Free tapping movie, online yoga seminar and stuff

Nick Ortner produces a movie on tapping, it is now online and free here. In the movie they teach 10 people with different backgrounds in physical and emotional pain to tap. Theory and practise are mixed. Haven’t seen the full lot yet but what I have seen was interesting.

Also in the free range: a digital yoga conference from Yoga International. Click here and then the orange button at the top of the screen.

This morning I spend trying to gain some insight in what happened that last days. I asked the I-Tjing why I got fired. The answer was hexagram 22: driven by perfectionism. Hmmm… :-/ Not exactly new :-D.

Secondly came the question ‘Could it have been prevented?’: with the answer hexagram 10: ‘You overstepped the rules.” Line 3: ‘You are ambitious but you did not pay attention to the human interactions’. That would be the story of my life. Apart from that it used to take me 3 years to decide that I should leave – not 3 days to get fired.

What now? Not sure. I woke up at 5:00 this morning with a brilliant business idea based on my former consultancy job. Having this personality, finding how difficult it is to change, even when I am sort of aware of it… I think it is a wise choice not to do this on a salary base for a while. But maybe I need more time to think things trough. Maybe I am avoiding processing this. Don’t know.

I am happy that I quit. Not feeling urges to drink. Did actually buy a Dutch magazine which is totally about alcohol. Let me know if you would like more info on that. While in line at the supermarket I in front of me was a group of boys buying a lot of beer and behind me a women with a bottle of wine and something what looked like a sad snack meal. I study my internal reactions. Different feelings flood me. It starts with recognition in a ‘it takes one to know one’ way. What follows is worry and pity but also judgement and irritation like ‘You stay away from me with your dirty addict aura and get that poison away from me.’ Yes. Sorry.

How I used to hate standing in line at the counter with my beer and see people see me. I remember and realise now that I would picture having friends over in the evening so I would project this idea outwardly. Here I was, thinking I did not lie all that much about drinking. Trying to feel the energy of shame, being with it. This is what addiction did to me. This is what I let addiction do to me when I did not listen to my feelings. The feelings of shame could have told me it was not a good road to travel but I did not stop. I pushed the shame out of my existence. Do you know that feeling? Of pushing things out of the current state of mind. Like anxiety over anything: I just push it out of reach – when I can. I guess that is one way of how I deal with denial.

I need: to get my act together and organise my life.

I want: I feel pretty stable but workwise I switch between hiding and fighting, it changes every second. I have ‘allowed’ myself to not do anything today and be sad if I needed to. Went to bed at 03:00 something last night. It’s a bad concept btw, staying up late while feeling miserable.

I take: Schuessler cell salt against a frozen shoulder. Or I guess that’s what I’ve got. Cold, cold, cold, cold but burning pain in both my shoulder caps and nasty pain when lifting the arm above shoulder level. I think I have been doing my shoulder opening exercise too much – but it could also be the frustration about not being able to give it a (my!) go at my job. I also ate some chocolate, but not actually liking it as I used to which, funny enough, is a reason to feel sorry for myself. All this Schuessler cell salt eating changes my cravings and now I don’t have them as bad but that also means that I don’t have something -from the outside!- to comfort me. It sucks to be enlightened ;-). I burn candles and incense and maybe, maybe I could pick up the idea that possibly being around people would lift me up. But it doesn’t. Don’t want to see people, need to repair inside first.

I fear: to face family and friends and tell them I’ve been fired. Aaah, tomorrow is the 1st of April. Pffff, that’s making it funny. I’m sad. I don’t want to fit out all the time. I know it is within me but I just, don’t know. Don’t have an entry to being normal.

The wind blows 110km per hour today in the Netherlands. I get the feeling that my (ex) boss is changing her mind. Let’s see if that is idle hope or truth. Future will tell. πŸ™‚

I wish you all health and prosperity and of course a beautiful sober day.

xx, Feeling

In how many ways can life suck?

Not sure in how many ways life can suck. There are others who are off worse than I am. :-(. Today my new boss called that she would not like to continue the job contract. And my bankaccount ran out of money which means that I am up to my last bit of savings which will carry me 2-3 months max.

My boss found that I had been busy too long to improve one series of samples and that this job ‘would not work’ because I am too perfectionist. The word that she was not using but ran through her language was: slow. When I explained the problem to her I realised that she had no knowledge of the problem and that she does not know the whole problem would not even have been there if she had done the prewhatever work to (my!!!) standard (s). 😦 I thought she would have picked up on that since she was cc-ed in the solution. I was at 1/3 of my normal speed due to having to work out the process, and work around issues that would normally be taken care off and also due to me not being used to the computer system they work in. But 1/3 and a good solution is ok for a first day or? She informed me that it was nothing personal and that all of the staff would have enjoyed me staying there. She really appreciated ‘fell for’ πŸ™‚ my openness. That’s a sweet thing to say. πŸ™‚

I answered that the perfectionist part is exactly what I wanted to learn and that I had more difficulty than I would have expected with having to follow a given path. After being a consultant who everybody listened to… that takes some work. :-/ I also added that I feel we had not finished learning from each other. That does sound weird but it fitted ok in the conversation. I said that I would appreciate if she would re-consider, that I thought I still some stuff to add – I referred her to my to-do list of projects that needed to be picked up to develop a work process (God…. consultancy speach). I had written these down in between as to not let me distract it from what I was doing at the moment. And that I expect to be up to speed once I get the systems and (lack off solid) procedures worked out.

NO I did not mention the ‘lack of solid’!Β  I finished with saying that I would gladly return and welcome a call to say so. Obviously she has not called (yet). Somehow I think she is still thinking about it. Would be strange though. I would demand being able to do things my way, otherwise it would not work.

Is it difficult? At the time of the conversation not because I had been expecting this. But now it is difficult.

Do we hear perfectionism and consultancy ‘solutions’ all over the place? Yes. My new definition of perfectionism: the wish / urge to gain a right to exist by solving every problem with looking for, working on the best possible solution, regardless of the consequences. Maybe not only solving every problem, seeing problems is part of it too. Falling flat on my face over this one. Bleahgh!!!

It hurts and I am scared. Doubting if I will ever be able to just fit in somewhere. I have difficulty to and be myself and fit in, had it all my life. I don’t know, I just started to believe that maybe I could fit in. I wish I had had more time to get used to her way of thinking and solve things her kind of way. I’m don’t know. It hurts. And the lamp above my head just broke. FUCK THIS!

All my friends were working so I went to see the store man. He had BrenΓ© Brown on the stand on the coffee table. :-). On perfectionism…. Sigh. Yes that place is special. I don’t know right now how to continue workwise. I am sad and I am lost.

I am however happy that I quit drinking so I do not have to feel guilty and blame me secretly. So that I can live through this. Aah fuck it. Happy that I don’t drink. Actually, actually I am also very disappointed that this happened because I have somehow connected the job to being sober. I sort of thought it was a reward for me. No, not looking for a drink because of being desillusioned. :-/

I want: for things to be easy, and a shitload of money.

I need: I guess I need to connect with people and tell somebody in real life who I am actually connected to but I can’t. I feel so sad. I can’t speak about it.

I take: well, chocolate, tea and cheese. Yes that IS awfull together. Have separeted it now.

I fear: poverty and the despair that comes with that. I fear never to be able to fit in. Be the odd one out for the rest of my life. It hurts.

Going to watch some feelgood movie here. Pat the cat who has been walking around restlessly.

Have a nice evening / day! Hope it is better than mine. πŸ˜‰

xx Feeling (sad)

Insecurity and fear though the Universe supplies

I had to do something at work yesterday and I studied the whole subject, found 3 ways that turned out to not work and then the it was end of the day. Boss was not in so I left her a mail saying that I wasn’t there yet. Now I feel insecure and I notice that all my other insecurities come popping up like a handkerchief out of the sleeve of a magic man. Tarot showed the Hanged man, which figures. 😦

I feel very insecure about myself and what I can do, while in reality I have about 5 times as much knowledge as any other in my position I still feel that I can’t do the job because I am not ‘good enough’. I guess my years of drinking and have allowed me to hide in knowledge and seeking the answer in knowledge without working on what is on the inside – work out why the base is rotten. My intuition still says: ‘Tremendous growth when you keep afloat’ but I really need to work on that. So happy it is only a 3 day job.

When I’m in a low I find it very difficult to take care of myself. I feel like I don’t deserve it and don’t even bother. Sort of ‘I’ll politely die in the corner so I won’t bother any of you.’ :-/ Not proud of this defeatism. At the beginning of getting sober I already thought that the difficulty for me is not getting sober, it is getting back into society. Well, here it is.

And here’s my alter ego Feeling and how she (moi) works through it. It’s typical ‘Feeling my way back into life’. I was lost and asked myself what I wanted and said: beautiful music. So I youtubed beautiful music and came to beautiful music for the soul and…. it started of with asking if I had confidence problems. Hell yeah! So I went to their website, read some, saw some beautiful diagrams and came up peacefully enough to realise that I could do some tapping. NEW! πŸ™‚ Did that with Brad Yates, beautiful where he says ‘Let go of all the panic now, and all the way back to the past’. That heals things. Then I continued with ‘Tapping on insecurity’ but actually moved to ‘tapping on feeling like a fraud’ because that is what I think I am professionally. Not that I am, but I always feel people might discover something I don’t know and can’t solve and ieeeeeeeh! Perfectionism, driven by fear of failure. So, did that, felt better and then moved to Facebook where somebody just posted this beautiful post on ‘Feeding your demons’ – an ancient way to speak with your demons. Said to be working against addiction and anxiety so: GIVE IT TO ME!

And in the text I learned that I need to read this – or I take these signs as such because they were speaking of ‘wants and needs’ just as I had typed up my wants an needs for today and realised again and again that in sobriety, in life, it is important to make the distinction. And so says the text. The method is from ChΓΆd and 900 years old. Still important today. πŸ™‚

It’s very important that these questions make the distinction between wants and needs, because many demons will want your life force, or everything good in your life, or to control you, but that’s not what they need.

I spoke with insecurity and she just wants to be loved.

I am happy that I quit, not quite thankful yet because I want things to be easy. And I notice that in my mind I make the difficult. Yes, I actually prefer them to be difficult so I don’t have to move where I don’t want to go. It’s like being school-sick. Aaah, that’s how I notice, I heard a woman speak about how she tried to solve things and she kept on focussing on how impossible it was. I do that too. The other day I was at the store and I say to the store man: ‘I just want things to be simple!’ And he looks at me and asks: ‘Do you really?’ Well, no, actually, I want things to be so difficult that I can’t move and others can not move too so the world stands still and I can finally catch up, or, don’t know, it’s all moving too fast. People are moving too fast and ignoring things that are important and make me feel insecure when they do that because what if it the things happened to me? So… sabotage. Still, happy that I quit otherwise I would have been walking in circles still and that’s not a good feeling. 😦

I want: things to be easy, and I’ll practise that from now on.

I need: to go to bed.

I take: brought down the Schuessler pills to 9 for bowels only. And made one for lymphatic system with some aloe vera to be put on the body after showering. These things work through the skin too. So very nice to put some uplifting stuff in there against tea bags and hanging eyelids, crow’s feet etc. It’s working here. I have this 30 something face πŸ˜‰ with the gray hair now.

And aaaah! Schuessler salt number 7 (might have another number in the USA) with Magnesium is against chocolate cravings – which works. I took 100 gram of chocolate yesterday. It’s funny, I did not even like it. More funny is that I ate it while I did not like it AND it was my favorite chocolate 1,5 week ago. So.. funny things going on there. Also, works out that magnesium deficiency makes people drink alcohol too. So no wonder we all switch to chocolate after. πŸ™‚

A google search brings me to this e-book. Gonna put it on my list! πŸ™‚ Cool, I can download a e-book reader to my iPad! πŸ™‚ Where would I be without the internet.

Still need to get past the idea that I need something from the outside to fix my inside. That part of addiction is not happening very quickly – not that I have looked at it. I’ve only noticed that I do that a lot.

I fear: that I will lose my job in no time because ‘they’ will find out that I am a fraud. 😦 Sad note to finish a post on. Maybe I should add something like: I tackle this with:….. well, currently tapping.

Hope you have a nice day/evening/night!

xx, Feeling

7 Months anniversary and sugar free-ish for a week +

Well, see header.

I’m happy that I quit. Being challenged in a new job and finding my path is way better than drinking and being depressed. On this side of The Decission it all sounds so simple. And I think the beauty of it is, is that it is. ‘Drugs are bad, mkay.’

I want: ooooooh, this is a tricky one, with writing this I notice I still want ‘the day to be over’ so I can relax. Which obviously means that I feel quite some pressure. So I need to see what that is about and how I can deal with that without running away.

I need: my brains on me and to relax and breath and trust.

I take: yogurt with muesli – and the 12 Schuessler pills which are actually milk sugar so I am not totally sugar free but I do feel the kilo’s melting off me and after a day or 4 of no sugar I started to feel like my brain is becoming more functional every day. Some of these 12 are meant to improve the take up of nutrients in the body so if that starts to work better I think I will have less craving and less ups and down and… well, wishful thinking but I am noticing improvements in the area where you do not want to be informed about in the early morning.

I fear: that I will not be able to finish the assignment for today. This is such a good addition to the list because is actually makes me look actively at what I fear. I think I start to notice that every day there is a fear that pops up and I cling to. Since I have work, it is work, if I have no work it is admin. Looks like live in fear constantly. This is not ‘feeling unsure’ it is ‘tightening of all my muscles having difficulty breathing normally’. I think the English word is anxiety but with a big whiff of fight-flight-freeze. I’m good in the freeze department. Funny how developmental issues slowly come to pop up in due time.

Have a nice day!

I feel NORMAL! With a job and with being tired at the end of the day. :-)

See header. πŸ˜€

No, I’ll write something. It was good. I am happy that I quit because now I could look at my thoughts and fears while getting to sleep, waking up, making breakfast, travelling. Otherwise I would have started the day, not wishing for it to end already but knowing that I had ‘an escape’ at the end. So I would never really get into the day.

And I am very happy with all your well wishing because I really felt ‘backed up’. As if your good thoughts and prayers have given me some extra spine. And…. I needed that; there is a big backlog and I had to make ‘production’ already. First day, full into the job. It is nice to have some experience. πŸ™‚

My boss commented on my outfit (nice) and thought I had lost some weight since she last saw me! Yeah! I guess the no-sugar diet is paying off. I do feel like I go to the toilet more than I drink so there must be some water weight there. For all the correct Americans here: these are pretty normal comments to get in the Netherlands, well at least boss women to women – specifically in the branch I work. If it would have been a guy it would have been weird too.

I am happy that I quit. See above. I would actually advise anybody to quit if you haven’t already. πŸ™‚ Ooh, my boss is moderating now. Did we speak about it? Yeah, well, not on me having to quit. I said it was just a diet thing and that I was slowly taking all empty calories out to see where I end up. And when speaking of empty calories and health, obviously alcohol is at the top of the list. Do I feel bad about not telling the truth. Nope. I am surprised that I can though. And not. Because I AM happy that I do not drink alcohol anymore. And I am happy about it and that is the emotion that carries across, not the shame I used to feel when I just quit. One of the persons at the intake said ‘You feel a lot of shame now, once you are sober for a while you will see that this too is caused by the alcohol and by using.’ I did not believe him then, I still thought AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL my feelings were true and unavoidable. Turns out he was right. πŸ™‚

I want: to eat and sleep.

I need: to make some dinner and sleep.

I take: I guess I’ll take some Schuessler pills later when I feel like it and my Bach remedy.

Have a good night / evening / day/ morning!

xx, Feeling

Prepping for my new job

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit because otherwise I would not be sitting here being excited about my new job which starts tomorrow. Currently preparing, working through some YouTube movies on basics of the new operating systems I’m going to have to work with and some new user applications. So again, very happy that I quit. I thank my former self of 6 months and 28 or 29 days ago for quitting!

I want: to do 10.001 things and still have time to do another 10.001 today. Good that I say that because that will not work and I need to make sure that I do things that do work otherwise I feel bad. So… shorten the to do list.

In need: to go out and buy some new clothes. Brrrr…… Maybe if I change how I feel about it, it will not be that bad? Hmmm…

I take: Bach remedies that help me focus and sleep well and again all the 12 Schuessler salts. I am actually still sugar ‘free’ apart from the Schuessler pills which are made from milk sugar.

I fear: I fear that my bank account is almost empty and when I buy new clothes it will say ‘no money’. In the Netherlands people hardly use credit cards because we know that is only making the problem worse. I guess I can check this before I go and get some savings. Hmmm… This probably looks VERY simple to you but for me it is a nightmare to even check. It confronts me with all the things I failed at. So maybe I should come to terms with the things I failed at. Go where the fear is, this is where the learning opportunities are. Hmmm…. that is hmmm pronounced as ‘Aaaargh!!!’

I am hoping you are having a lovely time enjoying your sobriety or soberly working through issues and enjoying the fact that you are now doing that instead of drinking. In any case I wish you a nice time. I am happy that you freed yourself of the chains of addiction. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Bach remedies

Yeah! I did a shitload today. I was totally inspired by my own post of yesterday ;-). So, quote-o-sophy has helped me here.

First I finally made some Bach remedies again, these are naturopathic drops of plants and trees which influence several parts of your (my!) body’s energy. If you want to look stuff up you can search the net for all kinds of info. I like these charts:

simple list in colour, by subject and mentioning positive effects in 1 word

simple list, black and white, other wordings, no positive effects listed

There are several books about the subject too (haha, of course…. books….). I read them all cover to cover and back and finally end up using the internet charts. And there are other types of remedies like the Australian and the Californian. They say the remedies work best in the part of the world they come from. And other brands but I got started when there were only Bach Remedies so I deal with those.

There are in total 38 or so remedies but I’ve listed a few here that I think can be specifically helpful for addiction, well, AGAINST addiction:

Agrimony: to not hide real feelings behind substances, for those who were the partygirl and all the others πŸ˜‰ who are addicted to anything. From smoking to nail biting to meth – this remedy deals with the addict within. If you can’t work out why you can’t stop with some behaviour this might be the one. Inner restlessness drives you to use/drink. Not being able to live, feel, in the now.

Aspen: when you are caught in fight-flight-freeze due to bad experiences, can’t move when scared. Also for those who had bad trips. Watch out, it is my personal experience that it can bring up memories of original trauma’s. But it heals, it heals.

Beech: being judgemental and inflexible. For those like me who go around blogs telling others ‘they are doing something wrong’.

Cherry Plum: feeling like a time-bomb. Connected with feelings of suicide. Do not take without sufficient support.

Chestnud bud: break repetitive patterns of addiction, break patterns in general, tends to not learn from experiences.

Chicory: works on the liver (yeah!). Afraid to lose friends, picking up illnesses or ‘poor me behaviour’ in order to get attention.

Crab Apple: to help you feel clean again, inside and outside. Expect spontaneous outbursts of cleaning and chucking stuff out.

Honeysuckle: romantically longing for your drinking / using days

Impatience: as the names says. On being in the now. For people who are quicker in everything than others. Can help with bringing up kids too.

Mimulus: when you fear everything that can be named, spiders, people, cancer, well, you name it. πŸ˜‰

Pine: on quilt and wishing you were never born because guilt / parents / religion / you yourself tell(s) you you are not good enough.Hornbeam: for feeling every day is a Monday. About procrastinating (I guess I’ll take it tomorrow then…)

Rock rose: for acute fear and panic, fight-flight-freeze in the now. Often for those who have used / been addicted.

Rock water: Dealing with perfectionism. Hmmm, that’s why I have not been taking this one. Ever. I do do some avoiding of experiences…Larch: self confidence in a bottle, but different now.

Sweet Chestnut: about mourning and the ‘dark night of the soul’, feeling like you have reached rock-bottom but not seeing the light yet. Deals with the aspect of having faith when down and out.

Star of Bethlehem: my all times favorite, on dealing with small and big trauma’s from the past and in the now. Very helpful also with kids and after giving birth for both mom and baby and dad possibly.

Walnut: for facilitating transition periods and finally making decisions. For those who are ok with decision-making normally but due to changing circumstances have troubles now. Also on letting go of the old love / bad habit.

White Chestnut: to stop thoughts from running through your head, keeping you awake.

Wild oat: for not finding your destiny, for feeling like a boat without a harbour.

Willow: to soften and deal with resentment

WARNING: These remedies are preserved in alcohol.

This does not bother me because I know, well, can’t look into the future but I assume that the smell or taste of these alcohol drops will not make me drink. You of course have to decide that for yourself. I did 10-15 drops in a liter of water and took 5 sips of this during the day and I keep on filling up the bottle with water. I can taste alcohol but it does not bother me. If you do not trust yourself with the Bach remedy bottles in the house but are curious you could try a Bach remedy consultant who could, at request, most probably dilute it and let it air for a long time before you get yours. Or maybe mask the taste? Not sure how. Don’t take them with coffee or so.

By the way: if you are in and out of drinking this could actually be of help, I mean, those few drops are not going to make a difference than are they?

My personal experience with Bach remedies is that they seem to clear energetic blockages, specific thoughts just disappear or become unimportant because I get an insight that changes the whole way of looking at it. However, it are not miracle medicine, they do a whole lot but if you work with them in actively scrutinizing your behaviour things go way easier. Like with me today. I added Hornbeam (procrastinating) to my mix and I actually started project 1. Worked on it for 3 hours and was content. I also noticed that I could just focus for 3 hours. I thought I had lost that. Happy it is back. πŸ™‚ Will be needing it this Tuesday when the job starts. :-).

I am happy that I quit. And proud of what I did today. Progress. I think I’ll make the ‘One year from now you will be happy that you have started today.’ quote with me for a while.

I want: the day to have many more hours.

I need: to continue taking care of me. I’m starting to think that I might actually be pretty ok.

My fear of today: how to deal when on the new job and admin not done and bills piling up.

Also on facing fear: Today I pulled the Fear card from the Tarot AGAIN! But this was one in a series of 8, but still, I keep on repeating cards so I’m not done developing yet :-). The message of the card is that one can look at fear as an indication where there can be growth. And I’m starting to like that concept and it is sort of settling in as something that, in the future, might, possibly be a tool which could be considered to be tried if in dire need of something and only in those cases when all other options and variations of denial have proven to be useless after several fruitless attempts.

I hope you enjoyed the post. πŸ™‚

Have a nice new sober (or hopefully sober or clean for some of us) week!

xx, Feeling