Guinea pig day tomorrow

Tomorrow I will meet the nutritionist. I guess she will be the first non professional person (she is in training, I am the guinea pig) in my offline life that I will tell about my drinking history. Or at least, that I quit and would like to repair damage done.

After that a Facebook friend of mine comes over. More than a year ago he went into rehab πŸ™‚ and he is still free. I am happy for him. Today I told him in a message that I did not drink anymore either. He’s coming over to practise his counselling skills for becoming a sobriety counsellor or how would you call that? Again, I am the guinea pig. He posted at Facebook that he was looking for people to practise counselling on, addiction not required :-D. I said I could use some help with life stuff. I am guessing he will be a little surprised that his first attempt includes the real deal. πŸ™‚

And after that, late at night, my brother comes to sleep over because he’s been to a concert in the neighbourhood… I told him it is BYO and carry out what you carry in here now.

I am looking forward to the first 2 appointments, it just combines really strange with my brother coming over and specifically after a death metal concert… I mean, death metal?

We shall see, of to bed early tonight, make sure I am well rested to face real life and be able to feel my way through. πŸ™‚

Happy that I quit. Yesterday I was too tired of all the turmoil to be happy. Now I am happy again that I quit. Sometimes I wonder if people that read my blog actually believe that I can be happy about it. I could imagine that posts like the one from yesterday don’t sound all too happy. I don’t know. For me it is separate, being unhappy about something that happened and happy about quitting. I am happy that I can separate these. If not I guess I would have been in trouble. But maybe I should not worry about it because it is no use to wonder if you think I am happy, no need to go there. I am happy that I quit. That is what I am responsible for. πŸ™‚ And it is going well. And I am happy about that too. πŸ™‚ Ok, ok, I’ll stop the prancing in my Little House of the Prairy frock.

Do you know I am actually still considering buying the full dvd box for from my sobriety savings? YES!! I AM SORRY! 😦 Can’t help it. And yes I do know that it looks strange next to all the seasons of ‘Buffy the Vampire slayer’, Lord of the Rings editors cut part 1, 2 and 3, The X-files, Californication and 6 Feet Under, but still!! Hmmpfffff! Well, no, I would take them out of the box and hide them in a folder, anonymously. Wouldn’t want mister F to think I am a sissy if he would ever think of dropping by. In my lifetime that is.

What did you buy from your sobriety money?

Answering my own blog

Hurt. Damage.

In my earlier post on addiction and blogging I was wondering about my way of writing. How I throw stuff ‘out there’, hardly do/did any censoring and treat people like speaking to a wall. The point is not so much in the throwing, well it is but the point is this sentence:

But that’s what I do, use peoples as a wall to talk to.

What!?!?! It would be sad enough if I said ‘use walls as people to talk to’. But the other way around? That is, rather disconnected. Hmmm. And what’s with the ‘peoples’? And ‘use’? And ‘talk to’ in stead of ‘speak with’?

I guess this is why I can write this blog and leave the crazy shit in it without censoring (too much). In my mind I can retreat in 2 seconds and delete it. Shit, haven’t looked up if I can actually delete the blog. In my mind nobody listens anyway so it does not really matter how crazy and unadjusted I am. That is some fucked up shit. :-(. Sigh. Sad now.

Came to realise this while reading up on trust and how families with addicted parents are crisis-focused. Works out that there are a whole lot of people out there that actually trust people and that people can generally be nice AND continue to be so because they are trustworthy. Didn’t know, thought it was only in LHOP.Β  But ‘Castastrophe muss nicht sein.’ it seems.

‘Do you trust people?’

‘Yes! Well, No. But I pretend I do. That makes it easier.’

Shitload of pretend behaviour around me. Keeping up appearances. I HATED that in my mother. Well, actually glad I did pretend because some of the intentions are destructive enough as they are. Aaah, drink craving. Fuck off!! You’ve done enough damage.

Image flush. Like seeing my life pass in front of me. Not rewinding this time, just circling. Whaaaaaa! Wheeeeheeeee! Damn, who needs shit when you’ve got yourself?

This just feels very appropriate now.

The sounds, the fun, the melody, the name of the original song, the overwhelming beat and most likely the empty hall 😦 and the person coming to set a stop to it all :-(. Not sure how the third person watching fits in. Ha! Should have wiki-ed that before I wrote it :-D. Gheghegheghe. No, not funny.

All in all happy that I quit and proud of it.


Doing stuff

Getting restless with only feeling and thinking and reading and learning and being sensible. So, this morning I thought I was going to do stuff today. Brought back the newly bought expensive juicer, bought a new version of my old one second hand for 6 Euro’s. That’s all, no chance on a roll in LHOP yet. Time for Stephan Covey’s book on ‘Priorities’. Aaaaahrgggg, NOOOOO!!! Not another book!!!!

Ooh, no, I did the online alcohol TOP training. Same as last time. I can actually feel it de-sensitizing me for seeing alcohol. Would like a special version with my favorite brand of beer though. I doubt if I will ever be tempted by the hard liquor bottles that they are showing, they are not in my system.

For those who like to know I have had very little drink think and only 2 short moments of slight cravings up to now. But I am still not doing stuff so avoiding frustration. Let’s see.

I should not be waiting to be clear

This is a follow up on the post of yesterday about karma. I am living the alcohol free life momentarily but not yet living the clean life. Yesterday I had the idea that ‘that is something to come’ when I ‘get through this’ whatever that might mean. But it is not. It is something I should DO. Right now. Clear out all these obstacles that drain energy. Clear out the basement, clean the house, pay the bills, do yoga, meditate, DO those things that keep nagging. And I don’t give a shit if it’s gonna turn me all Little House on the Prairy because I like Little House on the Prairy and I am not ashamed to say that (here, anonymously, well actually I am).

Don’t like the episode 142 where they put a butterfly on a string so it would follows some little fellow. From below the butterfly you can / could / should be able to see a tiny thread running down to say 5 o’clock.