Progress, not perfection explained by Castle Craig

This is a copy of a post by Castle Craig – the organisation I would go into detox process if I had not at the last moment done an extreme addicty thing and decide to do things on my own. 😦

Well, I copied and pasted because their site is one of those who connect my real name to the comment section. Do not know how that works so I think/assume I can not share without my real name showing up some where. Hence the copy-paste. The original can be found here.

The Emphasis of Progress, Not Perfection in Recovery

“No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles,” the authors of Alcoholics Anonymous explain after listing the 12 steps. “We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”

“Progress not perfection” is a popular term in the world of recovery where people are striving every day to better themselves from a problem which has created complications in their life. For those in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, progress not perfection is an elaboration of another familiar sentiment: one day at a time. Humans cannot be expected to be perfect. Those in recovery who are working the twelve step program are developing awareness regarding their character defects and personal flaws- that is, the parts of their humanity which make them less than perfect. Often, addicts and alcoholics in recovery will fall under the belief that confronting these character “defects” and working to overcome them necessitates perfection. In order to avoid being controlled by the subconscious elements of their character, which could contribute to relapse, they feel they have to be perfect. It’s an unrealistic and damaging belief, which is why the authors, immediately after listing the expectations of the steps, assert that the process isn’t about perfection. The process is about progress.

Mistakes are necessary. Without mistakes, there is no gaining wisdom. It is the mistakes we make and the lessons we learn from them which make us smarter, wiser, and more resilient beings. If we “skip the struggle” as it is sometimes said in recovery, we skip the valuable lessons which were waiting for us in that struggle. Progress not perfection takes a burden off of our backs in recovery and frees us to move at a pace that is comfortable. High expectations can create devastating disappointments, which, for an addict or alcoholic whose brain has been rewired for pleasure, could be triggering.

There is no doing recovery “perfectly” or doing recovery all at once. Like all things in life, recovery is a journey, not a destination. Sobriety, the abstinence from all mind altering substances, is a daily destination and the only thing that has to be done “perfectly”. To not pick up and use a drink every day is perfection. Everything else is progress.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that I now understand the ‘progress not perfection’ too. I did get that I need to learn that perfection is unobtainable but I did not realise what it does for me. I took it as something to hammer into my system because people who know say it too. AND, I did realise that if I look at the progress I am happy, when I look at perfection I am unhappy. So that part I understood. What I did not understand is that wishing perfection is like emotionally and expectation wise reaching into the future towards the longed for perfection. And it makes me stretch myself thin and lose my centre (or losoe, you know the one). With losing my center I disconnect from the place where I am aware. When I disconnect it is easier to think that drinking is a good solution to anything. While it is not.

Perfection is emotionally living in the future. Pretty useless. The future does not really exist. I have been using it as a place to run away to. I have used my dream of perfection as an ideal to not have to deal with what is.

There is an aspect of wanting to be perfect so they will love me – an approach I upheld (t?) towards my parents. But actually my boss is teaching me that I do not have to be perfect. Funny. Then again, he seems to only accept me when I am honest about what I can and can not do. Where I would prefer…. to not be so honest sometimes. But then again, I’m a bad lier and he sees right through that anyhow.

Tomorrow is the last working day before my holidays. Need to carry over my work to my boss. Wish me luck. There are quite a lot of holes in what I do and he is most likely not pleased. I really need to leave with a good feeling otherwise there is very little use in having a holiday. I would be stressing out the whole 2 weeks. :-(. I am not sure I can learn to let that stress go. Or I need to do the total addict black or white thing where I go like “Ooh, don’t matter, I have another job in no time anyway!” I promised my higher self that I would make myself learn how to stay somewhere for a longer time. That is a difficult thing currently because I want to run! “Run, run, run, run, run, run, run awaaaaay, Oh oooh, oooooh oooooooooh! Ay ay ay ay ay ay aaaa!”

Breathe, Feeling. Breathe. And go to bed. Should have been in bed for 2 hours already but scared for tomorrow. 🙂 Ghegheghe…. sigh. How do other people do this? This work and living thing? Am I the only one who finds it so tricky? Am I complicated? Hmmm, not sure I would like an answer to that, ghegheghe.

I am happy that I quit. I know for sure that if I had not I would have already drunk to the holiday today and well, no,  I would not even have a job to screw up. 🙂 So, I am happy that I quit.

A woman who loves herself, would love herself. Calm down Feeling, have faith. “You worry too much. It’s gonna be alright….”

Wishing you a nice evening/day!

xx, Feeling

Throat infection, alcoholism, alexithymia, truth – possible 5th chakra issues

Home with a nasty throat infection after having been well, yeah ‘told off’ by my boss. He and I mostly see eye to eye but in this one case we did not and well, I overstepped (what’s new?) and he reacted. We got into an argument which was pretty much one-sided and left me confused and hugely frustrated. Some people in the company are not doing what they should be doing and he expects me to ‘make them do it’ but he does not fully and officially inform them of my position AND he, at that moment did not allow me to train them sufficiently. I hate that. I hate it to implement new rules and not inform people of this. I think this dislike to what I call a fascist way of teaching (yup, notice some anger here?) is a remnant of my past where I raced around trying to please a hugely chagrined caretakers hoping they would not (again) get really mad (over nothing – because they were tired, ill, frustrated and/or hung-over). The enormous, continuous tension in the house was unbearable for me. Walking on egg-shells, always.

Well, I am guessing my boss was in a bad mood, some business parts are not bringing what they should be and I guess that pisses him off. And I was not prepared for the conversation. I am happy that I quit because due to that I could realise how our energetic fields got entangled and how irritated and frustrated we were with each other.

So much of my life is repeating itself now. This feeling of me wanting to be the best of the class; only when I am perfect I have a right to live. Of me wanting to be liked by the boss: only when the top guy likes me I can be safe. And then my utter disbelieve and panick when being ‘told off’ – I have no other words for it.

My boss does not like me in panic mode. I feel it as if he needs me to be levelheaded otherwise he can not deal with me. Funny though he does appreciate me naming what is going on inside. When I block because I am confused and say ‘Sorry, I can not hear what you are saying because I am experiencing a block right now.’ he is ok. At which I secretly thank his wife for being as weird as I am. 😉 Guess she made him deal. Also I do not back away, I do not want to make him feel sorry for me or dodge a conversation, just explaining. But this time I did not. And when I do not say that he gets all irritated and, well, I would phrase it as ‘the energy around his body gets all sharp and tangled up’.

Well, this time I was not prepared for the conversation and felt like he was burdening me with other things than what the conversation was about but I could not say what I wanted to say because he was in his ‘I am the boss mode’ so it was a very unpleasant, unrewarding and all in all unsuccessful conversation. Yikes. Nasty. 5 Minutes later I start to develop anger and… a throat infection. I have been frustrated and angry for 2 days. Used that anger to be more decisive with colleagues which was, I guess, the goal of my boss mode but it did not feel good inside. It is just a sort of transfer of anger. No, not a sort, this transfer of anger.

The economy is catching on very quickly in our circles of business and getting and keeping good staff is an issue. I say: let’s take better care of people because in a lot of basic ways we do not. The person at the care-taker position has no family hormones and can actually spread three insults with one word. You think I am direct and blunt? Watch him. He’s my karma – and best friend of the boss. Aha! So my boss has a type in employees, ghegheghe… he likes direct, blunt people. His wife says he’s autistic. I would not know, due to my fathers autism I regard autism as normal in guys. It is my sad definition of ‘man’. 😦 I think he is very sensitive but sometimes lacks the tools to deal with that. Which might be the exact definition of autism. 😉

Whatever: what I wanted to say; I am home, sick, throat infection, sinuses infection, general feeling of blègh. Next week is the last week before my holidays and Wednesday I have an evening shift with 2 external companies so I need to get better quickly in order to leave the place well taken care off.

Well, this is a long intro in where I really want to get to: I have this idea that not being able to say the truth, being denied to hear the truth in early life has impacted my throat chakra in such a way that it ‘helped’ me to get addicted. Whenever I have throat infection (often, it used to be 4 times a year in puberty and now ‘only’ once every 2 years) my throat swells up and the stiffness is very difficult to deal with. As if I can’t breathe. I can, but it feels I can’t. Drinking cold drinks helps. Beer makes it all go away. Crying now over this remnant of addiction which is still alive in me. ‘Beer makes it all go away’. 😦 Sad now.

I had this ‘vision’ once; all the emotions / feelings  / energetic happenings run through the body and the nervous system / whatever acupressure lines in the body get condensed in the neck and create the emotional atmosphere around the larynx. Which, I’m thinking, is why we hear emotions in a voice. (Edit: reading the book of Anodea Judith on chakra’s now and it actually mentions that this is so. So it is not my original thought; I had read it before.)

5thchakra

The 5th chakra, the throat chakra is about truth in communication. From this page Chakras.info I copied some info in here. I left out the advertisements but kept the links. Please compare the emotional signs to those of people living with alcohol addiction. In my idea there is a 1 on 1 match. Obviously there is more to addiction than only this but, well, have a read.

A blocked throat chakra can significantly impact your ability to communicate effectively for fear of ridicule and judgement. A throat chakra blockage can also manifest as the inability to express and realize your truth in the world. When the fifth chakra is open and balanced, you are able to express yourself clearly and honestly in any situation with confidence.

Common Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

You may find yourself unable to speak your truth when you need it the most, or holding back on expressing your needs and desires. Perhaps, you long for realizing your dreams and living with a strong and clear purpose, but seem to not be able to quite get there. These are common signs that your throat chakra  does not function at its optimal level.

Physical Symptoms of Blocked Energy in the Throat Chakra

When the throat chakra is blocked or otherwise imbalanced, energy flow is hindered and can lead to physical symptoms affecting the head, mouth, throat, and neck. It is not uncommon to experience neck pain, headaches, hoarseness, and sore throat when the flow of energy through the throat chakra is disrupted.

Some common physical symptoms of blockage include:

  • chronic sore throat
  • frequent headaches
  • dental issues
  • mouth ulcers
  • hoarseness
  • thyroid problems
  • laryngitis
  • Temporomandibular disorders of the jaw (commonly known as TMJ)
  • neck pain

Consequently, the blockage can also impact your physical health. When you experience such signs of physical discomfort, healing practices focusing on the upper body area, in particular your neck and shoulders, can bring relief and allow energy to move more freely. Of course, for serious and recurring symptoms, please consult a physician whom you trust.

Emotional Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

When the throat chakra is imbalanced, the blockage can also manifest through non-physical symptoms that may impact you at various levels from psychological and emotional, to psychically and spiritually.

Non-physical signs of blockage can be more prevalent. Among the more commons signs are:

  • fear of speaking
  • inability to express thoughts
  • shyness
  • inconsistency in speech and actions
  • social anxiety
  • inhibited creativity
  • stubbornness
  • detachment

For instance, perpetuated blockages that are fairly significant can cause one to become arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. On the contrary, energy that flows freely through the throat chakra promotes effective, truthful communication. You are able to “find you.” You are confident, responsible, and can easily find the right words to express your thoughts.

A blockage of the throat chakra can cause you to become stoic, quiet, and fearful. The imbalance may also create feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and shyness when it comes to self-expression and speaking to others. Public speaking can cause near paralysis when the issue is a blocked fifth chakra.

An imbalance in the throat chakra can adversely affect many aspects of your personal and professional life. You may find you avoid social situations and are more comfortable alone. You may even become distrustful of your inner voice.

What To Do About A Blocked Throat Chakra

Clearing the throat chakra involves learning to let go and trusting your inner voice. Not a small task for a lot of us! Check out the general guidelines for throat chakra healing for practical ideas on how to restore balance in this center.

A few basic steps to clear this chakras include:

  • Working through and releasing all negative emotions, including guilt, hurt, and resentment can work wonders to restore energy balance in the throat chakra. Sometimes a good cry can also help alleviate a blockage of the fifth chakra.
  • Practicing mindful speech, action, and deeds can help you maintain throat chakra balance. For example, talk openly and honestly with others on a regular basis.
  • Meditating on and incorporating the throat chakra’s color, blue, into your life can also calm emotional upheaval. For instance, introduce blue-colored flowers or decor to your home environment.

In addition to all this I was wondering whether alexithymia – which, in a few words is the ‘inability to put feelings into words’ is related to a 5th chakra disturbance. And no, I do not want to place myself at the seat of your doctor in any way, I just came across this word for the so maniest time today in the sober blogosphere that I thought ‘how come’? Next: would there be a relation here which might be / feel true for some people. I know ‘as a fact’ or ‘as a fact which counts for me’ or ‘as something which feels true’ that my throat infections always have been caused by being lied to, not being able to speak the truth, being frustrated about not being able to voice my opinion. Blockages in the 5th chakra make people; arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. I think I can say ‘check’ on all of these. On the other hand those who have followed my blog also know (I hope) that I am a truth seeker. Not always on the right track, not always balanced – but seeking.

Looking at my Anodea Judith book now and she mentions ‘Alcoholism’ as one of the trauma’s in a child’s life which cause disturbances in the 5th chakra. She also mentions that a deficiency in energy in this chakra results in having problems with putting feelings into words, speaking out. Excess leads to talking too much (guess writing too much is included here ;-))

Anodea continues with: “Sometimes our safety and survival are dependent on suppressing our truth.” And ‘because of this we do not resonate with the truth and with others, we become disconnected’ (edited by me). Don’t we all recognise that? I find this process of starting to speak/write/live my truth has helped me to resonate with people and has improved my relations.

And yes: truth is ‘debatable’ if you will. People may say ‘there is no one truth’ and that is probably true. But that moment, I think it was right about now, 3 years ago that I realised that I had become dependent on the people of the detox clinic – and that I wanted to kill myself because they had not returned my phone call. Yes, yes, drama all around. Addiction does funny things when under stress. Well, at that moment, I decided to choose FOR me. To live MY truth. Not theirs. Not their way of putting me in a process, taking tests, assigning doctors etc. I find this world so confusing that I decided to start living along the rules of my truth. They say ‘people can not get sober on their own’ and ‘you need help’. Yes, I did and do need help, but not according to other people’s rules but according to mine. And yes I do screw up often in life and I would say that I have not gotten to the roots of my addiction when a day is spent Netflixing and eating cheese, chocolate and chips but I did do it the way I could and at that moment AND in hindsight I think for me that was the only way. With the addition: do not try this at home. I happened to ‘get away’ clean.

1% Of the people seems to make it to 1 years sober at the first try, with or without help. That is how strong addiction is. That is how strong the coping mechanism of alcohol and drugs are engrained in this society and in us people with addictive personalities. This 1% also motivated me highly to make sure I was part of that group. Also, I knew I would kill myself if I did not quit and I somehow figured out that would not be the solution I would have chosen if were not in active addiction. So, at that point it was quite a motivation. And not drinking seems to be somehow easy-ish-er for me than for others. I live alone, had no job then, all the time to myself. No relation to frustrate me 😉 or sink my sober boat with their aggression or own booze issues so I guess all of that makes it way easier. I am happy that I quit. And I still think I need to do more to be alive and sober. I also think to know that obviously, there are coping mechanisms in place within me because I somehow think that Netflixing with cheese, chips and chocolate (preferred over consciousness, compassion and choice 😉 ) is better for me. Until it gets boring. Like now. 🙂 Baby steps.

Back to the 5th chakra: Anodea Judith mentions ‘poisoning’ as physical issues too. Funny to realise that the last at least 10 visits I did to the GP were about poisoning, either by alcohol or something I ate. Hey! Next page of the book says: free writing, unedited writing = good. 😀 Ha! Guess I had made my own detox centre here.

Well, to be fair she also mentions ‘practicing shutting up;  in case of excess energy. :-D. That’s still work in progress. Who am I kidding. That is a goal for at least 5 life’s from this one. Anybody remember my last job where my boss said: “The only issue I have with your work is you talking too much.”  So yeah, I see some 5th chakra issues in me. Ghegheghe, funny in a not funny way. 😉 Also because that was not her only issue with me. But it was workwise.

I am happy that I quit.

I am grateful for: internet, for Schuessler salts because they help me deal with my throat infection, for the sober blogosphere because it has helped me to a lot to understand what is going on in addiction and I think I would not have been sober without it. I hope to somehow return to you what you have given but I still feel I am not ready to take ‘giving’ as a starting point in my life.

I am grateful for my beautiful friend whom I had a beautiful conversation with this morning. I am actually grateful for my job, my boss and my wonderful colleagues. I am grateful for my house and the cat who massages my back at night. 🙂 I am grateful to have been born in the Netherlands since we do not get to choose that. I am grateful for my parents who have taught me the alternative side of living, food and healing where I am much happier than in the ‘normal’ side. I am grateful for the wonderful books on sobriety and what have you written by people who ‘know their shit’. That is cool. I am grateful for all those who walk before me, either in time, skills or virtues and reach back.

Thank you all for making this world a beautiful place.

Well, another free written post to help balance the combined excess and deficiency of my 5th chakra. ;-). I hope there are some connections in this for people who read it. 🙂

Wishing you a nice day / weekend.

xx, Feeling

Earning the money

Work has been tough lately. I’m in this position where I need to check other people’s work and set guidelines for them to work by. But the overseer left and now my boss wants me to sort of ‘fill in parts of the gap’. That is tough, because I do know my part of the job, but not know enough of the work and the processes of the shifts to really oversee it all. However, with all my limitations and lack of knowledge, I am the best choice for the job. So I am/was dangling between being hesitant to step up to the job, being excited with the trust, and a little wary for the trap that lies within it. Doing stuff without really knowing the job = big risk to everybody.

All this dangling and not getting to the point irritated my boss to the point where it stressed him out. Which stresses me out, which stresses out my boss and down the spiral we went, quickly. So we spoke. And he asked me to not worry and just be truthful. However nice that may sound I am paranoid enough to think that it is hardly ever a good sign….. :-/ – or at least an indication that he thinks I was/am hiding stuff. Whatever.

If I have learned something in the last 35 months it is that not speaking what is really going on is not good. I have NOT yet learned to shut-up when there is no need to speak unfortunately 😦 but I did learn to say what is on my mind. So I spoke, and I told him that I was having difficulty, that I felt he expects more of me and I do to but that I could not find the ‘entry’ or the ‘right button’ to actually stand up and set things straight within me, and within production. He listened and backed me up totally. That was a surprise.

At some point I found the place within myself from which I could speak with all the people and that was good. Yesterday I parts of the team and I had a meeting. I think the message of ‘do you job safe and correct’ came across.

Afterwards I spoke with one of my favorite colleagues about the meeting. He said “people have been asking me how much power you have”. That was an eye-opener to me. I dropped that line in the recap with my boss and without a moments pause he said; “They need to realise by now that if YOU don’t like them, it will cost them their jobs.” At which I practiced my blank face. DaF! Guess I got promoted?!

Ok, so much for communication. I did realise that my opinion of people’s attitude, work and personality did matter to him but I had not realised I had so much influence. Secondly: I realised that my heart sang with this possibility. To actually be able to execute the HR decisions means I that I can actually execute improvements. And shit, in walk the traps: I have been in an unhealthy cloud of pride for a full evening, only to wake up and realise that karma is a bitch and that I had EXACTLY forgotten to do something tiny but important. EXACTLY something I had flogged the team about. 😦 and since they start early in the morning I was too late to catch it on my day off.

You know where they say that ‘humming or beeping in the ear means that somebody is talking about you’. Well, by now I feel almost deaf in one ear. So I called the office and with somebody else fixed it for me. Thank you colleague. 🙂

The trap, pride, vanity, this local megalomania which rose in me. Very attractive to get lost in but very dark, destructive and dangerous to others and myself if I do. The grabbing, the holding on, the fear of losing.

nearlyallmencanstandadveristy

I am 47, turning 48 this year. I need to settle in a job, in a profession before I am 50 because chances are the work world does not look kindly on ‘older’ people. I feel a lot of stress there. Also, this stress relates back to my addictive tendencies: wanting to fit in, wanting to be seen, wanting to be secure, wanting to control my environment…. All very basic needs but combined with what I call this raw power within that I have I am not sure how to deal. I’m guessing where things go wrong is where I want to control things. Never a nice trait. Stemming from insecurity but mostly from being overwhelmed easily and at the mercy of others in a negative, unhealthy way.

I need to realise this is NOT the case anymore in my life. I am 47, not 3, not 8, not 18 years old or any year in between and not in the hands of a physically abusive man. I have sort of learned to hold my own and I have learned to read the signs and flee on time. In theory I could start to relax at some time now in my life. Not? I think I need to but I also think/feel that I do not want to take the effort to change this, to do the things needed to make that paradigm shift. To look my fears in the eyes. A thought pops up. It says: “All what has happened, has happened. It was not about you, it was done to you. You do not need to change because of it.” Which I understand as a version of: “They can not take what you do not give.” I do not need to feel less, damaged goods, stupid, ugly, unloveable, less because other people tried to devalue me with their dirty hands, body, words and energy. It happened to me. It is not me.

That last bit is true as a theory but not as a practise since I have taken the abuse as something that I am. I believed them time and time again and have taken their despise and made it mine. Trying to energetically work the despise out of my ‘body’ currently. Difficulty to let go. Who am I if I do not carry that? It is such a big part. And it has blocked the front of my body totally. Rigidity. Impaired communications skills. My mind’s eye sees a big block of transparent ochre in front of my chest and down, blocking all the ‘chakras’ or energy if you want. Rigidity. Totally interwoven with my system. Visualising getting rid of it. I am so used to it that I overlook it. Guessing I have only a tiny window in time and space now to have a look at this and try to work on this.

And gone it is. Did get some insights in the last 15 minutes. Due to bad experiences of being controlled I tend to want to control my emotions and other people’s behaviour. Not good. I need to step back in order not to become EXACTLY what I do not want to be.

Also: I am not what happened to me. It IS not me. My body is not me either. My body is part of me.

Ok, enough to ponder on. Hope to find you well.

I am happy that I quit. Not so much in a grateful way. Did I tell you that as a present for my 35 month I ordered a compost set for on the balcony? Non smelly. The internal addict laughing his head off; it is a system which uses non-aerobic thingies to ferment = it’s sort of making alcohol from what I put in there. Signs. To me it says that I need to pay more attention to being sober. Not only not drinking but not addicting out in other ways. I still feel I am not living in awareness, letting things happen to me, not ‘in control’, often being reactive instead of pro-active. Most of the time this is ok, sometimes not.

Well, happy that I quit. No matter what let my story of being financially broke (not bankrupt but broke) and without a job to this situation in 1,5 year be an example of what can happen in sobriety. I did baby steps. I think. Not sure.

A woman who loves herself would take better care of herself than I do momentarily. I think I found out why self-care is so difficult: self-care stems from a place where I love and appreciate who I am. I’m thinking that for people with an addictive personality / using the spiritual mistake to quick fix everything in my life, this place from where one takes care is damaged by shame. Shame says: I do not deserve it, I am not good enough. And in order to remove shame I need to feel I deserve it. Which I don’t because I … don’t.

Not sure how to get out of that trap. I did find that if I try to take care of me, I start to feel that I deserve it. I am going to cook, eat and go to bed.

Wishing you a nice (sober) day/evening/week. Take care.

xx, FeelingBewaren

Bewaren

Good advertising

I don’t want to write about what troubles me but I did find another good subject which I hope will interest you. Addiction is not a sexy topic, it is surrounded by shame and this shame is carried by society. Yeah, I guess that is called a taboo. Well, the Dutch government just found a BEAUTIFUL way of getting messages across about smoking while being pregnant. I heard it a few days ago and thought it was brilliant! This is not an exact translation but the radio ad was something like:

Woman: “I am pregnant, so I quit smoking.”
Voice over: “Smoking while pregnant will damage the health of the baby.”
Boy: “My sister is pregnant and she does not smoke.”
Voice becomes part of the conversation: “You can help her by not seducing her.”
Boy: “DUUUDE???!!??!!!! She IS MY SISTER!?!!!”
Voice over: “Do not smoke when she is around so you do not seduce her into smoking.”

I found this funny obviously but also particularly good because the government really made an effort to get the message across in a way which can be heard because it is funny. That takes the taboo away. That makes me hopeful. 🙂

More information in Dutch, on this website of the Dutch government. And more on the do-not-smoke-while-pregnant campagne.

TIPS

1 Quit smoking together; if your partner is pregnant and quit smoking, you quit smoking too. That is easier for her.

2 Postpone smoking / do not smoke around pregnant women so you do not seduce them.

3 Smoke out of sight: seeing somebody smoke, makes people smoke, do not seduce a pregnant woman who quit smoking.

4 Do not ask pregnant women who quit smoking to shop for cigarets.

5 Set boundaries: tell others that you will not smoke around pregnant women (so to stimulate them to do the same)

Maybe I should try to pursue a job in a project like this. I am all not for 😉 setting up my own ‘I help you quit service’ because I am not the person for that. I am pretty sure I get irritated with people who do not do as I say. 😀 Which is a simple: just don’t drink. That is all there is to quitting. Ha! And then…… ghegheghe… arrrrrrr, life happens. That is where the swearing starts. 🙂 But a non-personal, more businessy approach would suit me well I think.

Oh, yeah, why am I thinking of this? Because I am so tired of my current job. I feel the heat of the audit which is coming up and ooh my, I am not ready, the company is not ready, the shit is hitting the fan and it, well, just hurts. On top of that a tire from my bike exploded; I had filled it up with cold air, pretty hard, in the morning and then put it out in the sun so it burst. All of my life there has been a comparison between the state of my bike and my personal life so, gheghe, I was not amused. I did something good though: I accepted help when my boss asked me to drop me off somewhere. Secondly I asked my neighbour to change the inner tire, which he did happily. He is sweet. 🙂 But just to illustrate how my life is running currently: my boss drove me back into town, I mentioned a crossing which he knew too. At some point he decided to take the highway, I tried to protest but did not get my arguments right, had forgotten why I never take that road. I remembered when we drove into this traffic jam. So I offered to get out at an earlier point and walked home. The next day I would take the bus but it was a national holiday so the normal busses were not running. At the last moment I realised that I did not have enough credit on my travel chipcard to return after work so I had to get that and missed the first connection. Just in case I had to walk on my heels I had taken some light weight sandals with me only to find out that it was way too cold to walk. I took off my boots and noticed I was wearing a grey and a dark blue sock as a result from putting them on in a dark room. So much for keeping my feet warm in the middle of nowhere. Socks in sandals are (very much not) ok when nobody sees it (but I could not care less that day). Different coloured socks in sandals are 1 big step too far. 😀

I went to buy a new tire. Walked to the closest shop, it was closed. The second closest to me would not open till 2 hours later. The third closest to me sold me a tire of low quality but since I had not bought one for years myself, I did not realise until I felt the quality of the tube when it was on the bike. This is how my life is currently; wading against the stream, continuously, with everything. I spoke with my boss about it. Should not have.

I had help at work, asks a person to make a stock list of certain items. She did, checked and double checked. I check the list a month later and there are items on it which do not even exist, never have existed and permanent items which well, go with the building, which are not on it. 30 Mistakes on a 6 page list. I know I have the assumption that everything is difficult but F! everything IS difficult and setting me back. Every two steps forward is one step back, if not two. I NEED to change this attitude because it is influencing me and my colleagues. My boss is getting tired of me because, gheghe, he is used to me being the one who cheers him up and now he has to cheer me up. Not good. He does not like that. He feels entitled to me cheering him up.

I guess that is something I have been doing all my life. When I had the vision of my twin brother dying I realised that all of my life I have been checking for disease in people and cheering people up when they are down. Both are must-do’s for me. I put my life’s energy in people in order to revive them. I assume that is how people like me. And when I don’t, boyfriends got angry. Always. I am tired. I hardly restore in the weekends. Eat bad convenience foods in order to try to revive me but well, we all know that does not work. I fear to feel. I fear to not be connected to a computer, I fear to realise that I am alive. I keep on thinking that ‘all will change after the audit’. I think I need to change before otherwise I will not survive. Aaah, the forces within.

New day: the production team of 8 has now 2 people less. 1 Head person and 1 good employee both left for reasons to do with their private life. The packing department was upset over everything and called a meeting with the boss. All kinds of things go haywire at work. Difficult to keep my centre. Worked hard today but went home ‘early’ as in after only 9 hours of work. Off to bed now, no use in hanging around Netflixing. 🙂 The need to take care of me is big. The powers within are big and unstable.

I am happy that I quit though. I can well remember the nausea I would feel by now over drinking too much. The actions I would have to take to wake up ‘fresh’ tomorrow. Aaahrg, gross. I am happy that I quit and I will go do what a woman who loves herself does: take care of me.

I am grateful for the new tire in my bike. Grateful for the beautiful weather and the tiny ducklings in the pond on the way to work. So sweet. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day / evening.

xx, Feeling

Guess who got a 25% raise today?

This life of mine is so strange. I got a 25% raise today. Just like that. Given to me. I did tell him that I think 50% is appropriate. He answered that with a raise like that he would want to revise the contract and he is willing to do that in 4 months. How strange is this. He said he had underestimated the job and also ‘I am not going to keep on saying this but I think you do a very, very good job.’

Ghegheghe, how about not being able to celebrate good fortune? I IMMEDIATELY moved into impostor fear. What if I can not deliver now I got a raise. Roller coaster from there on. How do other people deal with things like this?

And also: I got some money from the government to cover part of my rent cost and health insurance: I will not be getting that anymore. So… all in all… Well, that is ok. I need to climb out of that hole at one point in my life.

Next thing I went back to my old work this afternoon to return some DVD’s. There was no magic there. Everything looked familiar but was not ‘mine’ anymore. I told the nice guy I had missed him. He did not reply. So I guess there is no love lost there.

Now I am sick because of half a bar of white chocolate. 🙂

I’m going to relax, have a bath possibly, go to bed early so I can get 9 hours sleep. Need to do a presentation tomorrow. Number 3 in a row of 6 or possibly 12. Boss is going to be there for the first time. That was ok when I found that I earned too little. Now it suddenly is a pressure. Ghegheghe, don’t wish too hard, it might come true.

In between I am reading Amrut Laya ‘The stateless state’ – no, this is not a political book (or might be, dunno yet) it is about states of being. And it says that one has to get rid of pride or otherwise one will not find their true Self. 🙂 It aims for the same thing I thought I should aim for: clarity, seeing things for what they are, being true, being clear. So that’s cool.

I am happy that I quit. Today I find my life strange. I am happy that I do not drink anymore otherwise I would have gone on a bender and I would never have discovered my mood swing. I did eat too much chocolate though. Yuk. Time to learn something there.

A woman who loves herself would have a shower and go to bed. Let it all settle overnight. This is what I’ll do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening. I am off to bed and will see how life continues tomorrow. Sleep = good.

xx, Feeling

Life slowly returns to, well, what?

Life slowly returns to pre-ultra-active addiction phase. I am working at the level I did before I got into active addiction. And something is bugging me so I ask myself:

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would clean the room. 13:57 – 14:30 hours

I thought I could continue to write but ask myself: What would a woman who loves herself do and she would call a friend and ask for advice. Did so. Now I am back to the computer. And the sun is coming out. I need to change the mode I am in, not hang around here. Work is overwhelming. The external consultants think the deadline for the audit I am preparing for is not feasible but my boss is not happy to change it. I feel like I am being set up for failure. But pushing the audit out a few months, 3 would be reasonable, makes it so that it is after the end of my contract. So I feel I can not bring that up. Also, I feel that I am not making enough money for the responsibilities I have been given. Making double the amount would not at all be strange, I did not pay enough attention when applying, thought is would all be less difficult. I specifically do not make enough for the way I fill in the requirements for the function. But I feel I am in this tight spot where I say: “I am very good, do not earn enough, but I am not meeting the requirements and need more money and more time.” I have difficulty doing so. Don’t know how to deal.

Next thing: I think and fear the external consultant is gas lighting me to sabotage the project. The project is very extensive, includes a manual requirements for procedures to be set in place which is 200 page long. Those are only the descriptions. Each sentence can mean a day of work to get the procedure in place. They say it takes about 3 years to know the whole process. The consultant is helping but he does not give boundaries and priorities. He also contradicted himself the other day on a point where 2 weeks earlier he had said was ‘on of the most important procedures’ to show ‘we’ve got this system up and running for at least a few months’ while now he said ‘no need to do so’ and ‘go make those drawings’ (which in my eyes are of little importance) of which he says ‘well, everything needs to be done, this too’.

It brings me trouble because I do not want to work like I am checking a person and keeping a record. But he probably is. And the details are so many that I can not see through them anyhow so… Nasty.

And I need to keep sober. Not that I think drinking will solve anything but that is the person now who can, but only just, take care of me. If this continues there comes a time that I do not want to take care of me and that I want to forget and not feel.

I rewrote my ‘About‘ page today. Should have kept a copy of the old. Did not. The new page says that:

I compare being sober with a pressure cooker: I would build up pressure because of not/underdeveloped life skills, experienced pain and stress followed by ineffective coping techniques, then I would drink to let the steam off. Obviously the way to let steam off only got me into more trouble but it took me to age 44 while to find that out. In sobriety I think I need to:

1 learn to not build up steam and
2 let go of it differently.

I need to learn to not build up steam too much. I thought I did so by leaving my former job and looking for a new one. I guess I underestimated the level of overwhelm that this project brings. If I would still be a consultant myself I would be working around the clock to set things straight. But then I would be making 6-8 times my current salary AND I would be drinking to deal with the stress. I find it difficult to come to a

So yeah, I have, unknowingly been set up for failure. My boss admits that he has underestimated things. He has another project which is going haywire because the people he put on it are not doing their job. At some point last year he made 3 decisions which do not at all support the structure of the company and now it needs all his time to set these straight. I see that. Me being self-supporting makes it very easy to forget about my project. However… is it possible that he was as enthusiastic about them as he was about me in the first place? And now I am looking for a way to quench the fires  and the overwhelming powers of shame about my assumed incompetence, of shame because I am being lied to by the consultant, of shame and pain about the memories of the culture of deceit I grew up in, of pain about not being in contact with my brother and SIL because of what happened due to that, of anger about my salary, of shame about my incompetence of dealing with salary, shame about me having been addicted and being in such a state at age 47, all of these fires are burning inside. First drink thought since ages came up last Friday. I was very happy that the friend I went out for dinner with drank tea instead of alcohol. I guess if she would not have done so I would have asked her to change to soft-drinks.

I now understand how I got myself into drinking in my early working time by being overtaxed and needing to rewind quickly. It is Sunday afternoon now. I have been thinking of work 24/7 for a few weeks now with breaks only when I sleep and even then I can dream about this.

I need an arm around me. The realisation that having a partner can make a change in this is big. A friend of mine is moving out-of-town, she and her boyfriend are buying a house of 500.000 Euro’s, it needs rework. I feel ‘left behind’. I suddenly feel all the work I put into getting sober and being sober has been stupid because I was stupid to become addicted in the first place.

You know, dealing with addiction is not a big thing when all goes well, it is difficult when I come to the point where I do not want to care anymore because I feel stupid. Where I think I have no value anyhow. Where I am convinced I have less right to be here because of who I am. A woman who loves herself would: love herself. But I can’t currently.

In my head I hear Anne (Ainsobriety) (hi!) saying ‘compassion, show yourself some compassion’ and I realise I do not do that. Now I step outside me experiencing this attack on me and try to be the observer. The observer sees a very frightened girl who is afraid to fail bully another with shame, denial and all types of emotional abuse. The observer thinks I identify with the one being bullied. I wonder who the fuck the bullied person is. I do not recognise me from the outside. Strange this is. Don’t worry if you can’t follow, I don’t understand it either. I’m thinking I am dissociating in 2 steps here.

The frightened girl is very effing frightened. Need to go talk with her. She is very afraid to fail. Feels like she will die if she fails. Wonder where this comes from. I only remember my father once saying “If I would have built this faulty bridge I would have committed suicide.” He meant it. I was going to write I can not understand where the fear of failure would come from but my mother was a perfectionist. My whole photo album reads like a manual to the defected daughter. A lot of criticism hidden in wittyness. I can’t even read it anymore. My brother and SIL laughed at me when I mentioned that I found this painful. Adding insult to injury. And I do the same to me: not taking me seriously, not valuing myself, killing/selfdestructing when confronted with possible failure. Patterns are difficult.

Meditation helps. Plan to wake up half an hour early to meditate again during working days too. Meditation makes that everything I attach to; thoughts, opinions, fears, feelings of all kinds sort of seem unimportant, become unimportant and it helps me to energetically set to zero. I used to not know ‘how’ to meditate but the navel staring of the last years has helped me greatly to find what I was looking for; it helped me see how I attach to things, to feelings, where they, well ‘enter’ my ‘aura’ for lack of another word.

Hmm, don’t feel like writing anymore. Suddenly all of this seems superfluous. It is not. I know that. It is a log and it is a set time for me to force myself to check upon my sobriety. To see what drives me, what puts me in (e)motion. People say ’emotions are not facts’ – which is often true. But emotions will fuck up sobriety – which is why I think it is a good idea to keep a good watch on them. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would now read the book which she has wanted to read for the whole week. Turn off the computer and wifi to ensure better quality of sleep later. And make the bed now, not at the moment she goes to bed so she then dislikes herself for putting it off. So, that is what I will do. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I find going through this time very informative. I need to take care that it does not take me over and I need to delegate and take care of the girl who is so afraid of failure. She is afraid she will lose me because I have left her. This is such strange territory. With these descriptions I am ‘just’ phrasing how it feels/what it looks like, in order to give voice to what is happening, putting words to what I feel, how I experience things helps me to see and experience things. Or maybe it helps me to take seriously what I experience. Not sure. Guessing this is a phase I need to go through. Because it is here. Let’s see what it brings. What is in the way, is The Way. I can only get out by going in. 🙂

Sorry for an unfulfilling post with no ‘solutions’ to yet another drama. :-D. I’m off to read, make beds and meditate. Better than staring at a screen. Wishing you a good night/week.

xx, Feeling

 

 

 

 

 

and I can see now what difficulty got me into drinking more and more.

Does drinking alcohol desensitize me to love?

My stat-site of the this WP blog show that somebody found my blog by asking some search engine (not  Google) ‘does drinking alcohol desensitize me to love?

In case you are still around: I think the answe is yes. Alcohol numbs all kinds of true observations and real feelings but it feeds sentiments and the untrue stuff. If you want to find out how it works: quit drinking. 🙂

I need to be in bed in time so no further thoughts on the subject. I would however appreciate it if you would leave a message. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Life is starting to change. I still have difficulty relaxing after the stressfull time of the last months (boss, no job, tax audit) but I think I’ll get there. I did celebrate my 29 months sober with ordering 3 t-shirts and 4 books. Hey, I saved more than half a year salary the other day with the tax audit so it feels like I am entitled to. I only had 1 t-shirt left without holes anyhow. Now I will have 4! 🙂 You can’t believe how rich I feel. Not having to wash every second day would be nice.

I am happy I quit. A woman who loves herself would eat less chocolate because I feel it disturbing my bloodpressure and heartbeat and it is not nice. Not sure why (tf?) I eat it. It is starting to irritate me even more but I am still walking this strange road. It will sort itself out someday. 🙂 We have a saying; a pitcher goes so often to the well that it comes home broken at last and another one: the shore will change the ship’s direction / will stop the ship. I have currently no influence, need all my energy to perform in my job and stay healthy till halfway april at least because then I have a big work test. After that I can, I don’t know, start to live a little? 

Wishing you a nice sober evening / day and a good week! I am happy that I quit, my life is on the move again, slowly, but it is. 🙂

xx, Feeling