Edit 8 hours later: reading back this is the vaguest post I have ever written, if that is even possible, but eh… some funny conclusions in the end in the ‘I need’ and the ‘3 Things to be grateful for’. It is so funny how these repetitive questions again and again bring original answers. When I ask these questions I never know what the answer will be. Todays answers are those of a new era.
In 3 weeks it is my 1 year anniversary, well, assuming I get there without drinking alcohol before. Which I assume but hey, this is an addiction so it is better not to look ahead and stretch myself thin. But I do. I do look ahead and I do stretch myself thin and I do anticipate catastrophe – not sure what it looks like yet though. So I do as I always do, sit down and write about it to see what comes up.
I changed my mind not going to look at that, or maybe this is what came up. Not sure. 🙂 I go back to focussing on being happy that I quit because when I am there is no issue. I do worry since a few months that I’m not over the top happy that I quit anymore. But maybe I had a serious case of the pink clouds earlier this year :-). I am guessing that feeling really happy pulled me trough the first days, weeks, months which people say are the hardest. Looking back I do not remember any irresistable urges or cravings. Some people have problems with the not drinking. I have more problems with the living sober.
Or possibly, I might come to rephrase that by now: I have problems living in the society as it is. With the given I have, I can’t find my way. I keep on needing to change my reaction to, relation to society; work, money, admin, living, food, agriculture, meat, health, people, man (!), sex (non existent but still), emotional safety, connection, family, environment, general history, family history, family dynamics, emancipation of woman, men and children, politics, GMO, religion, ayahuasca, drugs, alcohol, addiction, my addictive personality, sugar, addiction transfer to ‘love’, transfer of emotions as a system in itself, the health of my cat, advertising, appearance, poverty, systems of abuse and suppression, forgiving, gratitude, meditation, love, hate, knowledge, transparency, destruction, attention, group dynamics, black and white and shades of grey, inside and outside, magic, coincidence, worlds, responsibility, walls, doors, control, rigidity, ease, sustainability, illusion, truth, power, realization, ignorance, consciousness, ubuntu, perfection, criticism, giving and receiving, closing and opening, speaking and listening, growing and destructing, seeing, mystifying and demystifying, expectation and reality. Everything is changing because I am changing.
I feel I see things in the world more clearly but still have no clue of where I am or where I am heading. I now know a lot of what I do not want, but I do not know what I do want. And even the ‘things’ I ‘do’ ‘want’ (book store man) are not really what I want. It is all a mist, a transfer of addiction. I’ve had enough of the moaning about that btw. Met him yesterday for 5 minutes, he’s in a dark place and excluding me. Which is good and logical because my intentions in this are wavering an unclear and I do not even want to be there where I am in that. So… be done with it Feeling, go back to your own place.Truth is hard to bear sometimes.
And then, separate from this addiction transfer there is the poor me part which maybe needs addressing some time because I am feeling it is not helpful anymore to hide but I don’t dare to. Everything is so new. I feel the world is running through me and I still attach to the pain which I feel deeper now I am sober. I also feel the beauty deeper but I have this focus on pain and sadness.
I notice I still have this tendency to sabotage myself before anybody else does. Yesterday I felt it has to do with family dynamics. I can not stand up right because I would call bullshit on our family. (And in that, do you notice the use of the word ‘our’? I would be surprised if in any of the 309 posts up to now I have mentioned ‘our’ and ‘family’ in one sentence. Ghegheghe. Interesting.) In order for my family to function I need to step down and not stand and walk upright. For me to be able to walk upright is to point out the ugliness of the situation of the marriage between my mother and father. That is the function shame has in our family. The group needs to stay together, in order to do that members need to adjust, to fit in.
I need to detach myself, be independent, cut the umbilical cord. And that would make me see what is not allowed to be seen. I do not want to live in this darkness anymore. I want to be able to walk upright, I want to be able to let go. I am feeling like dealing with this is very much like Richard Rahl revealing the statue of himself and Kahlan in the city of Altur’Rang (Faith of the Fallen, book 6 in the series Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind). In this book Richard is enslaved in a world where beauty is forbidden because enjoying beauty would ‘elevate one above the other’ and that would pervert society so instead they worships and practise misery.
I have the sudden ‘insight’ (?) that detaching myself from this ugliness is an important part of my reason for being born in this family. To hold up the mirror to their destruction. To refuse to carry their shame. I did not do that. I went into general and self-destructive mode. Need to get addicted and sober to come back to this realisation. Now I understand my anger towards them from early age on and the intensity of my refusal of them. I did not want to ‘take them in’ or ‘be with them’ because they sowed shame. This is why I need to be alone. Otherwise I would find shelter with the other and not notice what was going on. 🙂 / 😦 It is funny how letting go of pain makes room for insight. Not sure if this post is done but it is enough for today.
I am happy that I quit. Not sure why but it seems to be the path I’m walking.
I need: no clue what I need, or I feel I need nothing. Not sure which.
I want: pfff, no clue either. Hmmm, get outside, finally (!!!) buy a new tea sieve.
I take: Ayurvedic pills and still chocolate. My eating has improved though, real meals from real recipes with posts on Facebook :-).
3 Things; 1 this post and the insights, 2 life :-), 3 myself.
Discipline: things will come when they come. I went to bed at 0:00 yesterday. Which is 2 hours before I did in the last 2-3 weeks. Aiming at 23:45 today.
I hope you have a nice day. :_0