Now I am where I need to be, synchronicity brings me what I need to deal with

Aaaaaah ๐Ÿ™‚ The Universe provides; here I am, in my former post, stalling the subject of procrastinating, writing I will deal with that ‘in another post’. On pushing the publish button and going to the Reader again I find the post mentioned below. At 11:11 hours exactly… How is that for synchronicity? ๐Ÿ™‚

How can a seeker deal with doubts and laziness?

The post is from Sadhguru whom you can find on his website and on Youtube and next month in Paris. ๐Ÿ™‚

But I very much exist in a far bigger way than he could ever imagine, because one who depends on thought can only imagine life. He cannot live or know life.

I need to deal with procrastinating and found some fears. This, mentioned in the blogpost from Sadhguru reminds me of part of it. In the business world where I came from I depended on thought only, well, mainly. And now I have changed. Not sure how but doing only the brain thing is not an option anymore. And I feel the working world depends on thoughts only and I am afraidย  I can not match myself or sustain or keep myself whole or keep myself on my recovering path when I walk into that world. I actually think that fear is true, if I move into the working world in the same way as I used to do. So now I have to find another way. Whether the fear is real or not, I need to find a way to deal with this aspect.

It is a possibility. The more you doubt, the more of a possibility you become.

Aaah, I take this a little bit different. I notice I doubt and when I doubt I feel less stuck, it seems to create possibilities. I LOVE possibilities. They give me the idea of freedom. I am thinking I hit upon the point of the need for transcendence here. I do not know a lot about that but what I know the natural need for transcendence seems to be the spiritual core of addiction.

If you are suspicious, you already have a conclusion, โ€œMaybe, the whole thing is nonsenseโ€ โ€“ this is a suspicion, not a doubt.

This is where I have a suspicion that I cannot do stuff, will die if I pay my bills, will break down if I ask for help, will be broken down when I ask for help, blablablablaaah. And a lot of it is based on suspicion and not on information. Most of it I do not even try. And if I try I do not take the information that I get out of it as true. I have paid bills. I never died of it. Still I think I die because of it.

You have a conclusion already, and you are trying to work towards that conclusion.

Yes, that would be me. I have what we call the ‘prayer card’ from the mother of my SIL in front of me. She died several weeks ago. She was a very wise woman in a very clear way. She speaks to me now saying things like ‘Well, if you have not tried, how can you know how the outcome will be?’

And now that you have a logical mind, a mind which is deeply conditioned by all kinds of beliefs, thoughts, philosophies and influences from the outside, you are not able to keep it aside. So, if there is a huge struggle every day about the methods that are given to you, about the person, about the possibility itself, I would say it is better you work one step at a time.

Yes! Very much applicable in my life. I mean, only look at the shifts between writing, tapping, Ayurveda, Schuessler cell salts, Bach remedies, vitamins, nutrients, food. And that is only the health part of it! Which btw also shows how I appreciate the road of the ‘something outside needs to fix something inside’. :-/ He says it himself: one step at the time. ๐Ÿ˜€ HOW APPLICABLE! ๐Ÿ™‚

Wherever you are, do you understand that right now, you exist within certain limitations? If there is a limitation โ€“ a boundary โ€“ there must be something beyond the limitation? Whether the boundlessness exists or not, at least you can perceive that if there is a boundary, there must be something beyond the boundary.

This is very much what is troubling me. I have little clue what he speaks about and what boundlessness is but I WANT IT!! And I feel locked up in being human, I want out. Not sure where I would be going but I do feel trapped in me. That is a basic feeling I have had all my life. Like being in my body makes me vulnerable – which unfortunately has been real ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But I think there is more to it than that. Drinking myself senseless was part of ‘trying to get out’. And currently, now my hair has gone gray, my ass fat and my boobs are joining my navel the physical threat seems to have lessened. Now I think that paying bills is the worst way of being locked up.

Right now, your spiritual process is just to work from one limitation to another limitation. You break this limitation, move into the next level of limitations. You break that and move into the next level.

Ghegheghe, which is…. exactly what I wrote about in the first paragraph of the post before ono the dealing with one addiction at the time. Ghegheghe. ๐Ÿ™‚

You do not know whether the Ultimate exists or not. You donโ€™t have to imagine or mentally create the Ultimate โ€“ this destroys many possibilities within you.

I do not understand this but want to write down for later reference that this is the 3rd time in 2 days that I come upon a version of the word Ultimate. Yesterday I found Ulti-something in the new Stanford Philosophical wiki. Then an Ulti-somethingย  appeared in Stargate as something of importance. And now hear. Let’s look into this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Just see that you are existing in certain limitations right now and how to break those limitations. If you break it, you will move into the next prison โ€“ a bigger one.

It is amazing how this article aligns with my process. Lets see where it leads. As I am writing I am reading – or visa versa.

If you break that, you will move into the next one. As you keep breaking it, letโ€™s see where the hell it goes. At least letโ€™s move into a better prison. Thatโ€™s all you are trying to do with every aspect of your life โ€“ just trying to take one more step, isnโ€™t it? Even with the spiritual process, just take one more step at a time.

Yes, that is what I am doing. Wondering now if he’s going to say ‘this is not the way’. Or yes, or not, or…

Some years ago, the Indian cricket team beat the Australian team in Australia, which had not happened for 22 years. I was reading in a magazine about the player โ€“ who comes from Bangalore โ€“ who scored 233 runs. When people asked him โ€œHow do you play? Do you play to win the game or the series or what?โ€, he replied, โ€œI try and play one ball at a time. Iโ€™m not playing the match. The most important thing to realise when you are batting is that the only thing that decides your fate, your score, your career or anything else, is that next ball.โ€ He said, โ€˜If you can do that over a long period of time, you will succeed. It is not an easy thing to do, though.โ€ This man got it, because you can only play one ball at a time. But he says it is hard because he is trying mentally.

Ghegheghe…. one ball at the time. Exactly! ๐Ÿ˜€ One prison at the time, one addiction at the time, obviously.

Only when you begin to know life and understand the limitations of life, the longing to go beyond life arises. If you are not intimately in touch with life, your longing to go beyond life is just a falsehood; all you are looking for is a drink.

Ghegheghe, this synchronicity is so wonderful! ๐Ÿ™‚ Check out that last sentence. It is amazing. The rest is amazing too btw. ๐Ÿ™‚

Just work one ball at a time. Right now, what is your limitation, how to go beyond this.

So that I must do. With quitting alcohol I read the book ‘Quitting the drink easily’ from Jason Vale and with every ‘reason’ for drinking he mentioned I sat down and felt and thought about how it attached to me – or how I attached to the drink. And then I found a counter argument / place to live from and severed the connection. So I am guessing this is what I must do with procrastinating. Look at it. Ieeeeeeeeeeeeehks!!! And that would be the first question: why do I fear looking at it so much? Because I feel totally out of control there, I can not oversee things and I fear this is where I fail BIG TIME. Not a little BIG TIME but BIG BIG TIME like friends and family would not like to know me anymore if they knew what a failure I was in doing stuff.

Hmmm, it feels true but it sounds a bit strange. It does not sound true. But it feels true. But it sounds funny, not really true, possibly true? Noooo, well, aaaahrg! Dunno!

Back to separating from the feeling and panick: this is very informative. It very much sounds like I get stuck here. It needs investigating. Not now. Next post.

Whatever methods have been given to you, are they breaking some of your limitations? Thatโ€™s all you have to see. If they are breaking, itโ€™s fine, continue to break. Donโ€™t worry about the ultimate. If itโ€™s one ball at a time, doubt is no problem.

So, my former tries at dealing with procrastinating have not been ‘adequate’ or maybe, like addiction it showed up in newer forms and I had to go deeper. Yes, I guess I have to go deeper. That has worked with former addictions: looking at it, studying them. Oooh yeah, compassion works. Knowledge works. Looking for knowledge works because that is somehow forming too. Rigorous honesty and baby steps. Guess I’m back at the post I came from. ๐Ÿ™‚

What has changed? In real life nothing. But in my life I have spent about 2 hours looking at procrastinating and how it connects with me / how I do that.ย  NEW!!!! And I have learned that I am still alive. ๐Ÿ™‚ NEW!!!! And looking for chocolate!!! No. Not going there. ๐Ÿ™‚

I will go make a mind map of all the work things I would like. No promises.

I am happy that I quit because I am learning a lot. This sugar detox is going well too actually. ๐Ÿ™‚ Looking forward to dealing with the next hurdle NEW!!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Feeling curious, feeling a little anxious, feeling proud of this post. ๐Ÿ™‚

I need: to keep breathing and to learn to not drown in feelings. Feelings are motivators, feelings are information, but I am not sure if feelings should be running the show on their own.

I want: ooh, to sleep. ๐Ÿ™‚ And chocolate. No!

I take: Ayurvedic pills. Sometimes Schuessler salt Magnesium against chocolate urges. Doing that now. ๐Ÿ™‚

3 Things: 1 Synchronicity. 2 The post from Sadhguru. I am still not sure if I would buy a 2nd hand car from him but he says things that I can understand / so I can understand them. 3 The potatoes I just ate. They were marvellous. I tried to boil them while writing this post. First I kept the water boiling for 15 minutes (small potatoes) without adding the potatoes. Then I added the potatoes, set the alarm again but forgot to press the start button. All while writing about ‘1 ball at the time’. ๐Ÿ˜€ Yesterday I finished the cookbook from my Ayurvedic doctor I was ‘supposed’ to finish last Sunday. He repeatedly says: when you cook, do not do other things than cooking. Cooking needs love and attention. One step at the time. ๐Ÿ™‚ And what is in the way is The Way.

On discipline: well, stuff is moving, slowly. No promises.

Hope you have a nice day/evening!

xx, Feeling

No copyright infringement was intended with this post.

Advertisements

Where I need to be

I think I am where I need to be. NEW!!! I am now smoke free, caffeine and tea-ine free, alcohol free, BSM free, sugar free, almost meat free. I go out for a tour almost every day. I added ‘no sugar’ to the list of things I am doing for my health, mainly for my spiritual health actually because it creates mist.

The no sugar feels like it is settled ok(ish).It is not totally settled because still I feel like; ‘Well if quitting sugar makes me want to drink I will eat sugar!’ Which is exactly the addict within speaking but because my resolve is low and I quit only ‘because I could at that time because I ‘know’ I have to do this step before I can do the next’. That is different from the alcohol quitting. That was really a Process of saying goodbye which ended in a Decision and Action. Now I am doing this half assed, but ok, let’s see how it goes.

What is left to take care of is sleeping and PROCRASTINATING. Which, in my life, I guess is the biggest and most difficult one. You can not, or maybe you can, imagine the fear I experience when I think of having to do stuff ‘in the future’ for ‘money’. While if you ask me to wash your car, take your kids out to the playground, cook dinner, or watch your store for a day, help you setting up your business I do that and enjoy it. It is strange. I fear having to represent myself because I now I feel actually more secure about myself than I have ever done. I actually get remarks about that from friends saying that I look so much at ease now. And ‘I do no know what you did in the last year but you have changed a lot.’ But then…. the outside world with measurable demands. Well, next post. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Now, there is no addiction to hide behind anymore. All other things have been dealt with so I am where I need to be. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Aaaaaaahrg…. this is so scary….)

Next physical step is to adjust bedtimes to normal and waking up before sun-up. But I need to sleep better for that because of the pain in my arm I wake up 5 to 10 times a night. And then turn of the alarm so when/if I sleep I do not wake up too early. The ‘logical’ solution to the pain is taking painkillers. I don’t want to go there because after having had a few they started calling me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ It saddens me. The other ‘logical’ solution is to get a cortisol shot. Don’t want that either. Not going to poison myself, been there, done that. I do some tapping, need to continue but it always ends in immense crying and sobbing with the things that ‘pop’ up. Tapping is wonderful, it loosens so much – which is exactly what scares me. ๐Ÿ˜€

NEW! I am now at 79 kilo’s without even dieting. That is 3-4 kilo’s down without thinking about it. That is a real nice gift. Funny enough when I came to the point where my weight did not bother me anymore I loosened up energy to really feel my body. That made me want to become healthy. Some of you might find it funny that I say ‘without thinking about it’ after the list of x-free things. ๐Ÿ˜€ But those I skip for spiritual, developmental reasons and I find joy in that, it does not feel like a diet. And I think I need it because I think I hide in addictions. Quitting the rubbish helps me look at the addicted structure of my character.

I am guessing the Ayurvedic pills I am taking support the weight loss. But also, because I am now eating what I should for my body type, I feel more saturated and content. Part of my craving for food and solutions from the outside is emotional, part of it is physical. It is costing me money I don’t have, but I have taken the decision to do this otherwise I feel I will never stabilize. This Thursday I’ll be seeing the Ayurvedic doctor again. Did I mention that I am starting to feel healthy and generally more active? That is good :-).

So from yesterday to today I did a first step of going to bed at the right time and waking up at the right time. (again). Well, baby steps, knowledge, rigorous honesty and compassion.

I am happy that I quit because it is bringing me where I feel I need to be. NEW!! Which is dealing with the fears I have that cause me to procrastinate.

I need: to get a move on

I want: the pain in my arm to go

I take: Ayurvedic pills, sometimes Schuessler salt Magnesium against chocolate urges.

3 Things: 1 clarity in my brain returning NEW!!! Not tested yet on real thinking stuff but it feels good. 2 There is something I would call ‘lust for life’ returning. NEW!!! Well, new-ish, it has been going on for several days now. I like it. 3 The beautiful whether of the last days allowing for beautiful trips outside.

On discipline: went to bed on the time that I had planned, woke up on the time I had planned. NEW!!

Have a nice day / evening!

xx, Feeling

6 Days no sugar

NEW!! Lots of it. I’m thinking I am coming near to the place where I need to be with not eating sugar. And I also realise why I got into sugar so heavily – 150 grams of 72% dark eco chocolate a day which amounts to 50 grams of, well, not refined eco sugar a day. Still less than the average American eats (80 grams!). I’m now coming up with all these buts but I, pfffff, it is all so very addicty.

I compare my use to others, saying theirs is worse.

I bought extra stuff I did not immediately need at the supermarket so they would not notice I only came in for the chocolate.

I started to worry about handing my loyalty pass at the store because ‘They might realise that I was addicted’.

I took chocolate stock when going for sleepovers ‘Because I might run into a situation where I was in need of it’. And when I realised I never did this with alcohol I ‘deduced’ that my drinking was not that bad….. Yes…. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I ate chocolate in the train before meeting people so I would know I ‘had enough’. In drinking days I would sometimes take a beer in the train, or 2, or actually 4.

I hid chocolate from my SIL, feeling very anxious about showing here that I had some in my bag. That was BAD. Shame flooding me.

I would walk through the city and think of home and feel a BIG relieve because ‘At least I am safe there, I have chocolate.’

I hid chocolate papers in my bin so people who would drop by would not see them.

I hid chocolate when the doorbell rang because I did not want to share.

The bar of my preferred substance is 100 gram. I would eat 150 gram (be LOADED!) and then say ‘See, I left 50 grams, I am not addicted! :-)’

I tried to moderate, did not work, that got me running to the shop at 22:00 in the evening buying chocolate and toilet paper or so. Yesterday I thought ‘What if I only eat chocolate in the weekend?’ Ghegheghe… been there….

Almost all of these thoughts, actions, whatever you call it I did with alcohol. It was shameful but I tried to not go into the shame but look at what was happening and wait for the window of opportunity where I could stop. A tiny one came, so I quit. Still not sure about the future because my resolve is low. Specifically because I internally play the one addiction against the other ‘Oooh, I if this gets too difficult on the not drinking alcohol….. I might as well eat some chocolate here and there.’

And no, I do not think chocolate is evil. Well, parts of me thinks so. But for me, I obviously overdid it again and rolled into addictive behaviour just like that. It is informative. I let go because I could not handle it and then promised me that I only needed to look at how it was going. After I let go things went crazy quickly. Within a month I felt I was in full-blown addiction with the hiding and eating more and more etc. And yes, sorry to those who struggle with more dangerous stuff and would like to say ‘Stop moaning, be happy it is only chocolate!’ :-(. This is my way. I need to get unaddicted in order to deal with life. Hmm, maybe I am waiting to be perfect in order to deal…. :-/ Here! You see! Insight coming. :-D.

Ok, this was the moaning. Now the real life: I panick when I don’t eat chocolate. I get face to face with my financial issues. I’m several rents behind, don’t even know exactly how much. I do not open my paper mail. I, well, do not dare to open my e-mail. I do that, but not the once saying ‘Invoice’. So no, I am still not dealing. Not eating chocolate puts me face to face with that. And…. I noticed I can’t deal.

So I use all my well-developed denial skills to not look at it. But I have promised myself to look at how I do that. And the other day I discovered the possibility of detaching myself from my feelings; sort of drawing back into myself and saying ‘Hey, so this is how I deal with that? Hmmm, and I tend to panick, say, yes, I am panicking now.’ But the feeling does not get ‘inside me’ if you understand? It does not throw me about because I look at it. NEW. And well, I can only do that for a few seconds, half a minute at the most and then I am wasted. Guess I need to learn to breathe when I am there.

And now for the crazy: I get visions, not sure what to call them, they are images of things I do not consciously know or remember. Paintings, nature, historic images of people, sudden experiences where the whole world falls apart in particles, a bit Matrix like. Flashes in which I see my body in the inside. Flashes where I am suddenly in the Universe floating about.That is the crazy. I have been very scared of that and I’m not sure if I am lying here, if it is addict speak but this is what I have been afraid of most and what has kept me from eating clean and not taking chocolate (added sugar).

Contact with people has become easier in one hand, because I am not so scared anymore because I can hold/contain myself better. But also more tiresome because what people ‘give’ each other, disrespect, denial of emotions, aggression, it has become very clear. Specifically now I have watched the series ‘Lie to me’. FINALLY I know I am not an alien, I just see things with more precision. Which by the way, still makes me feel like an alien. :-(. Not done with that subject yet.

I think addiction, chocolate, sugar, eating with loads of E-numbers, internet, what have you, takes me away from feeling what is going on. And, yeah, sorry to say, damn, I feel really ashamed about saying this but I think I feel more intensely than other people do? Or have less skill to deal with it. Or both.

Quitting alcohol and then sugar however DOES bring me closer to the place where I need to be in order to deal with what I am, how I am, why I don’t ‘function’ like a normal person. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Ooooh, back to the moaning: I don’t want to be like me. It hurts. I don’t want to be so complicated and… Voice cutting through: You are not complicated, this world is set up disfunctional for human development, you are just at the receiving end of that, and ghegheghe, fighting against it, you might want to look into the last part.’

At one time in the process of going into a detox programme I had to fill in whether or not I heard voices. I don’t remember now what my answer was. I wonder if these voices ‘count’. There are bad voices too. How is that for sweet child speak ‘bad voices’ :-). I tend to cut them out. I need to do so more sternly lately because as it gets lighter the darkness starts to push back. Need to incorporate it. Listen to it, feel it, hug my demons.

I wonder if you think I am going nuts or are off track. I think my spiritual life is perfectly on track. My normal life is, pffff, dunno where. Which is about as destructive as drinking heavily on a daily base. Hmmm. That is an insight. NEW. Aaah fuck.

Good thing: my bloodpressure feels very normal and low now I don’t eat the sugar. And urine (yep, sorry) has turned watery again. I am hoping the infection in my shoulder goes down too but that is still going up and down pain wise.

Ok: all of you not liking the Sunday night because at Monday morning work follows…. be grateful :-). And I will try to be grateful for having the time.

Last night I dreamed. Met up with the adult version of a guy I had not seen since he and I were 16. I used to be pretty popular in one year then but he really disliked me. I could feel his dislike like a big dome of energy around him. He only looked at me shortly and then looked away quickly, later in life I have seen people who were diagnosed with autism do that too, and scared animals. With the autistic people, and the animals I realise: I am too intense, they can’t deal with the unstructured energy I throw about. Funny that it is always my fault btw. With him I realised in the dream how I make contact. I don’t check how somebody is. I don’t hold back to feel how / where a person is, I barge in and state facts. (Ooh, you noticed?) He could not deal with that. So we never connected until I learned a shitload from him in my dream. He died about 20 years ago in a plane crash here in the Netherlands. When I heard about the crash I immediately got an image of him and ‘knew’ he was in the plane. I only heard years later that he actually really was in the plane crash :-(. Obviously we were more connected than I realised. Thank you M for showing me how I do things not constructively. โค I am sorry I was such a pain in the ass. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I hope I can take this lesson with me. No promises.

I am happy that I quit because I am learning so much. Need to keep check on the crazy. Sometimes I feel things can go either way now. I can snap under the strain of weirdness or hopefully give it a place and throw away all the non functional layers of adjustment to this society I have done and which hurt me so badly.

I need: to get a move on because I’m going out with a friend (Hi! A!)

I want: more time.

3 Things; 1 dream, 2 feeling that I get to the place where I need to be. 3 Life. Funny, I had this experience of energy coming from my first chakra shooting up. Yeah, yeah. Just logging the crazy too.

On discipline: getting an inkling and doing stuff with it. Yesterday I read a small book on Ayurvedic cooking, finish the rest in the train today. I could focus. That is good.

On sugar: 6 days no sugar! Yeah!

Hope you have a nice Sunday!

xx, Feeling

Short post :-D

Short post – short post – short post. SHORT POST!!! Well, for me, short. ๐Ÿ˜€

Spoke with the husband of the nutritionist friend today and it was a good conversation. He spoke of working and doing what I LIKE, mind mapping these. That sounds way better than the nightmarish visions I have been having about work. Not sure when I got stuck in those.

So, well, what did I do, I had not had enough outside time so I went to the give away store to see if they had some books left. Came to speak with the volunteer on the stool (chair!) I had brought them. This IS a really strange word to use but the translator actually says it is correct. And one thing led to another and I offered to help her fill the book cabinet with new books – truth be said (and told to her!!)… I knew there was a box with spiritual books somewhere that I was interested in.

So… there I was, in a bookstore. And yes, I suddenly realised that is actually pretty strange. I mean, you don’t all go walking into bookstores chatting with people do you? I would love you to do so and inform me of what you encounter. ๐Ÿ™‚

But I was happy and I learned a lot. I had filled up the empty spaces in the shelfs and that only took 20% of the work. And then I thought…. I need to rearrange these logically because this is far from perfect. And hahaha, that’s where I lost connection with the joy I was having. Spoke about it with the bookstore girl and she said: ‘Yes, I learn a lot here, I mean, it took me a while but I found out I run into the same stuff here as I did in the job that I got overworked in. So the learning opportunity is to find a way to deal with it.’

In answer to my perfectionist wish of organising and grouping and naming: ‘Yep, I just say ‘I only do it if it is fun.’ Which is EXACTLY what it was not anymore when I wanted it all perfect. And let’s be well: what is nicer than browsing through a give away shop and between the books on countries finding your favorite children’s book, a book on lucid dreaming or an ancient yoga book?

Give away shop btw is literally what it is: you can come and take stuff you like. No more than 5 things a day. And when it is sale you can take more. ๐Ÿ™‚ You would not believe the turnover they have! Whole bags of stuff can change hands within 5 minutes. People bring stuff, other people take stuff. I am slowly cleaning up my house, bringing old stuff, books and cloths while walking there and sometimes taking back books. The give away store ‘concept’ comes from the squatters scene. It is actually a really good thing.

I learned to feel how I get of track when being a perfectionist. How it ruins my pleasure and how negativity sets in IMMEDIATELY when perfectionism shows up. That was astounding. Actually, perfectionism and negativity might just be the same thing just being named differently. They sure do have the same result. :-/

I learned that I have these restricting forces in me at all times, I can not start anything without going into perfectionism and falling into negativity. I went home. Ate. Started up an old work project I had laying about and felt how time and time again Perfectionism would pop up and the feeling of not being enough and not being able to cope almost directly with it. I guess I have gotten an insight in how it works.

Second thing I learned: I was in the lowest of lowest places workwise, status wise, economical value wise; being an unrecognised assistant to an overworked volunteer in a give away shop. And she and I connected, I did something I enjoyed and learned not so much who I am or where I stand. But I did learn to feel the mechanism of why I can not sustain myself and do not have faith in me: I break myself down. When walking away from this beautiful farmhouse in a weird sort of green corner of the city I felt like I had come to the level where I need to be to understand what I need to do; not break myself down.

I am happy that I quit because I am learning a lot.

I need to: sustain me.

I want to: go to bed.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and warm turmeric milk.

On discipline: growing, going to bed earlier, getting out of bed when needed, being on time for an early meeting.

On sugar: 4 days free now. The mist is starting to lift. First 2 days I had ‘need chocolate’ thoughts 20 times a day but not anymore. I am still making apple sauce for breakfast and a tiny bit after dinner though so I am not going in cold turkey. I have no headaches either.

3 Things: 1 meeting the nutritionist husband and speaking of life and work, 2 enjoying working alongside the bookstore girl, the insights I had on perfectionism and how it sets me up for immediate failure and HOW TIREING it is.

Hope you enjoyed this semi short post. I actually deleted a whole paragraph. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Filling the hole in the soul

As time goes by thoughts grow, or unfold if you wish. My latter experiences with the transfer of addiction to the subject of ‘man’ have made me wonder ‘What do I want?’, ‘What is the answer I think I will get?’. It is not an easy question, I find it embarrassing. I have come to learn in this last year that a lot of personal growth has a track that takes me through the fields of shame and embarrassment. And if personal hidden shame is not enough to get the experience to settle… I have somehow managed to take it to the public and make a fool of myself there. Well, if that is the road, that is the road. I have no energy or pride left to wish it differently anymore.

So when looking at the subject of man and thinking that ‘relationship will save me’ I found that I again and again look for approval from the outside. Which, well, in itself is I think a sign of being a social being. Also, when using the longing that is in there to not feel other feeling and not feel what is actually going on (on the verge of bankruptcy, not doing anything about it, not opening mail anymore, scared to pick up the phone ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ) then I think it is actually doing exactly what alcohol did for me. Or, I have just switched subjects.

So, after realising that, sorry for the very ill choice of words, but I have this hole in my soul and it needs filling and The Other is the solution. :-/ While laying in bed this morning I felt clearly how this hole in the soul feels to me and what I want from The Other. So I was wondering what would happen if I would imagine that I could fill it myself. And so I did. It takes careful feeling and careful imagining but I think I did it. Pretty cool, if only for a few seconds to feel whole. And haha, that is where the attachements are gone and I can stand on my own two feet and The Other is another – no wanting or needing, no attachments. Yeah, dรปh… I know, it is so obvious I should have known. But to experience it is just, well, I think ‘on the brink of healing’ would be in place. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am guessing I learn best by exercises like these. ๐Ÿ™‚

So, am I whole now? Ghegheghe, noooooo! First, ok second thing I thought was: ‘I am whole now, so I can go visit the bookstore and tell aaaaaaaaall about it!’ How is that for a ‘I have not drunk for 2 weeks, I’m not an addict, let us have another one.’? First thing I thought was ‘Hmmm, so that is how it works.’ And I was really happy. โค So I am guessing a combination of experience and actual knowledge of addiction need to go hand in hand to solve issues. It is slow but there is progress.

Something I have wanted to voice out here for a long time already. It has to do with my place in the world. I do not know how the world works but to me parts of its workings come in images I tend to want to take on as either truth or Truth – who knows. I don’t have any words here that would link to any theory of existence known to me so if I write there is no meaning to these words other than the general ones.

What I like to take on as truth, just because it fits my thinking pattern is the following idea: I think/feel/experience the world in different worlds. Not that I think the matter is different but I think how I (we?) experience the world has to do with the way we look at it. Like some people look with economics in mind and see all kinds of economical things in every experience and thing, some people see darkness everywhere. Some people do not believe in coincidence and see miracles and synchronicity in the world. And there are people who see miracles and synchronicity everywhere and always and they get taken to hospital. Meaning: we experience the world as WE are and there are boundaries to that mode of experiencing. Living extremely in one way of experiencing the world is not healthy.

To me it feels like there are several of these worlds, I can only clearly identify one and that is the shaman way of seeing things. To do so one needs to be in a special mindset / a special place of mind to see it like this. I sort of feel there are several of these worlds and I feel like I shift between them easily. While all these worlds could I guess be only places in the mind I feel I can explain them best by this picture I have from them: imagine several layers of seeves on top of eachother, some space between for people to walk on. And every seeve is a world. And within every world there are places where I belong and where I do not belong. So e.g. in a shaman world one can be hunter, seeker, seer or shaman or what have you. It might have been more practical if I were to identify with a more common world more easily but I do not.

I feel that I, with letting go of addiction and my want to become clear, have fallen, or been shaken through, several layers of sieves and my experience/fear is that I still have some awful layers to go before I get where I need to be. It is my fear/fear-drive that I need to lose everything before I can live again. There. I said it.

I feel that I am currently not at the right place to take decisions or do something about my life because I am not in the place where I need to be. Unfortunately, it feels like the place to be is where I have lost everything. How is that for a scary drive.

I hope my ehm, musings (?) do not upset you, again I’m letting the crazy out and ha! since I don’t speak with the BSM anymore it gets vented here. :-D. I think that ‘the crazy’ has a world of its own. It is not a good place to be for a long time. But it is informative to see what kind of crazy somebody/I seems/seem to pick.

So, now I wonder if this whole picture I have is true, or that it is just another version of self-destruction wrapped in theory. I mean: every ‘solution’ I find to a problem is destructive so, haha ;-/ , why not my view of my place in the the world too? And now I ask my Self and she says: ‘It does not matter’. And I become acutely aware of my grappling after theory and trying to understand the world why during that time I could have sat back and focus on the place where I am whole and Self and possibly during that time I could have defused a whole lot of the fear I am feeling. So, if only I could. And I finally experience what it is to over think (Hi Anne! I think I’ve got an inkling now! :-))

So what will I do? I will pick up my book from Groff who writes about Basic Perinatal Matrices in which somewhere there is a description of an attitude towards life which says to always need destruction before rebirth can happen. When we once spoke about this during a course I followed my therapist mentioned ‘prone to addiction’ while discussing the state, I believe it was BPM III or IV. The ‘destruction before rebirth’ feels like a dangerous mode to be in, specifically since financial worries make the forces inside so big that I feel self destruction is around the corner. Thoughts of suicide popping up again – no, not to worry. So yes, I immediately ditched the sugar I was eating (Day 3 now! Yeah! Clarity starting to come back, mindset still dark.)

With the suicidal thinking, I spoke with Self and she said: ‘It is a misunderstanding. Things happen and you want out, you do not want to go through the learning experience you need to go through. That is all.’ I like my Self. ๐Ÿ™‚ Even though she never brings solace, she only brings information. I sensed today somewhere in my hole in the soul experience that the looking for solace, for being comforted, for judgement, for rewards, they are all part of the, well, my, structure of addiction. I understand that now, but it is a lonely world I seem to have made up. I mean, why could I not understand that receiving flowers, money and gifts on a daily base are The Thing?! Grrrrr….

Lately I have been practising looking at my feelings rather than ‘only’ (?) experiencing them and I found it is sometimes is very comfortable. I mean noticing ‘I get thoughts of suicide before I even try to solve a situation’ is a lot more comfortable than ‘I don’t want thihiiiiiiis, I’ld rather be deheeeeeead!!!!!. :-(‘ย  AND!!! Sitting by, looking at what happens gives information. I thought the information could only be had when diving head-first in there (yes, yes, very addicty) but sitting still and being aware of the feelings passing by is very interesting too. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I am guessing it is a way to be able to gain information AND with that info do stuff. That was the life’s assignment I got from my therapist: 1 feel – 2 gather information – 3 act upon. I was stuck in phase 1. Now I am practising phase 2. And bwaaahahahaaaa :-(, I still do not feel I can do phase 3. I still feel the doors to the world are closed.

In my dreams last night I walked around in a tiny village looking at people and noticing how they all were comfortably gathered in groups and enjoying themselves while I could not even imagine an entrance into living like that. I notice I envied them. Now I come to think of it, there is something there, in real life I am way more at ease with (tiny) groups than I have ever been and still I dream like this. I tend to be comfortable in groups and not nearly as often to a ‘power thing’ to maintain grip and when I do I tend to notice, change my behaviour and say sorry.

I think my aversion of the world has to do with work, I feel I can not live up to expectations AND keep myself whole. I am afraid if I do not keep whole I might not recover and, well, it is in those words already ‘I might not recover.’ I am afraid work asks so much from me that I can not maintain myself. And when doing that I look at the card with photo of the mother of my SIL, who died 2 weeks ago. She would just say: ‘There, there, now you have not even tried yet so you should not judge so quickly.’ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Even though it puts me eye to eye with all my childish failure.

I need: no idea.

I want: the pain in my body to go away.

3 Things: me, myself and I (Where, where does that come from?)

I take: eh, Ayurvedic pills, turmeric golden milk with black ground pepper, I have the idea I can not find the right Schuessler salt for my shoulder pain so I stopped there. Ooh yeah; NO added SUGAR. I do do the easy form so I do eat my 3-5 apple home-made apple sauce in the morning. Which must be loaded with sugar but if the mist does not leave me soon I will continue to slow down on that too. But not now.

On discipline: non.

Hope you all have a good day / evening ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Twins and one dying

Well, I’ve been not wanting to write this for a very long time but ‘signs’ urge me to so here it goes…. 2 Years ago I had a solo sexual experience (how is that for an intro to a post?) which within seconds shocked me into an experience of feeling ‘my brother’ dying and me re-absorbing the atoms and energy of his body and mind / consciousness / spirit – I don’t know what, but the essence that would make him him in this world, not the eternal part. In this experience I was in my mother’s womb and my brother was actually a twin brother. The grieve, it was, overwhelming. Crushing me, crushing me. So, so, so…. pfffff…. no words there. The powerlessness still makes me cry now when writing this. And then the re-absorbing of the dying energy which was awful, sickening and I pushed and fought to keep it out but I could not and it hurt.

I can’t write this without letting the crazy out to explain it so here it comes: this was in uterus, when experiences where still felt fully and every atom of me moved with the flow of life and everything was Life and then he died. I think to understand now that later, when we come into this world we learn to not experience life as I did then. Or maybe I only did so because of this overwhelming happening. I don’t know. God it hurts to feel somebody dying, the life energy leaving, it was all so clear, so clear. And there was nothing I could do. I wanted to help and safe him, I could not and I felt so guilty because something said that if I had not survived, he would have lived. Or maybe that is what I made of it, maybe that is what my adult brain makes of it. I don’t know. But things fell into place and I wrote a mail about it to my therapist which I believe I never send. I mean, it is like this intro ‘hey I masturbated and then I had this epiphany’. :-/

I still have the mail. This is what it says and I have added some stuff to it that I understand better now.

I think my search is complete. I have been looking into ‘why am I so strange, different, weird’ for years and I think I found the answer in an experience today. I experienced my twin brother dying while we were both unborn and that shaped my weirdness.

I have a tendency to pick up feelings from other people without knowing it. I describe that as lacking a layer in my aura. Within the twin experience I had it was very normal, in my original setting I was not complete as a person – I was two.

I can not remember well now but the mail reminds me also of an overwhelming experience of rivalry which I won, at his expense. This feeling very much ‘aligns’ with the basic feelings I have in contact with other people. Most normal people won’t notice but when I in therapy or on my own, let the crazy out, take off the mask, I can only admit that I ‘energetically’ for lack of another word, scan people constantly whether or not they will kill me, or I them. That is how basic it is. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Sorry. I must sound like a monster. I feel a monster, I feel too much. I feel as if I am too much, too much, too overwhelming, too big to let space for others. So big I killed my brother. Once I did a therapy weekend and the question came up ‘If I exist, can the other exist?’ and my internal answer was NOOOOOOOO! The other way around does not work for me either; If the other exist, can I exist?’ That answer is negative too. So…. my basic idea of life is a sort of kill or be killed thing. Could be biologically very logical, don’t know. I never know if I am actually crazy or other people just don’t know that they are too.

Facebook today: ‘Let your weirdness shine bright so other weird people can find you.’ ๐Ÿ™‚

I feel that the crushing overwhelm I experienced fucked up my core self and knowing what is mine and can be had. And the re-absorption of my dead brothers atoms and energy fucked up the energetic entries into my life. It feels like the rape experiences of later were only re-enactments of my brother dying.

The overwhelm also mixed with my feelings of self-preservation and it is very logical for me to assume now that the energetic base for my aggression towards others and my want/need/having this internal power which says ‘self destruct’ was born in that moment.

During this experience I was shown that I have had the possibility to energetically take up my brother totally and that would put me in contact with the spirit world forever. I would become a shaman by birth. I said ‘no thank you!’ since I very much feel like the spirit world is entitled to run their own affairs without me. Which is a stupid made up ego reply to the fright I felt :-(. The offer came with the knowledge that I would go crazy first, as in, of this planet crazy and then I would have to find my way back to the human world. Another one of those offers ‘you simply can’t refuse’. :-/

I feel guilty that I am alive and always have felt so as long as I can remember. Guilt over killing my brother has always been there. I know I have no proof, other than my experience and my mother bleeding at one time around 3 months for a few days during pregnancy.

When writing the mail to my therapist I mentioned that I saw a relation between the death of my brother, my guilt and my tendency to sabotage relations. I remember that standing out very clearly but currently I have no, wow, I do have a connection to that thought: It is my ‘knowledge’ that I killed my brother with an overdose on female hormones. I would not even know if that is medically possible, have not looked into that. Looking at my hourglass shaped figure with extra filling in the right places I would say that I am ‘gifted’ (good word, looking at the double meaning of it) with high doses of female hormones. What I tend to do in relations is (s)mother. Like I castrated the bookstore man by thinking he’s a coaching project who needs to get clean to be a real person.

Another point I remember from my youth and it has always bugged me is that I had frequent nightmares at the age 3-8 I guess about my actual brother dying or falling into pits or whatever. There were 2 major themes: he was in danger and I could do nothing to safe him. There are a whole lot of explanations for it. There are people who could call it wish-dreams, not sure, possibly so. However to me then it felt real and life threatening and absolute horror. We lived in a neighbourhood with only boys so there was a lot of fighting going on. There is a story where my brother was attacked by 4 or more, can’t remember now, kids which were years older than he and I as a 4 year old jumped in and kicked, scratched, hit and screamed long enough to ward them off. Stories like these were not uncommon but always reported by the neighbours because the playground was in front of their house. Btw: that was in the time where fighting on the streets was ‘something kids do’. And the neighbour said things like ‘you seemed to cope so why interfere.’ Different times. :-/

At the age of 4 I asked my mother why I was here on earth. I remember thinking about that a lot. I could not work it out. Ooh, hmmmm, I only learn now that this is not a surprise :-D.

When I get really sad and cry and lose myself my nose clogges up and I can’t breathe anymore, only through my mouth. This sets of this experience of chocking and dying and an overwhelming sadness which most of the time is not related to the actual issue. Another physical process that happens is wanting to throw up, get the ‘energy’ out of me. This nausea is what I also experienced in my, eh, experience of absorbing the dead energy of my dead brother.

Not sure if it is related but I have a simian line on my right hand of which people who read palms say that this happens due to trauma in the uterus. I am thinking now: is the Simian not the same as twin in English? Or? Well, anyway, the Simian line is where the heart and the head line of the hand are one. Yep, so that is about people who mix up heart and head and don’t know the difference. Sounds familiar. :-/

I have written about this before in post about my Ayahuasca experience and I find it back now in this old mail; I have a tendency to put sadness between me and an experience in a way that ‘everything I love will die’. When I see something beautiful my first experience is happiness over the beauty and even before that has landed safely I put sadness there because I fear ‘it will be broken’, ‘it is not sustainable’, ‘I can not hold on to something that beautiful’, ‘he will not love me anyhow’, ‘she will not like me anyhow.’

Another point in the mail: opposite my tendency to ‘override’ others and well, basically see if I can ‘kill’ them, there is this tendency in me to ward of life energy from others. I have this what my GP calls ‘look about you that you do not need anybody’. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Shit I am wishing I did not have to realise this, this, sadness.

And… awkward part of it; I have this gender confusion, sexual confusion… sometimes it is big and sometimes it is not. It might come as a surprise to you since I’m been moaning about the bookstore man (I soooo wish for a post where this person is NOT included) but that attraction is not physical. He’s actually ‘not my type’ as in ‘does not have what makes me tick’. Which, well, might be a good thing when looking at my history of falling for guys who did make me ‘tick’ but there is no need to even think about that.

Back to gender confusion. I remember the day I found out I was not a boy AND I NEVER WOULD BE. I was 10. I was angry, specifically with the last part. I had always, like, sort of been thinking ‘later’ things would ‘turn out ok with me’. No, I had the birds and the bees talk at age very young, 5 I think so I did know how it works. I just did not feel that way AND I did not want to accept it because my father was dominating the whole family and being a women was a thing to be scared off. I knew that already.

Gender confusion. My ‘epiphany’ came up when, in an orgasm I switched genders in my fantasy. This enormous sluice opened up and all these memories (‘memories’?) came flooding through me. FUCK.

A homeopathic doctor I have says my yang is too strong. When going through the experience I realised that this came with taking up the energy of my unborn brother.

So, how does this continue in my life. At that time I looked up surviving twin syndrome a little but let go because I had more pressing things on my mind as being addicted e.g. But ever since I got sober the twin thing has been pressing on me and it has become more apparent lately. It started with a book about surviving twin syndrome that was on the table in the bookstore and what I read immediately hit home. Like Craig Nakken’s book ‘Addicted Personality’ every sentence was true for me and every sentence was quotable. Obviously I did NOT buy it, thinking it was something I would deal with later.

At my 1 year anniversary the bookstore man offered me the choice of a book and at that moment I thought I need to pick this carefully because it will ring the bell for my 2nd year. That is a strange choice of words but that is what I thought. So…. I did not choose. I was chosen for by the bookstore man who gave me ‘Who am I’ a short version of Sri Ramana Maharshi’s look on life and what we call the individual and he said: ‘You should at least take this.’ The next time(s) I was at the store I tried to make a choice but could not but time and time again the books that I would pick up would be about ‘two’ or ‘black and white’ orย  ‘light and dark’, everything happened in pairs. I thought it was a preoccupation of my mind with my bookstore man issue but I think it worked out to be different. I wanted to take the twin syndrome book but I can not imagine this year to be focussed on that. I mean, if anything I should be focussing on money. NOW. :-/

The last time I saw the bookstore man he was being very friendly to a female (girl?) friend of his and that hurt. Not so much the (girl)friend part of it but the me feeling excluded as being a person who he would like to be friendly to. Next day he FB-ed I was a ‘coaching project’ and we have not been in contact since. :-/ Falling in love is very educational and has NOTHING to do with reality :-(. It hurts. Well, on leaving the bookstore I walked home through the rain and entered a children’s bookstore on the way. When speaking with the children’s bookstore girl she said ‘My favorite book is from ‘Tonke Dragt’, ‘Stories of twin brothers’. That is when this little bell went of in my head thinking ‘this IS strange’.

I walked home and several tiny things like hearing about twins or seeing numbers like 11:11 and 22:22 have been happening ever since. These have been going on for some years now but are getting even more frequent now.

And now for the strangest part of the funny things. I went to bookstore 2 last Friday. There old bookstore man 2 is still on holiday but I got to speak with the ‘reserve’ bookstore man 2. He ended up giving me a book saying ‘This is the last book I read, it starts of pretty depressing but it ends up being absolutely beautiful, do you know it?’ And I looked at the cover and said; ‘This rings a bell, I have had this book in my hands several times but there is something with it, a darkness I didn’t really feel like getting into.’
‘Yeah, there is, take it, get it back to me some day, and read through the beginning, it is good.’

Something kept nagging while I went home, it kept nagging. I left home, it kept nagging. I did shopping and it kept nagging and then finally this quarter fell: THE BOOK USED TO BE MINE! I brought it to the 2nd hand book store a few weeks ago and gave it to the bookstore man 2. So from all the 15.000 – 20.000ย  books in that store, this reserve bookstore man, who knew nothing of this, hands me back ‘my own’ book. It is ‘Animal dreams’ from Barbara Kingsolver and the first page is about twins. I had taken it from a pile of a neighbour who was cleaning up her house and offered it for free on Facebook. When cleaning up my book cabinet I realised that I could not get past the darkness it emits so I was wondering if I would read it. So, I guess by now I should read it. ๐Ÿ™‚

All in all anything I think to know about the vanishing twin syndrome and the ‘murder’ I accuse myself of could be related to the murder I do on, well, who know, the male part in me? The males around me? Whenever somebody in my environment mentions something about certain groups in society behaving criminal I tend to reply with saying: ‘95% Of the people in prison is male… so where do you think I put the blame for crime in this society?’ Yeah, I don’t normally make friends with that statement, but then again, there is no need to be friends with racists is there? Oooh, there still is some real nastiness there. :-/ I was thinking that contact with the bookstore man had made me see that men are human too. I guess I outsmarted this equalizing experiencing this by sexualising the relationship. I actually do know and experience that men are human (without the too.. :-)). It is just (?) that when I get down to the nitty-gritty I realise that in some modes of existence I do not accept that. I guess this has to do with me going into survival mode where everybody is enemy but men most.

My mail also mentioned another insight which I does not connect to me currently but it says ‘contempt is guilt projected onto the other.’ Does not ring a bell today. Which might be funny because I am thinking that some of you might think this whole post is about this but, what can I say, it does not ring a bell.

So…. I can write almost 3000 words on a 10 seconds experience :-). Letting it settle in me lasted way longer, longer. As I said, this happened almost exactly 2 years ago and I still do not know what it is about. I do think it links back to the dream of me having me as a baby. Where the black and white and the balance are very important.

And I do think this ‘concept of two coming from one going to one’ strongly connects to my view of the world, to my higher power if you will. My idea of a higher power is the creative energy, chaos if you will that shapes what is in this world. And as everything in nature there is no such thing as only growing who knows where, there is also the organising thing and the boundary thing. The yin and yang if you will. I actually came to this ‘division’ of the world through an Ayahuasca experience. I wrote, well, actually copied some stuff into the post ‘Yeah, I found what I was looking for!’ it is about male and female and balance.

Ghegheghe, the bookstore man on balance: ‘Pfff, balance, balance…. balance is overrated, balance is very boring and the experience comes when the unbalance happens.’ Aaah, shit, I’ll miss that. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ He, nor I, can, by no means afford to unbalance even more but I just love the, well, I guess the rebellious thinking in this. I guess this is where the attraction is attached. :-/ Well good to find out. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I added ‘And the learning and shaping happens where we want or need to get back to understanding, integrating the experience and / or ‘the balanced place’.’ Or something like that.

Yesterday I was thinking about this while undressing. I have carried a black and white pebble in my pockets on and off for years now, dunno why, it seemed important after having read ‘The alchemist‘ from Paulo Coelho. The main person has black and white stones as well. A few weeks back I had been wondering why oh why they never fell out of my pockets as they did in his case, they would ‘point the way’. ๐Ÿ™‚ And yesterday they did, for the first time in years. I am guessing I need to proceed my learning about the world in the direction of balance and the yin yang concept or I’m guessing the Peruvian / Ayahuasca organisation of the world. Guess I feel at home in this concept of two coming from one going to one. Ghegheghe, or maybe all religions are based on that. Let’s see. :-/

To make a long post even longer. I got to writing this because my therapist said something about my animus not being strong or whatever – because I did not understand it very well. I do understand that there is something with boundaries and regulation and ‘discipline’ if you will out of balance big time. And the drifting in the chaos like I do in my life, I mean, even the way I write: long posts, no editing is unregulated, undisciplined. So where I do not understand the link back to Jung’s archetype thinking I do know something somehow. But not how to put it right. Bummer! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I am happy that I quit, still in this way of pfffffff, looking back and thinking ‘thank God I do no have to do that again….’ I did have a drinking dream the other day. I think it came up with the post from Live to be continued where she mentions that she got trolled by somebody saying something which I translated into “If you can quit so easily, maybe you are not addicted’. I have that too. It is my weakest point. I tend to then point at my bank account and say ‘Now who’s not addicted?!’ But still, in my dream I wandered off. And the strange but informative thing was: I did not like the drink, I thought it smelled like poison, I drank it any way because of the feeling I was expecting to get from it because other people said so…. and because I did not want to have to stand up for myself. Did not want to fit out. If that is a word. Ooh, they also said that if I could quit so easily, I could have that drink, just one to try if it was really that bad. Isn’t it marvellous how dreams can just create people telling me exactly what I most obviously would like to hear?

I am getting into serious trouble with another addiction currently: chocolate. I am up to 100 to 150 grams and I start buying other goods too so I do not only have the chocolate in my basket. The other day I hid chocolate from my SIL. It is amazing. Very informative and it shames me but I solve that by acting like I am past caring. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I don’t know why I need to cry now. I don’t know. I thought I would be tough and in control. I’m not. While there are few people in my life who actually as precise as I do know how damaging it all is. Well, dark 72% eco chocolate, but still… it is starting to replace my dinner.

I need: well, stop running and listen to my body. I am very tired, again I have not slept due to pain in my arm and shoulder because of the infection of the tendons and my heart is pumping like crazy to make up for, dunno what. My body said: easy on the chocolate, no more meat!!!!!!!!!! MEAT IS DEAD!!!! And more water, no tea, tea has an opinion, sends me places. No tea with herbal effects. (Did your body ever tell you that tea has an opinion?) Well, if this is what it is, I might as well do what my body says and see what it brings.

I want: things to be easy and me to have a lot of energy because, as I said my heart is pumping heavily in my chest because of being tired.

I take: Schuessler salts but not in the right quantities, not sure what I’m doing there. Becauseย  I do not sleep well I eat late and forget my Ayurvedic pills.

On discipline: non, apart from sitting down and meditating / listening to my body and funny enough I have made my bed for over a year now too. I never used to but when I got sober it somehow felt like a good thing to do and during that time I set my intentions to ‘sober’.

3 Things: this post. The beautiful dark blue candle which has been accompanying me during writing. And you, making it to this point in the post ;-).

It’s another long story to document what is going on. Some day it will make sense to me why I write it all down. ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope you have a nice day.

xx, Feeling

Yeah, step 1

I updated my Linkedin Profile today. That would be step 1. My heart breaks over and over again when dealing with this past in which I used to be succesful and all of which I drank away. It takes a lot of practice to let go of the pain and continue. My short-term memory still sucks, I would assume it would get better in time but often I can’t remember what I had for dinner the night before. Or what I did the day before. I’m guessing it has to do with lack of organisation in my life and my brain but still. It scares me. But, ok, I updated my profile.

I pulled a tarot card today on what my Karma issue was; I got Fortune reversed. That would be accurate. ๐Ÿ˜€ Not being able to hold on to money has always been a thing. Sigh. Well, better deal with it now than later. I guess when I do so I will be filthy rich in my next life. ๐Ÿ˜€

I am happy that I quit. Not so much in a happy happy kind of way but more in a ‘a year from now you will be happy that you started today’ kind of way.

I need: to get outside and see if I can get some fresh air.

I want: well, again, I want things to be simple. Wonder why I make such issue of everything if I just want things to be simple?

I take: Schuessler salts against arm pain. It is lessening, also due to my thick selfmade woolen sweater I wear all day now. And I slept a little better. Which is good too.

On discipline: well, I updated my profile. And realised spiritual growth is not a commonly used currency. When I posted that I got reactions from my SIL who really seems to understands shit about the position where I am in saying ‘supportive things’ like ‘just do it’. Thank you. If I could just do it I would just do it. And yes, well, sorry again… it’s just that the ‘help’ I get from that direction has to do with judging me into shape. It doesn’t work. I wish, wish, wish, wish very much that I could learn a LOT from this because it is EXACTLY how I approach people but damn it is hurtful, negative and destructive. ๐Ÿ˜ฆย  I find it hurtful and I feel I have to guard myself against her too while doing this.

3 Things: well I guess updating my profile, my home sewn warm blanket sweater ๐Ÿ™‚ and OOH! Having lost 2 kilo’s without even dieting AND eating about 100grams of dark dark chocolate a day. Must be due to the Ayurvedic pills and possibly the walking I did when my bike was broken. And…. I started of with some meditation this morning; practising to feel and let the feelings be, let them pass as ships on the see, clouds in the sky – no attachment, just picking up the information. Saves a LOT of trouble. Let’s see if that can be brought into a daily routine. Hmmm, maybe I can get a book about it? ๐Ÿ˜€

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ghegheghe…

๐Ÿ™‚ Wishing you a nice day/evening. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling