Went to an AA meeting

What?! Yes! I went to an AA meeting today. Not sure why. Possibly because I feel another rock-bottom coming up and I don’t want to do stuff alone anymore. Meeting people who have travelled the same road was good. πŸ™‚ I got to introduce myself and say (quite) some words. I was surprised at how normal most of the people looked. Ghegheghe..

I am happy that I but I realise that I am not doing ‘the work’ now since I Netflix and chocolate the day away. I find ‘things’ too difficult to deal but I can’t really not deal because my income is on the line. I still have something between 0 and 16 working days in this month I need to be at work. Talks with HR and my boss have been really heavy. I do however ‘recover’ quicker than I would do if I drank. That is very obvious now. Maybe also because I have found personal closure in this where I realised the other day that the whole issue with my boss is a bitch fight over the guys. Not proud of it, but well, yeah, her getting paid at least 3 times my salary should have kept her from behaving the way she does. It did not. I can not cope. I need to get out. I could have filed a complaint. I do not want to do that (right now) even though she has cost me enough in therapy costs. Filing a complaint would also drag others into this and I just want to get out and focus on the future.

I had a ‘job’ application on Thursday, it went well and since I was the only candidate she informed me that I was ‘most likely in’. And…. the next day she changed her mind. It is not a job but an assignment which I would fulfill from my business side. And the school is looking for people to stay there and actually take up a job. I would appreciate that but also informed her that I cannot live from the currently offered 4 hours divided over 2 days. Which means I HAVE to look for another job. Not sure if it were my surprise at her not understanding this point or something else which threw here off but she now has doubts if I am the one. Food for thought. Well, I am invited for a 2nd interview but the date has not been set.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I went to a meeting today. Not sure what to do with my face though because I’m so caught up in the sharings that I do not mind my face and that goes from ‘Holy shit’ to ‘Ooh my gosh’ to crying over pain I am reminded of. Can you please tell me how you deal with that? I need to learn to regulate, not? Lifting my eyebrows when people speak of repeated DUI’s might be ‘politically correct’ in ‘normal life’ but not in an AA meeting. :-/

A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. And she would have cleaned the house, not sit around feeling she should have cleaned the house for the whole effing weekend. Sliding, sliding. I don’t want to be aware. I am already overtaxed as it is. Don’t want to feel. Don’t want to realise stuff. Not good. The other day I had a drinking dream. Not sure what it was about. I believe I had forgotten that I do not drink. I have that a lot since is it such a non issue. I believe I even forgot my 2 year 1 month soberversary. Not sure if that is good. I think I must watch myself. The amount of chocolate, still under 1 bar, that I eat makes me cry like a crybaby and depressed. Suicide thoughts popping up like mushrooms in autumn after the eating of chocolate and still I do not stop. Aah ja, because exactly due to the chocolate I feel not worth stopping for. It is SO much like alcohol for my body and mind. I am tired of walking in circles with this but I feel like I have no way out. Oh yeah, that is why I went to the AA meeting; see if that could inspire me.

I am so tired of the difficulties in my life. I feel so lonely going through this on my own. The normy friends I have do not understand having an addictive personality. I am back to not appreciating myself for who and what I am. I feel like again I am leaving a family behind. Well, obviously a family with a ‘mother’ who exactly does not appreciate me for who I am and I take over this projected feeling. Or possibly I project it onto her and she back. Or, well, whatever. I dislike this path in life where again and again I have to leave. It is like being born all over again and again and again and it is not the nice independent, freeing side of getting born I meet currently. I want to get away I want to fly away.

Mwoah, darkness is taking over -> bedtime! Sleep = good. πŸ™‚

Wishing you a nice, preferably sober day / evening / week!

I am happy that I quit. Not liking my life currently and my lack of dealing but sober = better. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Rehab

So, singing lessons…. Guess what we got the first lesson? Ghegheghe…. Yes; Rehab… This is so, so, so dunno, strange? Of all the songes in the world. πŸ™‚ Obviously the frequency of addiction is still strong in my life.

Further: I decided to quit over the work issue of last Friday where my boss treated me like shit again, made fun of the arrangement we had in which she promised not to be demeaning. Obviously, being her she made fun in a demeaning way. I’m out. Can’t deal anymore. And I do not want to deal with it anymore. I could not stand the idea that I would possibly be there another 2 months. However, she’s on holiday again so I will be quitting by e-mail this Friday the 30th. My letter will include that I do not want to leave but have to because her treatment of me is bad for me. I am as for now, planning to send out the documented story to HR after I leave.

Nice guy asked how I was doing. I said I was going to quit. He changed colour and then spoke with his colleagues immediately. Not sure this is what I would have wanted but it was out in seconds. He seemed very upset, could not stabilize his emotions. The not nice guy then replied; “Well, there’s 10 others who can replace you.” Which was countered by the nice guy as: “Yes, that is the problem, that means 9 extra salaries.” Others agreed. So I guess, if I want a certificate I can get it from them. πŸ™‚

So, not sure what the future will bring. And notwithstanding all the nice sentiments from my colleagues, I feel very lonely. Again I am leaving. I always seem to be leaving, never arriving. It is like in my dreams where everybody has somebody but I always walk alone. Disconnected. Typical addict trait. :-/

I am however… very happy that I quit. I would be in shambles if I had not.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Aah, she would clean the mess in the house because hiding in the mess is keeping my thinking from clearing up.

On chocolate: I did not manage to stay chocolate free. Then I thought; I can have half a bar (50 grams) each weekend day. Then Monday happened and I did not manage to stay away from another half and now it is Tuesday and I am trying to forget this whole quitting thing ever happened but still quite content with ‘only’ half a bar. I notice that half a bar does not throw me off my game as much as a full bar. It is nice to actually immediately notice the difference. Which makes me happy that I quit otherwise I would not have noticed this. That is the only progress. Otherwise it is just a repetition of quitting drinking. Trying to moderate, moderation not working, feeling bad, using more because of feeling bad etcetera etcetera. We have all been there. Or are still. Damn that was nasty. Yuck. Not good for the soul. Or the body.

I am sooo happy that I quit. πŸ™‚ My life is not well, manageable? Would that be the word? Not sure. Not sure if I just had bad luck with the boss or that I am accountable for the mess. I have no clue. I still tend to think: if she is nasty towards me, I must be somehow wrong. Have been all my life so why not now? But no matter if it is me or the boss, our relation is destructive and like booze, I need to quit otherwise my blood pressure will sear to heights which make my blood vessels pop. Don’t want that. A friend asked me what kept me in that place. I commented that I think there is a learning experience in standing up against the bullying. She asked: can you change your need for a learning experience from ‘need to deal with negativity’ to ‘I would like to be able to look for positivity’? Woah! That would be a NEW concept. It is so new that I can not comprehend it yet. A place where I would be accepted and appreciated. That would be nice. I guess that whole concept can only exist when it is starting to exist within me. πŸ™‚ Happy that I quit. Hope I can work this issue out. I want to belong somewhere in they way that I am. Not be cast out or hurt when I am me. Patterns and repeating karma patterns. Not sure how to deal. Well, time will tell.

Wishing you a nice day/evening!

xx, Feeling

Boss, tax, chocolate

Things are difficult. Sad. Boss bitch is on war path again: “Ooh, I can not say that when Feeling is present (referring to the sex question about ‘how often do you do it?’ she half-finished when I walked in), but no worries guys, we can go back to normal when she’s not here.” She did another 3 of those today so with the large tax refund I got this week (3-4 monthly salaries) I (assume) I will be resigning next week. I will also be speaking with HR when I’m gone. Not totally sure yet. See how it feels later. There is something funny going on here too, which runs alongside; I have this intense feeling that all of my life I ‘had to go’, I should ‘rather not be there/present/alive because ‘too much’. That ‘nobody really likes me anyhow’. That I should ‘take myself out of the equation’ because I am not worth living anyhow. And she presses all these buttons. Stay and learn with the chance that I go under quickly en seriously or not take any chances with my mental health and energy and go? Repeating my leaving as I did in a lot of situations in my life. I keep on meeting these awful strange people of which everybody says ‘THEY. ARE. CRAZY – it is NOT you!’ But I keep on having to deal with them. I don’t know yet. Time will tell. And bwaahaha, maybe I should start taking life into my hands again. But that is the stupidity of situations like these: they take my life’s energy and I need to swim against the stream to keep alive. Anybody any advice?

I had no chocolate during this whole week except 1/4 bar this afternoon which makes a huge difference in how I am aware of my surroundings. That is great. Or not.:-)Β  I ‘knew’ sugar has a big impact on me, specifically the way I use it. It has become a so manniest addiction and I really need to look at it but I find it too difficult because of ‘poor me’. This week off works sort of like a 30 day challenge for alcohol. (No it doesn’t because it is not 30 days! Oooh, the lying….): it gives the effects on the body of sober living while the mind and the addict within can be at ease thinking ‘oooh, it is only 30 days… should be able to do that, let’s do this because otherwise I prove that I AM an addict….’. Well, it was a nice week and my awareness and sensitivity to energy and what is going on inside is back. I, again, learn why I have an addictive personality because the awareness of all which is going on inside and outside me is pretty overwhelming if I do not keep centered, aware and at ease all day. Breathing helps :-).

Last Monday I opened a letter from the tax office which send me reeling because it said that I had (missed) an appointment with them the week before. As you might know I never open my post immediately and this is one of the consequences. I was very disappointed at myself and very stressed out. Did not sleep that night and my blood pressure rose to a height I have never sensed before. Next day I mailed my admin person, 2 days later we spoke: he will contact the tax office and have the meeting with them since he can solve it in 10 minutes and no stress while I will be stressing out over this for days to come. Do I feel childish? Yes I do. Do I feel I have the right to move this ‘burden’ to somebody who gets paid for it. Yes I do. Sort of. And I realise now that I do not want to think about it because the only thing I say to me is ‘you are stupid’. But a woman who loves herself, she would have….? She actually feels she should have dealt with it. Hmmm…. :-/ I feel I should apologise personally to the person who came here while I was at work. Ok, I will call him.

Can’t wait for my new course in singing to start this Wednesday. I also like the video’s on Medical Intuition from Carolyn Myss very mych. There are 3 now:

1 What is medical intuition?
2 Why people don’t heal
3 The 5 keys to learning medical intuition

The content of the first is an answer to the question What is medical intuition. The second video is on what I call ‘ziektewinst’ – a Dutch word for ‘what we gain when we are ill’. She is pretty much into that and seeing it as a reason why people don’t heal. I think for me it can be true / is often true. I would not go about putting that out there to anybody else. (Rephrase: I did, and I regretted it). Not sure if I like the stern way she speaks about it but she does not get unkind, she is compassionate but strict. I like the way she deals with boundaries and speaks about power – although I would use the word strength more than power but that might be a language thing. The 3rd vid is a (bit messy) listing of 5 important points to learning medical intuition. I do not so much want to learn medical intuition as that IΒ  want to get it clear. I have big medical intuition but I get it mixed up with fear which is not a good thing. I think she can learn me to get my intuition clear, be it medical or otherwise. That is the only thing I know for sure about my life: that I need to get clear, to undo the hold that addiction has on me, to undo the hold that past events, memories, bad memories have on me. That’s ‘all’. πŸ˜‰

Not much more to say here. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed already. I am happy that I quit and actually I am happy that I am working on quitting chocolate too. And I would be really grateful if I could put a stop to the moaning about it that I do. I guess you too :-).

Wishing you all a good weekend. Hoping you are happy that you quit too. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Lesigh, karma overrunning darma

A few days ago I commented on a (wonderful post) of Abbie in, what now, when looking back, looks like a mood of sheer frustration from my side; running up the walls. I am sorry Abbie. 😦 I should not have poured my desperation onto your blog. 😦

Also: is there anybody who can, from the outside, give me their view of what is going on in this reply? What do you think where I go off track because, frankly, when reading this back to me it seems like I am desperate and drunk. Obviously I am desperate, obviously I am not drunk. I did have a whole lot of sugar that day. Lately I feel I do not make any progress, actually, I feel like I have been stuck in resentment (YES! THAT is the word/emotion) against my boss (is that how to use the word in a sentence?). It is frustrating. I thought I was doing well, and then suddenly I find myself at a place where I have derailed and (again 😦 ) spilled my negative energy into a comment.

Now I come back to the ‘suddenly’ because I think I am lying to myself there. I think my use of sugar has replaced the use of alcohol. I come home and I binge on chocolate. 1 Bar of 100 grams, 72% dark eco chocolate and maximum 20 dates. For my system that is way too much. It numbs me. The way I use it is how I used alcohol. (You can wonder about the words there, I am not sure if I used alcohol or alcohol used me, or possibly both are true.)

My blood pressure is sky high, obviously also due to the tension at work and because I do not react to the signs of my body. Whenever I get home I do not want to ‘be aware’ anymore. I want to numb out. I still think that being aware of what is going on is ‘too difficult’. Apart from being happy that I quit, lately I find life very difficult again – not the sober part, that is ok. When I read other peoples posts I think: what is wrong with me? Why are all these people so runny, cake baky, meditationary, yoga-y? Why do I not ‘cope’? Is it because I have to do everything by myself? As in, not being in an intimate relation and not having parents? Is it because I don’t do AA and therefore miss out on development? (I still think I need to settle down in my aversion against religious approaches, even in texts. I have been religiously pounded on the head with not being good enough to live, anger flares up whenever I have to ‘as we understood Him’. To me it feels like an exact repetition of my teenage life where my autistic and fanatically religious father tried to scare, shame and bully me into submission. I think to know it is different, it is ‘just’ that any reference pushes my buttons. It is getting less so I’ll get there one day. πŸ™‚ The ‘we accept that we are powerless’ does not really go down well. 😦 Ooh, for those who wonder: I think to know I am powerless over alcohol when it gets into my body. Which is why I use the power that I have to choose not to drink it and I am very happy I quit.)

This is my comment to Abbie’s post. Please let me have your thoughts.

It is not without frustration that I write this and I hope you can read through that and maybe find time to answer the question at the end of this comment.

What I find difficult in this approach to un-addicting or reversing the process of the addictive personality is that nobody is able to tell me HOW to make a change. Changes made β€˜over the rational’ do not last long in my experience/life. β€˜Just do it’ does not cut it for me. I quit drinking, that went down in a sort of β€˜just do it’ way. But all the other stuff? Well, today I posted 3 posts.
1 On how I am doing after clashing with my boss.
2 On how people who are all in control would react to it and
3: The final post of a vid which FINALLY, after 10 months, made me understand the dynamics of the relation with my boss and how it had come about. And with that I understood this aspect from almost all the other relations I had, those with my parents, those with partners or bosses. The aspect of the intermitted reinforcement / codepency became so very clear.

For the post of how to react to bosses when you are in control: I am not there yet. And I actually think when somebody is so much aware of the things going on and so much control of their own reactions, they would probably not even start working for a boss like that.

All the lists of how to on WordPress, by professionals, on Facebook by (non) professionals do not influence me other than making me feel inadequate and, well, actually (yeah yeah, I let them) disable me. Unless I understand, figure out how things work, how I am feeling wise / emotionally attached to the situation with my boss (preferring abusive relations/addicted to intermitted reinforcement/double bind) I seem to have no entry at all. (Can anybody please please please tell me) How (on earth!) other people learn? (In between their running, yoga, high end jobs, family, relations, saving the world, holidays, cake baking, volunteering?)😦 I am at loss.😦 Even though my life is not easy I think I am exactly on the path where I should be, out of the 20 something people I knew I started with blogging at the same time, I and another person are the only ones continuously sober so there is something going well.) It is just that these lists, the how to’s which I can not get/grab/apply, they get to me.😦
xx, Feeling

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you (are trying to?) quit. ❀

A woman who loves herself should, possibly, reread the text and edit it so she will not be embarrassed by it the day after. [Insert foul language] This is how slow my learning goes. It takes me more than to years to come to a point where I find it important for self-protection to reread a post and possibly edit it. Well, I did choose to do it all organically, biologically, see where Life takes me. But by now I feel I want more control. But I do not want to do the work. I feel like I have done enough actually. Ooooh, ouch. I feel like I have become sober and Life punished me with this sadistic dragon of a boss which I have to fight in order to survive. Today I heard that last week she send a VERY PRETTY new girl from HQ through the workspace just in order to get her ogled at, yelled at and whistled at by the guys. This was AFTER I spoke with her on sexual intimidation. WAR IS ON. The guys recognised the game and not one shit was given that day. Ghegheghe. The contract of her main business friend is not being continued. He drinks like a fish. Turns totally purple in every move and fights his way through the company. I just hope this helps her lose ground at HQ. Mean? Yes. Resentment? Yes. Hoping for revenge? Yes. Getting a life? Nope…. 😦 Learning to let go? No. Putting energy in my own life? No. Sigh. It is not easy. Ooh. Watch the vid from Teal from my last post again. πŸ™‚

Please let me have your wisest/most angry/funniest/most informative comments to my state of mind/being in ‘recovery’. :-/ I try to unaddict. I want to become clear. I tend to forget that. I tend to fogg up with BS because I am rather lost than clear. Clear hurts. Feeling things clearly hurts. So much pain I can not handle. This is how I view life now. Guess I have viewed it differently but I can not remember. And then again: is it all mine? Nope, I don’t think so. I think I carry a truckload of pain from my parents, about my parents, about their abusive relationship, about how this made me feel, about how I feel I need(ed) to protect my mother, and my father and my brother from everything going on. The fights, the anger, a house full of hatred, resentment, bitterness and despise. Not a good environment to grow up in. The goooooooood thing about not having parents is that hahaha, I do not have to drag this misery along. I still do. Maybe I should not.

I think I have difficulty differentiation between me and the other. Looking forward to the medical intuition summit (see former post). Hope to find some answers to the funny skills I have there. πŸ™‚ Not looking forward to it in a happy way. I have not felt happy for a long time, just relieved. I guess that is it: I am not happy that I quit, I am relieved that I quit. That is different. I need to get the happy back. πŸ™‚ Shake off the unnecessary stuff. πŸ™‚

Hope you are having a good day/night. Remember that even though life might get tough so here and there, it is infinitely better than self destructing by drinking and drugging.

xx, Feeling

Bewaren

Free online summits

RECOVERY 2.0
The free online summit Recovery 2.0 will start again on Wednesday the 14th! Yay!

For those who are new to online summits:

  • interviews of 30 to 90 minutes with people are knowledgeable in their field
  • every interview is available for 24 hours online
  • mostly all the interviews are available again the last weekend/2 days
  • free of charge (but you will be guided along pricelists for buying the information for keeping)
  • informative, beautiful, experiences
  • keep your notebook (printscreen button?) at hand so you can draw up a To Read booklist.

In the Recovery 2.0 online summit do not miss out on Dr. Gabor MatΓ©, he might give off aΒ  difficult to watch impression of severe depression but please listen him out. He knows his stuff.

MEDICAL INTUITION SUMMIT

Just found this and I am very excited! Caroline Myss speaks with great clarity about vage energetic feeling stuff. YES! She says things like ‘Recognising the signs that your body gives off is a basic survival skill’. Amen to that! I imagine: this is where we got ill from alcohol and did not listen. πŸ™‚ Also she says that feelings are important indicators. YES, my kind of summit. Hope to get some clarity there. I am good at feeling, bad at losing myself in it. πŸ™‚

Wishing you all beautiful learning opportunities.

I am happy that I quit otherwise I would have never gotten to this intuition summit and I think I need to learn stuff there.

A woman who loves herself would listen to her body and go to the toilet instead of typing here. She would also clean the house after that so she can feel good about herself. And she would QUIT eating chocolate because the bloodpressure is sky high with these heat and bad sleep here.

Enjoy!!!!

xx, Feeling

But this is how I understand how it works

The former post ‘This is how I should have done it :-)’ is about the logical approach to the boss/work issue. If I had any control left I might have taken that approach. However, the below vid from Teal Swan on intermittent reinforcement explains to me exactly the DYNAMICS of the relationship with my boss and why I did not leave IMMEDIATELY when she said something like ‘Well, I usually give, well, anybody a chance at this so why not you.’ in the job interview.

This vid explains my relationship with my boss, well, frankly with any man in my life too. 😦 Now I understand how she does it. How I react, how wrong it is. Why it eats at me.

If ever you wonder why you can’t say NO to somebody, or why I did not do so earlier at my work ;-); here is the answer.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Watch Iron Man, get to be early. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Since I quit drinking information like this just pops up to help me along.

Hope you enjoy Teals work. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Dust settling and the function of dust

Came home from work today. Boss is on holiday for a week. This brings rest to the workplace but also a lot of disorganisation which, now I have my head cleared of my fear for her, becomes very obvious. It is irritating. Funny thing is that I immediately assume her role and start to organise the process. Not sure that I like this trait in me.

So, been a busy day, came home and I realised thatΒ  for me the work issue dust had settled. loneliness hit me like a, what, wrecking ball? So, is this what problems do for me?Β  “You take us away from the squalor of the real world”. I have, in my life, wondered about the function that stress has in my life. I really never do without so I wonder if I can. I, well, actually I think I am addicted to stress. Hmmm, that is as far as I would like to go now feeling/thinking wise. Ooh well, there is this: I think there is something in me which drives me to difficult situations where I recreate oppression and fighting. I think my usual recreation was fighting and losing and now I tried fighting and actually keeping my ground. NEW. πŸ™‚ When writing this it feels like it is connected to my birth pattern where I was stuck for a long time in the first clinical stage of delivery. And then actually retracted from this position (medically impossible they say, but it happened) turned from a face-up delivery position to a normal face down position and got propelled out in 3 consecutive contractions. I have not given birth but I would assume this is not a nice way to ‘break in’ a birth canal. 😦 The idea with the being stuck in the phase 1 (BPM 2) that is imprinted in the person is ‘no way out’. I feel I have that. Always. Only an act of extreme power, like threatening death and destruction can get me into motion (BPM 3)Β  So if I get stuck I suddenly do something drastic, a life or death thing, and I ‘walk free’.

This is how I quit drinking. It will sound overly dramatic, I am not in short supply when it comes to drama, but I actually thought there could be a possibility that I die from delirium tremens. Not sure if that is logical at all, somewhere on the net there is this sentence which says ‘DT typically blabablbabla with alcoholics who drink 6 pints or more a day’. So, it was obvious I was going to die. Did not. Or maybe I did and all this is purgatory, heaven or hell. Who knows. Drama. Living on it. Feeding on it.

My nice female colleague is having troubles with the not so nice female collegue. I don’t like the not so nice girl either but boss told us to get along so I do. And otherwise the workfloor gets really yucky. My nice collegue has been screwed over Big Time by the not so nice collegue. If I were not in the situation I am in I would have intervened. Also: the running gag is that the nice guy and I are in love and the not so nice girl is after the nice guy. So whatever I say about the not so nice girl is being picked up as jealousy. Sometimes it is: we work our ass of and she gets away with just showing hers. She is the one who hides in the corner in order to be invisible and therefore ‘make more hours’. 😦

Well, long boring story longer: my nice female colleague is pissed. And walking a very dark path where she is almost continuously angry for weeks now. Everything that happens adds to her being pissed. No matter what I say, not matter how and how long I listen to her and try to help her sort her emotions; she is hell-bent on anger. What an eye opener.

My therapist said that if I thought I should learn to live with the situation at work and be at peace with it I should let go of the feeling of righteousness I have about what the boss does. I get stuck on ‘she is wrong, she is wrong so I am right.’ I see my colleague doing that now and it really is an eye opener. πŸ™‚ I’m going to see if I can find an opening in her drama so she can let some steam off and maybe look at things in such a way that she does not have to go all destructive. Caution thought. Projections ahead. πŸ˜€

Above is what I wrote yesterday. Today, weekend day off I realise that I have been very much caught up in the boss-work-destruction drama for the last, what, 6 months? I noticed the last month that there were very few deep developments and very few NEW! statements in my blogs. Today I feel free again for the first time. OBVIOUSLY I need to put a damper on that freedom again by noticing how stupid I have been behaving ‘that I did not really see this before

Years ago I had a dream where I had born myself, so was pregnant and the baby was me too. πŸ™‚ The dream ended with a vision of me walking about as a toddler where I had little black and white blocks in my body and whenever I stumbled these blocks would unailing immediately and disturb me very much. Today I thought: THAT IS ME! I AM THAT! I lose my balance so easily and while I was thinking that I am a sissy and not worth living in this world I realised that this ‘skill’ actually is a skill. That I, because of the balance thingy I have known VERY WELL what is evil and what not, where my boss goes of track attacking and degrading me and where she is a boss giving what feels good and sustainable and what not; what will make me drink and what not. Again: feeling my way back into life. I still really like that name. Using what I am best and worse at to live. πŸ™‚

I wrote the above 20 minutes ago. Nah, I wish, I wrote it more than half an hour ago. In between I did useless things on Facebook which I can not even remember now. I need to get out of this addictive patterns. I’m going to clean the house. I will turn off the computer.

Add in: I once asked the ayahuasca spirit what I need to do with my life and she said; “The only thing you need to do is to become clear.” I took that as in: quit drinking. Then I quit drinking and I realised that I have an addictive personality so now I am trying to unraffle that. It is not going very quickly, gheghe, but the intent is there and I see light at the end of the tunnel ever so now and then. Which, gheghe, is so scary to me/the addict within (?) that I do step back in the dark quickly.

A woman who loves herself would step it up to really start making some differences in her life. This has been going on long enough. I am now free of worries weighing my down, I should use that freedom.

I am soooo happy that I quit. First: if I had not quit I would not be alive today. Not that I have been enjoying being alive very much lately but I do not think it is/was my goal to dieΒ  in the past years. And really, when all motivation fails me; the thought of having to do any of this over again in another reincarnation, pfff, no no no no no no NOOOOOO! πŸ™‚ Secondly: I feel that with quitting I opened a door which was always closed. Like described in the birth pattern: the ‘thought behind’ my life is a continuous experience of being stuck and oppressed and me having to fight my way out or die. Quitting made it possible for me to experience an opening in that darkness which was mild and caring, not dark and fighting. Even though I do remember quitting as a do or die decision which, by the way, made it almost extraordinary easy for me to quit = nice! How darkness leads to light. Hmmm. Don’t wanna think anymore. Need to do and forget, let go, relax. Not everything is war. I am becoming sick and tired of the darkness that I look for / is engrained / I look for / is engrained / I look for.

Wishing you a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling