Yesterdays course was interesting. I had a good chance to deal with perfection during the course. I’m not sure how to continue though, the field of work I am in requires a shitload of technical knowledge and I worked out yesterday that I need even more of that to actually come to a good result of the course. Which is a funny statement. I think sentence one contradicts sentence two. :-D. Not sure how to deal with that. Currently trying to stay out of going from one extreme where I am FANTASTIC to the other where I am utterly useless. That’s addicty behavior, it is about not dealing with what is. Well, I need to get my head screwed on right in order to see how to continue but before I do that I have this revelation (well, personal revelation) to put in writing.
I was thinking, through all these 9 months I have not been drinking and only the last 2 weeks or so have been sugar-free. But still I have fog in my head. My body says it needs oxygen and movement. Had little of that in the last days due to preparing for the course. And ha, I don’t want to think about it because I still have this ‘my body might feel like moving but I think it is horrible’ mode over me. The other day D commented on my will power. I don’t have any of it, I do it all by feel and listening to my body. I’m not sure if I should ‘man up’ – I feel like I break things when I do. I notice if I do stuff on will power only I get the results a few days later with a tremendous swing the other way. That feels dangerous because I have the idea that in that swing to the other side is the ‘Ooh, I might as well drink too’ thought. And that is why I don’t force me. And why my bank account is (almost) empty :-/. Well, we have this saying, ‘the quay turns the ship’.
Shit what a messy paragraph, that’s 3 or 4 subjects. Well, that’s how it’s linked in my head. Continue with the fog: I want to get rid of it because I feel it is part of my addiction. Either my body or mind not wanting to be clear. I want to be clear, transparant, readable, present. Not by definition ‘open’ but clear on where I am not available and where I am. I want to be so at peace where I can be all those things above. Actually I am not sure why I want that. I guess that is what GP1 had at the moment I thought ‘I want what you have.’ Beautiful mind imprint that still makes me smile even now. 🙂 Speaking about boundaries without rejecting me. Thank you GP1. 🙂
Well, I want to get rid of the fog because I feel I hide something there for me. And knowing me I punish myself on the road to reaching that. I have been not eating what I think is bad. And funny enough the other day I read that EXACTLY all I eat, might actually be bad for my Chi (life force). This bugs me of course, it worries me because it got me off balance and next of course is the ‘don’t I ever do anything good.’ and the ‘how long does it take until I am finally in a restful happy place’ ** I am generally happy (ok, -ish) but now I come to think of it there is this fictional (?) Shangri la in my head waiting when I am clear.
( ** That thought needs looking into, like I am not alive now because I am, what, sick? In recovery? No perfect? – Not being alive until it is good, another mental sidestep out of the here and now. )
Since a while I notice this cold place in my belly, it feels like a big stone, two hands big in my gut. Brrrrr, cold. Not enough life force the Chi-people say. I can see that happening. I put this energetic break on everything that could safe me from financial wreckage. Guess I still don’t believe Andrelon. I think I can / could be doing everything it takes to get healthy in my mind en emotional state etc, to get balanced but if I don’t believe I’m worth it – will it settle? I don’t think so. It is like trying to quit drinking and not being happy about that – that is difficult and it takes 10.001 times more strength than just sitting back and enjoying sober life.
Whaa, back to the sugar and the clean food diet: There are ways two get to enlightenment in life. There is a way of letting go totally and seeing what life brings and there is the way of discipline. I’ve done the way of letting go, it brought me to a rock-bottom which actually is a VERY GOOD SOLID POINT to leave from. 🙂 And now I try the way of discipline, but slowly. And this morning I thought: but still you are trying to get away from what is by eating according to a clean food diet but you are NOT embracing health and love and life. It could actually be more of a punishment than a way to look for health.
It’s a very cold ‘health’ I am currently building. The other day a women of 60 something walked into the store and she is very sexual – in a lively way, not tacky, possibly a little addicty. But she is enjoying life and ‘kundalini’. She spoke about the sweetness of life. And I thought, I am not accepting that. My bowels don’t take in the nutrients they get, I have difficulty being loved. I can’t EVEN THINK of having sex or being close to somebody – another form of taking in. It might be that finally my youth experiences are coming up but I feel there is something in me not accepting things as they are. I guess it is a strength too because I can walk a very lonely route through life and be ok with that but still. I think I need to move trees for another time. I am in the working through knowledge on food in order to get nutrients in and try to get better. Maybe I should go to the tree where I love myself and have less urge to ‘get better’ 😉 and possibly from there can actually accept life and the nutrients that it brings.
I think life’s decisions come up with where I plant my being in the universe of possibilities. Like if I plant me in the ‘I hate quitting’ area it is most likely that on the branches of my tree hangs a big relapse. So, shift trees. Shit, I’ve done so many shifting of trees. Pfffffff…. Crying now. I’m afraid and I am tired of looking and doing things on my own. But even help is difficult to accept :-), hug me when I’m crying and I’ll stop immediately. But I guess I’m on a good road with trying to work this out.
That was revelation one. Revelation two is about the need to be addicted to something. I find it so strange how this addict part of me works. I quit booze, move to blogging and Netflixing and sugar. Now I quit sugar and I literally hear this voice in me saying ‘But I want to be addicted to something!’ I can not remember when this looking for the comfort place sneaked into my life. I feel it has a lot to do with regulating strong emotions. Now I do exiting stuff with the course I find that emotions fly EVERYWHERE, it’s like a swarm of birds in a frenzy. Not sure what changed but I can sometimes somehow sit inside me and see them fly by like crazy and wonder ‘If this happened when I was a child, no wonder I could not deal’. Something with holding space. And then something with breathing through that.
I am happy that I quit. I worry about my future financially. But I guess if I plant my tree in the forest that says ‘I don’t even love me’ I might not be very good at finding a job. How can I love me? I did such stupid, hurtful things. Last night I dreamed that I got shunned by some people I thought were friends and following that by a whole arena filled with people. Knowing it was a dream I walked up to them and let myself go, just in order to see what came out of my mouth and it went like this: ‘After all I did for you! After all the work I put into your company, how can you treat me like this?! I thought we had a connection?!’ And the answer was ‘We are not interested in you. We can have what you have anyway. You have given it, so don’t start moaning now. You said it was free. So move along.’ The doormat principle from my last dream. And to that the ‘I give but I expect back principle’ which I then do not quantify – story of my life. Those are two principles to get clear in dealing with people I guess. Ghegheghe, just mistyped that and wrote poep first, that is the Dutch word for shit, ghegheghe… my dark side po(e)ping up. 😀 I guess I have some work to do 😀
I fear: finance
I want: a ship with money to come in.
I need: well, there is a difference there in what I think I need for my development and what the world needs me to fix financially. Currently it feels like the two clash. I think I have the idea that what I am supposed to do is not what I am not doing. But I don’t know what it is that I am supposed to do. And just now I think I might be hiding in my course development thinking ‘I am doing good’ while I am actually still hiding in there from reality. We shall see.
I take: should be doing some Bach remedies but did not get to it.
3 things that went well: my course, my attitude during the course, my not drinking after the course. I realised yesterday that these were to moments that I used to drink most, after events I had organised. To ‘even out emotions’? Settle all the birds inside. For a few seconds my feelings walked that road. Not going to describe it here but I guess you know the restlessness. Not that I was in any danger, it’s just that I thought it made a big difference. And it allowed me to write this post and try to understand how it all works.
Hope I have not bored you with yet another long unedited post. Wishing you a nice day / evening!