What is denial? How did you deal with that?

I just read a beautiful post at A Hangover Free’s blog. A men sends in a letter to a newspaper about his 26 year old alcoholic daughter. He, his wife and daughter live in one house and the daughters addiction linked behaviour is getting out of hand. A person who seems to be very familiar with addiction, denial and the (family) dynamics around this replies to the man’s letter. Please read here.

The whole situation made me think about my own drinking and how strong the denial about the problem was.

I still have no clue what-so-ever as to what words people could have used to make me see my drinking was a problem. Until I myself began to see it as a problem I just denied everything. Well, I have literally known from the first drink that I would get addicted but with that thought the denial already set in. I wanted to drink. Well, maybe I did not want to drink but I DEFINITELY did NOT want to be me. I wanted to ‘not experience being me’ in a very destructive way and I immediately felt that alcohol was the ‘right’ tool for that.

At my first, second or possibly third drink something ‘split’ away from me. Something I did not want to have true. It moved away from me and sided with all the other separate stuff I had unloaded on this, well, non-existent ‘me’ who walked beside me. Actually, come to think of it, this whole pack of unprocessed, denied memories and energies actually has a place next to my body; it walks at 4-5 o’clock behind me. And then there is this hurt part which I am aware-ish off which I have lifted up in the heavens. That comes with me at 1-2 o’clock at arms length above me. Do you also have these ‘not tangible’ ’emotional’ ‘storage rooms’ around you?

This is the first real day of my holidays. I have difficulty grasping the concept of it. The other day I was telling my neighbour that I would bring extra food (left overs from lunch) home from work because ‘That is so handy in the holidays, so I don’t have to cook.” Today I called the office for them to check upon a machine because there has been a little child running around my dreams for 3 days nagging me about the thing secretly not functioning. Sigh…. I did not ask for confirmation. I really need to let go. That, and only that has been my goal of the last days; relaxing in what I do. Eat chocolate like crazy? Take off the blame. What would a woman who loved herself do now? She would not eat chocolate. Can I not eat chocolate? No. I can not. But I can not hate myself for it. That is when rest settles in. In that rest I can experience the ‘restless energy’ which makes me grab the chocolate again, it actually feels like a frightened girl child trying to sooth itself rather mechanically. :-(. Wonder where she came from. Funny thing, me sitting here wondering if that is me. In a post about denial. I think to know it is me. Ha. But that is the brain only. There is no recognition in senses, in feelings. And before you (i!) know this whole experience slips away from me into, what? another compartmentalization. Life is a funny something.

My theory is that anything we do is based in the idea that it is good for us. So I prefer(ed?) denial over truth because I was somehow convinced that it would bring me less harm. Less shame, less guilt, less pain than knowing what my drinking was doing to me and my surroundings. Untill that balance is broken I find (I guess anybody finds) it difficult to change my behaviour. Unless we (i!) become conscious of what we (i!) do and how we (i!) react we (i!) apply coping mechanism after coping mechanism on everything we (i!) can not come to grips with. Then there is another natural rule: we like things easy and automatic, which is why things do not easily become conscious.

And a third rule might be that we live in a society which has unconsciousness as God. From anything to everything, we like it unconscious; we eat food made by unconscious people who do not care about the consequences of their actions upon animals, crops, water and fields and future. Look around in a supermarket and 95% if not more of what is available does not qualify as food; calorie bombs with chemicals and no nutritional value. It is detrimental to our health and we would be better, healthier and happier without because is does not add to us, worst; it ruins us.

We wear cloths of which the materials have been grown in fields with people who get diseases and miscarriages because of the pesticide big companies use on the cotton crops. Their water supplies are depleted and their land is wasted, never to be used for food again. We live in cities where the noise and distraction levels are so high it is difficult to even hear our own thoughts or sleep at night because of the light pollution. We are chained to anything which is digital, non-human, non-natural. We overfeed ourself with digital, visual and sound impulses till late after bedtime and call this life. We wake up moaning and demanding coffee to counteract the restless sleep that happened.

We bore out the second it gets quiet. Our standards for living are so ‘high’ that we need 2 jobs in a family to support the house, the 2 cars, the holidays, the clothing, the everything. Children get tucked away in schools, pre-school care, after school care, summer camps and whatever classes we see fit for them to take to ‘let them develop’.  But few of them actually get their 2 hours of physical play in open, unpolluted air which are a minimum for healthy physical, social and emotional development. We are pacified from birth to seniority by pacifiers, ADHD medicine, television, game computers, phones, internet, booze, drugs, all kinds of medication for mental illnesses up to our dying age.

Within one generation from visiting people by walking over to them and using the backdoor to step into the house without knocking we have gone to being offended when somebody actually calls – instead of ‘apps’. Our relations are digital, we share all of our life in pictures, blogs and emoticons online but a phone call is an intrusion of ‘privacy’ – not so much because they are actually intimately involved with anything at any time but because we are so overfed that it is an effort to really connect to a person at any given moment.

We live far away from what has been natural for thousands of years. When we get ill, which we do, have no doubts about that, we go see a doctor and get ‘medicine’ which are as synthetic as our lives and we are surprised we don’t get better. Or worst: we develop other illness as unfortunate ‘side effects’ or we get addicted to them.

/ Ok, Thoreau mode off.

And still; you know this. I know all of this and do I change? Nope. Well, yes, a tiny little bit. I minimized meat intake to once a week, not buying any, just eating 2 bites of chicken at work because it is in the lunch. I still eat cheese like crazy. I still wear cotton clothes, 2nd hand most of it. I live in a city. It drives me crazy. I will become ill of it, if I not already am. If this, this spilling my heart out on the internet is not already very much a symptom of the disconnected world I experience AND contribute to. Denial is everywhere. And I do not even know how to change. Baby steps Feeling, baby steps.

Oh, by the way, I do know how to change: by giving up all addictive behaviour I have. But I don’t. I guess I do not like consciousness because above is the floodgate of dislike, of hate, of experiencing displacement and powerlessness which opens up whenever I really start thinking about life.

Then, when I take a step back it looks like an addict all-or-nothing trait. Like talking the world upon my shoulders but not even being able to take care of my chocolate intake. Something with a serenity prayer ;-). What I write when in Thoreau mode is not untrue, it is just, well, I can only change what I have influence on and it is of no natural use to me to worry about things I can not change.

How did I get off track? Hmmm… Well, denial is/was so strong because my addictive part is (was!) absolutely convinced that it would be disastrous to not drink. Only when I found myself in the darkest of nights and where the disadvantages grew I could not muster the strength anymore to keep up the walls of denial and truth came seeping in. Which is only a logic result to how the Universe is organised. If I do not set boundaries to destruction, the outside world will do it for me, eventually.

quote-in-nature-there-are-neither-rewards-nor-punishment-there-are-consequences-robert-green-ingersoll-283891

goodjudgmentcomesfromexperience

I had no clue as to how to stop destructing myself and then somebody in a car drove me off my bike while I rode it on a pedestrian crossing. His anger towards me enormous and he was an enormous guy, even for a Dutchy. But I only saw him and what he did as a reflection of my own destruction. And that is what shook me: “My self-destructive habits have taken me over and others are acting upon it.”

Obviously he had NO right at all to actually yell at me for him not seeing me (yes, that is what he did). Or drive me off my bike at a pedestrian crossing. Or not even see me there. I mean? Well, that aside. But I am thinking this whole experience was not about that. It was about the Universe making me ready to give in. Or me caring so badly for me that it was not unnatural to be hit by a destructive force from the outside. Weaklings in a group get picked out and are preyed upon. I went to the GP to check on the arm which had a wound. Or I was ready to take this as a lesson from the Universe. What ever way… it happened. And in hindsight is was good. 🙂

What was good about the GP’s behaviour is that she did not push me energetically. She did not try to persuade me. She offered a soothing proposal and then withdrew, respectfully waiting for me to reply. She told me: “On your terms and in your time.” and she meant it. (sort of ish, but enough for me to buy it) And because of her not pushing I did not have to build a wall of denial. Does that make sense?

I had told her the week before that I drank too much and that it had become a problem. She asked me why I had not changed things. I said I could not.
“Why not seek help?”
“That makes it real and that is embarrassing, I am so ashamed.”
“So because you are ashamed about your problem you do not seek help to change it?”
“Eh, yes.”

That’s when the penny dropped. Ghegheghe, this discrepancy is the first time I could looked at how denial about drinking worked for me. I guess I was ready to change and because she spoke without judgement I could listen.

To me denial is not about ‘not knowing’, I was constantly aware-ish of my drinking issues but I well, yeah, denied it; I made sure it did not come to the front of the brain. And when it did, like when it was undeniable because I did something stupid I covered it up with guilt (feeling guilty is a nice way to not to have to change anything – since you are feeling guilty already… ) and drank a little more just to not feel bad. Looking back there was a lot of power in that denial. And ha, funny in a not funny way; a lot of energy was locked into it too. It takes a LOT of energy to deny stuff.

During the writing of this post I did some online research. Came up with a vid of Teal Swan which I think is very informative and I think right in the sense of ‘correct’ or ‘she understands it the way I understand it.  As before: she is acquired taste and she is controversial but I like what I have seen of her so far. And yes, I do watch with care because (sorry Teal) something about her mimics does not always ring true. What she says does though, to me. I love her lists of steps. Never do any of it but it makes the process clear.  Hope you enjoy.

 

I am happy that I quit. Today this thought came to me: Sadness is loss which is not accepted. I am not sad about not drinking, I am happy that I said goodbye because it was a choice I made and I had and took the time to say goodbye.

Wishing you a nice (sober?) evening/day.

Ooh, in order to not Netflix I did a single player board game which I had laying about for ages. I was surprised to find that I had NO difficulty with it at all till I game to level 25. I can remember that 5 years back I found every single game a challenge! NEW!!! I had not realised that drinking had such an impact on my cognitive skills. (Yeah, denial, denial…)

xx, Feeling

Progress, not perfection explained by Castle Craig

This is a copy of a post by Castle Craig – the organisation I would go into detox process if I had not at the last moment done an extreme addicty thing and decide to do things on my own. 😦

Well, I copied and pasted because their site is one of those who connect my real name to the comment section. Do not know how that works so I think/assume I can not share without my real name showing up some where. Hence the copy-paste. The original can be found here.

The Emphasis of Progress, Not Perfection in Recovery

“No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles,” the authors of Alcoholics Anonymous explain after listing the 12 steps. “We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”

“Progress not perfection” is a popular term in the world of recovery where people are striving every day to better themselves from a problem which has created complications in their life. For those in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, progress not perfection is an elaboration of another familiar sentiment: one day at a time. Humans cannot be expected to be perfect. Those in recovery who are working the twelve step program are developing awareness regarding their character defects and personal flaws- that is, the parts of their humanity which make them less than perfect. Often, addicts and alcoholics in recovery will fall under the belief that confronting these character “defects” and working to overcome them necessitates perfection. In order to avoid being controlled by the subconscious elements of their character, which could contribute to relapse, they feel they have to be perfect. It’s an unrealistic and damaging belief, which is why the authors, immediately after listing the expectations of the steps, assert that the process isn’t about perfection. The process is about progress.

Mistakes are necessary. Without mistakes, there is no gaining wisdom. It is the mistakes we make and the lessons we learn from them which make us smarter, wiser, and more resilient beings. If we “skip the struggle” as it is sometimes said in recovery, we skip the valuable lessons which were waiting for us in that struggle. Progress not perfection takes a burden off of our backs in recovery and frees us to move at a pace that is comfortable. High expectations can create devastating disappointments, which, for an addict or alcoholic whose brain has been rewired for pleasure, could be triggering.

There is no doing recovery “perfectly” or doing recovery all at once. Like all things in life, recovery is a journey, not a destination. Sobriety, the abstinence from all mind altering substances, is a daily destination and the only thing that has to be done “perfectly”. To not pick up and use a drink every day is perfection. Everything else is progress.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that I now understand the ‘progress not perfection’ too. I did get that I need to learn that perfection is unobtainable but I did not realise what it does for me. I took it as something to hammer into my system because people who know say it too. AND, I did realise that if I look at the progress I am happy, when I look at perfection I am unhappy. So that part I understood. What I did not understand is that wishing perfection is like emotionally and expectation wise reaching into the future towards the longed for perfection. And it makes me stretch myself thin and lose my centre (or losoe, you know the one). With losing my center I disconnect from the place where I am aware. When I disconnect it is easier to think that drinking is a good solution to anything. While it is not.

Perfection is emotionally living in the future. Pretty useless. The future does not really exist. I have been using it as a place to run away to. I have used my dream of perfection as an ideal to not have to deal with what is.

There is an aspect of wanting to be perfect so they will love me – an approach I upheld (t?) towards my parents. But actually my boss is teaching me that I do not have to be perfect. Funny. Then again, he seems to only accept me when I am honest about what I can and can not do. Where I would prefer…. to not be so honest sometimes. But then again, I’m a bad lier and he sees right through that anyhow.

Tomorrow is the last working day before my holidays. Need to carry over my work to my boss. Wish me luck. There are quite a lot of holes in what I do and he is most likely not pleased. I really need to leave with a good feeling otherwise there is very little use in having a holiday. I would be stressing out the whole 2 weeks. :-(. I am not sure I can learn to let that stress go. Or I need to do the total addict black or white thing where I go like “Ooh, don’t matter, I have another job in no time anyway!” I promised my higher self that I would make myself learn how to stay somewhere for a longer time. That is a difficult thing currently because I want to run! “Run, run, run, run, run, run, run awaaaaay, Oh oooh, oooooh oooooooooh! Ay ay ay ay ay ay aaaa!”

Breathe, Feeling. Breathe. And go to bed. Should have been in bed for 2 hours already but scared for tomorrow. 🙂 Ghegheghe…. sigh. How do other people do this? This work and living thing? Am I the only one who finds it so tricky? Am I complicated? Hmmm, not sure I would like an answer to that, ghegheghe.

I am happy that I quit. I know for sure that if I had not I would have already drunk to the holiday today and well, no,  I would not even have a job to screw up. 🙂 So, I am happy that I quit.

A woman who loves herself, would love herself. Calm down Feeling, have faith. “You worry too much. It’s gonna be alright….”

Wishing you a nice evening/day!

xx, Feeling

How we fall in love

Or how to choose a partner wisely. Food for thought.

I am happy that I quit.  Still feeling a bit under the weather, went home from work yesterday because still not ‘there’. My throat does not heal. not sure why. Think the argument I had with my boss is still there. Need to work it out.

Wishing you a nice day/evening.

xx, Feeling

Assumptions

Watching a kids TV show and it warns witches for keeping control of themselves otherwise they can not control their magic. Which (witch?) set me off to wonder about my own assumptions.

I assume that I will never fit in, will always be the odd one out.
I assume that nobody will ever really like me.
I assume that I will always have to fight for a job.
I assume that I will die of a horrible disease at young age.
I assume that I will never have a partner who really cares about me.
I assume that I am batshit crazy but have learned to act ‘reasonably’ normal.
I assume that I will never find my true calling.
I assume that somebody finds this blogs and outs me in my professional life.
I assume that friends are only friends untill they really get to know me.

Of the above never finding my true calling is the worst by the way. I have built pretty steep fences around my heart against the rest.

Due to all this assumptions I think I never really try. I don’t try to be nice, be careful, I don’t lose weight because, well, because.

I am happy that I quit but in real life it often doesn’t matter to me and I would prefer to not have to live the life I have. Not to be who I am.

The other day a person I hold dear told me he did not really need to be alive. That really hit my heart because of the casual way he said it in combination with the quick check back to me to see how I would react. Somehow it suddenly really gets to me. Not sure what happened between this afternoon and now. I suddenly just have the feeling that it doesn’t matter and I am not going to go places anyway.

I have posted this before, but I guess it is time again:

 

Maybe the upcoming 3 years of not drinking bugs me. I though, hoped I would have been ‘further’ ahead. Like ‘have lost weight’, ‘be more sensible’, have my finances in order (which by the way, I almost have), be more compassionate, carry (and transfer) less shame, have read more books. Well, have worked it out all. But I notice that in between writing posts, working and 1 or 2 social things a week I do not ‘improve’ a lot if you will.

Guess I need to really start doing stuff, make it happen. Netflixing is taking its toll. I have learned from sobriety (just to get it be quoted back to me today here online 😉 ):

If you do what you did, you get what you got.

I guess I myself need to change things if I want things differently. I do not want to hold on to this old believes of being unloveable and weird. I do not want to make those into my trademark even.

I am happy that I quit, again is a sort of obliged way but I am happy that I quit because I would not have been able to see that these believes, these assumptions limit me. Well, maybe I am really unloveable, I do not believe in unconditional love anyhow (unless we all suddenly got enlightened…) but I don’t really really think so. BS. I do, but I calculate that this is not true.

Took some Schuessler salts, gheghe, most of them actually. 😉 I can breathe again! Throat infection gone-ish, sinuses back to unswollen position. Face looks funny though because I decided to

The other day I dreamed that I had signed up to do a personal transformation course and we had to walk up a really steep mountain of which all the steps looked totally different. I thought: “It is really, really important to take the time to do this. The goal is not to reach the top, the goal is to look at each step, to take it in and transfer the knowledge which is in it.” At the top was Buddha waiting for us disguised as a monk. He was young but way way older than I. He and I had some wordless communication. I woke up wondering  “I know it is true but why are the steps so important?”

Denial is BIG ;-).

It is time to go to bed. If I do what I did, I get what I got; restlessness. I know this can turn around even with a few days of really doing things. Does not have to be big. Cooking, taking care of me, cleaning, being consciousness, reading.

Thank you for reading. I’m fine-ish. Guess I have to learn to take the next step and not wait my life out.  I am happy that I quit. Every day of not drinking takes me one step further away from the abyss – and no matter, even if I do not ‘improve’ like crazy, I still practise sober time. And well, time will bring the answers. Either I get bored with me or the world does and in both cases I have to change my tune. 🙂

I am happy that I go to bed now. Bed = good.

xx, Feeling

Earning the money

Work has been tough lately. I’m in this position where I need to check other people’s work and set guidelines for them to work by. But the overseer left and now my boss wants me to sort of ‘fill in parts of the gap’. That is tough, because I do know my part of the job, but not know enough of the work and the processes of the shifts to really oversee it all. However, with all my limitations and lack of knowledge, I am the best choice for the job. So I am/was dangling between being hesitant to step up to the job, being excited with the trust, and a little wary for the trap that lies within it. Doing stuff without really knowing the job = big risk to everybody.

All this dangling and not getting to the point irritated my boss to the point where it stressed him out. Which stresses me out, which stresses out my boss and down the spiral we went, quickly. So we spoke. And he asked me to not worry and just be truthful. However nice that may sound I am paranoid enough to think that it is hardly ever a good sign….. :-/ – or at least an indication that he thinks I was/am hiding stuff. Whatever.

If I have learned something in the last 35 months it is that not speaking what is really going on is not good. I have NOT yet learned to shut-up when there is no need to speak unfortunately 😦 but I did learn to say what is on my mind. So I spoke, and I told him that I was having difficulty, that I felt he expects more of me and I do to but that I could not find the ‘entry’ or the ‘right button’ to actually stand up and set things straight within me, and within production. He listened and backed me up totally. That was a surprise.

At some point I found the place within myself from which I could speak with all the people and that was good. Yesterday I parts of the team and I had a meeting. I think the message of ‘do you job safe and correct’ came across.

Afterwards I spoke with one of my favorite colleagues about the meeting. He said “people have been asking me how much power you have”. That was an eye-opener to me. I dropped that line in the recap with my boss and without a moments pause he said; “They need to realise by now that if YOU don’t like them, it will cost them their jobs.” At which I practiced my blank face. DaF! Guess I got promoted?!

Ok, so much for communication. I did realise that my opinion of people’s attitude, work and personality did matter to him but I had not realised I had so much influence. Secondly: I realised that my heart sang with this possibility. To actually be able to execute the HR decisions means I that I can actually execute improvements. And shit, in walk the traps: I have been in an unhealthy cloud of pride for a full evening, only to wake up and realise that karma is a bitch and that I had EXACTLY forgotten to do something tiny but important. EXACTLY something I had flogged the team about. 😦 and since they start early in the morning I was too late to catch it on my day off.

You know where they say that ‘humming or beeping in the ear means that somebody is talking about you’. Well, by now I feel almost deaf in one ear. So I called the office and with somebody else fixed it for me. Thank you colleague. 🙂

The trap, pride, vanity, this local megalomania which rose in me. Very attractive to get lost in but very dark, destructive and dangerous to others and myself if I do. The grabbing, the holding on, the fear of losing.

nearlyallmencanstandadveristy

I am 47, turning 48 this year. I need to settle in a job, in a profession before I am 50 because chances are the work world does not look kindly on ‘older’ people. I feel a lot of stress there. Also, this stress relates back to my addictive tendencies: wanting to fit in, wanting to be seen, wanting to be secure, wanting to control my environment…. All very basic needs but combined with what I call this raw power within that I have I am not sure how to deal. I’m guessing where things go wrong is where I want to control things. Never a nice trait. Stemming from insecurity but mostly from being overwhelmed easily and at the mercy of others in a negative, unhealthy way.

I need to realise this is NOT the case anymore in my life. I am 47, not 3, not 8, not 18 years old or any year in between and not in the hands of a physically abusive man. I have sort of learned to hold my own and I have learned to read the signs and flee on time. In theory I could start to relax at some time now in my life. Not? I think I need to but I also think/feel that I do not want to take the effort to change this, to do the things needed to make that paradigm shift. To look my fears in the eyes. A thought pops up. It says: “All what has happened, has happened. It was not about you, it was done to you. You do not need to change because of it.” Which I understand as a version of: “They can not take what you do not give.” I do not need to feel less, damaged goods, stupid, ugly, unloveable, less because other people tried to devalue me with their dirty hands, body, words and energy. It happened to me. It is not me.

That last bit is true as a theory but not as a practise since I have taken the abuse as something that I am. I believed them time and time again and have taken their despise and made it mine. Trying to energetically work the despise out of my ‘body’ currently. Difficulty to let go. Who am I if I do not carry that? It is such a big part. And it has blocked the front of my body totally. Rigidity. Impaired communications skills. My mind’s eye sees a big block of transparent ochre in front of my chest and down, blocking all the ‘chakras’ or energy if you want. Rigidity. Totally interwoven with my system. Visualising getting rid of it. I am so used to it that I overlook it. Guessing I have only a tiny window in time and space now to have a look at this and try to work on this.

And gone it is. Did get some insights in the last 15 minutes. Due to bad experiences of being controlled I tend to want to control my emotions and other people’s behaviour. Not good. I need to step back in order not to become EXACTLY what I do not want to be.

Also: I am not what happened to me. It IS not me. My body is not me either. My body is part of me.

Ok, enough to ponder on. Hope to find you well.

I am happy that I quit. Not so much in a grateful way. Did I tell you that as a present for my 35 month I ordered a compost set for on the balcony? Non smelly. The internal addict laughing his head off; it is a system which uses non-aerobic thingies to ferment = it’s sort of making alcohol from what I put in there. Signs. To me it says that I need to pay more attention to being sober. Not only not drinking but not addicting out in other ways. I still feel I am not living in awareness, letting things happen to me, not ‘in control’, often being reactive instead of pro-active. Most of the time this is ok, sometimes not.

Well, happy that I quit. No matter what let my story of being financially broke (not bankrupt but broke) and without a job to this situation in 1,5 year be an example of what can happen in sobriety. I did baby steps. I think. Not sure.

A woman who loves herself would take better care of herself than I do momentarily. I think I found out why self-care is so difficult: self-care stems from a place where I love and appreciate who I am. I’m thinking that for people with an addictive personality / using the spiritual mistake to quick fix everything in my life, this place from where one takes care is damaged by shame. Shame says: I do not deserve it, I am not good enough. And in order to remove shame I need to feel I deserve it. Which I don’t because I … don’t.

Not sure how to get out of that trap. I did find that if I try to take care of me, I start to feel that I deserve it. I am going to cook, eat and go to bed.

Wishing you a nice (sober) day/evening/week. Take care.

xx, FeelingBewaren

Bewaren

Good advertising

I don’t want to write about what troubles me but I did find another good subject which I hope will interest you. Addiction is not a sexy topic, it is surrounded by shame and this shame is carried by society. Yeah, I guess that is called a taboo. Well, the Dutch government just found a BEAUTIFUL way of getting messages across about smoking while being pregnant. I heard it a few days ago and thought it was brilliant! This is not an exact translation but the radio ad was something like:

Woman: “I am pregnant, so I quit smoking.”
Voice over: “Smoking while pregnant will damage the health of the baby.”
Boy: “My sister is pregnant and she does not smoke.”
Voice becomes part of the conversation: “You can help her by not seducing her.”
Boy: “DUUUDE???!!??!!!! She IS MY SISTER!?!!!”
Voice over: “Do not smoke when she is around so you do not seduce her into smoking.”

I found this funny obviously but also particularly good because the government really made an effort to get the message across in a way which can be heard because it is funny. That takes the taboo away. That makes me hopeful. 🙂

More information in Dutch, on this website of the Dutch government. And more on the do-not-smoke-while-pregnant campagne.

TIPS

1 Quit smoking together; if your partner is pregnant and quit smoking, you quit smoking too. That is easier for her.

2 Postpone smoking / do not smoke around pregnant women so you do not seduce them.

3 Smoke out of sight: seeing somebody smoke, makes people smoke, do not seduce a pregnant woman who quit smoking.

4 Do not ask pregnant women who quit smoking to shop for cigarets.

5 Set boundaries: tell others that you will not smoke around pregnant women (so to stimulate them to do the same)

Maybe I should try to pursue a job in a project like this. I am all not for 😉 setting up my own ‘I help you quit service’ because I am not the person for that. I am pretty sure I get irritated with people who do not do as I say. 😀 Which is a simple: just don’t drink. That is all there is to quitting. Ha! And then…… ghegheghe… arrrrrrr, life happens. That is where the swearing starts. 🙂 But a non-personal, more businessy approach would suit me well I think.

Oh, yeah, why am I thinking of this? Because I am so tired of my current job. I feel the heat of the audit which is coming up and ooh my, I am not ready, the company is not ready, the shit is hitting the fan and it, well, just hurts. On top of that a tire from my bike exploded; I had filled it up with cold air, pretty hard, in the morning and then put it out in the sun so it burst. All of my life there has been a comparison between the state of my bike and my personal life so, gheghe, I was not amused. I did something good though: I accepted help when my boss asked me to drop me off somewhere. Secondly I asked my neighbour to change the inner tire, which he did happily. He is sweet. 🙂 But just to illustrate how my life is running currently: my boss drove me back into town, I mentioned a crossing which he knew too. At some point he decided to take the highway, I tried to protest but did not get my arguments right, had forgotten why I never take that road. I remembered when we drove into this traffic jam. So I offered to get out at an earlier point and walked home. The next day I would take the bus but it was a national holiday so the normal busses were not running. At the last moment I realised that I did not have enough credit on my travel chipcard to return after work so I had to get that and missed the first connection. Just in case I had to walk on my heels I had taken some light weight sandals with me only to find out that it was way too cold to walk. I took off my boots and noticed I was wearing a grey and a dark blue sock as a result from putting them on in a dark room. So much for keeping my feet warm in the middle of nowhere. Socks in sandals are (very much not) ok when nobody sees it (but I could not care less that day). Different coloured socks in sandals are 1 big step too far. 😀

I went to buy a new tire. Walked to the closest shop, it was closed. The second closest to me would not open till 2 hours later. The third closest to me sold me a tire of low quality but since I had not bought one for years myself, I did not realise until I felt the quality of the tube when it was on the bike. This is how my life is currently; wading against the stream, continuously, with everything. I spoke with my boss about it. Should not have.

I had help at work, asks a person to make a stock list of certain items. She did, checked and double checked. I check the list a month later and there are items on it which do not even exist, never have existed and permanent items which well, go with the building, which are not on it. 30 Mistakes on a 6 page list. I know I have the assumption that everything is difficult but F! everything IS difficult and setting me back. Every two steps forward is one step back, if not two. I NEED to change this attitude because it is influencing me and my colleagues. My boss is getting tired of me because, gheghe, he is used to me being the one who cheers him up and now he has to cheer me up. Not good. He does not like that. He feels entitled to me cheering him up.

I guess that is something I have been doing all my life. When I had the vision of my twin brother dying I realised that all of my life I have been checking for disease in people and cheering people up when they are down. Both are must-do’s for me. I put my life’s energy in people in order to revive them. I assume that is how people like me. And when I don’t, boyfriends got angry. Always. I am tired. I hardly restore in the weekends. Eat bad convenience foods in order to try to revive me but well, we all know that does not work. I fear to feel. I fear to not be connected to a computer, I fear to realise that I am alive. I keep on thinking that ‘all will change after the audit’. I think I need to change before otherwise I will not survive. Aaah, the forces within.

New day: the production team of 8 has now 2 people less. 1 Head person and 1 good employee both left for reasons to do with their private life. The packing department was upset over everything and called a meeting with the boss. All kinds of things go haywire at work. Difficult to keep my centre. Worked hard today but went home ‘early’ as in after only 9 hours of work. Off to bed now, no use in hanging around Netflixing. 🙂 The need to take care of me is big. The powers within are big and unstable.

I am happy that I quit though. I can well remember the nausea I would feel by now over drinking too much. The actions I would have to take to wake up ‘fresh’ tomorrow. Aaahrg, gross. I am happy that I quit and I will go do what a woman who loves herself does: take care of me.

I am grateful for the new tire in my bike. Grateful for the beautiful weather and the tiny ducklings in the pond on the way to work. So sweet. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day / evening.

xx, Feeling

Went to an AA meeting

What?! Yes! I went to an AA meeting today. Not sure why. Possibly because I feel another rock-bottom coming up and I don’t want to do stuff alone anymore. Meeting people who have travelled the same road was good. 🙂 I got to introduce myself and say (quite) some words. I was surprised at how normal most of the people looked. Ghegheghe..

I am happy that I but I realise that I am not doing ‘the work’ now since I Netflix and chocolate the day away. I find ‘things’ too difficult to deal but I can’t really not deal because my income is on the line. I still have something between 0 and 16 working days in this month I need to be at work. Talks with HR and my boss have been really heavy. I do however ‘recover’ quicker than I would do if I drank. That is very obvious now. Maybe also because I have found personal closure in this where I realised the other day that the whole issue with my boss is a bitch fight over the guys. Not proud of it, but well, yeah, her getting paid at least 3 times my salary should have kept her from behaving the way she does. It did not. I can not cope. I need to get out. I could have filed a complaint. I do not want to do that (right now) even though she has cost me enough in therapy costs. Filing a complaint would also drag others into this and I just want to get out and focus on the future.

I had a ‘job’ application on Thursday, it went well and since I was the only candidate she informed me that I was ‘most likely in’. And…. the next day she changed her mind. It is not a job but an assignment which I would fulfill from my business side. And the school is looking for people to stay there and actually take up a job. I would appreciate that but also informed her that I cannot live from the currently offered 4 hours divided over 2 days. Which means I HAVE to look for another job. Not sure if it were my surprise at her not understanding this point or something else which threw here off but she now has doubts if I am the one. Food for thought. Well, I am invited for a 2nd interview but the date has not been set.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I went to a meeting today. Not sure what to do with my face though because I’m so caught up in the sharings that I do not mind my face and that goes from ‘Holy shit’ to ‘Ooh my gosh’ to crying over pain I am reminded of. Can you please tell me how you deal with that? I need to learn to regulate, not? Lifting my eyebrows when people speak of repeated DUI’s might be ‘politically correct’ in ‘normal life’ but not in an AA meeting. :-/

A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. And she would have cleaned the house, not sit around feeling she should have cleaned the house for the whole effing weekend. Sliding, sliding. I don’t want to be aware. I am already overtaxed as it is. Don’t want to feel. Don’t want to realise stuff. Not good. The other day I had a drinking dream. Not sure what it was about. I believe I had forgotten that I do not drink. I have that a lot since is it such a non issue. I believe I even forgot my 2 year 1 month soberversary. Not sure if that is good. I think I must watch myself. The amount of chocolate, still under 1 bar, that I eat makes me cry like a crybaby and depressed. Suicide thoughts popping up like mushrooms in autumn after the eating of chocolate and still I do not stop. Aah ja, because exactly due to the chocolate I feel not worth stopping for. It is SO much like alcohol for my body and mind. I am tired of walking in circles with this but I feel like I have no way out. Oh yeah, that is why I went to the AA meeting; see if that could inspire me.

I am so tired of the difficulties in my life. I feel so lonely going through this on my own. The normy friends I have do not understand having an addictive personality. I am back to not appreciating myself for who and what I am. I feel like again I am leaving a family behind. Well, obviously a family with a ‘mother’ who exactly does not appreciate me for who I am and I take over this projected feeling. Or possibly I project it onto her and she back. Or, well, whatever. I dislike this path in life where again and again I have to leave. It is like being born all over again and again and again and it is not the nice independent, freeing side of getting born I meet currently. I want to get away I want to fly away.

Mwoah, darkness is taking over -> bedtime! Sleep = good. 🙂

Wishing you a nice, preferably sober day / evening / week!

I am happy that I quit. Not liking my life currently and my lack of dealing but sober = better. 🙂

xx, Feeling