Bloodshot eyes

I copied this below text from a comment of mine on Prim’s post. She is moving into the podcast world :-).

My reply: Less internet… yeah, another issue of the week. I had a talk with my eyes why they are so red – like I am still drinking. 😦  And it went like this:
Hi eyes, how are you?
Not good!
Sup?
You make me see things I don’t want to see.
Like what?
Like the computer all the time. You look at the mean stuff (Prison Break) and there is nothing I can do.
Is it not good?
No, it is bad for me. I was born to see beauty and life. Not mean people all day.

That actually made me look in a whole different way at watching TV or film. Sobriety: it is all about what I take in and leave out. I have a pile of books lying around (surprise!) and in order to relax or quit living I watch Prison Break. I think I need to start to zone out there too and move into another mode. Slowly, slowly though. Watching TV has been the pressure lock on the pressure cooker so I’ll let go slowly.

Slowly aligning with how I think we (I) were (was) meant to be. And funny, I never believed in this positivity stream of thinking and ‘you attract what you are’ but using techniques in there just ‘on feel’ I come to realise that it might actually be very helpful. Still not big on the ‘where there is a will there is a way’ aspect that is in there. I find it too assuming. But I do notice that it is easier to follow a good example or a good thought (Happy that I quit) and try to align myself with it than to try to figure out what and how and force my way into improvements of my life that I feel I can’t make yet.

I had a friend, she could only do things by gaining an insight – that would spark her. She could never just do stuff because she had to. I despised her for that. Sorry ex-friend. Now I understand. She quit a multi-drug addiction when she got to the part where she started using crack. Just quit just like that. It must have taken a MAJOR DECISION and loads of maintenance of that decision. I always felt that her energy for making decisions had been stuck there so she could not ‘just do stuff’ anymore. Like I now. And then she became very interested in personal growth. I guess I understand the importance of that now too. 🙂

I need to go do stuff. The laying about after the admin was done yesterday has been ok. It did take almost 1 bar of chocolate but that is ok too.

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. That’s it. Very happy that I quit. Jason Vale in his book ‘Kick the drink easily’ says something like: from day one start being happy that you quit. I thought; he know’s his shit, I’d better do that. So I actually have an egg-timer here that I set every 15 minutes. It has a little piece of tape on it saying ‘Relax’, ‘Check emotions’ and ‘Follow the plan’. The last one did not work but I guess I’ll get around to it in another way. By speaking with my eyes e.g. so they tell me to stop watching TV. Am I crazy? No :-D. I am feeling.

I want: to sort my life out and clean

I need: to get a job.

I take: I have viewed an interesting video online about Iodine. I think I have an Iodine shortage because the base of my neck was swelling slowly. It left when I started taking Iodine pills. Iodine is the mineral that helps cells to clean themselves up when they are old or the DNA is not good anymore. The thought was that lacking Iodine can therefore cause cancer cells to grow. Also, lacking Iodine causes fybrocystic breasts and breast cancer. I never knew what that was but I looking at the online photo’s I have that. No wonder my breast (yes back to the subject) are going south now I eat kelp pills and a cell salt that includes Iodine. The video doctor also said that we need at least a 100 times more Iodine than is advised so I’ll up intake of seaweed (brown rice with seaweed and fried egg – that’s an ok lunch) and see where it gets me.

Yes, yes, I’ll also check out what the effects of too much Iodine are. Iodine eats Selenium in the process so I’ll check out if this is included in the seaweed or that I need to add that. I would LOVE to get rid of the lumps in my breast that make every doctors eyes open up wide in a da-fuck-I-hope-this-is-not-cancer kind of way when I check in. My mother died of breast-cancer. It has been controlling our family since I was 11 years old. Hence the fascination. And I was bottle fed ;-).

And, in case you have read my blog a little longer you are starting to learn why NOBODY in my life actually thinks it is weird that I quit drinking. It is just another flavor of the season health thing.  Gheghegheghe…. they go like: ‘What is it you are not having  or not having this time?’

There comes a day that I will not be needing to create so much fog around me when it comes to health. I hope there will be a day that I can maybe finally trust my body will not give in ‘all of a sudden’ like it did with my mother. 🙂 In between I will learn to focus my energy on HEALTH instead of being afraid that I get unhealthy. 🙂

HA! Check this out!!! I wanted to add in a photo on swelling of the neck but instead found this: a swollen tongue! I have that but did not know what caused it. Works out to be caused by Iodine deficiency. Tadaaaa! Seaweed! Here I come!

Look and you shall find. Ask and you shall be given. Knock and you shall be opened.

How is addiction present in my life?

Before watching: the Facebook pages are nice photo’s with inspiring texts and the comments say things like ‘you are so wonderful’, ‘you are so inspirational’ and ‘this is so deep’ etcetera. And then it continuous with a real lousy life. Exactly like I feel today. Trying  to get my life in order and it is not working! AND IT SHOULD WORK TODAY! NOW! 🙂

What happened? I promised the addiction counsellor that I would pick up The Plan again AND do a big part of my admin AND do 1 application and 1 contact for a possible assignment. I am doing it but also getting frustrated with myself. And then somebody through Facebook sends me this vid out of nowhere. Watch and laugh, or cry. Not sure yet… It is a beautifuly, insightful video / sarcastic piece of shit. Not sure either. 🙂

Happy that I quit. If only because otherwise I would still be drinking and have to carry bottles out.

PS: The man being dressed as a women is not an addition to the story (or maybe it is). It is just the format of the series.

Addicted to deep experience

Yesterday I felt normal. Today I think I am bored. I had forgotten about this thing, to me it feels like an addiction thing where boredom and being normal is absolutely unbearable.

I am not bored. No I am not bored, I am stalling so thoroughly that I close myself up for every feeling just to make sure that guilt does not enter my premises. There are things I need to do, like The Plan and extra stuff. I know (?) that The Plan is The Step to the Next Level. Hmmm, thinking error: it should not be Next Level, it should be organic, all around, carried from within, not walking stairs in nothingness to a Next Level. So this implies that I am waiting for The Next Level to happen while actually it is not about the next level, it is about the transformation I undergo while doing The Work of following The Plan.

So today I am stalling because there are things I need to do that I do not want to do AND I certainly don’t want to feel how bad I feel about that.

Just did an exercise in feeling how it would be to not have that feeling of guilt lurking at my doors. There’s a hint: walls disappear and I tumble forward into nothingness. Down the rabbit hole into timeless nothingness. No direction. It is like floating on my own through the Universe, without the stars and planets. It is that feeling where you are in nature and look at a starry sky and the moon. This overwhelmingly big awareness of being. Where you realise the magnificence of it all and feel both intense loneliness and intensely connected.

And now internalize the feeling of connectedness, do not direct it at the universe or a higher power, keep it within and around you. Keep breathing.

Take out the stars and the moon, the earth and everything and everybody on it but stay with the feeling that was within and around. And breathe…..

So that’s where I go if I don’t put up walls of dislike and apprehension. I think I’d better sit with it. Watch the grass grow. Otherwise I keep on running and hindering myself by throwing up unnecessary walls.

Time to do stuff.

What does it take to start living?

I have quit drinking, I have no cravings but I still have the idea that I am somewhat ‘in repair’. But the fog is gone. Finally, that only went with quitting sugar for 100%. It is funny how I can know stuff and still not act upon it AND be surprised that if I do, it actually works. Do you recognise that? No, not in me, in you. I feel (? realise?) it is connected to the ‘doing the same stuff over and over again and expecting different results’. But that saying never hit home in me. I don’t understand it. Which makes me curious because that mainly means that I block something. :-D. I guess I’ll find out with the ‘Addictive thinking’ book.

Also gone are 5Kg, have not lost any extra in the last week but I am guessing that is because I eat more often in order to prevent my sugar from dropping. I am HOPING of course that it is because my fat is turning into muscles because of the excercise I do. (Drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam, dream, dream, dream, dream, drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam).

Another physical change: the whites of my eyes have gone white in stead of yellowish white with red. I still have a little red but that comes from dry eyes. And my A4 paper shakiness test is good now 🙂 Yeah!! The red colour of my hands has gone as well, the tops of my fingers are still a little red.

My breasts have dropped half a size and 3cm and they have gone soft now, it is not the bloated right in your face I’ll shoot you if you say something I don’t like kind of war gear anymore. But that is good, and ok at my age. My face, neck and decoltage are not bloated anymore. I really like that, like I’m coming back to life from behind the fog. Everything more defined, more clear. 🙂 That’s what I want. To become clear.

And now I need to start doing stuff.

NB: Have you filled in the poll on hangovers in my former post? Please do! It is anonymous btw.

Do I have the right not to feel guilty?

One of the blogs I follow touched on the subject of feeling guilty about drinking. Not sure if anybody noticed but I haven’t touched that subject knowingly yet. Funny that I do think that I should feel guilty and pour my heart out before I can be healed. That is a very Catholic concept. Or is it a human concept as well. It is true if relations get hurt, then you need to get things clear before continuing.

Not sure if I am avoiding it. BS. No, I don’t want to go there. Yes, I am sure that I am avoiding guilt. I am avoiding guilt and saying that there is no use in feeling guilty AND that it is destabilising, which is very true AND saying that it is too early to make amends; I do not have the emotional stability and the mindset yet to do so.

And…. I knew up front that making amends would be a big thing if I would continue drinking and say, start looking for fight or whatever if I was pissed. So I hid my drinking and did not contact others while drinking or drunk. Nor drive cars. I would not drink or halve or quarter my intake if I had to drive in the early morning or would be seeing people.

I look back and I feel sadness, I felt and therefore was powerless when it came to alcohol, did not have the tools, the information, the maturity or the rock bottom yet, not sure what. It IS an addiction. That is what addictions do. When looking back and stumbling on hurtful situations of 20 years ago I, I don’t know, it just hurts. It makes me sad, it shows me how strong alcohol is.

I keep on thinking: I would not have done any of these things if I had not been addicted. Is that an excuse? It is a reason. If we take the statement that alcohol addiction is an illness it is an excuse. Or? Or should I say: If I had not let myself become addicted I would not have done any of these things. If we truly believe alcohol addiction is an illness, how come I and I assume a lot of all the people that I know think that alcohol addiction is a choice, or, at best, lacking to choose not to be addicted.

But I can not change what happened. In that I am powerless too. It is not good to put energy in wanting to change the past. It screws me up, can’t be done. I can look back. It hurts.

Non of this is the point. The point is that I think that I should feel guilty. And, push the ranting button: I don’t want to go there because this Idea of Guilt has been put there by people who are big on guilt and I defy them! He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone (at her)!!!

Sooooo, nicely caught up in my guilt trip. 🙂 🙂 This is therapist stuff, not gonna do this by myself. All in all it feels like a shitload of addict speak. Looking forward to the book on Addictive Thinking. See what that’s gonna bring.

Cliché time: If you want to change the past, change today.

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character; watch your character: it becomes your destiny.

Happy that I quit. Happy that I am free of the alcohol. There’s stuff to do for sure but happy that I am free. Proud of the stuff that I did today. Loads of deep cleaning, should have done more. Will continue. And the cat is getting grumpy with the egg timer going off every 15 minutes so I can check on my emotions, practise in relaxing and check if I am actually following the plan. It is working. More often now I notice that my thoughts run of to a dark non relaxed place and I call them back.

Slowing down

Noticing that I am slowing down in my process. Not sure why. I’m sort of getting bored with deep thinking and problems. Want to go do stuff. And then I don’t, well, I don’t do what is in The Plan. And then I turn to the oracle site and after ‘throwing’ the coins it starts rambling on nourishment…. Ghegheghe. Read it, it is amazing. It actually mentions ‘frugality’ – had to look that up but it means ‘sobriety’. :-). Guess I’m gonna need to practise on the modesty…

I / Providing Nourishment

Beneath the immobile Mountain the arousing Thunder stirs: The Superior Person preserves his freedom under oppressive conditions by watching what comes out of his mouth, as well as what goes in.

Endure and good fortune will come. Nurture others in need, as if you were feeding yourself. Take care not to provide sustenance for those who feed off others.
Stay as high as possible on the food chain.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:

You are a conduit in this instance, able to provide the sustenance needed by others. Position yourself to nourish the truly needy and worthy. Avoid situations where you might be coerced into supporting the parasites and vermin who deprive your true charges.
Your own nourishment is an issue here, too.
Remember Lao Tzu’s three Great Treasures:
Only the person possessed of Compassion, Modesty and Frugality can remain fit enough to stay free of desperation and keep control of the situation.

I had 2 ‘changing lines’ and this is what they say:

Climbing to the summit to obtain nourishment for others, you are as alert as a tiger ready to spring. This is the correct path.

And:

Unspeakable delights tempt maddeningly from the far bank.
You must not cross this stream.

I can’t place the last sentence, I am guessing it is meant for a person that I have been in (written) contact with this morning. We shall see, she ‘ll know. 🙂 Message from me to you: Don’t cross, see the maddeningly for what it is.

And so much for the vagueness of a Monday morning. I’d better get back to The Plan. It is calling me and yes, I am trying not to hear it, want to do the addictive things, live in the computer, catch up on some episodes of Mastercheff. But live wants to live and there is this call of action in me. Better use it otherwise it dies in me and I want to get back into living. 🙂

Thank you for reading, hope it makes sense. 🙂

I am happy to be alive, happy that I took the time to listen to my real self, not the addict part of me. Happy that I met GP1 who kept her cool and has this very, as I call it ‘polite but determined no’ to booze and it made me think  ‘I want that too!!!!!!’  🙂 🙂 🙂 THANK YOU!!!

Pride has changed into something like ‘contentment’. I am guessing pride is an emotion in relation to others, contentment is more within. Aah, contentment AND the pull of doing things and the judging of the fact that it is 11:11 now and I am not doing what I should be doing. And that is another funny thing because look up 11:11 on the net and it says that people who are on their Path see the figures 11:11 often on the clock.

Away with the fairies. The Plan is calling.

Addict bingo

Having received a 1000 Euro bill on a 4 hour intake for a detox programme I thought: might as well set up my own camp. And, I am guessing with that I have come to complete all the exclamations of an ex-addict in repair. Like ‘I can do this by myself’ and ‘I am sure I will never drink again.’ and what have you? My book on Addictive Thinking has not arrived yet so I am not totally up to date with my own cunning.

However, I did think I’d draw up a ‘addict bingo’ like you have ‘buzzword bingo‘. So I turn to Google and search on addict bingo to get some inspiration. Works out that one can actually get addicted to bingo….. 😦 So, no results on addict bingo. Loads on bingo addict..

Of course there is a way around it with the below search. But I did not press that search button because already this autocomplete list oozes pain and aggression. I am guessing it were not addicts looking for a speech topic that entered these searches. 😦

So maybe I can, say, start to do something useful with my time. Like have a life. Do The Plan.

On thing: did I tell you my blood pressure is back to normal? Yeah!!!! 2 Weeks ago it was still too high and now it has dropped about 30 points in total on both levels together. Hurray! And of course that was before the pint of blood they took from me today for testing. 😉

Proud that I quit and that it is paying of in measurable numbers. Happy that the sun is shining. I’m gonna do some more cleaning of my library and sing loudly. That’s how I roll today. 😉

What?!! Yes, I went running

Got in my tights, hurray for the heavy stretch quality, did up the hair, laced up (in?) the boobies, got the sneakers out, dried the running jacket and collected the schedule and the egg timer. Hurray too for egg timers.

Did the running. It went well, no pain in the chest, no funny shortage of breath, no swollen joints hurting, just running in the park under lovely old trees that have seen it all.

I also had an experience of awareness in/of (?) my shoulders and upper back. That is new.  I can not remember ever having felt that. It had to do with the trees and nature and realising that I am only a tiny bit of Creation and how futile my worries actually are. I could unburden. That is new. I don’t have to wait with being relaxed till I am perfect. That is new too. I like it.

Happy that I quit drinking. Happy that I ran. Happy and proud that I have given myself a second chance at living.

So far, on The Plan

Pfffff, don’t feel like writing on The Plan. Should be doing it instead of writing. But:

Went to the GP, she’s ok with the extensive blood tests on thyroid and copper, zinc, etc. but the vitamins and minerals are on my own account. No way the insurance is going to pay for that. SHIT. That’s about 2000 Euro. Let’s see if and how to fit that in. My blood test from 4 months ago was pretty much OK so maybe I can do with smaller doses… Note to self, don’t fret, use brain to work it out. Call HRC, ask help.

Did 30 minutes of deep cleaning of 2 shelfs of cooking books. Chucked out about 20. I included the deep cleaning that I did not due yesterday.

Did read in the new book; Get Sober, stay sober. It’s a book on the nutrients approach to alcohol addiction in general. It starts of with focussing on Candida / yeast infection which is generally pretty big in people who use a lot of alcohol and sugar. And JUST when I decided that this IS the last book I will read on the nutrients approach she mentions: make sure you read book A, B and C too. I won’t, not now. I should half my time on this book and put the study time and energy in working out how to do the nutrients approach.

Read this book if you want to learn about the nutrients approach. Be assured to read it if you eat loads of sugar and refined starch, have any yeast issues like this swimmer stuff or if it itches in places you don’t scratch in public.

Don’t read the first chapter if AA is your sole friend.

And now, now I am waiting for my food to settle and ready myself to start running again. Yes… Running. Oooh, noh, can’t. Jacket is in the washing machine. Hmmm. (Who put that there?)

Well. Yoga it is. Running tonight. I’ll just plough through my all my dislikes and see what happens. Some things I think I got to feel my way through, these things I need to act my way trough I guess. And, in the sideline feel what happens.

I am very happy that I quit because it has restored to me my ability to deal with and improve my life. I am not proud on how I am doing on The Plan. But I am proud that I am giving it what I got and I am confident that it will sort itself out within a week or so, or two… Something like ‘urgency to perform’ is being born. It is stimulating. Need to keep an eye on it because it is not the most friendly stimulus in me.

Homework

Woke up early, hadn’t finished my self assigned homework for GP3 yet. Would love to get her help on the nutrients approach to dealing with alcohol addiction. Mostly, mostly because I believe in it and also because I would LOVE to do something about my memory loss, stress levels, sensitivity to chemicals and hypoglycemia. Those are in step 4 or 5 in the process.

Last night I went to see a friend. We had dinner and a very nice evening. We have known each other for 2-3 years now and see each other every week or every second week and call at least on a weekly base. I tried to start a sentence when she was in the kitchen and I in the hall playing with the cat. I forgot here name. And it did not come back to me for at least 5 minutes. By then there was panick involved but shit, shit, shit this is nasty. I have that a lot of times. I forget what we spoke about, I forget when we met. How can I ever get a job at my level if my memory is that bad?

And I feel like a hypocrite wasting my brain for years, one of the good things I’ve got going for me, and now suddenly worrying about it.

I am guessing part of it has to do with having no structured week. Weekend, weekdays, they are all the same to me. And I do all the same things, mostly hanging in front of this screen. So I need to get variety of places of actions and oxygen to my brain. I will. Let’s see how I do with The Plan today. There is some running time on the list.… Don’t hold your breath 😉

No! There shall be no upfront excuses or jokes about not committing to the plan! Either do or don’t and monitor what is going on. No joking.

Happy that I quit, proud of it but aware that the real test is only to begin. No, no gloomy thoughts; I am happy that I have given myself this sober new start in life and I am looking forward to deal with whatever comes on my way walking my path. 🙂 No assumptions of bears or whatevers on the way. Just happy. Ok, happy in a tense kind of way.