On menstruation and periods – Teal Swan

Hello,

I found this a video worth sharing. Due to the ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ and hygiene you will not find me donating my menstruation blood to a vegetable garden but all other I am quite ok with. 🙂 But most of all she verbs what I have been searching for all my life: the idea behind menstruation and internal energy. And I know for a personal fact that getting moon ‘light’ actually changes stuff internally.

Teal Swan is an acquired taste but I like her very much for what I have seen of her. She is the woman who invented ‘What would a woman who loves herself do.’ So how could I not like her?

If you have difficulty watching her, what I had the first time I saw her, try to see if the way she shaped her eyebrows bothers you. They are (sorry, seem to be) not congruent with her, (to me) that is misleading. Not sure if it is on purpose or a left over of her modelling times.

Whatever. She has a way of wording things which I like and I hold her in high regard for finding her way in this world.

Hope it brings you something. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Wow! I see on the calender that it is the 25th again so counting back I am 2 years and 10 months sober.

A woman who loves herself would put on socks (still an issue) and she would work out how to quit binge eating. I am getting out of control. Saw some photo’s of me and I have gone too far. I weigh 82 kilo’s again at length 1.65 so that is too much. I have weighed 48 at this length too. Which obviously was too little but just to show it it possible too without falling apart. I always seem to weigh at least 15 kilo more on a photo than I think I weigh. 🙂 I seriously think I have reversed body-dysmorphia. 🙂 Which is a BS description of it because the term itself says dysmorphia so there is no forward or reversed version of it but I guess you know what I mean: I think I am fabulous but as a matter of fact I am pretty overweight.

Note: from here on I move over to rambling, not writing. Wanna let the darkness out, see what it does. See what I do when I let go. Discover my intentions.

My food has gone out of control because my joblife has been too taxing in the last year. It is about this time last year that I had the concussion and that my former boss started getting downright nasty. I have been in stress about work ever since. I make about twice as much money now which makes it easier not to have financial stress. That is good.

What it comes down to is that I have an addictive personality; I want out but take the wrong way. I want to not feel, and I mistreat my body with sugar to stay quiet. I am waiting for some insight to change all this. Like with alcohol; in hindsight I did not have to do a lot for that, I just read a book, did some online training and quit on the insight that alcohol is bad (mkay?).

I feel that all my determination is reserved for not drinking, that I can not do anything else with the same resolve, not even working. And in between I keep on gathering information to answer all the 10.001 questions I have about life and work and I do not read more that 10 – 20 pages of one book. Can’t focus, don’t want to be still. Monkey brain running. At work I can better, but sometimes not either. I’m gonna take my egg-timer to work. I’m gonna use my egg-timer to do anything and remind me of:

• focus
• what would a woman who loves herself do?
• how do I treat my body right now?

That should be enough to ponder on for the oncoming years. 🙂 I noticed in the last months that a women who loves herself would drown herself in chocolate because reality was too difficult. But it is really getting to me now.

I need to change and I seem to not be able to do it. I had added the word ‘alone’ to it and then I deleted that. 😀 Gheghegheghe… still can’t go there.

What do I think I need to lose weight / to stop binge eating chocolate?  (and dates btw)

Edit: the below answer comes from the deep. Maybe it is only today, maybe this is how I think about the world for real. Not sure. Will find out in the future I guess. It is weird. Even for me to ‘hear’ this.

I want the world to be different. Totally. I find this world stupid and it is in the way of what I want. (Whoah! How about talking with the inner demon?). The world frustrates me and is in the way of what I want. Most people are. (WTF?!) I can not let my energy out, everything keeps on getting blocked. I keep on being put on an energetic sidetrack. There is this path and it goes straight from my core to what I am and where I need to be and I keep on getting blocked. I keep on getting side tracked. I keep on side tracking myself. I do not take that road as serious as I now think it is. I keep wasting my time. To walk that road is to walk in my destiny but I do not dare to because the powers there are BIG. Or maybe I just need to  get to the center of the storm.

I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be whole. I have the right to make myself whole. I have the right to be me. I have the right to be me inclusive of all the weirdness that I have, that I am. I do not think I am more weird than other people, I just think other people do not (dare to) know it of themselves. I am brave.

So how come I am so not brave when it comes to food? How come I panick and have difficulty to write about it. Actually I am not writing, I am rambling and seeing what shows up. Letting the tantrum out to see what lies underneath.

I have a feeling overload now and my reaction to it is to go buy stuff. I have long suspected that I have a buy-addiction but I sort of manage it by buying tiny stuff like matches if I do not feel satisfied with the normal groceries. I also buy and collect books. This week was an all times high: I bought a historic book on practices and products which were related to my consultancy job (from 5 year-ish ago) but I would not even have bought then because of no use now to me. I just bought it because it is historic and therefore has value. To someone, somewhere. I just want to have it.

I tend to want to collect information before I act. But I never finish.

My eyes see a card on the wall, it has a text and says: “Whenever you got all your ducks in a row, beware of the domino effect.”  🙂

Ghegheghe, monkey mind taking me away from what was. I was overwhelmed by the megalomanious answer of the what, obstructed toddler in me? Not sure where that answer came from. Feels true 😀 but it is not always around. Going to full rambling now.

I have been thinking that I should re-read ‘Kicking the drink easily’ and put the word ‘sugar’ where it says alcohol. Does sort of the same for me anyhow. I’ve been thinking all kinds of stuff but not wanting to pursue. I do not want to do difficult stuff anymore. I feel I have been doing enough difficult stuff in the last years. But I also feel I am trapping myself in addiction again and again and again. If not with food, it is with Netflixing, if not with Netflixing it is with falling in love with yet another person who does not answer. And most of the time I do all 3 at the same time. Ooh, and I include berating myself. And overfeeling. Feelings are indications. Feelings are tools. Feelings are not meant to blow me away continuously. But I’m not living by that. I let everything happen. I have gon lazy. Or tired. Not sure. Overwhelmed for sure but I am not picking it back up. My boss needs me to go pick it back up.

I need me to go pick me back up. I want to live consciously. I do not want to be thrown about by addictive behaviour. I want to continue my path. Not stall in just another chocolaty corner I found to hide in. Another Lala-land, another Candy land.

I believe at one stage in this blog I told you about the Ayahyasca experience I did years ago. While being under the influence of this (natural) drug I had this vision of a city made of man-sized candy. It started of with a kaleidoscope of the brands of Coca-cola and McDonalds and I was SO OFFENDED that this took place in MY head. In hindsight it is pretty cool to realise that the brain can in fact produce a perfect, perfect, moving kaleidoscopic movie of 2 brands both of which I would not be able to draw with my conscious mind but my drug induced brain turned it into perfection. F! I was mad. Obviously both the sugar village and the coke and McD where metaphors for my drinking then. Or possibly my binge eating now. 🙂 When looking at the above picture of sugar land I feel nauseous. And still: that is what I do to myself. Again and again and again.

And I do not want to wake up. Or possibly I am struggling to wake up. Hmmm,  more like it: I do not want to realise that I am struggling. That would mean that I do not have control. Aah…. haha, trap. Admit that we are powerless. 🙂

As you might know I never did a 12 steps thing. I do find it interesting that a lot of my endeavours entail the same experiences / learning things as a 12 steps process but not necessarily in the same order. When quitting alcohol I had troubles with the admitting that I was powerless over alcohol. I think I am close to realising that now. In order to deal with it I changed it into: “I am powerless when alcohol is in my body which is why I need to make sure that it does not get there.” There is also another trick to that: whenever I keep it out, I do not have to admit that I am in fact powerless. So as a matter of fact it is a pride thing which keeps me sober. 😀 My fear of having to go to AA is and admitting that I am powerless is so big that I stay sober. Ghegheghe, whatever way works. 😀 (But yeah, this attitude does not sound sustainable I would say. Pride and shame never are – but it is not only that, it is also that I want to be done with the moaning and the destruction.)

Yeah, that is it. I want to be done with the moaning. I use moaning, confusion, addiction as means to not be. To not stand in my power. I am afraid of me when clear. I am afraid of really seeing. It is overwhelming. So I sabotage me.  I am done.

Gonna do something with my life. I am sooooo sick of sabotaging me. Blegh. I’m gonna have a shower, put on some socks, do some healthy shopping.

See you later.

I am happy that I quit. And if you are still reading this rambling text (hurrah for your perseverance!) I hope you are happy that you quit too! 🙂 No matter the obstacles I put in my way, it is worth it because now I can learn that I do that. When drinking I did not learn a lot. Not learning is killing. Choosing life is good and it is rewarded. Ha! That makes it easier. Choosing destruction is not so good, and it gets answered too. Which makes it nasty. Which is just a warning. 🙂 That’s how simple it is. I think. Need to go put that into action. 🙂

Thank you for reading. 🙂 Hope it brings you something too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Reasons not to take care of myself

I have been wanting to think about self-care – and specifically why I do not do that much. Obviously I have been taken up by work life and sugar-Netflix addiction that this never happens. However, the internet helps me a little.

Warning: this worked out to be a pretty weird post. But hey, this is the flavor of the dish ;-). I invite you down the rabbithole. 🙂

Somewhere in the last 32 months of not drinking I asked myself ‘Why do I dislike myself?’ and the answer from within was: “If you disapprove of yourself, you do at least something well.”

Finding out that I was wired in such a way was shocking and sad. But while I am writing this I realise that I need to not have opinions on what happens. What is left is the information that I seem to think that I only have the right to exist when I dislike myself. Self-destruction is not far from that. Actually, according to this thought, self-destruction is actually the way to retrieve the right to exist. When writing this, my mind and body go through a series of emotional happenings, flashbacks, which, I guess, are related to the moments in which I shaped this destructive opinion of my existence. It is a series of several memories of happenings in my life in which I ‘allowed’ the destructive energy of others ‘in’.  Not sure those are the right words because it feels more like being overwhelmed by the anger and dislike of the other. The person who ‘told me so’ was important and in order to survive in the setting / social structure I made this thinking my own – just to be liked, to fit in, to be worthy of love.

And in order to reverse this imprint / openness to destruction I need to become very anti-social and cut loose from the importance of being liked, being ‘loved’ and internally say: not on these conditions.

There are people who think and say I ‘overthink’. I can not imagine how that would be, if that is true. Obviously there is something there because I feel threatened when being told so. I try to work out what not thinking would be like, come up with the word ‘underthink’. I do think ‘The whole world’  underthinks eventhough I have not clue what overthink would be. So, well, the subject is loaded with tension – but I don’t know more that than.

I do not think I overthink. I think I overtalk. I put words to what is happening in my body and mix up feelings with thoughts but put them both into writing as if they were thoughts.

When writing about being overwhelmed I find myself in my body with a large, dominating, female energy hovering over me on the left side of my body. The energy of the person totally breaks through all that I call my core, which has been gone for a long time, only the memories of that core and what I could call ‘my own’ or ‘me’ have long gone. My energy is all disconnected because the core has been dislocated, scattered with the strength of the other. Things don’t flow anymore. When feeling through the energetic memory I can feel live in my pelvis area but when following the direction of that energy upwards there is none – the way up is damaged. What I would call my ‘core’; where the lines of energy going up, looking to be born in the higher realms, stops in my belly and and pieces of the core are scattered through the right side of my body, well, actually in the liver area, they go around my heart in the right side of my upper body and try to meet back at the throat chakra. I guess that is why I overtalk: loads of energy not channeled well. Also, energy coming from above, from ‘the universe’ if you will, does not get sorted out because there is no link to the earth.

Well, all of this sounds as strange to me as it might sound to you; because I describe what I feel/think how it works.

Trying some practice now, just to see what happens: I try to forcefully put back the shattered pieces in my core. Ok, force is not good, does not feel good. Now I invite the pieces. Aah, now I cry. 🙂 I want to not feel this. I think I will get ill if I do not repair this broken core. I also think I will be afraid of what I can do and the power of life if I do repair it. I feel unskilled in the magic of it all and overwhelmed by the notion of the power which (I assume) lies within.

I think it is important that my core energy transportation channels of which one come from down under and goes up, and the other comes from above and goes down, or should go down are healed. Whatever.

And now I come to think of it: there is a difference between the core (the observer without opionion) and the energy channels; the channels are the tools.

Who am I? I think I exist of different parts. I think there is something which can be described with the words ‘eternal, observer, part of the Universe, in communication with the Universe’ and my physical body which concists of molecules but there is something inbetween too: that what keeps it all together.

We are biological (in the sense of nature like) and we are culturally inclined. Culture is there to overrule the bio thingies when they get out of hand. To organise society, to organise group. To give boundaries to what is given.

And I lost it. 🙂 Strange mode I can not get back into to understand wtf. Sigh. One day I will work it out.

At the moment I write this it is a day later. I do not really get what I wrote above but I DO feel that I have the right to happiness. And not ‘because I quit’ – not because I have done something for it, but just because I exist. I am guessing the practise of aligning my inner core has to do with the flow of that happiness / life energy.

Here is a list of reasons not to take care of self which I found on the web. Many thanks to Dr William Bloom for listing this and writing the article.

WHY I DON’T SELF-CARE

• Can’t break old habits
• New behaviour to learn
• It wasn’t in my training or education
• Its embarrassing and awkward to care for myself
• There’s an internalised authority figure judging me for appearing soft and narcissistic
• I pretend there is not enough time
• Am frightened to look at what might be wrong
• Am addicted to the role of stoic hero and healer
• Am scared of feeling my feelings – I would get too emotional or overwhelmed
• Lazy and lack discipline
• Am depressed and have no energy or motivation

I would like to add: I got myself addicted. I lived in a world where overwhelm was often the emotion of the day. It could be because I could not deal, or because the surroundings were too stressful. I do no know. I choose the way out which I thought would save me from the (perceived?) missery I found myself in. It did not work. Now I need to undo the damage I did to me. Work in progress. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Quitting is a prerequisite for undoing the damage. When drinking I was continuously afraid of the truth, my truth. Now I have learned not to drink and not to mind not drinking I am slowly returning to what I assume is my true self. I feel better there, much more at peace. No matter what happens: when I am honest with me, I am ok. Money or not, work or not, I can look myself in the eye when being honest. Or gheghe, my version of honest because obviously / most probably there are still things I prefer to hide even from myself. 🙂 Here is a list:

• I have lumps in my breasts and stiffness in my left arm and on my left chest. It feels like it is some kind of swelling. And no, I will not be going to a doctor untill I can face it. I can not.
• My bloodpressure has been around 170 the last 6 months. Only now it is lowering now I work less. And lowering quickly btw. I’m thinking I am between 140 and 150 now on a daily base.
• In the last months I have lost 4 tiny fillings of my teeth. I am thinking it is because of acidity caused by sugar / lemon juice water. I don’t want to go back to my last dentist because he is a butcher. I need to go back to the one I had for 25 years but he’s far away and has a new customer stop. My teeth are in bad shape.
• I am overweight, put on about 4-5 kilo’s in the last 1,5 month and I feel bad about that. It is time I start slimming down but I cannot find the entry. Am looking though.
• I am lonely and I think no man will ever like me because I am strange, blunt, uncharming, grey and fat. It makes me feel like a loser. I also realise I would not be able to live in a relation and do the internal work that I do. So it is not all bad.
• I think the menopauze might be starting in me. The other day I had a hot flash and I felt this loss of well, reproduction energy, liveliness if you will and it looked like my body was angrily fighting against it. Sort of trying to fight the autumn. 🙂 I let go. Obviously this is it, menopauze. Or not. Maybe it was the ginger tea. 😉
• My house is a mess, I have cleaned it but my living room is still a (work)shop with machines and goods from my former jobs.
• I have thousands of euro’s of old cloth (worth nothing) which I can not wear anymore because ‘too fat’. And by the time I get to fit them they are badly out of fashion. But I can not give the cloth away. Have not opened the cabinets for 4 years.

I am guessing this is about it. It actually feels good to get this off my chest. 🙂

So, another pretty weird post from Feelingmywaybackintolife but I guess when that is the motto, the result will be sort of ‘going everywhere’.

Wishing you a nice sober day.

I am happy that I quit. A woman who loves herself would turn off the computer and go to bed slowly. It was 50 degrees on my balcony and 42 (Celcius!!!) in the house. I am pretty warm. 🙂 No spellcheck.

xx, Feeling

Hey, I’m happy!

Results of the audit came in this week. We got a 97% score. Me happy. Now I can sort of rest, settle down. You can not imagine the relaxation that spread through my body (is spread the correct word?). Whoah. Me. Happy. I can say ‘I did not know that I was so tense’ but I did know, I was ‘just’ in denial of it.

Now it is time to clean the house.  A woman who loves herself would wear socks because she has cold feet.

Last night, warm Friday night I biked through the center of Amsterdam The city is loaded with stoned and/or drunken youth and tourist. Normally I detest the energetic stench that comes of, well I still do. But  I was happy that I quit, that I did not ‘have to do that’ anymore. That the compulsion to long for that total whipe out had gone. There are so many different levels and angels to addiction. That keeps surprising me. I never knew how badly I longed for destruction of me. Longed for what is sacred not to exist. ‘Because it was broken, hurting badly and disappointing anyway.’ Last night I realised that I had freed myself from that longing to destruct by drinking. I destruct other ways, but the drinking is gone. That is good.

It is a long way back. I guess it is my life’s journey. 🙂 And right now I need to learn to stay relaxed and clean the house (after 6 months of vacuming only once or twice. Yes, Yuck. One of the ‘perks’ of living alone. 😀

I wonder when I will learn to and have a life and have a job. Guess that will take a while. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober weekend.

A woman who loves herself will now put on socks! And clean the house while enjoying it. and enjoying every step she does, not fretting about what she did not do.

I am happy that I quit. I am have developed freedom through that and that is good. I prefer it over enslavement. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Drowning versus ‘Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.’

I don’t want to write this but I guess I should. I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to realise but I have become powerless over my sugar, food and Netflix addiction. ‘Due to’ (? can I say that?) the stress of the last months I over-ate and now my blood pressure is higher than it has ever been and I have a constant headache if I am not eating chocolate. Guess the caffeine/sugar addiction has kicked in. Then, when I do eat too much chocolate I get a headache and heart palpitations as well. And did I say panick attacks? In order not to notice I zone out with Netflix.

I re-read the post of yesterday. Awful arrogant piece of writing mixed with some confused nonsense. Nasty arrogance. We have a saying ‘pride comes for the fall’ and that is what is happening right now.

All of these not drinking days I have stated that being happy that I quit has saved me. And I am not happy anymore. Have not been for a long time. Not good. I can not be happy anymore. Just in general I have been so stressed out that I am not content with stuff anymore. It has always been an issue with me, not content easily, perfectionism but now I can not find where I am at ease anymore. A woman who loves herself at this moment would kill herself so it is all over. No, not going to do that but that is the thought that pops up at first. Thinking thoughts like that are indicative of my state.

The place where I got hit over the head last year is hurting like crazy. I have this stone on my chest, difficulty breathing, feel full (am full) and tired. Since yesterday I am tired.

Still the Universe is helping me, sending me a video on the subject of Relapse. It is about 20 minutes which I would rather spend on just another episode of something on Netflix but I did not. It this case not watching would be like spitting Providence in the face, not? I find that Teal takes a little getting used to, she is an acquired taste but I like her. The ‘What would a woman who loved herself do?’ comes from her.

What I picked up is that I need to do the work I don’t want to do; love myself and take action to care for me. I realise that I do not actually have the ability to focus well but that was a good start. Then I slept 4 hours, came back refreshed. Stepped into my old habit of watching Netflix to find that I do not really like the feel it gives me. But obviously I continue. Then returned to WordPress. Thank Mikeykjr for his comment, even though I would wish it differently it is comforting to hear I am not the only one who does not have her ducks in a row (yet).

As with anything: today is the beginning of the rest of my life. No matter what, I can always start over again. I will always have myself. This is something I found years ago in a moment of deep despair;  I will always have myself, no matter what. Now I learnt this comes with a disclaimer: if I listen to me, that is when I will always have myself. It is a disconnected spot to go to but it beats the loneliness of wanting and it takes me away from despair. 🙂

I am happy that I quit in a sad way because I realise now that I have not been happy or relaxed for a long time. I need to put myself first otherwise this path I am walking on will bring me to bad places. I had not even made my bed. That is the first time in 1013 days. Not good. Making my bed in the morning and therewith setting my intention of living sober has been the thing I have done for 1013 days but not yesterday. Not good. It is a sign.

I am off to bed. First I will make the bed. I wish you a good new start of the week. Do what a woman (man) who loves herself (himself) would do.

I hope someday I have the power to quit sugar because by now it is taking me everywhere. It used to be so easy – when I drank. Yesterdays post was written on 1,5 bar of 72% dark chocolate – that is where it gets me. And I want to not write this down because I think I can feel anybody reading this frown and think I am moaning – bwaahaha, obviously I am moaning, as well. It is also true that in my body, having unstable blood sugar levels, I can not deal with as much as other people. And I can not break the addiction (yet?). Like then I am doing exactly nothing to actually make a change. Sitting, being depressed, thinking I can not change anything and fearing that I will be repeating the same stupid behaviour. Thinking it will all be too difficult. Thinking I will fail anyhow so no need to start. And with that I diminish all the good and happiness it brings me to work on me and be clear. The way I use sugar is to dim my mind and feelings. A bar of chocolate gives me about the same numbing result as 2-3 beers. Depending on what else I have eaten.

I have difficulty writing about this because I keep on sensing (projected?) irritation. Do you, when you write, keep stuff out because you think people might think it irritating? I don’t want to do this because addiction happens there where people start having  trouble, start wanting to hide stuff.

I need to take care of me. I will always have myself.

Happy that I quit though I can’t say it is easy to live with the consequences of feeling stuff again. Then again, the consequences of not quitting would be awful.

xx, Feeling

Day 1014

I read Wendy’s (hi!) post and realised I had forgotten day 1000. Not sure if it really means something to me but I thought it would be a good reason to write. Which I did a week ago, and a week before that, but I never posted. Did not feel right.

The new contract negotiations went well-ish. Got a 16% raise which I guess is good but it is less than I think i should earn. However, I am content with this. More would have been better but I’m making about twice as much as last year so… guess I should not be complaining. And then I spent a weekend in my hometown with my brother and SIL and kids and realised that I need to take care of me so I diminished the contract with 4 hours so I have a 4 day job now! I think that will be a good way to force me to start to take better care of me. First few weeks will be 5 days probably. If I get it… funny. I still do not believe stuff until it is money in the bank. People are starting to notice that I do not trust nor have hope.

When I work less I want to live, read and cook more. Up to a few weeks ago I woke up at 5:30, be at work at 6:45 / 7:00, work till 18:00  – 19:00, go home, get groceries, eat chocolate, cook, watch Netflix go to bed at 22:00 max. I need to catch up on the extra hours I made so yesterday I started at 6:00 but went home at 12:00! Yay! It is strange. All I can do is sit and Netflix. It is not that I do not have the physical energy. Nothing wrong there. I just do not have the emotional or whatever energy to think of doing stuff. And if I do I don’t feel like it because ‘too much hassle’. When I explained that to my brother he said: watch out for a burnout. Which I guess is true. Hence the 4 days work. 🙂

Oh yeah, the strange stuff is happening again. Before the contract negotiations started I asked my collegues what they thought I could improve. This ranged from ‘relax’ to ‘stop being a perfectionist’  to ‘stop meddling!!!’. The next day these were EXACTLY the words my boss used in the contract negotiations. Guess it is becoming obvious. 🙂 It is a two faced situation: the job I have is one which meddles with all the processes in the company but on the other hand…. I also meddle when I don’t have to.

So the next day…. I spoke with my therapist. It took him 5 minutes to get to the point so for the rest of the 1:55 we spoke on perfectionism and meddling (F!) and well, things. It was good. 🙂 Day after somebody asked me to look stuff up in the bible because I know my way around, guess more than most, and when I open the book I read something like: beware of murderers, villains and meddlers. THANK YOU! 🙂 How could it not be the first thing I read in the bible in a year?

It is a year ago I got the blow to the head and the concussion. I still feel like there is a hole in my brain the size of a chicken egg and I can not lay on my left side because that causes an instant headache and weird feeling. Guess in due time it will pass. I still have moments where my brain goes blank but I think that’s more of a suger low thing than a post concussion thing.

Also almost a year ago my friend died. His wife, my friend, is going through an awful time and I feel I need to support her but I am so stressed out through work that I have no energy what-so-ever to be supportive. This is another reason why I think working less would be good for me.

I am currently 47-ish, I hope to have a stable job in which I am happy before I turn 50. It just worked out that people after age 55 have a 3% change of getting a job once they get unemployed. That is horrid! Well, I have enough knowledge to start my own company again but still. Horrid! It scares me because I know I am not good in settling in a company and staying there. So I spoke with my boss that I need to learn to settle in a company and that I would like to do it here. It was a weird conversation. I told him I am somebody who goes all in and head first and that he has seen that and profited from that, but that I have troubles with realising that I am ‘stuck’ somewhere. It has a reason that I have been proposed to 5 times in life and I never married. And that working less would help me deal with that. We spoke about ‘the nature of the animal inside’. 🙂  I guess it might sound strange to others when reading this. The nature of the animal inside is also that I overshare. Well, he is strange too. Check out this.

Boss, seated next to his utterly strange wife (she IS weird, she outdoes me in being weird, really) complains: “Why are there so many strange people working in this company? Why can I not have a normal staff?”

“Well, it is my not so humble opinion that if you are surrounded by weird people, you obviously in one way or the other are attracted to them.”

“No-no-no-no-noooo….”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 😀 I mean, look at whom you married? I don’t really think people come actually come any stranger.” (yes, this is me telling my boss in front of his wife that his wife is strange in her pressence – it is her unique selling point)

He checks his wife, she sits there, beaming at him and me awaiting this conversation to unfold itself. It sort of looks like she has found this trick where she lets me say things she often has told her husband but he does not want to believe from her.

“To continue my not so humble opinion I think you yourself have an issue with your unexpressed strangeness and seek to work it out through others. Which is why you are attracted to weirdness and find a partner and employees who do this for you.”

His wife is now folded over the table with laughter saying; “Yes.” And he looks sheepishly, caught and ganged up upon. A second later there 2 weird women where looking at him, both purposely pretending to be stone faced and unyielding: Go face your own darkness. Yes! You! Bwaaaahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!

While writing this I go back and forth between Facebook and this page and I realise that I walk alround in the energy of the jester. Specifically at work where I, when leaving early this week told my boss that I was “off to go play outside”. Which was repeated to me the next day by several other collegues who asked if I was “going to play outside again” when I left early. Well, while thinking that I read upon an article which says:

And then there is the real life concept of the court jester, who by their sheer honesty were rumored to have been able to speak freely to the monarch without finding themselves thrown in the dungeon or beheaded.

Ghegheghe, well, can’t depend on that working for ever. Guess I’m not at court although the powerstructures of a company do not look very different I guess. And I’m not always the jester and the other is not always the king / queen who can tolerate the jester. The jester lives by speaking the truth and therewith gains power but it is not wise to either diminish the power OR to act upon it other than by speaking ‘the truth’. And a king or queen can only feel comfortable when respect is shown, always. Dangerous territory. I guess I’ll find out the consequences when I go off the trail.

Somewhere in the last several years I have decided to be who I am and live with the consequences. It has to do with not being able to lie anymore about who I am. About wanting to become clear and visible and not have hide things which somehow energetically get in the way. I’m thinking being tactfull will automatically follow when I am confronted with the consequences of this ‘choice’. Not sure it is a choice because the path I have set on with becoming sober, was not so much a path of sobriety but a path of becoming clear, becoming me. Showing myself to myself as I am and to the world as I am. Not hiding. Not being ashamed anymore. Not putting all the past hurt between me and the world and reacting from that. Not drinking is a part of that, a very important part. When drinking I could not do this. Drinking is actually a ‘tool’ to accomplish the opposite of this. Now I write all this down I realise that I am NOT following my path most of the time. That I am hiding. That I am stuck in old patterns, hiding from myself in Netflix and chocolate.

Another thing which is related to the hiding is this feeling of ‘faling into my body and time’ which I experience more often lately. I believe I have written about this before but there are moments of absolute clarity which I experience ever so now and then. The physical experience is one of suddenly falling into my body.

Well, yeah, that is it. Falling into my body and realising time and surroundings and everthing I experience is real. It is a sort of down the rabbithole experience I guess.  That everything is ‘of essence’ – I have few words here.  I have experienced this ultimate ‘being’ during an Ayahuasca session years ago and I guess that is exactly what life is about and where I do not want to be. This clarity, transparrance I am looking for is that.

Ha! I guessed I had always thought if I were to be ‘there’ where I am ‘without fault  because clear and transparrent’ I would be perfect. I know realise I am, but not in the way I want it. I am because that is the state in which everybody is what they are meant to be and with that comes the acceptance of the differences, tendencies and flaws. I thought I would be clear and impersonal but I’m guessing (actually not guessing, feeling my way through all the possibilities and picking one which alligns with what I think is True) that is not the idea. Finding again that the idea is to be aware – and this means to me to be with my core/ to be my core and not be thrown about by my emotions but to observe them as I would ships on the horizon of the sea. Being clear is NOT another way of not being, of not feeling, not existing – like addiction wants to pursue. Funny that within the solution I immediately planted the seed of addiction, of not wanting to be, of not experiencing while calling it clarity. Guess it takes 1014 days of sobriety to realise that. 😀

When I quit drinking I realised that I drank because I do not want to live, I do not want to feel, I do not want to be aware. Life for me is just ‘too difficult’ it ‘hurts too much’. In the moments that I did care about myself I realised that clarity, transparence, awareness are the opposite of addiction and these are ‘simple’ goals to reach for. I mean it is simple to, with every action I take, ask: does this make things clear or do I hide things. Netflixing is hiding. But taking care I sleep well is making things clear. Chocolate is hiding, oppressing, eating healthy is caring and allowing my body to be here. Lying abouth stuff is hiding and sets me on a bad energeticaly path.

The issue I have is that with working, so much stuff is going on in the daily level of life that I do not feel that I can go to this level of realisation. So I guess having a 32 hour contract is good. 🙂 Let’s see where that brings me. 🙂 I still have not re-read my posts over the last 1014 days. Well, some, but not more than 20 or so. Do you re-read your own posts?

The bookstore man is back in the world. Heard from a mutual friend that he had been (almost) diagnosed with schizofrenia. Which I think, in my not so humble opinion, and not being a doctor, is utter bullshit. When a highly, highly sensitive, traumatised, overworked person in a difficult financial and personal situation (no money, no house, father in hospital) like him smokes as much pot as he does OBVIOUSLY things turn strange in the head. Specifically pot because that in itself has qualities for opening up to the sub(?)conciousness, it makes that boundaries fall even quicker than ‘only’ and addiction does. Alcohol closes the mind, pot opens it. And that does not help when overly sensitive and tired. Doctors do NOT understand the power of addiction.  There, my not so humble opinion. The inbetween friend told me to get in touch with the bsm but I read his (public) Facebook posts and the bsm is not in a good place.  And bwaahahaha, obviously not waiting for me to tell him to quit smoking. Neither was the inbetween friend. He keeps on trying to push smoking pot on me because ‘you are so stressed’. He is not a good friend. I felt sorry for him when he came to be in a wheelchair due to a hemorrhadge but I have little patience with his attitude towards life an addiction. I am ok with people who recognise their addiction and are able to look at it – wether or not they are changing it. I am very intolerant of people who are diminishing their problems, hiding, lying. Well, being the addict I despise in myself. Sorry world. I think this aspect would make me a bad addiction counseler for instance. And it is a reason why I don’t want to work directly with addicted people. And yes, changing my carreer to that has crossed my mind but I quickly abandoned it for exactly that reason. I don’t really see why I would have to anyway. I do realise I am rather unattractive, unforgiving and just plain not nice here. I am guessing letting my weird light shine here openly and not only speaking of where sobriety is fantastic is my way of giving back. Haha, I do feel quilty though. There is this agression building up in me, making me want to justify myself. But (but, but, but, but, but she moaned) I am much more at my place in a company than in social service. Now (mis?) using my judgemental issues to not do stuff. 😀 Let’s turn it around: is there anybody her who would (have) like(d) me to be their sponsor / counselor? Please also say ‘No’ when you think ‘No’. 😀

Different subject: I had a dream last night. The other day ‘my’ therapist and I spoke about warding the world off, or being closed off, being untouchable. As I see it, I make a lot of noise on the outside as to ward people off. To not let them come close. I do it with oversharing, I do this with long long posts, with voicing my opinion loudly; and in those actions there is a quality that has to do with dominance, with keeping people where they are. Somehow I think this warding things off is related to having lost my twin brother and being ‘forced’ to physically take up his remains and living through the traumatic experience of him (me) dying next to me. In the sudden rememberance of this experience I felt my natural boundaries break. That hurt. And I have not gotten them back but I did replace them with all kinds of methodes to keep people out.

I also think this inability to be touched, to be fluid, to be transparent in me results in high bloodpressure. Not saying that is true for others. Not even sure it is true for me but it feels like a fitting and working theory. High bloodpressure is the bodies reaction to nutrients not being able to get into the cell, so the heart pumps up the pressue to force things trough the cellular wall. That would allign with me starting off with: “To my not so humble opinion” and then blast people away. This loudness. Sorry to the world 😦 . Ok, sorry. Learning here.

So now I am taking a Schuessler salt Selenium which physically helps the take up of nutrients in the cell. Let’s see where this brings me. And, last night I dreamed about the subject. Not sure what the story was about. There was a guy and a tiny green frog-dragon-manlike, toy-like, plastic-like living intelligent animal monster and we needed to contain it otherwise it would hurt itself in the civilised world (hey, how can it ever be UNCLEAR?!). I kept on picking up the dragon man thing and trying to put it in a cage, while thinking: if the world were more natural he could just live freely. And ‘I do not agree with what I do here because it is not good, but letting go is not good either because he will be run over by a car.’ The boy/man in the dream kept on urging me to take care of the thingy and I kept on tightening my muscles as to not let his energy and existance in. I do so in some layer under my skin. Need to look it up if that is really possible. Warding stuff off. Continuously, always. I never relax. Always tense. Never satisfied and content. Guess addiction comes easily to a person with a structure like that. And it keeps it up because substance abuse promises relaxation but addiction is about hiding, suppressing, running. Just as awareness looks difficult but actually relaxes. How is this? I keep on having this image of a coin spinning in my head: things which are and are not. Addiction and awareness, currently I see them as 2 sides of the same coin. Not sure if it is the correct image. And not sure what the essence of the coin is.

The image does reflect perfectly what I experience with falling into my body, into existence the one second and falling out of it the next. I guess this is how learning processes like these go. Not content with the coin laying still in the end but I guess I also need to realise that at some point in life it will become more and more difficult to let coins spin in order to make them fall on the ‘good’ side.

Enough for today. Not reading back. No spell check.

I am happy that I quit. I have not thought about this for a very long time so I guess it is time to touch base again. For me being happy that I quit is the essence of ‘long’ term sobriety. I once read that 2% of the addicted people ‘makes it’ to a year in one go. 1% ‘Makes it to 2 years’ in one go. That sounds difficult but I am guessing the thing is to make sure one belongs to the 2% and then to the 1% and then to the…. And then again, as anybody I am only a few steps away from the abyss. 😦

I feel I am not forgiving towards others or to myself. Guess I see forgiving as dangerous. Not sure I am lucky that I got ‘out’ relatively easy or that I should start owning it more. I still feel that with owning it, I give it too much attention because it is not about quitting drinking, it is about living again. Quitting drinking is only a part of that and that is ok. I am still ‘having trouble’ learning to be not selfdestructive. Learning to be aware. Or maybe I should rephrase the ‘having trouble’ and be happy about what is going well. Not be discontent about what is not. Such chagrin in such a rich Western world where, compared to others, I am guessing my life is pretty easy.  Or not. Don’t know. All these opinions, they are not neccessary. Sigh. No, sighing, not neccessary.

Just for the records: currently I feel like replacing the ‘I am happy that I quit’ with ‘I quit drinking alcohol’.

A woman who loves herself would…. would do a spell check and possibly add a part of another unpublished blogpost in here because it feels like that needs to come out too and then? Would she finally clean her house? Would she eat healthy? Would she go outside? Why do I not want to wake up in this world? Or in other words: why does it seem so difficult? Or do you experience the same?

Ok. Food time. This is going nowhere. 🙂

I wish you a nice Pinksteren / Pentecost. 🙂 May the holy spirit leave you some inspiring thoughts. 🙂 And if you have time I would be really pleased if you could answer some of the above questions which are spread throughout the text. Simultaneously press ‘Ctrl’ and ‘F’ and search for the ‘?’ and Enter will bring you to them.

xx, Feeling