What is denial? How did you deal with that?

I just read a beautiful post at A Hangover Free’s blog. A men sends in a letter to a newspaper about his 26 year old alcoholic daughter. He, his wife and daughter live in one house and the daughters addiction linked behaviour is getting out of hand. A person who seems to be very familiar with addiction, denial and the (family) dynamics around this replies to the man’s letter. Please read here.

The whole situation made me think about my own drinking and how strong the denial about the problem was.

I still have no clue what-so-ever as to what words people could have used to make me see my drinking was a problem. Until I myself began to see it as a problem I just denied everything. Well, I have literally known from the first drink that I would get addicted but with that thought the denial already set in. I wanted to drink. Well, maybe I did not want to drink but I DEFINITELY did NOT want to be me. I wanted to ‘not experience being me’ in a very destructive way and I immediately felt that alcohol was the ‘right’ tool for that.

At my first, second or possibly third drink something ‘split’ away from me. Something I did not want to have true. It moved away from me and sided with all the other separate stuff I had unloaded on this, well, non-existent ‘me’ who walked beside me. Actually, come to think of it, this whole pack of unprocessed, denied memories and energies actually has a place next to my body; it walks at 4-5 o’clock behind me. And then there is this hurt part which I am aware-ish off which I have lifted up in the heavens. That comes with me at 1-2 o’clock at arms length above me. Do you also have these ‘not tangible’ ’emotional’ ‘storage rooms’ around you?

This is the first real day of my holidays. I have difficulty grasping the concept of it. The other day I was telling my neighbour that I would bring extra food (left overs from lunch) home from work because ‘That is so handy in the holidays, so I don’t have to cook.” Today I called the office for them to check upon a machine because there has been a little child running around my dreams for 3 days nagging me about the thing secretly not functioning. Sigh…. I did not ask for confirmation. I really need to let go. That, and only that has been my goal of the last days; relaxing in what I do. Eat chocolate like crazy? Take off the blame. What would a woman who loved herself do now? She would not eat chocolate. Can I not eat chocolate? No. I can not. But I can not hate myself for it. That is when rest settles in. In that rest I can experience the ‘restless energy’ which makes me grab the chocolate again, it actually feels like a frightened girl child trying to sooth itself rather mechanically. :-(. Wonder where she came from. Funny thing, me sitting here wondering if that is me. In a post about denial. I think to know it is me. Ha. But that is the brain only. There is no recognition in senses, in feelings. And before you (i!) know this whole experience slips away from me into, what? another compartmentalization. Life is a funny something.

My theory is that anything we do is based in the idea that it is good for us. So I prefer(ed?) denial over truth because I was somehow convinced that it would bring me less harm. Less shame, less guilt, less pain than knowing what my drinking was doing to me and my surroundings. Untill that balance is broken I find (I guess anybody finds) it difficult to change my behaviour. Unless we (i!) become conscious of what we (i!) do and how we (i!) react we (i!) apply coping mechanism after coping mechanism on everything we (i!) can not come to grips with. Then there is another natural rule: we like things easy and automatic, which is why things do not easily become conscious.

And a third rule might be that we live in a society which has unconsciousness as God. From anything to everything, we like it unconscious; we eat food made by unconscious people who do not care about the consequences of their actions upon animals, crops, water and fields and future. Look around in a supermarket and 95% if not more of what is available does not qualify as food; calorie bombs with chemicals and no nutritional value. It is detrimental to our health and we would be better, healthier and happier without because is does not add to us, worst; it ruins us.

We wear cloths of which the materials have been grown in fields with people who get diseases and miscarriages because of the pesticide big companies use on the cotton crops. Their water supplies are depleted and their land is wasted, never to be used for food again. We live in cities where the noise and distraction levels are so high it is difficult to even hear our own thoughts or sleep at night because of the light pollution. We are chained to anything which is digital, non-human, non-natural. We overfeed ourself with digital, visual and sound impulses till late after bedtime and call this life. We wake up moaning and demanding coffee to counteract the restless sleep that happened.

We bore out the second it gets quiet. Our standards for living are so ‘high’ that we need 2 jobs in a family to support the house, the 2 cars, the holidays, the clothing, the everything. Children get tucked away in schools, pre-school care, after school care, summer camps and whatever classes we see fit for them to take to ‘let them develop’.ย  But few of them actually get their 2 hours of physical play in open, unpolluted air which are a minimum for healthy physical, social and emotional development. We are pacified from birth to seniority by pacifiers, ADHD medicine, television, game computers, phones, internet, booze, drugs, all kinds of medication for mental illnesses up to our dying age.

Within one generation from visiting people by walking over to them and using the backdoor to step into the house without knocking we have gone to being offended when somebody actually calls – instead of ‘apps’. Our relations are digital, we share all of our life in pictures, blogs and emoticons online but a phone call is an intrusion of ‘privacy’ – not so much because they are actually intimately involved with anything at any time but because we are so overfed that it is an effort to really connect to a person at any given moment.

We live far away from what has been natural for thousands of years. When we get ill, which we do, have no doubts about that, we go see a doctor and get ‘medicine’ which are as synthetic as our lives and we are surprised we don’t get better. Or worst: we develop other illness as unfortunate ‘side effects’ or we get addicted to them.

/ Ok, Thoreau mode off.

And still; you know this. I know all of this and do I change? Nope. Well, yes, a tiny little bit. I minimized meat intake to once a week, not buying any, just eating 2 bites of chicken at work because it is in the lunch. I still eat cheese like crazy. I still wear cotton clothes, 2nd hand most of it. I live in a city. It drives me crazy. I will become ill of it, if I not already am. If this, this spilling my heart out on the internet is not already very much a symptom of the disconnected world I experience AND contribute to. Denial is everywhere. And I do not even know how to change. Baby steps Feeling, baby steps.

Oh, by the way, I do know how to change: by giving up all addictive behaviour I have. But I don’t. I guess I do not like consciousness because above is the floodgate of dislike, of hate, of experiencing displacement and powerlessness which opens up whenever I really start thinking about life.

Then, when I take a step back it looks like an addict all-or-nothing trait. Like talking the world upon my shoulders but not even being able to take care of my chocolate intake. Something with a serenity prayer ;-). What I write when in Thoreau mode is not untrue, it is just, well, I can only change what I have influence on and it is of no natural use to me to worry about things I can not change.

How did I get off track? Hmmm… Well, denial is/was so strong because my addictive part is (was!) absolutely convinced that it would be disastrous to not drink. Only when I found myself in the darkest of nights and where the disadvantages grew I could not muster the strength anymore to keep up the walls of denial and truth came seeping in. Which is only a logic result to how the Universe is organised. If I do not set boundaries to destruction, the outside world will do it for me, eventually.

quote-in-nature-there-are-neither-rewards-nor-punishment-there-are-consequences-robert-green-ingersoll-283891

goodjudgmentcomesfromexperience

I had no clue as to how to stop destructing myself and then somebody in a car drove me off my bike while I rode it on a pedestrian crossing. His anger towards me enormous and he was an enormous guy, even for a Dutchy. But I only saw him and what he did as a reflection of my own destruction. And that is what shook me: “My self-destructive habits have taken me over and others are acting upon it.”

Obviously he had NO right at all to actually yell at me for him not seeing me (yes, that is what he did). Or drive me off my bike at a pedestrian crossing. Or not even see me there. I mean? Well, that aside. But I am thinking this whole experience was not about that. It was about the Universe making me ready to give in. Or me caring so badly for me that it was not unnatural to be hit by a destructive force from the outside. Weaklings in a group get picked out and are preyed upon. I went to the GP to check on the arm which had a wound. Or I was ready to take this as a lesson from the Universe. What ever way… it happened. And in hindsight is was good. ๐Ÿ™‚

What was good about the GP’s behaviour is that she did not push me energetically. She did not try to persuade me. She offered a soothing proposal and then withdrew, respectfully waiting for me to reply. She told me: “On your terms and in your time.” and she meant it. (sort of ish, but enough for me to buy it) And because of her not pushing I did not have to build a wall of denial. Does that make sense?

I had told her the week before that I drank too much and that it had become a problem. She asked me why I had not changed things. I said I could not.
“Why not seek help?”
“That makes it real and that is embarrassing, I am so ashamed.”
“So because you are ashamed about your problem you do not seek help to change it?”
“Eh, yes.”

That’s when the penny dropped. Ghegheghe, this discrepancy is the first time I could looked at how denial about drinking worked for me. I guess I was ready to change and because she spoke without judgement I could listen.

To me denial is not about ‘not knowing’, I was constantly aware-ish of my drinking issues but I well, yeah, denied it; I made sure it did not come to the front of the brain. And when it did, like when it was undeniable because I did something stupid I covered it up with guilt (feeling guilty is a nice way to not to have to change anything – since you are feeling guilty already… ) and drank a little more just to not feel bad. Looking back there was a lot of power in that denial. And ha, funny in a not funny way; a lot of energy was locked into it too. It takes a LOT of energy to deny stuff.

During the writing of this post I did some online research. Came up with a vid of Teal Swan which I think is very informative and I think right in the sense of ‘correct’ or ‘she understands it the way I understand it.ย  As before: she is acquired taste and she is controversial but I like what I have seen of her so far. And yes, I do watch with care because (sorry Teal) something about her mimics does not always ring true. What she says does though, to me. I love her lists of steps. Never do any of it but it makes the process clear.ย  Hope you enjoy.

 

I am happy that I quit. Today this thought came to me: Sadness is loss which is not accepted. I am not sad about not drinking, I am happy that I said goodbye because it was a choice I made and I had and took the time to say goodbye.

Wishing you a nice (sober?) evening/day.

Ooh, in order to not Netflix I did a single player board game which I had laying about for ages. I was surprised to find that I had NO difficulty with it at all till I game to level 25. I can remember that 5 years back I found every single game a challenge! NEW!!! I had not realised that drinking had such an impact on my cognitive skills. (Yeah, denial, denial…)

xx, Feeling

On menstruation and periods – Teal Swan

Hello,

I found this a video worth sharing. Due to the ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ and hygiene you will not find me donating my menstruation blood to a vegetable garden but all other I am quite ok with. ๐Ÿ™‚ But most of all she verbs what I have been searching for all my life: the idea behind menstruation and internal energy. And I know for a personal fact that getting moon ‘light’ actually changes stuff internally.

Teal Swan is an acquired taste but I like her very much for what I have seen of her. She is the woman who invented ‘What would a woman who loves herself do.’ So how could I not like her?

If you have difficulty watching her, what I had the first time I saw her, try to see if the way she shaped her eyebrows bothers you. They are (sorry, seem to be) not congruent with her, (to me) that is misleading. Not sure if it is on purpose or a left over of her modelling times.

Whatever. She has a way of wording things which I like and I hold her in high regard for finding her way in this world.

Hope it brings you something. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Wow! I see on the calender that it is the 25th again so counting back I am 2 years and 10 months sober.

A woman who loves herself would put on socks (still an issue) and she would work out how to quit binge eating. I am getting out of control. Saw some photo’s of me and I have gone too far. I weigh 82 kilo’s again at length 1.65 so that is too much. I have weighed 48 at this length too. Which obviously was too little but just to show it it possible too without falling apart. I always seem to weigh at least 15 kilo more on a photo than I think I weigh. ๐Ÿ™‚ I seriously think I have reversed body-dysmorphia. ๐Ÿ™‚ Which is a BS description of it because the term itself says dysmorphia so there is no forward or reversed version of it but I guess you know what I mean: I think I am fabulous but as a matter of fact I am pretty overweight.

Note: from here on I move over to rambling, not writing. Wanna let the darkness out, see what it does. See what I do when I let go. Discover my intentions.

My food has gone out of control because my joblife has been too taxing in the last year. It is about this time last year that I had the concussion and that my former boss started getting downright nasty. I have been in stress about work ever since. I make about twice as much money now which makes it easier not to have financial stress. That is good.

What it comes down to is that I have an addictive personality; I want out but take the wrong way. I want to not feel, and I mistreat my body with sugar to stay quiet. I am waiting for some insight to change all this. Like with alcohol; in hindsight I did not have to do a lot for that, I just read a book, did some online training and quit on the insight that alcohol is bad (mkay?).

I feel that all my determination is reserved for not drinking, that I can not do anything else with the same resolve, not even working. And in between I keep on gathering information to answer all the 10.001 questions I have about life and work and I do not read more that 10 – 20 pages of one book. Can’t focus, don’t want to be still. Monkey brain running. At work I can better, but sometimes not either. I’m gonna take my egg-timer to work. I’m gonna use my egg-timer to do anything and remind me of:

  • focus
  • what would a woman who loves herself do?
  • how do I treat my body right now?

That should be enough to ponder on for the oncoming years. ๐Ÿ™‚ I noticed in the last months that a women who loves herself would drown herself in chocolate because reality was too difficult. But it is really getting to me now.

I need to change and I seem to not be able to do it. I had added the word ‘alone’ to it and then I deleted that. ๐Ÿ˜€ Gheghegheghe… still can’t go there.

What do I think I need to lose weight / to stop binge eating chocolate?ย  (and dates btw)

Edit: the below answer comes from the deep. Maybe it is only today, maybe this is how I think about the world for real. Not sure. Will find out in the future I guess. It is weird. Even for me to ‘hear’ this.

I want the world to be different. Totally. I find this world stupid and it is in the way of what I want. (Whoah! How about talking with the inner demon?). The world frustrates me and is in the way of what I want. Most people are. (WTF?!) I can not let my energy out, everything keeps on getting blocked. I keep on being put on an energetic sidetrack. There is this path and it goes straight from my core to what I am and where I need to be and I keep on getting blocked. I keep on getting side tracked. I keep on side tracking myself. I do not take that road as serious as I now think it is. I keep wasting my time. To walk that road is to walk in my destiny but I do not dare to because the powers there are BIG. Or maybe I just need toย  get to the center of the storm.

I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be whole. I have the right to make myself whole. I have the right to be me. I have the right to be me inclusive of all the weirdness that I have, that I am. I do not think I am more weird than other people, I just think other people do not (dare to) know it of themselves. I am brave.

So how come I am so not brave when it comes to food? How come I panick and have difficulty to write about it. Actually I am not writing, I am rambling and seeing what shows up. Letting the tantrum out to see what lies underneath.

I have a feeling overload now and my reaction to it is to go buy stuff. I have long suspected that I have a buy-addiction but I sort of manage it by buying tiny stuff like matches if I do not feel satisfied with the normal groceries. I also buy and collect books. This week was an all times high: I bought a historic book on practices and products which were related to my consultancy job (from 5 year-ish ago) but I would not even have bought then because of no use now to me. I just bought it because it is historic and therefore has value. To someone, somewhere. I just want to have it.

I tend to want to collect information before I act. But I never finish.

My eyes see a card on the wall, it has a text and says: “Whenever you got all your ducks in a row, beware of the domino effect.”ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

Ghegheghe, monkey mind taking me away from what was. I was overwhelmed by the megalomanious answer of the what, obstructed toddler in me? Not sure where that answer came from. Feels true ๐Ÿ˜€ but it is not always around. Going to full rambling now.

I have been thinking that I should re-read ‘Kicking the drink easily’ and put the word ‘sugar’ where it says alcohol. Does sort of the same for me anyhow. I’ve been thinking all kinds of stuff but not wanting to pursue. I do not want to do difficult stuff anymore. I feel I have been doing enough difficult stuff in the last years. But I also feel I am trapping myself in addiction again and again and again. If not with food, it is with Netflixing, if not with Netflixing it is with falling in love with yet another person who does not answer. And most of the time I do all 3 at the same time. Ooh, and I include berating myself. And overfeeling. Feelings are indications. Feelings are tools. Feelings are not meant to blow me away continuously. But I’m not living by that. I let everything happen. I have gon lazy. Or tired. Not sure. Overwhelmed for sure but I am not picking it back up. My boss needs me to go pick it back up.

I need me to go pick me back up. I want to live consciously. I do not want to be thrown about by addictive behaviour. I want to continue my path. Not stall in just another chocolaty corner I found to hide in. Another Lala-land, another Candy land.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor candyland

I believe at one stage in this blog I told you about the Ayahyasca experience I did years ago. While being under the influence of this (natural) drug I had this vision of a city made of man-sized candy. It started of with a kaleidoscope of the brands of Coca-cola and McDonalds and I was SO OFFENDED that this took place in MY head. In hindsight it is pretty cool to realise that the brain can in fact produce a perfect, perfect, moving kaleidoscopic movie of 2 brands both of which I would not be able to draw with my conscious mind but my drug induced brain turned it into perfection. F! I was mad. Obviously both the sugar village and the coke and McD where metaphors for my drinking then. Or possibly my binge eating now. ๐Ÿ™‚ When looking at the above picture of sugar land I feel nauseous. And still: that is what I do to myself. Again and again and again.

Gerelateerde afbeelding

And I do not want to wake up. Or possibly I am struggling to wake up. Hmmm,ย  more like it: I do not want to realise that I am struggling. That would mean that I do not have control. Aah…. haha, trap. Admit that we are powerless. ๐Ÿ™‚

As you might know I never did a 12 steps thing. I do find it interesting that a lot of my endeavours entail the same experiences / learning things as a 12 steps process but not necessarily in the same order. When quitting alcohol I had troubles with the admitting that I was powerless over alcohol. I think I am close to realising that now. In order to deal with it I changed it into: “I am powerless when alcohol is in my body which is why I need to make sure that it does not get there.” There is also another trick to that: whenever I keep it out, I do not have to admit that I am in fact powerless. So as a matter of fact it is a pride thing which keeps me sober. ๐Ÿ˜€ My fear of having to go to AA is and admitting that I am powerless is so big that I stay sober. Ghegheghe, whatever way works. ๐Ÿ˜€ (But yeah, this attitude does not sound sustainable I would say. Pride and shame never are – but it is not only that, it is also that I want to be done with the moaning and the destruction.)

Yeah, that is it. I want to be done with the moaning. I use moaning, confusion, addiction as means to not be. To not stand in my power. I am afraid of me when clear. I am afraid of really seeing. It is overwhelming. So I sabotage me.ย  I am done.

Gonna do something with my life. I am sooooo sick of sabotaging me. Blegh. I’m gonna have a shower, put on some socks, do some healthy shopping.

See you later.

I am happy that I quit. And if you are still reading this rambling text (hurrah for your perseverance!) I hope you are happy that you quit too! ๐Ÿ™‚ No matter the obstacles I put in my way, it is worth it because now I can learn that I do that. When drinking I did not learn a lot. Not learning is killing. Choosing life is good and it is rewarded. Ha! That makes it easier. Choosing destruction is not so good, and it gets answered too. Which makes it nasty. Which is just a warning. ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s how simple it is. I think. Need to go put that into action. ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you for reading. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope it brings you something too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

But this is how I understand how it works

The former post ‘This is how I should have done it :-)’ is about the logical approach to the boss/work issue. If I had any control left I might have taken that approach. However, the below vid from Teal Swan on intermittent reinforcement explains to me exactly the DYNAMICS of the relationship with my boss and why I did not leave IMMEDIATELY when she said something like ‘Well, I usually give, well, anybody a chance at this so why not you.’ in the job interview.

This vid explains my relationship with my boss, well, frankly with any man in my life too. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Now I understand how she does it. How I react, how wrong it is. Why it eats at me.

If ever you wonder why you can’t say NO to somebody, or why I did not do so earlier at my work ;-); here is the answer.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Watch Iron Man, get to be early. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Since I quit drinking information like this just pops up to help me along.

Hope you enjoy Teals work. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

In addition….

A few days ago I asked you whether or not you encountered funny things by accident that remind you of having been/being addicted. I encounter a shit load of them. Telling me ‘it is not gone yet’.

Just 3 minutes ago I was wondering whether Amsterdam Central station had indeed 15 tracks because I can remember asking ‘do I need to be at 6 on 10 past or on 10 at 6 past? And the reply being: x on x past would not work because that does not exist. So I, while actually playing the new mindfulness summit vid on the background…. ghegheghe…. eh, looked it up. I think to remember there is a track 10 so I Googledย  ‘spoor 6 Amsterdam’ (track 6 Amsterdam). It is a rehab.

So no, it is not gone yet. But I could have read that from simultaneously listening to a mindfulness vid and Googling on other subjects. :-D.

I am happy that I quit. And happy that I had/have it easy with the not drinking. I do think my combined physical (nutrients, Bach Remedies, Schuessler cell salts, Ayurveda), mental (books, free online alcohol desensitization training) and ‘spiritual’ (writing, reading, I am thinking, hoping, honest self analyses, setting a goal at wanting clarity, not at ‘ooooh, I should NOT drink, NOT drink’) have helped me here. But hey, everybody goes their own way. My not so very humble opinion on what to do in order to get sober has now (14 months tomorrow) changed to: you need to search and walk the path that is good for you.

I for one think to know for sure now that I could not have survived in a group event. Too many eyes looking at me. I’m en entrepreneur, need to find my own trail. And since I still have difficulty accepting other people near me I think I could not have dealt. Even though I do know that isolation is a addicty thing, I’m thinking I am doing ok with that. Well, let’s see. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wwawwlhd?: Right now she would shower and clean up the house because that has been bugging her. Did I say this projection of wwawwlhd? bypasses my self-destruct button which is always between me and the goal. It is like: think/want/need -> plan -> self destruct -> pain. Now I go think/want/need -> plan -> wwawwlhd? -> action. It’s a cool too. So thank you Teal Swan!

I want: ghegheghe, I still want things to be simple. I guess that means that I find that this life over taxes me. I never realised that. Can’t be the work I do, must be the perception or my possibility to cope with things. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Well, live has become a little simpler but the heat is on really now: the tax refund of 2014 came in and I paid of 5 months of what you call that in rent and some other overdue bills. But that is the last reserve, it will last for another few months but not more than 4. I really, really need to get a move on.

And, in that process there is this voice that pops up ‘Well, when you finally have that job you need, you can at least have a drink.’ NO!!! Working hard and drinking have always been connected in my life. It started off at my parents who would, in early years, drink beer at a Friday night, then work hard physically on the Saturday. Since we had a farmhouse (no farming) with an immense vegetable garden there was always loads to do. So on Saturday we would drink beer aswell. That repeated into later behaviour where every act of work needed an alcoholic reward. Brrrrr… turns my stomach to think of it. I think if I get the job next week I need to make sure that I got my dinner in house already so I can look forward to enjoying that.

On discipline: Again, with the question ‘What would a women who loves herself do?’ I think I finally found an entry into living where taking action is not something I do to avoid punishment or ‘not feel guilty’ but I am practising now with doing things out of love for me. Which is how I suddenly was able to do admin. And, on the other hand, not worry when I do not clean the house because obviously I love doing something else better. Teal Swan already said but the nice thing about the wwawwlhd? is that I never go outside of my boundaries, outside what I can carry because I project these answers myself. So when looking at a box of dates I don’t say: a women who loves herself would NOT eat these. I say: ‘A women who loves herself would have 3, with a special cup of herb tea, and then she would add another 2 because she really likes these treats.’

While before I would buy them, feel guilty and think ‘DO NOT EAT THESE!!!’ And end up eating 20 of them while NOT enjoying them and feeling guilty. The dynamics of guilt, they are big.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

3 Things: 1 the realisation that I have it easy not drinking, being happy about that. And hoping I don’t get cocky again. 2 Finding a compilation of interviews of a very outspoken vegan Gary Yourofsky in my news feed. Beautiful. Horrifying. But it gives me food for thought. I noticed in Ayahuasca ceremonies that those who did the clean food diet leading up to the ceremony had more ‘profound’ experiences during the ceremony. If there is such a thing as judging and labelling spiritual experiences. So yes, I do think that eating clean (no additives, no sugar, no, well, no nothing only veggies and fruit) leads me to be a better human and have more clarity. 3 My newly found rest. I just ask, what would a women who loves herself do now and do it. ๐Ÿ™‚ Pfiew!

I hope you have a good, loving, compassionate and possibly, maybe hopefully sober weekend.

xx, Feeling

What would a person who loves herself do?

Just got to let you know! I have been practicing this ‘What would a person who loves herself do’ thing from the vid from yesterday. I did it forย  one day now and it is amazing how my view changes! In small things and in bigger things, not in big things yet but I’m guessing that could follow. Like this morning, I was making the bed, disliking it. And I thought ‘wwapwlhd?’ and I realised she would not bother with wasting energy on disliking it. It is a cool concept!

Because there is a reflection through ‘the unseen other women who loves herself’ the whole thinking structure bypasses my own sabotaging system. ๐Ÿ™‚ Because it is not about me, it is about her and I then apply it to myself. Let’s see where this brings me. ๐Ÿ™‚

Bit anxious because I am planning to visit a company and do an intro of myself (cold call) for a job intro. I can’t write letters of application currently, I sabotage. But I can visit people. If that is the way to go, that is the way to go.

I am happy that I quit. This morning I woke up and in that moment between sleep and awake I felt yeah, hold yourself, I felt the ghosts / souls of the animals I have eaten leave my body through my breath. I feel way better now. I have this thing with being a vegetarian because I think I should but I also, well, used to, like meat. After the vid from Sadhguru on why meat is not such a good idea the subject has been on and off my mind. And while walking the food store and doing the ‘what would my body like to eat’ I bypass the meat. I sort of think I still can eat fish but actually, I don’t. The whole well ‘idea’ (?) has to do with becoming clear and meat dims the brain and soul and life energy. I’m thinking one can’t go around killing animals or people for that matter and thinking that clarity will come from that. But I never set out to do this and now this insights are happening without me hmmm, ‘wanting’ it? If that makes sense? I mean, I’ve got enough on my plate – ghegheghe, no pun intended – well, let’s leave it at that.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

Wwapwlhd?: She would not write a blog here but prepare the job application to give herself the best possible chances.

I want: these people to call me and offer me the job for 3 days and 4 times the salary. Hmm, maybe I should become realistic about my wishes. I wish myself a conscious learning experience with hopefully a good outcome.

3 Things: this wwawwlhd? practise, liking it. 2 The veggie insights, 3 Me daring to go to a job interview. Oooooh no, I don’t dare. Oooh shit. I’m don’t think I am in a good place to do this but I told myself I would.

On discipline. Well let’s see for the next post if I did this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Hope you have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

Blocks, blocks, blocks, blocks and some insights from outside.

Well, I’m there where I need to be: experiencing bears on the road and blocks in me everywhere. Life does not stream anymore in me which is becoming very obvious now. I had some ups a few weeks back but now I’m sort of stuck in the same place as before. The problem now is not the lack of energy, it has come down to what has been the issue all of my life: I do not like me and I do not like being here or practical versions of that in experiencing a fear to introduce myself to recruiters/HR.

I have become very sensitive about how I look. I’m guessing that the incident with the book store man has to do with that too. I am starting to experience what it is to have grey hair and to be 45 without kids to look back upon. A friend send some pictures of me playing with her kids outside. I look like a freaking elephant. It would be a running, laughing, smiling, dancing, active elephant with a shitload of beautiful grey hair. And I only see the elephant, the aging elephant who can deal with kids but not with adults. I see the kids I never had, feeling how much it hurts to be not even considered as a relation option by any man of my own age. Only elderly guys looking for a big mama experience. After elderly man number 6 showed up it is not funny anymore. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

The bookstore man once said: ‘Feeling, you HAVE to love yourself otherwise you can not BE in a relation.’ He’s right. And I can not. And then I want him to love me because I can not which is where the longing is. And obviously I feel lousy when he does not which…. makes the issue even bigger. I realise now that I have always wanted the other to fix me, to complete me.

Since I have been circling around these internal blocks for a few weeks now the structure of my self destruction becomes more and more clear. Obviously I have to do stuff because of financial reasons.

So when Nick Ortner with tapping on financial issues came along I watched his vids. I think tapping works really well, but only if we are, ok, I am, able to see where I am at. ‘Just’ tapping on positive things will not work. It works wonders for me however when I tap and find the right words; a whole world of attached experiences opens up, like a magician drawing a line of knotted handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. Those attached experiences I find very helpful because they give information on how things came about and about the, eh, size (?) of the field. The scope might be a better word.

I am currently at video 3. It starts with ‘love and accept’ and I just can’t. So I went to look for other tapping scripts online for tapping on love and acceptance and I find I can not use them. I look at the person on the screen and think: I see these flashes of shame on your face while you do this, how can you say you have learned to love yourself? Or other, how am I supposed to believe it when I say ‘I never deserved to feel so guilty and ashamed.’ – while I actually do think I do?

Well, ask me and I will say I do not think so and rationalise the shit out of it but deep down, well, not so deep down, I am struggling with worth, with love, with compassion. So I looked further and found Teal Swan. She is the unruly, spiritual witch version of Brenรฉ Brown with a tiny bit of a commercial sauce which took me a bit of getting used to but I like it a lot so; hang in there. And eh, if you, as some might wonder how somebody so beautiful and brainy might not experience self-love -as I did as I was focussing all the the self destruct on appearance now-ย  …. she also had 13 years of ritual sexual abuse and torture in her young life so…. :-/ย  ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Hope you enjoy. I specifically liked her practise of asking yourself ‘What would a person who loves herself do in this situation’. Beautiful, started applying it in a lot of things today and it gave great peace.

Part of my search for self love is about The Other and how I hope whatever He can solve my issues. Together, complete, forever, blablabla, well, we all know the fairy tale. So on my outing to the give away store I found ‘The invisible partners’ by J.A. Sanford which describes ghegheghe, the Jungian view of male-female and anima (female part within the man) and animus (male part within the women). How well-timed by the Universe. It’s a good read. Laughing my head of while reading next to the bonfire at the store. It eh, gives insight in how we (I!) project our animus in the man and make him our (my!) hero and to what problems this leads. Very good info, specifically for a person like me who has a rather inflammable heart. And easy to read because he does confirm my assumptions that falling in love is nothing more than a net of projections I cast over the other by which I try to real him in. Yeah, dark.

Then again: if somebody feels like he fits the projections…. :-D. Well, obviously such a relation is not sustainable but I’m not there where he explains how to do it differently. I am reading! Not Netflixing, because a person who loves herself would be reading. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit, even though I stumble over every little thing I am working on what I believe are my 2 basic issues: not liking me and not wanting to really be in this world. So: good!

I need: I think I will change this into ‘What would a person who loves herself do?’ (WWAPWLHD?) A person who loves herself would continue to read for another 15 minutes and then go to bed.

I want: well, now I sort of think to know how it works and had the learning experience I feel it is MY RIGHT for things to become easy :-D. Aaaah, still living a dream.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and I notice swelling of my breasts which I am curious about. See where that goes.

On discipline: the WWAPWLHD? works better than berating.

On sugar: the other day I worked out that I did not want sugar, I just felt bad and wanted sugar to fix that. So I changed over to dates. Less poisonous. And with the WWAPWLHD I can keep the intake at 5 and be happy instead of 20 and still be unhappy. Let’s see.

3 Things: the book I found, the video I found, my determination to keep on looking for where I CAN find an answer. I feel I have to blast a trail through this sobriety stuff but well, obviously I seem to like it that way. Or I am doing all that not to do what I should be doing…. :-/ Who knows? I think it is both actually.

Hope you are having a good day. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling