I adulted!

The other day! I adulted! My boss, she said something about work and it was negative, can’t remember what so I asked: “When you say that, I get the impression that you think I am a slacker. Is that what you mean?” She looked surprised for a tenth of a second but did not want to show that and replied: “No, I do not think you are a slacker, I do think you lose focus ever so now and then. I am here to help you with that.”

“Ok, thank you.” At which I smiled a genuine smile and she a proud superior one which changed to genuine immediately. It made me realise that she must get a lot of BS from everybody.

I think she is absolutely right in me losing focus sometimes, often. And I went there to get back in the working life and one of the things I lack is concentration and focus. She sees that and in her own special, ok, sometimes very special way ๐Ÿ˜‰ she ‘fixes’ it.

The other day I had an experience where I, in reality realised that I would not have been so very different when in her position. It is my (by others informed) idea that position in a company very much determines how one reacts. When I (incorrectly) heard that my boss had invested 700.000 dollars in the place I immediately thought ‘Ooh, she’s very mild then…’ Well, anyway, our products were up for a randomised laboratory test which means that several products of our lots would be picked out to be send to a lab for inspection. I was working as normal(ish) and minding my own business when a collegue dropped by and started fiddling with my product. I said “Nooooooo!” in a warning voice and he continued fiddling. What we do is very precise and I know I can work very precise, I Very Much did not want him to set anything off. Next thing I know is me feeling a stinging pain in my fingers because in a reflex I slapped him on his hand so viciously that now, more than 4 days after, I still have a ‘dead’ feeling in one of them.

Yeah, take a breath. In this situation I did not adult so very much. He grinned and walked on. These guys are tough so it did not seem like there was much harm done but wow! I was all over the place trying to keep all these pieces of my aura together which had just fallen apart in this total dress down of my idea of me. Naked truth, it litterally felt like that. I realised a lot of things all at once: my childhood had given me this reflex as a normal way of dealing – my mother used to slap me accross my fingers with the same focussed energy but it was the first time that this came out in me – with the disclaimer: while being sober. Secondly, that I was / am afraid so much of what the test would bring that this would set me on edge so much. These levels of stress below the levels of ‘not caring’ or ‘thinking that I am ok eventhough the situation is crazy.’ And thirdly: I am not so much different from my boss. When I go for it, I go for it. And last, but not least I was ASHAMED. Ashamed of showing such a lack of control, ashamed of condemning my boss while actually she only puts things in words, I have never seen her hit anybody other than jokingly. Which in itself shows a whole new level of accepting the crazy in the company. Yes. Ashamed. I cried. Again, silently in my own little corner, thinking, guessing, hoping nobody would see. It took me like 15 minutes to gather myself together, walk up to the guy and tell him I was sorry that I has slapped him so hard. Yes, yes, not that I had slapped him, but that I had slapped him so hard. He was testing my limits with the fiddling and it was ok that he found them. But I should not have hit him so hard.

He laughed and said “Aaaaw, ghegheghe, are you still thinking about that?! Don’t worry, no harm done. You make life too complicated.”

“I am ashamed.” (and I started to get teary ๐Ÿ˜ฆ )

“Ghegheghe, don’t you worry so much.”

Which obviously is the ultimate guy answer to anything but I guess he meant it.

Today we spoke about it. I commented on something being dirty and he said “My god, you start to sound like her!”

“Yeah, I am afraid that is so. I realised there is a whole new layer to me the other day when I slapped you accross your fingers. I’m guessing that I have the same determination when it comes to proving myself.”

“Yeah, well, nothing wrong with perfectionism.”

“No, no, I guess it should not lead to slapping but I actually start to understand where she comes from ever so now and then.”

“Yeah. She is working on giving you a better contract by the way. But you don’t know that and you certainly did not hear that from me. Question is: are you happy with that? Or should you be?”

“I am not sure. I have been trying another approach to what I experience. I have spoken to her on how I experience what she says. I felt very, very adult :-D. She told me I sometimes lack focus. I think I do. I came here to get that back. I think it is working.”

“Yeah, until she starts yelling again and we are all back to zero.”

“Yeah….. that is possible. I am a perfectionist and an idealist so I won’t give up too easily. It generally means I am in for a lot of rough confrontations and downfalls though. :-D”

“Ghegheghe, yep.”

“We shall see. :-)”

So, this is how things are currently at work. And… I need to get my life in order because I am not making enough money to sustain myself. The company is closed on a weekday, meaning that the ‘weekend’ only exists of 1 day when I work 5 days. I can’t deal with that. I could work 5 days, but with a 2 day weekend, not with 2 * 1 day off. And if I do work 5 days in this situation…. I kick out another guy who does the one day… so hmmm, that is, dunno, that would be the second one that gets kicked out because of me. Does not feel right.

Another person, well actually two of them I could not care less about. One of them attacked me with a story on how he thinks women showing body parts, ‘titties’ and decoltage should be raped because they are asking for it and they should be punished. When I told him that idease like that are not cherised in The Netherlands he answered that where he comes from everybody thinks like that so I told him to fuck off to his own country. He ‘replied’ I was rascist and thought my ideas were superior because I think white people have superior ideas. “Well, yes, I do think that the idea of not raping people is superior to raping them so repeat: fuck off you sick mind. And ooh, no, that has got NOTHING to do with you being black. Only and only with your sick mind and sick ideas. And by the way: everybody here dresses in 1 minute, you are the ONLY one here who stands in your bare chest showing off for at least 3, if not 5 minutes. No matter the temperature. So you might want to look into your own double standards first before you start raping others.”

Ghegheghe, ever since he dresses in 2 seconds. I told my boss he was getting on my nerves and I gave her the reason. I don’t think that conversations like that should go unmentioned. Personally I would fire him straight away for threathening. Not sure what the boss made of it, she did make some snide comments to him on changing her attire because she would not want to trigger him into having to rape her. Not sure if she was making light of the situation or that being as nasty as I could have put it. Male collegues said I should not ‘take the bait’ and ‘let him talk, he’s all talk’. Which is wise, probably wiser than my feelings of wanting to cut his balls off. :-/ I guess I scared the male collegues with the fierceness of my reply. They were saying things to him like “You muslim extremist! What’s next? Women should cover their hair, ooh, why not wear a jabala!” Btw, he’s not a muslim extremist, he’s some christian extremist, funny enough in a relation with a Jewish women. Who haha, pays his bills. That must hurt. I appreciate that thought very much. ๐Ÿ˜€ That’s what my male collegue said afterwards: “Don’t lose your energy on this, he’s a loser and feeling it. He’s got all this big, big ideas and finds himself here and is disappointed about it.”

“There is nothing wrong with being here and there is nothing ‘loser’ about it but yes, he’s taking his stuff out on others, not sure why he is trying me though.”

“Just don’t react, he’s not worth it.”

The other days when he tried talking about it again he was blocked by the guys who shut him up.

So yes, it was unsettling, arguing with him left got me almost litterally fired up wishing I could beat the crap out of him. Guessing the subject of these weeks has been ‘aggression’.

Aggression…. aggression comes around when things fall apart, I get scared and need aggression to hold together all the pieces that just went floating about. Obviously, with my background this is a pretty heavy trigger. And not trusting that my collegues would step in made it worse. They did, but only after a while when they had enough of it all. I guess they had not seen that side of me yet.

When thinking about it now I think that it is my karma to deal with issues like this. Disclaimer: please note what I am about to say is my own personal belief on how I think things work in MY life and it must not be misunderstood for me blaming any victim of anything in any way.

I think that the subject of sex and aggression combined, as in abuse e.g. are energetically laden thingies that I carry with me because I have not dealt with them. As long as I carry these with me, people who have a trigger there will attract to me, in a good or a bad way. I think he has a trigger there as well. He keeps on ranting about ‘homo’s’ and how ‘they force themselves on anybody’. Utter nonsense in my idea and I have, again, in a very direct way told him, well, I can be nice about it but I actually tell him in so many different words to keep his stupid mouth shut. Always finishing with “Seeing you are black I would assume you know what it is to be discriminated against.”

If nobody speaks up when somebody says something discrimanatory, one might think we / I agree.

Aggression. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Guessing, guessing it can only come up now I feel more secure in my job. And, not very proud of it but I am thinking this is how I tend to (want to) clean out the nest. Sort of a cuckoo’s mentality. I’ve seen in with people coming into a new department, it takes them a while but indeed, after 3 or 4 months they start to disagree with their place in the social ladder and try to throw others out of the nest. Well, obviously I think I have been given EVERY reason. And obviously, lacking female collegues with an outspoken character this focusses on the males and haha, obviously that must be sex related in a very bad way. It is all so logical and still I get sucked into it every time and time again. Well, not every time. Day after we had this ‘conversation’ on women who should be raped he tried to get the subject going again. Male collegues stopped him and I succesfully did not hear anything he said.

I finished of dissin’ him with being utterly normal to him afterwards, doing whatever I would do other days as well. I sort of compartmentalized it. Took me a few days to succesfully cut the threads but there it is: a stand alone situation I can look at from a lot of sides, sort of walk around.

Did I tell you my word of the year is Awareness? And obviously everything goes unaware ever since. Well, again:

‘The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.’

And that is how it seems to work with experiences with me: I tend to want to, need to take it to an absolute rock-bottom before I can do something about it. I ate myself through a kilo of dates in 1 week. Not good. Does not make me as sick, chocolate now does, obviously ‘tried’ it again the other day. And, again, obviously found that I can either do without or go all in.

Awareness: my definition of it is finding the place which notices how I feel, how I react. That place which is not connected to those feelings but sees them as ‘happening’. It feels like a pretty safe place. Not sure if I disassociate or ‘become aware’. They don’t tell you that in the yoga book. ๐Ÿ˜€

So, I think I got my model of me worked out: in the core there is Awareness. (Edit of later date: in the core there is Self and Self can be Aware, Self has a body etc.) Awareness has a body, the body has a mind and feelings. The mind is for thinking and working daily stuff out. The feelings are for succesful living and helping people on their path naturally by resulting in happiness when people take the sustainable path and misery when we take the unsustainable path. The body also has an energy system which I am not sure how it is coupled to Awareness/Self or to the body. I have the idea it is a communication system. Feelings is energy flowing with a certain force in a direction or stagnating, or hiding, retracting, going out, breaking into pieces, holding together, pushing, pulling – all these terms I believe which come from the bio-energetics direction of the natural healing possibilities. When there are unprocessed feelings about situation then the energy is very active in a certain domain – therewith drawing attention to that domain from the person and others. Running into shit because of that = karma. Karma is not a punishment, karma is a natural result of the way Nature has set us up with our energetic system. Health = energy flowing, being flexible, logically applied in a healthy way and amount. All other => unhappiness and I am thinking even physical illness.

I think the aware part is the part that carries over to other lives, if there is such a thing. I also think that getting to go to that aware part makes it easier to deal with life. But haha, that is where things get messy for me; the addict within DOES NOT WANT AWARENESS! He (yeah, he’s obviously a he… denial is big :-D) wants to not feel.

“Why don’t you want to feel?”
“Because it hurts.”
‘What hurts?”
“Everything!”
“When?”
“Always!”
“That is sad. Could I help you in any way?”
“NO!”
“Why?”
“It hurts! You come help me one day and the next you will leave me anyhow. Again!”
“Is that what you think?”
“Yes!”
“Would you believe me if I promised I will not leave?”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“Because you will! You have been here and we have had this talk before and you have left and not come back. You are not trustworthy!”
“You are right. I am sorry but I also know that is a sort of empty sorry because I do not think I can change it easily. I don’t want to come here because you hurt and I don’t know what to do. Who are you, anyway?”
“I am hurt.”
“Yeah.”
“I am hurt, you left me because I was hurt. You leave me because I hurt you, you say. You don’t really want to speak with me because I hurt you and tire you out.”
“I am very sorry to say, I really want to help you but not at cost of me. How come you live within me”
“I am the pieces you don’t want.”
“You are pieces of me?”
“Well, yes, sort of. You don’t like me so you put me in this cellar and make me not exist but technically I am part of you too.” (edit of later date: here I felt like there was integration starting to happen where the part in the cellar started using ‘my’ type of language with the intruduction of ‘technically’)
“I mean, if you hurt, why don’t I throw you out?”
“That is not how it works, because you are me. You have done a lot to chuck me out, flush me out with drinking. Netflix me away, eat me away, fall in love, create financial drama, create health drama – all to not feel me.”
“So, well, you look pretty much ok to me. What is it that you are hiding?”
“That is funny, you fear more child abuse experiences, but it are not those experiences that you put here. These are different ones. Ones to do with pride, with humility, with not accepting your limits as a human. This last piece of incarnation you speak about, the answer is here. You just have to go through the process of letting go of your pride, of the thought that you need to be special. Accept humility as a place to live from, not as a thing you have to go through because others are mean. That is not humility, that was humiliating but it is not humility. You need to learn service otherwise you will keep on throwing sand in the mechanics of time and energy. You need to learn to not force your way. Keep in touch with awareness when you walk through life so you can see easier what is real and belongs on your path and what is a distraction. You think it is difficult, but it is just the natural way and you can learn it. Practise it. Go to the neutral space, look at the emotions running through your body, look how you tend to want to live in the mixed up state of them just to be not aware. Just to not have to do that last bit of your incarnation; realising this is TRUTH, this is what it is. No! Not ‘how special you will be when you can be more aware than others!’ YOUR PATH IS YOUR PATH – NO COMPARISSON IS CALLED FOR. And yes, that is very fucking lonely. But that is not important either.”

I notice when in that place, I feel ‘things’ the addictive feelings drop away and it feels as lonely as the first day without cigarets or beer. So again, this is where I need to maintain connection to me.

I also realise that I am very tired so I’m off to bed. No spell check. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Can’t imagine anymore how it was to be drinking. Which I guess, in itself is a dangerous state. Sounds like a trap. Next thought would be: might try one, just to see what it was like. Not going there. Ha, going to bed. That is wawwlhwd. ๐Ÿ˜€

I also realise now that my body is not content with my eating habits. Ate cheap cheese on crackers this evening, my hands are swelling up like crazy. Must contain something funny. Did I say I’m off to bed? Wishing you a nice night/day/weekend. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Less perfectionism and life

Ghegheghe, just realised that I did something totally NEW!!! I send out a date invitation for my new course for the end of this week or the beginning of next week ….. while I have not even finished the content. ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe. I have NEVER in my whole life done that. Is it smart? Don’t know. I have never done that. I guess I am less anxious about failing, more sure of my ability to draw something up. Well, it is a basic course. I should be able to draw it up in 2 days. ๐Ÿ™‚ย  And I don’t have time to stall. We shall see.

I am on day 10 without sugar, I lost 2 kilo’s in total. The cravings/urges get less but I also do not notice when I am hungry anymore and then it hits me when I almost I fall over. That is strange, today I went 6 hours without food, strange. Not sure if it is a no sugar effect or if it was already there and a side effect of one of the Schuessler salts I used to take. So I really need to get back to setting the clock to see if I should eat, otherwise I work, work, work, work, work and …. work. And it is really good that I have this blog because up to now I had not noticed that I do that. Isn’t it intriguing how addiction works? Drop alcohol and watching films, move into sugar and blogging, drop sugar, move into working. Hmmm… working is good, but I moderation is still a thing. Working on it, sort of ish, it’s more that right now I get dizzy and my head is spinning with too much focussed screen time since 9:00 this morning. And the learning I do is: ‘Aaah, I did it again! I know I should not do this.’ So I need to take the other step tomorrow and plan what I will be doing when tomorrow and plan free time and outside exercise time too. I’ll get there.

I fear: that I might not get there before the money runs out. If I were to pay all outstanding tax and rent I would not be eating now. So that’s a bit of a…. bummer? :-/

I want: things to be easy, somebody coming up to me and offering me a book deal for my technical work and at least 10.000 in advance.

I need: to get my head out of the sand? Don’t know. Really don’t know. This weekend I went garden shopping with the husband of a friend. My friend hates it but I loved it and it was to this very special ecological place. It was beautiful, I had a really good time. He too, but he was seriously shopping with lists and Latin names of plants, I just assisted with the carrying and the sorting the strongest plants – for 3 hours…. :-D. As a gift he bought me 2 bags of eco sand for my pots. ๐Ÿ™‚ Yeah! And… he carried it up the stairs, they were about 25 kg, each so I was VERY HAPPY with that. When he was gone I cried because I was so happy with this large tiny gift that it hurt. It has been a long time that I have just been given something material, been taken care of without having to ask. I need to be able to unburden. I can’t. No parents, little family and not the sort of chique problems I can unload at the doorstep of a friend. ‘Hey, I lied to you about being depressed, well I was but actually I was addicted to alcohol, I blew my own projects and am without money now.’ Hmmm. Not exactly without. So there is still hope but yeah.

I am proud: I will change this category into, What went good today. What went good today: I slept so deep that I slept through a sms. That is NEW! I started the day with reading in a good book instead of Facebook (which has now become work :-/) and that is good because I need to get away from this screen. And I just saw my neighbours getting home,ย  carrying a big bag of all kinds of fried food and so drunk they needed to support each other. When I said ‘Enjoy your dinner.’ She answered; ‘It’s my third day on a diet, so that’s going well….’ย  I thought I was slow on the progress, but I am making progress. I am there were I have chosen not to drink and actually have got a little grip on my funny eating habits and can change them because I would love to be healthy, not because I hate my excess femininity. That is good, that is progress all over.

I spoke a junior friend of mine, a friend of hers is in serious trouble with abusive caretakers. The girls don’t speak about it. The mother of the abused girl knows but she says her daughter is making it up to get attention. From what I hear I think the abuse is true, it is all wrapped up in this child-logic ‘If she tells, they will say she is making a fuss and then they’ll say that she is too unruly to go home.’ And ‘She is very sad, she does not want to live anymore.’ They make photos now of the bruises. The abuse includes a dislocated jaw. :-/ I had a rough time with taking this in today. Then I decided. I will just do what needs to be done: get advice from people who know how to handle this and leave it with those where it belongs as soon as possible. And NOT let it throw me of balance. The thought in itself is new and good. And yes, this situation is exactly what I do not need now, but that is not how it works is it. :-/ My physiotherapist said: sometimes situations return to your life because you yourself have unfinished business. I guess she’s right. Another thing: take care not to project my teenage issues on the girls. :-/ I have difficulty with this world.

I am happy that I quit drinking. Not as happy as I was in the beginning. I am at the second wave of ‘if it is this easy, I’m not really addicted.’ It is a TRAP! I know! And no, I don’t want to drink, but there is something eating away my resolve. I don’t like it but I can’t find where it is coming from, just that I am too tired to keep this resolve up all the time. I guess I need to learn to relax there where I can. I have not done that yet. Hmmm, I am still trying to live at maximum resolve but I think don’t need that when I’m at home, or sleeping? Do you have something like that?

I take: nothing, yes, eco dandelion salad to up my bile production. It is lovely.

Hope you have a nice sober / clean night and day.

xx, Feeling

How is addiction present in my life?

Before watching: the Facebook pages are nice photo’s with inspiring texts and the comments say things like ‘you are so wonderful’, ‘you are so inspirational’ and ‘this is so deep’ etcetera. And then it continuous with a real lousy life. Exactly like I feel today. Tryingย  to get my life in order and it is not working! AND IT SHOULD WORK TODAY! NOW! ๐Ÿ™‚

What happened? I promised the addiction counsellor that I would pick up The Plan again AND do a big part of my admin AND do 1 application and 1 contact for a possible assignment. I am doing it but also getting frustrated with myself. And then somebody through Facebook sends me this vid out of nowhere. Watch and laugh, or cry. Not sure yet… It is a beautifuly, insightful video / sarcastic piece of shit. Not sure either. ๐Ÿ™‚

Happy that I quit. If only because otherwise I would still be drinking and have to carry bottles out.

PS: The man being dressed as a women is not an addition to the story (or maybe it is). It is just the format of the series.

Dream of drinking

Last nights dark shadows do disappear in the light and I am happy for that because even though I know living with them, facing my fears is the only way to leave them behind me, sometimes it can feel like too much. And there is a concept that needs looking into: me thinking that ‘it should all be over’ and not accepting things as they are. I call that my ‘I want it all and I want it now’ streak. Very addicty. Needs looking into.

But not now because I want to blog this dream I had last night. I dreamed I was at school happily studying and my father popped up. He and I have not been in contact for 7 years now. Funny thing is that in my dream he looked exactly as he look(ed) when we were in contact. And I felt exactly how I have always felt and never was aware off: the pull of family and the guarding myself against the next attack on whatever I hold precious in me.

I managed to turn around in time before he saw me and disappear and be safe in the crowds. NEW, normally crowds would pull away and deliver me to him. That kept on going for a while and I was not worried when he finally saw in a corridor of the school. I ran away, knowing he could not follow very quickly because of his recent seizures. There were two buildings in the school, one was old and one was new. I liked the new building better and almost everybody was there. But in running I got lost in a maze of unfamiliar corridors of the old building. OLD: a lot of my dreams have a maze in a building or city and I always lose the way . I thought ‘I need to get out, get to the new building’ and I continued to run and feeling my way out, making decisions on the turns by instinct while in the meantime building up strength in case I would meet my dad. It worked.ย  And that is NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW.

I lost my dad in the maze up in the attic and when I finally came down to the cantina I bought (or stole, not sure) a can of beer because I had deserved it. There was this big internal battle going on that I easily lost, because I had been through so much and succeeded that I was allowed to forget about it. So I took a sip and another one and I thought: ‘You have one chance left: DISLIKE IT NOW!!!!ยด and I disliked it and I put it away. NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW. ๐Ÿ™‚ And the city changed into Dubai where you are not allowed to drink and all the people on the streets have this ยดno drinkยด aura and that made it easier.

Iยดm easy with my dreams: I take them face value and sometimes extend just a little when it fits the feeling. So I am scared of my dad but have learned to value myself enough to save me and feel my way out of the misery. Also the dream tells me that I am not ready to face him. And last but not least: I still think / again think that drinking is a good idea but I still had a last trick up my sleeve I had no actual knowledge of – so that comes from deep within and that is good. Very good. And NEW! ๐Ÿ™‚

The ‘only’ thing I don’t understand about the dream is the next part where I wanted to get a bus away from the school to make sure my dad would not catch me and demand me to be his daughter, his property. But there were only taxi’s that I found too expensive. Of course those Dubai people had shitloads of money so they did not care. And btw, they were all disapproving man, that irritated me. Both thoughts are OLD as well. Ha, can’t imagine that ever changing. But that is a different subject, or maybe it is the same.

Well, step by step, one day at the time.

Happy that I quit, even though it is difficult to be sober and face what’s flooding back. Today I am not happy because quitting is rewarding, or maybe I should make it rewarding by practising to be happy…. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Today I am happy in a not-unhappy way that I am getting to points where things ‘need changing’ and that when I stay sober I don’t have to do these last 2,5 months again. That is a sorry sort of happy but that is ok for now.

Feeling cocky

Yes. That’s it, I have come to another stage in dealing with my addiction and this time it is about feeling cocky.ย  Thinking: if it is this easy I might as well have another sip – see if it really is that bad. No fuss, just drink like a normie and get on with my life.

Not good. I know it is a Big Trap. Happy secretangel got to the subject before I was even aware I had it. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am getting curious. Or lazy, or bored, or tired. I feel I put more control on my intentions than needed to, I don’t know, prevent cravings? Suppress drink think? I don’t know. I do something, I call it vigilance, and I use it not to drink. It is a continuous scanning of intentions, thoughts, feelings, wants, likes, dislikes, cravings and actions. I am getting tired of it.

I would like to relax without having the feeling that I relapse in seconds. I fear addiction is this time bomb inside me so parts of me still can’t relax. And because I get tired of that I am trying to diminish the drinking ‘Maybe I was not addicted, maybe I was just a heavy abuser. Didn’t that doctor in the movie say that real addicts only ‘think drink’?’ This is trap 512: how to mis-use knowledge to diminish ones drinking. In combination with trap 45: not realising that these thought only come up because the whole drinking thing is an addiction. I don’t have this thoughts about bell peppers and I have not eaten bell peppers since I quit. So ha! Uncovered those traps.

Shit. I am addicted.

Well, happy that I quit. Proud because of quitting has gone out of the equation a little while ago and has not returned yet. Thinking again that learning to relax is an important thing. And again: learning to trust me. But how can I trust me if I am addicted? Addiction is cunning. I think it is smarter than I am. Look it in the eye I guess, that will show its true character.

And while I try to focus my internal eye on the addicted life I lead I want to turn away. Sad now. The loneliness of it, the sadness, the prison, despair, meaninglessness, emptiness, the illusion, the trap, the drowning of feelings. ๐Ÿ™‚ Ghegheghe, I chose my name well. Feelings should not be drowned. Trust my feelings. Aah, again, the focus should not be on ‘not drinking’, the focus should be on living clear. ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s it.

Shoving it out there

Time. Time. Time. Time is a good concept and I screwed it up within me.

Twerski says people with addictive thinking mess with time (in their heads). I feel it has to do with shoving stuff out of the way. I did the lying, the denial and dodging consequences by changing plans. Plan and results / consequences are measurements of time, they give meaning to time, or? And I did the drinking more to not feel the feeling of doing things wrong. I am still doing it. I don’t want to be crisp and precise, it hurts, it shows me how I am lacking. I don’t like people that are crisp and precise, I feel stupid and guilty around them. I used to be crisp and precise. That was long time ago. Need to get back to that.

I thought I had let go of friends that would support drinking when I would finally quit. But I notice now that I hung on to people that are not precise. And I have let go of people that plan well and really make something of their life. I feel they don’t like me anymore because there is always something wrong with me and there is always a reason why I am not succesful with my own enterprise. I say ‘tired of doing it all by myself’ and ‘depressed’ and those are true, but in fact it was drinking and drinking. Now it is repair and repair.

So, in order to get back on the horse I need to be aware of the shoving and ditch it. (nice… ditching the shoving…) Face what is really happening with me. I am afraid. I can’t. Tried a little yesterday. It was horrible. The guilt is unbearable, don’t even dare to go there. GP1 said: ‘So the shame about your addiction prevents you from doing something about it. That is not very logical….’ So I quit, it took a while from there on but I kept that thought with me along the way. I feel what I do now is the same stuff but I can’t work it out. Can’t get my brain around it while it feels like it is right in front of me. Aah, I need to repair and get a healthy concept of time again but the guilt I feel over messing this up keeps me from getting healthy. There you are. ๐Ÿ™‚

I think by now. well, by yesterday, I was hoping I had build me a bypass by happiness. I just quit and left the guilt and the feeling bad about the shoving for what it is. Guilt is not usefull, but it is there, and it needs to go, or be transformed, or what do you do with guilt? Because it shapes my actions and thoughts in a bad way.

Time to let go of the free floating structure of The Plan and make it precise. See what happens and what comes on the road. Am I ready to do that? I would be delighted to be able to do it. But I am not looking forward to the work that goes into being precise and not doing the shoving. Feel I need to read the Tibetan book of living and dying again. To me that is about feeling my way through choices. No. Trap 1: No other subject. Trap 2: No reading. Doing.

Don’t you come near my white tower!

Twerski again. Not sure how to read this book. The crux is obviously not in the just reading it but in the doing stuff with it, discovering errors in thinking and internalizing a new, healthy approach. That is what I want. Well, that is what I was looking for.

And then I read it and I go berserk. First paragraph of the Foreword. Berserk!!! Not even written by Twerski. Feel attacked, feel like professionals in their white tower trying to make money of addicts.* I continue and very much dislike his tone and the way he has this smirk about how smart he is and how he knows it all. Projected, obviously but I don’t even have the quiet in my hands and head to pick up the book and look for an offending sentence – which in itself is a stupid thing to do but if I found one it would prove me right and that would be Very Good because if I am right I am superior!!! . Yeah!!!

It is quite well, not fully informative yet, but at least quite surprising how I sit here having a fight to this extent with a book and a man I don’t know. ๐Ÿ™‚ Shiiiiiit.

Just googled him, that settles my anger. He is this beautiful man with a white beard and in none of the photo’s he looks to say ‘I am Mr smarty pants’. I just see peace and quiet. Now I can read. Guess I have to start over again. ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

*And I did a, not so much Freudian slip, but a slip of some sort with this sentence. This was the first version of it: ‘Feel attacked, feel like professionals trying to make money of addicts in their white towers.’ Ghegheghe. ๐Ÿ˜€ Don’t you come near my white tower!!!

Happy-ish that I quit. Not proud of my aggression. And disappointed, thought that everything was going easy-peasy, works out that I actually have to do stuff. Again! Pfffff…… ๐Ÿ˜‰