Anger. Sadness. Happiness!

Happy? Yep, happy. How come? Different mindset. 2 Weeks ago I informed my boss that I would not be taking on a new contract. The work makes me ill physically and emotionally. The company where I work has difficulty with boundaries because there is no management on the production floor. My boss expects everybody to perform without guidance and he does that on trust. This works for 80% of the work and the other 20% does not get done because people do not feel like it or do not have knowledge on how to do it correctly. Which is exactly how a company loses money. My job is in the 20% but I get no tools or budget to do my business there and quite frankly; most people don’t want their job to change.

I fitted in PERFECTLY since I have difficulty with boundaries I went head first and all in. That got us to a place where we got ourself a top score on an important industry test / audit. But all in all, going head first and all in is never a good idea and that is what will cause havoc later. Now this approach is not useful anymore and in order to stay healthy I need to set boundaries. Due to my nature I have difficulty doing that. As a person I have a weak connection to my ‘starting point’. Based on reliving an experience in the womb where my twin brother died, I believe that my energetic boundaries were crushed in that process and I got ‘dislocated’ in this world – within myself. Without myself. Not sure where I went, how to phrase it, but that’s how it feels. And I am actually pretty sure that is what and how it happened. This is my truth. An uncomfortable one, and one that set me on an unhealthy path but hey, learning experience (?).

So, back to boundaries: don’t have them. Worked ok. Then nearly got me killed by being so overworked and lost in myself that I thought it would be better if I did not exist. Then hope came along in the shape of a book (why are you not surprised? πŸ™‚ ) advised to me by my GP. It is about homeopathic medicine in the weirdest way. And addresses issues like ‘not having boundaries’ and ‘feelings running wild’. Ha! Recognise that? :-). So… while I still thought I had a job I went all addicty on this new stuff and ordered every different dilution of everything I might ever need in my life. πŸ™‚ Spending the amount of a 4 day holiday on that.

I started with Vernix Caseosa (homeopathic dilution obviously!) which is about developing boundaries and partially about incarnating. Obviously a GOOD concept. πŸ™‚ One good thing is that I lost interest in suicidal thoughts. Sounds frivolous but that is what happened; directly after taking Vernix and quitting I did not see suicide as a solution anymore. Guessing that is goodlike. πŸ™‚ Don’t know, because when in that state I think that stepping out is a goodlike. So it balances out, still, meaning that I am not overwhelmed with joy yet. But I have this morality which says that choosing life is better than revoking it. So I guess that sort of settles it, even though it does not add up inside yet.

Well, immediately after taking Vernix (boundaries) I experienced physical sensations where my ‘being’ would reach out to my skin level and be able to exist there. My skin is very, very tight, like always tense, on edge and keeping people, influences, energy out. Now I felt I could relax there. NEW!!

I also experienced the lack of boundaries in my work and other people’s work and all the issues became apparent! So ab-so-lu-te-ly overly right-in-my-face apparent. And gosh I got ANGRY, you can not believe how angry I got. I wrote a 2 pager to burn the my boss’ wife’s department to the ground in explaining them how they do not function in any way. I did not send it out because at my boss question if “Does that make them cry and go home early?” I answered that this would indeed be the intent and goal. So I got a “No.” 😦 Bummer. πŸ˜€

So, yep, I was mad! Told my boss I was so angry that I was going home and would work from home till the next day where we would meet. That was ok-ish. Next day he said my attitude had worried him. I kindly replied that if he had worried about other people’s attitudes towards me we would not be sitting here having this conversation.Β  To which h agreed actually. And then the whole monologue of all the stupidities of my co-workers spilled out and it was dark, dirty but healing to get it off my chest and informative to my boss. Yes, I mentioned my own inability to deal with it too. It is not a one way thing obviously.

Never in my life I had experienced work boundaries so clearly as I did and shit.. whoa…. they hurt. But it hurts more if they are not there. I have experienced that as a sensation, a feeling but that left. I now only know it as knowledge, with my brain – my tendency is still to not like boundaries but, slowly things are changing. No boundaries is a good recipe for pain. As a person with an addictive personality, say more ‘lacking boundaries’ in all ways these can be understood, it is frustrating to come up against them. On one hand I feel the peace of energetically developing boundaries and realising my co-workers cross these day by day. On the other hand the fear of really incarnating within this world, this body drives me nuts when I think of it. Just seconds but whaaaa, the energetic power in that is tremendous. Talk about pressure cooker under pressure. “Breathe, relax, drink water.” But also: “If I am really here, I can be really hurt and they can do to me what they want. So I prefer to be not here.” They = my personal boogeyman.

Ooh, did I tell you I had 2 guys coming up to me congratulating me (or more: themselves) with me leaving “So we can finally, maybe, meet some time after work?”
Wot?!!! And then: Yesssssss!!! Incarnation does have its added pleasures as well. πŸ˜€ I had forgotten about that. I had planned on not doing stupid things since both of them are married. Once is actually married with two women at the same time and not living with either – that is very well possible in the Middle East. Is he an ass? Well, he’s been set up by his parents who married him off at 19 and has not seen his wives in ages. Does that make it ok? Don’t know. On the one hand I am thinking I should not get carried away in this. On the other hand: he is a freakishly handsome son of gods and my brain shuts down when I see him, my knees buckle…. who am I to go against nature? Ok, weak excuse.

Did I mention boundaries before? And developing them? Ha! Out comes karma to lay down another trap disguised as a young Eastern prince with a gorgeous appearance coming up to me and literally offering himself because “I can feel you are interested in me.” Ooh yes! Obviously I said; “No.” because work.

I have been interested since day one that I saw him. Even though we hardly ever spoke he felt that and acted upon it. Luckily I have developed a natural shyness when it comes to intimacy since being sober but indeed I did shave armpits this morning. And you all know what starting to shave means. Sigh. Well, in a month time I will be free of the contract and we shall see. No chipper frolicking before hand. πŸ˜€

People think my boss is going to ask me to stay. He certainly started to appreciate me again when I was training him to take over my job. That was good fun. πŸ™‚ I am going to miss this. He organises my brain very nicely. I appreciate that.

All in all things have been difficult for a few days when being over the top, out of this world angry, until, haha, I read up in my ‘Inspiring homeopathy’ book from Tinus Smits who, says the next step in the homeopathic process of this extreme anger. Which is only logical obviously because the biological purpose of anger is to guard our boundaries. And when I get aware of boundaries no wonder anger pops up. Duh?!

So…. Would I have not given up my job if I would have been aware of this? I think so. So is it a bad idea to leave? Not sure. Today I am ok, after 3 days of weekend. But on a daily base I bike to and from work crying. Which is 14-15 kilometers of crying. That is quitΒ  a lot. Officially I do not have the right to unemployment benefits because I ‘left’ and did not get fired. Hoping my boss will help me out with that because I need some rest to regroup. But he actually is not like that, says that able-bodied people should not receive benefits.

My family thinks I should have / should call in sick and get sick leave money. Which is understandable because the situation actually makes me sick. But I don’t want to go there because that keeps me in believing that I am unrepairable and victimized while I think I ‘just’ need to finish this neatly and get over it. Like I did with the last job. And ghegheghe… make better choices next time.

If I had put any thought to this when I started the job I would have known this would happen, actually, I knew this was going to get out of hand due to management lacking. I did not know about the verbal sexual abuse and neither of the other almost 20 ‘tips’ the boss’ wife was going to give me on my appearance. 😦 I think I would not have felt so absolutely alone if that had not happened. Possibly I could have dealt with the other issues better if I had felt supported and felt that I could actually say something about it to my boss. But he’s going to hate his wife for this – he is very much against any of her demeaning jokes and bully behaviour. So I can not tell him. Crying now. All is totally natural and understandable and totally unfair and I feel so powerless in this.

What I did learn as well is that, apart from all that is lacking in me, I have tremendous business insights in process and where the money is made and where it is not. I sense where things are going wrong in an instance and see through all the mechanisms quickly. I quickly come up with solutions which are complete and sustainable, including the human factor which, in this company often means: teaching, restoring respect, having personal contact, improving team spirit by working on tiny ‘stupid’ issues as complaints like: “They never inform me when they leave or ask me if I need help.”

I am happy that I quit. In many ways. But I am worried about why I keep on ending up in companies with women crossing all kinds of boundaries with me. Not sure how to approach. If anybody has a tip there I am eager to hear. 😦 Apart from me developing some boundaries so that people do not even THINK of crossing them. Pfff. I already look like a fricking schoolteacher without money, I can’t really downgrade even more without being picked up by the police for tramping.

Ok, gheghe, maybe I should change the name of this blog into ‘struggles of a non repairing addict’. But no! I am actually happy ever so now and then lately! Not having to do the frustrating, shitty parts of work in my job anymore make it very relaxing. Knowing that I can actually leave is very nice even though I am very sad and I do not want to, I’m thinking my time here is up and I have wrecked myself yet again / let myself be wrecked again. Whatever. Not healthy. Can’t deal. Leaving for new pastures, nothing left to lose here.

I am happy to see what lies ahead. As I realise I still have a lot to lose, don’t want to be disrespectful to those who have lost more than I. But I am happy that I am free to change. Something is in the air. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. This is an exciting journey. A women who loves herself would have loved herself a little earlier possibly so it would not have to come to quitting jobs, being overworked, feeling down and miserable. BUT, then I would not have gotten informed of the new homeopathic stuff I found so…. there is a silver lining here. πŸ™‚

Wishing you a happy, sober new day.

xx, Feeling

 

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Practising positive affirmations

Reading Louise Hay’s book ‘The power is within you.’ and it starts of with positive affirmations. I am practising these now and wow, what a power! I can actually feel myself relax and become a nicer person. Wow.Β  Amazing. Well I did know I had a strong negative streak, but I did not know it worked in every second and in everything I do. I feel like I am unfolding. I am experiencing space and health and mind places where I have not been before.

And actually, funny, I knew the strength of positive affirmations and used it to make myself happy about quitting. I called it brainwashing :-). Affirmation as a nicer word. I can see why it took me a while to get there but it is here and unfolding. πŸ™‚ I like it. I am 4,5 months sober now, 140 days.

I am happy that I quit drinking! Yeah! There are so many things to discover about life, about the universe and doing so makes it all so rewarding.

What I want: to continue reading.

What I need: to settle my thoughts in order to actually do stuff. That is a need but I will continue reading because getting rid of negativity and my attachment to sadness has been an assignment since I did my ayahuasca ceremonies 4 years ago and I want to be free of it.

This post was edited, I used positive wordings. πŸ™‚ Yeah!

Why run a bath…

It struck me today when I sat down in the bath: Why run a bath when I dislike the person in it?

It got me to thinking about being negative about myself and trying to let go of the negative self talk and self-hatred. Feels strange, unusual. But then: I’ve been in the strange country before, I’ve quit drinking. How can this be worse?

It is scary. If I become valuable people will be hurting me again. If I have no value I can not be hurt. That is the script that keeps me walking the negative path. I don’t want to go there anymore. It is not helping and it is killing my energy and cutting of my internal voice. I don’t want to be that brat from the former post. Life is short. I should use the time I have and not waste it with fighting with my spirit.

So I picket up Louise Hay’s book that I found in a wonderful 2nd hand store yesterday. It’s on listening to my inner voice. One of you informed me of it. Not sure if I did get exactly the book you advised, or actually if I did get the writer you advised but it is on listening to your inner voice to heal yourself. I am very curious. It is finally time to read something like this. πŸ™‚ And I think I know no other people who do the talking with the inner voice like I do. That might not be true but it is just something well, people donΒ΄t speak of it. And when I do people seem to think I am weird. So it would be cool to read from somebody that does the listing and possibly the talking.

IΒ΄m going out for a walk. My inner voice is nagging. ThatΒ΄s because she is right and I stalling. Hmmm. I like this. Just listening. Gives peace.

Happy that I quit. Very happy. πŸ™‚

What I want: don’t know. I am content I guess. πŸ™‚

What I need: to get some fresh air.

Grateful

Today the woman who I have written about before as ‘the nutritionist friend’ and I met and again and with her presence and how she is rooted in the world she has tought me the existence of an emotion that was not in my emotional vocabulary: gratefulness.

I am grateful to GP1 for having picked me up and made me realise that the shame I felt about drinking actually stopped me from doing something about it. I am grateful to me for picking me up. I am grateful to the good voice in me that is guiding the way. Yeah! I am even grateful for that nagging addict inside that gives me a run for my money and therefore makes me stronger. Maybe I am overdoing it a bit. I am grateful for my friends who support me with fun gettogethers and who don’t bug me about not drinking. I am grateful that I get to feel happiness again and again. I am grateful that I learn -although it is way easier to be grateful when I am learning the happy stuff than when I am learning the difficult stuff- true, true.

Today I learned that:

‘Nothing can be solved in one day.’ This still clashes with my feelings of omnipotence but somewhere I am starting to believe that I could imagine that there could be a hint of truth in that which counts for some people some day, possibly including me at a certain stage. Let’s say I will keep the option open. Which, now I come to think of it, is rather funny because I don’t get any shit done apart from well that. Brrrrrrr, that is a can of worms, not going there.

‘It gets easier.’

‘Everything starts tiny.’ I need to learn to respect that.

In stead of berating me I can say: ‘I will do what I can.’

I need to relax about food. πŸ™‚

But most of all: I am doing well. I can be proud of that, and even if I was not doing well I can be proud because I put in the work that I can. And that is what I can. Funny, I think of myself as lacking in everything but I do take being clear very serious. I guess I have been expecting that with work comes reward and the reward will make me feel good. But the reward of the emotional work I do is clarity. Because there’s stuff I fear, clarity sometimes hurts. Hmmmm… now there’s a notion: instant fixes are not at hand anymore. Where have I heard the need for the instant fix before….?

In explaining what keeps me from drinking / what keeps me from connecting ‘good’ and ‘alcohol’ I found that I have found another ‘good’ or a Good. That is connecting with me, listening to the good voice inside.Β  aligning with the concept of good behind that voice.

So. Today I am grateful, happy and proud of what I have achieved. 4 Days short of 3 months sober. I am happy that I quit and happy that I have come to newly meet wonderful people in my real life and here in the blogosphere.

Hope you all have a good weekend. πŸ™‚

I looked everywhere

A few years ago I attended 2 ayahuasca ceremonies led by an ayahuasquero. Ayahuasca is a natural drug that has been used by the indigenous people of Latin America for centuries. The ayahuasquero is the person running the ceremony. If used with the right set in the right setting ayahuasca brings insight in life and one of the special qualities of ayahuasca is the ability to restore the connection to nature and life.

I went for several reasons, one being that, after my mother died, I had lost my connection to life itself. It was as if half of my cells died with her and I could not find my way back. Undoubtedly my increased use of alcohol had a lot to do with that to. In preparation to the ayahuasca ceremony it is advised to follow a diet. The diet sort of excluded everything apart from fresh vegetables, fruits, water and herb tea. I lived on that for about 2 weeks only adding a little piece of fish here and there and a few glasses of cola.

I am trying to make this a coherent story but I am so sad, so sad.Β  Yesterday was a very heavy session at my therapist, living through pain that feels eons old, crashing onto me. That’s why I need to write, feel like drowning all of this in a six-pack, 2 six-packs and a bottle of wine. The reasons not to drink have disappeared and the only thing that is keeping me is the knowledge that it is not a good idea. The desire to be clear has left me.

The ceremony was in a farm in the country side. We were advised to bring a sleeping bag. You might be surprised to hear that I, apart from blogging about changes in toilet habits from the bottom of my heart, I am a rather private person when it comes to beds, bed covers and sleeping bags and even more peculiar when it comes to food. So, even though there was little place in the car I also took my pillow and another blanket. And some food to my liking of course, a big bag for 3 days. Can’t trust others to buy exactly what I might need now can I?

The ceremony started and I took care to arrange a bed in a dark corner, as far away from the crowd as possible. I was scared shitless, well not shitless, that I unfortunately noticed later. So I was scared. Scared I was going to die, scared I would be very sick, scared I had this funny heart or brain disease that would make me be the only person ever to die of ayahuasca and die in horrible pain but so quickly that nobody could actually do something about it, while shitting my pants and with puke in my hair. Or so quietly that nobody would notice, or, maybe they would not think it was serious and I would still die and, and, and, and…. pffff. Things to fear. Things to make up to fear.

The first ayahuasca wave hit me, I started seeing tiny purple speckles on my bedcover. PANIC!!!!! I don’t want to see purple speckles that are not there?!!!! So there came the orange dots, and the vibrant green, and they became a nauseating vortex of colours. I puked and everybody puked because puking is one of the things that happens. I think it cleans out the mental and spiritual shit. Loads of puking in special tiny puke buckets. I was scared and not yet shitless as I noticed when I crawled to the toilet 20 meters further. Crawled? Yes. Crawled. Glad I made it in time.

Then came the images of animals, lions with heads of an eagle, men with wings and heads of dogs, snakes. Gazillions of mythical animals rising up from the subconscious, invading my consciousness, doing macabre dances and loads of threatening and ritual killing of other mythical animals. My thoughts were caught up in fear of dying and having that horrible disease that would send me to hospital. And then I realised: it is not about the animals. It is about realising how scared I am, realising that I always think that I am threatened, always think that I have a disease that is unknown, always think I will either die or become insane in the next instance. Having worked that out the images changed to men raping and killing babies and laughing about it. I cried and cried and cried and cried because of being so, so scared and so, so tired of living and being scared. My worst nightmares had come true and I finally decided at that moment NOT to ‘go there’. I would not pay attention and even though I felt overwhelmed by all this (non)info coming from my brains I was going to choose another scenery. This is one of the first lessons of ayahuasca: There is a choice in how to deal with stuff, now choose.

That was when my ayahuasca spirit arrived and started speaking with me – well, in my head. Actually it felt she was outside my head, at arms length away, a little above my head. Something to do with a true sovereign. Not sure how it works. She was this tough uberbitch, not kind, not unkind, just present and CLEAR. Which was a good comparison because I had already walked on the path of alcohol for a long time.

‘You are sad? It seems to be your most used emotion.’ And believe me there was no judgement, only a pointing out of the obvious that I in my whole life had NEVER seen, noted or heard from anybody else.

‘How can you say that?! It is not like I choose to be sad?!!’

‘No, you don’t think you do, but you don’t put as much energy in being happy either….’

‘I just feel so alone! I have lost my connection. Since my mother died I feel like I am dying too. I am so sad!’

‘You have lost connection. Now look at what you do; you go to an ayahuasca ceremony to feel connected and you take your own blanket, even an extra one, your own pillow, your own food and you make sure to take place in the utmost corner far away from the group. You do not connect because you are scared people will upset you.’

And I cried, and cried and cried till I felt there was no tears left anymore. That ceremony I learned a lot of stuff, loads and loads of insights, big, small, beautiful, painful. But I was sad because I felt I was not connected. But the next morning I walked out of the farmhouse and the whole world and all of nature were alive to me. Finally I had found my connection back. Trees, flowers, grass, insects, the wind, people; they were speaking to me again and I was alive.

The next day there was the second ayahuasca ceremony and I started of with fear, sadness and disconnectedness only to go through the same conversations as the day before – but shorter. And finally I pleaded: ‘But I have looked everywhere for love and I have not found it.’

‘Where have you looked?’

‘Everywhere, really, everywhere out there!’ (That was in the landscape I experienced within the ayahuasca experience)

‘So……?’

‘I can’t go anywhere, it is NOT out there. I am sure! I have travelled all over the place and not found anything. In real life I have been in intimate relations but I have found nothing. I am so sad….”

‘And….?’

‘What? And?’

‘If it is not out there, where is it?’

‘Inside?! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO. Can’t be?!!! Can it?’

‘You could have a look.’

And I had a look and what I saw had such beauty that I feel, even in my mother tongue I could not describe to do it justice but I will try; I saw a room that looked like an ancient bathroom from the Middle East. In the middle of the room was a light of such clarity that it shone through my body, my mind, my soul and it laid bare who I was. It was GOOD, it was original, it was life, it was ancient and young at the same time, it was endless.

I cried and said: ‘I have never seen something that is so beautiful. It makes me so sad.’ And the vision went away. ‘Where did it go?! It was so beautiful and now it is gone! I am so sad.’ I cried.

And the ayahuasca said: ‘Sadness is still your favorite emotion is it not?’ I figured I should not be sad upfront and the vision reappeared in all its beauty.

And I cried and said: ‘This is so beautiful, this is so beautiful. They will come and destroy it. I am sure of it’ And the vision would be gone.

‘No, this is not the way.’ my ayahuasca spirit said and I would practise to leave the sadness and the vision would came back.

‘This is so beautiful! This is so beautiful! What is it? Ooh my God. No matter what you say I am sure they will come and destroy it.’ And the vision would be gone.

And I would practise to leave the sadness and the vision would come back.

‘This is so beautiful! This is so beautiful! What is it? Why have I never seen this before? It is so beautiful and I have never seen it before, that makes me so sad!’

Well, you’re getting the cycle now I guess? And I would practise to leave the sadness and the vision would come back. And right now, when writing this I am crying because it all seems so futile because the sadness is back. And there is another ceremony going on right now here in the city and I am not part of it because I let sadness and alcohol rule my life.

I should not be sad. I still have not learned! Jason Vale told me to be happy about quitting and today I have not been happy about it and that scares me. I have seen on of the most beautiful things in the world. I should not be sad, sadness makes it go away.

The cycle continued: ‘This is so beautiful! This is so beautiful! What is it? I have looked everywhere to find something that is so beautiful I am sure it has been destroyed everywhere! That is why it is so difficult to live my life. I am so sad that this is not around more.’ And the vision would be gone.

‘Ok, OK! I got it! I should not put sadness between me and the beauty. It is so sad that I put sadness between me and …..’

‘Ok, I think I got it. πŸ™‚ I should not put sadness between me and the beauty. This is so beautiful, I can’t believe it….. I don’t deserve this.’

And so I practised and practised. I met sadness another 10 or 20 times over. Along came fear of destruction until finally I worked out that what I saw: my divine spark. And I should not be sad to meet it. I was happy. I was happy because of the beauty that I carry within, that everybody carries within. I was happy because I had met it. I was happy because I had practised not being unhappy. I was happy because I had looked all over the world for it and had finally found it.

And now I am sad, because I have a body that has been attacked and has been brutalized and disturbed. The sacredness, the integrity that I had been born into has been destroyed and it leaves me wanting and yearning to be whole again. It has made me scared and does make me sad at so many levels. And in between all of that I know now that I need to practise to get away from that hurt and try to connect again and NOT look in the outside world for answers. In addition to that NOT look for solutions that come from the outside like beer and wine or food or chocolate and chips.

No matter what happened, right now I am the one that destroys the experience of the beauty within me. Can I go back and live from that experience? Take the ayahuasca vision into the world and live from that place? I feel I can’t, I feel I can. I don’t know. It hurts. I have been revisiting old pain yesterday at my therapist and shit it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I am not sure if I want to live in this world. Guessing I’ll have to otherwise I come back as a clump of grass in my next life.

Thinking of the character of the pain now. It was not the physical pain, though in some cases that was big. It was not the suffocating and feeling I could not breathe, even though I thought I died. It was the betrayal of the persons that did it, knowing that they should not, knowing that they enjoyed hurting me and did not care because they wanted that and wanted what they came for. They betrayed not only the bond we had but also damaged my feeling of safety in the world and did not care. And with that came the betrayal of my mother who did not believe me and did not take action. It destroyed my self-worth. If my mother does not even care, it must mean I am worthless. And all along I kept thinking that I should be fair and straight and honest. Because that is how it should be. In my dreams.

It are these very strong dreams, ideals and losing those that have hurt me but hanging onto them while obviously they were not in line with reality (well, that would be the definition of ideal) has kept me from accepting what happened. It has kept me from closing the wounds and moving on. Their actions have kept me from ever trusting a man in an intimate relation, from having children, from working long time in places because always there would be a man in the workspace reminding me and the dynamics I bring along would force me to battle it out with him.

On another level these experiences caused extreme reactions in me and laid a pattern in which there is no healing possible but only extreme sensations of low selfesteem or, in reaction to that, supriority, because the experiences were too big and overwhelming to be carried by me. Not by me and not by my mom, that is why she had to silence me, to not be confronted with what she could not bear. And that is why she did not come to my aid because she could not bear it either.

I asked the ayahuasca what I would need to do workwise in the future. She said: ‘That is not important, the only thing you need to do is to get clear.’

Clear in the word of the ayahuasca as I understood it means: not drinking but also, not hiding, not blowing up feelings to the extend of totally lacking self worth or being all-knowing and all-powerful, not hiding behind excuses, just doing the stuff that needs to be done and speak the words that need to be spoken. And not mourning over the wrong things, being happy and living, not putting sadness between myself and every experience that I have, every person that I meet.

And here it is….. ‘Oooooh, NOOOOOOOOO, I can NEVER do THAT?!!’

Well, maybe I can not, but I think I should do it anyhow. It takes a decision and the maintenance of the decision. I have been practising that. I have been practicing being happy about not drinking. That worked, well, up to yesterday. I need to continue to practise it. And now I deserve a drink, if I don’t deserve a drink right now I don’t know when anybody ever will.

And so it goes on, and on and on until I fully realise that I do not have to walk that path anymore and have practised another path. As the ayahuasca spirit said:

‘I can only show you what is. You have to do the work yourself.’

Happy that I quit? Not sure. Tired. Way past bedtime.

Happy that I quit

Hi all!

I Just want to say that I am happy that I quit drinking.

And I am guessing that some of the erratic posts that I write may give you the idea that I am a total mess. Which could well be true. But nothing, nothing, nothing in my life is going to get better when I drink. Isn’t that cool?

I was looking to force my emotions towards normality by drinking. Now I find that I can steer my way through life way easier when not drinking. It does not always feel easier, but the steering is. And I haven’t got the hang of it, still not always walking the talk in being able ‘to choose my reaction’ (to admin e.g.), and I don’t know if that is ever going to be so. But there is an opening and there is light. Before there was deep, deep hole and it was pitch black and nobody knew I was there.

And with that, thank you for visiting my blog, reading, liking, commenting, because it helps. It helps me realise that I am not alone, it makes me want to shine light in the darkness and on the darkness. I think, sometimes, often I am afraid that what I write is strange and uncomfortable to read. Still I stick with it, because if I start to do the editing, I feel as if I am doing exactly what went wrong with me before; covering up the weirdness and the pain. Hiding. And I want to be clear and I need to let the light in. πŸ™‚

Still not sure if I should write with disclaimers and all, I mean, past performance does not guarantee future results. It is an addiction after all. But I guess just like not thinking about drinking in the future, I should not worry about thinking about drinking in the future. I am not in the future. I am here! And sober! And happy! πŸ™‚

A time of insight and sunlight. πŸ™‚ Happy. πŸ™‚

Substitute addiction / time to get a move on

It’s my 2 months sober anniversary! πŸ™‚ And after reading Belle’s post this morning I remembered why I never signed up for a 100 challenge day; I thought I needed to get sober for forever. Yes, ‘looking for help’ was not in my dictionary. But I am going to ask help. If all is well I am meeting somebody next Tuesday – not a professional –Β  that I hope is going to help me with my eating pattern and daily life.

I do cheat a little on the trusting ‘not a professional’ because she is a vicars wife and she wants to be a professional in her specialisation and I am the guinea pig. πŸ™‚ But I hope she can help me get on with the practical part of life because I still rather read blogs and blog but that will not bring bread to the table….

So… Reading blogs this morning (while I should actually be doing admin) I came to the post from Greg W who reblogged a post about substitute addiction from which I copied this part:

He writes that the addict in recovery β€œmay maintain potentially magical thinking that the Higher Power will fix him or her without engaging in corrective action…and may try to use rituals of connection to a Higher Power as means to escape from painful feelings.”

Some of you might know that I am not religious but I do really like the spiritual-like insights and experiences that I have ever so now and then. I do not only like the Ahaa Erlebnis but also the relatively easy way it gets me to understand stuff. And even though I sometimes have to dig deep and face a lot of shit, it feels like I don’t really have to work for it. Which is I guess, true-ish. For me it is easier to feel my way through stuff and blog about it then, I don’t know… how do you solve issues? I actually don’t know what the other option is. Well maybe this explains it: it is easier for me to ride a craving and experience what it is trying to tell me, where it comes from and where it wants to take me than actually fighting it.

I know I can’t do the fighting. I would be afraid that I would lose I guess. Alcohol is strong. Do I lack willpower? Yes! No! Don’t know… My willpower has just been trained to say ‘I want to drink!’ And that statement feels very willpowery and convincing and real and true. I only realise that my willpower is fooling me when I get to the last check which is: ‘Does is make me drink?’ Yes -> not good, beware. Can I fight it? I don’t think so. And I do not want to try to fight it because I think I will lose. That scares me. Addiction runs deep.

So I need to find something that does work from my sober tool box. Most of the time that is bringing my thoughts, fears, feelings to the light. Which is ok. It has worked so far. Happy that I quit. But I’ve had so many beautiful insights in my addiction that by now I feel that if I don’t get enlightened at least once a day that I am not really alive. New addiction? Yes, it feels like it because I feel I have become dependent on it. And also no because it has transformational qualities in it. True addictions don’t do transformations do they? It feels like those experiences change my mindset, my cells, my DNA, my view on life and I need that.

To which my inner voice says: ‘Stop shitting yourself, you are addicted to life changing experience, you get bored if you do not experience stuff. And when you get bored your addict starts to speak up and you get to the danger zone. In alcohol you found freedom of the physical boundaries and you forgot what you call ‘the misery that binds you to the earth’. You now crave the explosion of inner freedom that is in the Ahaa experiences.’

😦 True. Or πŸ™‚ True!!! So what now? So that is a wonderful insight and because I am experiencing this totally happy feeling about this conversations with me I can not imagine why I need to do anything about it. πŸ˜€ Gheghegheghe.

And I wrote the below paragraphs before I got the above conversation with myself, now I just can’t see what I was worried about. I actually am high on experience. Wicked! πŸ˜€ While 10 Minutes ago that I was worried and probably should be but I can’t feel it now:

Happy that I quit, not happy with that I am not doing the stuff I need to do. Yesterday I had such a big insight in how I face things that the insight itself gave me a splitting headache and I went back to bed and slept for hours. And I was doing exactly NOT what I should be doing. Which is the same I do now. Again and again and again and again. There is another part where I do not want to be clear. Hiding behind stuff, blog.

Enough thinking, here’s an anniversary song. For all of you that are out there and that are, or ar not on the happy train. Join in, sing along. πŸ™‚

Now that I am reading back what I wrote I realise the intention of not doing stuff and berating me about it. I always seem to need something to keep myself down. (I am thinking ‘attached to the world’?) God forbid I should be genuinely happy and content with myself. Can’t have that now can we?

Yes, we can!! πŸ˜€

Say who was not doing what she needed to do???