Life slowly returns to, well, what?

Life slowly returns to pre-ultra-active addiction phase. I am working at the level I did before I got into active addiction. And something is bugging me so I ask myself:

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would clean the room. 13:57 – 14:30 hours

I thought I could continue to write but ask myself: What would a woman who loves herself do and she would call a friend and ask for advice. Did so. Now I am back to the computer. And the sun is coming out. I need to change the mode I am in, not hang around here. Work is overwhelming. The external consultants think the deadline for the audit I am preparing for is not feasible but my boss is not happy to change it. I feel like I am being set up for failure. But pushing the audit out a few months, 3 would be reasonable, makes it so that it is after the end of my contract. So I feel I can not bring that up. Also, I feel that I am not making enough money for the responsibilities I have been given. Making double the amount would not at all be strange, I did not pay enough attention when applying, thought is would all be less difficult. I specifically do not make enough for the way I fill in the requirements for the function. But I feel I am in this tight spot where I say: “I am very good, do not earn enough, but I am not meeting the requirements and need more money and more time.” I have difficulty doing so. Don’t know how to deal.

Next thing: I think and fear the external consultant is gas lighting me to sabotage the project. The project is very extensive, includes a manual requirements for procedures to be set in place which is 200 page long. Those are only the descriptions. Each sentence can mean a day of work to get the procedure in place. They say it takes about 3 years to know the whole process. The consultant is helping but he does not give boundaries and priorities. He also contradicted himself the other day on a point where 2 weeks earlier he had said was ‘on of the most important procedures’ to show ‘we’ve got this system up and running for at least a few months’ while now he said ‘no need to do so’ and ‘go make those drawings’ (which in my eyes are of little importance) of which he says ‘well, everything needs to be done, this too’.

It brings me trouble because I do not want to work like I am checking a person and keeping a record. But he probably is. And the details are so many that I can not see through them anyhow so… Nasty.

And I need to keep sober. Not that I think drinking will solve anything but that is the person now who can, but only just, take care of me. If this continues there comes a time that I do not want to take care of me and that I want to forget and not feel.

I rewrote my ‘About‘ page today. Should have kept a copy of the old. Did not. The new page says that:

I compare being sober with a pressure cooker: I would build up pressure because of not/underdeveloped life skills, experienced pain and stress followed by ineffective coping techniques, then I would drink to let the steam off. Obviously the way to let steam off only got me into more trouble but it took me to age 44 while to find that out. In sobriety I think I need to:

1 learn to not build up steam and
2 let go of it differently.

I need to learn to not build up steam too much. I thought I did so by leaving my former job and looking for a new one. I guess I underestimated the level of overwhelm that this project brings. If I would still be a consultant myself I would be working around the clock to set things straight. But then I would be making 6-8 times my current salary AND I would be drinking to deal with the stress. I find it difficult to come to a

So yeah, I have, unknowingly been set up for failure. My boss admits that he has underestimated things. He has another project which is going haywire because the people he put on it are not doing their job. At some point last year he made 3 decisions which do not at all support the structure of the company and now it needs all his time to set these straight. I see that. Me being self-supporting makes it very easy to forget about my project. However… is it possible that he was as enthusiastic about them as he was about me in the first place? And now I am looking for a way to quench the fires  and the overwhelming powers of shame about my assumed incompetence, of shame because I am being lied to by the consultant, of shame and pain about the memories of the culture of deceit I grew up in, of pain about not being in contact with my brother and SIL because of what happened due to that, of anger about my salary, of shame about my incompetence of dealing with salary, shame about me having been addicted and being in such a state at age 47, all of these fires are burning inside. First drink thought since ages came up last Friday. I was very happy that the friend I went out for dinner with drank tea instead of alcohol. I guess if she would not have done so I would have asked her to change to soft-drinks.

I now understand how I got myself into drinking in my early working time by being overtaxed and needing to rewind quickly. It is Sunday afternoon now. I have been thinking of work 24/7 for a few weeks now with breaks only when I sleep and even then I can dream about this.

I need an arm around me. The realisation that having a partner can make a change in this is big. A friend of mine is moving out-of-town, she and her boyfriend are buying a house of 500.000 Euro’s, it needs rework. I feel ‘left behind’. I suddenly feel all the work I put into getting sober and being sober has been stupid because I was stupid to become addicted in the first place.

You know, dealing with addiction is not a big thing when all goes well, it is difficult when I come to the point where I do not want to care anymore because I feel stupid. Where I think I have no value anyhow. Where I am convinced I have less right to be here because of who I am. A woman who loves herself would: love herself. But I can’t currently.

In my head I hear Anne (Ainsobriety) (hi!) saying ‘compassion, show yourself some compassion’ and I realise I do not do that. Now I step outside me experiencing this attack on me and try to be the observer. The observer sees a very frightened girl who is afraid to fail bully another with shame, denial and all types of emotional abuse. The observer thinks I identify with the one being bullied. I wonder who the fuck the bullied person is. I do not recognise me from the outside. Strange this is. Don’t worry if you can’t follow, I don’t understand it either. I’m thinking I am dissociating in 2 steps here.

The frightened girl is very effing frightened. Need to go talk with her. She is very afraid to fail. Feels like she will die if she fails. Wonder where this comes from. I only remember my father once saying “If I would have built this faulty bridge I would have committed suicide.” He meant it. I was going to write I can not understand where the fear of failure would come from but my mother was a perfectionist. My whole photo album reads like a manual to the defected daughter. A lot of criticism hidden in wittyness. I can’t even read it anymore. My brother and SIL laughed at me when I mentioned that I found this painful. Adding insult to injury. And I do the same to me: not taking me seriously, not valuing myself, killing/selfdestructing when confronted with possible failure. Patterns are difficult.

Meditation helps. Plan to wake up half an hour early to meditate again during working days too. Meditation makes that everything I attach to; thoughts, opinions, fears, feelings of all kinds sort of seem unimportant, become unimportant and it helps me to energetically set to zero. I used to not know ‘how’ to meditate but the navel staring of the last years has helped me greatly to find what I was looking for; it helped me see how I attach to things, to feelings, where they, well ‘enter’ my ‘aura’ for lack of another word.

Hmm, don’t feel like writing anymore. Suddenly all of this seems superfluous. It is not. I know that. It is a log and it is a set time for me to force myself to check upon my sobriety. To see what drives me, what puts me in (e)motion. People say ’emotions are not facts’ – which is often true. But emotions will fuck up sobriety – which is why I think it is a good idea to keep a good watch on them. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would now read the book which she has wanted to read for the whole week. Turn off the computer and wifi to ensure better quality of sleep later. And make the bed now, not at the moment she goes to bed so she then dislikes herself for putting it off. So, that is what I will do. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I find going through this time very informative. I need to take care that it does not take me over and I need to delegate and take care of the girl who is so afraid of failure. She is afraid she will lose me because I have left her. This is such strange territory. With these descriptions I am ‘just’ phrasing how it feels/what it looks like, in order to give voice to what is happening, putting words to what I feel, how I experience things helps me to see and experience things. Or maybe it helps me to take seriously what I experience. Not sure. Guessing this is a phase I need to go through. Because it is here. Let’s see what it brings. What is in the way, is The Way. I can only get out by going in. 🙂

Sorry for an unfulfilling post with no ‘solutions’ to yet another drama. :-D. I’m off to read, make beds and meditate. Better than staring at a screen. Wishing you a good night/week.

xx, Feeling

 

 

 

 

 

and I can see now what difficulty got me into drinking more and more.

Basically it is a bitch fight over guys.

Well, boss read the letter of resignation and she was pissed off big time. And Monday morning brought 2 people from HR to the workplace and the required a talk with the boss first, then with me and then with the boss. Tuesday they came back and we had a talk with the 4 of us. Guidelines for contact have been set; basically we promised to act normal towards each other till the rest of the time and I am not allowed to disclose the content of my resignation letter.

My boss was angry. Totally out of herself angry. And then she started crying and what I understood from what she said is that she feared that I had set up the guys against her behind her back. This is when it hit me: she is right, I have tried to make myself secure by finding allies. BUT YOU STARTED IT!!!

Yes, that is exactly how childish it is. 😦 Queen bee being scared of her throne and me battling it out with her. And you know, if she would have said “I am sorry that I was mean to you but I feel threatened by you and how the guys like you.” All would have been ok. I understand that. And I would have said: “I am sorry that I got myself dragged into this, I am sorry that I looked for allies instead of talking to you. I had never thought I could. And it took me quite some time to confront you and set boundaries. I am sorry that I have been mean to you and lost sight of your humanity, my humanity. We have lost time in meeting each other. I regret that.”

Aaah, in hindsight: I am sorry that I have let myself be pulled into this. It is informative: now I know how it worked that she started to dislike me and treat me bad since ever I found my footing in the company and started being appreciated by my colleagues. 😦 I am guessing this is a nasty experience I would rather have done differently. Ooh, longing for the time where wisdom comes BEFORE I do something stupid.

So how come I did not see this. I did sense it, but I felt threatened because, well, because she did threaten me. She should not have. She does not earn at least 3 times my salary to behave like this, which is what I threw at her feet. Practised being angry again, now with HR there, they were impressed. My HR person said: “You two look a lot alike.” I answered that I had been afraid that this would be the outcome. I said: “I never fight, I never argue with people, mostly I am too scared. Now I do. I find that being angry feels better than being sad, I guess that is why a lot of people are so angry.” HR woman said: “Maybe that is why your boss is so angry. She is very sad as well.” “Yes, I noticed.” And then I told her what I wrote above, on the insight I had that we both fear that the other throws us out of the group. She understood. And she understood why I don’t believe the apologies my boss is making now.

So basically it is a bitch fight over guys. 😉 Never thought I would make myself lose a job over such a stupid thing. Which does not justify her behaviour. But I was there too.

I am very happy that I quit because otherwise I would not ever have been able to look myself in the eye and come to that enormously silly conclusion. I am happy I did, and, if nothing changes, I will, in the end, explain my insight to her and offer my apologies. Hoping for ubuntu.

It is a strange world.

I have a ‘job application’ tomorrow / interview for taking on an assignment. Wish me luck. I am not feeling lucky but I would really appreciate this assignment.

xx, Feeling

World coming down

In short: Friday I will hand in (mail) my resignation and the tax office wants to audit me from 2015 back to 2010. How funny is that for somebody who can’t even open a letter? Well, I guess that is how karma works; life gets thrown at me until I deal. Not dealing? Throwing continues.

I am happy that I quit. I am also very sad. Not sure why. Because I feel like I can’t deal. Like I am not worth ‘it’, whatever that might mean. I find life too difficult sometimes. Now is one of those moments. I did call my SIL and she got some really great advise on trying to get the tax situation clear by asking questions. Hey!!! 😀 I would like to think I could have worked that one out myself but…. no. 🙂 Not now with my head, heart and body in stress. Last night I woke up with pain in my chest. Sometimes I can’t breathe well. I wish I would know what the heck I’m doing this all for. And then again: all I need to do is to get and stay clear and I guess working through this is part of that. 🙂 And in the end; take it one step further and un-mess my life. This is all just the result of not taking good care. And that is how Life is: if I do not set boundaries the outside world will do that for me. That is what happens when one drinks too much, that is what happens if one sits on one’s ass and lives without purpose and only reactive.

I’m off to bed. Very much in need of some good sleep. 🙂

I wish you all a good day/night.

xx, Feeling

 

Lesigh, karma overrunning darma

A few days ago I commented on a (wonderful post) of Abbie in, what now, when looking back, looks like a mood of sheer frustration from my side; running up the walls. I am sorry Abbie. 😦 I should not have poured my desperation onto your blog. 😦

Also: is there anybody who can, from the outside, give me their view of what is going on in this reply? What do you think where I go off track because, frankly, when reading this back to me it seems like I am desperate and drunk. Obviously I am desperate, obviously I am not drunk. I did have a whole lot of sugar that day. Lately I feel I do not make any progress, actually, I feel like I have been stuck in resentment (YES! THAT is the word/emotion) against my boss (is that how to use the word in a sentence?). It is frustrating. I thought I was doing well, and then suddenly I find myself at a place where I have derailed and (again 😦 ) spilled my negative energy into a comment.

Now I come back to the ‘suddenly’ because I think I am lying to myself there. I think my use of sugar has replaced the use of alcohol. I come home and I binge on chocolate. 1 Bar of 100 grams, 72% dark eco chocolate and maximum 20 dates. For my system that is way too much. It numbs me. The way I use it is how I used alcohol. (You can wonder about the words there, I am not sure if I used alcohol or alcohol used me, or possibly both are true.)

My blood pressure is sky high, obviously also due to the tension at work and because I do not react to the signs of my body. Whenever I get home I do not want to ‘be aware’ anymore. I want to numb out. I still think that being aware of what is going on is ‘too difficult’. Apart from being happy that I quit, lately I find life very difficult again – not the sober part, that is ok. When I read other peoples posts I think: what is wrong with me? Why are all these people so runny, cake baky, meditationary, yoga-y? Why do I not ‘cope’? Is it because I have to do everything by myself? As in, not being in an intimate relation and not having parents? Is it because I don’t do AA and therefore miss out on development? (I still think I need to settle down in my aversion against religious approaches, even in texts. I have been religiously pounded on the head with not being good enough to live, anger flares up whenever I have to ‘as we understood Him’. To me it feels like an exact repetition of my teenage life where my autistic and fanatically religious father tried to scare, shame and bully me into submission. I think to know it is different, it is ‘just’ that any reference pushes my buttons. It is getting less so I’ll get there one day. 🙂 The ‘we accept that we are powerless’ does not really go down well. 😦 Ooh, for those who wonder: I think to know I am powerless over alcohol when it gets into my body. Which is why I use the power that I have to choose not to drink it and I am very happy I quit.)

This is my comment to Abbie’s post. Please let me have your thoughts.

It is not without frustration that I write this and I hope you can read through that and maybe find time to answer the question at the end of this comment.

What I find difficult in this approach to un-addicting or reversing the process of the addictive personality is that nobody is able to tell me HOW to make a change. Changes made ‘over the rational’ do not last long in my experience/life. ‘Just do it’ does not cut it for me. I quit drinking, that went down in a sort of ‘just do it’ way. But all the other stuff? Well, today I posted 3 posts.
1 On how I am doing after clashing with my boss.
2 On how people who are all in control would react to it and
3: The final post of a vid which FINALLY, after 10 months, made me understand the dynamics of the relation with my boss and how it had come about. And with that I understood this aspect from almost all the other relations I had, those with my parents, those with partners or bosses. The aspect of the intermitted reinforcement / codepency became so very clear.

For the post of how to react to bosses when you are in control: I am not there yet. And I actually think when somebody is so much aware of the things going on and so much control of their own reactions, they would probably not even start working for a boss like that.

All the lists of how to on WordPress, by professionals, on Facebook by (non) professionals do not influence me other than making me feel inadequate and, well, actually (yeah yeah, I let them) disable me. Unless I understand, figure out how things work, how I am feeling wise / emotionally attached to the situation with my boss (preferring abusive relations/addicted to intermitted reinforcement/double bind) I seem to have no entry at all. (Can anybody please please please tell me) How (on earth!) other people learn? (In between their running, yoga, high end jobs, family, relations, saving the world, holidays, cake baking, volunteering?) I am at loss. Even though my life is not easy I think I am exactly on the path where I should be, out of the 20 something people I knew I started with blogging at the same time, I and another person are the only ones continuously sober so there is something going well.) It is just that these lists, the how to’s which I can not get/grab/apply, they get to me.
xx, Feeling

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you (are trying to?) quit. ❤

A woman who loves herself should, possibly, reread the text and edit it so she will not be embarrassed by it the day after. [Insert foul language] This is how slow my learning goes. It takes me more than to years to come to a point where I find it important for self-protection to reread a post and possibly edit it. Well, I did choose to do it all organically, biologically, see where Life takes me. But by now I feel I want more control. But I do not want to do the work. I feel like I have done enough actually. Ooooh, ouch. I feel like I have become sober and Life punished me with this sadistic dragon of a boss which I have to fight in order to survive. Today I heard that last week she send a VERY PRETTY new girl from HQ through the workspace just in order to get her ogled at, yelled at and whistled at by the guys. This was AFTER I spoke with her on sexual intimidation. WAR IS ON. The guys recognised the game and not one shit was given that day. Ghegheghe. The contract of her main business friend is not being continued. He drinks like a fish. Turns totally purple in every move and fights his way through the company. I just hope this helps her lose ground at HQ. Mean? Yes. Resentment? Yes. Hoping for revenge? Yes. Getting a life? Nope…. 😦 Learning to let go? No. Putting energy in my own life? No. Sigh. It is not easy. Ooh. Watch the vid from Teal from my last post again. 🙂

Please let me have your wisest/most angry/funniest/most informative comments to my state of mind/being in ‘recovery’. I try to unaddict. I want to become clear. I tend to forget that. I tend to fogg up with BS because I am rather lost than clear. Clear hurts. Feeling things clearly hurts. So much pain I can not handle. This is how I view life now. Guess I have viewed it differently but I can not remember. And then again: is it all mine? Nope, I don’t think so. I think I carry a truckload of pain from my parents, about my parents, about their abusive relationship, about how this made me feel, about how I feel I need(ed) to protect my mother, and my father and my brother from everything going on. The fights, the anger, a house full of hatred, resentment, bitterness and despise. Not a good environment to grow up in. The goooooooood thing about not having parents is that hahaha, I do not have to drag this misery along. I still do. Maybe I should not.

I think I have difficulty differentiation between me and the other. Looking forward to the medical intuition summit (see former post). Hope to find some answers to the funny skills I have there. 🙂 Not looking forward to it in a happy way. I have not felt happy for a long time, just relieved. I guess that is it: I am not happy that I quit, I am relieved that I quit. That is different. I need to get the happy back. 🙂 Shake off the unnecessary stuff. 🙂

Hope you are having a good day/night. Remember that even though life might get tough so here and there, it is infinitely better than self destructing by drinking and drugging.

xx, Feeling

Bewaren

But this is how I understand how it works

The former post ‘This is how I should have done it :-)’ is about the logical approach to the boss/work issue. If I had any control left I might have taken that approach. However, the below vid from Teal Swan on intermittent reinforcement explains to me exactly the DYNAMICS of the relationship with my boss and why I did not leave IMMEDIATELY when she said something like ‘Well, I usually give, well, anybody a chance at this so why not you.’ in the job interview.

This vid explains my relationship with my boss, well, frankly with any man in my life too. 😦 Now I understand how she does it. How I react, how wrong it is. Why it eats at me.

If ever you wonder why you can’t say NO to somebody, or why I did not do so earlier at my work ;-); here is the answer.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Watch Iron Man, get to be early. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Since I quit drinking information like this just pops up to help me along.

Hope you enjoy Teals work. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Dust settling and the function of dust

Came home from work today. Boss is on holiday for a week. This brings rest to the workplace but also a lot of disorganisation which, now I have my head cleared of my fear for her, becomes very obvious. It is irritating. Funny thing is that I immediately assume her role and start to organise the process. Not sure that I like this trait in me.

So, been a busy day, came home and I realised that  for me the work issue dust had settled. loneliness hit me like a, what, wrecking ball? So, is this what problems do for me?  “You take us away from the squalor of the real world”. I have, in my life, wondered about the function that stress has in my life. I really never do without so I wonder if I can. I, well, actually I think I am addicted to stress. Hmmm, that is as far as I would like to go now feeling/thinking wise. Ooh well, there is this: I think there is something in me which drives me to difficult situations where I recreate oppression and fighting. I think my usual recreation was fighting and losing and now I tried fighting and actually keeping my ground. NEW. 🙂 When writing this it feels like it is connected to my birth pattern where I was stuck for a long time in the first clinical stage of delivery. And then actually retracted from this position (medically impossible they say, but it happened) turned from a face-up delivery position to a normal face down position and got propelled out in 3 consecutive contractions. I have not given birth but I would assume this is not a nice way to ‘break in’ a birth canal. 😦 The idea with the being stuck in the phase 1 (BPM 2) that is imprinted in the person is ‘no way out’. I feel I have that. Always. Only an act of extreme power, like threatening death and destruction can get me into motion (BPM 3)  So if I get stuck I suddenly do something drastic, a life or death thing, and I ‘walk free’.

This is how I quit drinking. It will sound overly dramatic, I am not in short supply when it comes to drama, but I actually thought there could be a possibility that I die from delirium tremens. Not sure if that is logical at all, somewhere on the net there is this sentence which says ‘DT typically blabablbabla with alcoholics who drink 6 pints or more a day’. So, it was obvious I was going to die. Did not. Or maybe I did and all this is purgatory, heaven or hell. Who knows. Drama. Living on it. Feeding on it.

My nice female colleague is having troubles with the not so nice female collegue. I don’t like the not so nice girl either but boss told us to get along so I do. And otherwise the workfloor gets really yucky. My nice collegue has been screwed over Big Time by the not so nice collegue. If I were not in the situation I am in I would have intervened. Also: the running gag is that the nice guy and I are in love and the not so nice girl is after the nice guy. So whatever I say about the not so nice girl is being picked up as jealousy. Sometimes it is: we work our ass of and she gets away with just showing hers. She is the one who hides in the corner in order to be invisible and therefore ‘make more hours’. 😦

Well, long boring story longer: my nice female colleague is pissed. And walking a very dark path where she is almost continuously angry for weeks now. Everything that happens adds to her being pissed. No matter what I say, not matter how and how long I listen to her and try to help her sort her emotions; she is hell-bent on anger. What an eye opener.

My therapist said that if I thought I should learn to live with the situation at work and be at peace with it I should let go of the feeling of righteousness I have about what the boss does. I get stuck on ‘she is wrong, she is wrong so I am right.’ I see my colleague doing that now and it really is an eye opener. 🙂 I’m going to see if I can find an opening in her drama so she can let some steam off and maybe look at things in such a way that she does not have to go all destructive. Caution thought. Projections ahead. 😀

Above is what I wrote yesterday. Today, weekend day off I realise that I have been very much caught up in the boss-work-destruction drama for the last, what, 6 months? I noticed the last month that there were very few deep developments and very few NEW! statements in my blogs. Today I feel free again for the first time. OBVIOUSLY I need to put a damper on that freedom again by noticing how stupid I have been behaving ‘that I did not really see this before

Years ago I had a dream where I had born myself, so was pregnant and the baby was me too. 🙂 The dream ended with a vision of me walking about as a toddler where I had little black and white blocks in my body and whenever I stumbled these blocks would unailing immediately and disturb me very much. Today I thought: THAT IS ME! I AM THAT! I lose my balance so easily and while I was thinking that I am a sissy and not worth living in this world I realised that this ‘skill’ actually is a skill. That I, because of the balance thingy I have known VERY WELL what is evil and what not, where my boss goes of track attacking and degrading me and where she is a boss giving what feels good and sustainable and what not; what will make me drink and what not. Again: feeling my way back into life. I still really like that name. Using what I am best and worse at to live. 🙂

I wrote the above 20 minutes ago. Nah, I wish, I wrote it more than half an hour ago. In between I did useless things on Facebook which I can not even remember now. I need to get out of this addictive patterns. I’m going to clean the house. I will turn off the computer.

Add in: I once asked the ayahuasca spirit what I need to do with my life and she said; “The only thing you need to do is to become clear.” I took that as in: quit drinking. Then I quit drinking and I realised that I have an addictive personality so now I am trying to unraffle that. It is not going very quickly, gheghe, but the intent is there and I see light at the end of the tunnel ever so now and then. Which, gheghe, is so scary to me/the addict within (?) that I do step back in the dark quickly.

A woman who loves herself would step it up to really start making some differences in her life. This has been going on long enough. I am now free of worries weighing my down, I should use that freedom.

I am soooo happy that I quit. First: if I had not quit I would not be alive today. Not that I have been enjoying being alive very much lately but I do not think it is/was my goal to die  in the past years. And really, when all motivation fails me; the thought of having to do any of this over again in another reincarnation, pfff, no no no no no no NOOOOOO! 🙂 Secondly: I feel that with quitting I opened a door which was always closed. Like described in the birth pattern: the ‘thought behind’ my life is a continuous experience of being stuck and oppressed and me having to fight my way out or die. Quitting made it possible for me to experience an opening in that darkness which was mild and caring, not dark and fighting. Even though I do remember quitting as a do or die decision which, by the way, made it almost extraordinary easy for me to quit = nice! How darkness leads to light. Hmmm. Don’t wanna think anymore. Need to do and forget, let go, relax. Not everything is war. I am becoming sick and tired of the darkness that I look for / is engrained / I look for / is engrained / I look for.

Wishing you a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling

Long story short: Today I quit my job…. and got it back again.. (?)

Well, that about sums it up. In between there was an hour of yelling from me to my boss and my boss to me. I was fed up and got so so very fucking angry, there was no stopping. There were several points where I could have made a, well, possibly wiser, or more mature decision but I was so fed up that I did not want to do that.

What went down: there was a crisis in the place today. We were halfway through the day when somebody noticed that the shipping plan we fulfilling was not synchronised with the production plan of the day and not with the packaging plan. Normally these are all the same so that we produce, pack and label what we need to ship. Logical. Today somebody made a tiny but mistake with a big result and handed out the wrong shipping list so we had an unexplained huge shortage in one product and an immense overproduction in the other. It was only at noon (after 4 working hours) that somebody realised what had happened. Obviously the boss was very much stressed out because we work with fresh produce with a limited expiration date and the ordering of raw product is also according to the production list. Right before the weekend one does not ‘stock extra’ expirable stuff so it the shit hits the fan, it hits real hard.

Due to the constant issues and difficulties we were having the packaging team I work in was losing its interest and slowing down dramatically. I was thinking: ‘If we want to get out of this shit as good as we can AND still do the extra work which will be coming up later we really really need to get out of this mode.’ So I started joking around a little to change the atmosphere and at some point we got the spirit back and had a packing contest in who was the quickest. This was HILARIOUS. So we were having fun and working our ass of when the boss walks in and without pause says to me and me only: “YOU! SHUT UP AND WORK!!!”

I could not deal. I could not let it ‘slide off’. She walked off and so did I. Got into my civies and just when I was about to walk out she noticed and asked me where I was going. I said “I’m off.”

“What?! Why!!!!!!?!!!!”

“Because I have had enough of you and the way you treat me.”

“If you walk out now you do not have to come back on Monday!”

“Well, there is that settled than.” (pissed off, decisive, and I walked off)

“WHY?!!!!!!”

“BECAUSE I AM FED UP WITH YOU AND THE WAY YOU TREAT ME!!!! WHATEVER YOU SAY IS FUCKING DEMEANING, I SEE NO REASON TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO ANY OF THAT.”

“I AM IN A BIG SHIT HERE!”

“Yes.” (affirmative)

I was already unlocking my bike when she yelled after me “Give me back the uniform!” which I had, out of habit, put in my bag to wash at home. So I walked back, heavy chain lock in my hand, thought I should leave that outside because I did not want to look like I was threatening somebody, walked in and put my gear on the table and walked back to the exit. She asked: “So you are not coming back this Monday?”

“No.”

“I WANT THAT ON PAPER! YOU SIT HERE AND TYPE UP YOUR LETTER OF RESIGNATION!”

These dynamics, they are really strange. I had just quit and when I walked over I was wondering why I was doing what she ‘asked’.

So I typed that I resigned my job because I was ‘fed up with the demeaning behaviour of my boss.’ Literally. She got confused then required that I signed that. Wonder why. Guess she was trying to see how far I would carry this. Well, don’t ever dare the Don Quichotte in me :-/. I am not proud on how at that moment this is not a decision anymore, it is a biggest dickest contest. 😦 Well, I was done.

She mellowed down and required me to sign the paper which I was going to do so I followed her to the office. She required a talk which became a shouting match within 1 second. For those who do not know me: not ever in my life have I gotten myself into a fight with any partner I have lived with, not ever have I shouted as somebody untill I came to work here. I have always pre-emptively (is that a word?) made sure that people I had to work with could speak about any grudge they have/had with me by inviting them to speak out. Obviously something changed. I guess now I do not drink anymore I need to learn to deal. There is no way out anymore. Not sure if this whole thing was another way of self destructing or actually standing up for myself, in an extreme way.

We spoke, yelled. I told her I found behaviour sexually intimidating. She told me that the guys say worse sexual things to and about me behind my back (nice touch that last bit, she has done that before to make me feel unsure). I yelled at here that anything between me and the guys is horizontal, not vertical in the chain of command so that leaves it up to me to say back WHATEVER I like. I listed the things she has said to me and at first she denied, and I do think she really did not remember, but that only made me angrier and yell harder. Ghegheghe, this is so weird to look back upon. Wonder what you think when reading this. Wonder what I will think when reading this when the adrenaline is finally out of my body. It has been 7 hours since, my heartbeat is still unstable.

She kept on denying things and saying that I should have said so before and finally; “You are such a strong woman, why do I hear about this now, and not when it happened?” It was not a question, she was complimenting and then blaming me. So I told yelled that I was sick of these demeaning way of asking questions and that this is EXACTLY how intimidation works.

“Why did you not SAY anything?!!!!!!”

“Because that is how intimidation works!!!!!”

“But WHY did you not say anything?!!!”

“Because that is how intimidation works!!!!!!!! That is what happens when you call somebody a whore, when you ask after their first sexual experience at the first workday, when you speak about my privates calling them a wet mussel.”

“BUT WHY DID YOU NOT SAY ANYTHING?!!!”

“BECAUSE THAT IS HOW INTIMIDATION WORKS!!!!! PEOPLE STOP SAYING THINGS!!!!!!”

“But this is a horizontal organisation, I am not above somebody? You can tell me anything?!”

I did not give a reply to that. I had told her before that she is the boss. Funny how I hold back there. My therapist says that this is exactly her problem: she does not want to be ‘the boss’. Oooh, she actually literally said that;  “I am no boss.” She started crying over that. That was strange. It was actually really strange how I felt sorry for her at that moment. She told me about her worries for the company and for some of the employees having problems with their taxes or residence permit and how she helps them after work. Her notion is soooo out of reality. Like I’m going to fire her when she does not perform or sexually intimidates me. Pfffff…. As I said, my therapist says this is the heart of her problem where she does not want to be boss. I realised that I from the beginning have done a nasty thing and that is excluding her. Showing very much that she is not ‘in-crowd’. I did not realise that I did that but I do. Nasty revenge. I am not proud of that.

It is getting late and my heart is tired, I need to sleep. We ended up coming to an agreement that I can, at any time I think she is demeaning or intimidating stop the conversation and point that out to her. I never thought I could return in my steps but I believe this can work and that it is EXACTLY what I need to learn anyhow and hahaha, I might be her karma too. Ghegheghe. Dunno. Time will learn if we can keep this up.

For the record: she kept on saying that she did not order me to leave which I kept replying that I can very well leave on my own accord (MG, what a drama) and then she changed to that she did not want me to leave. That was strange. She said she likes me in the team, she say the guys like me in the team. At some point she also said that if the guys did not like me so much and did not appreciate the amount of work I do in a day she would have chucked me out long before. I forgot why. She thinks I fit in very well with the weird bunch of people who work there (yes, almost everybody is weird, true). She said the only issue she has with me is that I chatter too much and sometimes lose focus with counting and doing stuff. I do chatter, I don’t think she is irritated by the chatter as much as she is irritated by me doing that. And well, yes, I don’t drink, I don’t have a life and unlike her I am not on a diet so I am awake in the early morning.

We said goodbye, argued like cats and dogs again and finally hugged. Yes! And that was good. 🙂 How strange? Strange. I said goodbye to my colleagues and ‘See you on Monday.’ Everybody seemed very relieved that I come back.

I realise that I can only pull this off once. I believe her when she says she wants to learn. I also expect/think to know that in practice that will be difficult and different since this destructive behaviour is so engrained in her daily routine. She told me she actually believes this is how people in our line of work speak with each other. But I believed her intention. It is my intention to speak up and not flare up again. I must try to keep more level-headed. Whenever anything happens at work I feel like I am in my worst drunk PMS sugar high mode ever. Does anybody have that too?

Well, my nice colleague had gone back to my bike to lock it with the chain. Sweet. 🙂 I asked him to advise me on what to do, stay or leave. He gave me exactly the advice which made me flare up even more so that did not work. 🙂

3 Hours after I left she called to check up on me. She told me that she had spoken with the guys and told them what had come to pass and what my issues with her were. Not sure if I would appreciate if they say I think she is intimidating. We shall see. She was worried that I would worry the whole weekend. I do not think so. I had uncoupled (is that the right word?) so thoroughly that I would not fall for pretend nicety anymore so I would not have hugged if I did not think it was sincere. So, I guess I am ok-ish. Not proud of my anger flaring up. Very aware though of how necessary it is/was. Timing is nasty. I did tell her that I am aware that my timing for walking out sucked.

So, all that I did. What I did NOT do, and only found out later is that I did NOT tell her that I thought she tried to poison me with the alcohol. I did not tell her so because I did not want to let her see how vulnerable I was / am there. So yeah. First I though this was a bad thing, to let stuff untold when saying that you are saying everything. Now I think it is ok-ishlike. Well, actually, well, not sure.

There was a work-friend of my boss at the workplace when I unleashed. When I finally tore up my resignation letter she dropped her head on her laptop and said ‘Thank god!’ Not sure what it would be to her. It was strange. Boring detail. I only note this down for later reference.

My boss goes on holiday in a week. I had forgotten about that. When she started crying she also outed that she just wanted rest and rest and rest and wanted to go on holiday. I really felt for her there and then. Then again: I helped pay for it for putting 130% of work in an hour which she never seems to appreciate. Which I told her. Pffff. Sigh. Need to get this of my chest more than it is now because my heart is still fluttering. Could be from the halloumi cheese too. It was on sale so I have been eating that for 4 days now. Not that you are interested :-D.

One thing I do not understand is how she cried out in despair; “But you are older than I am?! How can you not say stuff?!” It is only now that I realise this. Funny in a not funny way. She really does not realise that she is the boss. Age does not matter there for me. Well, complicated, unless I follow my intentions. So, well, we will see. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would: not eat too much chocolate because her heart is already troubled. She would call her therapist to sort things out. She would call friends and speak with them. She would make tea for herself. She would write. And she would make very very sure not to self destruct. The last bit is still a bit difficult. My thoughts want to run to ‘You see; you are stupid! She has every right to be destructive’. Ooh, it is hard to write this down because part of me wants to believe it because it is my old track. I counter that thought with: she might like it to destruct but I do not like it to be subject of that so I WILL leave if she does that again.

By the way: when she realised that she had been calling me names and saying inappropriate stuff she was astonished and said she would take it up with her management to make sure this did not go unnoticed. I believe her intention. Not sure if she is going to fill it in.

Well, I am still a bit flabbergasted but ok-ish with what I did. Let’s see how tomorrow looks.

Hahah, hope you had a better workday than I did :-D. Wishing you a good sober weekend where you are happy that you quit. 🙂 I am happy that I quit but I feel like I am in the zone where I need to take care. I am afraid that the reminder of the alcohol taste in the cake of last week is part of that deal. Maybe I should set up an account for my alcohol desensitization course again. Yes. I will.

Today I wondered who I would call with my emergency call, I had been crying and could not see what I typed on the phone. When I put on my glasses I read ‘AA’. 🙂 Well, maybe that is a thought. Obviously somebody there will know how to deal with anger.

xx, Feeling.

Addition: Bwaahahaha, ‘Happy that I quit’ well, yes, that did only now hit home. Bwaahahahaaa. Arrrrr, ooh, control, looking for some.

Cake with cognac

Just got home from work. Not sure how I feel. My boss had been getting at me the whole morning and that was tough. I try to keep on thinking ‘how somebody behaves and what they do is their business, not mine. But it was difficult. Others told me she was pissed off with me for taking yesterday off. I told her it was about my mothers dying day anniversary. She had forgotten to note it down so when she arrived at work she was surprised that I was not present. Strange because they day before I has specifically told a colleague that I had the day off and she was standing next to me so, well, beats me.

Just before I left she came carrying a piece of cake sort of telling me to eat it ‘Have some cake! Have some cake! Here, come sit with me!’ I sort of joked something about E-numbers; trying to not have to eat the cake. “No, no, no E-numbers.” I had no clue what it was about. I thought she wanted to speak about stuff so I sat down. She kept on rambling and looking at me conspicuously while I ate the cake. I kept on thinking: something is very wrong but I can’t find what. There is something with the cake but I can’t well, I guess I thought ‘read it in the air’ because that is what I do if I don’t know stuff. But that is another subject. She kept on pushing the cake:  “Nice cake, not? Very nice cake.” I agreed. She kept on pushing;  “I specifically like the bottom. I specifically like the bottom” “Yeah, baked well.” I was wondering what it was all about until I got the last bite: “Does contain alcohol though. Did you not notice?” “No, I did not. Must have baked out.” I did not show any fright or concern, I already felt that she was trying to poison me, just did not know how yet. That I could not read in the air.

I went home, threw up. Cried. Started writing. Fucking bitch. She knows I do not take in any alcohol. I told her what I tell others: it makes me depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.

Obviously the alcohol baked out mostly. The cake was baked by a colleague, the crust was really thin and prebaked. He put it in his dough which is shortbread, you can’t really put a lot of alcohol in there and still keep it as short and crisp as it was so I guess quantity wise I am ‘safe’. I do feel like I overdosed on sugar. My mind is angry, looking for trouble. I am sad, feel like she wants to humiliate me, feeling the pain of that. I want to trash things, break things, kill myself just to get out of this world and this situation. But other than than I am fine. Which in itself is a funny sentence I guess.

She is a sadist and likes torturing women especially.

I find it difficult to leave because I can not seem to get my life in order to be able to do so. That must change. What would a woman who loves herself do? First I will allow myself to cry over this, no matter how hard most people say I should not let it get to me. It does get to me and I find it difficult that somebody can want to be so mean to me. What the fuck did I do to her? I always think that she feels threatened by my vulnerability. I am an open book. I can not lie very well. The looks of contempt she give me are difficult to deal with. 😦 I find it very difficult now. Cunt.

Well, sorry for my French. This is how it is today. 🙂 I’m going to read he comments on my 2 year sober post from yesterday now. Ghegheghe… I am so VERY VERY VERY happy this ‘incident’ did not happen 2 days ago. I think I would have been a whole lot more upset then. Now I somehow have the ‘I have 2 years booze free’ medal in my heart and mind. Which is good. I am happy that I quit. 🙂

Thank you for reading. Sorry for my French.

I am happy that I quit. Because because of quitting I know have an idea of how to deal with this. I have had a warning that alcohol is still a no-go area for me. I have been warned that my standard reaction to difficulty is still ‘I want to kill myself.’ Which, for anybody who is worried: I will not do. I will take extra care of me, ok, and an extra bag of chips, and start cleaning my house because that is what a woman who loves herself would do. She would deal with things, or at least try to learn to deal. Which is what I need to do. Write it out, cry about it. Try to differentiate between the other trying to put me down and me trying to put me down. See where I take over in this relay called beating up Feeling.

I am surprised, in a not funny way in how destructive I can be towards myself. In my behaviour, in the way I feel about myself, in the way I behave when with people. I can not find the word but it is amazing, without the good feelings of amazing to it. So much learning opportunity. So much not wanting to learn this because it hurt. I guess this is it: I NEED to take this step where I keep aware of what is going on because that is where the change is. If I don’t take a look at  this I will only find more bosses and people who will treat me like this. It is a karma thing, as long as I do not stand up for myself and learn to keep nasty people out of my energy, I will keep on being a target for others who feel like projecting their own issues on me. I need to let go of this poor-me approach but shit, why do I have to do the work when she is the bitch? 😀 Ghegheghe, that is a joke. And next to that I mean it. :-(. Ghegheghe…

On we go. I am happy that I quit. 🙂 ❤

I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

 

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. 🙂

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. 🙂 Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

On selflessness

NEW! Got a little, tiny, tiny insight into selflessness today. I was in bed, thinking about the book I am reading on the vanishing twin syndrome and how I feel/assume that this made me get into trouble with energetic barriers, with the natural and healthy opening and closing of chakra’s if you will. I practised with letting some guard down and then there was a WHOLE WORLD! 🙂 I practised staying in that awareness/openness for several minutes, trying to feel my way through opening and closing and watching all the natural reactions of fear and awe I was experiencing and muscles consequently tightening and loosening and tightening, getting into a knot and loosening again. Breath stopping and moving and stopping and changing in frequency and depth and place. It was very informative.

And now this evil spirit kicks in and says; “Very informative…. bwaahahaahaha, don’t think I’ll be going back there soon.” So obviously the threat is still larger than the perceived gain. But so, yeah, there is an outside world outside of me. Hi. 🙂

It was about time I guess to be recognising something of this. I keep on reading 12 step oriented posts and people speak of service to the community while I go like ‘Yeah, yeah’ and think ‘hell no!’ Which makes me conclude that obviouisly (!) I am not ‘there’ yet. 😀 Not sure how to continue. Guess I’ll be forgetting about this and then coming back to it when it becomes apparrent again like I have been doing every other development over the last 2 years minus 2 days.

I am happy that I quit. I feel like I am moving towards something new which in itself has no name yet but I can feel it coming. I am scared but feel that I need to be ready because change and growth is important now and with the concussion I have been standing still and feeling sorry for myself for too long.

A woman who loves herself would drink her night tea and go to bed. 🙂 It still is a lovely question to live by. Specifically because I answer it with my knowledge and therefor what I need to do is within my limit.

Ooh, noteworthy too: yesterday I admin-ed without issues. I did attack several chocolate bars in the days leading up to this moment but then I read the ISHA post of yesterday which I reposted in this blog and thought ‘stuff this, life is not about being scared of admin’. So I did it. 🙂

Hope you are having a good day/night/evening. Also specifically for those people who in the last weeks, months have disappeared from the blog world; please come back. Just start writing, you do not have to be perfect, you do not even have to push the publish button, just start writing. Sending love and hugs,

xx, Feeling