I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. 🙂

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. 🙂 Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

Sugar’s secret message about holiday longings

This post on sugar and longing made me cry. Insight, love, healing. Many thanks to Karly for writing it. ❤ Have a read. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Sugar is not the enemy, but a mirror that reveals our relationship to our human neediness. It beckons us to heal the shame we carry about needing love.

Source: Sugar’s secret message about holiday longings

The price I pay for staying in lalaland

candyland1These last few days I have been very much confronted with the price I pay for having stayed in Lalaland too long. The above picture is one of lalaland, sort of how it came to me in an Ayahuasca session. I guess what hurts me the most is that, as I wrote this morning, I did not properly say goodbye to my mom. Well, of course I was sober when with her, apart for one time :-/, but I feel I did not get to let go of the grieve correctly. When she died I was already addicted. Which is easy to say because I was addicted from drink one. I think around that time I drank 3-4 nights a week 3-4 pints. With ever so now and then waaaaaay more. I notice that there are layers within me that do not know she’s dead yet. That hurts.

And I feel guilty I blew a fortune of halve a house on what worked out to be ‘trying to set up a company’ in a consumer goods. I am not a flashy consumer marketer. I am an engineer. I should stick with that. Two third of that money was inheritance and one-third of that money was my own but still… I blew it because I was drinking. If I was not I might have pulled the plug out earlier or worked on it more effectively.

Because of the moving into another line of work I let go of my old contacts and network. Not smart. And now I feel too ‘labelled’ with misfortune (and my own label ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’) that I do not have the guts to contact them. I guess it will take time before I feel sure enough on my business feet to face these people.

I wrecked my body but what worries me more is that I wrecked my brain. I’m not sure if it is really damaged but I still have this addicty attitude of ‘not wanting to be in the moment’ and I think because of that I register things badly. And I feel so insecure about it that it cripples me when speaking with people of my profession.The price I pay.

I also feel guilty of drinking when the cat got her litter. I had promised myself to not drink 10 days around her date but I made it to day 4 and then drank 2 days half and the 3rd day I had 3 pints and they were born that night. I felt so guilty about that that I was stressed and that stressed the cat too. She was doing fine and suddenly she looked up to me totally insecure asking me ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I immediately realised then that I was just radiating insecurity and fear and she picked up on it. It did teach me a lot, and nothing went wrong but still. It was not good.

And I did loads of stupid things when I was an angry young women. Mostly self destructive stupid things but no matter what, that dragged people around me into the atmosphere of my addiction too. Now I’m just an angry older women.

That’s another point: the not processing of emotions. I spent thousands on therapy and courses which, I don’t know but I guess they would have been twice, three times, ten times as effective if I had not drunk. Not that I drank during the day, but sometimes, with difficult things, I would drink the evening before and the evening after. So… I know now that takes away from the learning effect. Then I just wanted to ‘feel safe’. Which is the nice version of ‘not feel’. And there’s more, but this is a difficult post and I just want to get to bed.

I fear: everything I take: nothing I want: to sleep and not wake up. Wow! (No, not really, just mentioning a tendency, what gets reflected back when I ask. Strange day it is today. I am at 11 or 12 days no sugar and getting bored with what I am eating because I’ve lost interest due to the lack of cravings because I now have a (more) stable blood sugar level. Also, I shop cheap in order to safe money so I don’t get all the tasty expensive stuff. I need to look into that because I have learned that this boredom is the beginning of something bingy coming up. Yes, something bingy coming up: somewhere at 17:00 ish I decided that I had earned sugar. I found that a funny addicty description but I took ginger ale (ale, not the cordial) 1/5 and mixed it with sparking water. I took one sip and felt it going down and it felt bad. Bad, bad, bad. And that is the price I pay for being in lalaland too long: weird shit going on with my health and not enough intellectual stability to deal with that.

Funny enough something in me (it felt like my body) was trying to convince me to take it and I wondered, is this how it would feel to drink alcohol? Feel stupid, feel that it is wrong and still want it? I stuck with the ‘how does it feel’ and put the glas away. And haha, there it comes: I picked it up just in order to see if it still tasted bad. Now THAT is familiar, but in my life only recognisable in others: this is how little kids learn. Tell them they are not allowed to do something and they will test another 2 times if you were serious. Somebody once told me that is not lack of respect or being stupid, it is just how we are wired.

So, I sat down, seeing what would happen, trying to inform myself that sugar is not the same as alcohol and that I should wind down. Did not work. Then I realised that this ‘lapse, relapse, collapse’ thought has very much settled in my brain against my will. I fear that thought itself. Like walking around with a time bomb. I have difficulty dealing with it because it undermines my idea of control (very addicty) but yes, it undermines my idea of control and that is very uncomfortable when it comes to booze. But while I was trying to think, didn’t go very well because of the fear, I wondered: ‘What if it were alcohol? It is not even alcohol and you have difficulty putting it away even though it does not go down well at all. You have tasted it, found that it was foul and still you are yearning? What is going on?’ (parts of me speak to me :-D)

Nothing big happened there apart from me realising that I did think it was awful so why the heck would I drink it? I did not. It did not bother me anymore after I connected with how I had felt. I guess I should practise that because it feels like there is truth in that.

So, I had a shitty day workwise, I DELETED a file for a course / book I had been working on for a few hours. I mean, last time that happened was when I was, what 25? But then found a better way to do the file anew so that was fixed in no time. Maybe that was good, but it did not feel good. I was very tired after that. I think it was good I had the reconnect to feeling with the sugar drink experience. Even though it does sound I have gone over the top with my food things. You know, I do think that I have, but I feel I am not there where I need to be with my health so I continue searching. I do want to get rid of the worries about it, trust my body, but that is hard.

I am happy that I quit in a sort of obligatory (is that the right word?) way. Not really feeling it. That is because I feel little progress. Which is why progress is good. When I feel progress I feel alive and I don’t worry about the happy or not. Meh, too tired, need to get to bed. And again I did not get to the 3 things good. Isn’t that… informative. :-/ Another good thing: the cat is going outside again. No, a thing about me. I enjoyed a real nice apple today. 🙂 It was an ecological Granny Smith from Italy. I normally only like these when they are from Argentina, in the season, but this one was very good. 🙂 And I guess that detailed moaning and comparing is making me miserable. Pfffff. I should practise enjoying good things.

Hope you have a GOOD day or evening. 🙂 xx, Feeling

It takes 8 months

This man got a bike that goes right when he turns left and visa versa. It took him 8 months to learn to ride it. And then it took him 20 minutes to learn to ride a normal bike again. I am not sure I agree with his explanation but I do think it has an analogy with addiction. Or no matter what: it is fun :-).

I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘shit I really need to get a move on and pfiew glad I don’t drink anymore’ kind of way. I am trying to get back to the profoundly happy that I quit but worries get in the way. Now I try to separate the worries from being happy. Logically they are not linked. My mother had cancer and it was breaking down her body. She was still happy, she had learned to separate these. (And I guess she did a lot of hiding her fear and stress….) I miss her so much. I guess this is the hardest part of the price I pay for having spent so much time in lalaland: not having closed the dealing with her death. I thought I had, but the hurt of her going is still there, the unfinished business. More and more I get the feeling to ‘Oooh, I’ll call my mother.’ and then realise she is not here anymore.

I fear: well pffff, shitloads.

I want: to have breakfast

I need: to have breakfast

I take: nothing, just fully sugarless. Less fog but not the clarity I remember from when I was 19. (Ghegheghe….)

Things that went well: the work I am doing, what I do is good. Working with consumers is different: they all want a piece of me, I get e-mails as long as my posts discussing technical things. That is rather tiring. There are a few things that I follow up on and that continue to just go well. I should be proud of / happy with kicking the sugar but somehow I think I should not have get hooked at the first place. Hmmm :-/

And there is something funny going on: I keep on meeting up people who have no money at all and are generally in a rut. Walking along the wrong energy lines here. 🙂 Let’s see how to deal with that.

And with writing that I did not even come to the 3rd thing that is going well. This talking stuff down is pretty much alive in me. Well, with writing down 3 things that are going well or that I have done well I realise that I am never content and always think I should have done better. That revelation is sinking in by now. That is good, in a sad way. Doing it again! My god this is difficult. I guess I need to watch the video again: it takes 8 months to unlearn a pattern if once practises every day. I will add ‘things that go well’ to the list on my egg timer. The current list is ‘stand up straight’ (I try to work standing at least half of the day), ‘shoulders back’ and ‘breathe’. One thing that I did good: type a post. 🙂

I hope you have a happy sober / clean day or evening!

xx, Feeling

Yeah, 1,5 kilo down!

Yeah, 4-5 days continuously without sugar and I lost 1,5 kilo without changing anything else in my ‘diet’. Eh….. 30 to go. 😀 No… not. I am happy that I quit sugar. And I am guessing you will be happy that I quit moaning about it. Progress is good, it makes me happy. Happy is good, it keeps me from drinking. Well, not that I think I would drink if I was unhappy. Not sure, it is an addiction after all. But ha! I don’t have to worry about it because I am making progress and I am happy and I am not there where I would like to drink so no worry. 🙂 🙂 🙂

I just noticed that I am pretty exact-like in anything, boring and possibly shocking people with details on anything but I never told anybody how much I weigh. Funny isn’t it. There must be a taboo there. Let’s see what happens if I let the beast out: I am 1,67 and 82 kilo’s now. I come from 87,5 kilo’s. Ha, it very much feels like it is none of your business (sorry, this is an experiment) and I feel uncomfortable mentioning it :-D. My mind is making up all kinds of things why I should not mention it. Funny how I wrote in my ‘About’ exactly how much I drank because I need that out there to ‘come clean’ and I am hiding my weight. It feels the same but is it? Not sure. Does knowing my weight change anything for you? (You are allowed to say that you are happy that I am fatter than you :-D)

I am happy that I quit. Because otherwise I would be in the same trouble but have not way to figure it out.

I am happy that I quit sugar, not doing it 100% strict but 99%, and that is good. And no pressure. Just see how it goes. I think today I am happy because the fog is leaving and also because I DID IT!! It is so peaceful to not having to hide from the talking that says ‘I should actually quit’. Why worry so much: I have a mild version of hypoglycemia and diabetes runs in my family so obviously our build is such that we do not stomach sugar well. And it gets me sooooo depressed when eaten in large quantities. Ooh, and I am an addict so I can only do the black or white, not the grey and not the moderation.

I am proud of having done that, I am proud of how I have, in the last days tried to find ways to lower my BP, exercise, Falun Dafa, relaxation, be with people, go to bed on time, breathe, lessen the screen time.

I want: everything to be easy, no I would be lost if that was the case. :-/ Hmmmmm.. food for thought.

I need: to get a move on but without the stress and since I can not yet do that I need to take it one step at the time. And I guess that is EXACTLY the lesson that is in there. Hmmm.

I fear: the same shit. And I fear that I, by now (actually by a month ago) have started really boring you with my non developments and moaning.

I take: a few salts on high BP.

I hope you have a nice day / evening / night!

xx, Feeling

Sugar….. eating away at my confidence and Rosy Kuhn

Again I have fallen into the sugar trap. This time with 2 pieces of chocolate but Grrrrrr!!!! I would not have thought this could influence me but obviously it is the fluctuation in sugar levels that gets to me. Constantly 5 pieces of chocolate does not have an effect. No sugar for a week and then to 2 pieces does have an effect.

Feeling down, depressed, feeling like I have been drinking (for the record: I have not), feeling lousy, useless, berating myself at high speed; waste of space. Feel like I wanna give in and nothing matters anymore. Fuck I hate this. I’ve been here before and shit I don’t want to be here.

It is half an hour later. I learned from  watching Recover 2.0 online conference where Tommy Rosen speaks with Dr. Rosy Kuhn. She says something along the lines of: we look at what people want to reach and then at the obstacles that keep them from getting there. And again I realise that whenever I am in a shithole I go ALLLLLLLLLL the way. Just feeling sad is not enough, I need at least some serious berating and destructive thinking to finish it off. She speaks of restless, irritable discontent. I don’t want to be there. Hell no. I rather have serious self destruct than that pfffflllllll grrrrr blehgh feeling. Hmmm, I realise now that restless, irritable and discontent for me means feeding time. Lack of sugar in the brain. Guess the subject of the day is sugar. And despite the negative consequences and despite actually disliking the taste of the chocolate I ate today (my second favorite chocolate… so, pffff, beats me) I know I still will eat it again.

Aaah! Google autocomplete says that restless, irritable and discontent are often searched together with ‘big book’. Ghegheghe… it’s an addict thing. No, it’s a human thing and people fix it with their own solutions. Guess it is time to finish the Rosen – Rosy interview. :-). Aaah, we avoid them with substances, attitudes and emotions. Right. Count me in!

We need to see what is on the other side of restless, irritable and discontent and everything else is either avoiding, denying or distracting. Yep.

She speaks of families having a paradigm and it being build by believes and attitudes and all kinds of things. Parts of our paradigm that was securely put in place was: Men are obsessed with sex and they’ll do anything to have it and women are victims. Both my parents believed that and actually acted out that story themselves. It is the part that I struggle with the most these days. Want to let go, can’t let go, want to let go, can’t let go. Pffff…. Nasty territory.

Rosen and Rosy continue: ‘I think people think there is a There; ‘When I get There, I’ll never make those mistakes again, when I get There I’ll be happy and live will be easy.’ Hell yeah, when I get There I will be nice and loving and I will have lost about 25 kilo’s at the least and I will be rich and have no problem with dealing with my finances. And of course there will be this loving man who gives no problems and takes of when I need alone time.

Noticing how you choose to choose what you choose. Wow! If you have not seen her, take a chance to do that now. :- ) I’m not finished watching yet but it is bedtime here. I would have never thought I would like somebody with such an intellectual approach to working shit out. I’m at 29 minutes in the video and I do still distrust that absolute use of mind in her but what she says really connects. Interesting.

Thank you for reading. 🙂 I guess I have somehow stepped out of my misery of earlier this evening.

I am happy that I quit and scared that I get into difficulty so easily. And frustrated because I don’t want to give up sugar. Not sure why because it is poison and I don’t really like real sweet stuff. Ooh, yeah: I am bored with the lack of tastes I am experiencing in daily life so I guess it is time for some Asian spiced cooking.

I want: to go to bed. It has been a long, eventful day.

I need: to sleep.

I take: some Schuessler tissue salt on feeling not wanted.

Insights brought on by ‘eating clean’.

Since last Friday I changed my food intake to no wheat, no dairy, no meat, no sugar, no additives. Vegetables, brown rice, little fruits, nuts, few eggs, some white fish only. The first three days I was ecstatic. But by now I guess my feelings are limited to ecstatic and depression – very addicty. Up to yesterday I was very pleased with the way it worked out. Less impulses from exciting flavours really brought my spirits down to earth and made me able to focus on a task longer than 2 minutes. I actually shutdown Facebook and mail when blogging and well, all those consequently. It was a big relieve. Also the fog out of my head cleared up. The Fog is still bothering me even though I am 5,5 months out of that prison called drinking.

The clean eating experience has the same tremendous effect on my body as quitting drinking did. I am glad I did not do them together, I would have been wiped off the planet with all the emotions and feelings and experiences coming through while the Fog lifts.

Yes I know I have been a [INSERT WORD] about sugar because I know it is bad, and for me more so than for most (non addicted) people because I have this physical condition that makes my body react to sugar like crazy. So taking care what I take in is important. And yet I did not anymore. A week ago I was up to half a bar of chocolate again (that is 50 grams of 85% chocolate now) a day. Even reading back in this blog gives me chocolate and sugar urges. I have that less with alcohol. Then again, I call it alcohol because if I would call it beer it would set off more triggers.

Yesterday, that would be day 6 of clean eating I guess, I suddenly had a sugar craving that was immense. Bigger than any alcohol craving I have experienced in my life – which might not be saying anything because I always gave into them until I decided to stop and then I killed the cravings when they even thought of popping up. So, well, not withstanding the comparison that is biased, I did have sugar cravings and the result was: GUILT! BLAME! SHAME! Wow….. overwhelming. Very informative, even though I had not worked out where it came from suddenly because I had not changed my food.

And it made me realise that I have been a pompous ass with people having difficulty with quitting alcohol – because for me, even though I was deep in, I think I had an easy time coming out. If it is even half as bad as what I had yesterday than… ok…. hmmm…. I think I start to understand why it is difficult. And I think I understand why Jason Vale has had such a success with his ‘don’t drink but juice’ approach because these juices contain all the minerals, vitamins and sugar to feed any cravings.

What did I do with my cravings? I ate a teaspoon of mulberries, and then another and then another and then I quit counting (sounds familiar?) Mulberries are very nice and ecological and whatever superfood they are but also at least 50% (natural, but still) sugar or so. I just wanted it to go away. I could not focus, did 10 things at the time again. Amazing. And no, I have not worked it out yet. Don’t know where it came from.

Another thing on food. I have a cold belly since yesterday when I ate rice with vegetables and fish in coconut broth. And the wise women said; don’t eat coconut products because they cool down your intestines. Coconut oil and products are meant for the tropics. I figured out that this is exactly why they grow in the tropics and not in Western Europe: we don’t need them. 🙂 I believe very much that the natural order is the natural order because a higher power I will call God here, saw that it was GOOD. If God had thought that eating coconuts in The Netherlands was a good idea, he would have planted them there. So…. pffff, another restriction to get me back onto the good path.

Guess I have to dive into the Ayurvedic teachings. For those who don’t know: Ayurveda is / are (?) ancient concept / teachings from India about healthy living. Amongst others it includes eating to the physical type that you are and where you live. To put it simple you can say that the fat lazy people who are sick need food to excite them and put some fire in them. And excited people who are so spirited that their candle burns out even before they are half-finished need foods to slow them down. (Don’t tell them that I simplified it like this… 😀 ) But ayurveda is very complicated to learn. Pfffff….. Maybe I should just visit an Ayurvedic doctor, make it easy on me instead of wanting to do everything myself.

So now again I have 10 things on my plate that I think I need to learn and somehow I think I need to do that BEFORE I get myself a job – which is ridiculous because by now I sleep bad at night over how to make ends meet in 3 months to come. My procrastinating has lessened, I can think of things and do them now, when they are small. My spark plug is restoring but the next thing to deal with is shame, fear and guilt. And the realisation that my internal guide might say: it is not time yet (even though the Time will be there within a few days), but an internal guide might not know about finances – or?

Also I am taking the time, when I can handle it, to look into feelings of discomfort. Because they are a guide too. The things I SHOULD be doing. :-D. It works, doing those things relaxes me. There is nothing wrong with 80% of the should’s I experience. I was looking for the pressure of the shoulds to go away but they are actually very good indications of things that need to be done. It is my idea that after I actually do those 80% I might want to look at the 20% of unreal expectations. Which is probably impossible because most likely I will not be able to differentiate between the 80 and the 20 otherwise they would not be in the same basket anyhow. As long as the 80% has a function to fire me on, which I realise by now that they don’t because the BLAME me and make me feel inadequate continuously.

Pffff, running in circles. I am loosing faith in my approach of feeling my way back into life. Maybe running in circles is nothing else but energy having build up because it can not go out another way. Maybe I should do some cleaning. 🙂

Running in circles because I don’t want to make a choice. As long as I don’t choose I am free. I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday, on romance. She said: I would love to be asked to marry by [insert description of prince]. But it never happened. I said: I have been asked 5 times (well, ringlessly probed) but I never said yes. The conclusion was: no matter with what idea you approach something, the results seem to be the same.

And I don’t want to say it because I get the feeling that I go off the planet here but: in the end it is all the same. Take away judgement, opinions, shame, guilt and then somebodies road is somebodies road. There are quicker roads, guided by that which is inherently good but even then, we will meet obstacles because nobody knows all about what is inherently good. What is bad has a function too. The circle of life does not stop after birth.

And just in case this vague insights are not true I think I might as well do my stuff on the earthly plane too :-D. I mean, I wasn’t put on this earth for nothing, I guess it should be an earthly experience. 🙂

I am happy that I quit and that I got out of that dark prison.

I want: things to be simple

I need: to organise and make choices.

I take: nothing, don’t know what, see I need. 🙂 I have started the alcohol desensitization again though. That is part of the deal: first you do 3 months of the test phase and answer questions and then you get access to the actual training that they think has most effect. It worked out I had been in the group of people doing the training that had most effect in the first place already. I like it. It gives me peace. And also, works as an indulgence in the religious version of that word: if I have not been thinking about being sober or filling in my life, I do a training session and I feel that I actually did do something. 🙂 Good for the low days.

I hope I have not bored you out of your chair by now. It may sound silly but I feel there is a still hidden purpose behind this blog that I am not aware off yet and that at some moment looking back to a complete development of me is going to be important and that it is part of my path. I don’t know. I’m going to put it down now, but I feel I am an object of study for someone, maybe a student. Paranoia mixed with megalomania is my favorite state of being. 😀 Have I left the planet? Pffff, not sure. If I have it is important to note this down because there comes a time when looking back is going to be important. If it were a friend of mine saying this I would think she had lost contact with earth by now. Psychosis, that is what I would think and my state of being sort of feels like that. So if you are a student and following my blog as a study project, please leave a note :-). And then again…. it doesn’t matter what superstition things I have because it is not going to feed me when the money runs out so I might as well get my ass moving!

Does any of you have that feeling, maybe it is vanity even, to think that your blog, apart from it being important to me, and possibly, hopefully here and there to other sober or addicted people, that there is something else, another purpose? Or maybe it is easier to get an answer to that without first telling that I think that is paranoia, megalomanic or psychotic :-D.  We shall see. 🙂

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling