On intimacy and sex

Ha, I was curious as to why I was so enthusiastic about Esther Nicholson from the tapping conference yesterday. And… then I checked out the OTHER interview. Dealing with me going in denial here – but I DID listen to Alina Frank and Craig Weiner on Learning to Love: Healing the Legacy of Trauma to Create Physical and Emotional Intimacy.

It was difficult to hear. I go into freezing at the moment people speak about freezing. Thoughts of things that happened have been I don’t know, driven to the background more and more. They were very present before I quit drinking and the anger stayed on for a few months and then, I don’t know, my direction of thought and feeling changed and it was not important anymore for me at these times.

During my last 6 months I have made some discoveries about childhood and youth, will, issues. I discovered that I had this sense of foreboding in, as far as I can remember, every situation that I ever got harassed. As far as I can remember ‘harassment’ never came ‘out of the blue’ – not at age 18, not at age 4. But that doesn’t make it easier  to deal with because now I go from thinking I am stupid and bad because this happened to me to actually feeling responsible. And I KNOW that is not the whole truth but I did not take action on my intuition and that is something that has gotten me in trouble at all sorts of levels in all sorts of situations.

I also discovered that I have this energetic door that I slam into the face of any man I meet. And that this triggers aggression. I don’t want to go into that too deep now. Need my wits upon me. Wondering if I’m self-sabotaging my (hopefully) new job with falling back into well, unsolved issues. I learned in the last month that I am pretty ok with being overweight and having grey hair because it ‘keeps me safe’ from admirers. Yes, time for some feel good film on Netflix and sleep. No dwelling on the past. Sign some contracts first, focus on a new job.

I will put in one extra paragraph on sex. If you know me in real life you might want to skip this one…. I have experienced almost a total lack of sex-drive since I quit drinking and fantasies that would normally stimulate me now look awful and inappropriate. (Yes this paragraph is about single-sex in case you wondered 😉 ) Also having sexual fantasies about actual people is something that I suddenly feel is very inappropriate ‘through-the-air-energy’ wise. Yeah, sounds funny, I know, but it is one of those psychological/physical changes that I find, well, strange – before I quit I would not have guessed that this would be part of it. It’s good, I guess, but a little funny to feel like I redefine sexuality at age 45. Having said so, I am guessing that nasty sexual experiences are a very big part of my drinking history so maybe it is actually the first thing I should have expected to change. Hmmm…. Shall I put ‘sex’ in the tags? I’ll dress it up a little. 🙂 The thought of sober sex is something that scares me and on the other side feels interesting. But I don’t have to worry about it because I lack a guy. And… seeing what is changing in me currently I am more and more convinced that it is indeed not wise to even think of starting a relation in the first year of recovery.

For those who know me in RL you can continue reading here:

I am happy that I quit although I could do with some serious tea.

I need: to keep my wits about me and not self-sabotage.

I want: the whole world to explode (sorry) where I am the only one who survives (sorry, again). I guess I need to take care of me. It’s amazing how quickly memories of events that I have experienced as destructive turn into big destructive feelings towards well, everything and everybody (triple sorry). Everything was fine yesterday. I need to Netflix, bathe, sleep.

Have a nice evening / day / morning! I promise you I will not blow up the world :-D. Just Netflix, bath, sleep. And sorry for you from the NSA having to read this blog now because somebody anonymously typed about blowing up the world: these are not code words. Just expressions of destructive feelings. 🙂 Trust me. 😀

xx, Feeling

Skin

Tired. Gone to bed too late the last days. Today was beautiful weather so I went to the sauna to cash in my last cheap ticket. And maybe this post should be called ´phyisical changes´ aswel. Normally I can sit in the sauna for up to half an hour and get out, not because I am hot but more because I lack oxygen. Today I was in a sauna ritual and had to leave early otherwise I would have fainted. It took me about half an hour to get back on my feet again and feel ´normal´. I was thinking today, maybe my parents should not have given me a name that actually means ‘alien’. Maybe I would not worry about being normal so much.

I am guessing the almost fainting has to do with the changes I noticed in my skin. My skin normally is thick and dense and only at my hands you can pick up ´skin´ the rest of my body feels like cheeks do or thicker. Everywhere. I think it has to do with my aggression towards the outer world or my wish to lock others out. There is one advantage to this skin type because no matter how fat I get, I still keep shape. Well, now it has changed and my skin has become more like other people’s skin. Which results in my breast dropping 4cm by now. 😦 I think the skin density change also has an effect on my blood pressure that has lowered. Whatever. I almost fainted because suddenly the heat could get to me. That´s new. :-). The guy that helped me said: ‘Take it easy, you want things too quickly’. And I thought: ‘Why, now really why do I keep hearing that from everybody lately?!’ If somebody else would say that I would say they are in denial :-). Not me…!! I am never in denial. :-D. Ghegheghe. My father used to say things like that. But he meant it.

Also my hands have changed: I can put my hands in prayer position and for the first time in eons I the fingers and palms actually touch. Never knew that could happen. I guess I am retaining less water between the knuckles. All these changes still going on. Cool :-).

On the elderly blond god. Heard from the lady at the desk that he got fired last week. A word flashed by in my brain at that moment, it said ‘cocaine’. No matter if he has / is, if this is what my brain picks up or makes up I should take care not to mix. Ha! As a real alcohol addict of course I think that cocaine is soooooo very dangerous. Well, I think it it. Cocaine causes funny power issues, he had a few of those. Why do I only see that afterwards? Probably because I am attracted to men with power issues.  It’s too early to pursue romantic love anyway. Still haven’t found my sober legs fully. They are there, and I walk, but I have only walked the clear grounds, done the easy bits. Which is good. I think it is a good decision to practise unstable legs on easy grounds. But still.

Today is dias de las muertos. The veil will be very thin. Maybe my mom comes along to say hi in my dreams. Don’t know. Miss her like crazy, want to tell her that I finally got sober but in my mind she is still berating me for being addicted. And even worst for squandering her inheritance on a project that did not work because I never put my back into it fully because I drank. Not sure if I am projecting that or if its ‘true’ – as far as dead people can have opinions on earthly matters. Sometimes it feels like all the hurt of her leaving has to be processed again. Could very well be because my drinking really got serious after she died.

Being sober. Being sober is not the issue. The issue is the shit that turns up that makes me want to drink. 😉 No, I don’t want to drink. I read this line the other day: ‘There is not one problem that can not be made worst by alcohol.’ Or something along those lines. I am guessing that is very, very true. I’ve got enough issues. Don’t need alcohol to add to that.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you have made it to here in just one other post that jumps from subject to subject. I would like to thank you for reading my post and showing interest in my road, for commenting and liking and also for blogging your experiences. All if it is wonderful and I would not be here, sober, now if you would not have been here. Thank you. 🙂

Happy hugs from Holland, Feeling.

The trunk of the tree where the magic happens

New books are in. Bummer, just when I wanted to start doing things….. 😀

I got:

Seven weeks to sobriety – the proven program to fight alcoholism through nutrition. From Joan Larson. Hoping to find an answer to why I don’t have cravings while most other bloggers that I know do have these. Also they promise to repair the brain part that causes addiction. I am very, very curious. I think there might be some truth in a physical cause of addiction because e.g. the book of Nakken describes my addiction correctly word for word. I am wondering, how can this process be the same in everybody if there is not a physical cause (too)? Very curious.

And I do wonder, if I believe what she says, would I start drinking again and just eat healthy? No, but I’d love to try the recipe with a drinker that does not think he should stop. That would not be blind of course but still. Or, if possible, try it in an elderly home and see the effects. Or reverse the recipe, sell it to bars and get rich.

The postman also brought: Food of the Gods – the search for the original tree of knowledge, a radical history of plants, drugs and human evolution’ by Terence McKenna. It is about altered states of consciousness and our fascination for it. Also it speaks of a tree of knowledge -that I must Google-  and I once had a dream of a immensely large tree that was my life, my history, my family and I flew around it and through it and really wanted to be close to the trunk but I could not because there were 50 or more empty liquor bottles laying at the ground around the stem. They were keeping me from reaching the trunk of the tree where the family, the tribe, the magic, transformation, love, wisdom, understanding, peace, ‘the universe and all’ was.

Somebody I know said: it tells you that you need to quit drinking if you want to get there. I did believe that, but I did not want to. I explained it away in my head saying ‘I don’t drink liquor, I only drink beer, these bottles are not my bottles so the message is not for me.’ This must have been about 15 to 13 years ago. Should I draw up the tag ‘denial’? I could have done that before but I was in denial about the denial.