On happiness, or lack thereof

So true, but sometimes I just can’t find my happiness switch. I guess it is the path to work out what is preventing me from being happy.

Not sure how that works with missing people. Grief is a goodbye that has not been accepted. Or so, or I don’t give a shit I just miss my mother a lot. Next 25th it the 7,5 years anniversary of her death. No I don’t count the days, it’s just that I count my sober months and this 25th is my 6th month sober. And I quit at her dying day. It just feels like I have to go through it all again.

I am happy that I quit but today is difficult. I feel like I am floating through life and it is time to start filling it in.

I want: to not hurt, not be sad, not be missing my mom.

I need: to start taking some responsibility and push myself a little, and it is time for that now. To sleep. Had a bad night again last night. Powerful dreaming. Possibly due to the Calcium I had been taking or the whatever brand dream tea. Which I don’t believe in specifically but it tastes good. Maybe I should believe in it and I will take a book to my bed to write in when I wake up.

I take: magnesium in Schuessler tissue salt against chocolate cravings and a twitching eyelid, inability to relax, feeling powerless, dealing with stress from society and haha… addictions. Let’s see what it does. It is also for falling asleep quickly and it resets your idea of sleeping time to what it should be what possibly causes me to be very tired since the sun went down.

Don’t feel like writing. Need to sleep. Have a nice day/evening/night.

 

 

5 Months – 153 days – blood pressure 120 – 80

Blood pressure was 120 over 80!! How is that for perfection? So I actually have a lower blood pressure without the beta blockers than with. Still continuing with the Schuessler cell salts. My boobs have gone south though, 5 to 6cm down and they are shrinking. That is a bummer because they were by far the most beautiful part of my body and now my belly is protruding. My definition of the basics of a nice body is: waist showing and breasts before the belly. Ghegheghe. Well, that is part of the price I pay for having drunk myself to oblivion for years. And I am loving it. πŸ™‚

Slowly, slowly I am not the one the person with the emotional self-knowledge of Godzilla (Thank you Prim for that colourful description of a person in early sobriety) and I am guessing I don’t have to ‘keep things up’ as much anymore. Hence the boobs dropping ;-).

Of course the boobs have to do with not taking the phyto-estrogens that are in the hop in the beer. And using the salts changes the amount of water I am retaining. So, cool. And dropping the beta blockers that have ‘retaining water’ as a side effect. The biggest fall of 4cm came from the beer though. And in case you wonder: I am in a profession where knowing stuff about breasts where and when is part of the knowledge we use. And yes, there ARE indeed jobs where that can be absolutely sex-less.

And I don’t feel like blogging but I did want to mark this 5 months and 201st or 202nd post.

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. I am proud again. Because of having fixed my blood pressure while the apothecary said that NOBODY ever comes of the blood pressure medicine. HA!!! And I am also proud again because the store man gave me a beautiful compliment. He said: ‘I think you are a very beautiful women, I love to look at you and when I look into your face it gives me joy.’ How is that for a compliment :-). The day finished with ‘Our conversations make me very happy. I would really enjoy it if you were to drop by again.’ Don’t know what to make of it. He is like that, I can be like that, saying what I feel, I have said things like that to man, women without any what you call it? And I can not afford to get sidetracked by romantic notions – not now. Need a job. So I’ll just enjoy it as it is. πŸ™‚

I want: to stop blogging now because I need to prep for a nice afternoon.

I need: to continue on this path. The path is the destination. It is however time to add some goals. I don’t feel like I will fail at everything anymore. That has to do with being proud of my blood pressure and of course a bit with the store man. And I need to not mix up Path, Goal and Companion.

I take: several cell salts that have to do with blood pressure. Mercury in a homeopathic solution (diluted like crazy – no real molecules present anymore) for the indented tongue. Less herb-tea and more water and water with lemon and sometimes orange too in these last 2 days.

On dieting, food and weight loss

I just did some serious thought-spamming in Sherry’s blog line concerning weight loss and it turned out to the size of an adult post. So I took the liberty of taking that what was for her to my blog too because I think / hope that it contains a valuable entry into dieting and weight loss. I started tweaking the post and then I really got into it. Hope you like it.

My preparation for quitting drinking started with studying weight loss. I was still in denial on my drinking so I thought I had a weight problem only. But that worked out fine because I learned a lot. πŸ™‚ Or so I think, because I am not a nutritionist so what I say depends on what I learned from others.

ERIC BERG

Eric Berg has a lot of really good, informative video’s on weight loss. In essence he says: When people are ill they become overweight. Read ‘ill’ als ill or ‘out of balance’ – so you will. Berg is pretty convinced that cravings, overeating, gaining weight and what have you, only exist because the body is not functioning well. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. Well, yes, it will start to work the other way around if one is seriously overweight but the basis is in the unhealthy situation. Guessing we can name a few unhealthy habits amongst us… :-S

Trying to lose weight will not happen very easily when one does not fix the underlying problem. Based on that he has defined 4 different body types – by their looks. Because depending on what part / organ / gland in our body is not functioning well, the body will store fat in different places. E.g. if the liver is not functioning well we tend to get a big (hard) belly and larger breasts or, for men it might look like they are pregnant or swallowed a basketball (beer belly, beer ‘tits’). If a person is stocking up on estrogens she will get a large chest but build firm hips and thighs as well. Yes, that would be the luxury side of weight gain πŸ˜‰. In order to loose weight he has a diet plan for different body types that comes down to:

– loads of veggies, cruciferous foods for some types, less for others

– animal protein for some types and not for others,

– no sugar, low on carbs for all

– a kale, apple, parsley, ginger, celery shake is important

– cranberry – apple vinegar – fresh lemon – water drink before every meal

DO LIKE – AND IMPORTANT

His info where he says that taking synthetic nutrients is not good because it can actually make your body take up LESS of the nutrients in the long run because synthetic nutrients are not complete. Some nutrients need help stuff to be able to be processed in your body. If the nutrient pill does not contain the extra stuff too that will be taken from the stock in your body. So that’s a way of depleting the body from nutrients. He sells natural vitamins in his store. Food / veggies etc. normally contain all you need in one bite. If I would live in the USA I would order his vitamins but Fedex costs 60 to 80 dollars oversees 😦

He mentions that using dairy will TAKE Calcium from the bones. The use of dairy in The Netherlands is the highest in the world – and we have one of the highest figures in osteoporosis….. So much for the cheese. 😦 Chew sesame seeds if you want calcium.

Check out the a food nutrition table if you want to know what food contains what nutrients. I found that eating ecological pork meat is 10 times better against trembling hands (lack of vitamin B’s / damage of the nerve cells and brain) than eating vitamin B pills. Or combine them.

He is against Genetically Modified Organisms . And so am I. I am not religious but God created the earth and SHE SAW IT WAS GOOD ;-). That’s all we need to know. Arrogance to think we can outdo million years of organic process or the creation of (a) god(s) if you like. Very wrong in my, again, not so humble opinion.

Berg nicely explains the function of the liver in the fat storing / sugar making of stored fat. Very important.

DON’T LIKE

1 He is not a cook, he knows that and apologizes for it but e.g. he promotes using salad dressing from a jar and tells you to watch out for MSG’s. First, MSG’s have 10.001 different names by now, one of them being ‘yeast extract’. I find that very illogical all in all. What is wrong with mixing 2/3 olive oil, 1/3 lemon juice or vinegar, 1 tea-spoon of mustard, 1 teaspoon of honey, salt and pepper as a basic dressing? Takes 2 minutes max.

2 Berg is from the low carb – high veg and high fat school but does not explain the difference between white, finely milled flower and products made from that and all the products at the other end of the scale as: ecological full grains, brown rice, beans etc. It is not only the content but also the shape they are in. Finely milled is worse than full grain because of the work the body has to do to take it up and the time it consumes.

BARBARA O’NEILL

Barbara O’Neill, also on YouTube tells in her 10 different video’s about nutrition, how the body works and detox. She says: people jojo because they do not do a detox before loosing weight. In our body we have poisons that come from what we ate, drank, pollution, medicine, what have you. The really serious poisons like heavy metals are stored in the fat, out of the way. What happens when we lose weight is that the fat soluble poisons we carry are freed and the liver needs to break them down and make them water soluble so we can sweat and pee them out. If we do not take enough of specific nutrients (carrots, protein, vitamin B, C and another few things) the poisons will not become water soluble and the liver will say: β€˜Ooooh, DANGER!! Let’s store these poisons in fat again so they are out of the system….’ So the liver will work against the weightloss by storing fat. Or which is why a lot of people experience headaches when dieting. Her story made me understand why I CRAVE meat after 2-5 days of dieting, that is where I go of the path totally. Those cravings are worse than my alcohol cravings. At a moment like that I can eat half a pound of meat, it feels like I am going berserk otherwise. This sounds silly but to me it is a sign from the body that it needs protein in order to convert the poisons.

Barbara sort of follows the Atkinson diet but makes it partially or fully vegetarian I believe. The detox is vegetarian – which I guess is a smart thing to do specifically when you live in the USA where farmers are allowed to put hormones in meat. One way or the other, I will use her advice to build my own detox schedule. In all her video lessons she drops sentences here and there, I have written them down in draft, by the time I get to it I will put it in my blog as well. Don’t wait for me though πŸ™‚

DO LIKE

Somewhere she has a comparison on what to eat when eating healthy and she takes it from the bible. Again, I am not religious but I found that fascinating because it is such ancient knowledge and it is so to the point. Not wanting to be arrogant here on thinking we now better than people did thousands of years ago. It is just fascinating. Cool. πŸ™‚

DON’T LIKE

Her view on the acid-alkaline issue of the body seems one-sided. Liking Eric Berg’s more. And the start of her story on Salt and Water is a bit funny. She goes of my grid of ‘acceptable there’ with a few of her opinions. But don’t let that stop you because the rest is FASCINATING!

MY PLAN

This is quite a story but I am thinking there is truth in what they both say. I, for myself, have decided that I will (try to) follow this route:
1 Quit drinking (check!)
2 Become healthy using whatever natural medicine I can find – good food, Bach remedies, homeopathy, phythotherapy (herb teas), nutrients and Schuessler cell salts currently (doing so!) and get rid of the synthetic medicine I am taking. And I should introduce more fresh air, more exercise and yoga but as a good addict I (start with) take (ing) it in from the outside.
3 Quit sugar (not eating a lot now) and anything with additives.
4 Do a detox according to a mix from Barbara, Eric and my nutritionist
5 Continue a diet on a path that I have not set yet but is probably based on loads of veggies, fish, carbs only in the full grain version like brown rice, eco meat with moderation.

With step 2, getting healthy I mean that I e.g. need to get rid of the continuous diarrhea I had (check!), get rid of my high blood pressure with natural solutions (check! 130 over 80 measured today YEAH!!!! for the Schuessler cell salts πŸ™‚Β  ), work out how I get my tongue back to a healthy colour and shape because the indents I have indicate mall nutrition (possibly due to alcohol or diarrhea?) or dehydration. I am still retaining water in my legs and I want to work on the too. Not wanting to bore you with my specific details but just give an impression of what level of detail I am thinking of – so getting rid of the tiny things that are indications of an error in the take up and let go.

GRAPHIC TEXT ON POOING

List of let go errors: diarrhea, not being able to go, slimy stuff coming with, itchy anus, floating deposits, smelling results are ok, foul-smelling results that offend the nose are not. Baby poo is normally non-offensive when they are only being breastfed because that is what is good for them. Adult poo should not smell offensive either, that is a sign of things not working well or the diet containing stuff that is not processing well like a combination of (under) cooked beans and meat, that takes too long to digest so it starts to rot. The ideal ‘turd’ should be firm but not hard, let go easily, not float, not smell offensive, be darkish brown in colour, should NOT make you have to wipe a lot – almost nothing, and should not leave marks in the toilet.

Marks in the toilet means that there is unprocessed fat in your stool. As far as I know that is a bile issue (too little bile or not getting out of the bile bladder because of stones). I am drinking tea that supports the bile making in the liver – ha, yes, that would be an organ that could do with a little support… The tea seems to be working. I don’t think that I will lose weight easier when I am low on bile and not processing it because not processing fat only makes my body crave for it. And that is worse. Also, when the fat is not processed or not correctly, I would assume that the fat soluble vitamins are not processed either. And that is not good.

ON CRAVINGS

Cravings mainly indicate that your body lacks nutrients. Google on ‘cravings + meaning’ to find out what you are missing. Chocolate means that you miss Magnesium. I have taken Magnesium in the Schuessler cell salt versions and I think it works. I am not there yet but when I eat chocolate now it is sufficient to eat a few small pieces. I don’t need half of the bar. Check out this site if you want to go deeper in the salts and the medical side.

Also: I am guessing that after years of drinking and/or eating junk food (including cookies, sweets, chocolate, drinking soda’s with or without sugar) our bodies are a little out of sync so they might yearn for bad food anyhow. I find that the further I get, the less I yearn and crave for bad things. Having said that: I come from a background where we cook when at home, nothing intelligent, meat and 3 vegs or so, but still. Home cooked. See what Jamie has to say on that on Ted about home cooking and the lack there off. Did you know that since 2011 something more people die of obesity and bad choice in nutrients than die of hunger?

Craving sugar: that’s nasty. But I will again, try to get rid of the added sugars and most of the fruit sugars in my food because they are bad, cause diabetes, make me feel bad, and stimulate cravings for alcohol.

ON EXCERCISE

Check out what Barbara and Eric say on this, they promote the interval training thing with 3 minutes of extreme exercise like jumping 1 or 2 steps of a stair. And 10 minutes rest or so. That’s how the body works best. Proven. πŸ˜‰

Also: exercise helps kidneys and liver and lymphen thingies to work bad stuff out of the body through the movement of the muscles – more a mechanical process than a chemical one. And it brings blood and oxygen into the corners of the body. Specifically those funny twist in yoga are meant to clean.

ON SALT FOR THE KITCHEN

There is a big discussion on salts momentarily. Barbara explains it well and she swears by Celtic Salt or Himalayan salt. However, there are other people, like my brother, that say: those unrefined salts can contain e.g. Bromide. And that is poisonous. I don’t know the truth.

ON LEARNING ABOUT FOOD

When you are looking for info on the internet try googling different versions. ‘Celtic Salt good for health’ gives different results than ‘Celtic Salt’ or ‘Celtic Salt bad for health’. On anything you learn you might want to check things out.

FINALLY

I hope you found this interesting reading. Please note that I am not a doctor or nutritionist and all I know comes from the internet. I hope it gives you some info or insight in things. Well, I found all of this hard to come by because there is so much nonsense too – so I am sharing it here. That is because I assume it is not nonsense. Disclaimer, disclaimer. Maybe it will proof to be in the future. Please drop me a comment here if you think I’ve been misinformed. Please also add links, movies, books that you would like to share.

Do remember: the path is the destination. I freaked out when all this info got to me but I just do what I can do easily. Not more. NO BERATING. I have this addicty ‘I want it all and I want it now’ behaviour, that does not suffice here. I decided to do: First no drink, stabelize, contine with health, stabelize… etc. I feel I have only one chance at getting sober and becoming healthy, getting myself on a good path. This is it. Thoroughly building a new life.

Hope this post brings you something. Again, comments, additions, book references, please drop them below. Only Potassium seems to have 1500 different functions in the body so getting to know stuff about food and the body is a path – never a destination.

If all of this turns you crazy: eat what the chimpanzees do. Stick to ecological food only, loads of veggies, home cooking only, 2-3 days without meat per week, no additives, no sugar, low on dairy. Loads of playing in the bush. And you’ll be fine πŸ˜‰ That is a joke, but it is kind of true as well. πŸ˜€

Hope you liked it, Feeling.

Cleaned out a drawer – physical and psychological changes

I am in this tremendous flow of things changing for the better in my life. It is amazing. Who needs mind altering substances when you can have the real thing?! I keep on having this experiences that are described best (?) with feeling part of the universe, or being transparent where the universe is me and I am the universe. No, nothing megalomanic funny going on that requires doctors or pills – I ‘just’ feel like I am tripping all day over the growth that I do. And have written a post when I was on this very black dark cloud 3 days ago. It brought back all the ‘what’sΒ  the use, why take care of myself, might as well… ‘ very destructive. Still roller coaster but one low on a week full of highs? Who cares!? And even if, the lows are the growth thingies that go a little less easy.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I don’t want to lose myself in the occult but thing keep on happening that point me in a direction of growth. Video’s, interesting store man, scary astrologist man (I have not blogged about that – yet, message 4). I walked into or ‘dealt’ with:

– taking responsibility and relaxing and the difference

– listening to my inner voice with my whole ‘being’ while meeting the store man. Message 1.

– I have built up enough strength to listen to the negative or painful signals that give myself.Β  The negative self talk.

– I have felt and still feel how a possibility of an intimate relation in me (currently?) walks the same paths as an addiction does. It is amazing, frightening. I hope to get to ‘informative’ on a short notice because most of all it is very uncomfortable and it feels indeed like dis-ease. Message 2.

– My unblogged reactions to things that happened with the store man in the store have pointed out and made me feel through a nasty trait I have that I would describe as ‘overwhelming, destructive mother care’. Ieehks. I am guessing that was the 3rd message from the universe about the store man.

– I have doubts about my route. I see a situation of being flat broke coming up – I do think I have enough time to get myself organised and in a job before that. I try to feel my way into other possibilities than this slow forceless path I am taking. Cause that is I guess what I do. Take the natural path, find out where my truth is. I also have 2 drawers in my kitchen with food stock like flower, tomato paste, peanut butter, well, you know. When I came to live here, more that 13 years ago. I had no time to fill the drawer nicely so I chucked everything in and thought ‘I’ll clean that up when I feel like it.’Β  This morning I did. VERY NEW!!!!! Yes, groce, well, it has been cleaned out in between when I hired a cleaner for the backlog. But I have, in all those years, not done it myself and today I just did because I was there. To you it might sound insignificant but to me it is AMAZING!!! I think I ow it to my path and to the Schuessler cell salts of which there are some about ‘doing stuff’ and ‘cleaning up poisons in your body.’

– Whenever I doubt my way of dealing with sobriety and feeling my way back into life and I go inside and ask I get ‘The path is the destination.’ Today I thought that I would love to spread the nutrient – bach remedy – Schuessler cell salt approach to getting healthy after addiction to the world. But I must say (? must I?) I want to say to record this for myself in this blog here and now that I feel ashamed of that because it is like the ‘addict bingo’. Every addict says that they have found the way and they will cure the world. I feel stupid about this about myself. I get this ‘who do you think you are feeling’ and feelings of inadequacy immediately. It hurts. It makes me want to put my foot down and say ‘I do what I do! Who are you to comment on that?!’ Actually, sometimes it is good to have a large ego. Even if this new undeveloped idea of a route is not going to be the thing, still my negative self talk does not ‘have the right’ to speak like it does. Still talking child speak here when it comes to working out the negative self talk thing. I don’t understand the need for an organism to have it. I am convinced that every action and reaction are there for a reason and to discover the reason helps me heal. But maybe that is the whole thing; there is no reason BUT the bad use of the brain and ‘conditioning’. Ha! Tommy Rosen puts negative self talk under ‘aggravations’. Don’t know exactly what those are but they are sort of like addictions I believe. Negative repetitive behavior. Check!

– All these things are NEW. Also new is the idea that I have done enough for sobriety and might as well drink. How’s that for something over 4,5 months of sobriety. Alcohol repels me in such a way that I step back when I smell it on somebody. Not unlike my cat. And I pull a face. Very impolite. Need to work on that. So I don’t think that it is in real life going to be an issue. It is just that I don’t want these thoughts. And I had not expected them after this long. I guess they were brought along with being in a state of openness with the store man while he moved into his addictive mode and I got a vibe from it. Also starting to fall in love triggers stuff in me. Now I write this in daylight it does not sound like a healthy idea of love. Need to look into that.

– I felt through what happens if I want to clean the house. The cat was falling asleep on top of me NEW!!! and I wanted to clean but I could and I felt that I had to stay calm to not wake the cat and I felt in my body and brain how al the 10.001 options confuse me and make my brain overload and loose direction / focus. And then when I do something, like cleaning out the drawer without thinking about anything else, my brain is SO HAPPY. I need to feel my way into getting in that mode more. It is needed for me to start AND finish something and it is a quality that I need to develop in this incarnation. That has always been a very clear message – even when I drank. And I need it do be earning money in the future. So, I better get a move on and do stuff instead of writing this all down. πŸ™‚

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Schuessler salts keep on changing things in my body. It is amazing.

– Wrinkles disappear, my face returns, the ‘bags’ under my eyes lesson. My eyes however are still read and when I cry my tears drag itching, burning streaks over my face. And yes, you know me, I got myself a Schuessler salt for / against that – it is actually listed like that. literally. Not making it up here :-).

– I sleep at night, I dream again, like crazy. Last night about walking through the streets in the evening and seeing a young girl black out and drop down on concrete stairs. Nobody of her friends cared, they were drunk too and ‘she falls down every time, she drinks like a fish’. I tried to call the cops and realised that I did not know if she needed to go to hospital or not. I guess I have been there where I blacked out when I was young. Just never on the streets. Need to look it up. And then I actually left while having done nothing and then this tiny blond guy came to me and he was drunk and in pain over being addicted. He knew. And I told him it did not have to be this way and he clung to me and I could feel how he needed to be away from the alcohol, wanted it too but how big the pull of the alcohol was in him. I have never experienced it that bad. But I am curious how I know how it feels. I do not think I am in denial. This is not the way I feel about alcohol. Or maybe it is not the way I have allowed myself to feel about alcohol. There is another possibility. I can hear my mother’s influence there. I can almost feel here standing between me and getting addicted that deep down. Thank you mom. I thought you were a pain when it came to your critique on my drinking but I guess you saved me. Wow. Thank you mom. Crying now. My mom stopped drinking I think about 5 to 10 years before she died. She drank like 1 glass a month in the years leading up to her death. But she left half of the glass standing – like she only drank it not to fit out. She did a lot of those tiny things to not ‘stand out’ as the one that has cancer. πŸ™‚

– My bowel movements have stabilized into something that actually smells and smells healthy (no I do know you did not want to know that, this is specifically for my history).

– I am less thirsty and I have less ‘cravings’ for food. Taking the Magnesium Schuessler salt helps me drop the chocolate. It takes 3 days before I think of another chocolate experience after the last. And when I eat chocolate is starting to feel a poison to me now I notice what it does in my body. It gives me not heart palpitations but like there is a tiny, tiny, very tiny moth in my heart. Not butterfly, moth. But it is difficult to let chocolate go because by now ‘there is nothing else anymore’. And I know I have to let go of that feeling, that would be the ultimate freedom of addiction but I can’t (yet). I can feel that moment of brown rice, vegetables and fish is coming but please, please, please – not now, not yet. I can’t deal with that yet. Having said that I have eaten sushi all week. Lazy sushi: brown rice, piece of raw eco salmon, seaweed salad, cucumber, 1 avocado, all separate, nothing made to look nice. Every time I got home from the store man it was 21:something and I felt like fast food but I thought I would spend the same amount of money on quick good food. OOH! THAT IS VERY NEW!! So when looking at that I am in the brown rice, vegetable, raw fish zone. Ha! No no no no no no no no no. Not yet. Not going there now. It is actually calling me but I dislike the feeling of discipline that comes with it. Makes me feel trapped. Even though I ate like that for years. And was very disciplined then. Brrrrrr.

– I have a dowagers hump, the neck is starting to feel different and it looks like it is going away / becoming straight again. πŸ™‚ I would love that. It feels somehow related to the ‘relaxing but keeping the goal in mind’ experience I had with biking to the wrong address when relaxed. And it feels like it has to do with taking responsibility. Well, straightening out would be a good word. πŸ™‚ And I keep rolling my shoulder backward because hunching does not feel good any more. Squeeq, squeeq πŸ™‚

– I sometimes have tiny headaches because of dehydration because I forgot to drink tea. That is different too. 2 Weeks ago I drank at least 3-4 liters a day. Now I need to take care that I manage my 2 liters.

This was going to be a short post. πŸ™‚

Thanks for reading. I need to go do stuff and see the sun.

xx, Feeling