On hippo’s

A few days ago I got this 1 inch, 0,80 Euro hippo because I just could not let it go. I felt related. Loads of things happened from there.  But first: what is this hippo telling you? Is it laughing? Is it belching? Crying? Is it making noise to scare something or somebody away? Is it calling someone? Her kid maybe? Is it ridiculing someone? Do you see joy? Fear? Love? Anger? Aggression? Is it just opening its mouth to catch a bunch of lettuce?

Yeah, well, the funny things of this tiny animal that it has been doing all these things in a few hours while standing on the foot of my screen. I guess, by now, I know how far and wide projecting goes. Falling in love = casting a cloud of hope, dreams and projections over a person. Falling out of love is seeing the hippo.

There was even  more to learn from it. What about this stream of internal thoughts:

‘Yeah, no wonder you feel related; it’s fat.’

‘No wonder you feel related: it’s aggressive.’

‘No wonder you feel related: it’s got sensitive skin. Ooooooooh, sensitive skin…..’

‘Look it’s laughing at you, making fun of you.’

‘Yes, why wouldn’t you choose a totem animal that kills most humans world wide?’

I did read up on the totem stuff for the hippo. A few things there. But I’m guessing that is not the learning I am doing here. I feel very much not ready for the world outside but maybe, maybe, maybe it would be very good to have a bigger world outside to take my mind of things. Just a suggestion.

I am happy that I quit, it has been a bit of a difficult day for me because I notice that any tiny bit of trouble makes me doubt my sobriety and immediately fall back into serious addictive thinking of which the ‘I want this to go away now’ is pretty destructive. But I guess I learned by now that I can write a blog post, think things true during writing, come up with something that makes life doable at the end. And if not, it’s not the end. Whatever it takes is what it takes. Maybe I’ll get the egg-timer to do it’s work tomorrow, just to check on me. Aah, fuck the happy. I’m tired. And it scares me that I can say fuck the happy but maybe, I should just go to bed. Last night I slept all night. That would be the 3rd or 4th time in 5 months sober.

I want: pffff, I want it all. Ofcourse I want it all and I want it now. Addictive thinking. 😦

I need: to go to bed. The day has been worrysome enough. It’s about 23:30 here. And I need to improve my sleeping because noting this down that it is the 3rd or 4th time that I slept all night is amazing. I knew but it was never in the front of my mind. I guess these things pop up like what is the most urgent.

I take: hmmm, nothing today. Funny. So I am unhappy and immediately the care level drops. Interesting. Tsssss. Huh… Informative. And scary. And happy that I have this list with the happy, want, need check points. It is informative. Pfff, bedtime. Walked 8km today and stood talking for 2 hours with another store man (don’t worry, he’s 73 😉 )

Why falling in love is not a good idea

Since Mr Store man has informed me of being in a relation I am restless and for the first time in 5 months I hate being sober. Now when I read back after having written the rest of the post I realise that I do not hate being sober, I hate feeling pain where it really hurts. I am truly experiencing that wanting to start a relation now is NOT A GOOD IDEA. Well that is apart from the fact where he is taken and into pot more than I had hoped. I get thrown all over the place by my emotions. Fucking irritating. I am back in this I WANT IT TO GO AWAY mode that I know from drinking. Blggghhhh. And for the first time in my 5 months sober history I am regretting that I quit drinking. (That was my first reaction – I don’t feel that now after writing this post) I feel a shitload of apprehension to be writing about this. But I guess I need to sort out my feelings around it or things are not going right.

Notice: apprehension, looming danger, I want it to go away now – the quick solution. Addictive thinking is taking over. I feel apprehension to think about this because it is very uncomfortable there where I need to go and I feel loss and pain. And I feel ridiculous. Ridiculous for being so stupid as to think that somebody that nice could be out there waiting for me. A store man! Another alien when it comes to feeling things that most people won’t notice. Isn’t that the dream come true for the one blogger that does everything by the book. 😉

The not so funny thing is, in these dreams I just ‘forget’ about him using pot. The day after the last long visit a friend and I stopped at his store to drop of a leaflet. Walking into that store with somebody from my daily life made me realise IMMEDIATELY that the store man has this fog around his head. I had forgotten about that. I had seen it the first moment I saw him but obviously something in his appearance had attracted more attention.

So there are all kinds of mechanisms going on here. I thought I was pretty safe from falling in love because I did not immediately feel physically attracted to him which is my normal route. So I thought I would be charmed but not fall in love. Until he said he had a girlfriend and I suddenly did feel like I lost. Isn’t that strange. Not only the moment, but that could just be a moment of confrontation. But the feeling that I lost. Not the feeling that I lost a person, not the feeling that what we had up to that moment would have been out of reach because it is not, not the feeling of loosing a love but the feeling of having lost in this world again. Having lost what is good and enlightens me, brings me life. And then there is that word ‘again’ that already surprised me in a former blogpost.

I feel like I’m part of this tribe and everybody has got their own fire with people around them and their own families and I don’t. I don’t feel unwelcome at the other fires and I am happy with my own fire even though, now I look at it is not burning proud but smoldering with an occasional flame while I look around me feeling sad for what I am missing out of. While on the other hand I can not stand the giving in part that I would need to do to be able to last longer at a fire like that for 3 days. Relations for me equal a prison, the tying up and the torture starts slowly and mostly unseen but will definitely come. And with every man I in my life I thought it was different this time.

Sstore man said out of the blue one day: ‘Because you think in duality you will meet men who live in duality. Only when you yourself change the world around you will change.’

He doesn’t speak a lot of judgements because he mentioned something like ‘focussing positive energy on something is a better idea’. I do get the concept but I do not fully live in that (yet?) Not when things get unclear or I get emotional :-D. What he meant to say is that I have a very black and white view of male-female relations where the man is evil and takes the woman is angelic and has to give. And that it is no wonder that I keep meeting people that live in that same thought if I keep on living in that same thought. My therapist (hi!) has warned me for that too, in other words. And I have experienced it myself that when I get more positive in general I meet nicer people like the sauna man I wrote about. And the three guys at the party that enjoyed ‘stepping down’ from their career in order to spend more time with their kids and give their wife the opportunity to fly. So I am guessing it is true. And while I am writing this message appears on my facebook wall from the store man. Not specifically for me I am guessing.

“If there are whole parts of yourself that you are always running from, that you even feel justified in running from, then you’re going to run from anything that brings you into contact with your feelings of insecurity. And have you noticed how often these parts of ourselves get touched? The closer you get to a situation or a person, the more these feelings arise. Often when you’re in a relationship it starts off great, but when it gets intimate and begins to bring out your neurosis, you just want to get out of there. So I’m here to tell you that the path to peace is right there, when you want to get away.”

Figured that one out before when it was about getting sober: the growth is where the funny  things are. So this. And here. Where it hurts.

And it suddenly pops I guess that is what I misunderstood: the difference between universal and personal love. Or I am being played with tremendously here and all these Facebook messages on subjects we spoke about are not for me. That would be another fear. 🙂

I need to go out now the weather is still fine, and having written this down I now feel good enough to be able to go out. This subject is not finished yet but I want to push the publish button – somehow that helps getting things of my chest. So there are still a few pieces of unruly text:

UNSORTED PARAGRAPHS

I have an issue with men. Did I tell you that if I list the names of my last three persons of interest in a row you get: liver quick damage. That is the funny thing in The Netherlands, people have strange names. I guess the universe is leaving a message…. Pffff, how could I not see before? Just not sure how to read it. Don’t want to accept the not now sign in it. 😀 But I’m guessing unless I do I will be finding trouble.

On loss and pain: I feel ridiculous. Also because I had strung up hopes on being offered and entry to a job this week which did not happen, well sort of did but at that time I found out that the person that did that had not paid a bill of mine that he said he did. So how is that for trust?

I don’t want to twist and turn to hold on to things and people – and then when I get close I suddenly feel like something good is passing me by and I want to hold on so badly that I squeeze it to death. Funny thing is, when he was a store man with whom beautiful conversations took place – everything was ok. I could see that he smoked pot, leave it with him and continue my life. Now he uses the G word (girlfriend) I feel like I lose :-(. And then I put having and holding into the mix and everything turned upside down.

Today I’ll stick to this one:

Thank you for reading. I am guessing the work has started for me too.

Happy-ish that I quit. I want life to be simple. Guess I should go do stuff that I like then and not worry or wallow in hurt but work out where the learning is.

I want: the store man to call me that he will be quitting his pot and leaving his girlfriend and he will adore me for the rest of my life and we will live happily ever after.

I need: to get a grip. Pffffff, suffocating dreams. I don’t even like people who adore. Not sure how to get a grip yet but I’ll work it out. Not now, now I want to walk, do stuff.

What are we doing to our children?

Found this site with free non-mainstream movies and documentaries. It has a few on addiction like this one. Not going to watch those, I’m going for the movies on healing now. Need to.

Last night Brad Clark from ‘The story of my life‘, age 20, indicated that he wrote is last post after being about 2 months clean. Days earlier he said goodbye to his family and friend and went back to use crack. Not sure if he has ‘just’ stopped blogging or gave it all up. Brad, if you are out there, please let me know.

What are we doing to our children? Feeling frustration, anger, despair, powerless. Sad, so sad.

And from there on: I need to sort my own life out otherwise I end up on the streets just as Brad. Sobriety is not a game.

I want: this world to be a different, better place with less pain. What are we doing to our children? What are we doing to ourselves?

I need: to sort my own stuff out. That’s it. That’s all I can do. And it is enough for a lifetime which frustrates me. But I guess I am learning to mind my own business, literally. Finding my own shape within my own smaller boundaries instead of being unclear in a way bigger area – if that makes sense. It feels like that is part of the path now.

I am happy that I quit. Thankful for my mother who warned me at a very early age NEVER to start drinking liquor. Thankful to myself for taking that advice. Brad was fed methadone by his father so he would shut up. He was 10 years old. And, well, apart from some legal issues: is this not exactly what we do to ourselves when we drink or use?

Gonna leave it at this. Need to do stuff. Take care of me.

Having trouble reading blogs

I have come to a point that I have trouble reading blogs, specifically the ones that are about feeling bad because people drank. I keep on trying to read them because, I mean, what are we here for if we only want the good news? But I can’t anymore. Not feeling very proud of my self but I just can’t. It makes me so sad. It also feels like that lesson has been learned (knock wood) and that I need to move on, need to spend time in the presence of that what I can’t do yet. Like organise myself. Not keep my head in the worry for others and myself.

My actions to stop my back pain and kidneys works during the night. Now I have a back pain that is twice as bad during the day and my tennis elbow is hurting badly. Ghegheghe, well, it is moving :-D.  Blood pressure felt sky high yesterday but dropped after drinking a liter of luke warm water mixed wit the juice of 1 orange and 1 lemon. So my blood pressure could be dehydration related. Let’s pay attention to that. Would be strange with drinking 3-4 liters of herb tea a day. Water seems to be hydrating more than tea. Strange, strange.

I got a horrible I-Tjing message in 3 lines last night indicating ‘hurt in the sacrum’ (check), holding the hips still  – that is what I do to not have back pain (check) and ‘poisoning the heart if I force it’. Come to read it I thought it was about my physical heart and now (of course?) I hope it is about my emotional heart. Not restrict my interest for the store man. Ghegheghe… twisting and turning, scratching and crawling. Or just choosing what is good for me. Don’t know. We shall see.

I have been worrying about admin and fearing being broke. If I take of the worry I might as well start doing stuff. And now of course I hope it is the same for the store man. We shall see.

I want: everything to be simple

I need: to realise that everything being simple is not to happen and that it is starting point for disaster. Or I need to realise that my worry makes everything sad and impossible. Don’t know. I am going to take this FUCKING FRUSTRATING OPPORTUNITY to meditate on both options. I am happy AND FUCKING FRUSTRATED that I have come to a point where I can see that there are options. And I need sleep. I slept very well last night but I am guessing the tiredness is coming out now.

I am happy that I quit. I guess I am becoming tired of the work or realising that the work still continuous and now time is forcing me to act in areas I don’t want to go. Like VAT tax 2014. We shall see.

Hope you have a nice day. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Boring post on moving computer, backpain and standing.

I have been (not) dealing with lower back pain combined with pain in the left kidney area. I wondered / I guess it has to do with being seated to much and underdeveloped abs. On top of that I keep on running into this message that being seated all day kills you sooner than being obese. So I moved my computer to my standing table. And now I stand and type. Ha! I don’t think it will take long until it makes me decide to go do something useful with my life :-). And my posts will get shorter :-D.

The cat does not like it. She is always worried when I do something drastic. She sits in the corner looking at me and accusing me of doing things other than I always do. 🙂

What I wanted to note down for my blog is the following experience. When standing on two feet I get the impression that my left leg is way shorter than my right. I noticed this before, at age 30 something but now it comes back. Actually since I got sober I get this feeling so now and then. It feels really uncomfortable. Also, when I place my feet together more, at a 25 cm distance I start to feel really uncomfortable because it stretches some muscles or ligaments that are stiff. Yes, I have not been doing a lot of physical stuff over the last 3 years. For those of you that do yoga and can place their feet together for the sun salutation: that is almost impossible with my full inner thighs. I need to lift my tailbone in order to make room for everything, arching my back.* Now standing with a 0,5cm high book underneath my left leg. That seems to balance it out.

So when consciously standing behind the table I noticed the supposed difference in leg length and put a 1,5cm book (what else?) under my left foot and tried to stand straight up (tummy in, tailbone under). This caused disorientation, panick and heavy breathing and a shitload of tension in my loins and in. Strange. Guess there are some blocks there. Well, standing here and doing what I normally do, but standing, will give me plenty of opportunity to look into that.

And by now I am starting to think I am overly cautious with my life. A bit of a sissy. It bugs me. And it feels like I am not moving forward but that is not so. Every day I learn shitloads. But maybe I am not learning what I should be learning. No, that is not true. By now there is something developing as a sense for movement. A want to move. A natural want to move and move on. Travel to other pastures. That is good. Hmmm, here I guess it would have helped me when I would have been in a group therapy with others. So I could pull myself up by the speed of others. I noticed that I learn best from being around people that do and radiate what I need. So I need to be around working people more. Catch the vibe. Playfully moving into another mode, as life does and I guess is supposed to do. I feel apprehension. Not going to look at that.

I looked up learning to walk on YouTube. Love this vid. Love the place they made for the kid. DISLIKE the awful toys they have given him. I call it toys that will come to stimulate the addict in the child. Bright colours, funny noises when you push buttons – it is like tv, it gives temporary joy. It has nothing to do with developing skills and real experience or the natural exploration of the territory. I can ramble on about that for hours. Not going to. 🙂

Note on the kidneys: I woke up last night being absolutely thirsty and drank 3 glasses of water. Kidney pain was only minimal – so I do need to get more water in me. Maybe water really is something different from herb tea. Sigh, another one of those signs that I should go back to basic in my diet. Don’t want that. 😦 Can’t handle, giving up booze was a good thing but the energy of ‘quitting’ is depleted for a while now. I’ve put it all in quitting. So if I want to quit doing more I need to restock on quitting vibes. Not sure how to do that. I am guessing my body will force me like it does with my kidneys. Damn thing about learning experiences: can’t choose only the nice ones. Pffff, and I know that in the end working through the nasty ones will pay off in extra happiness but JEEEEEEZ! Is there no end to this? With the answer: Don’t wish too hard, it might come true. And ‘Live without growth is death.’ Not ready for that yet.

*Note to self: This explains a lot about the way elderly overweight women in my hometown walk; like a duck, chest forward, back arched, buttocks out, heavy thighs, looking like a warhorse, feet pointing outward. I am guessing I have become one of them.

See, shorter post :-D.

Prison of fear or desert of not knowing

There is this prison of fear, a cage and it surrounds me and it says ‘you can never drink again!’ and it frightens me. And then, when I change my perspective and say: ‘Pfffff, lucky me, I don’t ever have to drink again!’ all the fear is gone at once.

Secondly: what is left is a white sort of desert of nothingness and I don’t know what the heck to do with my life. As Icemen18 said yesterday: ‘I had a sober problem called life.‘ I have that. Well, not as negative as it could be perceived by that statement (and Iceman18 rewrote it to a statement that is easier to understand correctly) but I’ll go with the ‘problem called life’ because that for me has the directness to it that explains to me very well where the issue lies.

I have a problem and it is called life. My solution was to drown me in alcohol, so life did not hurt. Now I do not drown myself anymore I need to look for ways of dealing with life. Don’t get me wrong, not interested in jumping of a high building here. Unfortunately I don’t believe that its easier being dead either. I sat at my mothers deathbed and I had a little peek around the corner of life; (no) need to worry, it continues.

So yes, I feel pressured in the need to deal with my shit, just in order to literally not come back as a pollen of grass in, say an English garden: getting cut off and cut off and cut off over and over again.

And all of that is of no importance because my life is here and it is not there where I am not. So……..

I’ll tell you: I don’t know. Have no clue. So today I spent not knowing. And then when I finally got comfortable with that the voice said: you just need to write. So the rest of my bath time I wondered: is that one of the addict bingo words or if I should truly do that?

My ayahuasca spirit once said: ‘Life was never meant to be a burden. You need to understand that.’ But I don’t. Not yet. Not how I live right now. I feel I keep myself in a prison of fear because that is more comfortable than letting go.

I’m at a loss here (yes, yes, I know, AA, higher power… but those are exactly the buttons that have been pushed too much in a very wrong way.)  By now I feel I have become a perfect example of an addict struggling with life.

These (random) cuties tell it very well:

Well, what did they say about addiction? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Yes. Check! That would be me. Time to learn something, somewhere, somehow.