Contract negotiations coming up

Tomorrow my boss and I will sit down to discuss my contract. I have been all over the place since the audit only to come back to earth since this morning. I slept in, came to work at 10:00 which is 3 hours later than normal, spend 3 hours on doing the SWOT analyses on the company and reworked my function. It is only when I came to ‘what actually makes me happy’ that I landed back on earth since the audit. The audit was a tremendous accomplishment but it gives me little joy because again and again I seem to find out that I can do amazing things: tet to know the people and the workings of a new company in no time, learn a 4 cm file of audit procedures, apply them succesfully in half of the time it takes other companies. And then? I am still the same lonely person in that tiny boat on the ocean weathering a storm. Last night even the ocean, the sky and the boat dropped away and I found myself floating freely through the universe, nothing and nobody within reach.

I realised that the only thing what made me happy was the work some collegues and I did together; good, harmonious, productive, result oriented game changing work.
So I changed my job description for myself: I am not doing the work I am doing anymore, I will be working towards enabling people to do their job well and enjoy it. And use the procedures behind the whole audit system to get there. Let’s hope my boss agrees. ๐Ÿ˜€

I also did a Strenght – Weaknesses comparison on myself and asked some collegues what they would think I should change in my approach to work / them. I got: loosen up,ย  don’t be such a perfectionist, don’t interfere with my shit, be more to the point, don’t be so hard on yourself. And everybody agreed that what made me so good at my job is also what makes me bad at my job / makes it difficult for me to do it so there’s a twist. Or not, because we found out that it is all about balance. I told them that I hoped that I could find some more balance if I take some time off and work normal hours.

And, bwaahahaaa, obviously that is not going to happen just like that. Ask the addict for balance, ghegheghe… Well I’ld better because I feel that I need to be in this company but shit, it is difficult sometimes because parts of me want to run. Last night I let all the feelings out and ended up reliving the death of my twin brother and how this did not really prepare me for easy living. This sadness which is inbred, difficult. The overwhelming experience of him and I being two and one, the total understanding of everything and then his death. Makes me unable to believe anything can be good, unable to trust good things; they will be ruined, it will be taken away, don’t get attached, it will hurt badly before you can blink twice.

Boss came in and asked me how things were. I told him that I had been boggling things up since the audit but that I had landed again since an hour. He said he noticed, was ok with it, told me that it is ok to continue to boggle things up (literally!) but alert him if I needed help.

I find that I have a strange life.

My bloodpressure is sky high. Has been since I accepted this job but is still high now. I always think that ‘it will change tomorrow’. We all know that tomorrow never happens. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am trying to go back to doing what a woman who loves herself would do but I am too stressed out to make stuff happen. First it was because of the test audit, then it was because of the audit, now it is because of the contract and salary meeting tomorrow. I want a 50% raise. I’ve been looking stuff up on the net and that would be what a starter in this function makes. I am not a starter. Then again, the company is going through a transition. – not sure if I am getting what I think I should earn and I do not want to leave. I do not stay for money, neither do I leave for it. Money is a dissatisfier when it comes to rewards.

I want my job title to change to manager and I want a study budget for books. Funny that a 500 Euro book fund would make me happier than 10 times a 50 euro raise. I want to have 2 – 3 clear projects to work on at the same time, no more. Not the 2595 I did before. And I want a permanent contract and I want my boss to be direct when he speaks to me, I want things to be addressable in general. Let’s see. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Life has been tough lately but it has also brought me the realisation that I: need to learn to ease down and need to learn to control ‘stuff’ – being the emotions running wild. More and more I come to think it has to do with my sugar intake. I wake up normal and then at 16:00 when I start eating chocolate everything falls apart. And you know? I don’t dare to try to live without it. Have we heard this before?

I am happy that I quit drinking. I need to continue quitting destructive behaviour. I start to want things to be easy and I guess this time I mean that for real. Nah, checked, I still don’t. I do not feel alive when there is no stress. Guess there is a point to work on.

Wishing you a good evening / day. Hoping the addict thingies do not bugg you. To me not drinking is not the issue. Living healthy and taking care of me still is although I guess to the world I am making progress in business things. We shall see. Wish me luck and balance for tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

And… sleep is important

So, sleep is good. I woke up to another day and life is just life again. ๐Ÿ™‚

Sigh, I really, really need to learn to put these things in perspective. Well, I am learning. How do other people do that? Guess you have a significant other who sends you to bed? I should have gone to bed yesterday way earlier but adrenaline was still running too high.

I think I can learn that I forget to do what a woman who loves herself does when I am over the top stressed out. And I get over the top stressed out because I do not do what a womand who loves herself would do. One day I’ll read back the posts here and possibly discover a pattern. ๐Ÿ™‚ I think it is somehow related to taking feedback negatively and giving up the right to care for me.

I am HAPPY that I quit. I have not written about that yesterday. That is not good. So here it is: I am happy that I quit. I could never have done what I (we) accomplished without having quit.

And, inbetween the above and this paragraph I called my admin guy. Tax 2016 is not finished yet but delayed so that is ok. If I had not quit drinking I would not have called on the first day I could energetically handle that. It would take me weeks of hiding and feeling stupid and now I just did that. I think I deserve a pair of sneakers. ๐Ÿ™‚

And I would not recover as quickly from this shitload of work as I do now. Sleep a night and there I am again. I did wake up with a fright because it was light and that would mean I am late for work so not totally relaxed here but it is coming. Rang all my housemom friends this morning. Was good to catch up.

So, I am happy that I quit, be it in a sort of obligitary happy way. I do not have the immense gratefulness anymore that I used to have.ย  Do you still have that?

I ordered sneakers because I do not have any anymore. And now trying to order a jeans because by now all my jeans have holes. New one is nice. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a good day / evening!

xx, Feeling

We made it!

Yay! Passed the audit today. And where I was expecting a meagre 75% max score we got an astonishing >95% which means we are Higher Level at the first audit already! That hardly ever happens. Specifically not in this timeframe of the implementation which is half of the standard length :-). I had the idea that the auditor rated integrity, intent and enthusiasms more than whatever system we have put up in the last weeks.

That was the news. The rest is a logging of all the reactions which follow this overwhelming news. Need to log, need to learn, don’t want to.

I worked 10 to 12 hours a day in the last 9 days so I’m having 2 days off now. Dunno how to feel. Actually it very much feels like being at school. Working like crazy, fearing I would never be enough and then passing with flying colours. Same with doing the homework: I would be doing my homework and my boss who has an equally important function in this process keeps on asking me to fix things for him without the auditor seeing it. Gheghe….

‘Tell me! What does that mean; validation and verification?!”
“Well… you can look it up, it is in the book.” (Bwaahahaaahaaa… )
“Nooo! I need to know that right now!”
“Ok, ok!” (Gheghegheghe…. Bwaahahaaaa!)

Nothing has changed since high-school.

So…. 2 days off now. Not sure how to feel. Part of me feels stupid and alone. Everybody goes home to celebrate with somebody and here I am.

Another part is holding on to the past, this story where I once scored a 99% on an important intelligence/school test and my father commented that he had always thought something in me ‘was missing’. Now there is an equally ‘important’ test and most likely a 98% score. Even more is missing.

Just mailed my boss on something really stupid I did totally contrary to what I have been working to complete this last months. His response: must be the 1,5% which is missing…. yeah. I think I have done that part of my life already. I’m on repeat obviously?

Why can’t I just enjoy what I did? Not sure. I came home with a tooth ache because in the last months I have lost 3 (tiny) fillings and I have not found the time and rest to make a dentist appointment. Also I have not opened my tax letters and I fear my tax person has forgotten to request a postponement of the 2016 income tax. Did not dare to call because any bad messages would disrupt me. My house is a mess. My foot is hurting because I scratched the skin surface due to high stress and now it is getting infected. Had to wear sandals with socks to work today – how is that for dealing with an auditor? Also I forgot to take other clothes with me so I was in my bike shirt with sweater and I do not have jeans without holes anymore. Maybe that would have gotten me 99% or even a 100% :-D. For those who do not know yet: Dutch are the worst dressed people in the world.

And now? Dunno. I thought I had a business goal of becoming top score company. Next year. I really do not know. I put everything I had in this and it does not bring me satisfaction because I feel stupid. Because alone. Because, maybe I put too much energy in it. What is in it for me? I feel, disconnected, don’t want to stay anymore. I have gone from all in to all out. Looking at vacancies. Arguing in my head with my boss.

Just logging my reactions to whatever is happening inside. Whoa. Why can I not ‘just’ ‘be happy?’ Aahrg, going into ‘One day I’ll fly away mode’ while I promised myself I would settle here and get some serious salary and work going on before I am 50.

Angry because I got told off over a detail on some stuff again today while others get away with murder.

This whole experience has been very overwhelming and I have lost myself in it in order to have an excuse not to live.ย  A woman who loves herself would not have lost herself in this like this. I feel numb, used, entrapped. I want to get out but don’t know how to take the correct door.

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can’t hide.

Well, I think I should get some sleep. Tired. Guess I need to look at all of this again in the morning. There was this moment where taking care of me was too complicated because the (experienced) requirements of the job conflicted so badly that my reaction was to give up me. Ashamed to say that somehow it felt heroic to do so. And now I came out a winner and I do not feel it.

Can’t go to the sauna, my skin is open on several places on my body. I am fencing myself in from all sides, playing Cinderella.

Don’t know what to do with my life. The need to settle somewhere before I am fifty is getting bigger and bigger by the day. But I do not see myself doing this in this firm, at least not when my mood swings are so extreme. I don’t know. I have this fear my boss and I will clash any moment and big time. And I think I just found out that I don’t give a fuck. The accomplishment of the audit does not bring me anything. It is just work and then I go home and have nothing. Friends congratulate me but, what? What I enjoyed where the sparse moments of working together closely with people who actually wanted to do their work well too. Not many of those around.

I also notice that I am not well embedded in the company. I still think of them as ‘them’. The feeling of ‘us’ still lies with the former firm.

I am off to bed. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed 3 hours ago. It is 2 hours from my normal wake up time from the last weeks.

You know, maybe I just don’t really care about this ‘victory’ because I just don’t care. I care about not letting my boss down. And I am angry because the biggest effing incompetent asses of the company take their fat car and go back to their fat house and I bike on my old bike in my jeans with holes, jacket with a zipper slider missing and I am just plain jealous. Thinking I have the right to be jealous because they are (considered) incompetent (by me). Ooh, and by my boss btw.

Well, there are a lot emotions throwing me about. Time for some meditation. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a nice day/evening.

xx, Feeling

Good advertising

I don’t want to write about what troubles me but I did find another good subject which I hope will interest you. Addiction is not a sexy topic, it is surrounded by shame and this shame is carried by society. Yeah, I guess that is called a taboo. Well, the Dutch government just found a BEAUTIFUL way of getting messages across about smoking while being pregnant. I heard it a few days ago and thought it was brilliant! This is not an exact translation but the radio ad was something like:

Woman: “I am pregnant, so I quit smoking.”
Voice over: “Smoking while pregnant will damage the health of the baby.”
Boy: “My sister is pregnant and she does not smoke.”
Voice becomes part of the conversation: “You can help her by not seducing her.”
Boy: “DUUUDE???!!??!!!! She IS MY SISTER!?!!!”
Voice over: “Do not smoke when she is around so you do not seduce her into smoking.”

I found this funny obviously but also particularly good because the government really made an effort to get the message across in a way which can be heard because it is funny. That takes the taboo away. That makes me hopeful. ๐Ÿ™‚

More information in Dutch, on this website of the Dutch government. And more on the do-not-smoke-while-pregnant campagne.


1 Quit smoking together; if your partner is pregnant and quit smoking, you quit smoking too. That is easier for her.

2 Postpone smoking / do not smoke around pregnant women so you do not seduce them.

3 Smoke out of sight: seeing somebody smoke, makes people smoke, do not seduce a pregnant woman who quit smoking.

4 Do not ask pregnant women who quit smoking to shop for cigarets.

5 Set boundaries: tell others that you will not smoke around pregnant women (so to stimulate them to do the same)

Maybe I should try to pursue a job in a project like this. I am all not for ๐Ÿ˜‰ setting up my own ‘I help you quit service’ because I am not the person for that. I am pretty sure I get irritated with people who do not do as I say. ๐Ÿ˜€ Which is a simple: just don’t drink. That is all there is to quitting. Ha! And then…… ghegheghe… arrrrrrr, life happens. That is where the swearing starts. ๐Ÿ™‚ But a non-personal, more businessy approach would suit me well I think.

Oh, yeah, why am I thinking of this? Because I am so tired of my current job. I feel the heat of the audit which is coming up and ooh my, I am not ready, the company is not ready, the shit is hitting the fan and it, well, just hurts. On top of that a tire from my bike exploded; I had filled it up with cold air, pretty hard, in the morning and then put it out in the sun so it burst. All of my life there has been a comparison between the state of my bike and my personal life so, gheghe, I was not amused. I did something good though: I accepted help when my boss asked me to drop me off somewhere. Secondly I asked my neighbour to change the inner tire, which he did happily. He is sweet. ๐Ÿ™‚ But just to illustrate how my life is running currently: my boss drove me back into town, I mentioned a crossing which he knew too. At some point he decided to take the highway, I tried to protest but did not get my arguments right, had forgotten why I never take that road. I remembered when we drove into this traffic jam. So I offered to get out at an earlier point and walked home. The next day I would take the bus but it was a national holiday so the normal busses were not running. At the last moment I realised that I did not have enough credit on my travel chipcard to return after work so I had to get that and missed the first connection. Just in case I had to walk on my heels I had taken some light weight sandals with me only to find out that it was way too cold to walk. I took off my boots and noticed I was wearing a grey and a dark blue sock as a result from putting them on in a dark room. So much for keeping my feet warm in the middle of nowhere. Socks in sandals are (very much not) ok when nobody sees it (but I could not care less that day). Different coloured socks in sandals are 1 big step too far. ๐Ÿ˜€

I went to buy a new tire. Walked to the closest shop, it was closed. The second closest to me would not open till 2 hours later. The third closest to me sold me a tire of low quality but since I had not bought one for years myself, I did not realise until I felt the quality of the tube when it was on the bike. This is how my life is currently; wading against the stream, continuously, with everything. I spoke with my boss about it. Should not have.

I had help at work, asks a person to make a stock list of certain items. She did, checked and double checked. I check the list a month later and there are items on it which do not even exist, never have existed and permanent items which well, go with the building, which are not on it. 30 Mistakes on a 6 page list. I know I have the assumption that everything is difficult but F! everything IS difficult and setting me back. Every two steps forward is one step back, if not two. I NEED to change this attitude because it is influencing me and my colleagues. My boss is getting tired of me because, gheghe, he is used to me being the one who cheers him up and now he has to cheer me up. Not good. He does not like that. He feels entitled to me cheering him up.

I guess that is something I have been doing all my life. When I had the vision of my twin brother dying I realised that all of my life I have been checking for disease in people and cheering people up when they are down. Both are must-do’s for me. I put my life’s energy in people in order to revive them. I assume that is how people like me. And when I don’t, boyfriends got angry. Always. I am tired. I hardly restore in the weekends. Eat bad convenience foods in order to try to revive me but well, we all know that does not work. I fear to feel. I fear to not be connected to a computer, I fear to realise that I am alive. I keep on thinking that ‘all will change after the audit’. I think I need to change before otherwise I will not survive. Aaah, the forces within.

New day: the production team of 8 has now 2 people less. 1 Head person and 1 good employee both left for reasons to do with their private life. The packing department was upset over everything and called a meeting with the boss. All kinds of things go haywire at work. Difficult to keep my centre. Worked hard today but went home ‘early’ as in after only 9 hours of work. Off to bed now, no use in hanging around Netflixing. ๐Ÿ™‚ The need to take care of me is big. The powers within are big and unstable.

I am happy that I quit though. I can well remember the nausea I would feel by now over drinking too much. The actions I would have to take to wake up ‘fresh’ tomorrow. Aaahrg, gross. I am happy that I quit and I will go do what a woman who loves herself does: take care of me.

I am grateful for the new tire in my bike. Grateful for the beautiful weather and the tiny ducklings in the pond on the way to work. So sweet. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a nice sober day / evening.

xx, Feeling

Am I an alcoholic?

I was made aware of this blogpost from Laura McKowen. It is great. Please have a read, please all share. I dream for this to be the number 1 article that pops up when somebody, somewhere in the world googles ‘Am I an alcoholic?’.

I am happy that I quit.

xx, Feeling

Day 975

I used a calculator to find out what day I have in this new life of me. Day 975, 2 years and 8 months and 1 day ago I finished this book ‘Kicking the drink easily’ by Jason Vale and quit drinking.

I am happy that I quit, eventhough lately I have difficulty appreciating it, well appreciating anything anyway. I guess grattitude really helps in sobriety. As I have always believed that being happy that I quit helps me. So, here is another post on why I can not feel that I am happy that I quit.

I am not happy currently because I am in this job which is the most taxing job I have ever had. Everybody thinks I am doing very well but I myself only see what is failing in my work.

But I’m guessing that is not it. The real pain comes from having fallen in love. Yay ๐Ÿ˜ฆ with this guy at work, married, obviously – cause why would things be easy? It is painful, somehow it is shamefull. I have been there with the bookstore man. Why did I not find that shameful? I guess because I did not yearn and fantasise. And now I sometimes allow myself to do so. Funny to find that these fantasies don’t go anywhere because I know they are unwelcome. He’s happily married to some awsome women. So I have lost my pride over the yearning. Ok. I can deal with that. It’s just like addiction. It is addiction.

A niece of my has passed away last week at the age of 60. She is the first one of the new generation. I have only seen her like 3 or 4 times in the last 20 years, but still. It is confrontational. She had/has/was bi-polar in a very dark way, could not be left alone for the last 15 years of her life. I hope she rests in peace. The day she died I suddenly had memories of her, through my father; a thought which I now recognise as from my father, not ‘of’ or ‘about’ my father moved into my existence. It was mixed with sadness over losing a daughter and with thoughts about my niece who was his brothers daughter. 2 Days later my SIL called to inform me that my niece had died that day. May I say that I am happy she died of a natural death? Not sure if that is a thing to think, probably not a thing to say, but I am happy for her kids and husband.

I miss my father. I miss the way it was when we thought things were good. When we all lied to eachother and played happy destructive family. We were happy too. But it was a because of layers of constructed, destructive work arounds in order to make things ‘work’ in the family.

Looking for a photo to demonstrate the crookedness I experienced and found this one. It actually leads to a book on Amazon saying: “Olya steps through the mirror into the Kingdom of Crooked Mirrors where Yalo resides. The kingdom, under the rule of King Yagupop LXXVII produces crooked mirrors that brainwash its people through subtle changes in reality.”


That is what I experienced in family life: brainwash through subtle changes in reality. The outsides of people not matching to the insides. Me having to change all kinds of things in my nature to be able to survive. Sickening. Sickening to everybody. My SIL informed me that my brother has found himself in a (near?) burn-out. My first thought “Well, that is about time.” Extreme high-blood pressure and STRESS with, well, capitals. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

To me being sober is reversing the brainwash and going back to my original self. Undoing the brainwash. But I am not happy about it. I find it not rewarding because lately I am tired, take bad care of myself and mostly, god this is so childish: because I can not have what (whom) I want. Pffff…. This is so painful to realise that I can not laugh about it yet. I must take better care of me but because I do not I feel bad and because I feel bad I do not think I have the right to take care of me. This is a repetitive thing: taking the right to live. Taking my life into my own hands. I feel I have to break with everything and everybody before I can do that. It is my assumption that if I do chose for myself I will loose everybody.

That was my mothers assumption too. It was my fathers assumption. It is part of what kept them together and it a sure motor behind their aggressive behaviour towards eachother and us. This is where projection comes in: since they did not choose for themselves, we were discouraged and forbidden to do so.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Time for practise in being grateful. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am grateful for the beautiful song ‘Blowing in the wind’ which I have on repeat since writing this. It represents my mood very well currently. I am grateful for my nice colleague who picked up a big assignment I asked her to do today. I am grateful for the insight which lead me to this firm because I am where I need to be. Just not liking what I need to learn. Well, since I am there anyway I guess I might as well bite the bullet. What is in the way, is The Way.

I am grateful for my bike because it brings me where I need to go. I am grateful for my beautiful friends who have helped me lately to cope, who have learned to speak the truth to me about themselves, and about me. I am grateful for the female consultant showing me how to work, teaching me important stuff and skills. I am grateful for the male consultant because he shows me how I do not want to be. I am grateful for my difficult male collegue because he teaches me to not take stuf personal. Ooh, on that subject: my boss came over to me the other day complaining about this friend-collegue of him, telling me how close he is/had been to firning him over his non responsive behaviour. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ My boss scares me with things like this. I always think: I am only seen as good because the rest is screwing up. Not because I am good. Also: if he fires people ‘at will’, when will I be the next one? I told him. He got irritated. He’s not good with me losing faith, or maybe he’s not good in me losing faith in him. ๐Ÿ˜€ Or maybe I should not be saying these things to my boss! ๐Ÿ˜€ No no no, don’t ask me to learn because I will not.

Did I tell you that the consultants have been testing me to see how and if I want to proceed this job? They were saying things like ‘there are so many jobs in this field’ and ‘just have a look’. I had the idea they were trying to see if they could win me over to their camp. Not sure if they are allowed to do so. Would feel like betrayal. I would be VERY good at that job after some schooling. But I guess I might be too far away from the actual workfloor for me to be happy. Maybe I could do them both. 2 Days at my current firm, 3 days at theirs. Hmmm…. well, first the audit. I am still not sure we’ll get through. Auditors say we probably will. Boss says so. I don’t know.

Need to be off to bed. Wishing you a nice (sober?) day / evening.

I am happy that I quit. Even if it is only because I do not ever want to go back to the crookedness inside me, go back to the lying and hiding and not being able to stand up straight. I will stop yearning for the taken man too. Done. Just need to see how to deal with his anger about that. Married men are never nice: they (not so secretly) tease and flirt and send vibes just in order to sharpen their nails on a free woman and see if they ‘still got it’. Next they realise what they did but secretly blame and despise me. Thirdly they feel rejected when their tease is not answered.

One of the important collegues in the audit process has had a car accident in which a man was killed. My collegue was not to fault but did drive the car which killed the senior biker. He himself has no scratch but his whole aura is an open wound walking. I so want to hold him and keep all the pieces together for him. His energy continously falling apart is well, almost visible. First thing he said: “I am so happy I did not drink anything.” Meaning that he could not have lived with himself if he had drank a beer even though the accident was not of his making. He’s very concious of the dangers of alcohol in traffic. Cars are such a big responsibility. Use it well and it is a car. Drink and it turns into a murder weapon. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Well, somewhere along this post I was free of dark thought but haha, not for long! ๐Ÿ˜€

Hope I leave you with a better mood though. I am happy that I quit. And a woman who loved herself would take better care of herself. That is what it is. Allowing myself to take care of me. I am still jailing myself. Freedom of fear and bad behaviour is scary. It is very alone. I am not at ease there. Need to become at ease otherwise I will keep on showing destructive behaviour in a reenactment of my former life. Trying to feel through the feeling of being free of these negative bounds. I realise that I need to be free but also within my body. Not free outside the body, free and centered. Free and not centered is more like panick. ๐Ÿ˜€ Liking the feel practice I am doing now. Free and centered. Need to practice that. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit because I would not have found this place where peace and the possiblity to act are both existant. ๐Ÿ™‚ No spell check today. Need to be in bed.

xx, Feeling


Breath of life – conference on addiction with Gabor Matรฉ

For those of you living in the UK:

* MAY 18TH โ€“ 19TH 2017 *

Trauma is not what happens to us, but what happens inside us. Based on Gabor Matรฉโ€™s bestselling books, this two-day workshop will explore the traumatic basis of physical disease, mental illness, addiction and childhood developmental problems. It will illuminate all of these conditions not as separate diagnostic entities, but as bio-psychosocial phenomena, manifestations of the unity of mind and body, physiology and psychology, and of the individual with the social environment. Treatment approaches must flow from such a holistic understanding.

Continue reading on the website.

I am happy that I quit. I think I keep on growing into the person I was ment to be. That is good because it sort of feels like I am ‘straightening out’. Like my spine is growing back. Does that make sense?

xx, Feeling