misunderstood: the difference between universal and personal love. Or I am being played with tremendously here and all these Facebook messages on subjects we spoke about are not for me. That would be another fear. 🙂

I need to go out now the weather is still fine, and having written this down I now feel good enough to be able to go out. This subject is not finished yet but I want to push the publish button – somehow that helps getting things of my chest. So there are still a few pieces of unruly text:

UNSORTED PARAGRAPHS

I have an issue with men. Did I tell you that if I list the names of my last three persons of interest in a row you get: liver quick damage. That is the funny thing in The Netherlands, people have strange names. I guess the universe is leaving a message…. Pffff, how could I not see before? Just not sure how to read it. Don’t want to accept the not now sign in it. 😀 But I’m guessing unless I do I will be finding trouble.

On loss and pain: I feel ridiculous. Also because I had strung up hopes on being offered and entry to a job this week which did not happen, well sort of did but at that time I found out that the person that did that had not paid a bill of mine that he said he did. So how is that for trust?

I don’t want to twist and turn to hold on to things and people – and then when I get close I suddenly feel like something good is passing me by and I want to hold on so badly that I squeeze it to death. Funny thing is, when he was a store man with whom beautiful conversations took place – everything was ok. I could see that he smoked pot, leave it with him and continue my life. Now he uses the G word (girlfriend) I feel like I lose :-(. And then I put having and holding into the mix and everything turned upside down.

Today I’ll stick to this one:

Thank you for reading. I am guessing the work has started for me too.

Happy-ish that I quit. I want life to be simple. Guess I should go do stuff that I like then and not worry or wallow in hurt but work out where the learning is.

I want: the store man to call me that he will be quitting his pot and leaving his girlfriend and he will adore me for the rest of my life and we will live happily ever after.

I need: to get a grip. Pffffff, suffocating dreams. I don’t even like people who adore. Not sure how to get a grip yet but I’ll work it out. Not now, now I want to walk, do stuff.

Does the ocean say ‘No’ to half of the waves?

First I was drinking and then I quit and felt my way back into life by following the nice feelings in order ‘to become clear’.

Now I am not drinking, clearing up and very happy about it. But I am still procrastinating and to my idea not dealing very well with negativity. Yes, I have unleashed the weird 😉 here every now and then. And my contact with the Universe and all things ‘coincidentally good’ has improved a 1000 times – but… I feel there is something I am not doing.

So this video popped up out of nowhere:

It is about procrastinating, (me) wanting to fix people and with that not listening to what is, and alcohol (bonus!). If it does not open, try checking it out on YouTube. I had dismissing procrastinating it as ‘bad’ and ‘needs to go away’ but the video made me realise there is an (imagined) purpose to procrastinating. And the energy that came free from accepting that I procrastinate was BIG. 🙂

Then I realised I follow all the good stuff and get the Universe messages, but in my still developing theory on dis-ease, there is a place for feeling bad as well. My theory starts with: ‘All that is there to be felt is there for a reason and the reason is to guide you (me!) to a good place.’ Which is nice in theory but I am not practising it when it comes to procrastinating. I feel bad about that but don’t act upon that feeling. And realising that developing my intuition, or my higher goal: to get clear – is not only about listening to the nice stuff. And as I lay in my bed, working out how it works that I need to say yes to the dark stuff as well, a friend of mine put this video on Facebook. Surprise! It is on saying yes to the dark stuff as well. Does the ocean say No to half of the waves?

And I am starting to see that if I do not forgive me for having specific difficulty with drinking or procrastinating I will not be able to work on it. And the universe again, started to do its thing and in another 3 steps I stumbled upon a lesson in forgiving :-).

Not sure how it is going to work, but I guess there is a path. And a book I believe? 🙂

That was the nice part of the morning. Memories brought me back to age 12. Procrastinating and not working makes me feel guilty, specifically because people say things like: You have all these brains and don’t do shit with it. Yes, that would be me. Anger unleashing: But you know what? My brains are my own and I don’t have to fucking live up to your plan of my life! I am NOT going to be a shrink or a doctor!

Primary school in The Netherlands finishes with a big test at age 12, I believe it takes one or two days. I had prepared myself with getting in the zone, I guess I still prayed then and I really worked my ass off to get all the answers right. I scored 99% in the test which meant that only 1% of the 12 year olds in the country that year scored better. I had no clue of that. I just thought there had been a competition and I had scored high, almost a 10 (A+). So I came home and was very, absolutely proud, yearning to hear that I had done well because nobody at school had dared to say something to me. And my fathers first reaction was: ‘Yes, we always thought you had 1 percent missing.’

And everybody laughed and laughed and laughed and then told me to stop crying because I was being silly, should not be so sensitive and should be happy that I had scored 99%. I FUCKING WAS TILL YOU CAME ALONG!! They continued that they did not want to take this score too seriously because I was always such a serious child trying to live up to expectations. Blablabla, that is an excuse that sucks. Just say that you screwed up because you wanted to be funny more than you cared about my feelings and in hindsight saw that this worked out worse than you hoped. That would be an apology.

3 Years later I finally felt that I did live up to expectations and lost interest in school IMMEDIATELY. I had been best of class for 2 years and in the top 3 for the third year. In the 4th grade, age 15, I dropped out. Lost interest, did not want to live up to expectations that were ‘useless anyway’. Could not deal anymore with the stress at home, people drinking and constantly arguing, constantly nagging. Never a normal, nice, adult way of dealing with stuff. Always shouting and arguing. No peace. Ever. Sitting in the living room being utterly tense and afraid for the next fight. Everybody was arguing except my brother. Everybody got argued with, except my brother. Hmm, I guess I came done on my brother. Gave him the shit I felt. 😦 Sorry, brother.

At one moment I started loosing it, I don’t know what I lost, had something to do with control, I started to intervene. Try to fix them. Draw the attention to me by being disrespectful. I’ve been doing that for years. It is only now, today that I can see that my current developments will probably lead me to see that I did not stand a chance. There is no saving people who keep on drinking. No matter how hard I wanted that and no hard I tried.

They did ‘not even’ ‘drink a lot’. My mother drank home-made wine of 14%, 2 – 2,5 glasses of it which, with the size of the glass meant that she drank almost a bottle of 12% wine a day. But her liver was very bad due to the cancer (or the other ways around) so we would notice her behaviour change halfway the first glass and she would get irritated with everything and look for a fight with anybody except my brother, during the second glass.

At that time my father drank 1 liter of beer a day and sometimes, like once every 2 months binged one evening in the weekend. That would lead to extreme arguing in the house and finally I guess social isolation. A person who has Aspergers is not easy to speak with without the booze. With the booze it is like being run over by a freight train. So I drank with him.

Procrastinating, actually saying ‘things are too big and going to quickly, I can not catch up.’. I thought I might as well do the things that have nothing to do with the other things that go too quickly. Or maybe approach it like I did drinking: learn to see where things feel bad and good and take it from there. Or not so much ‘start do stuff’ but ‘stop not doing stuff’. And change the name because I could not quit when I called myself an alcoholic. There is no hope in that word. It carries darkness. I used to be psychologically addicted to alcohol and now I have quit drinking and am dealing with the consequences of not dealing with life while drinking.

I am happy that I quit. These last 3 days have been showing me my yet undocumented dark sides. I met somebody exactly like me. I felt like this extra terrestrial finally meeting one from the universe here on earth. And then I screwed up by insulting him. It did teach me shitloads. I would not have learned what I did if I had not cared. But shit! I need to get a grip on this anger and power stuff because it is fucking destructive. I want to become clear, not swept of my feet by any minor threat to what? Dunno. Happy that I quit though because otherwise I would not have met ‘the other alien’ (ooh, he is the store guy, he is partially blogged about!). Let’s just say that: I am happy that I quit and I am only responsible for what I do and not for how other people are or react to that.

I want / my intentions are to use all that life force to bash through this issue and get a grip on my ego. But that feels like trying to solve the issue with the same brain that created it. Let’s see what life brings. 🙂 Forgiveness. And maybe realising that I still am not all-powerful. These two things mix. Haven’t worked it out yet. Aah, because I do not know how to behave differently because people with power issues tend to look up people with power issues. And people without power issues are wise enough to stay away from people with power issues. I have no example. Well, I guess I am back to vigilance. Not on the drink think now but on the ‘power issue’ thing. We shall see.

I need: don’t know. I hope I learn to let go because this pain and resentment seems to keep me stuck in the past. I think this is the first time in 4,5 months that I have used the words ‘letting go’. So maybe it’s about time. But first the power issue, or maybe they are connected.

New category: I am taking: Schuessler cel salts on ‘letting go’, ‘improving sleep’, ‘high blood pressure’, ‘being overly sensitive in the ‘wrong’ way.’, ‘improving bile production’ (no diarrhea anymore and things start to get healthily smelly again 🙂 – if you cared to know. 😉 ). The salt I am taking on ‘feeling attacked easily’ might influence the path that I am walking now on the power issues.

Whatever. I am done writing. Need to get some air so…. third walk to the store. 🙂

Learning to listen to my inner voice

Now this is a strange story. I was on my way to the nutritionist Friday. The evening before, I had set the alarm in the dark. My inner voice and I had, well, have, this continuous battle. Or maybe I am arguing with my inner voice. I want to change that but oooh, ego. 😦  It goes like this:

‘No, you should turn the light on for setting the alarm.’

‘Don’t want to.’

‘Yes you should, you don’t see this right.’

‘No, but I know where the buttons are.’

‘Noohoooooo!’

‘Yeahesssssss!’

I never turned on the light and woke up at 8:45 while the alarm was supposed to be set at 7:45 hours. But I did not know that then, so I snoozed a little…

‘You should check out the clock before you snooze again.’

‘Pfffff…..’ (checking the clock.) ‘SHIT!!! THE CLOCK IS WRONG!!!! IT IS 8:54!!!! WHY DID IT NOT GO OFF ON TIME?!!!! I DID NOT SNOOZE THAT LONG?!!!! STUPID CLOCK!!! Oooh, hmmm…. Fcuk!’ Insert negative self talk here.

‘No, don’t waste your energy on berating yourself. Don’t worry. If you get up now you can still make it to your 9:30 appointment. Just don’t wash your hair and eat a little muesli instead of cooking porridge. You will be fine.’

‘Pfffff…. Grrrrrr…. I wanted to be EXACTLY ON TIME FOR ONCE!’

So I biked to the nutritionist, relaxed actually because I am teaching myself to relax in traffic because I am not going to go any faster anyhow when stressed and I might aswell enjoy the journey and the exercise. I noticed that happiness is much easier when not berating myself. 🙂

So… I was relaxed and thinking about needing to go to the GP to get my blood pressure checked so I actually automatically biked towards the GP instead of the nutritionist.

‘This is not where you should be.’

‘Ieeeeeeeehks! You see?!! I can’t do anything right! Can’t even get on time. Can’t get where I need to go! My brain is all clogged up, it is foggy, I can never ever get a job again!’

‘No no no no, don’t go there. Your brain is foggy from the sugar you took yesterday and you are learning to relax but you have not learned to relax AND keep your eye on the goal. That’s all. You think relaxing is about ‘not having to do anything anymore and not be responsible’. That is not so. You need to and will learn to relax AND stick to your goal. That is how grown ups do that.’

‘I don’t believe that. I will be flat broke before I have learned all that. People will find out I am stupid. I can never get a job or hold one if I can’t even bike to a place!’

‘You seriously need to work on those parts of your health and mind but stressing about it will not help you.’

‘You see! You said ‘seriously’. I am doooooooomed!!!!! And I don’t know the address from here. I can’t remember how I got to the nutritionist anymore!’

‘Breath! You are panicking. Now what did you learn? If you don’t know how to do it with your brain you can feel your way through.’

‘This is all going very wrong. Very wrong.’

‘You are exactly where you should be learning exactly what you should be learning.’

‘It takes too looooooong!!! I will be flat broke before I have learned it all. I am sure! I will have to fake my way through. I can’t do that, people will find out that I am a big fraud.’

‘You can’t go faster than you go. And if you worry about later you are not taking the lesson in the here and now. If there is something that will slow you down, that will be it. Breathe.’

And I biked and could not get my head around how to get to the nutritionist while they are, I guess at most 1,5 km / 1 mile apart.

‘I am lost!! This is so typical. This is a tiny, tiny village, and I am lost. So typical. How will I ever get through the world if I don’t even know my way in the center of my own town?!’

‘You are panicking and you are not listening. And you are not feeling your way.’

‘I am lost!!!! I can’t feel anymore. I don’t know where to go. I’ll be late. I am stupid.’

‘Relax. But not now, now you need to bike like crazy. If you don’t there will be something falling of that scaffolding on you.’

‘Pfffff, now who is not relaxing?’

‘BIKE!!!!!!’

‘Ok, ok! But those people up there sure know what they do. You know, one thing I have learned is to have a little faith and NOT be afraid of so many things anymore.’

‘BIKE!!!!!’

‘Ok. OK!!! Whoops!!!! Was that a bucket?! SHIT!!! Just missed me by 1 meter!!! DA FACK??!!!!

A bucket with debris fell of the scaffolding, it landed 1 meter behind my bike. It wasn’t really heavy but I guess it would have knocked me of the bike when it would have hit me. But it did not. I felt like taking another direction but I could not due to traffic. 🙂

‘………………………….. Ok. I will breath. I will relax. Thank you.’

And then I relaxed and breathed and knew the way suddenly, I biked there with pleasure while contemplating the lessons learned.

Lesson 1: Listen to my inner voice. It is there to guide me, even if I don’t feel like doing what it says. Listen so the voice does not have to come up with these nasty accidents anymore to inform me. The inner voice bugs me as well to inform me of worldly things that need to be learned and done. The inner voice is not only the nice one that is comforting me. I can not only take the nice parts from the voice that I like – that is indulging and has little to do with growth. I need growth now. My voice is bugging me because a lot of things need to be done and I am NOT living in line with my spirit. That is why I have an issue with should. Because I SHOULD get a move on.

Lesson 2: There is a difference between relaxing and not taking responsibility. I have always thought they were the same.

Lesson 3: I am an insolent, ungrateful, egocentric, stubborn, lazy brat trying to master adult life with responsibilities and stuff. Well, one day I’ll get there. 🙂

And my inner voice says I should not do the negative talk…

‘Don’t you ever shut up?!!!’

‘Actions have consequences. Nature does not punish, nor does it reward.’

‘But I am already feeling guilty about it!’

‘Guilt is useless, either do something or don’t. Wasting energy on guilt is useless.’

I’m going to have a bath.

Still reading and psychological changes

Still reading Tommy Rosen’s ‘Recovery 2.0’. By now I guess you must be thinking that I read rather slowly. I do, I do. I want to know for sure that I did not read past sentences because I know me: resistance is big 🙂 and because of the denial I never know when it pops up. I have a highly developed capacity for looking away so… keeping me on a leash here and reading slowly and for the first time in my life actually marking sentences in a book! Well, in pencil. The book makes me happy and things fall into place. Up to now he describes his journey and his methode to feel his way back into life. I was already doing a some of the stuff which is why I am so happy I am reading this book: obviously my ‘feeling my way back method’ does somehow make sense. 🙂 And thankful that somebody went the road before me and puts things into place.

Suddenly I am very much drawn to mandalas. Not sure how this mandala fits in here but to me it does. To me it feels as what I am doing and how that relates to the universe.

Funny changes: since I started reading this book I am behind the screen a lot less. I just don’t like it anymore, it feels wrong. Rosen speaks of the ‘frequency of addiction’ –  I know exactly what he means and how it feels, I just did not know it had a name. It is what I dislike VERY MUCH and I guess it is my biggest motivation for wanting to be clear. And now I know why my goal is not ‘not drinking’ my goal has always been ‘being clear’, not drinking is part of that.

Well, the other thing that happens spontaneously is that I am (yes, up front very sorry to say this but I promised myself not to edit and I would edit if I would leave this out) not interested anymore in sober blog reading or writing for that matter. My ayahuasca spirit has revisited and repeats back from years ago: ‘All these opinions, don’t go there, it is not important.’  Which is what she said to me when doing my first or second ayahuasca sessions years ago. Guessing she is right. I am starting to want to listen to this internal voice more and more and make time for it. Hope is it not a ‘wandering off in seclusion thing’. Let’s see how this develops and how I will continue to develop if I don’t write stuff down. (There’s this voice saying: you might want to start connecting with people in real life….) Odd…. 😀

Next: I am starting to really see the clutter in my house and really notice how this system of looking away from it works. I am trying to keep my attention there where it hurts but that does not work yet. Not going to force it (ghegheghe) I am cleaning way more than I have don over the last, say 2 years? And not only ‘because someone is coming’.

Important questions these days: ‘What is your favorite way to spend time?’

Answer at any moment: ‘So why are you in front of the computer now?’

I am not sure anymore if I am happy that I quit because the big negatives are sort of disappearing out of sight. However, last night I dreamed that I forgot I had quit and drank a glass of wine at a party and WHAAAAA I wanted the whole bottle and remembered: O yeah, that’s what it was like…. let’s not do that.

That’s were I am sometimes: either in mandala land happily learning stuff or in purgatory, in the hell that is not hell but deals an eternal suffering because there is time but no movement. So time passes but nothing happens, no consequences but no growth and improvements either. Guessing that is where I weigh my actions, systems, blockages, all that what keeps me away from living. Sometimes it irritates me, sometimes I am ok with my stalling. I’m going fast enough as it is. Purgatory does have a function. The path is the destination even though it sometimes looks like this:

Well, if that is what it is, that is what it is.

Post Scriptum: Looked up the person in the mandala online. Wiki says: She is an Anuttarayoga Tantra iṣṭadevatā and her practice includes methods for preventing ordinary death, intermediate state (bardo) and rebirth (by transforming them into paths to enlightenment), and for transforming all mundane daily experiences into higher spiritual paths^.

Preventing ordinary death by quitting drinking – check!

In bardo – check! It’s funny that I write about purgatory which well, could be seen as the Christian name for bardo in the one post with the mandala that I know shit about. The Universe is amazing now I quit drinking :-).

Transforming mundane experiences into higher spiritual paths – check! The path is the destination. All what comes is what should be.

How is addiction present in my life?

Before watching: the Facebook pages are nice photo’s with inspiring texts and the comments say things like ‘you are so wonderful’, ‘you are so inspirational’ and ‘this is so deep’ etcetera. And then it continuous with a real lousy life. Exactly like I feel today. Trying  to get my life in order and it is not working! AND IT SHOULD WORK TODAY! NOW! 🙂

What happened? I promised the addiction counsellor that I would pick up The Plan again AND do a big part of my admin AND do 1 application and 1 contact for a possible assignment. I am doing it but also getting frustrated with myself. And then somebody through Facebook sends me this vid out of nowhere. Watch and laugh, or cry. Not sure yet… It is a beautifuly, insightful video / sarcastic piece of shit. Not sure either. 🙂

Happy that I quit. If only because otherwise I would still be drinking and have to carry bottles out.

PS: The man being dressed as a women is not an addition to the story (or maybe it is). It is just the format of the series.

From standing still to rollercoast

And another one of those posts where I feel my way into stuff and end up visiting a lot of places. Not specifically a nice read before breakfast. Sadness and anger ahead.

Standing still today. Guess I am still hiding from the unfinished admin. That’s when the hiding comes back.

Hiding looks like being on the internet all day, getting cold feet because I don’t take care to put my socks on, messy kitchen, bad eating habits, longing for connections but disliking direct contact with people. Not wanting to think about what I need to do is one of them. Not wanting to feel. Actually, it is all the things I did before but without the booze.

Am I happy that I quit? Yeah, happy that I quit. Do I think it is a little boring not to be either high on emotions or very low? Yes. Is that useful? No. Does that make me want to take risks I should not. Yes. Thinking of calling the elderly blond god tomorrow. That in itself is ok, but the reason to call him is not. It should be because I would like us to be in contact. But I notice that my intention is trying to find salvation through hooking up. Not good.

And I’ve got this beautiful book by Veronica Valli and I am not reading it. I want things to be simple. But when they are I get bored. How many times have I written variations on this theme? Stress addiction. Or addicted to intensity.

I SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE 1 MAJOR INSIGHT A DAY!!! OTHERWISE THIS WHOLE QUITTING BUSINESS IS USELESS! MIGHT AS WELL DRINK, DID NOT HAVE INSIGHTS THEN EITHER!!.

Hmmm. I am angry. Hence the strange stillness inside. I feel like I am not moving on. Not getting the reward ‘I am entitled to’. Still a reward issue. I need to look that up. And then I don’t. And NO, I don’t want to go down a road of berating myself. Been there, done that, does not work. So. Why have I not looked stuff up. Because I don’t want to organise myself because that takes skills that I fear I don’t have and then I will feel bad. If I don’t try I can always stay in the illusion that I actually can do things. There is freedom in not doing stuff, all exits are still open.

Feeling further: I am scared to be defined, to get shape. Ever since I got shape I got in serious trouble. Groping hands and men trying to define me, trying to tell me how to be, not only my father, loads of them. Even in the Western world there is this idea that women are not supposed to be free. Subservient, that is the idea. That is how we grow up. That is why my father forced my mother into sex, day in day out. God this makes me angry. And scared. And sad. Don’t know how to deal, want to get away from it. It doesn’t feel nice. Don’t need nice, normal would do. I keep on trying to think that I don’t have to fight their fights but it all gets mixed up. Well, I’ve got my own share to fix.

My emotional responses are still based on things that happened long time ago. Well, doesn’t feel that way, it feels like yesterday. I am scared to be defined, to get shape. When I get shape I will be seen. When I get seen I will be harassed, raped or beaten. And there is nobody that helps and no place for comfort. Powerlessness and loneliness. I guess I feel that the environment l live in has not changed. I have not changed. My expectations have not changed.

The addict thinks he/she can control his/her world. I certainly know that I have the need to control my world if this is my experience and expectation of it. Would that be addictive thinking? Aah. Fuck it! Off to bed. The endlessness of trouble, this thread of continuous missery, la condition humaine, it is overwhelming sometimes.

Do not worry about what is not here now. That would be a good one. That is clarity too. Getting rid of the fog. Would that work? ‘Do not pay attention to your traumas because the situation is not here.’ Nope. That’s the thing with traumas, they keep repeating itself in every situation until I deal.

But how can I fight the world?!

You don’t have to fight the world because the world is not here. In fact, you can, say do your admin without ever seeing anybody. If that is what you like.

I don’t like nothing of this. I’m off to bed.

I just want things to be over

This is how I started of this evening: there is not way I can put this into a story and try to hide my ignorance or stupidity or whatever. So here it is: can anybody tell me why alcohol dependency is not like smoking?

I smoked, I quit, I never looked back.

I drank, I quit, and what now?

I want stuff to be over, I don’t want to be going through life every day struggling with myself. I am tired. I want things to be over. I don’t even ‘want it all’ anymore, just a little. But now. I just want to be, I don’t know? Normal! Not feel this shitload of shit.

I want to be normal. Not all over the place and difficult, oeeeeh, difficult. And I had written a whole lot of normal things but here I have done some editing on what my sad idea of normal looks like today. The nicest thing was: I just want to be able to have a meaningless relation too, bicker and fight and keep each other down and put blame on the other and think that that’s it fo the rest of the time. Blablabla – edit, edit, edit. Pfffff. I know it is not nice and it might even be hurtful. But it is what I am going through and I want this to be an honest document, including the very nasty parts of me. I feel like I can not and do not want to carry the responsibility to be nice about this and do justice to people. And I can say sorry, but there is nothing to base that on. This is where I show addict behaviour in my own eyes. 😦 Please love me while I know I am unlovable.

I thought it was impossible to stop drinking, that’s what kept me so long. With the same conviction I thought that relations are meant to be bad and hurtful. Well, Feeling, whether you think you can’t or you think you can, you are right. And…. moving from depression over to omnipotence. How convenient.

My neighbours have 3 kids, the eldest is 11, he beats his younger sisters to pulp. The parents don’t do anything about it. And here I am feeling miserable about it. Why not them? Why am I scared to start a relationship, scared to get stuck, scared to be at the receiving end of somebodies viciousness or carelessness again. Eh, well, there is your answer… But why don’t other people mind? They say that people with certain dependencies look each other up naturally. I have that with people with bad relationships. Some people say I am too critical, those that do have or had shitty relations with loads of contempt for each other and me. I don’t want to be in a relation with contempt.  I have lived in the clouds of contempt of my parents. There was no escaping it, and no way, just no way I can every go back there. And I realise now that I expect relations to be like that. Have lived in that expectation all my life.

Feeling sorry for myself for the wrong reasons I guess. I don’t know. I’m just so emotional today. I am tired of having to keep my guard up. Of, I don’t know, not of being sober, being sober is good. But I am tired of the work I am doing for it and the things I feel I need to let go.

And I don’t feel I have the right to be tired or sad. I saw this homeless man this morning, he was pushing hit empty shopping car, bewildered, he was loosing it, he had lost it. It was pouring down. He was soaking wet. Until that moment I was happily singing ‘morning has broken’ on my bike, getting all wet, not caring because I had a warm home and a cat to turn back to. I have been reading The Realm of the Hungry Ghost by Gabor Maté and he gives an insight in the world of seriously addicted, homeless people. Normally I would not look at a homeless person unless they are selling the homeless paper. Today I felt so, so spoiled and so sorry for the man. And so lost, very much lost.

What is wrong with this society that the village idiot has become a homeless addict? Homeless addicts, multiple. Where children grow up watching more television than hours they go to school? Where ketchup is considered to be a vegetable serving. Ebola vaccines contain RFID chips. Where am I supposed to live? To go, to feel safe and sane? Good that it was pouring down so no need to feel awkward about the tears.

How come I feel I have to do everything myself? Ooh, well, I know! I do! But why?! Why don’t I trust people. Why can’t I just for once lean on somebody? Somebody else than a professional that is?

So what happened? Why am I lashing out again, blaming the world? I had hoped that was behind me. Life happened. I went to the sauna yesterday. Low and behold I met up with this blond version of Tarzan, he’s about 50 so he’s not a young blond god, he is an elderly blond god, so to say, with a beautiful natural body and good posture that said ‘joy, happiness, being at ease’. And no, the sauna is NOT a pick up place, well, gay sauna’s are, but this is a normal wellness centre, nothing funny about it. And I just happen to speak with people everywhere I go, male and female. I only mention the conversations that are exceptional.

This conversation lasted a long, and because it is a sauna the godlyness of somebody is rather out in the open. But that does not change much for me because due to my profession I can see through clothing anyhow. And if you and I are ever to meet: don’t worry about that because if you can see through everything, everything becomes very boring and uninteresting. Not to insult you upfront, but just. Pffff, complicated. Can of worms.

Well, no matter the godlyness, he was a really nice guy. We spoke 1 and a half hour and he seemed very much in contact with his emotions – without the disclaimer’ for a guy’- and was relaxed and intelligent. I am not asking for more, he could have been goddamn ugly for all I care. That would have even suited me better because I am and that would feel to be more of a match.

So what happened? We spoke and we spoke. And now there’s a thing that is a bit funny in the sauna, because we were both naked, there is not really another place to look than in each others face and eyes. And in order to do that you (I, everybody) really need to turn off anything else but genuine interest in the person and the conversation. Unless I want to be impolite and stare a the grass or the shrubs, or worst….. Which is very, very NOT DONE. Making moves in the sauna is also very, very NOT DONE. Yeah, cloths are easier, but being naked does make people more vulnerable and there is a good thing in that too.  FYI: all the relationship interest that got into this story has been added later. It is only after I left I felt that we had gotten connected.

We had been in a special sauna ritual together and the second one was coming up 1,5 hours after we started talking. He was thinking I would be in there as well. But I remembered that things were not that easy in early sobriety so I parted saying that I was ‘not feeling like it’. Which is stupid! What’s wrong with ‘I need to eat.’? He was a little confused and took a second to re-adjust and I noticed what I had just broken and wanted to hold on. But I did not, I got scared. Suddenly I realised that his reaction was more than I could handle right now and we parted. He said;  ‘I’ll see you after?’ And I said yes and walked off.

I went, got something to eat in the restaurant and noticed how my centering was totally off. Not sure what but it felt like my centre was trying to get out to be with him. There was this immense force pulling at my heart that was trying to break out of its cave to fly out, be together. And I did not. Because I was all out of whack from this meeting alone. And I thought: Now there is something I can not handle. Not now, possibly not ever.

I did go back later, 1,5 hours later to do the 3rd sauna ritual but he was not there.

The movie 28 Days says: take at least 2 years of sobriety before you start getting involved or even fall in love. First have a plant, if the plant lives, have a pet, if the pet lives, you might want to try finding a partner. I now know why.

I know his first name. I know where he works. He knows the same about me. And I am confused. I think I did the right thing but it is exactly what I do not want to give up.

So I threw an I-Tjing oracle and it is exactly the same as last 2 times I considered it. Which is a chance of 1 in about 260.000. It still says that I have accomplished something big, and am on the good road. Then it continuous on the circle of life. Life starts every day again, anew. The big thing I did is good, but it is just another step. The extra tip this time, in the question ‘Should I contact him?’ is: don’t speed, show restraint because that will give you time to develop the strength you need.

And I guess that is indeed true. Don’t want to fly in head (and heart) first like I always do. Learn to stay centered in contact is a  GOOD THING. And much needed. Pfffff.

And so another day ended. I did do other stuff than moan about life. I spend 2 hours on repairing an item for my elderly neighbour that had been cat-sitting last week when I was out. And I went to see GP3.

I learned that all that is bad, just is. As all that is good, just is. That I still carry the hurt of my parents marriage around and do not believe things can be different. That I have probably relived their relation myself in order to fix it. That I do not want to go there anymore but that means that I need to change my views and expectations. Expectations are sort of a recipe for life. I need to let go of the hurt, look it in the eye and the hurt says: you needed me to be pissed at guys, to despise them, so you do not have to feel your fear and you do not have to mend your broken heart. And my heart starts crying and says ‘But I am broken, how can I heal?’ and the answer is ‘Just heal, you have it in you. You have quit.  That is amongst others just a thing that needed to be done. You saw it could be done. That is how you can heal. Just, just heal. Have faith’. And my heart wants to be healed, and function like a real heart with courage and love and happiness and in sync with the world. So it does heal, right here, right now we start to heal. And so it is written. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that I can hear my internal voice again. I just want to tell you all that this is because I stopped drinking. Isn’t that cool? Today I have changed a view I never even knew that was a view, I thought it was the truth. Sobriety is good.

I have alcohol dependency, works out that I have ‘human’ too.

I was just happily commenting along a post of Alcoholicsguidetoalcoholism when Paul commented: ‘We are all perfectly imperfect, it’s called ‘being human’.

 ‘Shit!! Do I have that?’

That is indeed what I thought. I felt caught, trying to find a way out, looking for arguments. Did not exactly work, or it did. This is another one of those posts where I let the crazy out. See what it does. It eh, does its crazy stuff allright.

I always thought (think?) I could just, just scrape by and not be human. Being human? That is ok in itself. For others. Being fallible? I sympathise with you. Really, I do. 🙂

How did that get there? And if I am not human, what am I? Trying to feel my way into this subject. And no, I am not crazy. Or maybe I can not judge that myself. Just trying to find out how it can be that I do not accept the humanity part (no… not part….). And the road to accepting that seems to be closed so I’ll beat around the bush a little, see what comes up.

Lacking female examples I think I am Thorgal. This is Thorgal:

This is Thorgal too:

How he got into this world:

He has a wiki page:

Thorgal Aegirsson: Son of Varth and Haynee, grandson of Xargos -captain of a spaceship on a way to Earth in search of energy sources. Raised by Vikings (after the spaceship crashed on Earth) but not one of them, he shows traits of character and morality that many Vikings consider those of a weak man. In reality, if need be, he is a courageous and skillful warrior and an exceptionally skilled archer. His life’s goal is to find a place for himself and his family to live in peace. For a time they strip him of his memory, and he becomes the pirate lord Shaigan, though his compassionate personality remained unchanged.

What comes up?

‘If I am human I AM A SUPERHUMAN!!! I MUST be very different from everybody else. Sure I wasn’t born. I was a revelation!’

Yesterday I was feeling cocky, now I am omnipotent. 🙂 Tomorrow I am a god, no, not a god, tomorrow I am a God. Note the capital. And note that I am a God, that is funny. Why not God? Or the God? There are bounderies to my omnipotence. 😀 Funny.

If somebody else was saying this I would get really angry.

‘WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!!’

But still, I would not get past that because I would be angry because I would think the other would try to outdo me in being special. So it is dangerous not to be special. And the other is not allowed to out-special me. Need to stay with that. Going to let the crazy do the talking:

‘Don’t you dare be more special than I! Don’t you dare get out of this misery while we are still here! Don’t you dare to qualify for the love that I do not receive!!!’ Crying now.

‘Not enough love to go around. Lacking. Lacking, lacking something. Don’t know. I can’t be lacking love. I don’t need that. Stuff the security talk, there is no such thing! Piss off!! Get lost!!!! ‘ Crying now.

Today I want to feel special, not even normal. Just special.

‘Being special keeps me away from the groping hands. If I were special guys would not grope. They would worship and fear me.’

‘If I am human I could die. Shiiiiiiit.’

Those wer random thoughts popping up when I question myself. Nasty shit. I think I’ve had enough for today, no solution there yet, just information.

‘Ha! ‘Solution’, such a human word.’

Why don’t I allow myself to be human?

‘Where it is human it is alive, where it is alive it can die.’

Change of feelings: I am trying now to feel human and accept I can live and die. Yeah. 🙂 🙂 🙂 There it is…. I have plunged into my body! 🙂 🙂 🙂 That is NEW. My heart is happy, literally! It sings! 🙂 It is all connecting in my upper body and my head is with it. And lower body.

‘If it is sacred it can be demolished. Wear the taboo on your sleeve, it will scare people away.’

That last part is on promiscuous behaviour. And so much for the crazy of today. With unexpected ‘solution’. 🙂

Happy that I quit. It is, aaahr, quite invigorating. Here I was, thinking sobriety would be boring.

Still reading

Today I’ve spent reading and checking out running techniques on YouTube. Loooooove YouTube. So much info ready at hand. Fan of my laptop clogged up with dust? YouTube tells me how to unscrew everything and fix it. Want to know how to cook something? YouTube. Want to know about nutrients? YouTube. And you can also find loads of video’s there stating that drinking alcohol is not at all bad. 😦

I am still with the book Addictive Thinking. After my first clash with the book I continued when I thought my mind was open again. And I am almost finished but up to now I find it a little disappointing. It is more of a list of aspects of addictive thinking, a useful list, yes, but I was hoping for more Aha Erlebnis / Aha effect. And of course I am hoping for extra special effects because I want things to be fantastic and normal is not good enough – which is of course listed as being an aspect of addictive thinking. 🙂

What I appreciate, and what makes me breathe a little easier (did I say I had this open mind?) is where he says: people who practise addictive thinking do not know that they do and it is of no use to pressure them into admitting things. That will only make them strengthen their walls. I agree with that from my own experience. I think GP1 saved me by saying: ‘Whatever you want and when you want it.’ That gave me the  possibility to drop my walls at that moment.

My plan for the on-coming week is to follow The Plan in detail, to be exact and concise about it. No lingering, no ‘I’ll do that tonight.’ Order memory repair nutrients and thyroid and bile nutrients. And that’s it. I am trying to stop thinking that repair needs to come from the outside – very addicty conviction. Nutrients are good, but how can I insist on these if all my blood tests come out ok? I am trying to let go, but it is difficult because I also thought I have saved my health all these years by taking supplements. I don’t know. I’m not going to risk my sobriety over a few vitamin B-complex and Omega 3 pills but maybe I don’t need the full 2000 Euro deal ;-). Don’t have the money for that anyhow.

I also want to get back to loosing weight because due to the 4 meals a day to get my blood sugar level stable I have gained a kilo. Halfway through the week I’ll be going on a little trip with a friend, biking and walking in the homeland. Actually fearing a lack of private time. Should manage that.

All in all a boringly normal Sunday. 🙂 Happy that I quit. Through the blogosphere I was made aware of this article that says it all on being happy that I quit. She says; don’t give up drinking. And I agree. Be happy that you quit! I am happy that I quit. Slowly becoming aware that there still is a shitload of work to be done. But not now. Now it is autumn salad time: raw beet, carrot, apple, orange, celery, loads of parsley, chopped walnuts and grated fresh ginger. 🙂