So……. impulse control…

Today… I told my boss that I think she is bitchy towards me and that I was fed up with it.

Eh… yeah, impulse control. Lacking. Not smart with the type of contract I have. I’m ‘on call’ – not sure what the correct English term is. Jeeeeez, I never knew I was so impulsive.

Well, it did not end all too well, she got to rant about a lot of things and I was not very preperared so my ranting stopped after saying that I disliked the way she communicated almost anything to me. She told me ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen’ which is totally (in) appropriate. I told her that I manage to ask and say things politely and saw no reason for her not to.

Guess years of working on my own finally showed up in not accepting this stupid abuse anymore. :-/ Not sure if it was a smart move. We did however not split too badly. She however did manage to put some doubt in my mind about how my collegues see me which I took up with them. Hell yeah! I was full of adrenaline so when these (big, muscular) guys set down I told them to fucking tell me to my face what their problem was – if there was any, obviously. One guy, one of my best mates said: “You are being played by her. There is no problem. ” I believe him, so I smiled widely and said thank you.

One guy, one who comes in looking (not sure if that is true) almost drunk from the night before, said “Hey, but like, could you not speak to me before 9:00?” He was visibly shaken with realising the results of what he obviously had said to my boss. I teased him with saying things like ‘Yeah, you! Got a problem with me speaking, well you do look like you are still asleep when you walk in.’ And then we got to speak about how bad he sleeps and that he works at another firm too. Must be shitty to sleep so badly that you can’t wake up in the morning. Well, I think he got the message and I guess I won’t be rattling his cage anymore.

mondaymorning.png

And further? The guys where stunned when they heard what I had said. They all fell silent and were astounded but more in the ‘Da fack did you do?!!’ kind of way.

“Why would you do that?!!”
“Well, I had enough.”
“Eh, yeah… and do you still want this job or what?”
“I did not think about that. I was fed up.”
“Eh, yeah…. hmmm, eh, brave. Not smart.”

So I guess that is where it rests. Brave, not smart. Guess I’m still in Gryffindor, not Slytherin.

Tomorrow, on everybodies day off, there is this company event and I am the only one who signed up because I am curious and I did not want to let my boss ‘not have anybody going’. I know how that looks and I thought, well, before today I thought it would be nice. Now, now it is an opportunity to tell her that I stand by what I said but not by the tone and the impulse. And if I get a chance I will also tell her what I appreciate about her and how her directness helps me to get out of the vagueness I was/am residing in sometimes. I hope she can appreciate this. I am very angry with her often, and then when she gets to speak the only thing I hear is loneliness and I don’t want to add to that. 😦 I don’t want to demonize her, eventhough I do. It is difficult, I work very hard. Every day I give what I have eventhough this goes against the ‘logic’ of my contract. The harder I work, the less hours I make but I will not, not ever let that determine my speed or accuracy. I have a collegue who sabotages the workspeed. I very much dislike and despise that (yeah, sorry, this is a post with strong opinions) and I will not let myself go down that road. I would not be able to look into the mirror anymore. But the harder I work, the more comments I get over what is not done (yet).

So…. I am happy that I quit. However, this outbreak is not really a sign of me behaving like an adult. 😦 I guess I will at some day realise what fired this, well, destructive action. I wonder if my 5th chakra development is trying itself out (5 chakra is about being allowed to hear and speak the truth) or maybe, mabye I am self sabotaging because I feel I can’t deal with this current working 9 days out of 10 when I’m having a bad cough and throat infection. To me a throat infection is a 5th chakra thing and I get tension in my throat every time she hands out one of her tricks. 😦

What was good is that I did not lose my feeting and kept my (hot) cool, was not impressed by her bullying and actually was able to hear the content and her heartache. Which surprised me again. Need to take care that I don’t try to ‘analyse’ her – that will probably not go down very well.

Hmm, I have written this post to here, spoken with my SIL who, in cases like this does not usally agree with me – so she’s good to speak with. And still I have NO clue as to where this outburst came from. Please let me have your vision on this if you feel like sharing.

I wonder if there has been a built up of not accepting her authority. But I’m not sure. I would be disappointed in me if that would be the case.

WWAWWLHD? She would draw up a list of things she would like to say to her boss, how things effect her. But she would also the very good things she is grateful for and tell those too. She would actually start with those. I would like to say: “I am not your enemy and I feel that the mechanisms of I don’t know what seem to turn us against eachother. I don’t want to go down that road. It does not do you or me and you and me justice. I like it here and eventhough you and I know I will not be growing old in this function, I have been, and asssume I will be here to give the best of me and help you succeed in growing this business with all that I can offer.”

Guess I want peace and openness. Well, not a usual business strategy but let’s see how that works out.

I need: to relax and sleep well. And I seem to need to do something with the cat. She is all over the place. Guess I need to relax. 🙂

I take: some Schuessler cell salts against my sinus infection, cough and throat ache.

On sugar: did I say I made it to a week or so and then ‘relapsed’ :-(. I can’t find the entry into understanding it. Yeah, yeah… well, dunno. It it a scary process. I thought I would be done but I’m not. I realise now that I think I do the same thing as I did with alcohol but that is not true. I don’t read about it, I don’t research, I don’t do a the free online desensitization training (it exists!). Pfff, I also feel like I’ve got too much going on. But I also think that I can’t get a clear head about my future because I still -and here I wanted to type ‘drink’ and indeed, that is how it feels- but I don’t drink, I eat sugar. Back to 100 grams of 72% dark chocolate a day together with about 15-20 dates. Yes yes, that’s not going to make me lose weight. With the work I do it does not make me gain either though.

I want: things to be easy. A shitload of fuck-you money so I can quit my job and not learn what I need to learn. No, I would not want to quit, specifically now I still don’t have the feeling I am ready for something new. And I would miss the guys, they are nice, and the daily routine. I would not miss the girls so much because they do not speak a lot of Dutch, very little actually and no English.

Happy that I quit. Not so happy with what I learn about myself. 😦 Wish I was perfect so I could never be attacked anymore. 😦 Guess that is what it comes down to. Crying now.

xx, Feeling

Advertisements

Medium dark night of the soul

Soooo…. the body – mind – Self connection keeps on doing its thing. The night after I wrote the former post with a tremendous list of hypochondriac responses to all kinds of normalities in my body I was utterly wasted and slept horribly. On the one hand I was happy and felt freed of a terrible burden. Writing out this list has made it clear to me that I ‘might be overdoing some things’. But my systems did not seem to be able to handle the freedom of thought and went into panick mode; ‘DF!!!! I’m sick, I’m gonna die!!!

somedaywewillalldie

Do you recognise this pattern? Where insight in the one thing IMMEDIATELY boosts another process or a similar process in an even heavier, darker version? Well, park that thought there. I got ‘out’ by returning to what I call awareness. Where I go to that place in me where I am aware that I am panicking and can sort of detach from it. Realise that it is ‘just’ (?) ‘learned’ (?) ‘behaviour’ (?). All the quotes mean to indicate that I have not yet found the words for what I mean there. The ‘just’ refers to the insignificance of it all once I am aware. But I tend to think it is not insignificant and has a function otherwise it would not be there. Currently I’m thinking that the function of it all is to keep me away from being aware. Awareness is HORRIBLE. So I learned the next day. I was all in pieces to begin with and then at work… Aaaahrg!!! Boss was in a panick mode and everybody got whacked. There was a consultant on the floor working on new products and somehow he seems to get to her. She starts ordering everybody around and telling them off on a tone which, well, should not even be reserved for little children. I was working in another room, it is sound proof and having fallen to pieces and trying to well, maintain aware in order not to crash…. jeeeeez, I felt all these bursts of energy happening and the tension building. It was overwhelming and I had no barriers left to protect me, no go to system in place so it was a tough day. At one point one of my co-workers walks, his face totally red hot: ‘Believe me, one of these days I’m gonna kill her!’

Normally I would laugh, maybe, pet/slap him on the back. I guess to break the thought pattern and well, work as a sort of lightening rod, reminding somebody that there is humanity too. This time I just stood there and all these emotions of being caught up in a job with a boss like that, it was horrifying. This specific guy does not see a way out, thinking because my boss has devalued him long enough that he does not believe he is capable anymore. Both of them doing their destructive, double bind dance together. 😦

At the end of the day I was exhausted, went to bed and fell asleep. I woke up feeling tense and sick. I tried to move to awareness to get out of it and my body would run back into another and another and another symptom of whatever disease. Tension building and releasing and building and releasing and all so very, very ‘feelable’. Even the tiniest muscles moved and relaxed when I became aware that I had carried the tension to another place. Again and again I had to move out, relax, realise that I was ok and BANG! go right back into tension and sometimes even panick mode. At some point this whole ‘Idea’ or dunno, concept (?) of what being human is was so utterly clear and overwhelming – I felt like I travelled through every cell and the whole Universe at once.  It felt like I had been in this hallucinating state of being for hours. When I looked at the clock only 2 hours had past since I went to bed. It was a weird night.

So… awareness. Don’t wish too hard. :-/

I am happy that I quit. Life is a bit tough currently. I’m a few days before my 18 months sobriety and I feel the same tension as I did when coming up to my 1 year. I think I can detect fear of failure of not being able to ´meet that date´. From day 1 I have realised that thinking ahead about (not) drinking brings me in trouble. I feel like I spread myself thin and in that energetic move I can not support my decission to not drink. Not that I want to drink. It’s just, dunno, in that move I start to doubt myself. Guessing if I did NOT put any value on any date I would not have a problem. I do however feel like I should celebrate something. Or… possibly not because I assume I should/have to/better be sober for the rest of my life. So how does 18 month count in that perspective? Aah, yes, it counts as a reminder that I have been trying to look after me better. To adult :-).

On sugar: I had tried another no sugar time and fell of my horse again. Don’t really remember why. Do remember that the fog had lifted and that things became too clear. Not sustainable yet. All this awareness business….

On money: I informed the boss that I could work 5 days from now on. That is not set yet but a stupid coincedence leads to me being on the only free day of working 9 days out of 10, 6 days to go. Not good.

WWAWWLHD: ghegheghe, go to bed now, not set myself stupid targets of filling out the full list of stuff. On the other hand: it is not a stupid list. It is a list which has kept me sober over 17 months plus. Ok.

I take: some Schuessler salts on I forgot what. Decalcification, nettle rash, loose stool, throat infection. And I need to learn more about this stuff because it seems like if I take on thing for one symptom other symptoms pop up. Like adding one mineral depletes the other.

On awareness: awareness sucks but it is the only way. It is like sobriety. Well it is sobriety. Blègh. NOT FAIR! NOT READY! I don’t want to have to do so way much more than other normal people do. Ooh, btw: funny comparison makes me think of the bookstore man. He’s gone of the face of the earth. Closed the bookstore. People don’t know where or when. I sent him a message by Facebook. Funny how I wanted to say goodbye and then thought he might be in trouble and send a message like ‘Saw you closed the store. I can only imagine that must be difficult. I know I’m not at the top of your friends list but if I can do something, let me know’. Have not heard from him, guess I won’t. Not sure if I want to. Can’t even handle myself. 😦

I forgot what else was on the list.

I need: sleep.

I want: sleep

Wishing you a beautiful sober week.

xx, Feeling

I have a body / my body has me

That was a thought which popped up a few mornings ago: I tend to think I have a body, and following that thought pattern I am often pretty irritated that it does not do what I want and that it scares me because of perceived / imagined disfunction. Not sure why but this morning there was an opening to think ‘and my body has me’. With that switch of perception I realised that I treat my body very badly. I’m always complaining, always looking down on it, always disliking it for being too fat, always eating what ‘I’ want to eat, not what my body wants. Ha, my body wants to go outside sit in the sun so I’m off.

Well, this is what I wrote a few days ago, now I’ll continue the post. Since then I have been trying to find kindness and relaxation for my body. A few weaks ago I had a tiny flue and luckily I could still get to work and do the main part of my job where I assemble a specific item. I went home after a few, 2 or 4 hours. Boss said: “Take it easy, work at the speed that you can work at.” Which…. actually allowed me to relax. That was good. In that relaxation I had a talk with my body which basically replied: “You worry too much, you put stress on me all the time. I can heal myself perfectly, it is just that you get in the way with your thinking and your stress.” Ever since I try to relax over the full list of (imagined) illnesses that I have. I will take a moment to draw up a list. You might want to skip them because it is not very elegant to read. Rephrase: it is VERY NOT elegant to read. I feel great shame and want to ridicule myself, make stupid jokes to get rid of the tension around it. 😦 From bottom to top:

  • I have a wart on my feet, it must mean I have ‘growth’ thingies and that obviously means that I have a tendency to get cancer. For sure. If I don’t already have it.
  • I have swimmers feet, or how do you call it. Hardly any left since I quit drinking but still it is a sign of yeast growing so…. I must be poisoning myself and OMG, the sugar is so bad -> worry about acid-alkaline balance and all that comes with that (cancer, osteoperosis, rheumatism, diabetis, did I say cancer already? Arthritis…)
  • My feet and ankles are stiff in the morning when I get out of bed, can’t bend my feet very wel for the first 10 steps to the toilet. They also make a lot of noise. The stiffness is OBVIOUSLY caused by swelling due to a bad acid-alkaline balance and that means that it is the onset of rheuma or another auto-immune disease. It also reminds me that I might work and walk and stand all day… I still do not do my yoga. Which is obviously a reason to punish myself over, belittle myself, doubt my progress (EVERYBODY is doing yoga, why not me? While I actually know the benefits of it and should stretch at least the shoulder which was frozen for half a year (is not anymore due to adjusting of these little bones in my back and some excersices and some Schuessler salts – and/or maybe because they generally take 6 months to heal 😉 )
  • Sometimes I scratch my outside hip because it itches and where I scratch I get nettle-rash. Which…. has a LOT of causes, amongst which very deadly ones. I’m thinking mine is parasites in my bowels. I actually think that is true but I can not pay for the test I need to take for the doctor to determine what parasites there are. I think 3 different kinds. (Don’t ask how I know. Ok do. I did a Scotch tape, outside body cavaty, microscope check.) The medicine to fix any of these can be bought cheeply anywhere BUT: I took one of them and immediately developped all side effects like hives and it was nasty and I got so scared of the annafalactic shock which is on the list of side effects (free simple worm medicine, and ooh, by the way; if it does not suit your body you might die if you don’t go to hospital, and even if you do, you might die…) Yes yes, typical hypochondric reaction. I know. But this is me and it is what I need to deal with so….  Blegh. I’m going to work 5 days a week because by now I can get a ‘weekend feel’ even with the divided weekend we have and… I need the money.
  • Every so now and then I get an infection in the netherparts. I’m thinking it is worm related. Gosh, this is getting to be a really nasty read…
  • I still have ‘loose stool’. Have had this since I started living in this house, 14 ish years ago. Obviously that could be worm related. I spoke about it with my GP1 2 years ago and she assumed that, because I was still drinking, I might have an infection in my bowels. Which is, I would say a fair assumption. Funny thing is: I still have loose stool. Practical but it also scares me because I think I am not taking up all the nutrients that I need to take up. Things sometimes come out at the same day I eat them = not good. Since I started to think that I am actually bothering my body in healing itself I start to think/realise that there might actually be a relation between my inability to like ‘set boundaries’, and ‘keep things out’ and the character stiffness I have developped in that and the ‘dislike of taking stuff in’ might have actually been translated to bad small and big intestine workings. I think I lacke soupleness in any ‘door’ function in my life, be it physical, emotional or spiritual. I get overwhelmed and/or lash out; there is little inbetween. Well, obviously it has gotten way ‘better’ since being sober but there is still this basic mistrust of the world, the people and the food in it and how these influence me.
  • The loose stool is sort of lightly coloured which means I do not produce a lot of bile. Also it leaves marks in the toilet which means it contains a lot of fat which means that the fat is not broken down which is also an indication of not making enough bile. Obviously, there is that word again, obviously that means that my liver is NOT functioning (AT ALL!!!) which means that I must have liver cancer or at least liver chirrosis. Do I have yellow eyes or skin? Nope, not even yellow veins in the white like I used to when I drank. Did the GP3 feel the liver and notice stiffness? Yes she felt, no she did not notice stiffness. Did she run a bloodtest and did it come back clean and functioning? Yes she did. Well, ever since the doctor felt I do not have pain in my liver anymore. I’m guessing that was psychosomatic too :-).
  • I have musclepain in my back, on the right side. First I thought it was pancreatitis, or OBVIOUSLY, pancreas cancer. But that solved itself quickly because the pancreas is on the left side of the body. So I was back to liver cancer. It might, might, might, be a side effect of the re/displacement of these tiny bones in my back. It could also be breast cancer which grows to the back. Or lung cancer. It does coincide with me working so it could, could, could also just be muscle pain from lifting one sided all day in a not too warm environment. But that would be, not sure, that would be awfull because that would mean that I am just not strong enough. (?????? – sorry I don’t make this up, this whole post is about confused thinking)
  • My breasts: have lumps. Lumps like crazy. Always had them. Sometimes they drive me CRAZY. Since my mother had breast cancer at age 42 I ‘need’ to be checked every half year – year. I have not been for 5 or 6 years eventhough the last photo showed something funny. I can’t deal. And truth be said: I would rather die of it than go into a hospital ever again. Hospitals to me are not a place of healing, they are a place of death. A death trap with poisonous ‘medicine’ and people who either do or do not know better. They scare me because I am a whimp but also because I have this intense feeling, well, it goes to the bone, that it is not GOOD. It is not about healing. To me. And sorry to all who work there and who’s help I have had and guess will be needing and getting and then I will change my hypocritical mind immediately. Don’t know. They scare me to the bone. Everybody I know who has died has been in and out of hospital for a long time and I guess I just connect the two. 😦
  • On my breasts and on other areas of my body I have ‘birthmarks’ which actually started showing up in the last years of drinking. The are irregular of shape and uneven coloured -> skin cancer. OBVIOUSLY. Funny thing is: lately the largest one which was 1cm in largest diameter has shrunk to 5-6mm. So I don’t really need to check them, they will go away anyway (or so). I have a friend (hi!) who also reads this blog ever so now and then: Don’t get upset, or do. But I’m NOT going to see a doctor about this.
  • My heart palpatations stopped when I stopped OD-ing on chocolate. I was free for 2-3 weeks, then went totally sugar free but relapsed the other day. Which in itself is a totally different subject and post. It is bedtime here so I’ll stall the subject.
  • My throat: ever since I quit smoking 20 years ago I have this morning coughing up thingies and my throat is sore. My mind runs to ‘throat cancer’ or bronchitis or tonsillitus. Isn’t is bad that I know all these disease names in English and I’m guessing I even write them correctly-ish without spell check?
  • My left shoulder was frozen and is unfrozen now. Which is nice because I actually thought I had cancer growing over the tendons. OBVIOUSLY.
  • I have nettle rash / hives every second day on my wrists, hands and underarms. It starts at around 18:00 hours. As I said I’m thinking now that it is parasite related.
  • My nails are brittle and my hair is ‘falling out’. I went to the GP for that. She had half of the hair that I have so there was little convincing her of my case. She was replacing my GP for some reason but I also told her I am hypochondric and that I don’t want that to confuse either me or her in the process. I came up with 10.001 reasons why this was a very serious case of this throat thingy cancer. Or that I might be losing my what you call it, that I have no eggs left, and OBVIOUSLY that would mean I would have to take out the spiral thingy because adding estrogene (can’t find the English word in my mind now) to a women after she has become infertile is a cause for cancer. Estrogenes are class 1 carcinogenic when given after age 50 something. We settled for me going back to eating some more protein and trying vegetarian food later when we had worked out where the hairloss came from. Also, she believed that me saying that I stress out over it and that I think that badly influences my hair is a thing too.  Ghegheghe, I tried to convince 5 friends of my case of hair loss yesterday over dinner. And then I said: but I am also a bad hypochondriac and 5 people, at the same time said; ‘Yes.’ Very quitely, but all of them. Guess that eh, sort of settled it. :-D. Btw; my hair is not falling out, it seems to be getting thinner hair by gray hair. And softer and less curly, so I guess that gives less volume. :-/ I realised that my pride, my vanity is in my hair. After my boobs dropped now 6cm with getting sober I feel like ‘losing my hair’ is too much to ask. 😦 I’m using neem hair oil I still had left from my mother when she lost her hair over chemo. Hmmm, guess thinking of that sort of puts things in perspective. :-/

So while writing this I try to feel the stress that I put on my body and the respective body parts and it is TREMENDOUS. This constant anxiety / fear / stress. This constant sort of shallow breathing, not panting but never inhaling deeply because if I do not conciously relax there is this band around my ribcase.

I get irritated lately with sobriety because there are so many discoveries I make but there seems to be no time / I take no time to investigate deeply and let things settle / write / discover / find out / let things fall into place / fix / heal. Obviously my posts have, since the beginning been listst of NEW stuff but I want things to sort of come together somehow. I feel lost in this land of tiny discoveries. All of them are important but I still can not seem to follow through. This is how addiction is still present in my life. I dislike it. But I guess this is another one of those things that I came to do here in this life, to learn to follow through because that is a very underdevelopped thing in my life.

I am happy that I quit. And happy that I did step past my shame and listed all these ‘obvious’ deadly diseases that I carry. It does seem a bit overdone. Thing is: when I relax I actually feel very healthy, I’m almost at the point of pre-teen healthy. That was a tremendously healthy good time. And then my grandpa died of cancer. The booze and the hormones came. And my mothers cancer. And the fighting between my parents. Ok, and the abuse of the more adult body. And school and first confrontations with inabilities in learning. Those were new. And smoking was there too. These views, they come to me so clearly now. I need to let them go. It is time.

A women who loves herself would go to bed now. 🙂

Hope you are enjoying your sober day. I watch 1 or 2 vids from http://www.recovery2point0.com a day. Check it out if y0u have not heard from it. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Further free online summits

Natural medicine (on leaky gut, yeast etc) started the 15th at http://naturalmedicinenowsummit.com/

Home grown food and medicine starts the 7th of March  at http://www.homegrownfoodsummit.com/

I am happy that I quit, eventhough…. I have had some tiny doubts about that and that is funny to see that I wrote about 3 posts not taking time to realise how happy I was that I quit and Tadaaaa! In walks the doubt. I even, in 17 months plus forgot to make my bed yesterday. Making my bed in the morning is when I well, make my bed and at the same time think of sobriety and how happy I am to be sober and to want and be energetically able to make my bed. Forgot it. That is strange. Not good. Need to refocus. Doing so at Recovery2point0.com e.g but I need to look inward as well. Not now, now is on the bike to work time.

Have a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling

Current free online summits

Starting Wednesday the 17th of February: Recovery 2.0 

Starting Monday the 22nd of February: Tapping World Summit 2016

Starting Monday 7th of March, (un?)wise guys and gals saying (un?)wise things: www.gamechangerglobalsummit.com

In view of this last summit you might want to read this article from WakingTimes aswell. It is a more or less political take on two subjects but what I find most interesting in the question: should a spiritual teacher have a sober lifestyle yes or no? Be a popular spiritual star yes or no? Well, even Jesus 2000 years ago had to think about that. 🙂

Please note: these sites all have free subscription. The paid subscriptions allow you to view the content longer and in some cases give you extras like extra information.

Having said that: if nobody would pay there would be no income. Unfortunately I currently can not even consider contributing but I hope that I, by spreading the word, can add a little to their succes. Check it out. I am curious after all three of them. Let’s see how to manage online – offline time balance in February – March.

Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

Onslaught

A beautiful post from Teal Swan (the inventor of the wwawwlhd?) who (un?) fortunately again and again shows us that the clearest insights grow from the darkest misery. This post is about dealing with what we perceive as nasty behaviour of others. She is an artist in ‘staying with what is’ and what I would refer to as feeling her way through life AND the ‘what is in the way is The Way’ approach of life. Seeing the darkness from which this all stems it is hard to actually applaud but as a byestander to her life I would say: hats of for her courage and her beautiful intention to be clear and true. It is the greatest gift, one could not wish for more in a person.

Click the link below, subscribe to her posts and have a good read,

xx, Feeling

 

Source: Onslaught

I adulted!

The other day! I adulted! My boss, she said something about work and it was negative, can’t remember what so I asked: “When you say that, I get the impression that you think I am a slacker. Is that what you mean?” She looked surprised for a tenth of a second but did not want to show that and replied: “No, I do not think you are a slacker, I do think you lose focus ever so now and then. I am here to help you with that.”

“Ok, thank you.” At which I smiled a genuine smile and she a proud superior one which changed to genuine immediately. It made me realise that she must get a lot of BS from everybody.

I think she is absolutely right in me losing focus sometimes, often. And I went there to get back in the working life and one of the things I lack is concentration and focus. She sees that and in her own special, ok, sometimes very special way 😉 she ‘fixes’ it.

The other day I had an experience where I, in reality realised that I would not have been so very different when in her position. It is my (by others informed) idea that position in a company very much determines how one reacts. When I (incorrectly) heard that my boss had invested 700.000 dollars in the place I immediately thought ‘Ooh, she’s very mild then…’ Well, anyway, our products were up for a randomised laboratory test which means that several products of our lots would be picked out to be send to a lab for inspection. I was working as normal(ish) and minding my own business when a collegue dropped by and started fiddling with my product. I said “Nooooooo!” in a warning voice and he continued fiddling. What we do is very precise and I know I can work very precise, I Very Much did not want him to set anything off. Next thing I know is me feeling a stinging pain in my fingers because in a reflex I slapped him on his hand so viciously that now, more than 4 days after, I still have a ‘dead’ feeling in one of them.

Yeah, take a breath. In this situation I did not adult so very much. He grinned and walked on. These guys are tough so it did not seem like there was much harm done but wow! I was all over the place trying to keep all these pieces of my aura together which had just fallen apart in this total dress down of my idea of me. Naked truth, it litterally felt like that. I realised a lot of things all at once: my childhood had given me this reflex as a normal way of dealing – my mother used to slap me accross my fingers with the same focussed energy but it was the first time that this came out in me – with the disclaimer: while being sober. Secondly, that I was / am afraid so much of what the test would bring that this would set me on edge so much. These levels of stress below the levels of ‘not caring’ or ‘thinking that I am ok eventhough the situation is crazy.’ And thirdly: I am not so much different from my boss. When I go for it, I go for it. And last, but not least I was ASHAMED. Ashamed of showing such a lack of control, ashamed of condemning my boss while actually she only puts things in words, I have never seen her hit anybody other than jokingly. Which in itself shows a whole new level of accepting the crazy in the company. Yes. Ashamed. I cried. Again, silently in my own little corner, thinking, guessing, hoping nobody would see. It took me like 15 minutes to gather myself together, walk up to the guy and tell him I was sorry that I has slapped him so hard. Yes, yes, not that I had slapped him, but that I had slapped him so hard. He was testing my limits with the fiddling and it was ok that he found them. But I should not have hit him so hard.

He laughed and said “Aaaaw, ghegheghe, are you still thinking about that?! Don’t worry, no harm done. You make life too complicated.”

“I am ashamed.” (and I started to get teary 😦 )

“Ghegheghe, don’t you worry so much.”

Which obviously is the ultimate guy answer to anything but I guess he meant it.

Today we spoke about it. I commented on something being dirty and he said “My god, you start to sound like her!”

“Yeah, I am afraid that is so. I realised there is a whole new layer to me the other day when I slapped you accross your fingers. I’m guessing that I have the same determination when it comes to proving myself.”

“Yeah, well, nothing wrong with perfectionism.”

“No, no, I guess it should not lead to slapping but I actually start to understand where she comes from ever so now and then.”

“Yeah. She is working on giving you a better contract by the way. But you don’t know that and you certainly did not hear that from me. Question is: are you happy with that? Or should you be?”

“I am not sure. I have been trying another approach to what I experience. I have spoken to her on how I experience what she says. I felt very, very adult :-D. She told me I sometimes lack focus. I think I do. I came here to get that back. I think it is working.”

“Yeah, until she starts yelling again and we are all back to zero.”

“Yeah….. that is possible. I am a perfectionist and an idealist so I won’t give up too easily. It generally means I am in for a lot of rough confrontations and downfalls though. :-D”

“Ghegheghe, yep.”

“We shall see. :-)”

So, this is how things are currently at work. And… I need to get my life in order because I am not making enough money to sustain myself. The company is closed on a weekday, meaning that the ‘weekend’ only exists of 1 day when I work 5 days. I can’t deal with that. I could work 5 days, but with a 2 day weekend, not with 2 * 1 day off. And if I do work 5 days in this situation…. I kick out another guy who does the one day… so hmmm, that is, dunno, that would be the second one that gets kicked out because of me. Does not feel right.

Another person, well actually two of them I could not care less about. One of them attacked me with a story on how he thinks women showing body parts, ‘titties’ and decoltage should be raped because they are asking for it and they should be punished. When I told him that idease like that are not cherised in The Netherlands he answered that where he comes from everybody thinks like that so I told him to fuck off to his own country. He ‘replied’ I was rascist and thought my ideas were superior because I think white people have superior ideas. “Well, yes, I do think that the idea of not raping people is superior to raping them so repeat: fuck off you sick mind. And ooh, no, that has got NOTHING to do with you being black. Only and only with your sick mind and sick ideas. And by the way: everybody here dresses in 1 minute, you are the ONLY one here who stands in your bare chest showing off for at least 3, if not 5 minutes. No matter the temperature. So you might want to look into your own double standards first before you start raping others.”

Ghegheghe, ever since he dresses in 2 seconds. I told my boss he was getting on my nerves and I gave her the reason. I don’t think that conversations like that should go unmentioned. Personally I would fire him straight away for threathening. Not sure what the boss made of it, she did make some snide comments to him on changing her attire because she would not want to trigger him into having to rape her. Not sure if she was making light of the situation or that being as nasty as I could have put it. Male collegues said I should not ‘take the bait’ and ‘let him talk, he’s all talk’. Which is wise, probably wiser than my feelings of wanting to cut his balls off. :-/ I guess I scared the male collegues with the fierceness of my reply. They were saying things to him like “You muslim extremist! What’s next? Women should cover their hair, ooh, why not wear a jabala!” Btw, he’s not a muslim extremist, he’s some christian extremist, funny enough in a relation with a Jewish women. Who haha, pays his bills. That must hurt. I appreciate that thought very much. 😀 That’s what my male collegue said afterwards: “Don’t lose your energy on this, he’s a loser and feeling it. He’s got all this big, big ideas and finds himself here and is disappointed about it.”

“There is nothing wrong with being here and there is nothing ‘loser’ about it but yes, he’s taking his stuff out on others, not sure why he is trying me though.”

“Just don’t react, he’s not worth it.”

The other days when he tried talking about it again he was blocked by the guys who shut him up.

So yes, it was unsettling, arguing with him left got me almost litterally fired up wishing I could beat the crap out of him. Guessing the subject of these weeks has been ‘aggression’.

Aggression…. aggression comes around when things fall apart, I get scared and need aggression to hold together all the pieces that just went floating about. Obviously, with my background this is a pretty heavy trigger. And not trusting that my collegues would step in made it worse. They did, but only after a while when they had enough of it all. I guess they had not seen that side of me yet.

When thinking about it now I think that it is my karma to deal with issues like this. Disclaimer: please note what I am about to say is my own personal belief on how I think things work in MY life and it must not be misunderstood for me blaming any victim of anything in any way.

I think that the subject of sex and aggression combined, as in abuse e.g. are energetically laden thingies that I carry with me because I have not dealt with them. As long as I carry these with me, people who have a trigger there will attract to me, in a good or a bad way. I think he has a trigger there as well. He keeps on ranting about ‘homo’s’ and how ‘they force themselves on anybody’. Utter nonsense in my idea and I have, again, in a very direct way told him, well, I can be nice about it but I actually tell him in so many different words to keep his stupid mouth shut. Always finishing with “Seeing you are black I would assume you know what it is to be discriminated against.”

If nobody speaks up when somebody says something discrimanatory, one might think we / I agree.

Aggression. 😦 Guessing, guessing it can only come up now I feel more secure in my job. And, not very proud of it but I am thinking this is how I tend to (want to) clean out the nest. Sort of a cuckoo’s mentality. I’ve seen in with people coming into a new department, it takes them a while but indeed, after 3 or 4 months they start to disagree with their place in the social ladder and try to throw others out of the nest. Well, obviously I think I have been given EVERY reason. And obviously, lacking female collegues with an outspoken character this focusses on the males and haha, obviously that must be sex related in a very bad way. It is all so logical and still I get sucked into it every time and time again. Well, not every time. Day after we had this ‘conversation’ on women who should be raped he tried to get the subject going again. Male collegues stopped him and I succesfully did not hear anything he said.

I finished of dissin’ him with being utterly normal to him afterwards, doing whatever I would do other days as well. I sort of compartmentalized it. Took me a few days to succesfully cut the threads but there it is: a stand alone situation I can look at from a lot of sides, sort of walk around.

Did I tell you my word of the year is Awareness? And obviously everything goes unaware ever since. Well, again:

‘The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.’

And that is how it seems to work with experiences with me: I tend to want to, need to take it to an absolute rock-bottom before I can do something about it. I ate myself through a kilo of dates in 1 week. Not good. Does not make me as sick, chocolate now does, obviously ‘tried’ it again the other day. And, again, obviously found that I can either do without or go all in.

Awareness: my definition of it is finding the place which notices how I feel, how I react. That place which is not connected to those feelings but sees them as ‘happening’. It feels like a pretty safe place. Not sure if I disassociate or ‘become aware’. They don’t tell you that in the yoga book. 😀

So, I think I got my model of me worked out: in the core there is Awareness. (Edit of later date: in the core there is Self and Self can be Aware, Self has a body etc.) Awareness has a body, the body has a mind and feelings. The mind is for thinking and working daily stuff out. The feelings are for succesful living and helping people on their path naturally by resulting in happiness when people take the sustainable path and misery when we take the unsustainable path. The body also has an energy system which I am not sure how it is coupled to Awareness/Self or to the body. I have the idea it is a communication system. Feelings is energy flowing with a certain force in a direction or stagnating, or hiding, retracting, going out, breaking into pieces, holding together, pushing, pulling – all these terms I believe which come from the bio-energetics direction of the natural healing possibilities. When there are unprocessed feelings about situation then the energy is very active in a certain domain – therewith drawing attention to that domain from the person and others. Running into shit because of that = karma. Karma is not a punishment, karma is a natural result of the way Nature has set us up with our energetic system. Health = energy flowing, being flexible, logically applied in a healthy way and amount. All other => unhappiness and I am thinking even physical illness.

I think the aware part is the part that carries over to other lives, if there is such a thing. I also think that getting to go to that aware part makes it easier to deal with life. But haha, that is where things get messy for me; the addict within DOES NOT WANT AWARENESS! He (yeah, he’s obviously a he… denial is big :-D) wants to not feel.

“Why don’t you want to feel?”
“Because it hurts.”
‘What hurts?”
“Everything!”
“When?”
“Always!”
“That is sad. Could I help you in any way?”
“NO!”
“Why?”
“It hurts! You come help me one day and the next you will leave me anyhow. Again!”
“Is that what you think?”
“Yes!”
“Would you believe me if I promised I will not leave?”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“Because you will! You have been here and we have had this talk before and you have left and not come back. You are not trustworthy!”
“You are right. I am sorry but I also know that is a sort of empty sorry because I do not think I can change it easily. I don’t want to come here because you hurt and I don’t know what to do. Who are you, anyway?”
“I am hurt.”
“Yeah.”
“I am hurt, you left me because I was hurt. You leave me because I hurt you, you say. You don’t really want to speak with me because I hurt you and tire you out.”
“I am very sorry to say, I really want to help you but not at cost of me. How come you live within me”
“I am the pieces you don’t want.”
“You are pieces of me?”
“Well, yes, sort of. You don’t like me so you put me in this cellar and make me not exist but technically I am part of you too.” (edit of later date: here I felt like there was integration starting to happen where the part in the cellar started using ‘my’ type of language with the intruduction of ‘technically’)
“I mean, if you hurt, why don’t I throw you out?”
“That is not how it works, because you are me. You have done a lot to chuck me out, flush me out with drinking. Netflix me away, eat me away, fall in love, create financial drama, create health drama – all to not feel me.”
“So, well, you look pretty much ok to me. What is it that you are hiding?”
“That is funny, you fear more child abuse experiences, but it are not those experiences that you put here. These are different ones. Ones to do with pride, with humility, with not accepting your limits as a human. This last piece of incarnation you speak about, the answer is here. You just have to go through the process of letting go of your pride, of the thought that you need to be special. Accept humility as a place to live from, not as a thing you have to go through because others are mean. That is not humility, that was humiliating but it is not humility. You need to learn service otherwise you will keep on throwing sand in the mechanics of time and energy. You need to learn to not force your way. Keep in touch with awareness when you walk through life so you can see easier what is real and belongs on your path and what is a distraction. You think it is difficult, but it is just the natural way and you can learn it. Practise it. Go to the neutral space, look at the emotions running through your body, look how you tend to want to live in the mixed up state of them just to be not aware. Just to not have to do that last bit of your incarnation; realising this is TRUTH, this is what it is. No! Not ‘how special you will be when you can be more aware than others!’ YOUR PATH IS YOUR PATH – NO COMPARISSON IS CALLED FOR. And yes, that is very fucking lonely. But that is not important either.”

I notice when in that place, I feel ‘things’ the addictive feelings drop away and it feels as lonely as the first day without cigarets or beer. So again, this is where I need to maintain connection to me.

I also realise that I am very tired so I’m off to bed. No spell check. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Can’t imagine anymore how it was to be drinking. Which I guess, in itself is a dangerous state. Sounds like a trap. Next thought would be: might try one, just to see what it was like. Not going there. Ha, going to bed. That is wawwlhwd. 😀

I also realise now that my body is not content with my eating habits. Ate cheap cheese on crackers this evening, my hands are swelling up like crazy. Must contain something funny. Did I say I’m off to bed? Wishing you a nice night/day/weekend. 🙂

xx, Feeling