Tomorrow my boss and I will sit down to discuss my contract. I have been all over the place since the audit only to come back to earth since this morning. I slept in, came to work at 10:00 which is 3 hours later than normal, spend 3 hours on doing the SWOT analyses on the company and reworked my function. It is only when I came to ‘what actually makes me happy’ that I landed back on earth since the audit. The audit was a tremendous accomplishment but it gives me little joy because again and again I seem to find out that I can do amazing things: tet to know the people and the workings of a new company in no time, learn a 4 cm file of audit procedures, apply them succesfully in half of the time it takes other companies. And then? I am still the same lonely person in that tiny boat on the ocean weathering a storm. Last night even the ocean, the sky and the boat dropped away and I found myself floating freely through the universe, nothing and nobody within reach.
I realised that the only thing what made me happy was the work some collegues and I did together; good, harmonious, productive, result oriented game changing work.
So I changed my job description for myself: I am not doing the work I am doing anymore, I will be working towards enabling people to do their job well and enjoy it. And use the procedures behind the whole audit system to get there. Let’s hope my boss agrees. 😀
I also did a Strenght – Weaknesses comparison on myself and asked some collegues what they would think I should change in my approach to work / them. I got: loosen up, don’t be such a perfectionist, don’t interfere with my shit, be more to the point, don’t be so hard on yourself. And everybody agreed that what made me so good at my job is also what makes me bad at my job / makes it difficult for me to do it so there’s a twist. Or not, because we found out that it is all about balance. I told them that I hoped that I could find some more balance if I take some time off and work normal hours.
And, bwaahahaaa, obviously that is not going to happen just like that. Ask the addict for balance, ghegheghe… Well I’ld better because I feel that I need to be in this company but shit, it is difficult sometimes because parts of me want to run. Last night I let all the feelings out and ended up reliving the death of my twin brother and how this did not really prepare me for easy living. This sadness which is inbred, difficult. The overwhelming experience of him and I being two and one, the total understanding of everything and then his death. Makes me unable to believe anything can be good, unable to trust good things; they will be ruined, it will be taken away, don’t get attached, it will hurt badly before you can blink twice.
Boss came in and asked me how things were. I told him that I had been boggling things up since the audit but that I had landed again since an hour. He said he noticed, was ok with it, told me that it is ok to continue to boggle things up (literally!) but alert him if I needed help.
I find that I have a strange life.
My bloodpressure is sky high. Has been since I accepted this job but is still high now. I always think that ‘it will change tomorrow’. We all know that tomorrow never happens. 🙂
I am trying to go back to doing what a woman who loves herself would do but I am too stressed out to make stuff happen. First it was because of the test audit, then it was because of the audit, now it is because of the contract and salary meeting tomorrow. I want a 50% raise. I’ve been looking stuff up on the net and that would be what a starter in this function makes. I am not a starter. Then again, the company is going through a transition. – not sure if I am getting what I think I should earn and I do not want to leave. I do not stay for money, neither do I leave for it. Money is a dissatisfier when it comes to rewards.
I want my job title to change to manager and I want a study budget for books. Funny that a 500 Euro book fund would make me happier than 10 times a 50 euro raise. I want to have 2 – 3 clear projects to work on at the same time, no more. Not the 2595 I did before. And I want a permanent contract and I want my boss to be direct when he speaks to me, I want things to be addressable in general. Let’s see. 🙂
I am happy that I quit. Life has been tough lately but it has also brought me the realisation that I: need to learn to ease down and need to learn to control ‘stuff’ – being the emotions running wild. More and more I come to think it has to do with my sugar intake. I wake up normal and then at 16:00 when I start eating chocolate everything falls apart. And you know? I don’t dare to try to live without it. Have we heard this before?
I am happy that I quit drinking. I need to continue quitting destructive behaviour. I start to want things to be easy and I guess this time I mean that for real. Nah, checked, I still don’t. I do not feel alive when there is no stress. Guess there is a point to work on.
Wishing you a good evening / day. Hoping the addict thingies do not bugg you. To me not drinking is not the issue. Living healthy and taking care of me still is although I guess to the world I am making progress in business things. We shall see. Wish me luck and balance for tomorrow. 🙂