Pffff, walking on this path where I’m not good enough. Where everything that had value now looks ridiculous. Yesterday I was content with how I do sobriety, now it feels utterly useless.
So what’s going on? Having difficulty with how Christmas went down. Happy with visiting the bookstore man, unhappy with being disinvited by a friend (hi). Can’t even speak. I don’t want to have to realise that I can not live this life on my own. And next that living with others comes with getting hurt.
My mother once told me that she, at a very early age had decided that she could not depend on her parents and she remembered closing herself off for them as an emotional/physical/energetical act. At that moment she was actually (still?) sort of proud of having done that. The arrogant misunderstanding of life is what I think I need to deal with now. I’m thinking every addict has to go through this since I read (snide) remarks of old-timers like “Hahaha, yeah and it is just me, myself and I, not?!” So that obviously says that there is a problem there. And the standard test I had to do for the detox center intake (which I did not go to because I did not trust them …) asked if I had trust issues. So I guess there’s a thing with trust and addiction going on.
I remember an early post where I claimed not to have trust issues but stating that other people were not trustworthy as a fact “So who has the trust issue?!”. 😀 Nope, not lacking arrogance. Come to think of it, maybe, maybe, the toughness, the hardness and the elevation I find on arrogance has to do with not wanting to feel how fragile we are (I am!) without it.
And then, walking around in while being fragile, while being open, while experiencing the hurt and not drinking it away. Pfiew. THAT is the real tough part. I realise that over the last weeks I have turned aggressive towards people who drink or use pot and the damage they do to others because they don’t realise the severity of emotions because they can drink or smoke it away. Guys at work, more than half of them, ‘have’ women on the side, like having sex with other women next to the woman they have children with and live with. Obviously this makes me curious so I asked if their women had lovers as well. “Totally not possible! I would kick the slut out!” The worst of them, a guy having ‘had’ 200 women or more downs a bottle of whiskey on an evening if he can and, well, hats of for the stamina (?) still sticks it in somebody else.
Noticing I am building up anger to reorganise myself. Not good. Need to stay with the original situation.
Wwawwlhd? She would have a shower and clean the house, read in a book and only then return to write about New Year’s resolutions. 🙂
Aaah, back. Did some basic cleaning, enough to have some friends over so that is good. Went for a bike trip, get some farm eggs and eco apples straight from the tree. Yes, this is the middle of winter and it is warm outside, grass is growing, daisies are flowering. Not good. It really gets to me. A lot of people do not seem to mind but with reference my fathers Sundayafternoon hammering on our teenage souls with the book of revelations and all kind of other end of time theories I find it difficult to keep a clear head. In the book of revelation it says that before the end of times the seasons will all get mixed up. Baba Vanga and I believe Nostradamous say the same. Next to that is, well, there is a shitload of predictions all running nicely and scaring me. 😦
Destruction is a big theme in my life. As long as I can remember the threat of destruction has been ‘out there’. My therapist says it is a projection of my own fear of dying. And with taking that projection back I get a visit from Kali. Thank you. While biking today and observing nature I tried to not get lost in my panic but take a look at it. I believe it is called awareness. I think I’m starting to understand how it works. There’s me, my ‘centre’ that what is aware and then there is the physical en energetic body which has emotions and impulses. I’m thinking the me, the body and the emotions are separate things. Guessing Kali showed that perfectly. 😦
Continuing that line: I’m thinking the idea is to not by definition be overwhelmed and taken on a ride by the emotions and impulses but to be able to be aware of them and see them as, well, information? Like I did with the ‘cravings’ I had for drinking: noticing them and then sidestepping this oncoming train of want. So I guess becoming more aware / being able to separate myself from impuls and reaction is something to strive for in the new year.
How will that help me? Well, I hope it helps me to be less anxious. And less anxious = good. 🙂 I also hope it will help me deal with other people better in, like, learning to listen better, not jump in with my own story seconds after (or before 😦 ) they finish their last sentence. And possibly both of these traits will help me be more aware of what is going on outside me so I don’t end up in somebody elses rollercoaster of emotions or worse; vibe of addiction.
I think I have skills in the feeling area and I am not using them to my full potential because, because, because…. hmmm, because I am scared to feel. But when I practise with my therapist doing the center -ground-breathe excercise it feels like I can deal with a lot more than I actually think I can. Because I do not center, do not ground, do ‘not’ breathe I get thrown all over the place by my own emotions and those of others and I stay ‘reactive’ – I believe the word is. I guess it is time to start using the egg-timer again to remind me off trying to be aware. Or meditate. Haha, that would be the 3rd, 4th, 5th or gazillionth time I would be thinking I should start meditating.
You know, I don’t like myself laughing at my tries to meditate. Why do I do that? Thinking….. because I want to intercept the projected ridicule I expect from readers? I think I have wayward energy, is that the word? Whimsical energy. My mind can not focus easily if I let myself go. My natural tendency is to be all over the place. At whatever moment in time I want to do 10 things at the same time. And when I live in that feeling I experience the freedom. Pin me down doing one thing and I get frustrated and anxious in no time. I’m feeling this needs to change because it is part of the addictive personality; this ‘not wanting to be here and in the moment’ mode is not constructive and I suspect therefor even destructive.
In the Ayahuasca ceremonies I did years ago the Ayahuasca spirit said: “You are so scared that you live outside of your body, trying to scan for all things dangerous to try and spot danger before it finds you. When you live inside your body you are more in contact with your intuition, are grounded more/have more stability/are stronger/less likely to be thrown off your feet/less likely to be attacked and you will still be able to spot the danger. You will spot danger even better because you are more in contact with your body.” These ‘conversations’ were happening in my head.
So, meditate, center, ground and breathe. I’m thinking it must pay off to be more aware and it might outweigh the pain of not being aware. Not sure yet. But I actually realise now that I don’t have a choice. If I want to continue in sobriety and develop I NEED to become more aware and need to learn to separate impulses from ‘me’. Oooooh shit! Pffffff. 😦 Moaning. Why tf did Life get to be so complicated? Why did I not learn this in school? (Or did I?) And I mean, I can be complaining but I’m guessing all of what I complain about is just a 1st world issue. 😦 Imagine living in Syria now. 😦
By now I’ve got so many funny words in my post that the NSA will read this too. Hi!!! 🙂 And now you are at it: could you please pull some strings and tell WordPress to reinstall the spellcheck? 🙂 Please, please, please???
I guess I could ask the bookstore man why Life wasn’t designed easier. And why awareness is needed. I mean, most good path have a logical reason. Don’t drink because it gives you headaches and destroys your health. I also read that the avarage alcoholic ‘takes down’ 8 people with him/her 😦 Don’t hurt people because they will leave you. Don’t kill all the trees becaus then you can’t breathe anymore. I mean, there is a lot that makes sense. Apart from ‘become aware’. Becoming aware will, what? Make me not get thrown around by feelings. Guessing that is good not?
Nah! I already feel like I’m not really part of this society. Need to learn to find aware friends too if I go that path. For that I need to learn to socialise, not be self-centered and learn to listen better. Ok, 2016 is already full and it hasn’t even started yet. Sigh. Moan. 😀
Anxiety: my hair is definately getting a lot thinner, today I walked the stairs of the building and I saw my hairs everywhere. I’m thinking the amount of chocolate I eat depleats my vitamin B supply and, who knows, turns my body acidic and blablabla. I need to quit the amounts of chocolate I eat. That is on my list for 2016.
I actually started this post because I had a bad case of not liking myself these last days and no matter what subject came up I went self destructive. Most likely an after effect of my ‘how not to celebrate Christmas’ this year. So I planned to write it all out and see what I demand of myself if I am a WWDNLH (Woman who does not love herself). Here it goes.
- I should quit eating chocolate and dates so I can lose more weight.
- I should be fully vegetarian by now AND pay more attention to eating healthy – no more cantine food.
- Did I say I should lose weight? When I lose weight everybody will see that I am utterly succesful and I they will really NEED to say that I did so well with quitting alcohol. Blablablablabla.
- Obviously I need to excell at my job and in that excelling there is only place for me to shine. Next I realise that this is SO antisocial and anti team that I berate myself over it and force me to be social and pro team while not paying attention to the skewed position I am in. I could love me and e.g. ask why I would like to outshine everybody. I would get the answer that I only feel safe if I do. Which would inform me that obviously I feel very unsafe. From there I could explore that. But no, I’m going all self destructive and what, find that I need to excel at my job. I mean, if I even can’t excel here, why would I even look for a job at my level of education? Or dare to continue/start up my own business? When I’m in this mode I experience life as an excercise where I can choose between being lashed with a whip, beaten with a club or EXCEL but DEFINITATELY NOT be me. Practicing awareness now. Ha! F! awareness. I never know how it works but this forces getting me down suddenly go into hiding when I get mad. I need to get mad bigger than the forces otherwise it does not work. Pretty explosive stuff. Trying to eat dinner at the same time – that is not a good combination. :-D. Ok, so when I am aware I can investigate and learn and hopefully get stuff sorted out. When I am not aware I lose myself in my emotions. Think I’ve got the reason why it might be a good idea to be aware. Ha! Cool! 🙂
- Obviously I need to fix my finances. I prefer to do that by winning the lottery but doubt if I can afford the ticket. Naturally I do not have the guts to check out my bankaccount for that so I will either, in a spurr of an unaware moment buy a ticket or not.
- Oh yeah, on finances, I think I should learn to ask for help but blegh! I’m not good at that which, berate, berate (but true), probaly means that I still somehow look down on asking for help otherwise I would not have a problem with that. So there are two ‘fails’ that needs ‘fixing’.
- Did I say I think I should fix my shoulder pain? FIX IT!
- My livingroom is currently, well, has been for the last 3 years now, a atelier where I produced the consumer product I was trying to market. I find that I need to decide on wether or not to continue living in this shed or somehow do things differently. Like, have a house.
- For having a house I need to fix my finances. Did I say that? 😦
- I also think I should go looking for a partner but shit I am in no state and haha, can’t really let go of the bookstore man yet. Ooh, did I tell you I think I am REALLY stupid for liking the bookstore man? 😦 This weekend I thought I was really stupid for liking anybody anyhow. 😦 Back to wishing I was perfect and better than everybody and more pretty and slimmer and sexier and more intelligent so nobody would ever hurt me again. I remember meeting this neighbour woman, I must have been 4 or 5 years old. She was all dressed up, made up, walked with confidence, she looked untouchable and I saw the older guy kids from he street who were always after me looking up to her and I thought: ‘if I become like that they will never hurt me again.’ The roots of that thought are still there. Ooh, ooh, if I become aware I might be able to realise that this is a pattern, cry and let go instead of cry and hold in. Aaah pfff…. They never told me getting unhooked from booze would take so much work. How do you do that? Yes, you?
- Obviously I should also work out how I can ‘fix’ my sagging boobs. My ayurvedic doctor says massaging with olive oil works. I don’t do it. Schuessler cell salts have a salt somewhere. I don’t search for it. So I am back in the berating and making up all these shoulds and not liking myself. Wwawwlhd? She would cry and say she is hurt and confused and call her friend and try to work stuff out. 😦 (hi friend) And….. 3 seconds later the friend is on FB message and says I miss you and I miss her too and everything is ok again – apart from things not being ok in her life. 😦
- On my list of things to berate myself over is doing sports. I should do yoga now my shoulder is less stiff and painful.
- I should read more and Netflix less.
- I should be more social.
- I should go to AA to learn the extra stuff I am not learning by myself. Possibly to make some extra sober friends to party with on NY eve without feeling like people don’t invite me because they would feel funny downing a Magnum bottle of champagne with me around.
Well, you got it. Not good enough. 😦
What would a woman who loved herself do? She would look at this list with compassion, learn to separate the feeling from the being (become aware), try to sort out where the self-destruction comes from and learn from that and hopefully, hopefully from there learn a little about letting go. Not all the pain needs to be held on to :-/. But that is another chapter and it is late and I need to sleep.
So, no spellcheck. Guessing the NSA is must be a little too bussy. But let me finish by saying: I am HAPPY that I quit. 🙂
Wishing you all a beautiful, eventful, festive end of the year and a happy, healthy, sober 2016. Remember what a women who loves herself would do. 🙂