Rock the boat

2 Posts ago I wrote about me feeling like I am on a boat in a sea of nothingness when it comes to thinking about new work.Thing is, the whole picture is not about the boat, it is about not being in touch, in contact with what is going on in the water.

Today somebody rocked the boat. I had to present myself at the social security office. By phone I had replied that I want to waive the right to unemployment benefits because I feel in no shape to apply for a job  or work yet. And with the right to unemployment benefit comes the duty to apply for jobs. Which I totally agree with. The guy said “Well, why don’t you come by anyhow and we can work out together how we can get you to the point where you can apply for jobs again.” Which I thought sounded reasonable, so I went. Also because this strange nothingness might feel ok, I do know it IS a strange place to be.

Guy asks one question and I start crying. Ok….. eh….. maybe I am in a deeper shit than I thought. We spoke for an hour. He strongly urged me to call in sick and get myself sorted out from there. Rocking my boat.

I realised: the water seems calm, that is how I would like to perceive it, how I trained myself to ignore stuff. The monsters are below the water and I do no want to go under.

“Obviously I am no doctor but seeing and hearing what you are dealing with I would strongly advise you to take sick leave and let us help you. If work situations like these repeat themselves they have a tendency to eat in on people and what I hear from you that has already happened. It is my experience that if you do not sort this out now, you might get another job now but I have been in this position for 15 years now and you have some stuff to sort out. You can delay that but in that case it is very likely that we will see each other back within 2 years and then you will be worst off. ”

“I don’t know. I just think if I get a job now it will disappear into the background and all will be ok.”

“What would be your reason not to accept our help, there are literally millions of euro’s in the budget to help people and you certainly do not look like you doing ok.”

“I would drown. If I were to do that I would have the idea I am not in control of my life anymore.”

“Aah, would you happen to be an idealist and a perfectionist too? These traits go together. First people to burn up in this society.”

“Eh, ghegheghe…. is it that obvious? And yes, I know about the connection.”

So there we have it. The boat. The calm see.  The monsters are under the water and I have kept them there because that is what I do.  Will I let somebody tip the boat or will I continue to ‘be in control’. I am afraid I will drown. But I am very much longing to let go. Not sure what I would be letting go of exactly though.

I am at a crossroad.

I am happy that I quit. A woman who loves herself would hmm, jump of the building. That can not be the correct answer. Ha, time to take some serious self-care. I keep on thinking “Just get to work and all will be ok.” but that very much sounds like “Just drink and all will be ok.” At least, this is how I use it. And MAYBE that is true. I do not know. I have to choose now. Or maybe not. Pffff….. sigh.

Wishing you a nice sober day. And yes, know that I am in an absolute luxurious position to live in a country where they actually can and possibly will solve personal issues with the help of government money.

I am happy that I quit but fearing the worst is yet to come.

xx, Feeling

3 years 6 months – feeling I am enough

NEW! Well, not really new, more than a week old I think, but NEW is the feeling of being enough. Looking inside and not shrinking away for my own gaze. Meeting people and being able to accept that they like me, appreciate me. I do not have to shrink away internally anymore thinking up all kinds of reasons why I have no right to live, be present. But it does take practice because something in my energy might have changed, but my mind is still used to running the same destructive path of imagined and thought up unworthiness. So, practise, practise, practise.

And. NEW! Not only me, but the rest of the world seems to need to get used to these new boundaries too. It is funny. Normally I would say, walk around in this world and in the digital world and from this idea of not being enough myself, pre-emptively ‘attack’ or in a negative way interact with other people. Now I am ok with me, and suddenly I get all kinds of people shouting at me. Eh..?? Da fack?! And really out of the blue there are persons all over my case. Today, this person in a private FB group for sharing experiences, she writes 3 pages to semi-scientifically prove me wrong over a casual comment which started with ‘It is no science but this is how I experienced it.’ Eh…. well, she could have been me – I have done that. So I am guessing I am receiving what you call ‘een koekje van eigen deeg’ – ‘a cooky from your own dough’. It is, weird. Me thinks this new boundary is going to take some getting used to. 🙂 Ghegheghe…

Today, 25th of February is my 3,5 years non drinking anniversary. That is good. With the newly found idea of me being enough I think there is a big step made. No idea what I need to do with the rest of my life workwise but that will work itself out at some point.

What keeps me going? Not sure. The realisation that every problem will get worse with alcohol is a good one for me. I think in comparison to others I think I have a highly trained dislike for alcohol. Possibly because it connects well with my rebellious thinking: this society itself as a whole is addicted and alcohol is one of its most used substances. From kids onwards we have been subconsciously and sometimes even consciously trained by our environment to think that drinking alcohol brings us something. That is not true. Some people say that is true for the first 2 drinks. Sometimes I agree, currently I am thinking: if a person is not brainwashed about alcohol they would spit out the first sip of it. That is the natural child reaction to alcohol.

I quit and then I did the online alcohol desensitization training which, well, can’t go back and undo it, but I think it was very good.

Another strong point I think is that I did it my way. I would NEVER advise this to anybody else because it is exactly the addict thing to do; diss the caretakers and think you can do it on your own. For me it worked. I am not a group person. I would be overwhelmed and as a former entrepreneur I have a very strong sense of building something from the ground up by myself. I guess that helped me.

Blogging also helped me. For various reasons, to read other peoples experiences, to realise that I was not the only one, to get support (THANK YOU ALL!!!! ❤ ❤ <3), to get things of my chest, to work through difficult issues while writing. And also to log stuff because at some point I think I might want to read it back. Sometimes I do. I find it pretty hard to read some passages, specifically the raw passages. Ha, stop, not going to hide in the darkness anymore. There is no reason to be dark now so no reason to feel dark.

Reading books about addiction helps. And about the several subjects that come hurling at you (moi!) when suddenly sober. The several free online summits on addiction or love or yoga or tapping work miracles too. It made also made me realise I am not the only one. And even though I realise that I am still isolated a lot, I also know by now that I can not change overnight. And I have learned to respect my boundaries better; if being with people does not feel good, it does not feel good. That seems to be how I ‘tick’ – crossing my own boundaries fires back at me immediately. So, well… It is what it is. Baby steps and living life on life’s terms. 😉

There are also a lot of things I have not done yet. That bothers me. Sometimes, a lot of times I feel ashamed about that. My practise since a week is not to delve deep into that shame but stop it from eating in on me and saying: you can change things if you want. You just need to start. And then I think of my February challenge where I chuck out as many items out of the house  stuff as the calendar has days. Today that is 25 things. I have been doing this ok till now. It feels silly but I am proud of myself for this.

I think that I am not sober yet, I am still in the face of un-addicting. It actually hurts to say this but I think it is true. But I also do not know if I could have been on a different path, a Feeling-wise sustainable path, if I had done it differently. A lot of help from outside people pushes me in a direction or… I take it upon myself to push me in a direction just to ‘be a good girl’. Hmm, that actually sounds like co-dependency a lot. Well, that is a subject I need to look into as well. No moaning. Baby steps. One day at the time. I am guessing this paragraph is about my fear for help: being pushed into something and agreeing because I think that is the good thing. Funny that this comes up AFTER I realise that I have the right to exist. I think it is related. This is all so NEW! 🙂

Suddenly I am afraid that it is all not so, not true, they will come and take it away. And everybody will think I am stupid and nobody will care for me. Aah, pattern. Breathe in, breathe out. Relax. It really is amazing which memories, long, long hidden pop up now. This hurts badly but I guess they need to come out and be seen. My physical heart actually hurts. I am happy that I have learned to hold space for me. 🙂 Grieving is ok, moaning is no use.

What I lost over the years is stamina. That I do not have back yet. It is like it is all invested in not drinking. Like I have become lazy ‘because I did such a big thing’. Ok, not go into moaning mode. I can work on that. I can look into this. I have learned a lot of things, maybe I can learn this too. No need to sob.

That is the NEW Feeling speaking to Feeling during the day. :-). I do this like 20 times a day whenever I feel my heart retracting from the world or my mood sinking.

Different homeopathic medicine, Schuessler medicine, vitamins, Bach remedies helped me a lot too. Even if it were to ‘not feel I had to do it all by myself’. It is pretty lonely sometimes to be alone. But on the other hand, I hope this does not offend you, but sometimes when I read people who write about their (ex) partner I think: I would not be able to be sober AND have a partner like that. Specifically when the partner keeps on drinking. So with that, for me, I am lucky. And my cat likes me better when I do not drink. She actually gets a fright when she is on my lap and I put a drop of some remedy in my water. Bach remedies are cured in alcohol. It only takes one drop to a glass or a bottle of water but that does smell like alcohol. To me it is not a problem because in my head they are categorised as medicine. While I do not eat a sauce or soup where the alcohol is boiled out because I used to eat that ‘because’ of the booze and that puts me back in addictive behaviour. But I can imagine there are people who do this the other way around: no Bach remedies because 1 drop of alcohol = 1 drop of alcohol but do eat the sauce and the soup because (officially) that has no alcohol. If done ‘wrong’ it actually still has 40% if it by the way. I do not want it for the memory and I do not want it for the risk of my body and mind panicking over ingesting alcohol.

While working I did clean my hand with alcohol because of the company requirements. Smells yuck. I wonder whether there is an uptake of that. It dries in 20 seconds but I wave my hands to have it dried before I come to the next door or something I need to touch.

Work, now there is a thing. The more I un-addict, the more I realise we are on the wrong path with this whole world and it is now or never. I do not know how to contribute without working for a company that causes damage. I did my studies in one of the most unenvironmentally sound businesses in this world, then I changed into a consumer business which was even worse. And now? My last 2 jobs have been in companies which try to make a difference. Aah, I guess it will come to me. I hope before the money fails. 🙂

Ok, again, it is time for bed. It is way past time for bed. I hope you are having a good (sober) day. 🙂

I am happy that I once made the decision to quit drinking and that I have stuck with that!

xx, Feeling

Learning to bend dark thoughts

Just to inform you and write this down for future references. Ever since the energetic healing which I wrote about in the last post, I have been practicing to bend dark thoughts. Coooooool!

It is sort of like not drinking: thought comes up, and I block and erase. Also I do not mingle in Facebook posts anymore and reduce whatever news I read. Sometimes it feels unreal and plastic fantastic. But then again: worrying is using your imagination to create situations you don’t want. So why not do other things with that energy?

Outside the house I focus on what is flowering – but that is difficult because the current flowers remind me of global warming :-(. Not sure how to not be sad about that yet. Tips are welcome.

I started painting again. I actually bought some ‘good’-er brushes at the dollar store. Just to see if I could do a little better than before. Ghegheghe…. well…. guessing there is an ego challenge. 😉 I do enjoy the painting; just colour, nothing else. Brings peace, like building sand castles; no objectives, no worries, no rules, (no knowledge which can block me) nobody looking over my shoulder, no targets, just creating. But only AFTER I did the more necessary uncluttering challenge.

I have been cleaning out rubbish from my house, as many items as the calendar counts days in February. Tomorrow I need to do 23, that is going to be difficult. I have now hit those drawers and cabinets of stuff I do not want to look at or throw away. And the numbers of things to go out keep on moving up. Still need to do 153 this month. Whoah!

I have been a doing crafts all my life and part of my life this has been my profession as well. So my house is STUFFED top to bottom (that is a weird saying?) with materials and some UFO’s (unfinished objects). Sort of like my life. 🙂 And I am intrigued with the energy projected into the future of so-called ‘possible beautiful objects I can make’. Also very much like my life. It is amazing. I store the lousiest bits of materials. I try not to move into blaming myself for this, or being ashamed. Actually, I guess I like the possibilities better than the actual thing, the actual making. Also very much like my life. 🙂 This is one of the things I hope to change one day. It takes stamina and organisation I do not have now. Not sure I ever will. I used to spell DISCIPLINE in capitals. That was before the booze kicked in. Guess that might have been a control issue too.

I fear it is a bad karma thing, if I do not deal with this getting lost in possibilities I will end up in a life again with more possibilities than results. Hmmm, here I go worrying again. Practising compassion with this critical child in me. Funny how to love myself when myself tells me that hating me is better. No wonder good intentions of other people hardly ever ‘stuck’ to me; I did not myself feel worth and worthy. Now I do. That is good. I am going to ask how the energy healers did that. It is marvellous. 🙂

Some people might wonder why I am not looking for a job after 2 months of unemployment. Well.. I am not there yet. Don’t know what and where. I am standing in this nowhere land and there is nothing to be seen. No, more like my little boat is out on the sea and there is no wind, no horizon, some clouds, nothing to worry about but neither enough to bring a change in weather either. It is not uncomfortable, but strange. I try to think of work but within me there is nothing that either moves forward or backward or has the slightest interest in anything work.

Well, guess I can only move when there is stress. :-(. Not enjoying that image. I would really think that almost 3,5 years of sobriety (minus 3 days) would help me to plan ahead a little. But NO! I guess that is only happening when you focus more on working any kind of program than I do. I do not do a program, my plan is to let things play out and keep track of what is happening. Things being ‘the addictive personality’ and its traits. I am pretty aware that a lot of my character and behaviour was formed while intoxicated. A lot of that will sort of automatically disappear with not drinking. And then things will pop up, and they do, and I’ll try to fix these untill a bigger pattern is visible. I guess the bigger pattern is that I did not feel I had the right to exist. My whole connection with me and the outside world is/was based on that.

Today I can say: I am enough.

And also: I need to practise more on me worrying less. 🙂

I am happy I like myself. I hope you are having a nice day in which you like yourself.

xx, Feeling

Afterthougth: I continued sitting on my boat, trying to feel if there was anything that could happen. A little bird landed on the boat. I love it. I want to be with it, I want it to be with me. Everything is ok now we are together. And all of a sudden I stress out, everything becomes dark inside and I become very sad because I ‘know it will die as everything and everybody does’. Amazing vanishing twin pattern even present in my daydreams.

Today I can live through this daydream and realise how it was for me in the womb, how this shaped me and I am not lost. I can see it, I can feel the pain and when I cry it gets less and not more. And that is a difference. My heart is responsive again. That is good. 🙂

Bedtime!

Feeling comfortable to be me

My last post was about darkness, I have been introduced to light and am liking it! A lot has happened since. This starts of dark but hang in there. 🙂

A while ago I was totally submerged in the horror of reliving the death of my twin brother in many aspects of the daily life. And when I finally decided not to go into that subject again because ‘no use – only painful’ I met a guy in the train who, within 5 minutes started talking about vanishing twins, dead sister, dead mother. Yup. Sigh. I really, really can’t believe my own life so now and then, but it happened.

He was connected to a Facebook group and I signed up too. The ladies who run the group call themselves ‘lightworkers’ and are into all kinds of spiritual corners which I have never visited. Subjects include Reiki, Tarot, chakras, healing with stones and all kinds of energy transfer. And even though I myself practise these or am knowledgable in some of these areas I usually do not interact with other because too much carnival and ‘Twin soul? Had one, he died, now move along.’

I was in the group for several weeks when the leading lady signed me up for a healing. They do these with several women. One sends in a recent photo and the three ladies concentrate on you and work out what is energetically awry and try to heal that. Her signing me up was a little forceful but I am happy I (reluctantly) complied. At the said time I was in front of my computer trying to see if I could notice anything going on. The lady I had chatted with was alone. Well, imagination or not, I did feel stuff. I felt somebody zooming in on me energetically, then stepping back in a sort of fright and then frantically starting to take away all the boundaries I have around me. Ha! Get to know me…: “Don’t think you can take away my boundaries like that! I’ll fight to keep my protection, even if it kills me!” 😉 Which I then realised was pretty counterproductive. Things were already set in motion and I experiences a breakdown of this layer of dirt and old memories I carry around. I wrote about this in one of my early posts where I see myself as a caddis; an underwater larvae which builds a little house for himself by glueing pieces of dirt together. I do that with bad experiences and painful memories. Well, I felt she was breaking that down. I resisted out of reflex and in this fight for power turned nauseous and started throwing up. One of those days; crying so badly my eyes bulge out, not able to breathe through my nose due to total blockage, shaking all over and hanging over the toilet for a good 10 minutes. After which….. I felt really relaxed and at peace with the world….. something with darkness before the light. 🙂

We chatted on Facebook about what had happened. Days later I got a new invite for a new healing with three ladies. The first one replied to my photo with comments about being angry – I have this resting bitch face and ha, I have anger. So yeah in reply to a “Let go, let go.” I can only say: “I was born this way. I am sorry. If I had any skills or way to not be angry, I would.” Which obviously I did not tell her. 🙂

The second lady spoke about my defences being high, heart ache and soul loss, being totally disconnected from the world. And, the theme for me being ‘detachment’. Gosh ;-).Detachment is good for the spirit, it is the path to enlightenment so they say and it is very lonely and very hard because the intention I am born with is to either attach, cling even or, in other moments; totally disconnect in a not always healthy way. She mentioned that. She mentioned me having issues with ‘being’ with taking the right to exist. I read that and all of the darkness and despair I had been trying to contain flooded over me and 2 women asked me what happened because they felt utter misery.

Again the layers around me started shaking and I could feel the pieces of dirt the cadis collected fall apart and I was ok with that. I cried, I puked, I shook and then I bathed in light and universal love like I was in heaven. 🙂 “No sense of belonging in this world.” Yup, that would be me. And then I found it. 🙂

Together they lifted the darkness and I could see that it was not all me. I could see that I attach myself to it but that I do not have to. That I can learn not to attach to misery and darkness. Sort of uncomfortable in saying that a big part of it is like addiction and can be unlearned. It was very nice to be without the weight of the darkness. I am not sure when was the last time I was like that. Possibly in an Ayahuasca session. So… good stuff 😉

During this session I found my energetic place in my heart where I dare to exist. Where I take my place in life and am ok with that, ok with me. Like they kept on saying: you have the right to be here, you are allowed to be here, you are allowed to be alive. Things look so much different from there, well, here. No whining, just doing, no condemning of me, peace. So much more energy!!!! 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ And like I did with alcohol: when dark thoughts come up I try to see where they connect to me and cut them loose. Not sure how to explain that: it is like I am a cylinder and there are all kinds of energetic things connected to me, some like wires, some like spider webs, some like dark clouds, some are close, others are far away, some are clear and others are hidden, hiding even, or i.o.w. I don’t want to be aware of them. And then I visualise cutting threads, removing spiderwebs, dissolving clouds and experiencing and cutting away all the perceived advantage I thought I had from them and then staying in the moment where I live without these energy things. Breathing. 🙂 I am whole.

I am thinking this experience of attachment to darkness and how not to attach is important. Knowing me I will forget because life comes along and basically I am lazy and do not want to do this extra step I need to take. Ooh God,  give me the strength to take care of me. To do what I know I need to do; headbutt that next bear on the path and continue fearlessly. Because I can. It is my stressed out being, my being stressed out, my spiritual misshapenness, laziness which keeps me tired and whining and whining and tired and it withholds me. A big part of me prefers to feel sorry over doing what I need to do. My bottom dog. I fear growing, I fear the stepping into nothingness but clinging to the past, to darkness left me in the dark nothingness.  I do not dare to love because ‘love’ meant sexual abuse in our family but I do not have to walk that same path. But I do not have to look back, I do not live in the past. I live now. Ha! Which now I come to realise are the exact words of my hugbuddy. 🙂

I feel comfortable being me now. I realise that this might take some training. Hmmm, pfff, don’t feel like that. I will take the being comfortable RIGHT NOW! 🙂 No more stalling! Much better decision. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤

Different subject but related: days before this all happened I had an experience which I find worthy of noting down; a friend of mine is throwing a wedding party, several years after the date and all our mutual friends had received an invite – except I. I was upset. I had not seen that coming. For days I struggled with the idea that my life was such a dark mess that I started to loose friends. I actually internally agreed that there were little benefits to quitting drinking if I did not work on the underlying causes. And because I (find that I) do not (do this enough) I still find myself in this dark mess. I agreed that there was no use in living anymore because I did not have the energy to fight another fight. And then I realised that I had based all of this on assumption. I had no clue as to why this friend would disinvite me (is that a word?). I made several up and then got in such a painful situation that I could not do anything but cut myself lose totally from all connection.

That was another one of those Feeling things: Not sure what parts of me did so, guessing a big part of it was ego; I got so suppressed, caught, locked up in the darkness that I could not deal anymore and I internally twisted, spun and broke all energetic connection to the world. It was a reflex. First thing I thought: “I have done this before.” I have done this when I was born, I have done this with some relationships, I have done this with memories I wanted to forget, I have also done this with alcohol. I was born in a funny way; like my brother I was going to come out face upward and had been stuck in the start of the birth canal for several days and during labor, and then I worked myself loose (impossible so they say) and twisted around (impossible so they say) to be projectile born into this world in 3 pushes. Screaming mad with raw survival aggression.

Ok, long story longer: I could have contacted my friend, I did not, I was feeling too low. I realised that it is initially painful but educative to learn that my friendship with her seemed more important than her friendship to me. Which is ok, things happen. A week later we see each other and I was totally ok in my disconnected world, being able to genuinely love again. And she asked me if I had received her card because they had tried a different mail service and several people had not. 😉

Different subject: I have been uncluttering my house since the first of February. I throw out (bring to the give away store) as many items as there are days in the month. Today is the 21st so I should take out 21 things. I list them all and share them in a Facebook group. It feels great. And strangely enough I can actually let go of stuff I had been hanging on for years.

I upped my Iodine intake and feel loads better. Funny enough in homeopathy Iodine is related to letting go of old trauma. Hey! 😉

It sort of sounds like I am learning to let go. 🙂 Tadaaa!

Concerning the project I have sent to the business contest: they mentioned they had not received it. I continued working on it and noticed that I need more inner rest to be able to deal with all the issues coming up. Part of the project is an online community and I realised that I get engaged into right-fighting online too easily. Tried to change that. Did not work. Maybe in the future.

The social service people just called and they want to meet me to discuss my unemployment. At one point I applied for benefits but I did not continue because feeling bad and dark and I could not deal with the pressure of having to apply for a job while not knowing where to go with my life. Also, I could attempt to apply but it would force processes and I would be lying to the employer, to the benefit people and to me. That feels like putting back layers on the onion I am trying to peel off. It did not feel good and I had no energy to set it right inside. Next week they want me to come by. I told him I was in no state to apply for jobs and hence would wave my rights. He said: “We are here to help.” I guess I could use some help. As long as it is without attachments. 😀 😉

Pffff, all that darkness. Don’t want to go there anymore. The sun has been shining for about 7 days now! Yay!!!

I have been painting. Now I don’t know what to do with my life I might as well do the things which I have always wanted. A part of the Roy Lichtenstein collection is in Amsterdam right now and some friends and I went. We are arrogant enough to claim that “we can do that too”.  Bwaahahahaa….. been trying since. And that might very well be true, after you put hours and hours and hours in it to learning how to. 🙂 REALLY. I am really handy, I can do crafts, I can do a whole lot of hand-skill creative stuff way better than most people, but painting is partially a skill and partially an art. I am DELIGHTED with doing this in my livingroom and not getting anywhere with it. This is sooo freeing. I checked out some YouTube vids and started. No need to be able to do stuff because I realise I can not. Ha! Friend of mine does not believe me, we will be painting next week for a full day. Hihihihihihi…. She so did not believe me that she is planning on buying actual canvasses to try. Looking forward to this.

Not Lichtenstein, but very appropriate however insensitive it might seem. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Not sure why. Saw a photo of me and it actually looks like I am still drinking like crazy. Wonder if that is because of the sugar (yes, fell of the sugar wagon, again…). Although directly after the 2nd healing I felt no need for it, there was nothing it could add. Maybe I should practice that feeling of wholeness till I get to the part where I feel that again.

Now I’m moving away from the screen and go do stuff. 🙂

Wishing you a wonderful hopefully sober time. ❤

xx, Feeling

 

 

 

Now running: free online addiction summit

Heya!

FYI: there is a new free online addiction summit in town. Check it out here: https://healingaddictionsummit.com/  🙂 (improved link!)

I am happy that I quit. Currently sorting stuff out off-line. Very thankful for those who replied to my former post – but I do not yet have the strength to actually confront that subject again. The good thing is though: even though I do not totally ‘agree’ with the dark voice of the demons inside…. I do feel SO MUCH lighter. This works the same as denial: once denial is ‘undenied’ (is that a word?) the healing can start. 🙂 Currently healing small parts, eating Iodine pills on which I guess I was low, waking up singing again and taking part in a ‘unclutter challenge’ for February: take 1 thing out on Feb 1, 2 things on Feb 2 etc. So cool! 🙂

I am happy that I quit, I am happy that I am on a path to at one point in life be able to call myself sober. (no not drinking, just not comfortable with the amount of socially acceptable but addictive behaviour I have.

Hope the summit brings you something. 🙂

xx, Feeling