A hero with a thousand faces

Just found ‘The hero’s journey’ an interview with Joseph Campbell in a second hand store. And then this beautiful vid came along on Facebook. I think you will recognise yourself in it. Enjoy! I have not read ‘The hero with a 1000 faces.’ but I’m going to put it on my list. πŸ™‚ Maybe we could do an online book club? That would be cool? I am happy that I quit. Been working hard these days so I tend to forget about it which is NICE. I fear: pffff, my blood pressure but I am determined to fix it again and again until I’ve figured out what (not) to do. I want: things to be simple but working on not finding them as hard. As I once said: growth and learning opportunities are there where it feels uncomfortable…. well, seems that the hero must indeed enter the cave that she fears. I need: to continue to keep my working schedule, 3-4 hours job applications, 2 hours website and building material for contacting businesses. 1 Hour firm walk or exercise. During the ‘job’ I have done the other 2,5 days I have hurt some muscles in my arms, when I got really frustrated with not able to do something that in my opinion really needed improvement. That’s a problem with keeping outer cool, the energy immediately fires backwards, inside so my muscles froze and the next movement I made something teared or whatever. GP says it’s a muscle knot. It hurts and I dislike it and no, I would not hire me for a standard job either, too much hassle with funny issues. Grrrrrrr… Well, this too shall pass. I take: some Schuessler salts on high blood pressure and Bach remedy on panic. Thank you all for reading my post, commenting, supporting me. I am happy for that. Remembering that about a year ago my journey into sobriety began with realising that things had to change. I knew moderation was not an option so (?) I continued to drink and see what would come up. What came up 1,5 months later was a guy driving me off my bike at a pedestrian crossing. And I realised that my hatred for myself had become so big that it I invited other people to become aggressive towards me. 12 Months later, I’m not ‘there’ yet. But I’m sort of learning to be here now and that is a better option. πŸ™‚ Have a nice day / evening! xx, Feeling

Online seminar on spiritual awakening


FYI a new online seminar on spiritual awakening including 30 speakers on the subject. Organised by Sounds True. Hope you enjoy!

I am happy that I quit. Things are difficult but new insights on giving away control and taking it back are refreshing.

I fear: same shit, that I don’t get my act together before money runs out. Maybe I should move before I get my act together, maybe sort of ‘secretly’ waiting for that is not productive.

I want: to get organised, to work this out, be done with it.

I need: to act.

I take: Schuessler salts on high bloodpressure.

xx, Feeling


Beautiful post from Phoenix,

‘When you are traumatized, you lose control of your life.’

I guess that is the root of it, the continuous fear, the always expecting something dark to turn up. Phoenix, thank you for your article. ❀ I need to understand before things can change in me. Funny that I now realise that I am re-living the losing control every second in my own financial situation and trying to but not really really acting upon it.

Thank you.

xx, Feeling

Shadow. Ash. Spirit. Flame.

Korra Katara Healing 2

Katara: I can help guide your healing process, but whether you get better or not is up to you. I know what it’s like to go through a traumatic experience. And I promise you, if you dedicate yourself to getting better, you’ll recover, stronger than ever.Β The mind can be a powerful ally, or your greatest enemy.

Korra:Β I am trying to understand why this happened to me, but nothing makes any sense! I’m tired, Katara. I’m so tired.

Katara: Korra, I know you feel alone right now. But you’re not the first Avatar who’s had to overcome great suffering. Can you imagine how much pain Aang felt when he learned that his entire culture was taken from him? But he never let it destroy his spirit.Β He chose to find meaning in his suffering and eventually … found peace.

Korra: And … what am I going to find if I get…

View original post 1,085 more words

8 Months

After this nights sleep I will be officially 8 months sober. I’m thinking that is quite cool. I don’t feel like the whole list with physical thingies, possibly because my blood pressure was up again. But I do feel it is going better now. I’ve lost another 3 – 4 pounds since the last time which is good πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. I do feel that my motivation is a bit weaning (is that the right word?). Possibly because I’ve read about other diehards drinking again and getting back on the sober horse as if it is no problem. I notice I have a LOT of energy stuck around the lapse-relapse-collapse theory. I’m guessing how I deal with it compares to how I dealt with my fathers apocalypse theories: believe it, become absolutely frightened and then fight it like there is no tomorrow. Which is a funny way of putting it. :-/ No pun intended. It actually goes to show how caught up I was. Shit, aren’t parents there to help you build a future? Not there to break it down in front of you telling the most horrible stories about all the wars, pain and misery that will befall upon us when we do not ‘behave’.

Hmmm, dark tendencies coming up again. Wonder why?

Well, I’m happy that I quit if it were only for the fact that I would not have been able to deal with me if I had not. Not that I’m dealing now but the difference from when I drank and now is rather big. I don’t think I would have been alive if I had not quit. So I guess I do somewhere care about me. I am learning that I can care, and can be at peace when I let go of the guilt and shame. It is hard. But I practise in secret so nobody can berate me. ;-). Yes that sounds a bit strange but it is a tactic that actually works. Guess a psychiatrist could make up a real nice story about this and add another of the DSM thingies to my list but I don’t care. I practise thoughts, feelings, in the safety of my home. Experiment Feeling. I think I can let go guilt and shame free for about 3 seconds now (NEW!!). That is 3 seconds not berating myself over something and not feeling something dark at the horizon or being in a state where I might focus on something but know that if I don’t there will be this shadow falling trying to smother me. No, I’m not depressed, this is my description of life. Since it is a rather gloomy description I am looking to change my ways. πŸ™‚

Sometimes I think it is like keeping on buying houses with black walls because they are so familiar and then saying ‘how come I experience all these dark colours?’.

Yeah, there is another subject that has been big lately: now that shame and guilt are lifting a little there is this new feeling of ‘responsibility’ building. NEW!!! Not sure if it is just another way of me to trick me into being guilty or that it is a sensible way of dealing. I keep on having the feeling that I tend to look for darkness and therefore will meet darkness. Which in itself could be called a very new-agy way of attributing guilt but also….. if feels true. And it rocks my boat. The new thought is more along the way of:

In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.
It’s a difficult one. I’ll tell you my dilemma. In my life I have been sexually harassed quite often. Can’t even count them on my fingers and toes together, mostly by all different guys and men. But in some of the cases it was I who brought a sexual tone to the conversation.
Bearing in mind that it is the nature of girls to flirt just as it is in the nature of boys to show off and flex their muscles…. Bearing in mind that within this culture it is decided that the flirting girl as a slut and the guy is not even looked at because he just is. Which only states that the whole definition of righteous behaviour is based on masculinity. Worse, in itself that defines feminity as unsavory and masculinity as the unseen standard we all need to abide by.
Having said all of that: looking back I think there were cases where I could not have been forcibly kissed and fondled if I had behaved less flirtatious. Then again, I don’t go harassing a guy because he flexes his muscles and shows off. So the harassing part is based on ‘them’ being ‘able’ to harrass and wanting to. Say if I were a sport school girl with a black belt in anything and a bad rep for using that, they would have taken care. So it was also possible because the opportunity that they would get away with forcing themselves was there.
Back to the beginning, if I had not flirted, some things would not have happened. Does that make me guilty? Did I invite them? No. Never. But they felt invited because they did not understand what I was saying. And when I refused there was nothing in them that went ‘Ooh shit I misunderstood, better say sorry!’ No, it was like: ‘You give me what I want now! No, I don’t care that you don’t like me!’.
One of the things I wonder about is: was this naievety from my side? I also remember a specific urge to proof that not the whole world was bad. (doing the same thing expecting different results?). I wanted to feel safe and needed to prove that I could be without having to change my behaviour. Had something to do with ‘being right’ and ‘wanting to change the world’. I remember my parents coming at it over one occasion and they could not back away from the ‘Yes, well….. of course he should not have done it but you need to look at your own behaviour!’ I guess a lot went wrong in that conversation. So much that I can’t really look at it now, my brain stops.
Well, these are my unfinished thoughts on the feeling of responsibility that comes when guilt and shame seem to lift. I guess it’s a trade off. As so much. I eat healthier now. This also means that I get nauseous quicker when I eat something unhealthy. Just as it is supposed to be, but I’m not sure I’m happy because it feels like I am not ready to give up some of my vices yet.
Ooh, new thing: I used to shop my groceries and look at an article and ‘feel into it’ to see if I was ‘into it’. Now I feel into it and extend my feeling to ‘how will I feel after eating that?’ It’s NEW!!! πŸ™‚ I am guessing it is how we were designed to deal with eating but I never would have thought to stretch my feeling into the future and based on that build a response.That is something I am not very good at. I guess it is has to do with the addictive personality, the only living for the quick fix regardless of the consequences. Hmmm, I spot a not wanting to take responsibility for my actions too. Hmmm, that is strong. Hmmm, I can only do what I want. I have very much difficulty doing what I don’t want. Funny, the Tarot reader said that the other day, did not know it stretched this far. Hmmm…. not handy in business. Let’s see.
By now it is way past my bed time. Hope you have enjoyed my post with yet another thought process that has not been finished. Actually I am a bit scared as to what you will think or say about the flirting yes or no. Guessing it is still a touchy subject and today again I am happy that I have no kids because I would not have known how to deal and I would not have wanted to put the same stress and anxiety on them as I had to deal with.
My cat drank from my Bach-remedy glass with anti-anxiety drops. Ghegheghe, she went outside and when she came back she was irritated that I had not opened the door before instead of being fearfull and looking ashamed that I left her waiting as she used to be. Mind you, it is 4 long stairs to go get her… Can cats look ashamed? Yes they can.
Bed time. Hope you have a good weekend!
xx, Feeling

Why don’t we get addicted to the healthy stuff?

Sometimes it is nice to approach a problem from a totally different perspective. So not: ‘why did I get addicted to alcohol’ but ‘why did I not get addicted to veggies’. I’m thinking because addiction in itself is not a natural state of being. Animals that live in the wild in their natural territory do not get addicted and do not get depressed. I’m taking some large steps here and adding: I think we would have recognised alcohol as ‘not good’ if we were not already lacking something and experiencing ‘holes’ in our soul. And, I guess that we have already set been on a path of addiction by our high refined sugar consumption. I am pretty convinced that sugar is our first addiction. Have you tried quitting? It’s harder than cigarets and alcohol combined – for me. I did it once in my life, no problem, second time around now I’m pffffff, hopeless. And possibly less motivated ‘because I’ve just done alcohol’. True, but still, I’ve been roaming the house looking for something to eat because I did not buy chocolate today. I have, after I quit alcohol never ever walked trough the house hoping I had forgotten something somewhere. It is a strange experience.

Also, I guess addiction to alcohol could only happen after we had changed from nomads to settlers. Pffff, can’t imagine walking on the prairy with all that beer on my back so I guess that’s how it is.

Actually I don’t feel like thinking about this so I’ll just continue with my usual self check. πŸ™‚ Do you have self checks?

I fear: pfffffff, money issues, work, all of that. However I found the correct Schuessler salt for my blood pressure and I think I can feel it dropping by the minute. That would be great. πŸ™‚ And I would need to consider how to continue with that because taking these salts to keep it low would be strange. I really need to lose weight and get more active and have less money stress.

I want: to win a million and then I will finally write that book on the technical side of my work that I have not been wanting to write for so many years. I guess I have to do it without the million. I’m currently updating my old website with a blog where I add technical knowledge that is not in books anywhere. Just for fun. They say: When you are looking for a profession, do that what you are doing when procrastinating. πŸ™‚ In 2 weeks I hope to have achieved enough to be able to send my old contacts a ‘Hi I’m back mail’. Let’s see.

I need: to keep moving and applying for jobs and developing my business skills again (soon)

I take: Schuessler salt for high blood pressure, Bach remedies for everything and everything. Which would mean that I would actually need the Wild Oat. But that one somehow never seems to work with me. Or maybe I am expecting too much: this beautifuly smooth road to my destination. Maybe that is not how it works. Hmmm. I wish my mom was still alive. I never thought my drinking was THAT bad, but obviously it was because there are sober parts in me that are not aware of her being dead. It was bad, I never knew it was that bad. Have been in denial about that too. 😦 Grrrrrrrr… And now I have to work through what I did not do when drinking. :-/ I’m miserable, but maybe that is what I should not be. Maybe I should be happy about that to. That I get to learn things. Ha… I’m doing the difficult part of the learning again. And being disappointed about being fired and high blood pressure does not make it easier. I had forgotten about the ‘I am happy that I quit’… That’s weird.

I am happy that I quit. In a sort of tired of it all happy kind of way, not feeling like drinking but indeed tired of having to take care so much. Guess I need to do my desensitation training again and more often so there are no internal reflexes at seeing an empty beer can on the pavement. Not that I want to drink then but internally there is still a thing that walks the path to …. heeeeee, yeah, lets chill mate….. Very important not to let that thought settle in the brain where there is the response of ‘Yeah, I’d like to hang….’

So much unfocussed thoughts for today. I’m off to bed. Walked an hour today with my unemployed neighbour, we are planning to do that more often. Let’s see.

Hope you have a nice day / evening. Sober love to the world! ❀

xx, Feelin

How to reverse a fatty liver and applying for a job

Here’s a vid from one of my favorite nutrition people on the net: Eric Berg. It’s on healing fatty livers. Not saying you have one ;-), just in case.


I’m not a doctor or anything so I can’t judge what he says but to me he makes sense.

I have made a tiny Plan for these days. Hoping to get me back on track and earning money. I have asked two girlfriends to ‘monitor’ me and they also support me with nice things and advice. How cool. πŸ™‚ So I just send out a new letter of application. Exciting!

I am happy that I quit – be it that I have some difficulty with accepting that I can’t drink anymore. Yes, where other people have that at the beginning, I have that now. I suddenly get this ‘party pooper complex’. Must have to do with Queensday (well Kingsday since last year). And I figured that with getting fired and my blood pressure up I felt like I had not made a lot of progress in these last 7 something months. So…. plan is to make progress otherwise I endanger my sobriety. So. PROGRESS it is. Going nicely. I enquired after a post that has been open for more than 2 months now and it is a maternity cover so…. I gues there’s some haste? They stressed me to please apply which is always good :-). Hope I can meet their high demands. Had to update my CV to English again. So that’s what I did today and yesterday.

I fear: that I’m not seeing reality and that money runs out quicker than I can handle. However staying in that fear only suffocates me. Not sure how to deal. Really, really looking at it and saying: these are the bills I need to pay and this is what I have – how long will it last is not an option yet. Although I just came up with this idea so there must be something of an opening there. It requires tapping and Bach and possibly external help and chocolate, maybe even sushi to get me there. Not doing that because I am an ostrich.

I want: things to be easy, and if not, they must at least be fun.

I need: to get a grip and walk the tight rope when it comes to stimulating me to do stuff and on the other hand not berate and punish myself. Actually I when translating my CV I’m get very excited about the things I know and have done. So that is good. πŸ™‚

I take: Schuesler salts on high blood pressure. beginning to notice that some of my lovely herb teas make my blood pressure rise too. That’s frustrating, what is left but water if you don’t want caffeine, sugar or alcohol or OD on milk.

I’m going out for my daily hour of walking. Hope you have a nice day / evening.

xx, Feeling