Throat infection, alcoholism, alexithymia, truth – possible 5th chakra issues

Home with a nasty throat infection after having been well, yeah ‘told off’ by my boss. He and I mostly see eye to eye but in this one case we did not and well, I overstepped (what’s new?) and he reacted. We got into an argument which was pretty much one-sided and left me confused and hugely frustrated. Some people in the company are not doing what they should be doing and he expects me to ‘make them do it’ but he does not fully and officially inform them of my position AND he, at that moment did not allow me to train them sufficiently. I hate that. I hate it to implement new rules and not inform people of this. I think this dislike to what I call a fascist way of teaching (yup, notice some anger here?) is a remnant of my past where I raced around trying to please a hugely chagrined caretakers hoping they would not (again) get really mad (over nothing – because they were tired, ill, frustrated and/or hung-over). The enormous, continuous tension in the house was unbearable for me. Walking on egg-shells, always.

Well, I am guessing my boss was in a bad mood, some business parts are not bringing what they should be and I guess that pisses him off. And I was not prepared for the conversation. I am happy that I quit because due to that I could realise how our energetic fields got entangled and how irritated and frustrated we were with each other.

So much of my life is repeating itself now. This feeling of me wanting to be the best of the class; only when I am perfect I have a right to live. Of me wanting to be liked by the boss: only when the top guy likes me I can be safe. And then my utter disbelieve and panick when being ‘told off’ – I have no other words for it.

My boss does not like me in panic mode. I feel it as if he needs me to be levelheaded otherwise he can not deal with me. Funny though he does appreciate me naming what is going on inside. When I block because I am confused and say ‘Sorry, I can not hear what you are saying because I am experiencing a block right now.’ he is ok. At which I secretly thank his wife for being as weird as I am. 😉 Guess she made him deal. Also I do not back away, I do not want to make him feel sorry for me or dodge a conversation, just explaining. But this time I did not. And when I do not say that he gets all irritated and, well, I would phrase it as ‘the energy around his body gets all sharp and tangled up’.

Well, this time I was not prepared for the conversation and felt like he was burdening me with other things than what the conversation was about but I could not say what I wanted to say because he was in his ‘I am the boss mode’ so it was a very unpleasant, unrewarding and all in all unsuccessful conversation. Yikes. Nasty. 5 Minutes later I start to develop anger and… a throat infection. I have been frustrated and angry for 2 days. Used that anger to be more decisive with colleagues which was, I guess, the goal of my boss mode but it did not feel good inside. It is just a sort of transfer of anger. No, not a sort, this transfer of anger.

The economy is catching on very quickly in our circles of business and getting and keeping good staff is an issue. I say: let’s take better care of people because in a lot of basic ways we do not. The person at the care-taker position has no family hormones and can actually spread three insults with one word. You think I am direct and blunt? Watch him. He’s my karma – and best friend of the boss. Aha! So my boss has a type in employees, ghegheghe… he likes direct, blunt people. His wife says he’s autistic. I would not know, due to my fathers autism I regard autism as normal in guys. It is my sad definition of ‘man’. 😦 I think he is very sensitive but sometimes lacks the tools to deal with that. Which might be the exact definition of autism. 😉

Whatever: what I wanted to say; I am home, sick, throat infection, sinuses infection, general feeling of blègh. Next week is the last week before my holidays and Wednesday I have an evening shift with 2 external companies so I need to get better quickly in order to leave the place well taken care off.

Well, this is a long intro in where I really want to get to: I have this idea that not being able to say the truth, being denied to hear the truth in early life has impacted my throat chakra in such a way that it ‘helped’ me to get addicted. Whenever I have throat infection (often, it used to be 4 times a year in puberty and now ‘only’ once every 2 years) my throat swells up and the stiffness is very difficult to deal with. As if I can’t breathe. I can, but it feels I can’t. Drinking cold drinks helps. Beer makes it all go away. Crying now over this remnant of addiction which is still alive in me. ‘Beer makes it all go away’. 😦 Sad now.

I had this ‘vision’ once; all the emotions / feelings  / energetic happenings run through the body and the nervous system / whatever acupressure lines in the body get condensed in the neck and create the emotional atmosphere around the larynx. Which, I’m thinking, is why we hear emotions in a voice. (Edit: reading the book of Anodea Judith on chakra’s now and it actually mentions that this is so. So it is not my original thought; I had read it before.)

5thchakra

The 5th chakra, the throat chakra is about truth in communication. From this page Chakras.info I copied some info in here. I left out the advertisements but kept the links. Please compare the emotional signs to those of people living with alcohol addiction. In my idea there is a 1 on 1 match. Obviously there is more to addiction than only this but, well, have a read.

A blocked throat chakra can significantly impact your ability to communicate effectively for fear of ridicule and judgement. A throat chakra blockage can also manifest as the inability to express and realize your truth in the world. When the fifth chakra is open and balanced, you are able to express yourself clearly and honestly in any situation with confidence.

Common Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

You may find yourself unable to speak your truth when you need it the most, or holding back on expressing your needs and desires. Perhaps, you long for realizing your dreams and living with a strong and clear purpose, but seem to not be able to quite get there. These are common signs that your throat chakra  does not function at its optimal level.

Physical Symptoms of Blocked Energy in the Throat Chakra

When the throat chakra is blocked or otherwise imbalanced, energy flow is hindered and can lead to physical symptoms affecting the head, mouth, throat, and neck. It is not uncommon to experience neck pain, headaches, hoarseness, and sore throat when the flow of energy through the throat chakra is disrupted.

Some common physical symptoms of blockage include:

  • chronic sore throat
  • frequent headaches
  • dental issues
  • mouth ulcers
  • hoarseness
  • thyroid problems
  • laryngitis
  • Temporomandibular disorders of the jaw (commonly known as TMJ)
  • neck pain

Consequently, the blockage can also impact your physical health. When you experience such signs of physical discomfort, healing practices focusing on the upper body area, in particular your neck and shoulders, can bring relief and allow energy to move more freely. Of course, for serious and recurring symptoms, please consult a physician whom you trust.

Emotional Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

When the throat chakra is imbalanced, the blockage can also manifest through non-physical symptoms that may impact you at various levels from psychological and emotional, to psychically and spiritually.

Non-physical signs of blockage can be more prevalent. Among the more commons signs are:

  • fear of speaking
  • inability to express thoughts
  • shyness
  • inconsistency in speech and actions
  • social anxiety
  • inhibited creativity
  • stubbornness
  • detachment

For instance, perpetuated blockages that are fairly significant can cause one to become arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. On the contrary, energy that flows freely through the throat chakra promotes effective, truthful communication. You are able to “find you.” You are confident, responsible, and can easily find the right words to express your thoughts.

A blockage of the throat chakra can cause you to become stoic, quiet, and fearful. The imbalance may also create feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and shyness when it comes to self-expression and speaking to others. Public speaking can cause near paralysis when the issue is a blocked fifth chakra.

An imbalance in the throat chakra can adversely affect many aspects of your personal and professional life. You may find you avoid social situations and are more comfortable alone. You may even become distrustful of your inner voice.

What To Do About A Blocked Throat Chakra

Clearing the throat chakra involves learning to let go and trusting your inner voice. Not a small task for a lot of us! Check out the general guidelines for throat chakra healing for practical ideas on how to restore balance in this center.

A few basic steps to clear this chakras include:

  • Working through and releasing all negative emotions, including guilt, hurt, and resentment can work wonders to restore energy balance in the throat chakra. Sometimes a good cry can also help alleviate a blockage of the fifth chakra.
  • Practicing mindful speech, action, and deeds can help you maintain throat chakra balance. For example, talk openly and honestly with others on a regular basis.
  • Meditating on and incorporating the throat chakra’s color, blue, into your life can also calm emotional upheaval. For instance, introduce blue-colored flowers or decor to your home environment.

In addition to all this I was wondering whether alexithymia – which, in a few words is the ‘inability to put feelings into words’ is related to a 5th chakra disturbance. And no, I do not want to place myself at the seat of your doctor in any way, I just came across this word for the so maniest time today in the sober blogosphere that I thought ‘how come’? Next: would there be a relation here which might be / feel true for some people. I know ‘as a fact’ or ‘as a fact which counts for me’ or ‘as something which feels true’ that my throat infections always have been caused by being lied to, not being able to speak the truth, being frustrated about not being able to voice my opinion. Blockages in the 5th chakra make people; arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. I think I can say ‘check’ on all of these. On the other hand those who have followed my blog also know (I hope) that I am a truth seeker. Not always on the right track, not always balanced – but seeking.

Looking at my Anodea Judith book now and she mentions ‘Alcoholism’ as one of the trauma’s in a child’s life which cause disturbances in the 5th chakra. She also mentions that a deficiency in energy in this chakra results in having problems with putting feelings into words, speaking out. Excess leads to talking too much (guess writing too much is included here ;-))

Anodea continues with: “Sometimes our safety and survival are dependent on suppressing our truth.” And ‘because of this we do not resonate with the truth and with others, we become disconnected’ (edited by me). Don’t we all recognise that? I find this process of starting to speak/write/live my truth has helped me to resonate with people and has improved my relations.

And yes: truth is ‘debatable’ if you will. People may say ‘there is no one truth’ and that is probably true. But that moment, I think it was right about now, 3 years ago that I realised that I had become dependent on the people of the detox clinic – and that I wanted to kill myself because they had not returned my phone call. Yes, yes, drama all around. Addiction does funny things when under stress. Well, at that moment, I decided to choose FOR me. To live MY truth. Not theirs. Not their way of putting me in a process, taking tests, assigning doctors etc. I find this world so confusing that I decided to start living along the rules of my truth. They say ‘people can not get sober on their own’ and ‘you need help’. Yes, I did and do need help, but not according to other people’s rules but according to mine. And yes I do screw up often in life and I would say that I have not gotten to the roots of my addiction when a day is spent Netflixing and eating cheese, chocolate and chips but I did do it the way I could and at that moment AND in hindsight I think for me that was the only way. With the addition: do not try this at home. I happened to ‘get away’ clean.

1% Of the people seems to make it to 1 years sober at the first try, with or without help. That is how strong addiction is. That is how strong the coping mechanism of alcohol and drugs are engrained in this society and in us people with addictive personalities. This 1% also motivated me highly to make sure I was part of that group. Also, I knew I would kill myself if I did not quit and I somehow figured out that would not be the solution I would have chosen if were not in active addiction. So, at that point it was quite a motivation. And not drinking seems to be somehow easy-ish-er for me than for others. I live alone, had no job then, all the time to myself. No relation to frustrate me 😉 or sink my sober boat with their aggression or own booze issues so I guess all of that makes it way easier. I am happy that I quit. And I still think I need to do more to be alive and sober. I also think to know that obviously, there are coping mechanisms in place within me because I somehow think that Netflixing with cheese, chips and chocolate (preferred over consciousness, compassion and choice 😉 ) is better for me. Until it gets boring. Like now. 🙂 Baby steps.

Back to the 5th chakra: Anodea Judith mentions ‘poisoning’ as physical issues too. Funny to realise that the last at least 10 visits I did to the GP were about poisoning, either by alcohol or something I ate. Hey! Next page of the book says: free writing, unedited writing = good. 😀 Ha! Guess I had made my own detox centre here.

Well, to be fair she also mentions ‘practicing shutting up;  in case of excess energy. :-D. That’s still work in progress. Who am I kidding. That is a goal for at least 5 life’s from this one. Anybody remember my last job where my boss said: “The only issue I have with your work is you talking too much.”  So yeah, I see some 5th chakra issues in me. Ghegheghe, funny in a not funny way. 😉 Also because that was not her only issue with me. But it was workwise.

I am happy that I quit.

I am grateful for: internet, for Schuessler salts because they help me deal with my throat infection, for the sober blogosphere because it has helped me to a lot to understand what is going on in addiction and I think I would not have been sober without it. I hope to somehow return to you what you have given but I still feel I am not ready to take ‘giving’ as a starting point in my life.

I am grateful for my beautiful friend whom I had a beautiful conversation with this morning. I am actually grateful for my job, my boss and my wonderful colleagues. I am grateful for my house and the cat who massages my back at night. 🙂 I am grateful to have been born in the Netherlands since we do not get to choose that. I am grateful for my parents who have taught me the alternative side of living, food and healing where I am much happier than in the ‘normal’ side. I am grateful for the wonderful books on sobriety and what have you written by people who ‘know their shit’. That is cool. I am grateful for all those who walk before me, either in time, skills or virtues and reach back.

Thank you all for making this world a beautiful place.

Well, another free written post to help balance the combined excess and deficiency of my 5th chakra. ;-). I hope there are some connections in this for people who read it. 🙂

Wishing you a nice day / weekend.

xx, Feeling

Basically it is a bitch fight over guys.

Well, boss read the letter of resignation and she was pissed off big time. And Monday morning brought 2 people from HR to the workplace and the required a talk with the boss first, then with me and then with the boss. Tuesday they came back and we had a talk with the 4 of us. Guidelines for contact have been set; basically we promised to act normal towards each other till the rest of the time and I am not allowed to disclose the content of my resignation letter.

My boss was angry. Totally out of herself angry. And then she started crying and what I understood from what she said is that she feared that I had set up the guys against her behind her back. This is when it hit me: she is right, I have tried to make myself secure by finding allies. BUT YOU STARTED IT!!!

Yes, that is exactly how childish it is. 😦 Queen bee being scared of her throne and me battling it out with her. And you know, if she would have said “I am sorry that I was mean to you but I feel threatened by you and how the guys like you.” All would have been ok. I understand that. And I would have said: “I am sorry that I got myself dragged into this, I am sorry that I looked for allies instead of talking to you. I had never thought I could. And it took me quite some time to confront you and set boundaries. I am sorry that I have been mean to you and lost sight of your humanity, my humanity. We have lost time in meeting each other. I regret that.”

Aaah, in hindsight: I am sorry that I have let myself be pulled into this. It is informative: now I know how it worked that she started to dislike me and treat me bad since ever I found my footing in the company and started being appreciated by my colleagues. 😦 I am guessing this is a nasty experience I would rather have done differently. Ooh, longing for the time where wisdom comes BEFORE I do something stupid.

So how come I did not see this. I did sense it, but I felt threatened because, well, because she did threaten me. :-/ She should not have. She does not earn at least 3 times my salary to behave like this, which is what I threw at her feet. Practised being angry again, now with HR there, they were impressed. My HR person said: “You two look a lot alike.” I answered that I had been afraid that this would be the outcome. I said: “I never fight, I never argue with people, mostly I am too scared. Now I do. I find that being angry feels better than being sad, I guess that is why a lot of people are so angry.” HR woman said: “Maybe that is why your boss is so angry. She is very sad as well.” “Yes, I noticed.” And then I told her what I wrote above, on the insight I had that we both fear that the other throws us out of the group. She understood. And she understood why I don’t believe the apologies my boss is making now. :-/

So basically it is a bitch fight over guys. 😉 Never thought I would make myself lose a job over such a stupid thing. Which does not justify her behaviour. But I was there too.

I am very happy that I quit because otherwise I would not ever have been able to look myself in the eye and come to that enormously silly conclusion. I am happy I did, and, if nothing changes, I will, in the end, explain my insight to her and offer my apologies. Hoping for ubuntu.

It is a strange world.

I have a ‘job application’ tomorrow / interview for taking on an assignment. Wish me luck. I am not feeling lucky but I would really appreciate this assignment.

xx, Feeling

New book! New book! Addictive thinking

The postman brought new books! Amongst which ‘Addictive Thinking – understanding self deception’ by Abraham J. Twerski. I have read the first few pages and believe I am in for a bumpy ride. It is about the nonsense addicts think and say to cover up the addiction. I call it junk speak – which in itself is addictive thinking because I am not a junk, I was (am?) alcohol dependent. Somehow, addictive thinking also has very much parallels to students telling me why they have not done their homework. 😉 But I am not supposed to say that because one might think that I am trying to down talk the addictive thinking… And I should not have said thát because it implies that I value socially acceptable answers above the truth – which is very addicty… And why would I even know that one could value the one above the other if I did not consider lying…. Aaaaaahrggggg!!!!!

Fucking get out of my mind! Piss off! And, maybe, just maybe, that is the whole point where I object against the (assumed?) tone of people speaking about addictive thinking. Fighting windmills here. I was going to put a grinning smiley here but I remember now how the invading interrogations of my mother and other adults left me baffeled and totally depleted much like I expect this subject to be. I grew up with 4 adults in the house. Nowhere to hide.

And I? About students and kids making excuses, or an addicted neighbour of mine, she repeats my funny stories to me with herself as the main subject?!! That is sad and la little embarrising but she thinks I am weird when I don’t laugh about her story. Difficult to deal with and I hate her lying about everything. Loosing jobs e.g., she turns up drunk, gets fired and the boss is an ass… Which brings us right to page 16:

Ironically, another characteristic of adddictive thinking is that while it distorts the thinking of addicts about themselves, it may not affect their attitudes towards others.

It is all nasty stuff, addictive thinking. But I feel I need to understand this because it feels like a big part of addiction and, with not doing the AA route and not telling people in my private life about my drinking addiction it is part of what I am missing out of so I’ld better get my hands on some material.

Unfortunately Twerksi continous:

Remember this, for it is important: Identification of addictive thinking must come from outside the addict.

Couldn’t you have told me that before I bought the book?! Well, suit yourself, since you say it is of no use to me I don’t have to read it. 😀 That was a joke. I guess. And that was the second joke. I am not supposed to say ‘I guess’ because, well, if you analyse the language content it is ‘hazy’ in the addict kind of unclear. Blablabla. As you see I am right into it. 🙂

So what’s with all the talking and the jokes? Not happy here. I  am afraid of the paranoia that builds up immediately in me when dealing with the subject of addictive thinking. It is one of my big fears. I do know my thinking and acting got seriously screwed up by the alcohol. I noticed parts of my behaviour change and noticed starting to lie about stuff like saying I was tired after dinner and going home to have a few drinks (a few? LOADS!). I’d quickly hide empty bottles when visitors would arrive unannounced. I found it very dishonering. It made me sad and desperate and feel worthless about myself – that became part of what I wanted to drown. Strange that writing about that ignites craving. Must be a trigger.

And I, I still I continued drinking. Why? Because I knew I was addicted and thought / knew (?) I could not stop. I am guessing at that time I could not and that I stopped at them moment  I could. But I will never know because alcohol is addictive, baffling and cunning and addiction will tell the drinker anything it wants and I bought into it. Well, no use in digging, waste of energy, need to focus on things that can and need to be changed. Or?

Happy that I did quit when I could. Happy in a tired way. I guess I hoped I was done and ready, seeing how easy everything went up to now. Works out that there’s a lot of stuff uncovered. Don’t want to go there. When I wrote this yesterday I became immensely tired of the darkness and the sudden racing of my brain. 😦 This is the first post I ‘edited’ a day after. Why? Quess paranoia, wanting to get it right. Don’t want to be ‘caught’. Which in itself…. pffffff.

It’s only a thin book, and small. So I’ll get to the next book ‘The Realm of the hungry ghost’ quickly. I am fantasising now that it should make for some lighter reading :-D. Which in itself is a time issue that is…. pfffffff. Aaaaahrgggggg!!!!!

Again, happy that I quit, but only so because I don’t have to do the previous weeks again. Proud? Nope. Apprehensive. Yes.