1 Year anniversary anxiety

Edit 8 hours later: reading back this is the vaguest post I have ever written, if that is even possible, but eh… some funny conclusions in the end in the ‘I need’ and the ‘3 Things to be grateful for’. It is so funny how these repetitive questions again and again bring original answers. When I ask these questions I never know what the answer will be. Todays answers are those of a new era.

In 3 weeks it is my 1 year anniversary, well, assuming I get there without drinking alcohol before. Which I assume but hey, this is an addiction so it is better not to look ahead and stretch myself thin. But I do. I do look ahead and I do stretch myself thin and I do anticipate catastrophe – not sure what it looks like yet though. So I do as I always do, sit down and write about it to see what comes up.

I changed my mind not going to look at that, or maybe this is what came up. Not sure. 🙂 I go back to focussing on being happy that I quit because when I am there is no issue. I do worry since a few months that I’m not over the top happy that I quit anymore. But maybe I had a serious case of the pink clouds earlier this year :-). I am guessing that feeling really happy pulled me trough the first days, weeks, months which people say are the hardest. Looking back I do not remember any irresistable urges or cravings. Some people have problems with the not drinking. I have more problems with the living sober.

Or possibly, I might come to rephrase that by now: I have problems living in the society as it is. With the given I have, I can’t find my way. I keep on needing to change my reaction to, relation to society; work, money, admin, living, food, agriculture, meat, health, people, man (!), sex (non existent but still), emotional safety, connection, family, environment, general history, family history, family dynamics, emancipation of woman, men and children, politics, GMO, religion, ayahuasca, drugs, alcohol, addiction, my addictive personality, sugar, addiction transfer to ‘love’, transfer of emotions as a system in itself, the health of my cat, advertising, appearance, poverty, systems of abuse and suppression, forgiving, gratitude, meditation, love, hate, knowledge, transparency, destruction, attention, group dynamics, black and white and shades of grey, inside and outside, magic, coincidence, worlds, responsibility, walls, doors, control, rigidity, ease, sustainability, illusion, truth, power, realization, ignorance, consciousness, ubuntu, perfection, criticism, giving and receiving, closing and opening, speaking and listening, growing and destructing, seeing, mystifying and demystifying, expectation and reality. Everything is changing because I am changing.

I feel I see things in the world more clearly but still have no clue of where I am or where I am heading. I now know a lot of what I do not want, but I do not know what I do want. And even the ‘things’ I ‘do’ ‘want’ (book store man) are not really what I want. It is all a mist, a transfer of addiction. I’ve had enough of the moaning about that btw. Met him yesterday for 5 minutes, he’s in a dark place and excluding me. Which is good and logical because my intentions in this are wavering an unclear and I do not even want to be there where I am in that. So… be done with it Feeling, go back to your own place.Truth is hard to bear sometimes.

And then, separate from this addiction transfer there is the poor me part which maybe needs addressing some time because I am feeling it is not helpful anymore to hide but I don’t dare to. Everything is so new. I feel the world is running through me and I still attach to the pain which I feel deeper now I am sober. I also feel the beauty deeper but I have this focus on pain and sadness.

I notice I still have this tendency to sabotage myself before anybody else does. Yesterday I felt it has to do with family dynamics. I can not stand up right because I would call bullshit on our family. (And in that, do you notice the use of the word ‘our’? I would be surprised if in any of the 309 posts up to now I have mentioned ‘our’ and ‘family’ in one sentence. Ghegheghe. Interesting.) In order for my family to function I need to step down and not stand and walk upright. For me to be able to walk upright is to point out the ugliness of the situation of the marriage between my mother and father. That is the function shame has in our family. The group needs to stay together, in order to do that members need to adjust, to fit in.

I need to detach myself, be independent, cut the umbilical cord. And that would make me see what is not allowed to be seen. I do not want to live in this darkness anymore. I want to be able to walk upright, I want to be able to let go. I am feeling like dealing with this is very much like Richard Rahl revealing the statue of himself and Kahlan in the city of Altur’Rang (Faith of the Fallen, book 6 in the series Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind). In this book Richard is enslaved in a world where beauty is forbidden because enjoying beauty would ‘elevate one above the other’ and that would pervert society so instead they worships and practise misery.

I have the sudden ‘insight’ (?) that detaching myself from this ugliness is an important part of my reason for being born in this family. To hold up the mirror to their destruction. To refuse to carry their shame. I did not do that. I went into general and self-destructive mode. Need to get addicted and sober to come back to this realisation. Now I understand my anger towards them from early age on and the intensity of my refusal of them. I did not want to ‘take them in’ or ‘be with them’ because they sowed shame. This is why I need to be alone. Otherwise I would find shelter with the other and not notice what was going on. 🙂 / 😦 It is funny how letting go of pain makes room for insight. Not sure if this post is done but it is enough for today.

I am happy that I quit. Not sure why but it seems to be the path I’m walking.

I need: no clue what I need, or I feel I need nothing. Not sure which.

I want: pfff, no clue either. Hmmm, get outside, finally (!!!) buy a new tea sieve.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and still chocolate. My eating has improved though, real meals from real recipes with posts on Facebook :-).

3 Things; 1 this post and the insights, 2 life :-), 3 myself.

Discipline: things will come when they come. I went to bed at 0:00 yesterday. Which is 2 hours before I did in the last 2-3 weeks. Aiming at 23:45 today.

I hope you have a nice day. :_0

xx, Feeling

Life in another light and it is confusing

Long time – no write. I have been hiding, hiding, hiding. The job application last week went really well, but I still have not heard from them so most likely it went even ‘weller’ for somebody else. But… maybe they just need some extra time. We shall see.

Finance is pressing but within 2 weeks there will be a huge tax refund so that saves my ass for a few months. As from tomorrow I’ll be helping a friend of mine for a few days. He’s got his own company and needs some seasonal help. Looking forward to it.

Today I had some plans: opening invoices, calling the tax office, cleaning the house and writing a letter of application. I managed part of the opening invoices and I did get the tax office info. Still need to clean and I looked at the job openings again, worked out that I was 20 years overqualified or 20 years under. NEW was that I was able to do this from a witness position and not be taken up by my emotions totally. NEW is also the realisation that I am a mess and lack structure. Can’t finish anything. As in structurally I can not finish a thing. More and more I’m starting to think that my issue is not with booze, it is with living. And let’s not forget that it is with booze as well of course.

Next to being an arch procratinator I have difficulty in this society. I always felt there is something fundamentally wrong in this society where women are second class people. I grew up in a household where this message was pounded in, day in, day out. If it were not by my father actually saying so, it was by my mother who had no position, she struggled, fought and lost day in day out. In the end cancer took her and I am in no way surprised about it. I grew to hate men in general and myself for being a woman.

So, I guess I drank. Drank the hurt away, drank away those things that could otherwise not be swallowed, drank away my inability to cope. And now I’m sober, guessing still not able to cope all too well. Need to look into that. But that is not what I want to write about.

Since I do not drink anymore and am not on a daily base occupied within the rat-race called career I find that I look upon life differently. How the world operates worries me greatly. First I found that alcohol advertising promises EXACTLY what it does not deliver. Yeah, that may sound naive, but to me it was an eye opener. Then I started to meet nice guys who were actually friendly towards women and positive. Another thing that sort of opened my eyes was this weird, weird situation where my high blood pressure dropped after quitting the high blood pressure pills. It makes you think doesn’t it?

Today this jpeg crossed my Facebook page and I’m guessing it says a lot, but not even all of it.

And then there is the whole list of the Monsanto’s of this world, the forced vaccinations in Florida, the TTP and TTIP, the Codex Alimentarius which in the worse case will rule out all alternative medicine (which helped me get my blood pressure down…). The stupidity of ADHD medicine for kids, the fact that vegetables only contain 1/3rd or less of the vitamin and mineral content they did 20 – 30 years ago because we deplete the fields.

The bookstore man was very angry and upset the other day over all the bad news in the world. I realised that if we are to watch all the bad news, we need to watch all the kitten/puppies/baby/combination vids too. Our system is NOT build to live in a world that big. We are not made to deal with the thousands of deaths, the wars, the diseases, the rapes, the poverty of this world. It leaves us depleted too. It is not healthy and looking at it is not a sustainable way of living. All of us, well, except the sociopaths among us, have empathy. Bombarding empathy in a person with horrible news just kills it. It is like being bombarded with noise all day: we need to shut down stuff, important stuff, to be able to deal with the noise. It is not good, it is not sustainable.

Because there is no way to deal other than denial, shutting down, closing doors, using / drinking or what have you.

It is more than a year ago now that I realised I had to quit drinking. After quitting I found a few blogs online and thought that I could start my own in order to log my process. I thought about my name, I wanted it to reflect the process I was going through in a positive way. I wanted to be alive again and I think I had figured out that drinking for me was a way to kill my feelings. So I thought I need to regrow that and feel my way back into life.

I’m thinking feelings are indications of our state of being and therefore important. The word emotion seems to mean ‘that what puts us in motion’. So… guessing it is very important to know from the other way around too because these are the things that cause us to relapse. Now over the months I’ve done some thinking and feeling and my idea of what is and how come etc. has changed. My view of what life is has changed and I find it confusing because the whole world around me which I found very important before seems to start to become of no importance. Which I guess is good, and part of my age (45) but it is confusing. And I tend to do everything in extremes so if I don’t take care I’ll be without a house in a few months so… time to make this a subject of a blog ;-).

As far as I have worked it out for myself I (we?) have a divine core. I visualise things in layers so have the idea that around the core is something I would call the True Self and then there is I, the part that I currently experience as I, the person who writes this blog. The True Self has qualities but these, I think to experience in my life, are not showing clearly because there is another layer, the I, which is cluttered with rubbish, pain, bad memories, unhelpful views, addictions, needs, wants, (temporary)  happiness.

I am thinking the divine spark is the life force we get, the True Self is the carry over part from life to after life or next life. The character or I is undoubtedly the human experience we are having as spiritual being. That, in my not schooled nor humble opinion is the part where the karma is wrestling with the world, the part where the ego is situated. The part which is attached to the body, a nice neat unit of measurement of humanity. It is afraid to die, and it suffers, which I guess is exactly the point – otherwise there would be nothing to learn to let go or transcend.

I think what I have been doing these past 12 months of which 10 plus sober is to learn to recognise the emotions floating around, ok, screaming and pushing, in the I-part. These are the ones that I drowned, these are the ones that would, if I would let them, set me on to drink. So I might as well get to know them. And I’ve come to think that this is the part I want to clean up, in order to become clean, clear, transparent – my initial and possibly final goal.

I want to learn to let go of all the hurt, the misunderstandings, the needs and greeds, the 7 sins so I am not forced by those emotions to want to control myself or the world around me. I want to learn to let go of these so I can see my True Self and possibly do some good with that in the world. Well, I’m guessing trying to get there, or getting there is what I need to do.

I guess it involves a lot of self research, looking into motives, into intentions. Intentions I found are key. That’s why the bookstore man is important to me because he’s pretty good at reading intentions and reacts to those more than he reacts to what is being said or done. Or so I project, not sure, but he’s a constant reminder, sort of check-back button. And it might have to do something with this main intention I set when I met him: I don’t want to lie to this person. Not sure why this decision was so intens. I guess because I was getting tired of needing to lie about having fucked up my life over booze. That sounds a little too holy possibly, I think the knowledge that  would not be able to keep it up anyhow in front of somebody who feels so deeply into intentions. And then of course there is this point of wanting to be able to stand straight and be able carry what I have brought about. I should not forget that. Decisions we make.

And then of course I did lie about my blog. As I told everybody but some: I write in a diary (sort of ish, online, sort of, semi public, sort of).

And then there are levels of consciousness. I sometimes find that I switch, but I’m not sure where the switch is and that is not important in the process I’m in I guess. I’m guessing what is important now is to find sources of emotions, see where they take me, discover the function of them, uncover the sources, deal with the sources. And then, in the long run try to learn to disconnect from the dynamics and let them pass by. To let them be information without being thrown all over the place.

Currently I would say I am in the place where I get to know my emotions, lately very much learning to deal with my own darkness and destruction and being able to stand straight when that storm hits me. And slowly I’m starting to develop a sense of use of emotions: to set us into motion when we are not on our path / things are not as they should be. The Path would be to develop the True Self in this human form. I’m currently in the phase of trying to discover the True Self by learning to let go of the debris around it. I set myself back in that process by drinking for years. Or… because I drank for years I had to make extra effort to come back and I without it I might not ever have discovered this what I think to know as The Truth (my truth that is) by now.

Another thing, because The Path and The Ideal did not have time to adjust to pension plans, taxes, confusing economics, sickening concepts of health, awful injustice and world hunger, and anything, well anything listed in the jpeg above, it is easy to be confused, swept of our feet and the debris gets bigger and addictions get worse. And luckily the amount of people saying: maybe, maybe alcohol and drugs, sugar and other addictions are not good for us is growing. 🙂

Another unedited post. Not going to read back to see if the paragraphs line up because I need to get to bed. Alarm is ringing in 5 hours from now.

I am happy that I quit even though I do not find it easy to deal with this shifting view of the world. Specifically the moaning part of me that wants to crawl under the blanket and say: ‘They did it!’ is difficult to deal with. Because part of it is true, but it is not important. Sigh. Still happy that I quit. Now with the 12 months in sight I notice there is some cockiness coming up;  ‘If I can make it to a year without trouble… blablablabla…’ 😦 Need to look into that.

I need: to go to bed

I want: to understand how it all works but I guess it will unfold itself as I de-addict. That’s how it has been so I guess that is how it will continue. And I got a nice book from the bookstore man on ‘You are that’ – nice book with good words on existence that can be physically experienced. I like books that can do that. That it’s not only a brain thing but that the knowledge goes from the words to the cells in the body or to a place in the aura (or how one would call that).

I take: still heavy on the chocolate. I guess I have gained 2-3 kilo’s in the past weeks. It is starting to irritate me.

3 things: tax refund, proud of having looked at my finances and sewing a tiny baby gift today. 🙂

Hope you have a nice sober/clean day/evening!

xx, Feeling

It takes 8 months

This man got a bike that goes right when he turns left and visa versa. It took him 8 months to learn to ride it. And then it took him 20 minutes to learn to ride a normal bike again. I am not sure I agree with his explanation but I do think it has an analogy with addiction. Or no matter what: it is fun :-).

I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘shit I really need to get a move on and pfiew glad I don’t drink anymore’ kind of way. I am trying to get back to the profoundly happy that I quit but worries get in the way. Now I try to separate the worries from being happy. Logically they are not linked. My mother had cancer and it was breaking down her body. She was still happy, she had learned to separate these. (And I guess she did a lot of hiding her fear and stress….) I miss her so much. I guess this is the hardest part of the price I pay for having spent so much time in lalaland: not having closed the dealing with her death. I thought I had, but the hurt of her going is still there, the unfinished business. More and more I get the feeling to ‘Oooh, I’ll call my mother.’ and then realise she is not here anymore.

I fear: well pffff, shitloads.

I want: to have breakfast

I need: to have breakfast

I take: nothing, just fully sugarless. Less fog but not the clarity I remember from when I was 19. (Ghegheghe….)

Things that went well: the work I am doing, what I do is good. Working with consumers is different: they all want a piece of me, I get e-mails as long as my posts discussing technical things. That is rather tiring. There are a few things that I follow up on and that continue to just go well. I should be proud of / happy with kicking the sugar but somehow I think I should not have get hooked at the first place. Hmmm

And there is something funny going on: I keep on meeting up people who have no money at all and are generally in a rut. Walking along the wrong energy lines here. 🙂 Let’s see how to deal with that.

And with writing that I did not even come to the 3rd thing that is going well. This talking stuff down is pretty much alive in me. Well, with writing down 3 things that are going well or that I have done well I realise that I am never content and always think I should have done better. That revelation is sinking in by now. That is good, in a sad way. Doing it again! My god this is difficult. I guess I need to watch the video again: it takes 8 months to unlearn a pattern if once practises every day. I will add ‘things that go well’ to the list on my egg timer. The current list is ‘stand up straight’ (I try to work standing at least half of the day), ‘shoulders back’ and ‘breathe’. One thing that I did good: type a post. 🙂

I hope you have a happy sober / clean day or evening!

xx, Feeling

Physical and mental changes part x

I haven’t been writing a lot and I guess that has been because something inside has settled. On the 30th of December I went to a wise woman, the mother of a friend of a friend and former therapist who is/was specialised in Bach Remedies, Schussler salts, Tarot, Homeopathy, chakra reading and healing and several other things. I went there because I felt one of my issues with planning and not working things through or finalising it is actually a chakra issue.

She told me something about disease and alcohol and said: ‘There is nothing wrong with partying ever so now and then. Shake stuff off, wake up in a new day. But doing that on a regular base is destructive. What you did is leave  the door open for too long. So it does not close anymore. If you drink now, you will go all the way.’ I needed to hear that in these words to understand how it works energy wise. And now my substance addiction has a place in my brain: it is an open door to a world where I do not want to go and I have learned to walk past it without going in.

She also said: ‘You have quit, I think that is marvelous, it is so amazing to see people quit their addiction. Now make sure you move on with your Life because that is what you came for. You left the alcohol behind you, also leave that life behind you and stop berating yourself over it. Continue living. All in all, it has been important but it is only one door, you won’t go in there anymore and there are a million of opportunities in life. You came to this world to live, not to look  back, stay stuck and hang around in something you actually quit.’

Hearing that changed things inside me then. I feel like I can actually look into the world again. And the mentioning of ‘it is only one door’ made me realise that, even though it is a very good idea to stay away from that door; the universe is bigger than only my alcohol drenched past. And since then I did not feel so much like blogging and somehow I found back my ability to do stuff and my trust in me.

She gave me one of the Schussler salts too. It works miracles on my blood pressure and sleep. With the first pills I could actually feel my muscles relax through my whole body. That has not happened since, well, I don’t know. It feels like 10 years or so. That was marvellous, and NO WONDER I have high blood pressure. The relaxing helps me realise when I get into a state. So that’s good too. I got some other salts too for things I feel I am lacking. But more on that in another post.

All in all, the understanding of addiction through the image of the door, the salts, all of it somehow finally helps me to do stuff. Like cleaning up without moaning about it, actually even liking it and….writing letters of application. Yes! I did send out 2 applications. What?!! Yes, I did! I had till the 5th of January to react so it finally went out on January the 4th, 23:56 hours, but I did it. YEAH!!!!!!  NEW!!!!

I spend days and days behind the screen crying over my lost past, writing my CV and being happy about all the experience I have and then crying about me having wasted it all and feeling unable to do something with it and back to feeling happy about my experience. Mood swings, but healing now. I took the time to see where I started to berate myself and where I would put an effort in feeling way, way better than my peers.

I also screwed up my chances at the 2nd job forever by calling them with questions about the vacancy. It had a title ‘coordinator’ and ran 3 pages (!) from ‘being superbly technical’, ‘absolutely creative’, ‘cleaning machines’, ‘customer contact’,  ‘setting up educational material and giving courses’, ‘drawing up contracts’, ‘managing the staff’ and ‘organising events’. HR most obviously did NOT have a look at this; when you take that seriously they ask for 4 different people in one. I am smiling at that now and but when having the conversation with the head of the department was there in my tone too. So I can screw the 2nd job but I did send out the letter and that is GOOD. I do see now how I get attracted to a function in an environment that puts out a vacancy for somebody that ‘can do everything’. My delusional self would think that would be me.

And I was going to write a whole theory on disease here, but I don’t feel like working it out.

What I want: I want life to be easier than it is. But that is BS because loads of people have it harder and I am EXACTLY at the point that my life is all about: finally dealing with negativity, presentation, contact and reincarnating, finally dealing finances – not always making enough to not have to worry about it. That is not dealing.

What I need: follow my path and get rid of my blood pressure medication and to get back to exercising at least an hour a day. I’ve been doing half hours for the last 3 days. I came from 1 * 50mg and am at 2 * 12,5mg now since yesterday. Haha, I can feel how it used to dampen my responses to stress because I get road rage again while biking. 😀 Ghegheghe, dealing with that too ‘Getting angry or stressed out is not going to get you there any sooner. You might as well relax and enjoy your ride, wouldn’t that be much nicer?’

Also changing: I have actually, for the FIRST time in my life said to myself ‘You may want some more chocolate now, but how will you feel in 15 minutes? This stuff makes you feel bad in large quantities.’ NEW!! NEW!!! It’s not even about the chocolate that is new, the whole concept of thinking ahead and ‘battling’ with a desire is new. Well, in this way it is. Saying that, I suddenly don’t know how I quit drinking. Aaah, I did not reason with me. AAAH, NO WAY! No reasoning with addiction. Addiction is as addiction does. No use in reasoning with it. :-D. Well, the other thing is NEW and I felt so adult suddenly. And American! Because I only know this line of thinking from American tv series :-).

Also new in the Should situation: I have taken a strict approach to dealing with stuff. When I catch a ‘I should actually….’ I tell myself either to do it or to stop worrying about it. That creates a lot of clarity in my mind. NEW! And it makes me realise that I obviously can not do everything that I want in a day. NEW! The ‘I should’ issue can only live in an environment of arrogance where I think I can do anything. I can’t, but even when writing this there is this voice saying: ‘Pfff, of course you can, you just have to put yourself to it’. I want to believe that. When drinking I did believe it. I guess that’s how I ruined my business: not doing stuff and still thinking I could. That is a NEW painful insight. Brrr….

And I keep on apologizing to my mother on blowing her inheritance money and my life but it does not work because I am still angry with her over not protecting me. And there is something funny about  that sentence / concept of thinking. That is another subject for another day.

Another thing; food has lost its fascination. Don’t know how that happened but I get irritated over ‘having to eat’. NEW!! Let’s see how this progresses. I have a chocolate bar in the cupboard, it has been there for 3-4 days now. If I feel like it there is something that says; ‘You could also have a tangerine if you want sugar.’ NEW!!! WEIRD!!! Might have to do with now I move on from being ill that I do not need rewards anymore. Not sure. Actually I expect this disinterest in food to change back to ‘normal’ pretty soon.

What I need: what I need is more joy in my life so I signed up with a group that plays board games. Nice, nice. It is open to kids as well so I am guessing it is alcohol free. And if it is not? Ha! More chances on winning! :-D. The Facebook group is really nice. A guy telling about a dream he had on new game concepts and people being excited about the first after Christmas gathering so they could try out their new games. Nice! I am excited.

What I also need is to continue my road and start dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. But since the talk and the Schussler salts there is finally something in me that wants to return to society. Now I am sober the world does not look half as bad as it did before. 🙂 NEW!

Very fucking happy that I quit. Sometimes proud of it. Finally proud of the approach I take to being sober: this constant self-care in tiny details right up to the border where I can still handle it. I still feel I am going (too) slow but if I just start with something, even if it is slow, then I will finish one day. And that beats not starting.

Hope you liked reading this. I am guessing that the longer I do not write, the longer the posts are.

Have a nice day. 🙂

The bad AND the good.

Sad today. Sad, frustrated and ashamed about me being angry, well, it seems almost all the  time. I don’t know, anger is just overwhelmingly big right now. Christmas time. Thinking about Christmases past with both parents drinking and continuously bickering, arguing, fighting. My mother used to get uptight already 2 weeks before Christmas and the tension in the only eased when the tree was broken down. It was my birthday in between. I always felt that everybody thought is was very inconveniently planned. All along everybody tried to play happy family. Sometimes we were.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I carry a lot of anger in me. In comments here people have called me ‘honest’ and ‘courageous’.  Today I translated that to ‘too angry to be polite’ and ‘too angry to pay attention to the damage I could do to myself’.  Can’t take a compliment. Next I figured out that I can’t take a compliment. Still put sadness between me and all that is good. It has something to do with that middle place I can not find yet: there were everything just IS. And not the bottom where everything is horrible, or the top, where everything is fantastic. I think it is a very addictive things to look for those extremes. I actually find that I internally guid myself towards either of them. Only dead fish go with the flow. That actually has been my motto for a silly 20 years or so. By now I wish I still remembered how to go with the flow. 🙂 Ghegheghe… and then I hear the trees in the park speak to each other ‘Humans, and all their opinions…. what a waste…’

About anger: I need to learn to recognise it now I am soberish. No not drinking, but I feel like the mood swings I make are still after effects of the addiction. Unresolved issues that burst through the surface. I noticed I wanted to hang on to the bad feeling of Christmas and forget the good things. I guess, a few days after, I might as well make the good list.

– My mother was the best Christmas tree decorator I know. Well, apart from the professional ones that  have loads of money and do trees at Harrods or so. She could hang everything so that the whole tree was balanced beautifully. Later, when she herself was very ill she did not want a tree in the house anymore ‘I don’t want a dying tree in my house.’ I can’t actually remember if she did buy a fake one. But, I was trying to look a the good things.

– We played a lot of bord games, that was fun.

– My mother had a few very nice Christmas records and cd’s that we played ever so now and then.

– The fire would be burning in the wood stove and the underfloor would be heated so the whole living part of the house was nice and warm and cosy.

– There would be cats around, that would sometimes cost a few baubles but that was ok.

– We would go out for a walk after dinner or in the morning and the fields would be all dark and cold.

– We never did the presents on Christmas, my parents said it was the celebration of light in the world, not the celebration of commerce. 🙂 Yeah, I can hear you thinking: the apple did not fall far from the tree… Extreme opinions running in the family? Check! Well, we have Santa Claus at the 5th of December, in the Netherlands he is the guy that brings the presents.

– My mother had these beautiful candle holders from iittala named Nappi. Not sure if they are still on the market but they cast this beautiful light shadow. The shadow would move with the movements of the flame. I bought some for myself when I left the house. They were at the table. I would sit with my back to the stove and my front to the candle and look at the lights.

– I would bring chocolates from the finest chocolate maker in our capital. These were a true treat and a happy together moment.

Moods, mood swings, I am noticing that not only the thinking about alcohol is something that can be adjusted from ‘Yessssss!!!’ to a more healthy ‘No thank you.’ But it also looks like the moods I am in are partially supported by myself. It is not only hormones of any kind playing up, it is also me with a whole series of thoughts that support it. In the movie What the bleep do we know scientists explain how we get addicted to our emotions by training our cells to receive certain chemicals that change the state of the cell to happy or sad or whatever. One person says: ‘If you cannot stop certain feelings, you must be addicted to it.’ I am starting to get really interested in that thought.

Guess I had a roller coaster day too because I did stuff. I woke up pretty clear-headed because I had slept well and started to plan my day. Immediately 10.001 thoughts crossed my mind and I ended up doing everything half or only starting and not even continuing. That is the state of my brain these days. I have tried to re-write my CV and write a letter of application. It’s difficult. I feel bad about myself, specifically when writing my CV. I have so much experience, am superbly skilled in so many fields. The only (?) think I fail in is getting my shit together, finding out what really makes my heart sing and last but not least dealing with the nasty people I meet along the way. Like these ex-colleges saying at my first day at the job: ‘It took us three months to pester your predecessors out of here. That will work with you too.’ Or this new boss: ‘I am ok with girls going to college, university, no problem. But I do not understand why they actually have to get a job. If it were my choice you would not be here. Let’s see how long you last.’

I guess the universe is trying to tell me something. 🙂 Unfortunately I still do not know what. I used to believe in ‘The path is the destination.’ Now I look back on my path through my CV and I see unfinished schools mixed with schools where I was in the top 3 of the class. I see a job at a HQ of an international company where I get an ‘Excels’ as a rating. That happens to 2% of the company on a yearly basis. And then the shitty people turn up. Guess I am somebody that lives and breathes extremes. I don’t want that anymore. Quitting alcohol was a good idea. Now I need to deal with the addiction.

Happy that I quit. Though these days it is suddenly getting difficult. Not sure if it connected to the higher sugar intake or to being confronted to my working history. Doesn’t really matter: the solution is less sugar and do the stuff I need to do.

In the new category ‘what I want?’ I want somebody to take care of me :-). Well, that is not going to happen. And if it did I would chuck them out because I don’t want to be dependent on somebody…. 😦 Need trust for that. Trust is in short supply.

What do I need? I need to take better care of myself and I don’t do it because I am tired of being me. So I think I don’t deserve to take care of me. That it’s all a waste anyway. Well, nothing that comes easy is worth having. And pain is a growing opportunity that has not been fulfilled. And going to bed at a normal time has always been a good idea. The cat came to get me an hour ago. 🙂 I actually have a cat that takes care of me.

4 Months – 2Kg – 750 Euro

4 Months sober? Did I ever think I would make that? Yes, I guess I did. Or maybe I should rephrase that in: I had to believe I was able to do it otherwise I knew I would fail and then I worked to make it possible.

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Cutting down on the beta blockers is going ok-ish. I am still at stage 1 where I do 2 * 50mg instead of 1 * 50. It seems the same but the blood level of the active stuff now only rises to 25 and then slowly falls down to zero. While before there was a peak of 50. That is different. In order to feel good I have to go out and move for at least an hour a day and that is working. And… NEW: I even do that when I do not feel like it.  🙂

I have to make sure that I do not drink licorice tea or something with caffeine. However, I am guessing that a little high blood pressure and a real body is better than a low blood pressure and a body that I do not understand and can abuse because the results of any abuse are covered up by the beta blocker. My plan (don’t even dare to use that word here anymore) is to quit the beta blockers, do a detox and go on a diet and loose weight. I believe 5% weight loss results in 10 points blood pressure or so. Or maybe different but there are large blood pressure results to be gotten on weight loss.

– Losing water weight currently, I guess it is due to cutting down the beta blockers. It says so on the enclosed leaflet that retaining water is a side effect. Which…. in itself is really funny because retaining water is a CAUSE of high blood pressure as well. Well, kidneys not functioning and then retaining water is.

– I do have a back pain that keeps me awake at night. Not sure what it is. First I thought it were my kidneys but they were tested and ok. It used to be only there when I slept for more than 8 hours. Now it is there constantly when I am laying down and during the day. When I go walking out during the day I pay extra attention to pulling in my abs and that works. So I am guessing the back pain is caused by bad posture and sitting all day. I should (there is the S-word again) train my abs. See if the pain goes away.

On pain: I am beginning to think I have a very low pain threshold. I once read something about that in connection to alcohol but I forgot how it worked. I guess it worked like taking pain killers and then quitting: anything you feel then will hurt badly. I wonder when this will change back to ‘normal’.

– Now that I am outside more I a sleep better when/if I sleep. Sleep is very important to me in order to deal with stuff. I only really sleep once in a month or so and when I wake up I am sky-high over all the energy I have. 🙂 I am working on how to arrange my life so that I will be sleeping better but I am still not making the choices to support that. Still watching loads of tv for instance and going to bed late at night and waking up halfway through the day. I don’t know why I do that. I feel it is a substitute addiction. I feel I still don’t want to be really present in this life.  Working on it in the steps that I can take like cutting down on the beta blockers – who influence sleep patterns as well :-(. I am guessing that 30 years of hiding in booze and 4 years in beta blockers don’t go away with 4 months of sobriety. In the homeopathy they say to that 1 year of sickness needs at least 1 month of repair.

– I have binged on chocolate lately. Binging defines as: eating at least 100 grams of dark chocolate a day. I guess I am slacking in taking good care of me because I am not afraid I will be loosing my sobriety over it. Also: I have not found other things that please me as a reward. I am guessing the only way to go is the way of the monk and NOT demand a reward for every tiny little thing. Yes, I should (s-word) be more mindful of what I am doing. But getting tired of that sometimes.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I still don’t do anything. It looks like my initiative is broken. I am already Very Proud if I go out for a walk on a day that I don’t feel like it. I am still trying to feel my way through it. It feels like my initiative is depleted. If there is such a thing. I guess this is the price to pay for not taking care of me and now I have to make sure I get it back somehow. I feel it is connected  to me having worked too hard for way too long; 12 hours a day 6-7 days a week and then drinking to flush the stress away. I also think it is connected to me not doing the full circle of life in anything that I do: I used to be very good at starting things (being born) but maintenance or letting go (living and dying) are not in my repertoire. I guess that somehow screws up the energy flows that are supposed to be. And I don’t know nothing about letting go so I guess this is going to be interesting. I quit drinking but that feels different from letting go. Or maybe…. I don’t know how letting go should feel and I project all kinds of difficulties on it while it is actually the same as quitting drinking: crying, saying goodbye, realising how bad it is and feeling my way into a new, sober world. With saying: I do not have the skills to maintain or let go I do the same as with thinking I could not stop with drinking: I block myself even to think or feel about it. Hmmmm, there’s a thought.

– I am still working on recognising how I use the word ‘should’ – the S-word, to arrange my life. Not going fast in that, really slowly. Every discovery feels overwhelming, the things I do to myself with using that word. Nasty. It blocks energy in a bad way. I notice I want to look away from this issue. I guess I will stay with the noticing what I want to do with it.

– On aggression; on aggression there are a few things. One of them is that I find (haha, you would have noticed) that it is there (here!!!!) and that it pops up without me noticing. I have had a few flame reactions this last month and I never saw them coming because how I perceive my anger has changed. It scares me that I can be so destructive. I have a whole post here on an imagined conversation with my mother on things that I am very angry about and I do not dare to publish it. What scares me most is  that every day I think I am genuinely me, but the day after I noticed that the aggression I carry is still alcohol fueled or fueled by not being sober long enough and not having the rest that comes with it. Looking back in my blog line I see a lot of anger that now feels differently. Looking around at other sober blog posts I get the feeling that outbursts of anger are part of sobering up. I get called out of my cave over what I perceive as dishonest or unfair. And of course my megalomaniac thinking spurs me to speak up. I am starting to see the link with projecting things and anger. I force myself to be fair, I can’t stand it if my nephew of 10 is unfair about something and I will come down on him like an avalanche when he is. 😦 Sorry, sorry, sorry nephew, world. 😦 Working on it. The error is in thinking I have the right or need to say something. Aaaah, and because I am overwhelmed by the ‘error’ of the other I justify lashing out because the other hurt me first. Hmmm. Food for thought. Standing by and not commenting looks like approval – I don’t want to go their either. Or would I be using that as an excuse to lash out. Not sure. It needs addressing. (Trying very hard not to use the S-word here – it is not working. SO MUCH TO DO!)

– On liking me: sometimes I like myself and like the feeling within me where I think I reside. I am starting to really like people sometimes and not worry about their flaws. Yes, sorry, sorry, ‘really like people’ sounds awful but well, I am saying it like it is. I had/have difficulty with that. And, in my arrogance I think a lot of people have that but do not want to recognise it. Saying it like it is sometimes helps others. I have had 3 moms admitting to me that they have been so depressed that they hated their babies and really felt like they wanted to kill them. Which in itself is a BAD IDEA but having the possibility to speak about it did take the pressure of it and allowed  them to continue and find a happy path. (And yes, you could worry about my choice in friends 😉 ) People tell me a lot of shit because they trust I will not laugh at them because I am familiar with the insane part of living.

– On openness about drinking and not drinking. I still stick to the story that I get depressed from drinking which is true. If people ask how much I used to drink I answer with: well, more than your GP would advice. Because I thought that drinking was my problem and I did not want it to ruin friendships and other relations I have not been drinking a lot in public over the last years. So now people don’t even congratulate me on not drinking. Everybody sort of thinks it is part of my many funny food issues that I have displayed over the last years. I got a mail from the friend I am visiting this evening: Could you please mail me what you do and do not eat and drink (now)? And what you would like (instead)? :-D. He’s joking with that, but we both know it is true as well. So by now I can actually freely speak of not drinking and my new discoveries with friends. And that is good. 🙂

Everybody is more surprised when I say that I still write 4 hours per day in my diary – that would be blog reading and writing. I guess they are surprised that I STILL do it, not that I do it. And I am guessing that says something about their expectations of my (lack of) stamina :-(. Everybody is happy that I am happy again. I get a lot of compliments over having changed for the better. Like my eyes have lost the look of despair and depression. I am still rather emotional and cry easily but as long as I do not act like that is an issue other people seem to be ok with it too. It’s not the sobbing crying, just the tears leaking silently.

– On clarity: I notice  that I am less clear lately. My affinity with telepathy is improving, specifically with those friends who have affinity for that as well but my head feels unclear. Must be the sugar. Must be eating the sugar because I rather hide than be clear. I have done little soul-searching the last days. I was thinking I spend most of my thoughts on being sober and if I wanted to get back into life I should not do that. In order to break the ‘thinking about not drinking’ I started watching Netflix. It has broken. But I am not content with the result because I am not living yet. Ghegheghe… yes, well, looking back at those sentences I can only say: why would you expect to start living again if you watch Netflix 6 hours a day? %$#@!!! Gheghegheghe…. I am guessing I am pretty new at living. Not taking the right steps yet. It is scary that things are sometimes only logical in hindsight. They say that learning is making sure that the process that takes place in hindsight now gets moved backward (or forward if you like) in the timeline so the experience becomes apparent BEFORE doing something stupid. I would like that. But I guess there would be nothing left to be happy about.

I am happy that I quit. Sometimes it is difficult to notice that every day I discover new areas that need addressing. Longing for perfection being one of them….. 😉 As long as I have some major ‘improvements’ or insights in how things work I am ok with it. Otherwise it is depressing. But in moments that are depressing I have never thought that I might as well go back to drinking ‘because nothing has changed anyhow’. But I am aware that if I do not proceed in life that feeling will come and it might become strong too. So I am doing all this internal growth sometimes in peace, sometimes with a perceived baseball bat in my neck that is waiting to break my neck if I slow down. That causes some tension. I guess it is how I visualise perfection.

What I need: I need to take care of myself. I have let go. I need to return to taking care. 🙂

I wish you a sober, clear, insightful, loving, happy that you quit Christmas.

On preaching and singing

What have I been up to? Today I was infected with a preaching streak and I went to singing lesson which was beautiful again.

On the preaching: I had had it with people blowing their own heads off with thinking about drinking or in fact drinking. I could not deal anymore but I had not noticed that. I was concerned and, I should not be lying, I was irritated with the way they ‘fooled themselves and made their sober blog into a platform for addictive thinking along the way’. Yes, arrogant. I know. Sorry 😦 Who am I with my 3,5 months sober to tell others what to do and what not to do or say or write? I don’t know. I just got mad, but in the first reply I did not even know I was mad because my online mad like flame-mad was very tiny in comparison to when I was drinking. It was 1/10th of what I would ‘normally’ feel. That would be ‘drunk normal’.

Years ago I had learned the hard way to recognise an inflammatory preaching mode but I had not had this experience while being sober. So…. Ellie got the full blast. Sorry again :-(. And then I actually repeated it on Empty 12 pack. By that time my cat came to warn me because she could hear by my rattling on the keyboard that I was upset and then she comes to save me. :-). It worked out Empty 12 pack could do with a hiding so pffff…. This is where I got off the hook. More luck than judgment for me.

Preaching, what is it to me? First it is a character trait that pops up easily and I am ashamed of. But the other side of the medal is my ability to teach and I have, with smaller groups, gotten straight A’s for that in questionnaires. So it is part of me, but I do not always apply it correctly. I have put my ‘stop trigger’ on sensing that I apply force. Nudging is ok, students actually appreciate that most of the time, applying force is not good. There is a tiny loophole: applying force is not good….. unless I think I am in the right and other people should be informed for their own good and then, subsequently I think force, specifically from me, is VERY GOOD. Really, the loophole is very tiny. The results are sometimes disastrous. 😦

The hole is in the ‘want to take care’ I guess. Taking care without being asked equals assuming that the other person is stupid and I know it better. I’m walking in circles; problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.  Can anybody tell me, in- or excluding the words ‘arrogance’ and ‘not good’ how and why on the subject of taking care or preaching? I am sorry, I can’t work it out. I guess I preach.

I’m doing other subject here. Can’t work it out. We had singing lesson today. Well, it is not really singing lesson but more ‘free your voice’ with all therapeutically correct assignments and a tiny bit of speaking about the experiences. Today we practised ‘sing your own tune’ but all together in a group. We were scattered over the class room and I always take care to stand as far away as possible. Yes… issues… I know. Again today, but something changed and I wanted to be with the rest, so I actually moved towards the rest of the group and enjoyed that. NEW!!! I know for most of you this is futile. To me it was BIG. 🙂

We continued with an excercise on lamenting. Is that the correct word? Singing with and about sorrow like women from the Middle East do during a funeral. Well, we were not that outspoken or skilled, but everybodies tone and song did carry grief. Imagine that we sit down and ‘lament away’ in a tune that each person makes up in that second. 🙂 That was scary shit. But very good, it is a good group, the group can actually carry this without starting to giggle or feel awkward. Once you let go of the ‘we don’t do that here thank you’ position it worked out to be very special. We all had a few solo lament and it was very powerful, very freeing. Nobody used words but the realisation that the grief could be heard and carried by the group. Very powerful, very connected.

Since I was preaching I might as well brag today too: I sang a solo and it was beautiful. Solo singing is standing in front of the group and singing sounds that pop up or develop in your head at that moment. The teacher then follows and supports with the piano. I guess I sang on the condition humaine but there is also an opposite to that, not sure what it is called, or if it has a name; something like hope, but less single minded. Maybe trust. I mixed them, thinking of my deceased mother, singing for her. And it was a beautiful experience to let that flow, people cried, I cried. Loads and loads of shit going on sobriety. Good stuff. Difficult stuff. Healing stuff. This group of extra-ordinary women can carry so much, very impressive. I felt heard, supported, safe. Happy that I quit.

And then I came home and my yogi tea label said: Awake from the illusion of separateness.

❤ ❤ ❤

Changes, changes…

Hi! 🙂 Hope to find you well. I haven’t been feeling like writing and I still don’t but I think that I should try a little just to see what comes up. I never know with me. I might be hiding important stuff from me just because I don’t feel like knowing it.

Yeah. Big things have been happening. Big changes in me but there were so much of them that it was overwhelming and I did not even know where to start so I did not. Going to try now.

The friend I have called the nutritionist friend introduced me to the concept of not using the word ‘should’. Right at that moment I realised how much of my life’s energy is stuck in that concept. It felt like I encase myself in this tremendous wall of things that I should do and don’t do and then berate myself over. It feels like a 30 cm (12 inch) thick wall of heavy fog all around me, almost concrete, that heavy. No wonder I feel stuck. And… with noticing it and realising the construction that keeps it there, I also managed to let go for a tenth of a second…. it gave me an insight in the overwhelmingly big world that lies behind this wall of fog and my need to hide.

I trust biology and our Creators; whatever good or bad we have in ourself, it is there for a reason. Me getting stuck is not good or productive but somewhere there must be a reason  that I prefer to be stuck or it would not happen. I might not be aware of it but somehow, somewhere I think I win with this behaviour. Being an ex(?)-addict it is probably a quick fix and short time goal I am serving with it, but the idea of the fix is there and I think by now I have learned that I can not leave destructive behaviour if I do not understand what I do when doing it and feel my way through it while understanding it. I learn by reading, thinking, listening, speaking and while doing that feeling my way through. Through actually means ‘out’ in most cases. Feel my way out of the problem into clear living.

I learn best when things change in my cells too. Does that make sense? Do you know an insight in something can be so big that your whole body reacts? Like a reaction is set of in all your cells? Learning in such a way that your whole body understands what is good and what is wrong. Learning in such a way that you never feel like you did before because something has changed at cell level? This has happened in a bad way but lately it is happening in a good way very often and pfiew, it takes time to let things settle. And if anybody knows of a book that can put more scientific words to this process I would really like to know.

About the should word. I did not take time to let it settle in my body which is a shame because I needed that insight. Next time I will take care and say something like ‘I need to sit with this feeling for a while.’ So it can settle better. I should have (hahaha) taken the time to let that realisation settle in my cells.

Other insights? Yes! Every now and then the fog between me and the mess in my house lifts and I really see it for what it is. Quite overwhelming. Have I done anything about it? Not a lot yet, but is really getting on my nerves by now and my body is rebelling against it. I have started cleaning more, still keeping up making the bed in the morning, cleaning the sheets more often, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen more often than I ever did.

I needed to do some tiny admin stuff and suddenly I realised how tiny they were and I just did it. No promises for the future.

There is a thing: I can not deal with pressure and expectations. Or I never could and now I realise it. Any expectation puts an enormous amount of pressure onto me. Like ‘You’ll work it out.’ Or ‘You’ll have a job in no time.’ Or my GP3: ‘If you can’t walk 30 minutes, start with 5 and build it up.’ NOOOOOOOOO!!!! So I am doing an experiment on me. Based on the thought that I know what is good for me AND that nature will provide. The first one is clear all though one could argue that an ex-addict does not know what is good or bad. I’m not going to, because I got into this shit with not listening to me and not aligning myself with whatever my true me is and I am practising not doing that anymore. Actually I have shipped out so much rubbish already that I am not me anymore. THAT is a major change as well. No I’ve not become psychotic or what have you. Last week I had this revelation of realising that becoming sober was not going to feel like ‘me with some changes’. If I want to get sober (am) and clear (am not yet) I need to change. My ideas, my frames, my concepts, my approaches, my intentions and my speed needs to change. I need to clean out the rubbish, mend things, clean things up, heal. And that does not go happen if I hang on to who I was and what I like to feel like.

My ‘preferred’ state of being is anxious, with some kind of doom awaiting me, always. With loads of sadness and loss and happiness that is almost directly smothered in that sadness. Not directly, then there would be no effect, just almost directly so I can still feel the happiness but it is gone in seconds, creating even more sadness. Well. I guess that is not what I want. So me with some changes is not happening, the changes are so big that the me is changing too. Which is good. When getting sober and longing to be clear I never knew it would go so deep.

Also my body does not like fast food anymore. I had a decent pizza from a real Italian today; brrrrrr. My body starts to object. That feeling is 500 years old, no, ok, 20 years old? I am starting to dislike the taste of my favorite chocolate. The ‘what else is left’ (add some drama here….) thought keeps me with it. No coffee, no black or green tea, no soda, no sugar apart from very pure chocolate. I know the key is in the not longing but I can’t get there yet and I don’t think I should practise that now. It’s too early. It takes the brain 4 months to re-route the neural pathways of reward from alcohol to something else. I’ve hooked it to chocolate, watching a movie, sleeping, taking a bath and… being alone. It is actually contact with people that makes me want to drink. So maybe I should be a shepard or a writer or so or a train driver.

Ooh, and another big thing on Perfection. I always thought perfection was about doing stuff perfect or not doing them (I do the last… ). But it is about WANTING them and specifically me TO BE PERFECT and NEEDING things to be FIXED, preferably in NO TIME. And the struggling I did with that: ‘Not being able to be perfect is ok, in itself, for others….’ 😀 I always thought that I, well still think, that I am living to be perfect later. And in light of that image it is no use to do anything actually. Why bother? Not going to be enough anyhow. Well, that is a bit of a downer but I was in a very good mood when I discovered that is how I actually think. NOT a constructive concept. I need to fix that immediately….. 😉 I am guessing I will have to learn something about the subject of perfection but that can wait till I have a library card I guess.

I am amazed how many subjects I encounter in my life automatically, or ‘naturally’ that are standard addict issues.

And of course there was the singing lesson. It was wonderful again. There was an excercise where one person stood behind the other. The first had her hands crossed over her heart and the person standing closely behind had her hands in a supporting way under the elbows of the person in front. Both would sing their own tune (made up tones, notes, rhythms) and pay attention to what was happening. The funny thing is that the singing of a pair aligns pretty quickly and becomes a harmony and…. the arms of the person in front open up. I ended up being so grateful that I had my hands stretched out, palms up in a gesture that is both giving and receiving.

During the excercise I had some floating issues with the intimacy (it is actually pretty close and intimate) but I was able to let that be and enjoy the excercise and really experience, well, it sounds funny, but the power of love. My heart opened up and it felt like there was this beautiful white light beaming through our hearts, so peaceful and loving. The room changed into a forest and my hands opened up and it felt like a flower unfolding.

Then we shared and the person I did the excercise with said: it felt like we were in a forest, and it was beautiful and light and then when her arms opened it felt like a flower unfolding.

Isn’t that amazing? I cried happy tears when I heard that. There is so much more in the contact between people than is commonly known or spoken about. I’ve experienced before that feelings, dreams and even thoughts communicate without words through senses that I do not know the name of. Is it me? No, I am guessing this happens to everybody but I think not everybody is aware of it or comes in situations where they are able to experience it.

What was big for me is that my heart worked. My heart chakra (?) has been stuck for years and now it opened up and flowed and that was good. Thankful and happy. So many good things happening. Also: I only once of twice did a tiny leap into sadness or blocking the happiness with sad thoughts. I did do a little blocking with being uncomfortable but that washed away in the happiness too.

I go to bed earlier. Because I want it. And even if there’s part of me whining on wanting to finish this movie or that episode. But possibly also because I do not blog in the evening anymore. I’ve set my alarm again. I’ve biked in the nasty weather today for 15 km while I could have easily cancelled.

One thing I am not so proud of: I can not stand to be with certain people anymore. People that I perceive as having a negative energy. Don’t know how to keep it outside me and it scares me. And I can’t read anything that I perceive as whining and moaning or not searching for truth. Not sure if this is another phase in having to deal with projecting my own dark side on others or that I am choosing to live healthier and therefore want to stay away from ‘bad’ people. Or both. If you have an inkling as to how this might work I am happy to hear from you. Happy to hear from you anyway but I still do not imagine people actually read entries that are this long. 😀

Happy that I quit, although the happy is now moving towards happy that I experience things differently now I quit so the enormously-relieved-that-I-quit feeling is slowly being replaced by the results of the quitting. And so does the pride. Pride comes up ever so now and then when I get an insight in stuff that I knew I would never have been be able to deal with when drinking. And when I get a compliment about having quit.

And before I push the send button just a quick Ctrl-F on the world ‘should’. I counted 9 in total of which 3 unconsciously / outside the ‘should’ paragraphs.

Me, with some changes, or….?

I never consciously knew that I had thoughts on how I would be after getting sober or when I get to being clear or transparent. I found out I did and up to yesterday I thought it would feel like: me with some changes. Yesterday I found that this specific feeling of ‘me’, or that what I identify with, is actually part of the problem.

What happened? What happened was that my SIL spoke out her worries about me not having an income and living on what’s left of my savings. We were in the car, on the way to the railway station. My SIL started this ‘I shall help you’ conversation and it spun out of control within 3 sentences. I got so cornered that I (finally?) spoke my mind on the subject. ‘I KNOW I am not doing well. I KNOW I need to focus on money but NO it is not working yet. My memory problem is gone and I feel I could maybe work 2 or maybe 3 days in a week, nothing intelligent. But that is it. I know I am NOT functioning yet and YES I DO want and need help but in saying that I do NOT like to speak with you or X or Y on the subject because all I hear is YOUR panic. You are not listening, you start a conversation to inform me of your concerns and it is too much for me because I can not even carry myself! And now I need to deal with your concerns and panic too.’

‘We are listening to you but you just don’t seem to do what we think is right’.

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Now that is a sentence I thought I would not ever hear again after my mother died. And you know what? I finally replied. Sorry for my SIL. I was mostly able to focus this decennia old anger and let it fuel my persistence and thoughts instead of wanting to lash out and hurt my SIL. However….

‘NO! Exactly that sentence explains how you are listening to me! You do not really listen! Before you even listen to what I want to say on the subject I get overwhelmed by your view, your panic and 10.001 pieces of advice that I don’t even know how to apply because I do not even know where I stand, what I feel and what is wrong with me. If anything I need help finding out that stuff first before I get dragged away in solutions. I lose myself there.’

Lovely SIL replied: ‘Yes, I am sorry, you are right.’

‘Thank you…..’

‘I already made important steps towards a healthy and complete living which is not drinking and eating healthy but things just don’t go very quickly. I came from a very dark place. I do not repair easily, that’s one of my things; carry hurtful stuff around way too long. Well, I am already very happy that I wake up singing instead of wanting to jump of the building. That is a big step I have accomplished. But it takes a lot of energy to stay balanced and not fall back into the darkness where I came from. I know things really need to change, I do not want to go back where I came from. Ever. I have made a few big steps already but it is just not easy, it is not a quick fix. And please do not put pressure on me because I just can not bear it. I know it is hard and I think I know you feel helpless, I feel helpless. But can we please stay there and please, I’d rather experience helplessness for what it is than both of us running around in panic. I just can not deal with that.’

And that is how we left because the train was going. I in a mix of sadness, anger, guilt and my SIL in something similar I am guessing.

Got the train, went home and cried. And then there was this thought: ‘You have just spoken out against a very bad system of connecting that has run in the family for years. You just stood up for yourself because you do not want to be smothered in care because you know it is not a good road to travel. Why are you sad? Do not put sadness between you and the world.‘ And I tried to let go of the pain and sadness. And I was proud of how I walked the straight line of caring for me and speaking up. I was proud of my clear expression and because I had spoken my heart clearly there where it was difficult before.

And I could breathe and suddenly felt all this space, freedom and happiness within me. This is so NEW!!! I could not even identify with it. And that is where I thought: the clear me is not ‘me with some changes’. It is also letting go of the sadness, pain and fear that I identify with and reconnect differently. Most likely the ‘final’ me will not feel like the me I am now. Which is scary but I am also looking forward to it.

SIL and I texted today and both said sorry for what needed a sorry and will speak later.

Still reading and psychological changes

Still reading Tommy Rosen’s ‘Recovery 2.0’. By now I guess you must be thinking that I read rather slowly. I do, I do. I want to know for sure that I did not read past sentences because I know me: resistance is big 🙂 and because of the denial I never know when it pops up. I have a highly developed capacity for looking away so… keeping me on a leash here and reading slowly and for the first time in my life actually marking sentences in a book! Well, in pencil. The book makes me happy and things fall into place. Up to now he describes his journey and his methode to feel his way back into life. I was already doing a some of the stuff which is why I am so happy I am reading this book: obviously my ‘feeling my way back method’ does somehow make sense. 🙂 And thankful that somebody went the road before me and puts things into place.

Suddenly I am very much drawn to mandalas. Not sure how this mandala fits in here but to me it does. To me it feels as what I am doing and how that relates to the universe.

Funny changes: since I started reading this book I am behind the screen a lot less. I just don’t like it anymore, it feels wrong. Rosen speaks of the ‘frequency of addiction’ –  I know exactly what he means and how it feels, I just did not know it had a name. It is what I dislike VERY MUCH and I guess it is my biggest motivation for wanting to be clear. And now I know why my goal is not ‘not drinking’ my goal has always been ‘being clear’, not drinking is part of that.

Well, the other thing that happens spontaneously is that I am (yes, up front very sorry to say this but I promised myself not to edit and I would edit if I would leave this out) not interested anymore in sober blog reading or writing for that matter. My ayahuasca spirit has revisited and repeats back from years ago: ‘All these opinions, don’t go there, it is not important.’  Which is what she said to me when doing my first or second ayahuasca sessions years ago. Guessing she is right. I am starting to want to listen to this internal voice more and more and make time for it. Hope is it not a ‘wandering off in seclusion thing’. Let’s see how this develops and how I will continue to develop if I don’t write stuff down. (There’s this voice saying: you might want to start connecting with people in real life….) Odd…. 😀

Next: I am starting to really see the clutter in my house and really notice how this system of looking away from it works. I am trying to keep my attention there where it hurts but that does not work yet. Not going to force it (ghegheghe) I am cleaning way more than I have don over the last, say 2 years? And not only ‘because someone is coming’.

Important questions these days: ‘What is your favorite way to spend time?’

Answer at any moment: ‘So why are you in front of the computer now?’

I am not sure anymore if I am happy that I quit because the big negatives are sort of disappearing out of sight. However, last night I dreamed that I forgot I had quit and drank a glass of wine at a party and WHAAAAA I wanted the whole bottle and remembered: O yeah, that’s what it was like…. let’s not do that.

That’s were I am sometimes: either in mandala land happily learning stuff or in purgatory, in the hell that is not hell but deals an eternal suffering because there is time but no movement. So time passes but nothing happens, no consequences but no growth and improvements either. Guessing that is where I weigh my actions, systems, blockages, all that what keeps me away from living. Sometimes it irritates me, sometimes I am ok with my stalling. I’m going fast enough as it is. Purgatory does have a function. The path is the destination even though it sometimes looks like this:

Well, if that is what it is, that is what it is.

Post Scriptum: Looked up the person in the mandala online. Wiki says: She is an Anuttarayoga Tantra iṣṭadevatā and her practice includes methods for preventing ordinary death, intermediate state (bardo) and rebirth (by transforming them into paths to enlightenment), and for transforming all mundane daily experiences into higher spiritual paths^.

Preventing ordinary death by quitting drinking – check!

In bardo – check! It’s funny that I write about purgatory which well, could be seen as the Christian name for bardo in the one post with the mandala that I know shit about. The Universe is amazing now I quit drinking :-).

Transforming mundane experiences into higher spiritual paths – check! The path is the destination. All what comes is what should be.