What is denial? How did you deal with that?

I just read a beautiful post at A Hangover Free’s blog. A men sends in a letter to a newspaper about his 26 year old alcoholic daughter. He, his wife and daughter live in one house and the daughters addiction linked behaviour is getting out of hand. A person who seems to be very familiar with addiction, denial and the (family) dynamics around this replies to the man’s letter. Please read here.

The whole situation made me think about my own drinking and how strong the denial about the problem was.

I still have no clue what-so-ever as to what words people could have used to make me see my drinking was a problem. Until I myself began to see it as a problem I just denied everything. Well, I have literally known from the first drink that I would get addicted but with that thought the denial already set in. I wanted to drink. Well, maybe I did not want to drink but I DEFINITELY did NOT want to be me. I wanted to ‘not experience being me’ in a very destructive way and I immediately felt that alcohol was the ‘right’ tool for that.

At my first, second or possibly third drink something ‘split’ away from me. Something I did not want to have true. It moved away from me and sided with all the other separate stuff I had unloaded on this, well, non-existent ‘me’ who walked beside me. Actually, come to think of it, this whole pack of unprocessed, denied memories and energies actually has a place next to my body; it walks at 4-5 o’clock behind me. And then there is this hurt part which I am aware-ish off which I have lifted up in the heavens. That comes with me at 1-2 o’clock at arms length above me. Do you also have these ‘not tangible’ ’emotional’ ‘storage rooms’ around you?

This is the first real day of my holidays. I have difficulty grasping the concept of it. The other day I was telling my neighbour that I would bring extra food (left overs from lunch) home from work because ‘That is so handy in the holidays, so I don’t have to cook.” Today I called the office for them to check upon a machine because there has been a little child running around my dreams for 3 days nagging me about the thing secretly not functioning. Sigh…. I did not ask for confirmation. I really need to let go. That, and only that has been my goal of the last days; relaxing in what I do. Eat chocolate like crazy? Take off the blame. What would a woman who loved herself do now? She would not eat chocolate. Can I not eat chocolate? No. I can not. But I can not hate myself for it. That is when rest settles in. In that rest I can experience the ‘restless energy’ which makes me grab the chocolate again, it actually feels like a frightened girl child trying to sooth itself rather mechanically. :-(. Wonder where she came from. Funny thing, me sitting here wondering if that is me. In a post about denial. I think to know it is me. Ha. But that is the brain only. There is no recognition in senses, in feelings. And before you (i!) know this whole experience slips away from me into, what? another compartmentalization. Life is a funny something.

My theory is that anything we do is based in the idea that it is good for us. So I prefer(ed?) denial over truth because I was somehow convinced that it would bring me less harm. Less shame, less guilt, less pain than knowing what my drinking was doing to me and my surroundings. Untill that balance is broken I find (I guess anybody finds) it difficult to change my behaviour. Unless we (i!) become conscious of what we (i!) do and how we (i!) react we (i!) apply coping mechanism after coping mechanism on everything we (i!) can not come to grips with. Then there is another natural rule: we like things easy and automatic, which is why things do not easily become conscious.

And a third rule might be that we live in a society which has unconsciousness as God. From anything to everything, we like it unconscious; we eat food made by unconscious people who do not care about the consequences of their actions upon animals, crops, water and fields and future. Look around in a supermarket and 95% if not more of what is available does not qualify as food; calorie bombs with chemicals and no nutritional value. It is detrimental to our health and we would be better, healthier and happier without because is does not add to us, worst; it ruins us.

We wear cloths of which the materials have been grown in fields with people who get diseases and miscarriages because of the pesticide big companies use on the cotton crops. Their water supplies are depleted and their land is wasted, never to be used for food again. We live in cities where the noise and distraction levels are so high it is difficult to even hear our own thoughts or sleep at night because of the light pollution. We are chained to anything which is digital, non-human, non-natural. We overfeed ourself with digital, visual and sound impulses till late after bedtime and call this life. We wake up moaning and demanding coffee to counteract the restless sleep that happened.

We bore out the second it gets quiet. Our standards for living are so ‘high’ that we need 2 jobs in a family to support the house, the 2 cars, the holidays, the clothing, the everything. Children get tucked away in schools, pre-school care, after school care, summer camps and whatever classes we see fit for them to take to ‘let them develop’.  But few of them actually get their 2 hours of physical play in open, unpolluted air which are a minimum for healthy physical, social and emotional development. We are pacified from birth to seniority by pacifiers, ADHD medicine, television, game computers, phones, internet, booze, drugs, all kinds of medication for mental illnesses up to our dying age.

Within one generation from visiting people by walking over to them and using the backdoor to step into the house without knocking we have gone to being offended when somebody actually calls – instead of ‘apps’. Our relations are digital, we share all of our life in pictures, blogs and emoticons online but a phone call is an intrusion of ‘privacy’ – not so much because they are actually intimately involved with anything at any time but because we are so overfed that it is an effort to really connect to a person at any given moment.

We live far away from what has been natural for thousands of years. When we get ill, which we do, have no doubts about that, we go see a doctor and get ‘medicine’ which are as synthetic as our lives and we are surprised we don’t get better. Or worst: we develop other illness as unfortunate ‘side effects’ or we get addicted to them.

/ Ok, Thoreau mode off.

And still; you know this. I know all of this and do I change? Nope. Well, yes, a tiny little bit. I minimized meat intake to once a week, not buying any, just eating 2 bites of chicken at work because it is in the lunch. I still eat cheese like crazy. I still wear cotton clothes, 2nd hand most of it. I live in a city. It drives me crazy. I will become ill of it, if I not already am. If this, this spilling my heart out on the internet is not already very much a symptom of the disconnected world I experience AND contribute to. Denial is everywhere. And I do not even know how to change. Baby steps Feeling, baby steps.

Oh, by the way, I do know how to change: by giving up all addictive behaviour I have. But I don’t. I guess I do not like consciousness because above is the floodgate of dislike, of hate, of experiencing displacement and powerlessness which opens up whenever I really start thinking about life.

Then, when I take a step back it looks like an addict all-or-nothing trait. Like talking the world upon my shoulders but not even being able to take care of my chocolate intake. Something with a serenity prayer ;-). What I write when in Thoreau mode is not untrue, it is just, well, I can only change what I have influence on and it is of no natural use to me to worry about things I can not change.

How did I get off track? Hmmm… Well, denial is/was so strong because my addictive part is (was!) absolutely convinced that it would be disastrous to not drink. Only when I found myself in the darkest of nights and where the disadvantages grew I could not muster the strength anymore to keep up the walls of denial and truth came seeping in. Which is only a logic result to how the Universe is organised. If I do not set boundaries to destruction, the outside world will do it for me, eventually.

quote-in-nature-there-are-neither-rewards-nor-punishment-there-are-consequences-robert-green-ingersoll-283891

goodjudgmentcomesfromexperience

I had no clue as to how to stop destructing myself and then somebody in a car drove me off my bike while I rode it on a pedestrian crossing. His anger towards me enormous and he was an enormous guy, even for a Dutchy. But I only saw him and what he did as a reflection of my own destruction. And that is what shook me: “My self-destructive habits have taken me over and others are acting upon it.”

Obviously he had NO right at all to actually yell at me for him not seeing me (yes, that is what he did). Or drive me off my bike at a pedestrian crossing. Or not even see me there. I mean? Well, that aside. But I am thinking this whole experience was not about that. It was about the Universe making me ready to give in. Or me caring so badly for me that it was not unnatural to be hit by a destructive force from the outside. Weaklings in a group get picked out and are preyed upon. I went to the GP to check on the arm which had a wound. Or I was ready to take this as a lesson from the Universe. What ever way… it happened. And in hindsight is was good. 🙂

What was good about the GP’s behaviour is that she did not push me energetically. She did not try to persuade me. She offered a soothing proposal and then withdrew, respectfully waiting for me to reply. She told me: “On your terms and in your time.” and she meant it. (sort of ish, but enough for me to buy it) And because of her not pushing I did not have to build a wall of denial. Does that make sense?

I had told her the week before that I drank too much and that it had become a problem. She asked me why I had not changed things. I said I could not.
“Why not seek help?”
“That makes it real and that is embarrassing, I am so ashamed.”
“So because you are ashamed about your problem you do not seek help to change it?”
“Eh, yes.”

That’s when the penny dropped. Ghegheghe, this discrepancy is the first time I could looked at how denial about drinking worked for me. I guess I was ready to change and because she spoke without judgement I could listen.

To me denial is not about ‘not knowing’, I was constantly aware-ish of my drinking issues but I well, yeah, denied it; I made sure it did not come to the front of the brain. And when it did, like when it was undeniable because I did something stupid I covered it up with guilt (feeling guilty is a nice way to not to have to change anything – since you are feeling guilty already… ) and drank a little more just to not feel bad. Looking back there was a lot of power in that denial. And ha, funny in a not funny way; a lot of energy was locked into it too. It takes a LOT of energy to deny stuff.

During the writing of this post I did some online research. Came up with a vid of Teal Swan which I think is very informative and I think right in the sense of ‘correct’ or ‘she understands it the way I understand it.  As before: she is acquired taste and she is controversial but I like what I have seen of her so far. And yes, I do watch with care because (sorry Teal) something about her mimics does not always ring true. What she says does though, to me. I love her lists of steps. Never do any of it but it makes the process clear.  Hope you enjoy.

 

I am happy that I quit. Today this thought came to me: Sadness is loss which is not accepted. I am not sad about not drinking, I am happy that I said goodbye because it was a choice I made and I had and took the time to say goodbye.

Wishing you a nice (sober?) evening/day.

Ooh, in order to not Netflix I did a single player board game which I had laying about for ages. I was surprised to find that I had NO difficulty with it at all till I game to level 25. I can remember that 5 years back I found every single game a challenge! NEW!!! I had not realised that drinking had such an impact on my cognitive skills. (Yeah, denial, denial…)

xx, Feeling

How we fall in love

Or how to choose a partner wisely. Food for thought.

I am happy that I quit.  Still feeling a bit under the weather, went home from work yesterday because still not ‘there’. My throat does not heal. not sure why. Think the argument I had with my boss is still there. Need to work it out.

Wishing you a nice day/evening.

xx, Feeling

Assumptions

Watching a kids TV show and it warns witches for keeping control of themselves otherwise they can not control their magic. Which (witch?) set me off to wonder about my own assumptions.

I assume that I will never fit in, will always be the odd one out.
I assume that nobody will ever really like me.
I assume that I will always have to fight for a job.
I assume that I will die of a horrible disease at young age.
I assume that I will never have a partner who really cares about me.
I assume that I am batshit crazy but have learned to act ‘reasonably’ normal.
I assume that I will never find my true calling.
I assume that somebody finds this blogs and outs me in my professional life.
I assume that friends are only friends untill they really get to know me.

Of the above never finding my true calling is the worst by the way. I have built pretty steep fences around my heart against the rest.

Due to all this assumptions I think I never really try. I don’t try to be nice, be careful, I don’t lose weight because, well, because.

I am happy that I quit but in real life it often doesn’t matter to me and I would prefer to not have to live the life I have. Not to be who I am.

The other day a person I hold dear told me he did not really need to be alive. That really hit my heart because of the casual way he said it in combination with the quick check back to me to see how I would react. Somehow it suddenly really gets to me. Not sure what happened between this afternoon and now. I suddenly just have the feeling that it doesn’t matter and I am not going to go places anyway.

I have posted this before, but I guess it is time again:

 

Maybe the upcoming 3 years of not drinking bugs me. I though, hoped I would have been ‘further’ ahead. Like ‘have lost weight’, ‘be more sensible’, have my finances in order (which by the way, I almost have), be more compassionate, carry (and transfer) less shame, have read more books. Well, have worked it out all. But I notice that in between writing posts, working and 1 or 2 social things a week I do not ‘improve’ a lot if you will.

Guess I need to really start doing stuff, make it happen. Netflixing is taking its toll. I have learned from sobriety (just to get it be quoted back to me today here online 😉 ):

If you do what you did, you get what you got.

I guess I myself need to change things if I want things differently. I do not want to hold on to this old believes of being unloveable and weird. I do not want to make those into my trademark even.

I am happy that I quit, again is a sort of obliged way but I am happy that I quit because I would not have been able to see that these believes, these assumptions limit me. Well, maybe I am really unloveable, I do not believe in unconditional love anyhow (unless we all suddenly got enlightened…) but I don’t really really think so. BS. I do, but I calculate that this is not true.

Took some Schuessler salts, gheghe, most of them actually. 😉 I can breathe again! Throat infection gone-ish, sinuses back to unswollen position. Face looks funny though because I decided to

The other day I dreamed that I had signed up to do a personal transformation course and we had to walk up a really steep mountain of which all the steps looked totally different. I thought: “It is really, really important to take the time to do this. The goal is not to reach the top, the goal is to look at each step, to take it in and transfer the knowledge which is in it.” At the top was Buddha waiting for us disguised as a monk. He was young but way way older than I. He and I had some wordless communication. I woke up wondering  “I know it is true but why are the steps so important?”

Denial is BIG ;-).

It is time to go to bed. If I do what I did, I get what I got; restlessness. I know this can turn around even with a few days of really doing things. Does not have to be big. Cooking, taking care of me, cleaning, being consciousness, reading.

Thank you for reading. I’m fine-ish. Guess I have to learn to take the next step and not wait my life out.  I am happy that I quit. Every day of not drinking takes me one step further away from the abyss – and no matter, even if I do not ‘improve’ like crazy, I still practise sober time. And well, time will bring the answers. Either I get bored with me or the world does and in both cases I have to change my tune. 🙂

I am happy that I go to bed now. Bed = good.

xx, Feeling

Throat infection, alcoholism, alexithymia, truth – possible 5th chakra issues

Home with a nasty throat infection after having been well, yeah ‘told off’ by my boss. He and I mostly see eye to eye but in this one case we did not and well, I overstepped (what’s new?) and he reacted. We got into an argument which was pretty much one-sided and left me confused and hugely frustrated. Some people in the company are not doing what they should be doing and he expects me to ‘make them do it’ but he does not fully and officially inform them of my position AND he, at that moment did not allow me to train them sufficiently. I hate that. I hate it to implement new rules and not inform people of this. I think this dislike to what I call a fascist way of teaching (yup, notice some anger here?) is a remnant of my past where I raced around trying to please a hugely chagrined caretakers hoping they would not (again) get really mad (over nothing – because they were tired, ill, frustrated and/or hung-over). The enormous, continuous tension in the house was unbearable for me. Walking on egg-shells, always.

Well, I am guessing my boss was in a bad mood, some business parts are not bringing what they should be and I guess that pisses him off. And I was not prepared for the conversation. I am happy that I quit because due to that I could realise how our energetic fields got entangled and how irritated and frustrated we were with each other.

So much of my life is repeating itself now. This feeling of me wanting to be the best of the class; only when I am perfect I have a right to live. Of me wanting to be liked by the boss: only when the top guy likes me I can be safe. And then my utter disbelieve and panick when being ‘told off’ – I have no other words for it.

My boss does not like me in panic mode. I feel it as if he needs me to be levelheaded otherwise he can not deal with me. Funny though he does appreciate me naming what is going on inside. When I block because I am confused and say ‘Sorry, I can not hear what you are saying because I am experiencing a block right now.’ he is ok. At which I secretly thank his wife for being as weird as I am. 😉 Guess she made him deal. Also I do not back away, I do not want to make him feel sorry for me or dodge a conversation, just explaining. But this time I did not. And when I do not say that he gets all irritated and, well, I would phrase it as ‘the energy around his body gets all sharp and tangled up’.

Well, this time I was not prepared for the conversation and felt like he was burdening me with other things than what the conversation was about but I could not say what I wanted to say because he was in his ‘I am the boss mode’ so it was a very unpleasant, unrewarding and all in all unsuccessful conversation. Yikes. Nasty. 5 Minutes later I start to develop anger and… a throat infection. I have been frustrated and angry for 2 days. Used that anger to be more decisive with colleagues which was, I guess, the goal of my boss mode but it did not feel good inside. It is just a sort of transfer of anger. No, not a sort, this transfer of anger.

The economy is catching on very quickly in our circles of business and getting and keeping good staff is an issue. I say: let’s take better care of people because in a lot of basic ways we do not. The person at the care-taker position has no family hormones and can actually spread three insults with one word. You think I am direct and blunt? Watch him. He’s my karma – and best friend of the boss. Aha! So my boss has a type in employees, ghegheghe… he likes direct, blunt people. His wife says he’s autistic. I would not know, due to my fathers autism I regard autism as normal in guys. It is my sad definition of ‘man’. 😦 I think he is very sensitive but sometimes lacks the tools to deal with that. Which might be the exact definition of autism. 😉

Whatever: what I wanted to say; I am home, sick, throat infection, sinuses infection, general feeling of blègh. Next week is the last week before my holidays and Wednesday I have an evening shift with 2 external companies so I need to get better quickly in order to leave the place well taken care off.

Well, this is a long intro in where I really want to get to: I have this idea that not being able to say the truth, being denied to hear the truth in early life has impacted my throat chakra in such a way that it ‘helped’ me to get addicted. Whenever I have throat infection (often, it used to be 4 times a year in puberty and now ‘only’ once every 2 years) my throat swells up and the stiffness is very difficult to deal with. As if I can’t breathe. I can, but it feels I can’t. Drinking cold drinks helps. Beer makes it all go away. Crying now over this remnant of addiction which is still alive in me. ‘Beer makes it all go away’. 😦 Sad now.

I had this ‘vision’ once; all the emotions / feelings  / energetic happenings run through the body and the nervous system / whatever acupressure lines in the body get condensed in the neck and create the emotional atmosphere around the larynx. Which, I’m thinking, is why we hear emotions in a voice. (Edit: reading the book of Anodea Judith on chakra’s now and it actually mentions that this is so. So it is not my original thought; I had read it before.)

5thchakra

The 5th chakra, the throat chakra is about truth in communication. From this page Chakras.info I copied some info in here. I left out the advertisements but kept the links. Please compare the emotional signs to those of people living with alcohol addiction. In my idea there is a 1 on 1 match. Obviously there is more to addiction than only this but, well, have a read.

A blocked throat chakra can significantly impact your ability to communicate effectively for fear of ridicule and judgement. A throat chakra blockage can also manifest as the inability to express and realize your truth in the world. When the fifth chakra is open and balanced, you are able to express yourself clearly and honestly in any situation with confidence.

Common Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

You may find yourself unable to speak your truth when you need it the most, or holding back on expressing your needs and desires. Perhaps, you long for realizing your dreams and living with a strong and clear purpose, but seem to not be able to quite get there. These are common signs that your throat chakra  does not function at its optimal level.

Physical Symptoms of Blocked Energy in the Throat Chakra

When the throat chakra is blocked or otherwise imbalanced, energy flow is hindered and can lead to physical symptoms affecting the head, mouth, throat, and neck. It is not uncommon to experience neck pain, headaches, hoarseness, and sore throat when the flow of energy through the throat chakra is disrupted.

Some common physical symptoms of blockage include:

  • chronic sore throat
  • frequent headaches
  • dental issues
  • mouth ulcers
  • hoarseness
  • thyroid problems
  • laryngitis
  • Temporomandibular disorders of the jaw (commonly known as TMJ)
  • neck pain

Consequently, the blockage can also impact your physical health. When you experience such signs of physical discomfort, healing practices focusing on the upper body area, in particular your neck and shoulders, can bring relief and allow energy to move more freely. Of course, for serious and recurring symptoms, please consult a physician whom you trust.

Emotional Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

When the throat chakra is imbalanced, the blockage can also manifest through non-physical symptoms that may impact you at various levels from psychological and emotional, to psychically and spiritually.

Non-physical signs of blockage can be more prevalent. Among the more commons signs are:

  • fear of speaking
  • inability to express thoughts
  • shyness
  • inconsistency in speech and actions
  • social anxiety
  • inhibited creativity
  • stubbornness
  • detachment

For instance, perpetuated blockages that are fairly significant can cause one to become arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. On the contrary, energy that flows freely through the throat chakra promotes effective, truthful communication. You are able to “find you.” You are confident, responsible, and can easily find the right words to express your thoughts.

A blockage of the throat chakra can cause you to become stoic, quiet, and fearful. The imbalance may also create feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and shyness when it comes to self-expression and speaking to others. Public speaking can cause near paralysis when the issue is a blocked fifth chakra.

An imbalance in the throat chakra can adversely affect many aspects of your personal and professional life. You may find you avoid social situations and are more comfortable alone. You may even become distrustful of your inner voice.

What To Do About A Blocked Throat Chakra

Clearing the throat chakra involves learning to let go and trusting your inner voice. Not a small task for a lot of us! Check out the general guidelines for throat chakra healing for practical ideas on how to restore balance in this center.

A few basic steps to clear this chakras include:

  • Working through and releasing all negative emotions, including guilt, hurt, and resentment can work wonders to restore energy balance in the throat chakra. Sometimes a good cry can also help alleviate a blockage of the fifth chakra.
  • Practicing mindful speech, action, and deeds can help you maintain throat chakra balance. For example, talk openly and honestly with others on a regular basis.
  • Meditating on and incorporating the throat chakra’s color, blue, into your life can also calm emotional upheaval. For instance, introduce blue-colored flowers or decor to your home environment.

In addition to all this I was wondering whether alexithymia – which, in a few words is the ‘inability to put feelings into words’ is related to a 5th chakra disturbance. And no, I do not want to place myself at the seat of your doctor in any way, I just came across this word for the so maniest time today in the sober blogosphere that I thought ‘how come’? Next: would there be a relation here which might be / feel true for some people. I know ‘as a fact’ or ‘as a fact which counts for me’ or ‘as something which feels true’ that my throat infections always have been caused by being lied to, not being able to speak the truth, being frustrated about not being able to voice my opinion. Blockages in the 5th chakra make people; arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. I think I can say ‘check’ on all of these. On the other hand those who have followed my blog also know (I hope) that I am a truth seeker. Not always on the right track, not always balanced – but seeking.

Looking at my Anodea Judith book now and she mentions ‘Alcoholism’ as one of the trauma’s in a child’s life which cause disturbances in the 5th chakra. She also mentions that a deficiency in energy in this chakra results in having problems with putting feelings into words, speaking out. Excess leads to talking too much (guess writing too much is included here ;-))

Anodea continues with: “Sometimes our safety and survival are dependent on suppressing our truth.” And ‘because of this we do not resonate with the truth and with others, we become disconnected’ (edited by me). Don’t we all recognise that? I find this process of starting to speak/write/live my truth has helped me to resonate with people and has improved my relations.

And yes: truth is ‘debatable’ if you will. People may say ‘there is no one truth’ and that is probably true. But that moment, I think it was right about now, 3 years ago that I realised that I had become dependent on the people of the detox clinic – and that I wanted to kill myself because they had not returned my phone call. Yes, yes, drama all around. Addiction does funny things when under stress. Well, at that moment, I decided to choose FOR me. To live MY truth. Not theirs. Not their way of putting me in a process, taking tests, assigning doctors etc. I find this world so confusing that I decided to start living along the rules of my truth. They say ‘people can not get sober on their own’ and ‘you need help’. Yes, I did and do need help, but not according to other people’s rules but according to mine. And yes I do screw up often in life and I would say that I have not gotten to the roots of my addiction when a day is spent Netflixing and eating cheese, chocolate and chips but I did do it the way I could and at that moment AND in hindsight I think for me that was the only way. With the addition: do not try this at home. I happened to ‘get away’ clean.

1% Of the people seems to make it to 1 years sober at the first try, with or without help. That is how strong addiction is. That is how strong the coping mechanism of alcohol and drugs are engrained in this society and in us people with addictive personalities. This 1% also motivated me highly to make sure I was part of that group. Also, I knew I would kill myself if I did not quit and I somehow figured out that would not be the solution I would have chosen if were not in active addiction. So, at that point it was quite a motivation. And not drinking seems to be somehow easy-ish-er for me than for others. I live alone, had no job then, all the time to myself. No relation to frustrate me 😉 or sink my sober boat with their aggression or own booze issues so I guess all of that makes it way easier. I am happy that I quit. And I still think I need to do more to be alive and sober. I also think to know that obviously, there are coping mechanisms in place within me because I somehow think that Netflixing with cheese, chips and chocolate (preferred over consciousness, compassion and choice 😉 ) is better for me. Until it gets boring. Like now. 🙂 Baby steps.

Back to the 5th chakra: Anodea Judith mentions ‘poisoning’ as physical issues too. Funny to realise that the last at least 10 visits I did to the GP were about poisoning, either by alcohol or something I ate. Hey! Next page of the book says: free writing, unedited writing = good. 😀 Ha! Guess I had made my own detox centre here.

Well, to be fair she also mentions ‘practicing shutting up;  in case of excess energy. :-D. That’s still work in progress. Who am I kidding. That is a goal for at least 5 life’s from this one. Anybody remember my last job where my boss said: “The only issue I have with your work is you talking too much.”  So yeah, I see some 5th chakra issues in me. Ghegheghe, funny in a not funny way. 😉 Also because that was not her only issue with me. But it was workwise.

I am happy that I quit.

I am grateful for: internet, for Schuessler salts because they help me deal with my throat infection, for the sober blogosphere because it has helped me to a lot to understand what is going on in addiction and I think I would not have been sober without it. I hope to somehow return to you what you have given but I still feel I am not ready to take ‘giving’ as a starting point in my life.

I am grateful for my beautiful friend whom I had a beautiful conversation with this morning. I am actually grateful for my job, my boss and my wonderful colleagues. I am grateful for my house and the cat who massages my back at night. 🙂 I am grateful to have been born in the Netherlands since we do not get to choose that. I am grateful for my parents who have taught me the alternative side of living, food and healing where I am much happier than in the ‘normal’ side. I am grateful for the wonderful books on sobriety and what have you written by people who ‘know their shit’. That is cool. I am grateful for all those who walk before me, either in time, skills or virtues and reach back.

Thank you all for making this world a beautiful place.

Well, another free written post to help balance the combined excess and deficiency of my 5th chakra. ;-). I hope there are some connections in this for people who read it. 🙂

Wishing you a nice day / weekend.

xx, Feeling

Earning the money

Work has been tough lately. I’m in this position where I need to check other people’s work and set guidelines for them to work by. But the overseer left and now my boss wants me to sort of ‘fill in parts of the gap’. That is tough, because I do know my part of the job, but not know enough of the work and the processes of the shifts to really oversee it all. However, with all my limitations and lack of knowledge, I am the best choice for the job. So I am/was dangling between being hesitant to step up to the job, being excited with the trust, and a little wary for the trap that lies within it. Doing stuff without really knowing the job = big risk to everybody.

All this dangling and not getting to the point irritated my boss to the point where it stressed him out. Which stresses me out, which stresses out my boss and down the spiral we went, quickly. So we spoke. And he asked me to not worry and just be truthful. However nice that may sound I am paranoid enough to think that it is hardly ever a good sign….. :-/ – or at least an indication that he thinks I was/am hiding stuff. Whatever.

If I have learned something in the last 35 months it is that not speaking what is really going on is not good. I have NOT yet learned to shut-up when there is no need to speak unfortunately 😦 but I did learn to say what is on my mind. So I spoke, and I told him that I was having difficulty, that I felt he expects more of me and I do to but that I could not find the ‘entry’ or the ‘right button’ to actually stand up and set things straight within me, and within production. He listened and backed me up totally. That was a surprise.

At some point I found the place within myself from which I could speak with all the people and that was good. Yesterday I parts of the team and I had a meeting. I think the message of ‘do you job safe and correct’ came across.

Afterwards I spoke with one of my favorite colleagues about the meeting. He said “people have been asking me how much power you have”. That was an eye-opener to me. I dropped that line in the recap with my boss and without a moments pause he said; “They need to realise by now that if YOU don’t like them, it will cost them their jobs.” At which I practiced my blank face. DaF! Guess I got promoted?!

Ok, so much for communication. I did realise that my opinion of people’s attitude, work and personality did matter to him but I had not realised I had so much influence. Secondly: I realised that my heart sang with this possibility. To actually be able to execute the HR decisions means I that I can actually execute improvements. And shit, in walk the traps: I have been in an unhealthy cloud of pride for a full evening, only to wake up and realise that karma is a bitch and that I had EXACTLY forgotten to do something tiny but important. EXACTLY something I had flogged the team about. 😦 and since they start early in the morning I was too late to catch it on my day off.

You know where they say that ‘humming or beeping in the ear means that somebody is talking about you’. Well, by now I feel almost deaf in one ear. So I called the office and with somebody else fixed it for me. Thank you colleague. 🙂

The trap, pride, vanity, this local megalomania which rose in me. Very attractive to get lost in but very dark, destructive and dangerous to others and myself if I do. The grabbing, the holding on, the fear of losing.

nearlyallmencanstandadveristy

I am 47, turning 48 this year. I need to settle in a job, in a profession before I am 50 because chances are the work world does not look kindly on ‘older’ people. I feel a lot of stress there. Also, this stress relates back to my addictive tendencies: wanting to fit in, wanting to be seen, wanting to be secure, wanting to control my environment…. All very basic needs but combined with what I call this raw power within that I have I am not sure how to deal. I’m guessing where things go wrong is where I want to control things. Never a nice trait. Stemming from insecurity but mostly from being overwhelmed easily and at the mercy of others in a negative, unhealthy way.

I need to realise this is NOT the case anymore in my life. I am 47, not 3, not 8, not 18 years old or any year in between and not in the hands of a physically abusive man. I have sort of learned to hold my own and I have learned to read the signs and flee on time. In theory I could start to relax at some time now in my life. Not? I think I need to but I also think/feel that I do not want to take the effort to change this, to do the things needed to make that paradigm shift. To look my fears in the eyes. A thought pops up. It says: “All what has happened, has happened. It was not about you, it was done to you. You do not need to change because of it.” Which I understand as a version of: “They can not take what you do not give.” I do not need to feel less, damaged goods, stupid, ugly, unloveable, less because other people tried to devalue me with their dirty hands, body, words and energy. It happened to me. It is not me.

That last bit is true as a theory but not as a practise since I have taken the abuse as something that I am. I believed them time and time again and have taken their despise and made it mine. Trying to energetically work the despise out of my ‘body’ currently. Difficulty to let go. Who am I if I do not carry that? It is such a big part. And it has blocked the front of my body totally. Rigidity. Impaired communications skills. My mind’s eye sees a big block of transparent ochre in front of my chest and down, blocking all the ‘chakras’ or energy if you want. Rigidity. Totally interwoven with my system. Visualising getting rid of it. I am so used to it that I overlook it. Guessing I have only a tiny window in time and space now to have a look at this and try to work on this.

And gone it is. Did get some insights in the last 15 minutes. Due to bad experiences of being controlled I tend to want to control my emotions and other people’s behaviour. Not good. I need to step back in order not to become EXACTLY what I do not want to be.

Also: I am not what happened to me. It IS not me. My body is not me either. My body is part of me.

Ok, enough to ponder on. Hope to find you well.

I am happy that I quit. Not so much in a grateful way. Did I tell you that as a present for my 35 month I ordered a compost set for on the balcony? Non smelly. The internal addict laughing his head off; it is a system which uses non-aerobic thingies to ferment = it’s sort of making alcohol from what I put in there. Signs. To me it says that I need to pay more attention to being sober. Not only not drinking but not addicting out in other ways. I still feel I am not living in awareness, letting things happen to me, not ‘in control’, often being reactive instead of pro-active. Most of the time this is ok, sometimes not.

Well, happy that I quit. No matter what let my story of being financially broke (not bankrupt but broke) and without a job to this situation in 1,5 year be an example of what can happen in sobriety. I did baby steps. I think. Not sure.

A woman who loves herself would take better care of herself than I do momentarily. I think I found out why self-care is so difficult: self-care stems from a place where I love and appreciate who I am. I’m thinking that for people with an addictive personality / using the spiritual mistake to quick fix everything in my life, this place from where one takes care is damaged by shame. Shame says: I do not deserve it, I am not good enough. And in order to remove shame I need to feel I deserve it. Which I don’t because I … don’t.

Not sure how to get out of that trap. I did find that if I try to take care of me, I start to feel that I deserve it. I am going to cook, eat and go to bed.

Wishing you a nice (sober) day/evening/week. Take care.

xx, FeelingBewaren

Bewaren

How to start a sober blog

That’s a bit of a pretentious title but I actually made it up because it talks with search engines well. That would be a first :-).

So, hi there, possibly first timer blogger? This is my blog ‘Feeling my way back into life’ and this post is about starting a sober blog. I am assuming that you are thinking of quitting drinking or have done so already. Maybe you need an outlet for all that is happening, or maybe you are looking for sober (online) friends, maybe you are looking for tips and support… Blogs can provide that and more, and less.

Here are some tips which I find important. Maybe you don’t. I have written this rather ‘do this, do no do that’ but obviously you can take what you can use and leave the rest.

TIPS:

Start anonymously

Whatever your reason to blog may be, make sure you start off anonymously.

Because

  • you do not now what you will want to write in the future,
  • because right now you might feel on top of the world thinking you can deal but experience shows that the process of getting sober is messy. Today might look like this: pegapuss kitten

And tomorrow can look like this:

depression-153-58660ae39f1bd__700

In early sobriety you will find yourself in an emotional roller coaster. Whatever you have been suppressing by drinking will rear its ugly head at some point. You will be able to deal way better because not drinking. But still. You need to take care of you and that means babysteps in your own tiny circle.

  • because you want the absolute freedom to (think that) you can let out the beast when writing,
  • because you do want to open up in order to keep sober but not be hit over the head with the consequences immediately,
  • because you do not know if your sobriety will be ‘succesful’ and the shame of having to admit that to people around you might force you into hiding again. There are others who would argue that it is good to have people support you. I am not there (yet?). If people were always so absolutely supportive you and I would not have ended up where we are / were. Addiction is a very unattractive spiritual mistake. Asking for help with it is like needing a loan: you only get it when you don’t need it. I am guessing there are people who want to dare me on this. As I said: trust is not my most well-developed muscle. Meaning no disrespect to the people who have helped me but still – trust goes as far as it goes. As does friendship, as does love. Unlike an addict mindset neither of these gifts are without boundaries. And in my not so humble opinion they should not be boundaryless anyway. Actions have consequences. Getting shit faced at a friends party means that I lose the friend. That is logical and in my opinion a healthy process. Actions should have consequences. Same with addiction: not attractive, let’s go do something else. 😉
  • because there is a worldwide stigma on addiction and you do not have to deal with that or fight it. You have your own internal battles to take care of.
  • because no matter what sobriety comes first and the consequences of going public immediately can stand in the way of focusing on sobriety.
  • because on the net, what you write is NEVER gone. Do not make the mistake of thinking your blog is gone when you turn it off or delete it. The internet has a cache history which is very stubborn in remembering everything you did.
  • Also… there is a waybackmachine where anybody can look up your former site. It always takes a while before the info there is deleted as well.

waybackmachine

Well, many reasons  why I advise you to stay anonymous for at least 5 years. Why? Because above and because right now you might be on top of the world, but experience learns that this can change tomorrow.

Why? Because your first priority is sobriety. That is all. You do not know what upheavals lay in the future, you do not know anything about the future. Maybe you want to run for president? The internet remembers everything.

EDIT 30 august 2017 TO THIS POST:

Shame is one of the emotions which are very present and influential in addiction. A lot of the development of addiction has to do with finding your place in this world and mainly overdoses of shame and quilt prevent that. Guilt is about ‘having done something wrong’, shame is about ‘being wrong, feeling less deserving or non-deserving, feeling one has no right to live or less right than others.

The biological function of shame is to keep us from doing stupid things which are out there, to keep us from being aloof and to not go were we say ‘pride comes before the fall’. That is all ok. Shame has it’s function. Problem is, and this is not ok: in this society, shaming people is used as a (destructive) tool by parents, upbringers, teachers, group leaders, groups, peers, well anybody, to keep others in check. Shame is one of those emotions which get transferred very easily. If shame builds up too high in the one, he/she/group will seek a scapegoat and transfer the shame by shaming the other in order to release themselves of the tension and nasty feelings that shame brings. This is done by shaming, by getting angry, by criticizing, by being perfectionist about stuff, by bullying – there are many ways. More info is to be found online.

Next to that, shame can be so ingrown that we shame ourself out of what we want, need, need to do. That looks like feeling you don’t have the right to speak up against a spouse/boss/parent/friend. If you have trouble taking care of yourself (like I) chances are you have not learned this or feel you do not deserve it. That last part translates in not feeling you (i) have the right to take care of you (me). The first part probably means that you had caretakers which did not take care. That is a dangerous, destructive situation which in itself breeds shame.

I am not shame free when it comes to addiction. Also, I know that a lot of people around me, even though they themselves say to be ‘not shaming’ actually do shame me when they feel like it. I have met up with this in conversations several times and it is hugely unpleasant. If I had been recently sober I do not know how I would have dealt with the backstabbing. Which is why I warn you to stay anonymous so if you inform people of your addictive character and substance abuse when you are ready to trust people. Not that you are confronted by somebody having found your blog online. That’s all.

You might be in a state of mind where you wonder what I am talking about. That could be logical because addiction comes with denial and part of the denial is the denial of shame. Trust me, the shame is there. Like all other things it just needs you to be ready for it to show itself. Sobriety is like peeling an onion, we find layer after layer. However: if you were not susceptible to shame you would; A. not have an addictive character, B. be either very enlightened, very autistic or very criminally insane. ;-). C have worked on shame issues for a long time in your recovery already. ❤

If anything you should have/take the time to work this out yourself – in your own time. Which is why I advocate anonymity.

Set up an anonymous e-mail account

Set up an anonymous e-mail account at e.g. Gmail.com. That might not be totally legal but sobriety first. Nothing in this anonymous e-mail account should be real – apart from the e-mail account you need to give up as a last resort. So do NOT use an acronym, do not use your cat’s name, do not use your real name anywhere because it will show up, do not enter your telephone number. Nothing. Because you (and I) do not know how things relate back to you.

Also, some search tools allow people to find whatever friends do online all over the web, based on their mail address. So an online nickname is of no use if it is backed by your standard e-mail address or an e-mail account with your regular name.

Or… do NOT work with G-mail and find an e-mail server which does not want to link ALL your online business (e-mail, YouTube, Facebook, WordPress, whatever) to one account. This is specifically unhandy when you already have an G-mail account.

Work from a computer/device which is password protected. Do not read, blog or reply from your work address or anybody elses computer. The search history of the computer will remember the internet addresses you looked for and those adresses will leave behind cookies. Any other person logging in after you will be able to find these and probably connect the dots.

When you live in a tiny village you might even want to drive to another city to work on your blog, read or reply because when you react to somebodies blog the IP address (which is the address of your computer on the internet) is visible. This IP address can be tracked on the net and refers to a certain area in a large city or to a village. Your provider could hand over your real name and address when requested but I believe they only do that on the request of police. Not sure.

Don’t worry: people, governmental organisations, CIA, NSA, Google, Facebook, hackers, whatever is out there, they will always be smarter than you and can find out what you write and who you are.

You will find that if you search for stuff online, your adds start to change towards (non) drinking items. This is true for Google but also for Facebook. Getting Add-block on a Firefox browser will help you not to see stuff like that. So it does not pop up when you are watching a vid together with a friend.

What’s in a name?

How to name your blog? Well…. a lot. People with blogs like ‘shit I need to quit drinking’ never ‘make it’. The name of your blog expresses your intentions. Make sure you get those right before you start. Something like:

Beware of your intentions, they shape your thoughts,
Beware of your thoughts, they shape your actions,
Beware of your actions, they shape your life.

Always log out of WordPress and your anonymous e-mail account after you are done.

Always log out and in and do NOT let your computer / device remember what the password is for these sites. You never know if it gets stolen or somebody finds it.

Also when you work from a Gmail account your Gmail profile will be visible online where ever you go. So when replying to something on YouTube, it will be from your anonymous soberblog mail. That can be quite scary if it happens to be a reply to somebody you know!

Never reply online to sites while having your Facebook opened.

Some sites take your not privatised Facebook account and post your real name with the comment. Sometimes you can undo, sometimes not. But with a Google search on your name the comment might show up. Not sure if closing your FB account actually works.

Write for yourself

Write for yourself, do not write for the other. Trying to impress, help or save other people from whatever faith is a TRAP. Don’t go there. (As I have 100.001 times. 😦 )

No matter how pink your clouds are, no matter how convinced you are that you have found the Ultimate Truth -which you have! Enjoy!- write FOR yourself. Because ‘own sobriety first’ and you need to find your sober feet, your sober body, heart and mind, your sober life first before you start reaching out. In the 3 years I have read sober blogs I have seen about 20 of them with first post of ‘I really want to help other people find sobriety’ and they were gone within weeks or months. That is not because it is bad to help. No way, it is actually good to help. But FIRST you need to help yourself. And because you are / have been addicted for so long it might not be totally clear to you what that entails. So: ‘own sobriety first’ – no writing for others.

The thing with addiction is that it has turned you into a person who is not living in the here and now and is not living in its own energetic center. If that means anything to you, or to anybody btw. :-D.

I am thinking addiction starts when the core of our being, whatever we feel that is, gets damaged or misplaced. And I am thinking addiction continues that process of damaging and misplacing. If we are lucky we are left with a partial overlap of our core with our body so we still have an inkling of who, where and when we are.

However, when addicted, we tend to lean forward to worry about the future. We are leaning backwards because we carry grief, pain, anger and resentment and whatever other hurt may lay in the past. But no matter what: living in the here and now is exactly what addiction tries to avoid.

Another unhandy thing is leaning sideways left and right to carry all kinds of things on our shoulders which are not our issues – or which we can not change. Writing for other people often comes with leaning forward, out of your core to impress the other. That takes energy which you need to keep to yourself.

There is this AA saying ‘One day at the time’ – I took/take it one moment at the time because this moment is ALL I EVER need to take care off. And when I tried to imagine even that I had to be sober in the evening, my imagination would drag me out of myself and I would fall over.

All in all sobriety will give you a feeling of being more ‘condensed’ – more centered, more in balance. And yes, this can take many months, even years – but while being sober your chances of improving life go up EVERY day.  Even if life does not go up, it  does not goe down as fast as it would when drinking. There is really no problem in the world that does not get worst with drinking.

When drinking you run out of chances immediately. Energy and focus is on the addiction; how to get rid of it, how to hide bottles, how to score, how to not let people know, if your breath might smell, how to hide your hangover, how to not feel. How to not BE. 😦 Not saying being sober is easy. But it is better.

Consider whom you write about

I write about all kinds of stuff. There are some, and actually I agree with them, who say one should not write about those who can not react. You might want to consider this before you write. As I said: the internet remembers everything. A rule of tumb: if you can not say stuff to somebody in person, it is very good not to write it to them or about them.

However, I have ditched that because I (hope to) trust my anonymity and because I need to let things out in order to survive.

Leaving anonymous replies at blogs – they are not 100% anonymous

WordPress and probably other blogs have a possibility to leave anonymous replies to a post. Please be aware that these replies might be anonymous to the average reader but NOT to the owner of the blog. Obviously not because of security / privacy issues of the blog owner who take precedence over those of the replyer. At the back side of the blog there is a list with all comments, the IP address of the writer of the reply and the e-mail address of this person.

If ever you wonder if people who reply to your blog reply under different names you could check if the IP address is the same. If they are different there is no guarantee that this is not the same person, and if they are the same it is neither but… well, you can sort that out. Also: keep in mind that IP address for computers can change over time. They are assigned by the internet company, not by the person using it.

For those who have a WordPress blog and want to find out what I am referring to above:

  • go to ‘My Site’ in the upper left corner.
  • scroll down to ‘WP Admin’ and press.
  • From the left bar select ‘Comments’
  • Here you can find all the comments related to YOUR blog only.
    • In this list you can find e-mail addresses of those who responded
    • IP addresses
    • You can approve, disapprove, delete, edit and mark replies to your post as spam.
  • There seems to be no list of comments one leaves at other blogs.

In theory anybody can set up a sober blog and be catfishing for IP addresses and e-mail adresses.

Settings

Blogs can be made public, be visible to people you have invited to read or hidden. You could actually make a blog your personal online dairy without posting anything. If that works, it works. Settings can be found in the system.

Do not tell people – the will look for it

Do not tell people you are writing a blog, no matter what they will try to find it and they probably can if they add enough you-specific words. When I Google on ‘alcohol addiction nurse uk blog’ I find ahangoverfreelife on page 3 of the results. Same might be happening to you once you out yourself.

Do not share photos or text you share at other sites as well

Just for ‘the fun of it’ (it worked out to be awful and it upset me pretty much) I once tracked down the husband of a sober blogger who was (she is not anymore and no it is not you!) complaining about a lack of intimacy. She had once posted a photo of her dog and with simple tools like Google ‘photo search’ I could track that same photo to her YouTube account and from there to her Facebook account and from there to the scorned husband. :-(.

What blogsite to choose? WordPress, blogspot?

I actually have no clues what the differences are but I chose WordPress because I was looking for an English-speaking audience. And also because blogspot used to be Dutch. But now I find I am the only Dutchy in the sober blogosphere here and anybody can see in their statistics wether or not somebody from the Netherlands visited their website. That is a bit of a bummer.

Deep in the WordPress settings are some buttons where you can link WordPress with Blogspot and other sites. The goal would be to exchange posts and comments.

What layout to choose?

I took one I liked and in which you can just scroll down to the former post. Also the comments are ‘easy’ to find in comparison to other layouts.

Should I pay for my blog to own it?

I have not found a reason for myself. Well, maybe if I were to found out WordPress was showing advertising on it I do not agree with but I have Add-block so I never see that. You could pay if you want to. Specifically if you want to go professional with what you write that would be a good idea.

Can anybody write and reply what they want?

You are allowed to write what you want, within legal boundaries and the contract you need to adhere to when building the blog. When you have an open blog like mine anybody can see your posts and reply. However, the first time somebody replies you will always have to approve the comment of this person. Also, you can decide not to. You can do so at that moment or later, even after you have approved it. You can also edit comments and delete them. Not sure if you can ban people from your blog. You can list somebody as spam which means they will be filtered out. But that would not be a nice way of dealing with people I guess.

How do people find my blog?

When this is your question, you might want to investigate a little more. As I said: it is important to write for yourself. The time where you can afford to write for others without getting all aloof will come. Own sobriety first.

And in answer to the question: there are courses for that but the simplest way to do so is add tags in the right column of the writing page. Use tags like ‘alcohol’, ‘drugs’, ‘addiction’, ‘AA’ and so forth. People search for that and this is how they find you. Also you can start following people by reading comments to other people’s blogs. Replying to other blogs is obviously also a nice way to try to make friends.

What do I write about?

Obviously there are 100.001 subjects to write about. What you might want to figure out is how far you want to go with opening up. I go all the way because I had to hide so much of me all my life this has created a pressure cooker which only found relieve in drinking. In order to not drink I let it all out. Not very attractive sometimes, but effective for me.

You might at some point feel uncomfortable in sharing stuff. Remember there is hardly any pressing reason to share everything always. You can always sleep it over and post later. You can always delete afterwards. The idea behind sobriety is that you learn to live healthily with your feelings and body. Taking feelings of discomfort seriously and finding other ways to comfort yourself than drinking or drugging is a good idea. 🙂

Your blog, your sobriety, your rules in anything. You make it up. That is good. 🙂 Enjoy.

I do not edit posts. Having said that, I edited this one because is it more instruction wiselikeish. In other posts I just ‘let the beast speak’ so to say. Whatever comes up is what comes up. Suppressing things and feelings and wanting things to be different and more beautiful, fantastic and succesful is what helped me get addicted so for me it is really important NOT to limit myself to wanting to write nice and ‘succesful’. Sobriety is not a competition.

It is not that I do not care about people reading my blog . Note that I am not saying ‘my readers’, I find that pretentious, I do not own people and I do not want to speak about people (not ‘them’) like I do. But I care about my need to unburden, as I said, to let out the beast or to write without limits more. That also included that I do not assume that I am everybodies friend, I guess my blog is acquired taste :-). But if that is what it takes, that is what it takes. I take an effort NOT to track if or if not people reply to my blog when I did to theirs. That might sound like it is, and work out to be a little autistic but sobriety is not high school. It is not about likes. It is about transforming. And by the time I can actually deal with ‘counting’ friends and comparing, maybe I will. I do not now.

Sobriety is about finding your authentic self back in this world. It is unraveling the spiritual mistake that choosing the ‘quick fix’ actually is. It is about learning to be here with yourself, to accept and to take life as it comes and deal with it as it is.

I hope to learn that. 🙂 Today is my 35th month of sobriety. I am happy that I quit. I am grateful that I have my life returned to me. I still have not unraveled the spiritual mistake but I guess I will get there in time.

Hope this post helps you on your way. Please take my dark impression of help and trust for what it is; my dark impression. Not sure how this is for other people but obviously you have your own life experience to sail by. 🙂

Wishing you a wonderful time on the web. Wishing you a blog which helps you be sober. Remember: whatever it takes to be sober is what it takes. Sobriety does not know shortcuts. That is why baby steps are good. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. ❤

xx, Feeling

Free online summit on sleep and stress

Hello,

Another free online summit you might be interested in. This is on anxiety, overwhelm, stress and sleep. How cool is that? Dunno, have not seen it yet, but…. worth checking out, not?

Years ago I read somewhere that sleeping during sobriety doubles the changes on sustained sobriety. It took me several years to learn to sleep well again. Sleeping well does wonders for ones wellbeing and health anyhow.

Hope you enjoy!

Join here.

I am happy that I quit. Quitting made it possible for me to sleep well and making sure I take the right measures to actually work towards that. Sleep = good.

xx, Feeling