Now I am where I need to be, synchronicity brings me what I need to deal with

Aaaaaah 🙂 The Universe provides; here I am, in my former post, stalling the subject of procrastinating, writing I will deal with that ‘in another post’. On pushing the publish button and going to the Reader again I find the post mentioned below. At 11:11 hours exactly… How is that for synchronicity? 🙂

How can a seeker deal with doubts and laziness?

The post is from Sadhguru whom you can find on his website and on Youtube and next month in Paris. 🙂

But I very much exist in a far bigger way than he could ever imagine, because one who depends on thought can only imagine life. He cannot live or know life.

I need to deal with procrastinating and found some fears. This, mentioned in the blogpost from Sadhguru reminds me of part of it. In the business world where I came from I depended on thought only, well, mainly. And now I have changed. Not sure how but doing only the brain thing is not an option anymore. And I feel the working world depends on thoughts only and I am afraid  I can not match myself or sustain or keep myself whole or keep myself on my recovering path when I walk into that world. I actually think that fear is true, if I move into the working world in the same way as I used to do. So now I have to find another way. Whether the fear is real or not, I need to find a way to deal with this aspect.

It is a possibility. The more you doubt, the more of a possibility you become.

Aaah, I take this a little bit different. I notice I doubt and when I doubt I feel less stuck, it seems to create possibilities. I LOVE possibilities. They give me the idea of freedom. I am thinking I hit upon the point of the need for transcendence here. I do not know a lot about that but what I know the natural need for transcendence seems to be the spiritual core of addiction.

If you are suspicious, you already have a conclusion, “Maybe, the whole thing is nonsense” – this is a suspicion, not a doubt.

This is where I have a suspicion that I cannot do stuff, will die if I pay my bills, will break down if I ask for help, will be broken down when I ask for help, blablablablaaah. And a lot of it is based on suspicion and not on information. Most of it I do not even try. And if I try I do not take the information that I get out of it as true. I have paid bills. I never died of it. Still I think I die because of it.

You have a conclusion already, and you are trying to work towards that conclusion.

Yes, that would be me. I have what we call the ‘prayer card’ from the mother of my SIL in front of me. She died several weeks ago. She was a very wise woman in a very clear way. She speaks to me now saying things like ‘Well, if you have not tried, how can you know how the outcome will be?’

And now that you have a logical mind, a mind which is deeply conditioned by all kinds of beliefs, thoughts, philosophies and influences from the outside, you are not able to keep it aside. So, if there is a huge struggle every day about the methods that are given to you, about the person, about the possibility itself, I would say it is better you work one step at a time.

Yes! Very much applicable in my life. I mean, only look at the shifts between writing, tapping, Ayurveda, Schuessler cell salts, Bach remedies, vitamins, nutrients, food. And that is only the health part of it! Which btw also shows how I appreciate the road of the ‘something outside needs to fix something inside’. He says it himself: one step at the time. 😀 HOW APPLICABLE! 🙂

Wherever you are, do you understand that right now, you exist within certain limitations? If there is a limitation – a boundary – there must be something beyond the limitation? Whether the boundlessness exists or not, at least you can perceive that if there is a boundary, there must be something beyond the boundary.

This is very much what is troubling me. I have little clue what he speaks about and what boundlessness is but I WANT IT!! And I feel locked up in being human, I want out. Not sure where I would be going but I do feel trapped in me. That is a basic feeling I have had all my life. Like being in my body makes me vulnerable – which unfortunately has been real 😦 But I think there is more to it than that. Drinking myself senseless was part of ‘trying to get out’. And currently, now my hair has gone gray, my ass fat and my boobs are joining my navel the physical threat seems to have lessened. Now I think that paying bills is the worst way of being locked up.

Right now, your spiritual process is just to work from one limitation to another limitation. You break this limitation, move into the next level of limitations. You break that and move into the next level.

Ghegheghe, which is…. exactly what I wrote about in the first paragraph of the post before ono the dealing with one addiction at the time. Ghegheghe. 🙂

You do not know whether the Ultimate exists or not. You don’t have to imagine or mentally create the Ultimate – this destroys many possibilities within you.

I do not understand this but want to write down for later reference that this is the 3rd time in 2 days that I come upon a version of the word Ultimate. Yesterday I found Ulti-something in the new Stanford Philosophical wiki. Then an Ulti-something  appeared in Stargate as something of importance. And now hear. Let’s look into this. 🙂

Just see that you are existing in certain limitations right now and how to break those limitations. If you break it, you will move into the next prison – a bigger one.

It is amazing how this article aligns with my process. Lets see where it leads. As I am writing I am reading – or visa versa.

If you break that, you will move into the next one. As you keep breaking it, let’s see where the hell it goes. At least let’s move into a better prison. That’s all you are trying to do with every aspect of your life – just trying to take one more step, isn’t it? Even with the spiritual process, just take one more step at a time.

Yes, that is what I am doing. Wondering now if he’s going to say ‘this is not the way’. Or yes, or not, or…

Some years ago, the Indian cricket team beat the Australian team in Australia, which had not happened for 22 years. I was reading in a magazine about the player – who comes from Bangalore – who scored 233 runs. When people asked him “How do you play? Do you play to win the game or the series or what?”, he replied, “I try and play one ball at a time. I’m not playing the match. The most important thing to realise when you are batting is that the only thing that decides your fate, your score, your career or anything else, is that next ball.” He said, ‘If you can do that over a long period of time, you will succeed. It is not an easy thing to do, though.” This man got it, because you can only play one ball at a time. But he says it is hard because he is trying mentally.

Ghegheghe…. one ball at the time. Exactly! 😀 One prison at the time, one addiction at the time, obviously.

Only when you begin to know life and understand the limitations of life, the longing to go beyond life arises. If you are not intimately in touch with life, your longing to go beyond life is just a falsehood; all you are looking for is a drink.

Ghegheghe, this synchronicity is so wonderful! 🙂 Check out that last sentence. It is amazing. The rest is amazing too btw. 🙂

Just work one ball at a time. Right now, what is your limitation, how to go beyond this.

So that I must do. With quitting alcohol I read the book ‘Quitting the drink easily’ from Jason Vale and with every ‘reason’ for drinking he mentioned I sat down and felt and thought about how it attached to me – or how I attached to the drink. And then I found a counter argument / place to live from and severed the connection. So I am guessing this is what I must do with procrastinating. Look at it. Ieeeeeeeeeeeeehks!!! And that would be the first question: why do I fear looking at it so much? Because I feel totally out of control there, I can not oversee things and I fear this is where I fail BIG TIME. Not a little BIG TIME but BIG BIG TIME like friends and family would not like to know me anymore if they knew what a failure I was in doing stuff.

Hmmm, it feels true but it sounds a bit strange. It does not sound true. But it feels true. But it sounds funny, not really true, possibly true? Noooo, well, aaaahrg! Dunno!

Back to separating from the feeling and panick: this is very informative. It very much sounds like I get stuck here. It needs investigating. Not now. Next post.

Whatever methods have been given to you, are they breaking some of your limitations? That’s all you have to see. If they are breaking, it’s fine, continue to break. Don’t worry about the ultimate. If it’s one ball at a time, doubt is no problem.

So, my former tries at dealing with procrastinating have not been ‘adequate’ or maybe, like addiction it showed up in newer forms and I had to go deeper. Yes, I guess I have to go deeper. That has worked with former addictions: looking at it, studying them. Oooh yeah, compassion works. Knowledge works. Looking for knowledge works because that is somehow forming too. Rigorous honesty and baby steps. Guess I’m back at the post I came from. 🙂

What has changed? In real life nothing. But in my life I have spent about 2 hours looking at procrastinating and how it connects with me / how I do that.  NEW!!!! And I have learned that I am still alive. 🙂 NEW!!!! And looking for chocolate!!! No. Not going there. 🙂

I will go make a mind map of all the work things I would like. No promises.

I am happy that I quit because I am learning a lot. This sugar detox is going well too actually. 🙂 Looking forward to dealing with the next hurdle NEW!!!!! 🙂 Feeling curious, feeling a little anxious, feeling proud of this post. 🙂

I need: to keep breathing and to learn to not drown in feelings. Feelings are motivators, feelings are information, but I am not sure if feelings should be running the show on their own.

I want: ooh, to sleep. 🙂 And chocolate. No!

I take: Ayurvedic pills. Sometimes Schuessler salt Magnesium against chocolate urges. Doing that now. 🙂

3 Things: 1 Synchronicity. 2 The post from Sadhguru. I am still not sure if I would buy a 2nd hand car from him but he says things that I can understand / so I can understand them. 3 The potatoes I just ate. They were marvellous. I tried to boil them while writing this post. First I kept the water boiling for 15 minutes (small potatoes) without adding the potatoes. Then I added the potatoes, set the alarm again but forgot to press the start button. All while writing about ‘1 ball at the time’. 😀 Yesterday I finished the cookbook from my Ayurvedic doctor I was ‘supposed’ to finish last Sunday. He repeatedly says: when you cook, do not do other things than cooking. Cooking needs love and attention. One step at the time. 🙂 And what is in the way is The Way.

On discipline: well, stuff is moving, slowly. No promises.

Hope you have a nice day/evening!

xx, Feeling

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Where I need to be

I think I am where I need to be. NEW!!! I am now smoke free, caffeine and tea-ine free, alcohol free, BSM free, sugar free, almost meat free. I go out for a tour almost every day. I added ‘no sugar’ to the list of things I am doing for my health, mainly for my spiritual health actually because it creates mist.

The no sugar feels like it is settled ok(ish).It is not totally settled because still I feel like; ‘Well if quitting sugar makes me want to drink I will eat sugar!’ Which is exactly the addict within speaking but because my resolve is low and I quit only ‘because I could at that time because I ‘know’ I have to do this step before I can do the next’. That is different from the alcohol quitting. That was really a Process of saying goodbye which ended in a Decision and Action. Now I am doing this half assed, but ok, let’s see how it goes.

What is left to take care of is sleeping and PROCRASTINATING. Which, in my life, I guess is the biggest and most difficult one. You can not, or maybe you can, imagine the fear I experience when I think of having to do stuff ‘in the future’ for ‘money’. While if you ask me to wash your car, take your kids out to the playground, cook dinner, or watch your store for a day, help you setting up your business I do that and enjoy it. It is strange. I fear having to represent myself because I now I feel actually more secure about myself than I have ever done. I actually get remarks about that from friends saying that I look so much at ease now. And ‘I do no know what you did in the last year but you have changed a lot.’ But then…. the outside world with measurable demands. Well, next post. 😉

Now, there is no addiction to hide behind anymore. All other things have been dealt with so I am where I need to be. 🙂 (Aaaaaaahrg…. this is so scary….)

Next physical step is to adjust bedtimes to normal and waking up before sun-up. But I need to sleep better for that because of the pain in my arm I wake up 5 to 10 times a night. And then turn of the alarm so when/if I sleep I do not wake up too early. The ‘logical’ solution to the pain is taking painkillers. I don’t want to go there because after having had a few they started calling me. 😦 It saddens me. The other ‘logical’ solution is to get a cortisol shot. Don’t want that either. Not going to poison myself, been there, done that. I do some tapping, need to continue but it always ends in immense crying and sobbing with the things that ‘pop’ up. Tapping is wonderful, it loosens so much – which is exactly what scares me. 😀

NEW! I am now at 79 kilo’s without even dieting. That is 3-4 kilo’s down without thinking about it. That is a real nice gift. Funny enough when I came to the point where my weight did not bother me anymore I loosened up energy to really feel my body. That made me want to become healthy. Some of you might find it funny that I say ‘without thinking about it’ after the list of x-free things. 😀 But those I skip for spiritual, developmental reasons and I find joy in that, it does not feel like a diet. And I think I need it because I think I hide in addictions. Quitting the rubbish helps me look at the addicted structure of my character.

I am guessing the Ayurvedic pills I am taking support the weight loss. But also, because I am now eating what I should for my body type, I feel more saturated and content. Part of my craving for food and solutions from the outside is emotional, part of it is physical. It is costing me money I don’t have, but I have taken the decision to do this otherwise I feel I will never stabilize. This Thursday I’ll be seeing the Ayurvedic doctor again. Did I mention that I am starting to feel healthy and generally more active? That is good :-).

So from yesterday to today I did a first step of going to bed at the right time and waking up at the right time. (again). Well, baby steps, knowledge, rigorous honesty and compassion.

I am happy that I quit because it is bringing me where I feel I need to be. NEW!! Which is dealing with the fears I have that cause me to procrastinate.

I need: to get a move on

I want: the pain in my arm to go

I take: Ayurvedic pills, sometimes Schuessler salt Magnesium against chocolate urges.

3 Things: 1 clarity in my brain returning NEW!!! Not tested yet on real thinking stuff but it feels good. 2 There is something I would call ‘lust for life’ returning. NEW!!! Well, new-ish, it has been going on for several days now. I like it. 3 The beautiful whether of the last days allowing for beautiful trips outside.

On discipline: went to bed on the time that I had planned, woke up on the time I had planned. NEW!!

Have a nice day / evening!

xx, Feeling

6 Days no sugar

NEW!! Lots of it. I’m thinking I am coming near to the place where I need to be with not eating sugar. And I also realise why I got into sugar so heavily – 150 grams of 72% dark eco chocolate a day which amounts to 50 grams of, well, not refined eco sugar a day. Still less than the average American eats (80 grams!). I’m now coming up with all these buts but I, pfffff, it is all so very addicty.

I compare my use to others, saying theirs is worse.

I bought extra stuff I did not immediately need at the supermarket so they would not notice I only came in for the chocolate.

I started to worry about handing my loyalty pass at the store because ‘They might realise that I was addicted’.

I took chocolate stock when going for sleepovers ‘Because I might run into a situation where I was in need of it’. And when I realised I never did this with alcohol I ‘deduced’ that my drinking was not that bad….. Yes…. 😦

I ate chocolate in the train before meeting people so I would know I ‘had enough’. In drinking days I would sometimes take a beer in the train, or 2, or actually 4.

I hid chocolate from my SIL, feeling very anxious about showing here that I had some in my bag. That was BAD. Shame flooding me.

I would walk through the city and think of home and feel a BIG relieve because ‘At least I am safe there, I have chocolate.’

I hid chocolate papers in my bin so people who would drop by would not see them.

I hid chocolate when the doorbell rang because I did not want to share.

The bar of my preferred substance is 100 gram. I would eat 150 gram (be LOADED!) and then say ‘See, I left 50 grams, I am not addicted! :-)’

I tried to moderate, did not work, that got me running to the shop at 22:00 in the evening buying chocolate and toilet paper or so. Yesterday I thought ‘What if I only eat chocolate in the weekend?’ Ghegheghe… been there….

Almost all of these thoughts, actions, whatever you call it I did with alcohol. It was shameful but I tried to not go into the shame but look at what was happening and wait for the window of opportunity where I could stop. A tiny one came, so I quit. Still not sure about the future because my resolve is low. Specifically because I internally play the one addiction against the other ‘Oooh, I if this gets too difficult on the not drinking alcohol….. I might as well eat some chocolate here and there.’

And no, I do not think chocolate is evil. Well, parts of me thinks so. But for me, I obviously overdid it again and rolled into addictive behaviour just like that. It is informative. I let go because I could not handle it and then promised me that I only needed to look at how it was going. After I let go things went crazy quickly. Within a month I felt I was in full-blown addiction with the hiding and eating more and more etc. And yes, sorry to those who struggle with more dangerous stuff and would like to say ‘Stop moaning, be happy it is only chocolate!’ :-(. This is my way. I need to get unaddicted in order to deal with life. Hmm, maybe I am waiting to be perfect in order to deal…. Here! You see! Insight coming. :-D.

Ok, this was the moaning. Now the real life: I panick when I don’t eat chocolate. I get face to face with my financial issues. I’m several rents behind, don’t even know exactly how much. I do not open my paper mail. I, well, do not dare to open my e-mail. I do that, but not the once saying ‘Invoice’. So no, I am still not dealing. Not eating chocolate puts me face to face with that. And…. I noticed I can’t deal.

So I use all my well-developed denial skills to not look at it. But I have promised myself to look at how I do that. And the other day I discovered the possibility of detaching myself from my feelings; sort of drawing back into myself and saying ‘Hey, so this is how I deal with that? Hmmm, and I tend to panick, say, yes, I am panicking now.’ But the feeling does not get ‘inside me’ if you understand? It does not throw me about because I look at it. NEW. And well, I can only do that for a few seconds, half a minute at the most and then I am wasted. Guess I need to learn to breathe when I am there.

And now for the crazy: I get visions, not sure what to call them, they are images of things I do not consciously know or remember. Paintings, nature, historic images of people, sudden experiences where the whole world falls apart in particles, a bit Matrix like. Flashes in which I see my body in the inside. Flashes where I am suddenly in the Universe floating about.That is the crazy. I have been very scared of that and I’m not sure if I am lying here, if it is addict speak but this is what I have been afraid of most and what has kept me from eating clean and not taking chocolate (added sugar).

Contact with people has become easier in one hand, because I am not so scared anymore because I can hold/contain myself better. But also more tiresome because what people ‘give’ each other, disrespect, denial of emotions, aggression, it has become very clear. Specifically now I have watched the series ‘Lie to me’. FINALLY I know I am not an alien, I just see things with more precision. Which by the way, still makes me feel like an alien. :-(. Not done with that subject yet.

I think addiction, chocolate, sugar, eating with loads of E-numbers, internet, what have you, takes me away from feeling what is going on. And, yeah, sorry to say, damn, I feel really ashamed about saying this but I think I feel more intensely than other people do? Or have less skill to deal with it. Or both.

Quitting alcohol and then sugar however DOES bring me closer to the place where I need to be in order to deal with what I am, how I am, why I don’t ‘function’ like a normal person. 😦 Ooooh, back to the moaning: I don’t want to be like me. It hurts. I don’t want to be so complicated and… Voice cutting through: You are not complicated, this world is set up disfunctional for human development, you are just at the receiving end of that, and ghegheghe, fighting against it, you might want to look into the last part.’

At one time in the process of going into a detox programme I had to fill in whether or not I heard voices. I don’t remember now what my answer was. I wonder if these voices ‘count’. There are bad voices too. How is that for sweet child speak ‘bad voices’ :-). I tend to cut them out. I need to do so more sternly lately because as it gets lighter the darkness starts to push back. Need to incorporate it. Listen to it, feel it, hug my demons.

I wonder if you think I am going nuts or are off track. I think my spiritual life is perfectly on track. My normal life is, pffff, dunno where. Which is about as destructive as drinking heavily on a daily base. Hmmm. That is an insight. NEW. Aaah fuck.

Good thing: my bloodpressure feels very normal and low now I don’t eat the sugar. And urine (yep, sorry) has turned watery again. I am hoping the infection in my shoulder goes down too but that is still going up and down pain wise.

Ok: all of you not liking the Sunday night because at Monday morning work follows…. be grateful :-). And I will try to be grateful for having the time.

Last night I dreamed. Met up with the adult version of a guy I had not seen since he and I were 16. I used to be pretty popular in one year then but he really disliked me. I could feel his dislike like a big dome of energy around him. He only looked at me shortly and then looked away quickly, later in life I have seen people who were diagnosed with autism do that too, and scared animals. With the autistic people, and the animals I realise: I am too intense, they can’t deal with the unstructured energy I throw about. Funny that it is always my fault btw. With him I realised in the dream how I make contact. I don’t check how somebody is. I don’t hold back to feel how / where a person is, I barge in and state facts. (Ooh, you noticed?) He could not deal with that. So we never connected until I learned a shitload from him in my dream. He died about 20 years ago in a plane crash here in the Netherlands. When I heard about the crash I immediately got an image of him and ‘knew’ he was in the plane. I only heard years later that he actually really was in the plane crash :-(. Obviously we were more connected than I realised. Thank you M for showing me how I do things not constructively. ❤ I am sorry I was such a pain in the ass. 😦 I hope I can take this lesson with me. No promises.

I am happy that I quit because I am learning so much. Need to keep check on the crazy. Sometimes I feel things can go either way now. I can snap under the strain of weirdness or hopefully give it a place and throw away all the non functional layers of adjustment to this society I have done and which hurt me so badly.

I need: to get a move on because I’m going out with a friend (Hi! A!)

I want: more time.

3 Things; 1 dream, 2 feeling that I get to the place where I need to be. 3 Life. Funny, I had this experience of energy coming from my first chakra shooting up. Yeah, yeah. Just logging the crazy too.

On discipline: getting an inkling and doing stuff with it. Yesterday I read a small book on Ayurvedic cooking, finish the rest in the train today. I could focus. That is good.

On sugar: 6 days no sugar! Yeah!

Hope you have a nice Sunday!

xx, Feeling

Short post :-D

Short post – short post – short post. SHORT POST!!! Well, for me, short. 😀

Spoke with the husband of the nutritionist friend today and it was a good conversation. He spoke of working and doing what I LIKE, mind mapping these. That sounds way better than the nightmarish visions I have been having about work. Not sure when I got stuck in those.

So, well, what did I do, I had not had enough outside time so I went to the give away store to see if they had some books left. Came to speak with the volunteer on the stool (chair!) I had brought them. This IS a really strange word to use but the translator actually says it is correct. And one thing led to another and I offered to help her fill the book cabinet with new books – truth be said (and told to her!!)… I knew there was a box with spiritual books somewhere that I was interested in.

So… there I was, in a bookstore. And yes, I suddenly realised that is actually pretty strange. I mean, you don’t all go walking into bookstores chatting with people do you? I would love you to do so and inform me of what you encounter. 🙂

But I was happy and I learned a lot. I had filled up the empty spaces in the shelfs and that only took 20% of the work. And then I thought…. I need to rearrange these logically because this is far from perfect. And hahaha, that’s where I lost connection with the joy I was having. Spoke about it with the bookstore girl and she said: ‘Yes, I learn a lot here, I mean, it took me a while but I found out I run into the same stuff here as I did in the job that I got overworked in. So the learning opportunity is to find a way to deal with it.’

In answer to my perfectionist wish of organising and grouping and naming: ‘Yep, I just say ‘I only do it if it is fun.’ Which is EXACTLY what it was not anymore when I wanted it all perfect. And let’s be well: what is nicer than browsing through a give away shop and between the books on countries finding your favorite children’s book, a book on lucid dreaming or an ancient yoga book?

Give away shop btw is literally what it is: you can come and take stuff you like. No more than 5 things a day. And when it is sale you can take more. 🙂 You would not believe the turnover they have! Whole bags of stuff can change hands within 5 minutes. People bring stuff, other people take stuff. I am slowly cleaning up my house, bringing old stuff, books and cloths while walking there and sometimes taking back books. The give away store ‘concept’ comes from the squatters scene. It is actually a really good thing.

I learned to feel how I get of track when being a perfectionist. How it ruins my pleasure and how negativity sets in IMMEDIATELY when perfectionism shows up. That was astounding. Actually, perfectionism and negativity might just be the same thing just being named differently. They sure do have the same result.

I learned that I have these restricting forces in me at all times, I can not start anything without going into perfectionism and falling into negativity. I went home. Ate. Started up an old work project I had laying about and felt how time and time again Perfectionism would pop up and the feeling of not being enough and not being able to cope almost directly with it. I guess I have gotten an insight in how it works.

Second thing I learned: I was in the lowest of lowest places workwise, status wise, economical value wise; being an unrecognised assistant to an overworked volunteer in a give away shop. And she and I connected, I did something I enjoyed and learned not so much who I am or where I stand. But I did learn to feel the mechanism of why I can not sustain myself and do not have faith in me: I break myself down. When walking away from this beautiful farmhouse in a weird sort of green corner of the city I felt like I had come to the level where I need to be to understand what I need to do; not break myself down.

I am happy that I quit because I am learning a lot.

I need to: sustain me.

I want to: go to bed.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and warm turmeric milk.

On discipline: growing, going to bed earlier, getting out of bed when needed, being on time for an early meeting.

On sugar: 4 days free now. The mist is starting to lift. First 2 days I had ‘need chocolate’ thoughts 20 times a day but not anymore. I am still making apple sauce for breakfast and a tiny bit after dinner though so I am not going in cold turkey. I have no headaches either.

3 Things: 1 meeting the nutritionist husband and speaking of life and work, 2 enjoying working alongside the bookstore girl, the insights I had on perfectionism and how it sets me up for immediate failure and HOW TIREING it is.

Hope you enjoyed this semi short post. I actually deleted a whole paragraph. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Filling the hole in the soul

As time goes by thoughts grow, or unfold if you wish. My latter experiences with the transfer of addiction to the subject of ‘man’ have made me wonder ‘What do I want?’, ‘What is the answer I think I will get?’. It is not an easy question, I find it embarrassing. I have come to learn in this last year that a lot of personal growth has a track that takes me through the fields of shame and embarrassment. And if personal hidden shame is not enough to get the experience to settle… I have somehow managed to take it to the public and make a fool of myself there. Well, if that is the road, that is the road. I have no energy or pride left to wish it differently anymore.

So when looking at the subject of man and thinking that ‘relationship will save me’ I found that I again and again look for approval from the outside. Which, well, in itself is I think a sign of being a social being. Also, when using the longing that is in there to not feel other feeling and not feel what is actually going on (on the verge of bankruptcy, not doing anything about it, not opening mail anymore, scared to pick up the phone 😦 ) then I think it is actually doing exactly what alcohol did for me. Or, I have just switched subjects.

So, after realising that, sorry for the very ill choice of words, but I have this hole in my soul and it needs filling and The Other is the solution. While laying in bed this morning I felt clearly how this hole in the soul feels to me and what I want from The Other. So I was wondering what would happen if I would imagine that I could fill it myself. And so I did. It takes careful feeling and careful imagining but I think I did it. Pretty cool, if only for a few seconds to feel whole. And haha, that is where the attachements are gone and I can stand on my own two feet and The Other is another – no wanting or needing, no attachments. Yeah, dûh… I know, it is so obvious I should have known. But to experience it is just, well, I think ‘on the brink of healing’ would be in place. 🙂 I am guessing I learn best by exercises like these. 🙂

So, am I whole now? Ghegheghe, noooooo! First, ok second thing I thought was: ‘I am whole now, so I can go visit the bookstore and tell aaaaaaaaall about it!’ How is that for a ‘I have not drunk for 2 weeks, I’m not an addict, let us have another one.’? First thing I thought was ‘Hmmm, so that is how it works.’ And I was really happy. ❤ So I am guessing a combination of experience and actual knowledge of addiction need to go hand in hand to solve issues. It is slow but there is progress.

Something I have wanted to voice out here for a long time already. It has to do with my place in the world. I do not know how the world works but to me parts of its workings come in images I tend to want to take on as either truth or Truth – who knows. I don’t have any words here that would link to any theory of existence known to me so if I write there is no meaning to these words other than the general ones.

What I like to take on as truth, just because it fits my thinking pattern is the following idea: I think/feel/experience the world in different worlds. Not that I think the matter is different but I think how I (we?) experience the world has to do with the way we look at it. Like some people look with economics in mind and see all kinds of economical things in every experience and thing, some people see darkness everywhere. Some people do not believe in coincidence and see miracles and synchronicity in the world. And there are people who see miracles and synchronicity everywhere and always and they get taken to hospital. Meaning: we experience the world as WE are and there are boundaries to that mode of experiencing. Living extremely in one way of experiencing the world is not healthy.

To me it feels like there are several of these worlds, I can only clearly identify one and that is the shaman way of seeing things. To do so one needs to be in a special mindset / a special place of mind to see it like this. I sort of feel there are several of these worlds and I feel like I shift between them easily. While all these worlds could I guess be only places in the mind I feel I can explain them best by this picture I have from them: imagine several layers of seeves on top of eachother, some space between for people to walk on. And every seeve is a world. And within every world there are places where I belong and where I do not belong. So e.g. in a shaman world one can be hunter, seeker, seer or shaman or what have you. It might have been more practical if I were to identify with a more common world more easily but I do not.

I feel that I, with letting go of addiction and my want to become clear, have fallen, or been shaken through, several layers of sieves and my experience/fear is that I still have some awful layers to go before I get where I need to be. It is my fear/fear-drive that I need to lose everything before I can live again. There. I said it.

I feel that I am currently not at the right place to take decisions or do something about my life because I am not in the place where I need to be. Unfortunately, it feels like the place to be is where I have lost everything. How is that for a scary drive.

I hope my ehm, musings (?) do not upset you, again I’m letting the crazy out and ha! since I don’t speak with the BSM anymore it gets vented here. :-D. I think that ‘the crazy’ has a world of its own. It is not a good place to be for a long time. But it is informative to see what kind of crazy somebody/I seems/seem to pick.

So, now I wonder if this whole picture I have is true, or that it is just another version of self-destruction wrapped in theory. I mean: every ‘solution’ I find to a problem is destructive so, haha ;-/ , why not my view of my place in the the world too? And now I ask my Self and she says: ‘It does not matter’. And I become acutely aware of my grappling after theory and trying to understand the world why during that time I could have sat back and focus on the place where I am whole and Self and possibly during that time I could have defused a whole lot of the fear I am feeling. So, if only I could. And I finally experience what it is to over think (Hi Anne! I think I’ve got an inkling now! :-))

So what will I do? I will pick up my book from Groff who writes about Basic Perinatal Matrices in which somewhere there is a description of an attitude towards life which says to always need destruction before rebirth can happen. When we once spoke about this during a course I followed my therapist mentioned ‘prone to addiction’ while discussing the state, I believe it was BPM III or IV. The ‘destruction before rebirth’ feels like a dangerous mode to be in, specifically since financial worries make the forces inside so big that I feel self destruction is around the corner. Thoughts of suicide popping up again – no, not to worry. So yes, I immediately ditched the sugar I was eating (Day 3 now! Yeah! Clarity starting to come back, mindset still dark.)

With the suicidal thinking, I spoke with Self and she said: ‘It is a misunderstanding. Things happen and you want out, you do not want to go through the learning experience you need to go through. That is all.’ I like my Self. 🙂 Even though she never brings solace, she only brings information. I sensed today somewhere in my hole in the soul experience that the looking for solace, for being comforted, for judgement, for rewards, they are all part of the, well, my, structure of addiction. I understand that now, but it is a lonely world I seem to have made up. I mean, why could I not understand that receiving flowers, money and gifts on a daily base are The Thing?! Grrrrr….

Lately I have been practising looking at my feelings rather than ‘only’ (?) experiencing them and I found it is sometimes is very comfortable. I mean noticing ‘I get thoughts of suicide before I even try to solve a situation’ is a lot more comfortable than ‘I don’t want thihiiiiiiis, I’ld rather be deheeeeeead!!!!!. :-(‘  AND!!! Sitting by, looking at what happens gives information. I thought the information could only be had when diving head-first in there (yes, yes, very addicty) but sitting still and being aware of the feelings passing by is very interesting too. 🙂 And I am guessing it is a way to be able to gain information AND with that info do stuff. That was the life’s assignment I got from my therapist: 1 feel – 2 gather information – 3 act upon. I was stuck in phase 1. Now I am practising phase 2. And bwaaahahahaaaa :-(, I still do not feel I can do phase 3. I still feel the doors to the world are closed.

In my dreams last night I walked around in a tiny village looking at people and noticing how they all were comfortably gathered in groups and enjoying themselves while I could not even imagine an entrance into living like that. I notice I envied them. Now I come to think of it, there is something there, in real life I am way more at ease with (tiny) groups than I have ever been and still I dream like this. I tend to be comfortable in groups and not nearly as often to a ‘power thing’ to maintain grip and when I do I tend to notice, change my behaviour and say sorry.

I think my aversion of the world has to do with work, I feel I can not live up to expectations AND keep myself whole. I am afraid if I do not keep whole I might not recover and, well, it is in those words already ‘I might not recover.’ I am afraid work asks so much from me that I can not maintain myself. And when doing that I look at the card with photo of the mother of my SIL, who died 2 weeks ago. She would just say: ‘There, there, now you have not even tried yet so you should not judge so quickly.’ 🙂 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Even though it puts me eye to eye with all my childish failure.

I need: no idea.

I want: the pain in my body to go away.

3 Things: me, myself and I (Where, where does that come from?)

I take: eh, Ayurvedic pills, turmeric golden milk with black ground pepper, I have the idea I can not find the right Schuessler salt for my shoulder pain so I stopped there. Ooh yeah; NO added SUGAR. I do do the easy form so I do eat my 3-5 apple home-made apple sauce in the morning. Which must be loaded with sugar but if the mist does not leave me soon I will continue to slow down on that too. But not now.

On discipline: non.

Hope you all have a good day / evening 🙂

xx, Feeling

Twins and one dying

Well, I’ve been not wanting to write this for a very long time but ‘signs’ urge me to so here it goes…. 2 Years ago I had a solo sexual experience (how is that for an intro to a post?) which within seconds shocked me into an experience of feeling ‘my brother’ dying and me re-absorbing the atoms and energy of his body and mind / consciousness / spirit – I don’t know what, but the essence that would make him him in this world, not the eternal part. In this experience I was in my mother’s womb and my brother was actually a twin brother. The grieve, it was, overwhelming. Crushing me, crushing me. So, so, so…. pfffff…. no words there. The powerlessness still makes me cry now when writing this. And then the re-absorbing of the dying energy which was awful, sickening and I pushed and fought to keep it out but I could not and it hurt.

I can’t write this without letting the crazy out to explain it so here it comes: this was in uterus, when experiences where still felt fully and every atom of me moved with the flow of life and everything was Life and then he died. I think to understand now that later, when we come into this world we learn to not experience life as I did then. Or maybe I only did so because of this overwhelming happening. I don’t know. God it hurts to feel somebody dying, the life energy leaving, it was all so clear, so clear. And there was nothing I could do. I wanted to help and safe him, I could not and I felt so guilty because something said that if I had not survived, he would have lived. Or maybe that is what I made of it, maybe that is what my adult brain makes of it. I don’t know. But things fell into place and I wrote a mail about it to my therapist which I believe I never send. I mean, it is like this intro ‘hey I masturbated and then I had this epiphany’.

I still have the mail. This is what it says and I have added some stuff to it that I understand better now.

I think my search is complete. I have been looking into ‘why am I so strange, different, weird’ for years and I think I found the answer in an experience today. I experienced my twin brother dying while we were both unborn and that shaped my weirdness.

I have a tendency to pick up feelings from other people without knowing it. I describe that as lacking a layer in my aura. Within the twin experience I had it was very normal, in my original setting I was not complete as a person – I was two.

I can not remember well now but the mail reminds me also of an overwhelming experience of rivalry which I won, at his expense. This feeling very much ‘aligns’ with the basic feelings I have in contact with other people. Most normal people won’t notice but when I in therapy or on my own, let the crazy out, take off the mask, I can only admit that I ‘energetically’ for lack of another word, scan people constantly whether or not they will kill me, or I them. That is how basic it is. 😦 Sorry. I must sound like a monster. I feel a monster, I feel too much. I feel as if I am too much, too much, too overwhelming, too big to let space for others. So big I killed my brother. Once I did a therapy weekend and the question came up ‘If I exist, can the other exist?’ and my internal answer was NOOOOOOOO! The other way around does not work for me either; If the other exist, can I exist?’ That answer is negative too. So…. my basic idea of life is a sort of kill or be killed thing. Could be biologically very logical, don’t know. I never know if I am actually crazy or other people just don’t know that they are too.

Facebook today: ‘Let your weirdness shine bright so other weird people can find you.’ 🙂

I feel that the crushing overwhelm I experienced fucked up my core self and knowing what is mine and can be had. And the re-absorption of my dead brothers atoms and energy fucked up the energetic entries into my life. It feels like the rape experiences of later were only re-enactments of my brother dying.

The overwhelm also mixed with my feelings of self-preservation and it is very logical for me to assume now that the energetic base for my aggression towards others and my want/need/having this internal power which says ‘self destruct’ was born in that moment.

During this experience I was shown that I have had the possibility to energetically take up my brother totally and that would put me in contact with the spirit world forever. I would become a shaman by birth. I said ‘no thank you!’ since I very much feel like the spirit world is entitled to run their own affairs without me. Which is a stupid made up ego reply to the fright I felt :-(. The offer came with the knowledge that I would go crazy first, as in, of this planet crazy and then I would have to find my way back to the human world. Another one of those offers ‘you simply can’t refuse’.

I feel guilty that I am alive and always have felt so as long as I can remember. Guilt over killing my brother has always been there. I know I have no proof, other than my experience and my mother bleeding at one time around 3 months for a few days during pregnancy.

When writing the mail to my therapist I mentioned that I saw a relation between the death of my brother, my guilt and my tendency to sabotage relations. I remember that standing out very clearly but currently I have no, wow, I do have a connection to that thought: It is my ‘knowledge’ that I killed my brother with an overdose on female hormones. I would not even know if that is medically possible, have not looked into that. Looking at my hourglass shaped figure with extra filling in the right places I would say that I am ‘gifted’ (good word, looking at the double meaning of it) with high doses of female hormones. What I tend to do in relations is (s)mother. Like I castrated the bookstore man by thinking he’s a coaching project who needs to get clean to be a real person.

Another point I remember from my youth and it has always bugged me is that I had frequent nightmares at the age 3-8 I guess about my actual brother dying or falling into pits or whatever. There were 2 major themes: he was in danger and I could do nothing to safe him. There are a whole lot of explanations for it. There are people who could call it wish-dreams, not sure, possibly so. However to me then it felt real and life threatening and absolute horror. We lived in a neighbourhood with only boys so there was a lot of fighting going on. There is a story where my brother was attacked by 4 or more, can’t remember now, kids which were years older than he and I as a 4 year old jumped in and kicked, scratched, hit and screamed long enough to ward them off. Stories like these were not uncommon but always reported by the neighbours because the playground was in front of their house. Btw: that was in the time where fighting on the streets was ‘something kids do’. And the neighbour said things like ‘you seemed to cope so why interfere.’ Different times.

At the age of 4 I asked my mother why I was here on earth. I remember thinking about that a lot. I could not work it out. Ooh, hmmmm, I only learn now that this is not a surprise :-D.

When I get really sad and cry and lose myself my nose clogges up and I can’t breathe anymore, only through my mouth. This sets of this experience of chocking and dying and an overwhelming sadness which most of the time is not related to the actual issue. Another physical process that happens is wanting to throw up, get the ‘energy’ out of me. This nausea is what I also experienced in my, eh, experience of absorbing the dead energy of my dead brother.

Not sure if it is related but I have a simian line on my right hand of which people who read palms say that this happens due to trauma in the uterus. I am thinking now: is the Simian not the same as twin in English? Or? Well, anyway, the Simian line is where the heart and the head line of the hand are one. Yep, so that is about people who mix up heart and head and don’t know the difference. Sounds familiar.

I have written about this before in post about my Ayahuasca experience and I find it back now in this old mail; I have a tendency to put sadness between me and an experience in a way that ‘everything I love will die’. When I see something beautiful my first experience is happiness over the beauty and even before that has landed safely I put sadness there because I fear ‘it will be broken’, ‘it is not sustainable’, ‘I can not hold on to something that beautiful’, ‘he will not love me anyhow’, ‘she will not like me anyhow.’

Another point in the mail: opposite my tendency to ‘override’ others and well, basically see if I can ‘kill’ them, there is this tendency in me to ward of life energy from others. I have this what my GP calls ‘look about you that you do not need anybody’. 😦 Shit I am wishing I did not have to realise this, this, sadness.

And… awkward part of it; I have this gender confusion, sexual confusion… sometimes it is big and sometimes it is not. It might come as a surprise to you since I’m been moaning about the bookstore man (I soooo wish for a post where this person is NOT included) but that attraction is not physical. He’s actually ‘not my type’ as in ‘does not have what makes me tick’. Which, well, might be a good thing when looking at my history of falling for guys who did make me ‘tick’ but there is no need to even think about that.

Back to gender confusion. I remember the day I found out I was not a boy AND I NEVER WOULD BE. I was 10. I was angry, specifically with the last part. I had always, like, sort of been thinking ‘later’ things would ‘turn out ok with me’. No, I had the birds and the bees talk at age very young, 5 I think so I did know how it works. I just did not feel that way AND I did not want to accept it because my father was dominating the whole family and being a women was a thing to be scared off. I knew that already.

Gender confusion. My ‘epiphany’ came up when, in an orgasm I switched genders in my fantasy. This enormous sluice opened up and all these memories (‘memories’?) came flooding through me. FUCK.

A homeopathic doctor I have says my yang is too strong. When going through the experience I realised that this came with taking up the energy of my unborn brother.

So, how does this continue in my life. At that time I looked up surviving twin syndrome a little but let go because I had more pressing things on my mind as being addicted e.g. But ever since I got sober the twin thing has been pressing on me and it has become more apparent lately. It started with a book about surviving twin syndrome that was on the table in the bookstore and what I read immediately hit home. Like Craig Nakken’s book ‘Addicted Personality’ every sentence was true for me and every sentence was quotable. Obviously I did NOT buy it, thinking it was something I would deal with later.

At my 1 year anniversary the bookstore man offered me the choice of a book and at that moment I thought I need to pick this carefully because it will ring the bell for my 2nd year. That is a strange choice of words but that is what I thought. So…. I did not choose. I was chosen for by the bookstore man who gave me ‘Who am I’ a short version of Sri Ramana Maharshi’s look on life and what we call the individual and he said: ‘You should at least take this.’ The next time(s) I was at the store I tried to make a choice but could not but time and time again the books that I would pick up would be about ‘two’ or ‘black and white’ or  ‘light and dark’, everything happened in pairs. I thought it was a preoccupation of my mind with my bookstore man issue but I think it worked out to be different. I wanted to take the twin syndrome book but I can not imagine this year to be focussed on that. I mean, if anything I should be focussing on money. NOW.

The last time I saw the bookstore man he was being very friendly to a female (girl?) friend of his and that hurt. Not so much the (girl)friend part of it but the me feeling excluded as being a person who he would like to be friendly to. Next day he FB-ed I was a ‘coaching project’ and we have not been in contact since. Falling in love is very educational and has NOTHING to do with reality :-(. It hurts. Well, on leaving the bookstore I walked home through the rain and entered a children’s bookstore on the way. When speaking with the children’s bookstore girl she said ‘My favorite book is from ‘Tonke Dragt’, ‘Stories of twin brothers’. That is when this little bell went of in my head thinking ‘this IS strange’.

I walked home and several tiny things like hearing about twins or seeing numbers like 11:11 and 22:22 have been happening ever since. These have been going on for some years now but are getting even more frequent now.

And now for the strangest part of the funny things. I went to bookstore 2 last Friday. There old bookstore man 2 is still on holiday but I got to speak with the ‘reserve’ bookstore man 2. He ended up giving me a book saying ‘This is the last book I read, it starts of pretty depressing but it ends up being absolutely beautiful, do you know it?’ And I looked at the cover and said; ‘This rings a bell, I have had this book in my hands several times but there is something with it, a darkness I didn’t really feel like getting into.’
‘Yeah, there is, take it, get it back to me some day, and read through the beginning, it is good.’

Something kept nagging while I went home, it kept nagging. I left home, it kept nagging. I did shopping and it kept nagging and then finally this quarter fell: THE BOOK USED TO BE MINE! I brought it to the 2nd hand book store a few weeks ago and gave it to the bookstore man 2. So from all the 15.000 – 20.000  books in that store, this reserve bookstore man, who knew nothing of this, hands me back ‘my own’ book. It is ‘Animal dreams’ from Barbara Kingsolver and the first page is about twins. I had taken it from a pile of a neighbour who was cleaning up her house and offered it for free on Facebook. When cleaning up my book cabinet I realised that I could not get past the darkness it emits so I was wondering if I would read it. So, I guess by now I should read it. 🙂

All in all anything I think to know about the vanishing twin syndrome and the ‘murder’ I accuse myself of could be related to the murder I do on, well, who know, the male part in me? The males around me? Whenever somebody in my environment mentions something about certain groups in society behaving criminal I tend to reply with saying: ‘95% Of the people in prison is male… so where do you think I put the blame for crime in this society?’ Yeah, I don’t normally make friends with that statement, but then again, there is no need to be friends with racists is there? Oooh, there still is some real nastiness there. I was thinking that contact with the bookstore man had made me see that men are human too. I guess I outsmarted this equalizing experiencing this by sexualising the relationship. I actually do know and experience that men are human (without the too.. :-)). It is just (?) that when I get down to the nitty-gritty I realise that in some modes of existence I do not accept that. I guess this has to do with me going into survival mode where everybody is enemy but men most.

My mail also mentioned another insight which I does not connect to me currently but it says ‘contempt is guilt projected onto the other.’ Does not ring a bell today. Which might be funny because I am thinking that some of you might think this whole post is about this but, what can I say, it does not ring a bell.

So…. I can write almost 3000 words on a 10 seconds experience :-). Letting it settle in me lasted way longer, longer. As I said, this happened almost exactly 2 years ago and I still do not know what it is about. I do think it links back to the dream of me having me as a baby. Where the black and white and the balance are very important.

And I do think this ‘concept of two coming from one going to one’ strongly connects to my view of the world, to my higher power if you will. My idea of a higher power is the creative energy, chaos if you will that shapes what is in this world. And as everything in nature there is no such thing as only growing who knows where, there is also the organising thing and the boundary thing. The yin and yang if you will. I actually came to this ‘division’ of the world through an Ayahuasca experience. I wrote, well, actually copied some stuff into the post ‘Yeah, I found what I was looking for!’ it is about male and female and balance.

Ghegheghe, the bookstore man on balance: ‘Pfff, balance, balance…. balance is overrated, balance is very boring and the experience comes when the unbalance happens.’ Aaah, shit, I’ll miss that. 😦 He, nor I, can, by no means afford to unbalance even more but I just love the, well, I guess the rebellious thinking in this. I guess this is where the attraction is attached. Well good to find out. 😦 I added ‘And the learning and shaping happens where we want or need to get back to understanding, integrating the experience and / or ‘the balanced place’.’ Or something like that.

Yesterday I was thinking about this while undressing. I have carried a black and white pebble in my pockets on and off for years now, dunno why, it seemed important after having read ‘The alchemist‘ from Paulo Coelho. The main person has black and white stones as well. A few weeks back I had been wondering why oh why they never fell out of my pockets as they did in his case, they would ‘point the way’. 🙂 And yesterday they did, for the first time in years. I am guessing I need to proceed my learning about the world in the direction of balance and the yin yang concept or I’m guessing the Peruvian / Ayahuasca organisation of the world. Guess I feel at home in this concept of two coming from one going to one. Ghegheghe, or maybe all religions are based on that. Let’s see.

To make a long post even longer. I got to writing this because my therapist said something about my animus not being strong or whatever – because I did not understand it very well. I do understand that there is something with boundaries and regulation and ‘discipline’ if you will out of balance big time. And the drifting in the chaos like I do in my life, I mean, even the way I write: long posts, no editing is unregulated, undisciplined. So where I do not understand the link back to Jung’s archetype thinking I do know something somehow. But not how to put it right. Bummer! 😦

I am happy that I quit, still in this way of pfffffff, looking back and thinking ‘thank God I do no have to do that again….’ I did have a drinking dream the other day. I think it came up with the post from Live to be continued where she mentions that she got trolled by somebody saying something which I translated into “If you can quit so easily, maybe you are not addicted’. I have that too. It is my weakest point. I tend to then point at my bank account and say ‘Now who’s not addicted?!’ But still, in my dream I wandered off. And the strange but informative thing was: I did not like the drink, I thought it smelled like poison, I drank it any way because of the feeling I was expecting to get from it because other people said so…. and because I did not want to have to stand up for myself. Did not want to fit out. If that is a word. Ooh, they also said that if I could quit so easily, I could have that drink, just one to try if it was really that bad. Isn’t it marvellous how dreams can just create people telling me exactly what I most obviously would like to hear?

I am getting into serious trouble with another addiction currently: chocolate. I am up to 100 to 150 grams and I start buying other goods too so I do not only have the chocolate in my basket. The other day I hid chocolate from my SIL. It is amazing. Very informative and it shames me but I solve that by acting like I am past caring. 😦 I don’t know why I need to cry now. I don’t know. I thought I would be tough and in control. I’m not. While there are few people in my life who actually as precise as I do know how damaging it all is. Well, dark 72% eco chocolate, but still… it is starting to replace my dinner.

I need: well, stop running and listen to my body. I am very tired, again I have not slept due to pain in my arm and shoulder because of the infection of the tendons and my heart is pumping like crazy to make up for, dunno what. My body said: easy on the chocolate, no more meat!!!!!!!!!! MEAT IS DEAD!!!! And more water, no tea, tea has an opinion, sends me places. No tea with herbal effects. (Did your body ever tell you that tea has an opinion?) Well, if this is what it is, I might as well do what my body says and see what it brings.

I want: things to be easy and me to have a lot of energy because, as I said my heart is pumping heavily in my chest because of being tired.

I take: Schuessler salts but not in the right quantities, not sure what I’m doing there. Because  I do not sleep well I eat late and forget my Ayurvedic pills.

On discipline: non, apart from sitting down and meditating / listening to my body and funny enough I have made my bed for over a year now too. I never used to but when I got sober it somehow felt like a good thing to do and during that time I set my intentions to ‘sober’.

3 Things: this post. The beautiful dark blue candle which has been accompanying me during writing. And you, making it to this point in the post ;-).

It’s another long story to document what is going on. Some day it will make sense to me why I write it all down. 🙂

I hope you have a nice day.

xx, Feeling

Yeah, step 1

I updated my Linkedin Profile today. That would be step 1. My heart breaks over and over again when dealing with this past in which I used to be succesful and all of which I drank away. It takes a lot of practice to let go of the pain and continue. My short-term memory still sucks, I would assume it would get better in time but often I can’t remember what I had for dinner the night before. Or what I did the day before. I’m guessing it has to do with lack of organisation in my life and my brain but still. It scares me. But, ok, I updated my profile.

I pulled a tarot card today on what my Karma issue was; I got Fortune reversed. That would be accurate. 😀 Not being able to hold on to money has always been a thing. Sigh. Well, better deal with it now than later. I guess when I do so I will be filthy rich in my next life. 😀

I am happy that I quit. Not so much in a happy happy kind of way but more in a ‘a year from now you will be happy that you started today’ kind of way.

I need: to get outside and see if I can get some fresh air.

I want: well, again, I want things to be simple. Wonder why I make such issue of everything if I just want things to be simple?

I take: Schuessler salts against arm pain. It is lessening, also due to my thick selfmade woolen sweater I wear all day now. And I slept a little better. Which is good too.

On discipline: well, I updated my profile. And realised spiritual growth is not a commonly used currency. When I posted that I got reactions from my SIL who really seems to understands shit about the position where I am in saying ‘supportive things’ like ‘just do it’. Thank you. If I could just do it I would just do it. And yes, well, sorry again… it’s just that the ‘help’ I get from that direction has to do with judging me into shape. It doesn’t work. I wish, wish, wish, wish very much that I could learn a LOT from this because it is EXACTLY how I approach people but damn it is hurtful, negative and destructive. 😦  I find it hurtful and I feel I have to guard myself against her too while doing this.

3 Things: well I guess updating my profile, my home sewn warm blanket sweater 🙂 and OOH! Having lost 2 kilo’s without even dieting AND eating about 100grams of dark dark chocolate a day. Must be due to the Ayurvedic pills and possibly the walking I did when my bike was broken. And…. I started of with some meditation this morning; practising to feel and let the feelings be, let them pass as ships on the see, clouds in the sky – no attachment, just picking up the information. Saves a LOT of trouble. Let’s see if that can be brought into a daily routine. Hmmm, maybe I can get a book about it? 😀

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ghegheghe…

🙂 Wishing you a nice day/evening. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Life is getting serious

So… I finally woke up from my whatever induced coma in which I have been swiming the last year – I am thinking it was denial induced. So now I am panick strikken? Is that word? I can’t breathe, my heart is pounding, I can’t think. My left arm hurts so badly that I woke up 10 times at night minimum for the last week. I’m so tired. Going to my homeland and attending the funeral of my SIL’s mother did take its toll too. A card with her photo is here on my table. This woman has such a bad start with losing her mom in early childhood, an alcoholic father, neglect and poverty, later in life she lost 2 children and a grandson who lived with her and she still continued. She was a very strong and gentle woman. I feel such a loser in comparison to the rest of the world. And still I hear her word in my head ‘No, that is not true.’ She just continued. I want what she could.

Right at this moment my next door neighbour leaves her house, coughing with a bad smokers cough. She drinks like crazy, crazy, like worse than I ever did but still holds down a job in the restaurant business and is able to pay her bills. Sometimes I wonder if she’s better of than I am. 😦

So yes, I have not ‘moved on’ after quitting drinking. I have done a LOT of things, but not moved on. And when you stand still while time is moving…. one day you (I!) find that you (I!!) are (am) way behind. Bills are piling up, some are overdue, rent for several months is overdue. Money is running short.

Facebook reads: Remember; ‘You can’t reach what is in front of you if you do not let go of what is behind you.’

So where does that leave me? Not sure. I have some ideas on work and income but first I need to deal with my arm because the pain does not allow me to think straight – and the tension of not thinking straight and my situation put the stress and pain there in the first place. I do not dare to take painkillers often – I know me, they spoke to me. Which is funny because I can take Bach remedies with alcohol and they do not call me but the painkillers do. However, I’m currently making a sweater out of a woolen blanket with extra layers of wool where the pain is so I walk around like a Michelin man all day. That is step 1. Self care. Eventhough I feel I do not deserve it. No, not true, I am perfectly fine on myself – it is in relation to others that I feel ashamed and feel I need to answer their questions and be what I think they want me to be. I so wish I could isolate just a little longer. And then again: alcoholism is a disease of isolation.

On that topic: I have now told a few people around me that I had to quit drinking but I’m guessing I still do this ‘speaking just exactly next to the real issue’ where I emphasise that I quit, rather than ‘I had difficulty’ with it. And that it worked, rather than that I had known all my life that I would become addicted. So…. eventhough some people know…. they do not react as if they realise what it means. Last weekend my SIL offered me a glass of wine…. I mean? How strange is that? I do realise that she had just lost her mother and might have been in her polite mode but for me it was rather strange. Saying ‘no thank you’ and thinking ‘da fack did I tell you for?!!?!?!’. Again I feel that because I am not being 100% honest about this I am not getting the support I sometimes hope for. Or people are just stupid. That’s another option. Or they don’t care.

Or, as my GP says: you have no entry for anybody to give you support, you do not look like you need support and you do not accept it.   I can’t, I do not have a face for asking for help – litterally. Because I find that I do not have the right to do so I can not ask for it honestly and my face shows that I think I am fooling the other with asking for it. As if I am faking it. So I go back to my control mode and ask something businesswise and I get businesswise support. I am guessing this is a subject ‘taking off the mask’ would know lots about. You there?

So… life is getting serious. Life started to get serious with the bookstore man happening of the last post. And that left me lost and lonely, which, eventhough it does not feel good, is a place I guess had to find to experience what I had projected onto him. I now know that this disconnect from the world and people around me is a major thing in my addiction and it is difficult to accept – since I think to know I am actually weird for real. As in ‘I wonder if aliens know they are alien’ weird. Maybe it is good enough for now to realise that this assumption/fact determines my life. I do not trust that people will like me. Ever. When they do I assume they will turn against me sooner or later. There is another thing I discovered over the bookstore man happenings: I tend to choose guys who exactly do not like me enough to accept me or love me. I feel with that I re-enact the relation to my parents. I would say mother but my father was no different, only he came to be like that later – in my experience.

My photo book from baby-todler time has all these comments to them ‘she is very nice about this and this BUT…..’, ‘she learned this and this quickly BUT….’, ‘she is very sociable then and then but when……’, ‘she is very good in this BUT her brother is even….’ All these comparisons and all these moments where I was exactly not good enough. Not failing all over but exactly missing something that could be pointed at. There is always this ‘hand on the wallet’ which is a Dutch saying for, well it possibly explains itself. It might sound funny but to me it feels like in no situation energy may flow. And it is exactly how I treat myself and others. I find it very indicative that it shows up here because I am guessing that when my father wanted to get away from my mother he would spend money, shitloads of it on things which he would like. Oooh, these fights used to be so ugly. I am starting to understand that this was indeed revenge. It is like when I worked this 60 hours a week for this one company I would specifically use products of the competitor in the weekend just to prove that I was having time off.

So, went to see my therapist (hi!) twice in the last weeks. It was good to see him. It is good to be able to speak openly and from the heart about things that I find ugly in me and not have them being met by judgement. It is also funny that I notice now how I have changed. I used to go along with a lot of things because I felt ashamed and guilty over drinking. Now I tend to say no to things that feel like saying no. It is easier to be honest about things, so he knows what page I’m on. I want to develop that for the rest of my social life as well. I think. Might not have a social life left when/if I do so :-D. Then again, I find that things in relations go wrong because most people do not say no at the moment things go wrong in the first place. It is only afterwards find out that they actually did not go along and then realise how much they disliked stuff that they react and overdo stuff.

Once I had an ‘epiphany’ that the bookstore man and I had something to sort out there. I had this ‘clear’ view that we needed to work out 4 things between us – as in the reasons why we have met: addiction, speaking our minds and hearts, man-woman thing in a different way – not the usual like->sex route, and this fascination subject of communication and telepathy. We used to go to this place where people speak and the words are just the carriers for the energy and meaning of them easily and quickly. That place where a state of mind or being can be expressed by a subtle moving of the body or a gesture. Or maybe I was stoned too. 😀 No, actually, this is exactly what I like about the bookstore man – this specific trait / ability which made me decide: ‘I do not want to have to ly to this man’ when I met him. The therapist also said: when you lose somebody you need to be on your own what you were together. Or as my hairdresser said about countless pre-decessors: What does he have that you want? Why do you not have that in you?…. Because I think you do.

When I say ‘I do not want to ly’ it might asume that I go about the world lying to people. I don’t, this was about drinking and having to stop but also about daring to show the darkest side of me. Which I did. Which…. indeed I do know is not the best way to ‘hit’ on somebody but there obviously is a difference between wish and execution. Suspecting that this whole episode is ‘just’ ‘another’ transfer of addictions made me decide to do things differently. And ghegheghe, I was not past my 1 year, and he was/is in a relation and I am too fat anyhow so… NO GO, so I might as well experiment with honesty. And I did. And he thought it made me a coaching project. How quaint? Not! Ghegheghe…. Le sigh….

Aaah, the therapist advised me not to ditch the bookstore man. Now THAT is new. The reasoning being: you learn a lot from contact with him. Which is true. And bwahahahahahaaaaaa, I just love the lack of PCness in that. ‘Go meet the addict, it is teaches you.’ Which is true. I just need to let the dust settle and see if and how. And the dust is not settling easily. The air has not been cleared so; no entry. Which is ok, I need to do life stuff. Not addiction transfer stuff. And I actually think it is time for him to say sorry, and if he does not, will not or can not, there is little reason to continue anything because I may be a lot of things – but if somebody looks at me only as a (failed?) coaching project while I was there thinking we were giving friendship a try (while knowing I was in love and not making an issue out of that, more a learning experience) then… well…. Or maybe that is in itself totally not possible. He says he has been honest. I think that is not true. It does not matter a lot because the effect is the same (he’s not interested and I would not be buying when offered) but it is not true.

That is what hurts me most I guess, that he does not go to the trouble of really speaking the truth which in my idea is: ‘I used to be interested sometimes, but not anymore and my perspectives have changed which make me see you differently and less interesting which suddenly means that dealing with you takes energy where it used to give me energy. And yes I have used your interest in me to ask you to do stuff for me and I had doubts about that but I am at wits end so I could not afford to not accept these.’ All of which is ok. I have done things for him not as a true gift but to be off the streets and also to just to see how far he would go with asking while knowing what he did was corrupt. Is either of that correct? No, but it is very human. And I wish we could have been honest about that too. One day I’ll tell him if I get the chance, if there is a one day, if on that one day I still find it important.

So what have I learned? That I am corrupt. I was not so corrupt that I claimed the dinner he promised because I knew I would not be able to handle that. I learned that ‘being in love’ for me is about missing what the other brings to the table. So when I was with the bookstore man I was, say 98% of the time not in love. It would only be when I would leave when I would be reminded of the emptiness of my house that I thought he would be an answer to that. I have never been very proud of that ‘man as solution’ but have not found another answer to that. Apart from learning to stand on my own two feet. All this hanging over, being out of my centre, it is so tiring. I mean, I assume you get tired over reading this. I LIVE it daily! Blegh!

What else did I learn: that indeed for me falling in love is a transfer of addiction. But I believe I said that before. Most of the projections onto The Other are only partially based on anything excisting in the other and therefor not all too personal.

I also learned that, no matter the hours I put in doing work for the bookstore, I still feel that ‘love’ is about me. Yes, sorry. :-(. Very, very, very few times I really, really wonder what he would think, feel, know about me. There’s where projections come in handy. :-D. Projections just fix that hole in reality. I actually think that this is a very important discovery. Yeah, well obviously…. 😉 But in general, how much do we (I!!) fill in for the other: I think that you think… without even checking or being aware of the filling in.

Enough of this. Time to go to bed.

On addiction: life sucks currently but hey, I am happy that I quit because no way do I want to go through all of this ever again. Finding out this stuff which is so, well, would pathetic be a good word? It is painful and I NEED to learn, NOT drink it away or get into another addiction to make it go away.

On discipline: little, planning stuff but not doing it yet, I am doing other stuff like self care stuff and cleaning and walking.

I need: to get a move on but DAMN!!! there are all these different worlds and I can not deal with them all at the same time. I have fallen out of the structure of the normal world and it is so difficult to go back and actually from where I stand, I am not sure if I want to go back because I feel I do not belong there anymore. 😦 With the non sensing, non feeling, non addicted, hard working normies.

Aah, I need to learn to feel, get info out of that and handle or deal with that. What I have been doing in the last year is letting my feelings determine everything. That has long ago gotten out of hand and now I need to get a grip on that again. I can not ‘just do’ that. But I can….. do it by learning how to separate me from what I am feeling. Look at feelings as looking at ships pass by on the ocean, clouds in the sky. Whatever it is, see it as information, not a world to get lost in. Which… now I realise how I do that, feels like just another addiction. The feeling is ok. The wanting to get lost is the addiction. Ghegheghe… this is eh…. going to be difficult. Or easy. Well, it is on the path so it is The Path. Maybe use my egg timer to make me aware of needing to differentiate between what I (think I) am and what I feel. Egg timers rock.

I want: to win the lottery / escape / for all of this not to be real and true and life to be simple. I want to be mailed tomorrow for a nice 3 days research/teaching/writing job.

I take: Schuessler salts for the tendon infections and knotted muscles in my arm. Chocolate – which I guess is not helping with the infections. Somewhere parts of me are getting bored with it. Still not eating meat, that somehow fell out of my diet without me really noticing it.

What do I need to get to work and money: I still feel I need to answer this with ‘time’. Not ready. But I could be ready when the structure is offered. I do however not feel I can create the structure. And I have of course as a self employed bossy person, always created the structure myself. Which, I guess, is one of the reasons why I drank so much. Making structure binds me to this world where I prefer not to be. Drinking cut me loose. This not wanting to be here in this world keeps on returning. I still have not incarnated. Not sure how to ‘tackle’ that. It is another one of those basic ‘assumptions’ or feelings which shape my life. ‘I don’t want to be here’, ‘I am strange’, ‘People do exactly not really want me.’ (they might not know it yet but they will chuck me out). I actually believe that and tend to act upon it allthough lately I have discovered that there are parts of me which want to really be there for other people. Hmmm, NEW!!! But to those like my family; all I feel about it is guilt towards them. That I keep on continuing this charade. Hmmm…. time for bed. This is getting too dark. Sleep = good.

Hope you have a nice sober (?) evening, day. If you are not sober: you might give it a try because ghegheghe…. it is pretty informative. Fun sometimes, difficult most of the time but informative. Information, said the therapist, opens. Which I think, is why learning is so important otherwise I keep on getting stuck and I truely want to free myself. No I don’t; I would not know what to do with me if I were free. Hmmm. That is information too. That would be a good motor for loooooong looooooong moaning posts. 😦

Bedtime. No spell check.

xx, Feeling

Self care continued

Long time no write. Things have been pretty hectic at the feeling front. Thanks to Prim and other bloggers earlier for the warning about anniversary anxiety and stress. Been there…. Not so much on the drinking front, that is (still?) not an issue. Living still is. I’m not doing anything. I should be because money is running tight again. But I don’t know, I can’t. However, things are shifting and that is good, even though they decided to take the dark route. Guess that was necessary.

Anniversary was good. The best thing about it was that I realised that I had been waiting for anniversary to happen. That I somehow felt that if I made it to one year, I had proven something. Which obviously is true – but on the bigger scale of things means nothing. I am starting to realise that addiction is something that is rooted deeply in my system and the living and feeling need the correct attention in order for me to walk the right path. Specifically in this society where I can, between 08:00 in the morning and 04:00 in the night get my hands on alcohol, if I would like. Not that I feel I am a time bomb. I feel more like this society is booby-trapped. So that’s not an ‘I am not ok, you are ok’ but it is an ‘I am ok – you are all not ok’ issue (not personally). There is this book by Anne Wilson Schaef  ´When society becomes an addict´ That is high on my list. Not sure yet if I would like it in order to put blame somewhere else or if I just need to understand how it works.

So, 1 year. I have done a lot in that year. I have quit drinking. That was the easy part. I have continued to not drink – no problem there either. I have learned a lot about me: very good. I have processed quite some anger and disillusion, be it not fully and I possibly have not taken all the learning experiences from it that I could have. I have realised that my -sorry for the word- sensitive structure, combined with the shame culture I grew up in and my I am fearing either karma or predisposition or whatever have you, there was no other way for me to go through life than living out my addictive personality to find rock-bottom and to take it from there. As I said before: I knew with my first beer that I would get addicted to it.
I feel I have not found my rock bottom yet. I have found the alcohol rock bottom. I have not found the addiction rock bottom. I have traded alcohol for sugar, internet and a bookstore man. It is all so very, very clear when the veil lifts, and then it drops again and pffff, there I am, not doing anything with my life. I am intelligent, I have a shitload of skills, I have this natural ‘ability’. People, teachers, bosses, friends, from kindergarten through to any kind of job I had tended to say; I do no think there is anything you can not do. And still, here I am, watching Netflix and not so much pissing the night away as pissing my life away.

Yes I know I am doing that, and before my anniversary it felt like there was no exit out of that. The anniversary changed that and I started feeling like I could do something good. And that’s when life started to confront me again, immediately – which is correct because it is time to wake up. But it is not nice.

I called my therapist (hi), it went something like this: I would like to make an appointment and I am calling also because it is my 1 year anniversary and because I have not told anybody nobody is congratulation me and I feel really lonely right now’

‘Congrats on being one year dry, not sober yet, but dry.’

Shit that hurt. I know that stuff. I was not asking to be lectured, I was asking to be comforted. And no, people don’t need to give me what I want, that is up to them. But if I, for the first time in my life dare to express a need and get a backhanded compliment like that it hurts. Specifically when done so by somebody I trust.

And we continued to speak and I, well, I still don’t feel good about it. I know the difference. I was not calling to be therapeuted and having had my nose being pulled through the dirt. I called because I was lost and lonely and for the first time in my life I felt secure enough to say so and bang! there you have it; backlashing. My stomach is still turning upside down. Fucking smart ass trying out his addict vocab on me. 😦

So, what? We spoke some more and I felt I could not put the phone down without expressing how I felt about it so I told him that it made me feel bad. He said sorry-ish. I did not have the guts to ask for a real sorry. Not sure why, I guess because I am not familiar with that :-(.

I was on my way to the bookstore. At least there was someone who knew and I could count on to be happy for me. He was 🙂 And gave me the opportunity to pick out a book to my liking as a present. 🙂 Sweet. 🙂  I was happy about that. Funny enough I could not choose. I want all the books when I can’t have them, and when I could, I did not know which one. I also thought the pick would need to be specific because for me it would somehow be an intro in the new year and my new process to get back into living again.

Even with this nice gesture it took me 3 days to energetically recover from the anniversary energetic twists.

The nastiness actually started the day before, like I wrote earlier: in a Facebook chat with the 19 bags of empty beer bottles friend. I said ‘Sad here because of my mothers dying day tomorrow.’ He send a :-(. I said: ‘But you can congratulate me on not drinking for a year.’ And he replied ‘I’ll drink to that.’ I am guessing I am to blame for that too, I did not fully explain the trouble I was in, just told him I had to quit drinking. And he’s deflecting with a joke – exactly as I would have done when I was still drinking. God, I was such an ass when drinking. Ieuw. Sorry to the world :-(.

What else did I learn? And my anniversary post, specifically the end, showed me where my shame about drinking really lies: in the tie to my mother. Funny that I can’t call that the bond with my mother. A few days later a friend of mine came over, we go way back and speak personal issues a lot. I did not feel like wanting to hide anymore so I told her about my drinking troubles and of being sober for 1 year. 🙂 Thank God she started with congratulations on the one year. 🙂 And then we spoke about addiction, and how it kept and keeps me down. She was worried that I had not told her earlier. I said it is sort of like having vaginal warts, you don’t go speaking about that to people. Not that I ever had those but, well, you know. I was ashamed, ashamed of well, being an addict, proud of my one year but the shame still resides. I was crying my eyes out and then she reminded me of a mail I had sent her years ago; she had been founder and later co-owner of a high-profile company and she had lost it by choosing a co-owner who from second one destructed her professionally in order to have control over the company. My friend ended up with a tremendous debt and being emotionally and physically broken. I had been doing consultancy work for her but ‘left’ when the co-owner came in: I smelled trouble from the first second I met the co-owner, the hairs on my back literally stood up and I had goose bumps, the bad ones, all over. Hurray for that, but there was nothing I could do to help my friend. She was persistent and I was vague. I would have dealt with it differently now I guess. Me leaving was not all too voluntary, the co-owner knew I saw through her and made sure I was cancelled out as quickly as she could cancel me. I recognised her as a corporate bitch and case builder immediately – and she was. At that point in my life I had no guts or power to confront her with that and I did not, against my better judgement, build my own file. Well, that was long ago.

My friend came out bad and did not heal for a long time. So after she had spoken and cried about it through several of our meetings I finally worked out that she could not forgive herself. So I mailed her in answer to a conversation and asked: Can you forgive yourself?

My friend, who actually blew a same amount of money on her company as I did asked me; ‘Can you forgive yourself?’ I lost it. No. I can not forgive myself. I try, and sometimes there are seconds where I can let go, but then something else pops up and I can’t anymore. And this is true eventhough I know I could not have changed anything because I tried and tried and tried and it did not work – well, you know the process :-(. In my head my mother is still very disappointed with me, over having developed into an alcoholic, over having blown her money, over not doing anything with my life right now. Over hiding in imagined contempt I attribute to her.

We split us, I changed scenery and went to the bookstore. The bookstore man was in a real foul mood and with that I am guessing he attracted some even fouler customers. It is so ‘funny’ how that works. I was there for only 3 minutes and this woman walks in and they flared up within 3 sentences. She left screaming ‘You are crazy!’ He said she was the 4th one that day. I very much felt like leaving but also saw he was losing it so I stayed to be able to take over if needed.

And then….. this girl walked in, stepped behind the counter and started chatting like they knew each other intimately, pleasantly and just normal conversation – nothing deep, nothing difficult. Hmmm….. that was a surprise….. :-S. Not so much the girl, although that hurt, but the pleasantly and the normal conversation. And slowly stuff started to sink in: he does not need or want somebody difficult as I am. Hmmmm. That was clear but painful.

I went home and my heart sank and sank and sank into the deepest pit. I had known this moment had to come even though I obviously did not hope for it. I walked home through town, it was raining so nobody saw my tears, well, nobody would be interested anyway. So very, very clearly realised the use of this transferred addiction and the loneliness; so big. The not knowing what the hell I need or even want to do with my life: so much emptiness. The despair over living in a world were I feel like an alien, again a lonely alien; so overwhelming.

Well, that was the bookstore man. The day after he Facebook contacted me asking me ‘how I was’. That was new…. so I suspected a set-up and it was. Just another way to explain to me that he is not interested in me. Which is ok even though it is painful. And with all his reasoning (Ha! I typed treasoning, ghegheghe…) I felt my need for a substitute addiction fall apart even more and there it was: the rock-bottom I had been looking for and I had been fearing at the same time.

So what did I do? Run to another addiction. I got myself 2 bars of chocolate and a whole series of ‘Lie to me’ at Netflix. This all happened Monday, Tuesday. It is only now that I can write about it. My reflex is still not one of looking for help. Shame is a big part in it. I find it difficult to write this without jumping to things trying to defend me and to demonize him.

I was surprised over one thing: Ego!!! He started of with saying something about ‘coaching’ and I should have let him build his own story but I did not and asked him if that was how he saw me; as a coaching project? He said yes. I was FURIOUS!!!! Why? Because he is the one being coached! Back out of his depression and lack of self care and addiction!

Wow!!!! Now there is a little monkey coming out of the sleeve – which is a Dutch saying, guess it is obvious. :-D. How arrogant we are, thinking we are coaching each other. And…. it has been said to me before: do not castrate a guy if you want to bed him. And I did it, again. Care for, mother, intervene, teach, coach – just different types of meddling, calling somebody incompetent and then saying I can fix it. The other day I was happy for him but also proud of me when he said: I have started to take better care of myself through you, so thank you. I don’t like the pride there, it is vanity. And I should not have done any of that, I should have shoved behind the counter and admire him, like the girl did. That would have been more succesful said the cat. And not carry pride in things like ‘I have never met anybody who thinks like you do.’ Pffff, alien.

So. New, life suddenly feeling very lonely and very sober. I feared this was behind it when I realised that all my ideas of him were projections of me. I did not know it was this bad. And this deep and this lonely in the end.

Shame on loneliness. My mother once told me a story when I went to live abroad on my own(like) at age 15. She said: I remember when I went to live with my uncle at age 18. I was so lonely that I sometimes hid in the rabbit shed. I went abroad and realised that my mother had been lucky for having had rabbits around. I remember my drinking really kicking in overseas on my own. Somehow I am ashamed to say I am lonely. Not sure why. Guess it is for losers. I can’t find a feeling way into the matter. It is closed to me so feelingwise there is only this feeling of loneliness and no air to it and no expansion or room to go somewhere. Guess the shame closes the subject of. I need to remember that.

I try to keep on remembering that loneliness is nothing but yearning for the closure of the gap between people. The hanging over, out of my own center is what creates the pain. I used to be able to understand and feel and correct this. Now I can not anymore. Maybe because I am starting to see the value of people and realise how much I am in need of and actually like contact.

I stumble upon what I call the funny autistic thingy of my character again: the other day I found that I was writing comments to somebodies blog and I rephrased original thinking in order to make sure it would not be misunderstood. In contact with friends I start to think before I speak. NEW!!! My dreams have gone back to the wasteland dreams, dreams where all people cluster together in a sort of anonymous ‘them’ or dreams where everybody blames and shames me for not doing what I should be doing. So yes, I sometimes wish I was not me.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that the ‘love fantasy bond’ with the bookstore man is severed. I am still hiding but well, going to speak with my therapist this weekend so I guess we can work out how to move from the place where I am at. If that is even a place 😦 Lucky me, I still have a broken toe to remember him by. I have not yet decided if I will ever go there again. It does not feel very good to be called a coaching project when I thought we had a normal friendship going on in which I was, as discussed, working out my transfer issues. I am never in love with him when there, the funny thing is that I don’t even fancy him like physically: he’s not ‘my type’. I am beginning to fear that indeed I go for the boys who go for the big mama experience. 😦 Castrate otherwise I can not deal. 😦 Ooh well, there is always tomorrow to learn to do stuff differently, or another few lives… Sigh….

On discipline: none but need for it arises, in overwhelming waves 😦

3 Things; this post, my cat! My self-made ultra warm on my infected shoulders poncho. A reconnection with a person who is becoming to be a fun friend. He’s very technical so we are going to see if we can do a technical project together.

I take: chocolate and Netflix. I should be doing stuff about my shoulders and the infected tendons, they are so hurtful that I sleep really bad. 😦 I also take the Ayurvedic medicine and I notice that fatty bumps on my skin are lessening and that I want to do more, even though I do not always do more but still, tiny things like cleaning up and walking to places now I don’t have a new bike yet are easier.

I need: well, to get my addiction and its consequences fixed.

I want: this all to be over and life to be easy. But I’m not doing anything for it to make it easier and I don’t believe it ever will be. I still cary this feeling of doom and gloom with me. People I speak with, like in the bookstore, tell me that I carry this immense sadness with me. I guess that is true, overwhelming sadness. I have the idea that I translate any extreme emotions into sadness immediately. Swallow them, digest and show ‘I am not a threat to you’ tears. Sadness, my favorite emotion.

I did realise the other day that I make myself unable to move. Not sure what is the biggest issue though. I’m thinking all of them actually 😦 Maybe less on the ego attachment but wtf would I need cosmic energy for if I can’t guide it down to do something with it? My insight really opened up with getting sober and I stuffed it really quickly with the bookstore man illusion. I think I speak the truth, but I am not willing or able to look at the denial I do when it comes to my financial situation. Grief, yeah, I’m big on grief. Everything gets translated into grieve, anger, jealousy, inability, fear, you name it. Shame. Check! Guilt. Check! Fear. Double check.

The title is called ‘self care continued’ well, this post is not about that. I can’t self care. I need to though. Learning to ask for help is still not easy.

Hope you are having a lighter sober time than I am currently 😀 If not, please do remember that no amount of drinking or using will make you troubles go away, they will only get worse. I can’t afford to not have my wits about me so…. easy peasy (for now, but then again, I don’t have to worry about later because I am not in later)