Looking for Hope

After my visit to the government doctor I visited my GP. We worked out that I would get help. Up till then I had thought along the same lines as when being addicted to drinking: if I just do this and that, all will be well. This and that would be ‘moderate’ when I was drinking. Currently it would be ‘wake up on time, shower, dress, eat well, excercise, socialize, go to be early’. And then I found it did not work anymore.

Not all was not well. That night I went into a psychotic episode force 5 on a 10 point scale. That was extremely scary. I had to pull everything together not to lose my mind. I realised that my fear of losing my mind put extra pressure on whatever it was that was happening. So with what was left I deliberately looked through my toolbox. I found: breath, relax, drink water, pat the cat and EFT and EMDR. I did not have the energy for EFT but I did move my eyeballs from left to right and back repeatedly. In only seconds I relaxed, yawned and found a little footing. WONDERFUL. It helped me through the next half hour and I fell asleep. Sleeping is better. Next days I keep on moving my eyeballs left and right and I can literally feel the pressure receding. Immediately. Wonderful. 🙂 Thank you Louise and all others who are involved for pointing me at this methode. 🙂

I also found: call somebody. I can not remember why I dismissed that. Possibly because it was night. Most likely because I do not want people to think I have gone over the edge.

I just read my former post again. Sound quite crazy, difficult to read.  Things got worse. Some of you might have read the post where I spoke about the abuse issues I encountered in New Zealand. My niece just moved over there. She is 17 years old. She has not even been there a full month I believe and she has been forcefully kissed against her will by a guy at a party. Photo’s were made too and used against her when she replied in a chat that she did not like it. This is the same niece I wanted to have a talk with about safety and well, the rape culture before she went to NZ, her mother ‘forbade’ that. Same mother and father (my brother) who laughed at her and the situation when she reported guys had put a wager on who ‘got her first’. She is lesbian but not out of the closet in NZ.

Not sure how but I sensed something was off, I don’t know, the photos of outings just looked too glamorous but her personality was not filling up the gap between her and the glamour. I started chatting. It took me 2 hours of chatting with her before she finally came clear on what had happened and she still is too ashamed and traumatized to give the details.

She does not want me to inform her parents. I haggled a deal with her that she connects with a teacher at school the moment she feels scared. Also that she will tell the counsellor of the exchange organisation whom she meets this week.

I know this is not about me but at some point I was wondering: how the hell am I to stay sane during this? This theme in my life where I sense and see danger and nobody listens and bad things happen. Even after they happen people laugh and traumatized persons get dissed. It is, well, very unpleasant. Traumatizing in itself. Eyes left, right, left, right, left. Breathe….. yawn. I yawn within 10 times left and right. 🙂 Not sure what that is about. Guess I am tired.

And I am sick and tired of things like these pushing me towards the edge. There must be another way of dealing with this.

I am grateful that I have this 6th sense where I can literally feel around the world that a person I know is in trouble. I am grateful that I have enough knowledge of speaking with traumatized people to be able to hold some space for her. I am absolutely pissed that she has to go through this. I am absolutely pissed that I have to go through this. I am absolutely pissed at this sick sick world.

Ok. Thanks for reading that :-).

So…. I’m looking for therapists. I’m thinking I would like to start with a therapist on vanishing twin syndrome. There are several around by now but many are ‘far’ away. I am scared to travel currently. I guess I could speak with friends and ask them to go with me. Also…. if this is so intense, maybe I should wait till I am a little more stable. But then again… will I get stable if I do not address the main issue.

Maybe the main issue is not having hope left. I was thinking about this. Can’t believe the jokes the Universe plays on me because I IMMEDIATELY got a FB message on ‘Hope in these dark Trump times’. 🙂 It was good. 🙂

Ok. If the main issue is not having any hope left, I have Bach remedies on the subject of Hope in my toolbox. I keep on not wanting to do the work to get me healthy and back because I am SO SICK of falling back in this dark pit. The loneliness. The despair. The pain of seeing how things are run in this world. Again and again walking into people and situations which press my buttons. Not being able to deal with that. The sensitivity which sometimes feels like I am walking around without skin and everybody can look into my soul. Hahaha, and if they don’t they can read this blog ;-). Ghegheghe…. eh…

Ok, I need to step up my game. I have found parts of self-love where I now believe I do matter. In the process of allowing me to live, I also decided that I do not suck – the whole world sucks. This is not a personal thing, it is ‘just’ governments, multinationals like Monsanto and Shell, environmental polluters, rapists etc.) I guess in time this will balance out. Now I ‘just’ (?) do not have the energy anymore and I am scared for relapsing into where I am now. Hmmm…. I am scared to relapse so I stay still down in the pit. Hmmm…. food for thought.

I put the word ‘just’ between quotes because I have an issue with that word. I noticed it is used by me and others to quickly skip past something which is can/must/should/whatever be mentioned. It is a word to help hide stuff. Not sure what I am hiding. My justs are never just. Which is a very funny sentence. A scary one. I’m leaving it in here. Future will tell what it means. Feels like there is something lying its ass off here and I can’t see it. 😀 OMG, well, future will tell. Ok, future is here, it is in the paragraph already, I started off with it; whenever I want to use ‘just’ I skip feelings, that is unjust about it. My justs are never just.

Ok, cooking time and after that tea time and looking up Bach remedies on hope. 🙂

Thank you for reading. I do realise that I unload on this page and it is not elegant. I can totally understand when this is too much for people. I would wish to carry messages of ‘hope’ and baking cakes but that is not the flavour of the dish called ‘Feeling’. I wish it were different.

I am happy that I quit. I, haha, would be such a mess if I had not. 😀 Yeah, realising that things could be way worse. 🙂 Realising that is good.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day.

xx, Feeling

Reminder: online summit ‘Recovery 2.0’

Hi there,

Soon you will not know what to watch anymore! Summit overwhelm! Well, if you got to this page because you searched for ‘addiction’ or you notice you or somebody in your surroundings has a tendency to self-destruct in no matter what way… check out Recovery 2.0  

Also: if you happen to be depressed or experiencing other mental illnesses, quiting alcohol can greatly improve your life. The booze industry usually does not tell you that so I doing that here. 🙂

Hope you enjoy!

I for one am happy that I stopped drinking.

xx, Feeling

Clinging to the non-clinging (?!)

This morning I wrote the previous post ‘Dying is not the problem – sort-of= ish‘ And when re-reading it I found what I had noticed earlier that I write about ‘upholding the status of not clinging’ which, in grown up terms would probably refer to non attachment but in my specific issue here it was not ‘just’ attachment, it was clinging. So I call it clinging.

“Now the practise for me is to maintain and uphold the status of ‘not clinging’ insight in daily life. Ghegheghe….. guess that will take some practise since we live in a world where clinging, wanting, striving is very much stimulated as a tool to ‘make you happy’. “

Did anyone notice the strangeness of upholding ‘not clinging’. Contradictio in adjecto much? To really arrive back again (?) at the place where I had this beautiful, freeing insight I guess I should exactly NOT be clinging to the non-clinging. 😀 New Task. Can be done I guess, it is like letting the train of an urge to drink pass by without attaching. And then for every train, no matter what is on it. Hihihihihi…. easy peasy ?????!!!

” Then what would I do in Life?? If I do not cling, if I do not have opinions? What is left of me?” Shouted the caddis I am. A caddis is a larvae of some insect, it lives under water and gathers all kinds of pieces of ‘rubbish’ which get built into a armour to protect its delicate skin, its life. I feel I do that with fears, with experiences, with well, whatever; building an outer armours to fend new experiences off. To not be touched, not be hurt again. My system reacts as if touching, in the sense of being touched equals pain for me. Seems to be an addicty trait. But disconnecting and carrying rubbish around also hurts. 🙂

Things are shifting, things have shifted in the last 3,5 years. Very slowly the armour gets lighter. Sometimes it gets heavier but that also means clearer. The systems that uphold the armour and the systems which are uphelt by the armer get clearer and lose their energetic intensity. Or, when getting more intense, they also get clearer.

I am still reading ‘There is nothing wrong with you’ from Cheri Huber but now 2-4 pages a day. I’m at the part where I need to understand (WTF) I need to do with my life if I do not criticise myself and put me down.

Live without attachment to the outcome. Or so they say. Currently not exactly sure that is what Cheri says. I’m not there yet. I need to practise the feel of that more in order to continue reading. Possibly I need to re-read stuff. How do other people do that? I have friends who read several books a month. I can’t. Too intense. My cells don’t shift so quickly.

A lot of books are written on the subject of not attaching. I have read a few. I am guessing this is one of those experiences I need to feel through in combination with some exploration by the mind. I am thinking today I found a good experience to remember and hopefully to re-experience. My heart however is still shifted into a cramp and I keep on burping.

It is time to go to bed. In addition to writing the above I need to add here that since a few weeks I am taking added Iodine and some Schuessler salts. The salts are specifically for letting go. Some of them help me lose water weight too. Which…..  I am not sure (I am VERY SURE) if I am fooling myself because I eat a bag of chips and some very salty cheese in really hot weather without drinking a lot and then go ‘Whoops, I need to shed waterweight because my feet are swelling up’. Abuse, just comes easy to me. It could be a song. But I am learning. Right now my heart (!!!) softly tells me: you do not have to write that. No need, let go.

I feel my heart is coming alive again. Today I walked up 4 long stairs and I was a little out of breath and my heart was pumping. My first reaction was fear but then I remembered the pride I used to feel as a child in the strength of my body and everything changed. The air I was taking in was not a desperate gasp but life bringing oxygen. The pumping of my heart not a desperate attempt to stay alive but the strong beating of a heart which joins with the body to do work.

Did I tell you the hug-buddy missed me and invited himself back over. Hmmm, it is like an addiction; stop for a while without really pulling out the root of the desire…. the attachment deepens when you re-connect again. And yes, I know, when it comes to man-women things that comparison could be perceived a little awkward…. But I guess that is the revengeful bitch in me speaking. Pulling out roots. Ghegheghe… did not do that.  That sounds weird too. Gonna leave it in here thought because I resorted to a little aggressive behaviour and this comparison is part of that. Same shit as talking about pulling out roots. Not good. Ramadan coming up next Tuesday, no hugging with the hug-buddy so he says. That is good -> talk time.

I am grateful I do not drink anymore. A few posts ago I wondered about my sobriety. I have reset my wish for sobriety and clarity, newly expressed it to myself and that feels way better. I guess I was taking it for granted like ‘3,5 years no problem, what’s gonna happen to me now’. But that is not sobriety. I need intent to become clear. Move beyond only the not drinking. Not drinking is only a ‘tool’. Or more like an area of destructive behaviour I should not move into when I want to become clear. I guess today the experience of being able to, for a certain amount of time, be conscious of letting go of attachment to my dying brother has helped me with that. Being clear is good.

Thank you for reading. I wish you a good sober day or evening or weekend! Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

The land of no self-hate – episode 5

I woke up this morning and against all odds tried to love myself. Now I think to know this self-hate and destructive behaviour is an addiction as well, things start to fall into place. So now I continue practising liking me, not hating me. Had some lousy tries and some good ones. I also had difficulty concentrating because of the upcoming ‘we need to speak’ talk with the hug-buddy.

I did however have some help in liking myself from the hug-buddy. And I had some insight in the absurd workings of the Universe. AGAIN! It works out the hug-buddy has not only been addicted to alcohol, he also had/has a sex addiction. Hugging does not set his fixation off, it relaxes him. Other things do. He never went into treatment for either of them. He ‘did a geographical’  – moved a few countries away from his abusive wife several years ago and it worked.

To the Universe: how on earth did I, from all the guys in that factory, find the one and only addict? And on my two ‘favorite’ subjects?! And how to continue?

When we are together we hug and touch and relax and do some relatively innocent sexy stuff. I keep my pants on AND my everywhere hair unshaven – unshaven EVERYWHERE. awkward? Yup. Deliberately awkward because I  don’t want to cross borders I do not want to cross yet or at all. I think I need to learn not only to say no, but also to say yes. And do so from the start, not as an afterthought. I am not there yet – dealing with shame, unease and lack of practice.

The hug-buddy is very good at saying what he likes and how he likes it. I want that too. So, that is my practise. I made it his practise that he learns to touch me as I touch him – he likes the way I touch. They all do, I seem to have magic hands – said the boundariless addict I also like the way I touch better than how a lot of other people touch. So he needs to learn to touch and really be present in that touch, at that place, at that moment.  It is so cool to feel him (try to) do that and not have grabby hands which only take and think of satiation.

Lucky him and me…. of all the women he could have chosen I am one who can sense change from non-sex to curious sex, to needy sex, to single-minded taking sex, to disrespectful sex within a second wherever it may happen in the body, mind, feelings or intentions.

He says touching like stroking and massaging of the non sexual areas is ok. So we did that and suddenly, because of the newly found trust in each other it all spun out of control. I do feel alive now. 😀 Yesterday I was looking to feel alive. I do now. However I do not feel proud of having let myself go feeling wise. Nothing happened, but we did put quite some gasoline on the fire so to say.

He says: “If I go into the sex mode I end up drinking and having financial problems in no time.” So what kind of woman am I that…? Well. Ha! Addict trap 2109: “I will help you with this….” And still: my whole body, mind, aura is alive with expectation and desire. Both not good words in the addict world.

If anybody has a title for a book on how to deal with sex-addiction I would be grateful.  I notice that I want to think I have it ‘all worked out’ myself already (not!) but I’m not sure if that is helpful. It actually feels very egocentric of me somehow. Possibly because the addict in me wants to make a pact with his addict ‘because it feels good’. I really, really, really need to get a grip on this because I do not want to take him down because he makes me feel good.

Second thing that happened; he did his ‘we need to talk thing’ and probably a lot of the energy he had put in building up fences fell away. So the next layer came lose: enormous dislike, anger, almost hatred of women of his own age (he is more than a decade younger). I can imagine what he is experiencing; he is tremendously handsome in a ‘Disney prince without a dime, all alone in the world’ kind of way. Girls latch onto that like crazy. But princess attract princesses and those all want something of him; very aggressive, very demanding and very demeaning when he does not give them what they want. Something in that dynamic must have its influence on how he looks upon women.

And now he has given me the feeling of being alive and a basis for loving myself again. And I want that. But at what cost to him? And can self-love filled in by the other? Or is it absurd of me to expect to be able to do everything on my own? Yes Ainsobriety: I am overthinking here. 😀

The addict within me says: “But geeeeez! I just want to be happy!” But I’m guessing there is no ‘just’ anymore when I want to stay sober and I want him to be stable. But am I at this stage using my co-dependency to ‘help him’ and feel better myself? Or should I stop overthinking and go with the flow? Ooooh, no no no no no no nooooooo – hair on, pants on, brain on. Agenda for the next meeting with the hug-buddy: where are the boundaries, what is the safety zone. What happens if these are crossed (playing the tape forward). How to stop us from crossing the safety zone.

Ok, I could have made this a shorter post and some of it is redundant but then I would not have experienced these corners of my feelings/wishes/thoughts. I guess that’s it. By writing stuff down I get to go to the next door behind I find other, new stuff.

So much for today. I am grateful that I do not drink. Today very much so because it made that I have insight in addiction and e.g. did not laugh at the hug-buddy when he came out of his closet about this. Also this gives me a good reason to more structurally work on myself because I do not want to take him down because of my self-hate.

Because of self-hate I need/would like to use others to love me. Sex is an easy way to get my claws into somebody.  And I noticed today that I am familiar with this track and that we can both run down this track very easily. When I do not hate myself I do not want to use people to fulfill my needs for love. I hope. They say that is how it works. 😉

Wishing you a good sober night/day.

xx, Feeling

The land of no self-hate

A lot of time I wonder why I am at home, doing nothing for the so maniest time in my life. However, I do feel that it is needed for me to sink another level back into the truth, to peel another layer of the onion, to work through some reoccurring issues.

Currently I am trying to work out how self-hate works. Years ago I found out that I hate myself because ‘when I hate myself, at least I do something good’. The subject needs looking into because I have been in a very bad place on and off for the last months and I am not sure how to cope with this eternal darkness attacking me. I know it is me doing the attacking – but I did not know how. And somehow I need to intellectually and energetically understand the mechanics of something to be able to deal.

When it comes to self-hate, all I did know is that I have developed it as a ‘safe guard’ between me and my parents, mom in particular. Who, by the way, did her own lot of self-hating too. 😦 I am guessing, if you are in a situation where anxiety, addiction, self-harm and other destructive behaviour shows up, you might want to check out this vid from Teal Swan. Hope it brings you as much insight as it did me. 🙂

And this is the text from the video, if you prefer to read:

Self Hate, The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism

Coping mechanisms are strategies and behaviors that are carried out to mitigate, manage or adapt to anything that causes distress.  If we cope with something, we do so because we feel we cannot change the stressor itself. We have to adapt to it so that the hurt we feel as a result of it is decreased or eliminated.  We would all hope for a world that did not have to be coped with. Alas, that is not the world we currently live in and so it must be said that even though all coping mechanisms hold the potential to be limiting and damaging to a person in the long run, certain coping mechanisms can be more detrimental than others.  And the most dangerous coping mechanism is self-hate.

At first glance it may be hard to see how self-hate could possibly be a coping mechanism.  After all, self-hate can’t possibly decrease a person’s distress can it? The answer is yes it can.  And to see how, we much journey back to the genesis of this coping mechanism.When we look at a dysfunctional home, what we find is that the root of each person’s self concept in the family system is shame.  This feeling of shame has been passed down from generation to generation. It is the primary stressor in the household. Everyone has to find a way to cope with that shame.  The ways they cope with that shame set up the dysfunctional family system and determine what role each person will play in it.

To understand how self hate develops, we must see that if one or more of the parents is dealing with a baseline self concept of shame, a child being different to that parent in any way or even asserting a boundary will trigger that feeling of shame.  It will invalidate their identity, which they already subconsciously think is bad. This is why the golden child in a family will learn to cope by throwing their identity out the window as a strategy to avoid being shamed and ostracized within the family.  They will become a ‘mini me’ as an adaptive strategy to the parent they feel they must please in order to stay safe with.

The child that cannot adapt by throwing their identity out the window and whom can’t find a way to please the adult consistently for a multitude of reasons will be so upsetting to the self concept of the parent that the parent will subconsciously turn against the child.  They may say, “I love you” to this child and try to do loving things for them, but the truth of how they really feel is not what they are presenting on the surface and the truth comes out in all kinds of ways. Their only way of avoiding the shame they feel and the shame this child triggers in them is to emotionally disown the child and deflect that shame onto the child and that child then becomes the family scapegoat.  It is to say, “I’m not bad, you’re bad and you are my problem and now I’m the victim to you, and so is everyone else in the household.” The family can then hide all of their dysfunction behind this “family problem” person and can see themselves as the good ones because all of their focus can be placed on trying to fix what is “wrong” with this person. What is wrong with them is that everyone in the family has turned against them for being different and for not being able to change that.  But the other people in the house can’t see this. This person has become the identified patient in the family.

The experience of being turned against by the very people who you need love and belonging from the very most is so painful it is beyond describing.  And it makes it so the child has no way to feel safe. They feel hated by their family, especially the parent who initiates this shame deflection. They are growing up with an antagonist, an antagonist upon whom their life depends.  And the way a person copes with this is genius in the short term but completely destructive in the long term.

A child put in this position, pushes themselves away.  But they can’t physically do that so what happens is the pushing away of themselves, splits their consciousness in half.  To understand more about this concept, watch my video called Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. When they split their consciousness in half, one half contains the parts within them that they perceive that their parent hates.  The other half becomes a mirror image of their parent… An internal antagonist. This internal antagonist takes over the job of hating them for the parent. It becomes the one that is constantly shaming and criticizing the parts within this person that are seen as wrong and bad by the parent and now as a result, by the person themselves.  This makes the hurt not only controllable, but predictable. And the child believes that by doing this, they might just be able to change the things that are so detestable about them. The person has become their own abuser and hater so that the antagonistic parent is never given the occasion or opportunity to do it. Imagine you were going to go up to someone to hit them and they just started hitting themselves.  What would you do? Chances are, the desire to hurt them would go away. You’d feel on an energetic level that your goal was already being carried out. You would feel like either something is really wrong with them so they must need your help or that they agree that they deserve it to such a degree that they are going to do it for you. This would make you feel validated. This is usually the point at which the parent gets an extra boost of self-esteem through turning themselves into the “false healer” and the child is turned into an identified patient.

As you can see, this self-hating aspect is actually trying to save their life and rescue them from the wrath of the parent.  This part holds the truths of what matters most to them. For example, perhaps what the parent hated about the child was that she was so sensitive.  The self-hating part will constantly criticize and shame her for being sensitive. Because the thought is that with enough disapproval of it, she will either stop being that way or be motivated to fix it.  And this will get her the sense of belonging and safety she wants. We can then tell that the truth this self-hating aspect holds is just how important belonging and safety are and how much she needs those things.  Ideally, we need to figure out these valued and needed things that the self hater is holding the truth of and try to get those things directly in the places that we can get them from.

Self hate is a coping mechanism that is so dangerous because it is a coping mechanism that may keep you safer from the external hater/antagonist, but it leads to constant anxiety because you are living with a part that behaves like an enemy in your own skin.  And it leads to all kinds of dangerous behaviors in the long term. Things like risk taking, abusive relationships, self-destructive behaviors, self-injury and even suicide.

When you find this part within you, see the benevolent reason for its existence.  See that its strategy, though genius while you were living in an abusive environment, is now destroying your ability to live a life that is worth living.  See that the parts of you that this part has turned against, need to be accepted and loved instead. Go directly for the things you were trying to indirectly get by trying to hate these parts of you away.   Give them to yourself and get them from others. The life you want to live is just on the other side of wanting to be you instead of agreeing with your antagonistic parent that you should be someone else.

I am happy that I quit. It has been difficult going but insights like this make me happy :-). I do not know how it works, it gives space, it frees me of darkness. It brings, I don’t know, light? 🙂

I watched the video twice, feeling and remembering my way through what has happened in my life and how self-hate is happening currently. I was able to let go of some parts. Always funny how ‘letting go’ immediately causes an internal clamping reaction and how letting go of that to led me to a land of no self-hate. That is strange. I am and feel totally different there. Realise that I have no clue who I am if I do not hate myself. Breathe, relax and drink water. Feeling my whole body, system, all my energy wanting to hang on to what was. It is time to let go. This also means that I must take responsibility for being here. Ha! That is a ‘ziektewinst’ thing. What did I gain from being the victim of (self)hate? Not having to be responsible.

A woman who loves herself would love herself, get dressed and go out now the sun is shining. Do something. Allow myself to enjoy myself instead of sitting here being stuck in self-hatred. Ok, now I know how it works, I need to change the energetic mechanics of it. Funny how all these behaviours look like addictions. So, ha! I should be able to do that if I set myself to it.

I can see, feel the woman who (forcibly) loves herself stretching out her hand to the woman who learns not to hate herself. One day soon they might meet in the land of living within Love & Peace. ❤

Wishing you a nice sober weekend.

xx, Feeling

2018 is going to be great!

Heya,

Hope you had a good, healthy, joyful start of the year 2018. I did! I quit eating chocolate about 7 days ago, slipped once but wow, I am feeling sooo much better.  I’m BACK! Did and did not know that it had such an influence on me. Gone is the tiredness, gone is the feeling of mweh, gone is the thinking and not doing. Yay!

And this is possibly, in all honesty, also caused by some sexy non-sex with the ex-colleague . And, to that, we have decided not to take it further because of his marital status. He is divorcing her, has been living apart for 3 years now, in separate countries… so… but…. I don’t want to go there. Also, he’s 16 years younger so I keep on getting the feeling that at some point there is no future anymore. And I’m already falling in love with this sweet and dark guy as we go along so – quit before it is too late.

Having another guy sort of sweet talking himself almost into my pants is was sort of complementary – apart from the fact that he too is married. This rascal almost put me back on my old rascal tracks and it was difficult to keep the floozy within in check but hey, I did it. Hurray for not drinking! 🙂 So much better for other people’s marriages…

So, they go, or do not go back to their respective families and I am here with no work and most possibly no benefits either because I am still listed at the Chamber of Commerce as a company. Which is funny because I have paid for the benefits insurance over the last years and I am not active as a company anymore.

However, I felt the energy sucking motion of the online bureaucracy and thought to myself: this is not the path I want to walk. I need to do what I think is right. During a meditation a project which has been in my mind sprung forward and I’m following up on that now. As a self-employed person that would be. I set myself a deadline for the end of january; the main players in my project need to be on board otherwise there is not enough time to arrange all of it. The project is actually about addiction. But a more commercial version of it. Yup, commerce… does that clash with sobriety in your ears/eyes? Not in mine so far since my AF drinks are way more expensive than the beer I used to buy so….. And, with that: the wholesale price must be lower so I’m guessing shops can/could make more money on it. If the turn-over is high.

Whatever, I’m gonna try. And I’m finding that with moving into the world with this I have to deal with my shame. Working on that. :-). Having a hug-buddy who does not drink either helps. Funny how this ‘confirmation of the sober me within an intimate setting’ actually helps.

I also have to deal with stupid people with aggression against the idea of going alcohol free. I’m trying that online currently where I comment on Facebook posts which are either about being sober or drinking. Have any of you done that? I find it quite difficult not to end up in flames. 🙂 But as this is a trial for my project I have turned it into a learning experience. I realise I was the same. I realise that the person who is shouting out and trying to ridicule and shame me over nothing but a suggestion or some data still lives in the fable of Lalaland. He is as I was. I need to learn to deal because if my project works I will be speaking with a lot of people about addiction for a full year and haha, that could .. challenge me. 🙂

NEW: with being less tired, more aware, gone chocolateless (not sugerless totally, substituting with mandarins and pineapple currently, they come out of my ears). I can focus on progressing again. Ever since I got deeply into the chocolate the progress seemed to stop and depression and moaning introduced themselves. Currently on my mind is sticking to the subject when working on the project. Setting goals within the day and then seeing how I lalalalalaaaalalala step away from them. I’m using my egg-timer again. Every time it rings I need to check if I’m sticking to the task. 😀 It might sound funny but this is a very helpful tool.

In line of these ‘stick to the subject’ I am actually starting to think I should edit my posts. In a few years I’ll go back and analyse all the posts and see how many times I said this. Well, there is, within me, a need for organisation. The tile from the former post has made me think that I have hidden myself for way too long. Now, when working on my project I try to keep myself in check and focus on the up and out into the light instead of down and into depression and ‘I can’t, I’m too tired, I’m broken, I’m not enough, it will never work mode’.

Because today is the first day of the rest of my life. 🙂 Anything is possible and if I do not try I will never know.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I quit drinking. In a way sorry that it had to take me so long to try again with the chocolate but I guess that is how it works; if you don’t pay attention to the true inner voices you will not go in the right direction.

I don’t want to have to excuse myself anymore. I am regrowing my backbone. Did some tapping on that. NEW. Works nice. Good tool.

I am happy that I quit, not always liking what I see but getting more at ease with myself. Speaking with the hug-buddy and being open about things, giving myself the time and the authority not to do things which are crossing lines has helped. Being met nicely in that has helped too. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would follow the tiny things in her head more. Like ‘clean the desk’ when it is dirty instead of postponing it. That makes me feel so much better. It gives energy because otherwise I beat myself up over procrastinating and that costs way more energy. And the self-loathing. Pfiew. There was a time where I could deal with those ‘shoulds’ and say a woman who loves herself now chooses to clean her desk / not clean her desk. I will go back there. I keep a list with how I apply my time during the day and in that file there is a column of learning experiences.

I meditate in the morning for about a month now I think. Sometimes a little yoga. And now I’m off to bed because I want to get up on normal times again.

Wishing you a good sober, joyful, inspiring 2018! May your tribe prosper and the gods of sober development be with you!

xx, Feeling

Am I an alcoholic?

I was made aware of this blogpost from Laura McKowen. It is great. Please have a read, please all share. I dream for this to be the number 1 article that pops up when somebody, somewhere in the world googles ‘Am I an alcoholic?’.

http://www.lauramckowen.com/blog/2017/4/15/am-i-an-alcoholic

I am happy that I quit.

xx, Feeling