The land of no self-hate – Episode 10

How many years did you count between the first thought: ‘Maybe I should not be drinking so much?’ and actually quitting?

Apart from thinking this on a daily base… it took me more than 20 years for it to sort of get it to the forefront of my brain and another 10 years to actually quit. I literally knew that I would get addicted to alcohol at the first glass I took. I also downplayed it by thinking ‘Ooh, since I know that, I will be able to control it.” Yup. Not.

Weeks ago I looked at negative self talk and self-hate while reading a book called ‘There is nothing wrong with you’ from Cheri Huber. That had quite some impact and caused some mind shifts but the execution of replacing self-hate with self-love is not there yet. Not that I expected that – it is difficult to change behaviour. And this behaviour has been going on longer than my drinking career so I’m guessing it is more difficult to change.

For me, negative thinking has a lot in common with addiction: repetitive destructive behaviour. Also: it keeps me away from what really is. Even though that reality generally is nicer than the negativity. Keeping a watch on negative thinking was really helpful and insightful for a while. Also: I felt really happy and it is A-MA-ZING how much energy I had during the day. I was surprised by my openness, the good intention and love, joy and activity which came floating to the surface. I felt the same energy I felt when I was a child in my safe years. Then something happened, everything backfired and I totally lost myself only to go back to negativity and self-hate with even more energy. Sound familiar?

I had the same with trying to quit drinking. I would play with the thoughts to quit and then try it for a week. Something would happen and I would go back to drinking and most of the time I would catch up with the amount of ‘lost’ glasses during the week.

2 Weeks back the cat got really ill. At some point I was so down that I hoped she would quietly slip away into eternity so I could do the same. Very often it is only the cat which keeps me here. Could be a mind trick. Hope I never have to find out. I do feel that every time I return to these dark thoughts they get edged in me, where they even out the road to destruction. In trying to feel into / look at these thoughts I found I have a difficulty with connecting to people. I can love but I can not be loved. I can not let people in. This becomes more and more apparent now I experience how lonely my existence is in these dark moments. I have friends, very good friends. Friends who carefully listen to all this which you might find difficult to read because dark or because repetitive and boring. But in those dark moment that does not matter because this ‘hole in the soul’ is so much darker and bigger than anybody can fill.

I’m not sure what caused this ‘hole’. Do I miss my vanished twin brother? Yes, very much so. A partner in my life? Not specifically. Do I miss, I don’t know fundamental idea of goodness of the world, faith? Yes. Or maybe I miss myself? Yes, very much. What I do to myself is cruel, soul crushing. If anybody would do that to anybody else I would go berserk. And still, somewhere in my life I started to believe, or maybe I even made it up myself, that hating me is the best thing I can do. And I never changed. It is so engrained that it takes more than 3,5 years of sobriety to even get an inkling of it. And then, when trying to quit I this behaviour it calls me back and punishes me for leaving with even more and more darkness. And even though I guess this is learned behaviour be it picked up by an eager student, I still do it all to myself. Cunning, baffling and powerful.

So… I have tuned down the watch on self-hate to let the dust settle a bit and see how I can work on this from another entrance. I need to get my negativity act and food addiction together because they both keep me from being clear and from being honest to myself and other people. As long as I keep on eating away my own shadow, keep on disliking myself for perceived weaknesses, I will keep on transferring this dislike and anger to others. Not good.

So, looking at shadows is good. Ramadan is past so I am eating chocolate and refined sugar again, within 1 day I was back at my usual intake. I eat it and at the same time really dislike it and feel bad. Sound familiar? 🙂 And every day, even now I think: tomorrow I will do it differently. Cunning, baffling and powerful.

Somehow quitting addictive stuff and behaviour jogs memories of events past. Part of quitting the chocolate and refined sugar were (mini) trauma’s I have encountered while living abroad without my parents at age 15/16. In real life and in the sober blogosphere I have met so many people whose life has been damaged and put to a halt because of severe (sexual) trauma and consequently addiction. My traumas are not so severe in comparison with most but I can not seem to get away from them. Whenever I do get really clear, other events keep on popping up. I watched part of the Trauma and healing online conference but I sank so deep that I could not follow-up.

Abuse trigger warning for the next few Italic paragraphs till the fat print.

No chocolate – no sugar brought back this memory from sitting in a tiny park like spot in the country side, next to an enormous white water river, reading a book, my lower legs dangling down the quay/ledge which had been put in place to keep the river from eating in on the environment. A guy comes up, he must be in his twenties, I was 16 or so. Even though I do not trust him we chat because I can not get away safely. I make sure to steer away from anything which might indicate interest in him or look like advances. I try to bore him with excessively speaking about the book I am reading. (Ha! Nothing changed there :-D) At some point he starts requesting I go with him to his house to have sex. I sort of joke around the issue knowing that downright offending or refusing him makes things worse. He comes back with; “Why would you talk to me if you do not want sex?” Followed up by: “We have sex now otherwise I push you off the ledge.”

I would not be able to stop him from where I sit and falling down would have meant sure death. Even at age 16 I make jokes like: “Is that how you pick up all your girls? Not sure it is such a succesful line….” trying to take the sting out of it while trying not to show how my hands trembled and I am so scared I feel I can not even stand-up. He was serious. Not so much in wanting to kill me but he was very thick headed, possibly officially retarded (sorry, not inclined to look for nicer words here). His intent and anger where very real and also he did not seem to have the faintest idea that falling into a deep white water river with rocks all over can not be easily survived – specifically with the 6 meter waterfall further down and a following 12 meter waterfall within a 100 meter. He just did not care. He wanted what he wanted and I refused that so I had to be hurt.

Also: even though the place was max 10 meters away from the road and bus-stop, at that moment there was nobody around. Passing by cars had made it seem a safe spot but when they do not actually stop there is no safety to be found. And even now I have the idea that I have to explain the surroundings to you to make sure that you do not think me silly. I had to come up with silly jokes and conversation for 5 minutes for some car to pop up at the car park 30 meters further before I had the guts to stand up and go home. My knees buckled and I almost shit my pants. I walked home, checking at every turn in the road to see that he did not follow me.

At that time I had stopped speaking about things like this to people because anybody would start with “What did you wear?” and “Why did you even go there?” and “He would not speak to you if you did not give him the idea that you were available.”

I can see now how every bit of anger I held against guys like this was redirected inwards by being blamed for their behaviour.

This is how the female spirit is killed in this world. This is how our freedom and sovereignty is taken

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would love herself. How will I get there? Not sure. Going to bed would be a good thing. 🙂 It always is. And tomorrow slowly start examining and taking loving actions.

I am happy that I quit be it in a dark way. Even though my days have been rather nasty for a long time, I know it was worst when I drank. The guilt and the shame, my god. Unbearable. I literally could not look people in the eye. And that physical feeling of being bloated and stuffed. The high blood pressure. Ooh! Yeah, no sugar, no chocolate made my blood pressure drop quite some points. Eating it makes it rise; I feel my blood pumping in my ears when I lay down on my pillow. So: not good. I also appreciated getting more veggies in because of having better eating habits. Veggies are good.

Sorry for another way too long post. Hope you are doing well.

Wishing you a nice sober week.

xx, Feeling

 

 

Reminder: healing trauma summit

Hi,

Just want to remind you the healing trauma summit has started.

More info and a link here.

I am grateful that I quit drinking. Life is pretty dark lately but I found since I’m in a bad place I might as well do difficult things so I do not have to do those when I’m feeling good. So… on day 22 or 23 without chocolate. And on day 4 without refined sugar or man made substitutes of that like aspartame. I exclude soft drinks and cookies and the likes but not stuff where sugar is not the ‘main ingredient’ like a sauce. I am making good choices there though. Obviously I started transferring my chocolate addiction to sweets after I quit chocolate. It was tough, not so much to control the urges, that is ok, If motivation does not come from myself it comes from doing Ramadan-light (no there is no such thing, just a made-up word) and thinking: if the hug-buddy can do full Ramadan (no drink, food, sex during daytime which runs from 4:30 I believe to 21:45 something) – I can do no chocolate at all. 🙂

The tough part is that I had a few, as I call it psychotic experiences; e.g. while biking through town I saw people’s faces and bodies change to skeletons and also the colour of everything changed in flashes. It are ‘flashes’, at most half a second but pretty disturbing. I realised that if I were to lose myself into it I will go nuts. So breathe, relax and drink water. What worried me is that I actually felt so down at some days that I wanted to lose myself in the flashes, take them seriously and freak out. Breathe, relax and drink water. I think to know that this is ‘just’ another way of my system to look for a way out of this reality. I am pretty convinced the reality of what I see in those flashes is a reality, just not  the one I think is a healthy place for me to be. I’m thinking realities are like a drawing on a computer: when done well a drawing exists of layers covering each other; first a some basic shapes, then a grid to fill it in, then a colour layer, a structure layer, a shade layer and then some details.  As humans we only a one or two layers, cat’s e.g. see the world totally different because they have other eyes. Sometimes, in my case under severe stress, something in the brain wires wrong and it pushes on the wrong layer tab. Very uncomfortable. Breathe, relax and drink water. It is funny how all my life I have had knowledge of that ‘tab’ but I have stayed clear off it like I stay clear of the door to lala-land. Ok. Question: does anybody else have flashes of crazy?

Guess I am coming closer to what is ‘ailing’ me and something inside wants to protect me from meeting that. Fixed it the only way I could by overeating sweets. 😦 But hey, tally ho! Onwards I go. 🙂 Maybe I should be feeding (talking to) my demons by now. Might be more constructive than fighting flashes of psychotic experiences with watermelon and dates.

So substituting big time. Obviously. I can not do the cold turkey no sugar anymore. I can not do anything cold turkey anymore. I can do baby steps 🙂 So I do baby steps: no chocolate, and when the cravings for that have settled and the no chocolate headache is gone (9 days!!!) I continued to wonder about the next step. Next step done. I only eat natural sugars now and you can imagine that I stocked up on fruit and dates. 🙂

Here a recipe for a lovely desert, most likely this is for 2 persons, but I ate it on my own. Still losing weight though. Well, truth be said it feels like a TREMENDOUSLY BIG meal. 🙂 Quantities of eating is the next thing that is on my list. But baby steps, baby steps. One of the baby steps I am doing right now is getting back to eating home cooked meals twice a day. I’ve thrown away all the ‘thou shallst do this and that’ – only 2 home cooked meals and I am noticing they are getting more healthy during this process anyway. Baby steps Well, apart from this one. Although one could argue that it contains fruit and chia seeds.

BIG MEAL PRESENTED AS DESERT

Cut 2 dates into tiny slivers and put into a small bowl, cover with boiling water and what is that word: squash with a spoon until you have some ‘dilution’. Then add 4-5 tablespoons of coconut milk to an equal amount of chia seeds. The original recipe I had at the Vietnamese restaurant had vanilla in the chai but that comes with refined sugar so I left that out. Leave to swell over 5 minutes at least, add water in tiny tiny bits if you feel the seeds could still expand. The seeds must swell up like crazy and coat themselves in a gel like substance.

Heat up a frying pan and add a little coconut oil or butter to lightly cover the surface. Cut 2 bananas in halves and cut those in halves length wise so there is a flat surface to them. Put those in the pan, flat side under and fry (bake?) on low heat, cover with a lid.

In another small frying pan put a teaspoon of coconut oil, heat, add a handful 20-25 brown almonds and toss about cheffy so the almonds are coated. Now put back on a low heat till they ‘pop’ and spread a beautiful aroma. In between cut tiny slivers of fresh ginger to taste and add to the nuts. You can use powdered ginger but realise these powdered herbs always need to be heated for 5 minutes through and through so in this pan without moist they would burn.

This would be the time to check on your banana’s, the flat side should be brown, if not, take the lid off, crank up the heat and keep an eye on it. They go from pale to dark quickly due to high sugar content. Then use a spatula or 2 forks to turn them around bake till you are ok with the colour.

In between cut some peel of an ecological. (!!!) citrus fruit (without the white) in tiny slivers and add to the nuts, stir around a few times and add the 1 cup of cooked and cold rice. Mix and heat up, it is ok for the rice to become a little brownish here and there. Place nicely on a plate and enjoy.

If this is not enough one could tart it up with coating the bananas in coconut flower before baking. Then add some more oil to the pan. Maybe slow-fry pieces of pineapple the same way. Or lightly toast coconut flakes or almond flakes and decorate the fried bananas. Or possibly add ice cream but then again: that mainly contains refined sugar. Possibly tiny slivers of mint might be good. Well, hope you enjoy. 🙂

Currently still unemployed, not looking for a job, receiving sick leave money from the government, based on my ‘profile’ I have been put at the bottom of the list for treatment. Not sure what that means, but it does mean that I am not getting any treatment obviously. Not sure what that means. Also: I am not up to anything anyhow.

I am grateful in a sort of depressed way about quitting alcohol and sugar. I have no ‘will power’ left to put into these next steps to healing so I need to do the way I can: through knowledge and baby steps. The goal is to unaddict, ‘get my body back’ and also to not have the mind fog anymore. To get back on that road of becoming clear which I set off onto when I quit drinking. If not for me, then to minimise the damage I do to others in not being clear and having and addictive personality.

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

Online summit mindfulness & meditation

Hello,

Soundstrue organizes another (free) online summit on the subject of mindfulness and meditation. Sign up here. Start date is the 22nd of January.

I am happy that I quit drinking. I am currently taking another dive into my now selfdiagnosed sugar addiction. The hangovers are getting more obvious, the low moods, the lack of confidence, the cravings, the lying to myself – it is all there. Again… I was doing great and then life happened and I was not prepared so back to the chocolate – and you will not be surprised to hear that it came in a larger quantity.

So, I am happy that I quit drinking but more in a tired way. Now I need to continue. Not sure where and when. Working on it. On and off.

A woman who loves herself would make more of an effort to love herself I guess. I have been torturing myself over not knowing what direction to take when it comes to working. No clue. Business idea was a good idea, when I was on a pink cloud of not eating sugar. Then I went back and everything became stupid. Not sure if they are related but it seems so similar. And so she said while taking another sip of the 3rd glass of sugared soft drink.

Last night I dreamed that I was spending time with a neighbour of mine. She drinks at dangerous levels. It was a horrible dream where I knew I did not drink but because of the sugar thing I kept on falling back into that addictive state of mind. Nasty. Very clear. Very nasty vibe of addiction. Strange thing is that I know I currently do not have the stamina to stop – but also: the addiction keeps the stamina from ‘growing’. It actually eats in on me – well, apart from where it makes me fat. 😀

The difference between ‘need’ and ‘desire’ is difficult for me.

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening,

xx, Feeling

Emotional sobriety

I think I have come to the point where I can say that for me, with my addictive personality and the way my body reacts to things I can not be emotionally sober without quitting sugar. As far as I know myself I can not do the in-between, I always do ‘yes’ or ‘no’. typical addict trait, typical trait of a person with vanishing twin syndrome.

I do not have it in me to stop right now I think. But I will continue this because I need 100% of me for my project. So I will continue to deal as I started when quitting drinking: Keep on writing down the questions that come up. Try to find answers to what is most pressing. Breaking things up into small bite size pieces. ‘How to stop drinking  / quit eating sugar?’ becomes:

How can I stop drinking? I don’t know.

How would I learn? -> I would ask somebody who has stopped drinking. Or people who tell others how to stop drinking.

I don’t know where to find these people? -> Google Is Your Friend.

But then my computer history is going to be about drinking and I don’t want that to be so obvious. -> How do I delete / turn of the internet surf history -> Ask your teenage boy/girl…. 😉 or the help page of your browser.

Ooh my, there are so many organisations. Where do I go? -> write down what you like, go with your gut feeling or sort on price or Google for ‘compare detox centres’ or something like that.

Hey, there are several way to deal with quitting drinking. How do I choose? -> Inform yourself well and given time you will come up with what suits you best.

And in the whole process things like this pop up: There are organisations which help people. Do I need help? NO!!! At which moment I think to notice self-sabotage. So: ok, is that true? If I look at it from the outside it is probably not true. But I don’t want to get help because it will make me feel addicted and I do no want that? Am I addicted? How much do other people drink? (Google is your friend) What is a safe maximum of drinks. Oooh, 14, that is ok, I only do X. Ooh! 14 Is per week. Aaah…. Hmmm Ok. I need some time to adjust here. Let’s take a …. oh no… Gosh! I might actually have a problem?!

Googling stuff works, but sometimes also brings one further from home than is functional. And specifically being open to examine the internal sabotage helps immensely. Then at some point things fall into place. And with that; keep on starting over and over and over again till you are where you need to be.

Or as they say 😉

But hey!

And at some point the shit that weighs you down will not allow you to feel like there is a future. It is important to deal with shit in your life. Also, it is important to ever when you are ready, realise that you ARE not the shit in your life. You are NOT what happened to you.

Nobody ever woke up saying: “I want to be an addict.”. Ever.

I realise that if I ‘just’ quit sugar I would safe myself a whole lot of time. 😀 Not sure if I can. Not pushing. I am pushing the no chocolate to a certain extend but not the no sugar. Yet.

I am very happy that I quit. Specifically now I feel progress within me again. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would go do what she planned to do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober weekend!

xx, Feeling

On menstruation and periods – Teal Swan

Hello,

I found this a video worth sharing. Due to the ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ and hygiene you will not find me donating my menstruation blood to a vegetable garden but all other I am quite ok with. 🙂 But most of all she verbs what I have been searching for all my life: the idea behind menstruation and internal energy. And I know for a personal fact that getting moon ‘light’ actually changes stuff internally.

Teal Swan is an acquired taste but I like her very much for what I have seen of her. She is the woman who invented ‘What would a woman who loves herself do.’ So how could I not like her?

If you have difficulty watching her, what I had the first time I saw her, try to see if the way she shaped her eyebrows bothers you. They are (sorry, seem to be) not congruent with her, (to me) that is misleading. Not sure if it is on purpose or a left over of her modelling times.

Whatever. She has a way of wording things which I like and I hold her in high regard for finding her way in this world.

Hope it brings you something. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Wow! I see on the calender that it is the 25th again so counting back I am 2 years and 10 months sober.

A woman who loves herself would put on socks (still an issue) and she would work out how to quit binge eating. I am getting out of control. Saw some photo’s of me and I have gone too far. I weigh 82 kilo’s again at length 1.65 so that is too much. I have weighed 48 at this length too. Which obviously was too little but just to show it it possible too without falling apart. I always seem to weigh at least 15 kilo more on a photo than I think I weigh. 🙂 I seriously think I have reversed body-dysmorphia. 🙂 Which is a BS description of it because the term itself says dysmorphia so there is no forward or reversed version of it but I guess you know what I mean: I think I am fabulous but as a matter of fact I am pretty overweight.

Note: from here on I move over to rambling, not writing. Wanna let the darkness out, see what it does. See what I do when I let go. Discover my intentions.

My food has gone out of control because my joblife has been too taxing in the last year. It is about this time last year that I had the concussion and that my former boss started getting downright nasty. I have been in stress about work ever since. I make about twice as much money now which makes it easier not to have financial stress. That is good.

What it comes down to is that I have an addictive personality; I want out but take the wrong way. I want to not feel, and I mistreat my body with sugar to stay quiet. I am waiting for some insight to change all this. Like with alcohol; in hindsight I did not have to do a lot for that, I just read a book, did some online training and quit on the insight that alcohol is bad (mkay?).

I feel that all my determination is reserved for not drinking, that I can not do anything else with the same resolve, not even working. And in between I keep on gathering information to answer all the 10.001 questions I have about life and work and I do not read more that 10 – 20 pages of one book. Can’t focus, don’t want to be still. Monkey brain running. At work I can better, but sometimes not either. I’m gonna take my egg-timer to work. I’m gonna use my egg-timer to do anything and remind me of:

• focus
• what would a woman who loves herself do?
• how do I treat my body right now?

That should be enough to ponder on for the oncoming years. 🙂 I noticed in the last months that a women who loves herself would drown herself in chocolate because reality was too difficult. But it is really getting to me now.

I need to change and I seem to not be able to do it. I had added the word ‘alone’ to it and then I deleted that. 😀 Gheghegheghe… still can’t go there.

What do I think I need to lose weight / to stop binge eating chocolate?  (and dates btw)

Edit: the below answer comes from the deep. Maybe it is only today, maybe this is how I think about the world for real. Not sure. Will find out in the future I guess. It is weird. Even for me to ‘hear’ this.

I want the world to be different. Totally. I find this world stupid and it is in the way of what I want. (Whoah! How about talking with the inner demon?). The world frustrates me and is in the way of what I want. Most people are. (WTF?!) I can not let my energy out, everything keeps on getting blocked. I keep on being put on an energetic sidetrack. There is this path and it goes straight from my core to what I am and where I need to be and I keep on getting blocked. I keep on getting side tracked. I keep on side tracking myself. I do not take that road as serious as I now think it is. I keep wasting my time. To walk that road is to walk in my destiny but I do not dare to because the powers there are BIG. Or maybe I just need to  get to the center of the storm.

I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be whole. I have the right to make myself whole. I have the right to be me. I have the right to be me inclusive of all the weirdness that I have, that I am. I do not think I am more weird than other people, I just think other people do not (dare to) know it of themselves. I am brave.

So how come I am so not brave when it comes to food? How come I panick and have difficulty to write about it. Actually I am not writing, I am rambling and seeing what shows up. Letting the tantrum out to see what lies underneath.

I have a feeling overload now and my reaction to it is to go buy stuff. I have long suspected that I have a buy-addiction but I sort of manage it by buying tiny stuff like matches if I do not feel satisfied with the normal groceries. I also buy and collect books. This week was an all times high: I bought a historic book on practices and products which were related to my consultancy job (from 5 year-ish ago) but I would not even have bought then because of no use now to me. I just bought it because it is historic and therefore has value. To someone, somewhere. I just want to have it.

I tend to want to collect information before I act. But I never finish.

My eyes see a card on the wall, it has a text and says: “Whenever you got all your ducks in a row, beware of the domino effect.”  🙂

Ghegheghe, monkey mind taking me away from what was. I was overwhelmed by the megalomanious answer of the what, obstructed toddler in me? Not sure where that answer came from. Feels true 😀 but it is not always around. Going to full rambling now.

I have been thinking that I should re-read ‘Kicking the drink easily’ and put the word ‘sugar’ where it says alcohol. Does sort of the same for me anyhow. I’ve been thinking all kinds of stuff but not wanting to pursue. I do not want to do difficult stuff anymore. I feel I have been doing enough difficult stuff in the last years. But I also feel I am trapping myself in addiction again and again and again. If not with food, it is with Netflixing, if not with Netflixing it is with falling in love with yet another person who does not answer. And most of the time I do all 3 at the same time. Ooh, and I include berating myself. And overfeeling. Feelings are indications. Feelings are tools. Feelings are not meant to blow me away continuously. But I’m not living by that. I let everything happen. I have gon lazy. Or tired. Not sure. Overwhelmed for sure but I am not picking it back up. My boss needs me to go pick it back up.

I need me to go pick me back up. I want to live consciously. I do not want to be thrown about by addictive behaviour. I want to continue my path. Not stall in just another chocolaty corner I found to hide in. Another Lala-land, another Candy land.

I believe at one stage in this blog I told you about the Ayahyasca experience I did years ago. While being under the influence of this (natural) drug I had this vision of a city made of man-sized candy. It started of with a kaleidoscope of the brands of Coca-cola and McDonalds and I was SO OFFENDED that this took place in MY head. In hindsight it is pretty cool to realise that the brain can in fact produce a perfect, perfect, moving kaleidoscopic movie of 2 brands both of which I would not be able to draw with my conscious mind but my drug induced brain turned it into perfection. F! I was mad. Obviously both the sugar village and the coke and McD where metaphors for my drinking then. Or possibly my binge eating now. 🙂 When looking at the above picture of sugar land I feel nauseous. And still: that is what I do to myself. Again and again and again.

And I do not want to wake up. Or possibly I am struggling to wake up. Hmmm,  more like it: I do not want to realise that I am struggling. That would mean that I do not have control. Aah…. haha, trap. Admit that we are powerless. 🙂

As you might know I never did a 12 steps thing. I do find it interesting that a lot of my endeavours entail the same experiences / learning things as a 12 steps process but not necessarily in the same order. When quitting alcohol I had troubles with the admitting that I was powerless over alcohol. I think I am close to realising that now. In order to deal with it I changed it into: “I am powerless when alcohol is in my body which is why I need to make sure that it does not get there.” There is also another trick to that: whenever I keep it out, I do not have to admit that I am in fact powerless. So as a matter of fact it is a pride thing which keeps me sober. 😀 My fear of having to go to AA is and admitting that I am powerless is so big that I stay sober. Ghegheghe, whatever way works. 😀 (But yeah, this attitude does not sound sustainable I would say. Pride and shame never are – but it is not only that, it is also that I want to be done with the moaning and the destruction.)

Yeah, that is it. I want to be done with the moaning. I use moaning, confusion, addiction as means to not be. To not stand in my power. I am afraid of me when clear. I am afraid of really seeing. It is overwhelming. So I sabotage me.  I am done.

Gonna do something with my life. I am sooooo sick of sabotaging me. Blegh. I’m gonna have a shower, put on some socks, do some healthy shopping.

See you later.

I am happy that I quit. And if you are still reading this rambling text (hurrah for your perseverance!) I hope you are happy that you quit too! 🙂 No matter the obstacles I put in my way, it is worth it because now I can learn that I do that. When drinking I did not learn a lot. Not learning is killing. Choosing life is good and it is rewarded. Ha! That makes it easier. Choosing destruction is not so good, and it gets answered too. Which makes it nasty. Which is just a warning. 🙂 That’s how simple it is. I think. Need to go put that into action. 🙂

Thank you for reading. 🙂 Hope it brings you something too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. 🙂

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. 🙂 Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

Sugar’s secret message about holiday longings

This post on sugar and longing made me cry. Insight, love, healing. Many thanks to Karly for writing it. ❤ Have a read. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Sugar is not the enemy, but a mirror that reveals our relationship to our human neediness. It beckons us to heal the shame we carry about needing love.

Source: Sugar’s secret message about holiday longings

The price I pay for staying in lalaland

These last few days I have been very much confronted with the price I pay for having stayed in Lalaland too long. The above picture is one of lalaland, sort of how it came to me in an Ayahuasca session. I guess what hurts me the most is that, as I wrote this morning, I did not properly say goodbye to my mom. Well, of course I was sober when with her, apart for one time :-/, but I feel I did not get to let go of the grieve correctly. When she died I was already addicted. Which is easy to say because I was addicted from drink one. I think around that time I drank 3-4 nights a week 3-4 pints. With ever so now and then waaaaaay more. I notice that there are layers within me that do not know she’s dead yet. That hurts.

And I feel guilty I blew a fortune of halve a house on what worked out to be ‘trying to set up a company’ in a consumer goods. I am not a flashy consumer marketer. I am an engineer. I should stick with that. Two third of that money was inheritance and one-third of that money was my own but still… I blew it because I was drinking. If I was not I might have pulled the plug out earlier or worked on it more effectively.

Because of the moving into another line of work I let go of my old contacts and network. Not smart. And now I feel too ‘labelled’ with misfortune (and my own label ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’) that I do not have the guts to contact them. I guess it will take time before I feel sure enough on my business feet to face these people.

I wrecked my body but what worries me more is that I wrecked my brain. I’m not sure if it is really damaged but I still have this addicty attitude of ‘not wanting to be in the moment’ and I think because of that I register things badly. And I feel so insecure about it that it cripples me when speaking with people of my profession.The price I pay.

I also feel guilty of drinking when the cat got her litter. I had promised myself to not drink 10 days around her date but I made it to day 4 and then drank 2 days half and the 3rd day I had 3 pints and they were born that night. I felt so guilty about that that I was stressed and that stressed the cat too. She was doing fine and suddenly she looked up to me totally insecure asking me ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I immediately realised then that I was just radiating insecurity and fear and she picked up on it. It did teach me a lot, and nothing went wrong but still. It was not good.

And I did loads of stupid things when I was an angry young women. Mostly self destructive stupid things but no matter what, that dragged people around me into the atmosphere of my addiction too. Now I’m just an angry older women.

That’s another point: the not processing of emotions. I spent thousands on therapy and courses which, I don’t know but I guess they would have been twice, three times, ten times as effective if I had not drunk. Not that I drank during the day, but sometimes, with difficult things, I would drink the evening before and the evening after. So… I know now that takes away from the learning effect. Then I just wanted to ‘feel safe’. Which is the nice version of ‘not feel’. And there’s more, but this is a difficult post and I just want to get to bed.

I fear: everything I take: nothing I want: to sleep and not wake up. Wow! (No, not really, just mentioning a tendency, what gets reflected back when I ask. Strange day it is today. I am at 11 or 12 days no sugar and getting bored with what I am eating because I’ve lost interest due to the lack of cravings because I now have a (more) stable blood sugar level. Also, I shop cheap in order to safe money so I don’t get all the tasty expensive stuff. I need to look into that because I have learned that this boredom is the beginning of something bingy coming up. Yes, something bingy coming up: somewhere at 17:00 ish I decided that I had earned sugar. I found that a funny addicty description but I took ginger ale (ale, not the cordial) 1/5 and mixed it with sparking water. I took one sip and felt it going down and it felt bad. Bad, bad, bad. And that is the price I pay for being in lalaland too long: weird shit going on with my health and not enough intellectual stability to deal with that.

Funny enough something in me (it felt like my body) was trying to convince me to take it and I wondered, is this how it would feel to drink alcohol? Feel stupid, feel that it is wrong and still want it? I stuck with the ‘how does it feel’ and put the glas away. And haha, there it comes: I picked it up just in order to see if it still tasted bad. Now THAT is familiar, but in my life only recognisable in others: this is how little kids learn. Tell them they are not allowed to do something and they will test another 2 times if you were serious. Somebody once told me that is not lack of respect or being stupid, it is just how we are wired.

So, I sat down, seeing what would happen, trying to inform myself that sugar is not the same as alcohol and that I should wind down. Did not work. Then I realised that this ‘lapse, relapse, collapse’ thought has very much settled in my brain against my will. I fear that thought itself. Like walking around with a time bomb. I have difficulty dealing with it because it undermines my idea of control (very addicty) but yes, it undermines my idea of control and that is very uncomfortable when it comes to booze. But while I was trying to think, didn’t go very well because of the fear, I wondered: ‘What if it were alcohol? It is not even alcohol and you have difficulty putting it away even though it does not go down well at all. You have tasted it, found that it was foul and still you are yearning? What is going on?’ (parts of me speak to me :-D)

Nothing big happened there apart from me realising that I did think it was awful so why the heck would I drink it? I did not. It did not bother me anymore after I connected with how I had felt. I guess I should practise that because it feels like there is truth in that.

So, I had a shitty day workwise, I DELETED a file for a course / book I had been working on for a few hours. I mean, last time that happened was when I was, what 25? But then found a better way to do the file anew so that was fixed in no time. Maybe that was good, but it did not feel good. I was very tired after that. I think it was good I had the reconnect to feeling with the sugar drink experience. Even though it does sound I have gone over the top with my food things. You know, I do think that I have, but I feel I am not there where I need to be with my health so I continue searching. I do want to get rid of the worries about it, trust my body, but that is hard.

I am happy that I quit in a sort of obligatory (is that the right word?) way. Not really feeling it. That is because I feel little progress. Which is why progress is good. When I feel progress I feel alive and I don’t worry about the happy or not. Meh, too tired, need to get to bed. And again I did not get to the 3 things good. Isn’t that… informative. Another good thing: the cat is going outside again. No, a thing about me. I enjoyed a real nice apple today. 🙂 It was an ecological Granny Smith from Italy. I normally only like these when they are from Argentina, in the season, but this one was very good. 🙂 And I guess that detailed moaning and comparing is making me miserable. Pfffff. I should practise enjoying good things.

Hope you have a GOOD day or evening. 🙂 xx, Feeling

It takes 8 months

This man got a bike that goes right when he turns left and visa versa. It took him 8 months to learn to ride it. And then it took him 20 minutes to learn to ride a normal bike again. I am not sure I agree with his explanation but I do think it has an analogy with addiction. Or no matter what: it is fun :-).

I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘shit I really need to get a move on and pfiew glad I don’t drink anymore’ kind of way. I am trying to get back to the profoundly happy that I quit but worries get in the way. Now I try to separate the worries from being happy. Logically they are not linked. My mother had cancer and it was breaking down her body. She was still happy, she had learned to separate these. (And I guess she did a lot of hiding her fear and stress….) I miss her so much. I guess this is the hardest part of the price I pay for having spent so much time in lalaland: not having closed the dealing with her death. I thought I had, but the hurt of her going is still there, the unfinished business. More and more I get the feeling to ‘Oooh, I’ll call my mother.’ and then realise she is not here anymore.

I fear: well pffff, shitloads.

I want: to have breakfast

I need: to have breakfast

I take: nothing, just fully sugarless. Less fog but not the clarity I remember from when I was 19. (Ghegheghe….)

Things that went well: the work I am doing, what I do is good. Working with consumers is different: they all want a piece of me, I get e-mails as long as my posts discussing technical things. That is rather tiring. There are a few things that I follow up on and that continue to just go well. I should be proud of / happy with kicking the sugar but somehow I think I should not have get hooked at the first place. Hmmm

And there is something funny going on: I keep on meeting up people who have no money at all and are generally in a rut. Walking along the wrong energy lines here. 🙂 Let’s see how to deal with that.

And with writing that I did not even come to the 3rd thing that is going well. This talking stuff down is pretty much alive in me. Well, with writing down 3 things that are going well or that I have done well I realise that I am never content and always think I should have done better. That revelation is sinking in by now. That is good, in a sad way. Doing it again! My god this is difficult. I guess I need to watch the video again: it takes 8 months to unlearn a pattern if once practises every day. I will add ‘things that go well’ to the list on my egg timer. The current list is ‘stand up straight’ (I try to work standing at least half of the day), ‘shoulders back’ and ‘breathe’. One thing that I did good: type a post. 🙂

I hope you have a happy sober / clean day or evening!

xx, Feeling

Yeah, 1,5 kilo down!

Yeah, 4-5 days continuously without sugar and I lost 1,5 kilo without changing anything else in my ‘diet’. Eh….. 30 to go. 😀 No… not. I am happy that I quit sugar. And I am guessing you will be happy that I quit moaning about it. Progress is good, it makes me happy. Happy is good, it keeps me from drinking. Well, not that I think I would drink if I was unhappy. Not sure, it is an addiction after all. But ha! I don’t have to worry about it because I am making progress and I am happy and I am not there where I would like to drink so no worry. 🙂 🙂 🙂

I just noticed that I am pretty exact-like in anything, boring and possibly shocking people with details on anything but I never told anybody how much I weigh. Funny isn’t it. There must be a taboo there. Let’s see what happens if I let the beast out: I am 1,67 and 82 kilo’s now. I come from 87,5 kilo’s. Ha, it very much feels like it is none of your business (sorry, this is an experiment) and I feel uncomfortable mentioning it :-D. My mind is making up all kinds of things why I should not mention it. Funny how I wrote in my ‘About’ exactly how much I drank because I need that out there to ‘come clean’ and I am hiding my weight. It feels the same but is it? Not sure. Does knowing my weight change anything for you? (You are allowed to say that you are happy that I am fatter than you :-D)

I am happy that I quit. Because otherwise I would be in the same trouble but have not way to figure it out.

I am happy that I quit sugar, not doing it 100% strict but 99%, and that is good. And no pressure. Just see how it goes. I think today I am happy because the fog is leaving and also because I DID IT!! It is so peaceful to not having to hide from the talking that says ‘I should actually quit’. Why worry so much: I have a mild version of hypoglycemia and diabetes runs in my family so obviously our build is such that we do not stomach sugar well. And it gets me sooooo depressed when eaten in large quantities. Ooh, and I am an addict so I can only do the black or white, not the grey and not the moderation.

I am proud of having done that, I am proud of how I have, in the last days tried to find ways to lower my BP, exercise, Falun Dafa, relaxation, be with people, go to bed on time, breathe, lessen the screen time.

I want: everything to be easy, no I would be lost if that was the case. Hmmmmm.. food for thought.

I need: to get a move on but without the stress and since I can not yet do that I need to take it one step at the time. And I guess that is EXACTLY the lesson that is in there. Hmmm.

I fear: the same shit. And I fear that I, by now (actually by a month ago) have started really boring you with my non developments and moaning.

I take: a few salts on high BP.

I hope you have a nice day / evening / night!

xx, Feeling