Walk away from the bad or walk towards the good?

Yesterdays course was interesting. I had a good chance to deal with perfection during the course. I’m not sure how to continue though, the field of work I am in requires a shitload of technical knowledge and I worked out yesterday that I need even more of that to actually come to a good result of the course. Which is a funny statement. I think sentence one contradicts sentence two. :-D. Not sure how to deal with that. Currently trying to stay out of going from one extreme where I am FANTASTIC to the other where I am utterly useless. That’s addicty behavior, it is about not dealing with what is. Well, I need to get my head screwed on right in order to see how to continue but before I do that I have this revelation (well, personal revelation) to put in writing.

I was thinking, through all these 9 months I have not been drinking and only the last 2 weeks or so have been sugar-free. But still I have fog in my head. My body says it needs oxygen and movement. Had little of that in the last days due to preparing for the course. And ha, I don’t want to think about it because I still have this ‘my body might feel like moving but I think it is horrible’ mode over me. The other day D commented on my will power. I don’t have any of it, I do it all by feel and listening to my body. I’m not sure if I should ‘man up’ – I feel like I break things when I do. I notice if I do stuff on will power only I get the results a few days later with a tremendous swing the other way. That feels dangerous because I have the idea that in that swing to the other side is the ‘Ooh, I might as well drink too’ thought. And that is why I don’t force me. And why my bank account is (almost) empty :-/. Well, we have this saying, ‘the quay turns the ship’.

Shit what a messy paragraph, that’s 3 or 4 subjects. Well, that’s how it’s linked in my head. Continue with the fog: I want to get rid of it because I feel it is part of my addiction. Either my body or mind not wanting to be clear. I want to be clear, transparant, readable, present. Not by definition ‘open’ but clear on where I am not available and where I am. I want to be so at peace where I can be all those things above. Actually I am not sure why I want that. I guess that is what GP1 had at the moment I thought ‘I want what you have.’ Beautiful mind imprint that still makes me smile even now. 🙂 Speaking about boundaries without rejecting me. Thank you GP1. 🙂

Well, I want to get rid of the fog because I feel I hide something there for me. And knowing me I punish myself on the road to reaching that. I have been not eating what I think is bad. And funny enough the other day I read that EXACTLY all I eat, might actually be bad for my Chi (life force). This bugs me of course, it worries me because it got me off balance and next of course is the ‘don’t I ever do anything good.’ and the ‘how long does it take until I am finally in a restful happy place’ ** I am generally happy (ok, -ish) but now I come to think of it there is this fictional (?) Shangri la in my head waiting when I am clear.

( ** That thought needs looking into, like I am not alive now because I am, what, sick? In recovery? No perfect? – Not being alive until it is good, another mental sidestep out of the here and now. )

Since a while I notice this cold place in my belly, it feels like a big stone, two hands big in my gut. Brrrrr, cold. Not enough life force the Chi-people say. I can see that happening. I put this energetic break on everything that could safe me from financial wreckage. Guess I still don’t believe Andrelon. I think I can / could be doing everything it takes to get healthy in my mind en emotional state etc, to get balanced but if I don’t believe I’m worth it – will it settle? I don’t think so. It is like trying to quit drinking and not being happy about that – that is difficult and it takes 10.001 times more strength than just sitting back and enjoying sober life.

Whaa, back to the sugar and the clean food diet: There are ways two get to enlightenment in life. There is a way of letting go totally and seeing what life brings and there is the way of discipline. I’ve done the way of letting go, it brought me to a rock-bottom which actually is a VERY GOOD SOLID POINT to leave from. 🙂 And now I try the way of discipline, but slowly. And this morning I thought: but still you are trying to get away from what is by eating according to a clean food diet but you are NOT embracing health and love and life. It could actually be more of a punishment than a way to look for health.

It’s a very cold ‘health’ I am currently building. The other day a women of 60 something walked into the store and she is very sexual – in a lively way, not tacky, possibly a little addicty. But she is enjoying life and ‘kundalini’. She spoke about the sweetness of life. And I thought, I am not accepting that. My bowels don’t take in the nutrients they get, I have difficulty being loved. I can’t EVEN THINK of having sex or being close to somebody – another form of taking in. It might be that finally my youth experiences are coming up but I feel there is something in me not accepting things as they are. I guess it is a strength too because I can walk a very lonely route through life and be ok with that but still. I think I need to move trees for another time. I am in the working through knowledge on food in order to get nutrients in and try to get better. Maybe I should go to the tree where I love myself and have less urge to ‘get better’ 😉 and possibly from there can actually accept life and the nutrients that it brings.

I think life’s decisions come up with where I plant my being in the universe of possibilities. Like if I plant me in the ‘I hate quitting’ area it is most likely that on the branches of my tree hangs a big relapse. So, shift trees. Shit, I’ve done so many shifting of trees. Pfffffff…. Crying now. I’m afraid and I am tired of looking and doing things on my own. But even help is difficult to accept :-), hug me when I’m crying and I’ll stop immediately. But I guess I’m on a good road with trying to work this out.

That was revelation one. Revelation two is about the need to be addicted to something. I find it so strange how this addict part of me works. I quit booze, move to blogging and Netflixing and sugar. Now I quit sugar and I literally hear this voice in me saying ‘But I want to be addicted to something!’ I can not remember when this looking for the comfort place sneaked into my life. I feel it has a lot to do with regulating strong emotions. Now I do exiting stuff with the course I find that emotions fly EVERYWHERE, it’s like a swarm of  birds in a frenzy. Not sure what changed but I can sometimes somehow sit inside me and see them fly by like crazy and wonder ‘If this happened when I was a child, no wonder I could not deal’. Something with holding space. And then something with breathing through that.

I am happy that I quit. I worry about my future financially. But I guess if I plant my tree in the forest that says ‘I don’t even love me’ I might not be very good at finding a job. How can I love me? I did such stupid, hurtful things. Last night I dreamed that I got shunned by some people I thought were friends and following that by a whole arena filled with people. Knowing it was a dream I walked up to them and let myself go, just in order to see what came out of my mouth and it went like this: ‘After all I did for you! After all the work I put into your company, how can you treat me like this?! I thought we had a connection?!’ And the answer was ‘We are not interested in you. We can have what you have anyway. You have given it, so don’t start moaning now. You said it was free. So move along.’ The doormat principle from my last dream. And to that the ‘I give but I expect back principle’ which I then do not quantify – story of my life. Those are two principles to get clear in dealing with people I guess. Ghegheghe, just  mistyped that and wrote poep first, that is the Dutch word for shit, ghegheghe… my dark side po(e)ping up. 😀 I guess I have some work to do 😀

I fear: finance

I want: a ship with money to come in.

I need: well, there is a difference there in what I think I need for my development and what the world needs me to fix financially. Currently it feels like the two clash. I think I have the idea that what I am supposed to do is not what I am not doing. But I don’t know what it is that I am supposed to do. And just now I think I might be hiding in my course development thinking ‘I am doing good’ while I am actually still hiding in there from reality. We shall see.

I take: should be doing some Bach remedies but did not get to it.

3 things that went well: my course, my attitude during the course, my not drinking after the course. I realised yesterday that these were to moments that I used to drink most, after events I had organised. To ‘even out emotions’? Settle all the birds inside. For a few seconds my feelings walked that road. Not going to describe it here but I guess you know the restlessness. Not that I was in any danger, it’s just that I thought it made a big difference. And it allowed me to write this post and try to understand how it all works.

Hope I have not bored you with yet another long unedited post. Wishing you a nice day / evening!

xx, Feeling

9 Months sober

I’m 9 months sober today. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Lots of work to do for my first trial course tomorrow. So, short post 🙂 Deadline surfing again…

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

Lots of revelations on Whit Sunday

– My body told me it wants me to be more physically active in order to get oxygen and get life into the corners of it. Let’s see. 🙂

– I had a beautiful talk with the store man last Friday and he put on this song ‘let the sunshine in’. I had forgotten about that and I have been trying to get that feeling back but I noticed it is not easy. This really opened something up. And with that… I realised that no matter I am open about anything, I actually am a person that is physically and energetically closed off. I can not let the sweat things of life bring me pleasure. I need to learn that because I’ll go acid if I don’t. Funny that I was thinking about that when a yoga teacher in the store said ‘People who take in too much of the bitter or sour taste, can not enjoy the sweetness of life’. How’s that for a ‘don’t drink beer or wine’. 🙂 So this morning I tried to connect to the sweetness of life. I’m actually reading ‘The Celestine prophecy’ for the 5th time in my life (yes I know it is badly written ;-)) Aaah, F. that, I’m not going to apologise to me or you anymore. I read that book because it brings me good things.

So I tried to connect and I realise I am this closes off tight ass who can’t let the nurturing goodness into me. No wonder I have an issue with sugar. Sugar in the Eastern philosophy is known as Good. Not real sugar sugar, but as energy of life and goodness and joy. So I guess I’m going to focus on that, I think it includes looking into reasons of needing to close myself off for things and energy that come from the outside.

– While trying to connect I suddenly thought of my course this Tuesday and I noticed this tightening in my gut. It is what I do in order to control things. I went into ‘control mode’ and  ‘power mode’ immediately. I don’t want to go there anymore. I notice now that with that I want to fix situations because I am afraid if I don’t it will run out of control and ‘they’ will run over me. But I’ve been speaking with the store man on the subject of the difference between being able to discriminate (differentiate?) between things and judging. Jeeez, I get so irritated with being screamed at ‘YOU SHOULD NOT BE JUDGING!’. Once and for all to anybody who does not hear: I AM VERY MUCH OK WITH JUDGING!! PEOPLE NEED TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD IN ORDER TO LIVE! IT IS THE CONDEMNING THAT IS NOT A GOOD CONCEPT. I need to judge, specifically in sobriety.

Taking the next step and coming up with a verdict, condemning and labeling is not the way to go, but deciding ‘yes’ and ‘no’ is totally fine. And hard to stick with, yes. Well, we spoke about it and came to the conclusion that condemning and labeling are not a good idea because it fixes energy on the subject or situation and whatever we resist, persist. Secondly, labelling and condemning diminish our opportunities in life. And I don’t want that, I want freedom. Freedom to choose is one of those.

I have come to look upon life and choices as a tree, if you have done math or statistics you might see a decision tree. A tree has a trunk, I would say this is where I am and obviously time moves, so things happen and I need choices. There is a branch that says ‘I am happy that I quit’ and a branch that says ‘Unhappy that I quit’. The branch that says ‘I am happy that I quit has next thoughts to it like ‘I really enjoy writing my blog and it helps me sort stuff out’ or ‘Let’s go for a walk in the sun because I enjoy that.’ While the other branch has all these ‘shit, I feel awful’ and variations of that on it. The end of that branch is somewhere in the supermarket next to the cans of beer.

So, I am trying to take care of my labelling because it gets me stuck in situations and I can not see the rest of it. But it is difficult (currently seeing a tree with only difficult situations before me). So I should rephrase: I have been labelling for all of my life and I am currently looking into unlearning it because I believe it brings me more opportunities. And I notice that I feel a need to explain that I am no good at this at all and that it is difficult. So I make a statement and withdraw it in order not to get shot. Hmmmm. The constant thought that there is somebody around trying to break down what I say or do. Life used to be like that. That is what continuous teasing results in, continues bickering, continuous arguments and discussions with the ‘if I am right I am superior’ attitude that I know so well. Time to let go.

I guess Buddha finally came to the ‘I do not care if I drink or not’ version of it or maybe alcohol was not an issue to consider at all. But I’m not there yet because I walked the ‘happy that I drink’ road for too long. Btw, buddhist are not into drinking. 🙂

The store man added: attachment (labelling) is not good or bad but it is good to have knowledge about the attachment and how it works.

And we spoke about his smoking weed. I told him that I, with what I know from alcohol that addiction is not a good concept. I also told him that I have no problem with him smoking ( I mean, it’s not like he will quit because of me telling him to, will he?) but that I need to take care of ME. And if his smoking has an effect on me, I will leave and that therefore I sometimes dislike it when he lights a 3rd and I leave then. Funny enough he was very happy that I told him that. And I told him that he was the only non-professional person who knew about me drinking and quitting. He appreciated that but more importantly and God, I should have known, he started speaking about how ashamed he is about his smoking. So, his idea or my judgement actually kept him from speaking about it. It is amazing. I should have known. Well, not my burden to carry which brings me to my dream of last night.

I dreamed that I was in a cosy village and the sun was shining. Somebody said, I need to do this project for school, don’t feel like it and I immediately answered ‘give it to me, I’ll do it’. At which he left and I picked it up and finished it. It took waaaay longer than I thought and in between he went fishing. And I woke up thinking: helping people is not bad, but automatically laying myself down as a matt to be walked over is not a good concept. In the last 5 years I’ve been working as a volunteer for several organisations, mainly because I could learn stuff there but I always ended up feeling betrayed because the financial promises were never kept (over more than 1500 hours in total). I don’t need money for lending a helping hand. I do like promises to be kept. And somehow I am in this stream where people don’t keep promises to me.

Things are changing a little, I work at the store so now and then, and the store man has offered me payment (in due time – since there is very little money currently- so tiny, tiny change only). I don’t help there for payment but still. I should not let it keep me from helping me. I have practised, I had a friend over last week 3 days out of 5. I actually ok-ed for him to come and dis-invited his boyfriend. I just could not deal with 2 people in my tiny house, and he came to stay in my city because of events, not in the first place for me.

Together they take ages to move out of my livingroom/atelier/office when they are together. So I said no to 2 people and did not get any breakfast for the one friend because that would take another 2 hours of waiting for him to get up, clean, make breakfast, get into a conversation blablabla… And now it is still 16:13 and I have not done ANY WORK because visitors is not only at that moment, but it is also that things don’t get done while taking care of them. Like writing my blog. I need to learn to deal with this before it gets out of hand. Again, I need to develop boundaries where there were none. These are funny because I have a lot of prejudice about it. I don’t want to feel this weak, I don’t want to be the door matt. I read the Bach remedy about this. It is one of the remedies ‘I will never take because that is NOT me.’ 🙂 Something about denial. 😉

I’m off, going to do stuff.

I am happy that I quit.

I fear/am anxious about finishing my course and cleaning the whole house and the outside stairs for Tuesday.

I take: nothing at current but I will get the Bach remedy that is on ‘being closed up – un accessible for the sweetness of life’, not sure which one this is. And the other on being the door matt.

Things that went well today: I reall had a nice insightfull breakfast in the sun, very early in the morning. I logged the new developments here. And ooh yes! I actually, against the stream of what the addict in me wanted to happen, moved to sit at a table, eat my food and not watch some cooking program during. And when I wanted to read I noticed that it was not good. So I ate mindfully. NEW!!! I tried before but I was always on edge and now I could just do it and realise what it is about and it felt like punishment. Now it was ok. That is good. Babysteps, babysteps.

I want: to work

I need:  to work 🙂

Have a nice day with Whitsun revelations 🙂

xx, Feeling

The price I pay for staying in lalaland

These last few days I have been very much confronted with the price I pay for having stayed in Lalaland too long. The above picture is one of lalaland, sort of how it came to me in an Ayahuasca session. I guess what hurts me the most is that, as I wrote this morning, I did not properly say goodbye to my mom. Well, of course I was sober when with her, apart for one time :-/, but I feel I did not get to let go of the grieve correctly. When she died I was already addicted. Which is easy to say because I was addicted from drink one. I think around that time I drank 3-4 nights a week 3-4 pints. With ever so now and then waaaaaay more. I notice that there are layers within me that do not know she’s dead yet. That hurts.

And I feel guilty I blew a fortune of halve a house on what worked out to be ‘trying to set up a company’ in a consumer goods. I am not a flashy consumer marketer. I am an engineer. I should stick with that. Two third of that money was inheritance and one-third of that money was my own but still… I blew it because I was drinking. If I was not I might have pulled the plug out earlier or worked on it more effectively.

Because of the moving into another line of work I let go of my old contacts and network. Not smart. And now I feel too ‘labelled’ with misfortune (and my own label ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’) that I do not have the guts to contact them. I guess it will take time before I feel sure enough on my business feet to face these people.

I wrecked my body but what worries me more is that I wrecked my brain. I’m not sure if it is really damaged but I still have this addicty attitude of ‘not wanting to be in the moment’ and I think because of that I register things badly. And I feel so insecure about it that it cripples me when speaking with people of my profession.The price I pay.

I also feel guilty of drinking when the cat got her litter. I had promised myself to not drink 10 days around her date but I made it to day 4 and then drank 2 days half and the 3rd day I had 3 pints and they were born that night. I felt so guilty about that that I was stressed and that stressed the cat too. She was doing fine and suddenly she looked up to me totally insecure asking me ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I immediately realised then that I was just radiating insecurity and fear and she picked up on it. It did teach me a lot, and nothing went wrong but still. It was not good.

And I did loads of stupid things when I was an angry young women. Mostly self destructive stupid things but no matter what, that dragged people around me into the atmosphere of my addiction too. Now I’m just an angry older women.

That’s another point: the not processing of emotions. I spent thousands on therapy and courses which, I don’t know but I guess they would have been twice, three times, ten times as effective if I had not drunk. Not that I drank during the day, but sometimes, with difficult things, I would drink the evening before and the evening after. So… I know now that takes away from the learning effect. Then I just wanted to ‘feel safe’. Which is the nice version of ‘not feel’. And there’s more, but this is a difficult post and I just want to get to bed.

I fear: everything I take: nothing I want: to sleep and not wake up. Wow! (No, not really, just mentioning a tendency, what gets reflected back when I ask. Strange day it is today. I am at 11 or 12 days no sugar and getting bored with what I am eating because I’ve lost interest due to the lack of cravings because I now have a (more) stable blood sugar level. Also, I shop cheap in order to safe money so I don’t get all the tasty expensive stuff. I need to look into that because I have learned that this boredom is the beginning of something bingy coming up. Yes, something bingy coming up: somewhere at 17:00 ish I decided that I had earned sugar. I found that a funny addicty description but I took ginger ale (ale, not the cordial) 1/5 and mixed it with sparking water. I took one sip and felt it going down and it felt bad. Bad, bad, bad. And that is the price I pay for being in lalaland too long: weird shit going on with my health and not enough intellectual stability to deal with that.

Funny enough something in me (it felt like my body) was trying to convince me to take it and I wondered, is this how it would feel to drink alcohol? Feel stupid, feel that it is wrong and still want it? I stuck with the ‘how does it feel’ and put the glas away. And haha, there it comes: I picked it up just in order to see if it still tasted bad. Now THAT is familiar, but in my life only recognisable in others: this is how little kids learn. Tell them they are not allowed to do something and they will test another 2 times if you were serious. Somebody once told me that is not lack of respect or being stupid, it is just how we are wired.

So, I sat down, seeing what would happen, trying to inform myself that sugar is not the same as alcohol and that I should wind down. Did not work. Then I realised that this ‘lapse, relapse, collapse’ thought has very much settled in my brain against my will. I fear that thought itself. Like walking around with a time bomb. I have difficulty dealing with it because it undermines my idea of control (very addicty) but yes, it undermines my idea of control and that is very uncomfortable when it comes to booze. But while I was trying to think, didn’t go very well because of the fear, I wondered: ‘What if it were alcohol? It is not even alcohol and you have difficulty putting it away even though it does not go down well at all. You have tasted it, found that it was foul and still you are yearning? What is going on?’ (parts of me speak to me :-D)

Nothing big happened there apart from me realising that I did think it was awful so why the heck would I drink it? I did not. It did not bother me anymore after I connected with how I had felt. I guess I should practise that because it feels like there is truth in that.

So, I had a shitty day workwise, I DELETED a file for a course / book I had been working on for a few hours. I mean, last time that happened was when I was, what 25? But then found a better way to do the file anew so that was fixed in no time. Maybe that was good, but it did not feel good. I was very tired after that. I think it was good I had the reconnect to feeling with the sugar drink experience. Even though it does sound I have gone over the top with my food things. You know, I do think that I have, but I feel I am not there where I need to be with my health so I continue searching. I do want to get rid of the worries about it, trust my body, but that is hard.

I am happy that I quit in a sort of obligatory (is that the right word?) way. Not really feeling it. That is because I feel little progress. Which is why progress is good. When I feel progress I feel alive and I don’t worry about the happy or not. Meh, too tired, need to get to bed. And again I did not get to the 3 things good. Isn’t that… informative. Another good thing: the cat is going outside again. No, a thing about me. I enjoyed a real nice apple today. 🙂 It was an ecological Granny Smith from Italy. I normally only like these when they are from Argentina, in the season, but this one was very good. 🙂 And I guess that detailed moaning and comparing is making me miserable. Pfffff. I should practise enjoying good things.

Hope you have a GOOD day or evening. 🙂 xx, Feeling

It takes 8 months

This man got a bike that goes right when he turns left and visa versa. It took him 8 months to learn to ride it. And then it took him 20 minutes to learn to ride a normal bike again. I am not sure I agree with his explanation but I do think it has an analogy with addiction. Or no matter what: it is fun :-).

I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘shit I really need to get a move on and pfiew glad I don’t drink anymore’ kind of way. I am trying to get back to the profoundly happy that I quit but worries get in the way. Now I try to separate the worries from being happy. Logically they are not linked. My mother had cancer and it was breaking down her body. She was still happy, she had learned to separate these. (And I guess she did a lot of hiding her fear and stress….) I miss her so much. I guess this is the hardest part of the price I pay for having spent so much time in lalaland: not having closed the dealing with her death. I thought I had, but the hurt of her going is still there, the unfinished business. More and more I get the feeling to ‘Oooh, I’ll call my mother.’ and then realise she is not here anymore.

I fear: well pffff, shitloads.

I want: to have breakfast

I need: to have breakfast

I take: nothing, just fully sugarless. Less fog but not the clarity I remember from when I was 19. (Ghegheghe….)

Things that went well: the work I am doing, what I do is good. Working with consumers is different: they all want a piece of me, I get e-mails as long as my posts discussing technical things. That is rather tiring. There are a few things that I follow up on and that continue to just go well. I should be proud of / happy with kicking the sugar but somehow I think I should not have get hooked at the first place. Hmmm

And there is something funny going on: I keep on meeting up people who have no money at all and are generally in a rut. Walking along the wrong energy lines here. 🙂 Let’s see how to deal with that.

And with writing that I did not even come to the 3rd thing that is going well. This talking stuff down is pretty much alive in me. Well, with writing down 3 things that are going well or that I have done well I realise that I am never content and always think I should have done better. That revelation is sinking in by now. That is good, in a sad way. Doing it again! My god this is difficult. I guess I need to watch the video again: it takes 8 months to unlearn a pattern if once practises every day. I will add ‘things that go well’ to the list on my egg timer. The current list is ‘stand up straight’ (I try to work standing at least half of the day), ‘shoulders back’ and ‘breathe’. One thing that I did good: type a post. 🙂

I hope you have a happy sober / clean day or evening!

xx, Feeling

Less perfectionism and life

Ghegheghe, just realised that I did something totally NEW!!! I send out a date invitation for my new course for the end of this week or the beginning of next week ….. while I have not even finished the content. 😀 Ghegheghe. I have NEVER in my whole life done that. Is it smart? Don’t know. I have never done that. I guess I am less anxious about failing, more sure of my ability to draw something up. Well, it is a basic course. I should be able to draw it up in 2 days. 🙂  And I don’t have time to stall. We shall see.

I am on day 10 without sugar, I lost 2 kilo’s in total. The cravings/urges get less but I also do not notice when I am hungry anymore and then it hits me when I almost I fall over. That is strange, today I went 6 hours without food, strange. Not sure if it is a no sugar effect or if it was already there and a side effect of one of the Schuessler salts I used to take. So I really need to get back to setting the clock to see if I should eat, otherwise I work, work, work, work, work and …. work. And it is really good that I have this blog because up to now I had not noticed that I do that. Isn’t it intriguing how addiction works? Drop alcohol and watching films, move into sugar and blogging, drop sugar, move into working. Hmmm… working is good, but I moderation is still a thing. Working on it, sort of ish, it’s more that right now I get dizzy and my head is spinning with too much focussed screen time since 9:00 this morning. And the learning I do is: ‘Aaah, I did it again! I know I should not do this.’ So I need to take the other step tomorrow and plan what I will be doing when tomorrow and plan free time and outside exercise time too. I’ll get there.

I fear: that I might not get there before the money runs out. If I were to pay all outstanding tax and rent I would not be eating now. So that’s a bit of a…. bummer?

I want: things to be easy, somebody coming up to me and offering me a book deal for my technical work and at least 10.000 in advance.

I need: to get my head out of the sand? Don’t know. Really don’t know. This weekend I went garden shopping with the husband of a friend. My friend hates it but I loved it and it was to this very special ecological place. It was beautiful, I had a really good time. He too, but he was seriously shopping with lists and Latin names of plants, I just assisted with the carrying and the sorting the strongest plants – for 3 hours…. :-D. As a gift he bought me 2 bags of eco sand for my pots. 🙂 Yeah! And… he carried it up the stairs, they were about 25 kg, each so I was VERY HAPPY with that. When he was gone I cried because I was so happy with this large tiny gift that it hurt. It has been a long time that I have just been given something material, been taken care of without having to ask. I need to be able to unburden. I can’t. No parents, little family and not the sort of chique problems I can unload at the doorstep of a friend. ‘Hey, I lied to you about being depressed, well I was but actually I was addicted to alcohol, I blew my own projects and am without money now.’ Hmmm. Not exactly without. So there is still hope but yeah.

I am proud: I will change this category into, What went good today. What went good today: I slept so deep that I slept through a sms. That is NEW! I started the day with reading in a good book instead of Facebook (which has now become work :-/) and that is good because I need to get away from this screen. And I just saw my neighbours getting home,  carrying a big bag of all kinds of fried food and so drunk they needed to support each other. When I said ‘Enjoy your dinner.’ She answered; ‘It’s my third day on a diet, so that’s going well….’  I thought I was slow on the progress, but I am making progress. I am there were I have chosen not to drink and actually have got a little grip on my funny eating habits and can change them because I would love to be healthy, not because I hate my excess femininity. That is good, that is progress all over.

I spoke a junior friend of mine, a friend of hers is in serious trouble with abusive caretakers. The girls don’t speak about it. The mother of the abused girl knows but she says her daughter is making it up to get attention. From what I hear I think the abuse is true, it is all wrapped up in this child-logic ‘If she tells, they will say she is making a fuss and then they’ll say that she is too unruly to go home.’ And ‘She is very sad, she does not want to live anymore.’ They make photos now of the bruises. The abuse includes a dislocated jaw. I had a rough time with taking this in today. Then I decided. I will just do what needs to be done: get advice from people who know how to handle this and leave it with those where it belongs as soon as possible. And NOT let it throw me of balance. The thought in itself is new and good. And yes, this situation is exactly what I do not need now, but that is not how it works is it. My physiotherapist said: sometimes situations return to your life because you yourself have unfinished business. I guess she’s right. Another thing: take care not to project my teenage issues on the girls. I have difficulty with this world.

I am happy that I quit drinking. Not as happy as I was in the beginning. I am at the second wave of ‘if it is this easy, I’m not really addicted.’ It is a TRAP! I know! And no, I don’t want to drink, but there is something eating away my resolve. I don’t like it but I can’t find where it is coming from, just that I am too tired to keep this resolve up all the time. I guess I need to learn to relax there where I can. I have not done that yet. Hmmm, I am still trying to live at maximum resolve but I think don’t need that when I’m at home, or sleeping? Do you have something like that?

I take: nothing, yes, eco dandelion salad to up my bile production. It is lovely.

Hope you have a nice sober / clean night and day.

xx, Feeling

The fog is leaving, insights are coming and other people

So, am I happy I am now 6 days sugar free. The fog is leaving me. I get more energy and hence a little restless writing this because I want to do things. I’ve set up a mini course in my field of knowledge and presented it to consumers on Facebook rather than companies and it gets a lot of attention. The free trial to see test the program and schedule (and my ability to work with non-professionals…) had 10 subscriptions in half an hour already. It makes me feel good. 🙂

Part of my road is to learn that I can not live without people. It is a lesson I am somehow not willing to learn. A hangover free life’s post of today gave me some insight in why I think I think I need to distantiate. I thought today ‘I have a blog so I don’t get interrupted or messed with while thinking and feeling things through.’ I am not a group person. I don’t think group likes me very much either. Working on that. I am realising the last days that I actually like and need to be seen, that it makes me happy, that it feels healthy and that I have a need to be appreciated (as in ‘not being de-appreciated’). Acknowledging that is a big step.

Not sure how long it is going to take to make the next step and enjoy other people myself, because of them, not for me. Yes, sorry. No I don’t want to disregard our friendship. And I know I am not supposed to be that way, and no, it is not a 100% so, I am speaking of the tendency I have. Maybe I am coming to this point where they say; ‘and then you learn it is not all about you.’ Which is a very legit statement, however I have never heard anybody say or write it with love, so I don’t like to hear or read it.

I am guessing this not knowing how to energetically deal with people is a combination of my ‘Asperger upbringing’ speaking and this part where I feel I ‘miss a protective layer of my aura’ – not sure how to call it but everything affects me different from most people.

I am reading back and I know I can leave out the 3 paragraphs on connecting to people. And possibly I could have but I, I want to show what is me. And what I am dealing with. I feel like I am at this seesaw of extreme emotions. One day I feel totally connected and loving and then I run home to deal with it and go to this isolated place where it is lonely but peaceful. I guess, also with connections I have not really found a way to handle what comes in through the door and what goes out. Did I ever tell you that even my house has doors that do not close by themselves, all the locks are funny. 1 Door is shut and cannot be opened without breaking it. And all the other 3 doors have handle thingies that do not handle. How typical.

Well, happy that I am on day 6 of no sugar.

Happy that I quit drinking. Still difficult to get into the feeling. It is a knowing and I want to get to the feeling of it. So, might as well do as I tell others; ‘Sit down and try to notice what keeps you from being happy about it.’ Ok, I am not feeling happy about having quit because it is taking very long. And I want things to be over. Aaah, I want to be normal and to drink normal. Hmmmm… Not to have to always take care, not to have to, in the back of my mind have this worry that I walk around being a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

Now THAT is informative….. Hmmmm :-S. So I experience the having to take care of me as a burden. I guess that has been so since I found my BP has gone up. I think if I look back I see posts that score below a 6 on the happiness scale since then. I don’t have it in my to change my feelings about that now. I guess I have just got to work my way through it with caring. Doing what I should be doing anyhow. Having the pressure of procrastinating exercise is also giving pressure. Hmmm. I’ve had it. I’m off, going to do stuff.

I want: to do stuff
I need: to stick to my schedule and have breaks (aaah… that word again)
I take: some Schuessler salt on high BP
I fear: well, next to all the things I deny I currently fear nothing.

Have a nice day everybody,

xx, Feeling

Sugar, the gateway drug

Before I quit drinking, I started to study the subject of addiction. In the beginning it was mostly on medical sites. I worried about delirium tremens a lot, which, in hindsight, was, in my case, most probably just another way of stalling. But still, it had a function because I started learning about addiction and I could do so easily because I was still drinking and not worried by the anxiety of ‘not having my quick fix to life’.

Being me, I ended up not at the bottom of a 12 step plan but in the darker corners of the internet and alternative treatments. The ‘high cooky, high chocolate’ treatment that is regular in the older sober traditions is believe to be Bad in the alternative corner. With what I have read so for I assume that sugar is the gateway drug that sets the path to addiction. And of course I have searched far enough to find medically educated people saying the same. Here is Bart Hoebel, professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Princeton University:

http://foodaddictionsummit.org/webcast/hoebel.html

I have watched this vid just to the point where I know I am right with (yes, sorry, that is still strong in me). Mr Hoebel is researching if or not obesity is an addiction, in the sideline he discovers that sugar is addictive and lays down a path of addiction in the brain. People who have been binging on sugar are, in time of withdrawal, susceptible to alcohol and other addictions.

Logically, well, again, my logic, people with hypoglycemia (unstable blood sugar levels) who, after every high are experiencing a sort of withdrawal in small or in big ways, will have the same gain. Which is exactly what Dr. Joan Mathews Larson says. She is an addiction specialist and runs a clinic in the USA where addicts detox on a high dose of nutrients and healthy food in order to restore the imbalance in the body that has been caused by addiction and set a firm ground for the mind and spirit to follow too. She requires clients to quit eating sugar, drinking coffee and smoking too. These three uphold the neurological path of addiction and hence cause cravings that might be misunderstood as cravings for a favorite street drug or alcohol.

So much so far. Happy that I quit using refined sugar in all of its forms. Not using sweeteners either. I do eat bubblegum, but 2 pieces a day or so. My sugar urges are biggest say 5 to 10 minutes after a meal. Not sure why. I would say I would say that is counter logical – if that is even a word. If you would know what would cause that I would be happy to hear it. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Yeah, 1,5 kilo down!

Yeah, 4-5 days continuously without sugar and I lost 1,5 kilo without changing anything else in my ‘diet’. Eh….. 30 to go. 😀 No… not. I am happy that I quit sugar. And I am guessing you will be happy that I quit moaning about it. Progress is good, it makes me happy. Happy is good, it keeps me from drinking. Well, not that I think I would drink if I was unhappy. Not sure, it is an addiction after all. But ha! I don’t have to worry about it because I am making progress and I am happy and I am not there where I would like to drink so no worry. 🙂 🙂 🙂

I just noticed that I am pretty exact-like in anything, boring and possibly shocking people with details on anything but I never told anybody how much I weigh. Funny isn’t it. There must be a taboo there. Let’s see what happens if I let the beast out: I am 1,67 and 82 kilo’s now. I come from 87,5 kilo’s. Ha, it very much feels like it is none of your business (sorry, this is an experiment) and I feel uncomfortable mentioning it :-D. My mind is making up all kinds of things why I should not mention it. Funny how I wrote in my ‘About’ exactly how much I drank because I need that out there to ‘come clean’ and I am hiding my weight. It feels the same but is it? Not sure. Does knowing my weight change anything for you? (You are allowed to say that you are happy that I am fatter than you :-D)

I am happy that I quit. Because otherwise I would be in the same trouble but have not way to figure it out.

I am happy that I quit sugar, not doing it 100% strict but 99%, and that is good. And no pressure. Just see how it goes. I think today I am happy because the fog is leaving and also because I DID IT!! It is so peaceful to not having to hide from the talking that says ‘I should actually quit’. Why worry so much: I have a mild version of hypoglycemia and diabetes runs in my family so obviously our build is such that we do not stomach sugar well. And it gets me sooooo depressed when eaten in large quantities. Ooh, and I am an addict so I can only do the black or white, not the grey and not the moderation.

I am proud of having done that, I am proud of how I have, in the last days tried to find ways to lower my BP, exercise, Falun Dafa, relaxation, be with people, go to bed on time, breathe, lessen the screen time.

I want: everything to be easy, no I would be lost if that was the case. Hmmmmm.. food for thought.

I need: to get a move on but without the stress and since I can not yet do that I need to take it one step at the time. And I guess that is EXACTLY the lesson that is in there. Hmmm.

I fear: the same shit. And I fear that I, by now (actually by a month ago) have started really boring you with my non developments and moaning.

I take: a few salts on high BP.

I hope you have a nice day / evening / night!

xx, Feeling

Pema Chödrön on ‘How to fail’

Pema Chödrön on ‘How to fail’ on the beautiful Tricycle blog; a Budhist approach to life and addiction.

Amongst which this video ‘Causes and Conditions of addiction’

http://www.tricycle.com/online-retreats/making-friends-your-demons-and-hungry-ghosts-buddhist-tools-recovery/causes-and-cond

Hope you enjoy.

xx, Feeling