Spiritual girl

If you haven’t laughed today you should watch this. Whatever, watch it :-). LOL

The tapping! And the ‘I did not see the light’ and whaaaahahaaaa. ROFL…..

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

I am happy I saw the light :-D.

A hero with a thousand faces

Just found ‘The hero’s journey’ an interview with Joseph Campbell in a second hand store. And then this beautiful vid came along on Facebook. I think you will recognise yourself in it. Enjoy! I have not read ‘The hero with a 1000 faces.’ but I’m going to put it on my list. 🙂 Maybe we could do an online book club? That would be cool? I am happy that I quit. Been working hard these days so I tend to forget about it which is NICE. I fear: pffff, my blood pressure but I am determined to fix it again and again until I’ve figured out what (not) to do. I want: things to be simple but working on not finding them as hard. As I once said: growth and learning opportunities are there where it feels uncomfortable…. well, seems that the hero must indeed enter the cave that she fears. I need: to continue to keep my working schedule, 3-4 hours job applications, 2 hours website and building material for contacting businesses. 1 Hour firm walk or exercise. During the ‘job’ I have done the other 2,5 days I have hurt some muscles in my arms, when I got really frustrated with not able to do something that in my opinion really needed improvement. That’s a problem with keeping outer cool, the energy immediately fires backwards, inside so my muscles froze and the next movement I made something teared or whatever. GP says it’s a muscle knot. It hurts and I dislike it and no, I would not hire me for a standard job either, too much hassle with funny issues. Grrrrrrr… Well, this too shall pass. I take: some Schuessler salts on high blood pressure and Bach remedy on panic. Thank you all for reading my post, commenting, supporting me. I am happy for that. Remembering that about a year ago my journey into sobriety began with realising that things had to change. I knew moderation was not an option so (?) I continued to drink and see what would come up. What came up 1,5 months later was a guy driving me off my bike at a pedestrian crossing. And I realised that my hatred for myself had become so big that it I invited other people to become aggressive towards me. 12 Months later, I’m not ‘there’ yet. But I’m sort of learning to be here now and that is a better option. 🙂 Have a nice day / evening! xx, Feeling

Online seminar on spiritual awakening

Hi,

FYI a new online seminar on spiritual awakening including 30 speakers on the subject. Organised by Sounds True. Hope you enjoy!

I am happy that I quit. Things are difficult but new insights on giving away control and taking it back are refreshing.

I fear: same shit, that I don’t get my act together before money runs out. Maybe I should move before I get my act together, maybe sort of ‘secretly’ waiting for that is not productive.

I want: to get organised, to work this out, be done with it.

I need: to act.

I take: Schuessler salts on high bloodpressure.

xx, Feeling

Trauma

Beautiful post from Phoenix,

‘When you are traumatized, you lose control of your life.’

I guess that is the root of it, the continuous fear, the always expecting something dark to turn up. Phoenix, thank you for your article. ❤ I need to understand before things can change in me. Funny that I now realise that I am re-living the losing control every second in my own financial situation and trying to but not really really acting upon it.

Thank you.

xx, Feeling

Shadow. Ash. Spirit. Flame.

Katara: I can help guide your healing process, but whether you get better or not is up to you. I know what it’s like to go through a traumatic experience. And I promise you, if you dedicate yourself to getting better, you’ll recover, stronger than ever. The mind can be a powerful ally, or your greatest enemy.

Korra: I am trying to understand why this happened to me, but nothing makes any sense! I’m tired, Katara. I’m so tired.

Katara: Korra, I know you feel alone right now. But you’re not the first Avatar who’s had to overcome great suffering. Can you imagine how much pain Aang felt when he learned that his entire culture was taken from him? But he never let it destroy his spirit. He chose to find meaning in his suffering and eventually … found peace.

Korra: And … what am I going to find if I get…

View original post 1,085 more words

8 Months

After this nights sleep I will be officially 8 months sober. I’m thinking that is quite cool. I don’t feel like the whole list with physical thingies, possibly because my blood pressure was up again. But I do feel it is going better now. I’ve lost another 3 – 4 pounds since the last time which is good 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I do feel that my motivation is a bit weaning (is that the right word?). Possibly because I’ve read about other diehards drinking again and getting back on the sober horse as if it is no problem. I notice I have a LOT of energy stuck around the lapse-relapse-collapse theory. I’m guessing how I deal with it compares to how I dealt with my fathers apocalypse theories: believe it, become absolutely frightened and then fight it like there is no tomorrow. Which is a funny way of putting it. No pun intended. It actually goes to show how caught up I was. Shit, aren’t parents there to help you build a future? Not there to break it down in front of you telling the most horrible stories about all the wars, pain and misery that will befall upon us when we do not ‘behave’.

Hmmm, dark tendencies coming up again. Wonder why?

Well, I’m happy that I quit if it were only for the fact that I would not have been able to deal with me if I had not. Not that I’m dealing now but the difference from when I drank and now is rather big. I don’t think I would have been alive if I had not quit. So I guess I do somewhere care about me. I am learning that I can care, and can be at peace when I let go of the guilt and shame. It is hard. But I practise in secret so nobody can berate me. ;-). Yes that sounds a bit strange but it is a tactic that actually works. Guess a psychiatrist could make up a real nice story about this and add another of the DSM thingies to my list but I don’t care. I practise thoughts, feelings, in the safety of my home. Experiment Feeling. I think I can let go guilt and shame free for about 3 seconds now (NEW!!). That is 3 seconds not berating myself over something and not feeling something dark at the horizon or being in a state where I might focus on something but know that if I don’t there will be this shadow falling trying to smother me. No, I’m not depressed, this is my description of life. Since it is a rather gloomy description I am looking to change my ways. 🙂

Sometimes I think it is like keeping on buying houses with black walls because they are so familiar and then saying ‘how come I experience all these dark colours?’.

Yeah, there is another subject that has been big lately: now that shame and guilt are lifting a little there is this new feeling of ‘responsibility’ building. NEW!!! Not sure if it is just another way of me to trick me into being guilty or that it is a sensible way of dealing. I keep on having the feeling that I tend to look for darkness and therefore will meet darkness. Which in itself could be called a very new-agy way of attributing guilt but also….. if feels true. And it rocks my boat. The new thought is more along the way of:

In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.

It’s a difficult one. I’ll tell you my dilemma. In my life I have been sexually harassed quite often. Can’t even count them on my fingers and toes together, mostly by all different guys and men. But in some of the cases it was I who brought a sexual tone to the conversation.

Bearing in mind that it is the nature of girls to flirt just as it is in the nature of boys to show off and flex their muscles…. Bearing in mind that within this culture it is decided that the flirting girl as a slut and the guy is not even looked at because he just is. Which only states that the whole definition of righteous behaviour is based on masculinity. Worse, in itself that defines feminity as unsavory and masculinity as the unseen standard we all need to abide by.

Having said all of that: looking back I think there were cases where I could not have been forcibly kissed and fondled if I had behaved less flirtatious. Then again, I don’t go harassing a guy because he flexes his muscles and shows off. So the harassing part is based on ‘them’ being ‘able’ to harrass and wanting to. Say if I were a sport school girl with a black belt in anything and a bad rep for using that, they would have taken care. So it was also possible because the opportunity that they would get away with forcing themselves was there.

Back to the beginning, if I had not flirted, some things would not have happened. Does that make me guilty? Did I invite them? No. Never. But they felt invited because they did not understand what I was saying. And when I refused there was nothing in them that went ‘Ooh shit I misunderstood, better say sorry!’ No, it was like: ‘You give me what I want now! No, I don’t care that you don’t like me!’.

One of the things I wonder about is: was this naievety from my side? I also remember a specific urge to proof that not the whole world was bad. (doing the same thing expecting different results?). I wanted to feel safe and needed to prove that I could be without having to change my behaviour. Had something to do with ‘being right’ and ‘wanting to change the world’. I remember my parents coming at it over one occasion and they could not back away from the ‘Yes, well….. of course he should not have done it but you need to look at your own behaviour!’ I guess a lot went wrong in that conversation. So much that I can’t really look at it now, my brain stops.

Well, these are my unfinished thoughts on the feeling of responsibility that comes when guilt and shame seem to lift. I guess it’s a trade off. As so much. I eat healthier now. This also means that I get nauseous quicker when I eat something unhealthy. Just as it is supposed to be, but I’m not sure I’m happy because it feels like I am not ready to give up some of my vices yet.

Ooh, new thing: I used to shop my groceries and look at an article and ‘feel into it’ to see if I was ‘into it’. Now I feel into it and extend my feeling to ‘how will I feel after eating that?’ It’s NEW!!! 🙂 I am guessing it is how we were designed to deal with eating but I never would have thought to stretch my feeling into the future and based on that build a response.That is something I am not very good at. I guess it is has to do with the addictive personality, the only living for the quick fix regardless of the consequences. Hmmm, I spot a not wanting to take responsibility for my actions too. Hmmm, that is strong. Hmmm, I can only do what I want. I have very much difficulty doing what I don’t want. Funny, the Tarot reader said that the other day, did not know it stretched this far. Hmmm…. not handy in business. Let’s see.

By now it is way past my bed time. Hope you have enjoyed my post with yet another thought process that has not been finished. Actually I am a bit scared as to what you will think or say about the flirting yes or no. Guessing it is still a touchy subject and today again I am happy that I have no kids because I would not have known how to deal and I would not have wanted to put the same stress and anxiety on them as I had to deal with.

My cat drank from my Bach-remedy glass with anti-anxiety drops. Ghegheghe, she went outside and when she came back she was irritated that I had not opened the door before instead of being fearfull and looking ashamed that I left her waiting as she used to be. Mind you, it is 4 long stairs to go get her… Can cats look ashamed? Yes they can.

Bed time. Hope you have a good weekend!

xx, Feeling

Why don’t we get addicted to the healthy stuff?

Sometimes it is nice to approach a problem from a totally different perspective. So not: ‘why did I get addicted to alcohol’ but ‘why did I not get addicted to veggies’. I’m thinking because addiction in itself is not a natural state of being. Animals that live in the wild in their natural territory do not get addicted and do not get depressed. I’m taking some large steps here and adding: I think we would have recognised alcohol as ‘not good’ if we were not already lacking something and experiencing ‘holes’ in our soul. And, I guess that we have already set been on a path of addiction by our high refined sugar consumption. I am pretty convinced that sugar is our first addiction. Have you tried quitting? It’s harder than cigarets and alcohol combined – for me. I did it once in my life, no problem, second time around now I’m pffffff, hopeless. And possibly less motivated ‘because I’ve just done alcohol’. True, but still, I’ve been roaming the house looking for something to eat because I did not buy chocolate today. I have, after I quit alcohol never ever walked trough the house hoping I had forgotten something somewhere. It is a strange experience.

Also, I guess addiction to alcohol could only happen after we had changed from nomads to settlers. Pffff, can’t imagine walking on the prairy with all that beer on my back so I guess that’s how it is.

Actually I don’t feel like thinking about this so I’ll just continue with my usual self check. 🙂 Do you have self checks?

I fear: pfffffff, money issues, work, all of that. However I found the correct Schuessler salt for my blood pressure and I think I can feel it dropping by the minute. That would be great. 🙂 And I would need to consider how to continue with that because taking these salts to keep it low would be strange. I really need to lose weight and get more active and have less money stress.

I want: to win a million and then I will finally write that book on the technical side of my work that I have not been wanting to write for so many years. I guess I have to do it without the million. I’m currently updating my old website with a blog where I add technical knowledge that is not in books anywhere. Just for fun. They say: When you are looking for a profession, do that what you are doing when procrastinating. 🙂 In 2 weeks I hope to have achieved enough to be able to send my old contacts a ‘Hi I’m back mail’. Let’s see.

I need: to keep moving and applying for jobs and developing my business skills again (soon)

I take: Schuessler salt for high blood pressure, Bach remedies for everything and everything. Which would mean that I would actually need the Wild Oat. But that one somehow never seems to work with me. Or maybe I am expecting too much: this beautifuly smooth road to my destination. Maybe that is not how it works. Hmmm. I wish my mom was still alive. I never thought my drinking was THAT bad, but obviously it was because there are sober parts in me that are not aware of her being dead. It was bad, I never knew it was that bad. Have been in denial about that too. 😦 Grrrrrrrr… And now I have to work through what I did not do when drinking. I’m miserable, but maybe that is what I should not be. Maybe I should be happy about that to. That I get to learn things. Ha… I’m doing the difficult part of the learning again. And being disappointed about being fired and high blood pressure does not make it easier. I had forgotten about the ‘I am happy that I quit’… That’s weird.

I am happy that I quit. In a sort of tired of it all happy kind of way, not feeling like drinking but indeed tired of having to take care so much. Guess I need to do my desensitation training again and more often so there are no internal reflexes at seeing an empty beer can on the pavement. Not that I want to drink then but internally there is still a thing that walks the path to …. heeeeee, yeah, lets chill mate….. Very important not to let that thought settle in the brain where there is the response of ‘Yeah, I’d like to hang….’

So much unfocussed thoughts for today. I’m off to bed. Walked an hour today with my unemployed neighbour, we are planning to do that more often. Let’s see.

Hope you have a nice day / evening. Sober love to the world! ❤

xx, Feelin

How to reverse a fatty liver and applying for a job

Here’s a vid from one of my favorite nutrition people on the net: Eric Berg. It’s on healing fatty livers. Not saying you have one ;-), just in case.

http://www.drberg.com/blog/nutrition/how-to-reverse-a-fatty-liver

I’m not a doctor or anything so I can’t judge what he says but to me he makes sense.

I have made a tiny Plan for these days. Hoping to get me back on track and earning money. I have asked two girlfriends to ‘monitor’ me and they also support me with nice things and advice. How cool. 🙂 So I just send out a new letter of application. Exciting!

I am happy that I quit – be it that I have some difficulty with accepting that I can’t drink anymore. Yes, where other people have that at the beginning, I have that now. I suddenly get this ‘party pooper complex’. Must have to do with Queensday (well Kingsday since last year). And I figured that with getting fired and my blood pressure up I felt like I had not made a lot of progress in these last 7 something months. So…. plan is to make progress otherwise I endanger my sobriety. So. PROGRESS it is. Going nicely. I enquired after a post that has been open for more than 2 months now and it is a maternity cover so…. I gues there’s some haste? They stressed me to please apply which is always good :-). Hope I can meet their high demands. Had to update my CV to English again. So that’s what I did today and yesterday.

I fear: that I’m not seeing reality and that money runs out quicker than I can handle. However staying in that fear only suffocates me. Not sure how to deal. Really, really looking at it and saying: these are the bills I need to pay and this is what I have – how long will it last is not an option yet. Although I just came up with this idea so there must be something of an opening there. It requires tapping and Bach and possibly external help and chocolate, maybe even sushi to get me there. Not doing that because I am an ostrich.

I want: things to be easy, and if not, they must at least be fun.

I need: to get a grip and walk the tight rope when it comes to stimulating me to do stuff and on the other hand not berate and punish myself. Actually I when translating my CV I’m get very excited about the things I know and have done. So that is good. 🙂

I take: Schuesler salts on high blood pressure. beginning to notice that some of my lovely herb teas make my blood pressure rise too. That’s frustrating, what is left but water if you don’t want caffeine, sugar or alcohol or OD on milk.

I’m going out for my daily hour of walking. Hope you have a nice day / evening.

xx, Feeling

Wrestling with the vibe of addiction

Do you have that too? Since I quite I’ve become very sensitive to the vibe of addiction in other people, in places, in almost everything. It’s like when I quit smoking: I started to smell smoke on a mile’s distance. Partially there was yearning for smoking and partially there was irritation because people out there were using such a nasty substance and polluting my air. Yes, I actually seem to think that way. 😀 /

I had visitors over this weekend. A good, but drinking friend of mine came to my city to go to 2 parties. One on Friday, one on Saturday. Friday night he came home, a little buzzed, not too and I could deal with that, we had a short chat and I continued sleeping. Saturday he went to see somebody and I went 2nd hand shopping. The vibe of addiction is big in those places in some people. Then I went to the store and had a beautiful chat with the store man my current development thing where I try to separate what has happened to me from what I am. He knows a lot about that from his own life and his studies into world religions so it’s good to speak with him about it. 🙂

We also spoke about transferring (projecting) feelings to others and how to deal with noticing that other people do so. He’s pretty alert to it but when we speak he only mentions that he thinks it’s happening when we there is nobody else around. I mentioned that some of it meets me as counter transference but since he’s always very polite in vocalizing things I never know if the ‘you’ is a ‘me’ or a general you. I asked him to be more specific and we decided that in the future we would see if we could work these transfer things out between the two of us. Let’s see. 🙂

Well, there where I fell out of love a several weeks ago, I now come to appreciate him more and start to be interested in him. However, he’s a major pothead. And speaking with him brings me into contact with his addiction vibe. So when the neighbour shopkeepers joined us on the porch in the sun and brought up beer and wine I left. These days I have trouble staying energetically open in such intense conversations and not taking in that addictive ‘let’s all not care anymore’ attitude. I’m also sad I can’t do that anymore – I ruined the hinges on the door to let’s not care land so now the door does not close anymore. And I need to keep away from it. I used to be happy that I could. Currently I’m sad that I have to.

I left, he pressed me to stay, I said I had to look after myself and he understood. I don’t want to comment on his smoking but staying with him brings me in danger and I should take responsibility for that. Pffff, peer pressure… I’m 45!!! I should be able to go without :-D.  I should have left earlier. Well, I can moan about that or learn now that if I want to live comfortably I should know my bounderies. I should have left earlier.

I went home, very happy to be out of the center of town where booze and addiction were celebrating the Friday evening. That night my friends came home and we spoke a few sentences on a distance but still I could smell the alcohol. It was very uncomfortable, my nose got irritated, I got angry and there were tiny, tiny ants running under the skin of my arms. My brain was in crisis state. It felt like an allergy, very uncomfortable.

It took me a while to fall asleep and I dream I had relapsed and needed to go to rehab against my will but well it was the ‘better’ idea because family decided so and I knew I did not have another stop in me. Rehab in my dream was awful. (are you surprised?) Stupid people, everybody following the leader. FYI: I have got nothing against leadership, I think it good leadership and thoughtful followers can bring everybody in a group to a higher plan and reach great results. I do dislike groups and leadership if it turns people to close their minds because ‘he’s the leader so why should I worry or duh, think for myself?

I found a companion there, she was crazy and did all kinds of things outside the rules. I was pissed off so I did that too. She took me to another group who had a Falun Dafa class (sort of Tai Chi-like) I got even more pissed off because they had modernised it and put fancy music to it and moved on the beats of the music. Aaaaahrg!!!! I was very much convinced that these people were emotionally, spiritually and intellectually dead because they go with the flow and obviously I am back to my believe that only dead fish go with the flow. Having decided that ‘they’ ‘could not think for themselves’ ‘they’ could not save or help me and I would not be safe. And ‘they’ all came down on me for not taking on their rules and telling me that is why I had fucked up anyway. That I was only lucky to have stayed sober so long without AA and that it did not prove anything only that I was lucky and that failure was there to happen because I did it all wrong.

I guess I better make sure I never relapse. I need to take better care of me. I’m not happy that I quit anymore. Sad that I had to is the main emotion. I guess I’m berating myself over that and putting the face of AA on that to not realise that it is I who does the lashing out. And I am afraid over the weird reaction to only smelling alcohol on people who had that ‘carefree mode’. By now I think that is what I want: to not have to care, to not be responsible. Worldly matters weighing down on me. I better fix them.

Also, I guess I berate myself for not being able to say I am happy that I quit. I am sad that I had to. I guess I could be both?  And happy that I quit and sad that I had to. Nah, doesn’t work yet.

Well, the dream teaches me that:

– I fear relapsing.

– I am looking to be care free, that is what attracts me. Voices inside are telling me that I will be carefree when I just take a few days out of life and go on a bender. I guess this is where addiction takes me: crashing down on me when I’m weak. I notice I’m getting more and more unstable. Too many things going on. Too many subjects changing within, too much pressure money wise. And then a few molecules of alcohol with a whim of carelessness spread into my house suddenly make it all difficult. Funny thing is that I smelled my Bach remedies today and there is no physical reaction there. It’s the vibe in combination with the alcohol. Yes, well, as detoxing and being clean goes: be careful of what you take in.

I guess next time the store man starts using I have to leave. I don’t want to interfere with his using, it’s none of my business, but I can’t handle the openness I need for the conversations we are having together with what these addiction vibes do with me.

– I am afraid of relapsing because somehow the lapse-relapse-collapse theory has settled in my mind.

– I am afraid of relapsing because it means that I would have to ask extra help and in this country they will tell me AA is the thing while I have this home-made fear fantasy which is  very much unproven and untested but still, it seems to rule my mind. I assume that within AA there is something I DEFINITELY do NOT want to learn and that is to: focus and mind my own small business and not to try to convert the world to my standards. So I guess finally that my self-made up not so elegant fear fantasy is telling me that.

Well, it’s the end of this post and as almost always is has worked to try to figure this out. I am happy-ish that I quit. Now come to realise that there are social consequences for me now I am starting to dislike it. But I guess that is the price I have to pay for not minding my bounderies earlier in my life. 😦

I fear: everything but mostly that I don’t get the time to ‘fix’ myself before my money runs finally out. But that is an odd way of thinking because I will never be ‘fixed’. Topic for another day.

I take: salts on high blood pressure. And NO brewers yeast vitamin B1 pills anymore because the contain tyramine which causes high blood pressure. Same with the loads of (eco!) soy sauce I put on my food in the last weeks; salt and tyramine. I’ll go and see have my blood pressure tested at the end of the week when I feel good.

I want: to go to bed and I want everything to be easy and gone. Aaahrg, I don’t want to have to do the difficult stuff!!!!! Pffffff. Aaaahrg!!! Somebody saying ‘patience’ and ‘compassion’ inside my head. 🙂 Thank you voice inside my head. ❤

I need: to trust, to get a schedule, to stay calm, take good care even though I feel like I don’t want to anymore, and go to bed.

Thank you for reading a way too long post again. Do you think I’m complaining too much?

Hope you have a nice evening / day, a nice new week full of beautiful experiences and opportunities. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Coming out of the closet

That was a strange dark night with a silver lining yesterday. I think I’ve got it worked out: I am not depressed, I am shamming.

Yes, I do have a whole lot going on, but I am thinking the reason I’m not getting ahead with some points is because I have excuses for everything. ‘Not being able to’ and ‘depressed’ is the main. Always has been since, wow, since early age but mostly since I got shunned at school for publicly exposing people who were stealing from the student activity fund. They stole money, sold tickets to a humongous party we had organised (5000 kids) on the black market, making 20 box a ticket on top of the real price. In the end I think 1000 tickets went for the correct price. It worked out, I was the only one in the student board who cared, all the rest had dirty hands so I (with my usual – lack off – diplomacy, idealism and need to be heard) was the only one saying something.

From that moment on all the people who I mistakenly thought were my friends shunned me. I got laughed at behind my back, ridiculed, sabotaged in my work for the student board. And those who were actually my friends got bored with me for being so angry and upset and not letting it rest. I turned my aggression on them, looking for perfection and criticising everything anybody did wrong. I started missing school. It badly combined with my parents having fights every, every, every day. There was no place for them to listen to me and what had happened. They did not understand. I think this is the point in my life where aggression and dislike for people (sorry 😦 ) really kicked in. So I also lost my normal friends.

On top of that puberty happened, hormones flying everywhere. You might have noticed I do everything with ‘gusto’. Puberty too. Guys happened. Since home was no longer a safe place I figured a boyfriend would be. Boyfriend 2 coerced me into having sex against my desire by leaning on me till I gave in. It was horrible. I was so scared I could not even move or walk or…  Well, so much for love. 😦

His father was an alcoholic and actually once spied on me while I was undressing. He was loaded that night. My boyfriend was utterly upset and saying things like ‘You can not watch because she is MY girlfriend.’ His father replied with something like him ‘not being a man anyway’. Funny how this exchange of ‘ownership’ of me made me feel disgusted and lost even more than having been watched.

His mother was a big depressed mess on meds and she did the spying too. She said it was in order to prevent me from getting pregnant. They lived in a shed where this was technically possible. No doors could be locked. It was a very sick situation. In the end I got all confused over everything, could not focus on my homework anymore, dropped from class best to worst within a few months. My parents had not thoughts on checking my marks, so I burned it. Then I reconsidered and extinguished the fire – I wasn’t all dark. And then months, months later I got into trouble for the black edges and finally yelled: ‘You don’t care anyhow, how come you say you care and it is only after months that you enquire after my grades?’

In the end I could not deal anymore and ran away from home. Twice actually. An uncle from another country half way through the world came along and said he would take care of me. My parents knew they could not deal so the let him deal. He was rich and had a 30 year younger woman friend whom he forced to have sex because he was paying everything and she should be grateful – she did not want to live on the streets again did she. I got away to private school and got to live with a family. The family abused their children, hitting them till they cried and then hitting them because the cried. Total mess. I was 15 and the ‘man’ in the house one evening saw his chance and invited me to his bed.Thing is: I knew he was going to do that at the first second I ever saw him.

I was scared shitless. I was in a strange city, no adults anywhere I had seen more than once. I politely declined and went to bed. I did not dare to oppose anybody because I was afraid that this dangerous ‘hunter – huntee’ dynamic would start. Next day I ran off to a friend and cracked up crying and crying and crying in front of her parents who then took me in and arranged me to live with other people. Somehow they forced me to go get my stuff on my own. Not sure what is educational in that. It was a small community so maybe that is why. The woman of the house came to speak with me and said: ‘I would not have mind if you slept with him, we are open in such matters.’ I again politely declined saying that I would feel strange living there and sleeping with her husband while my idea of marriage was a more sacred deal.  She said to not mind because she could not be bothered sleeping with him. Now there’s a nice sneak peek into adult life….

My uncle, who placed me in the first house said I was a nuisance and embarrassment and I had hurt the friends of his wife and must have caused all this anyhow because he knew how women could be. Ass hole. I took his money and when months later I got home I have never contacted him since. I hear he’s got quite a drink on him.

All this memories now coming back to me when thinking about depression. I’m not  depressed. This morning I was delighted with having worked out my issue. Well, as far as I can oversee it now. I just don’t want to grow up. Growing up means abuse, means getting married to a man who will abuse me more and I’ll be stuck. Like my mom. And we’ll have children and somehow I will not be able to care for them because in my mind that is what parents do: make kids and exactly not care. They have many reasons for that. My mom had cancer and a bad marriage, and alcohol near by to help her not deal. My father had an 80 hour job and alcohol nearby, and Aspergers.

You know, all in all growing up did not look exactly rosy. So I started not dealing. I skipped classes, ran away, thought that depression was ‘bon ton’, at least it helped me to not have to go to school. I don’t think I’m medically depressed. If anything I have bipolar 2. But I tend to think that all those DSM things are just another succesful or unsuccessful way of dealing with what our current f@cked up society brings us. All these hurt people doing all these stupid things to themselves and to others.

So, not depressed. Feeling depressed for sure, but that is something different. So that is my coming out: I’m not depressed, I’m shamming. The other day I thought: ‘Didn’t my mother have it easy, having cancer, not having to be responsible for anything.’ That’s not even the worse, the worse is that I thought: ‘I wish I had it so I don’t have to deal with this shit. I guess I could go back to drinking then and all would be over quickly.’

Do I mean that? Yes, as in: that is my usual way to deal with things, shamming, talking myself into depression. Do I still mean that now that I have shone some light on it? No, I see it now as a standard, ill perceived way of trying to deal, using the wrong ‘tool’ for difficult. It’s like using a sledge hammer to sew up a cut. 🙂 Well, anything with gusto :-D.

I think I never got round to realising how I approach things because I felt that if I did it differently I would deny the hurt. And, with some drama I would like to add: ‘like everybody denied my pain.’ But the thing is not anymore that everybody denied it. The thing is that I denied it. I could not find compassion for me. I found shame. I was ashamed about my pain and thought that if people mistreat me like that, and my parents don’t seem to care, I must be a useless person. I thought the pain had to be big in order to have an excuse not to live, not to deal. So I made it worse in my head. For the record: all of what I have written is true, nothing has been exaggerated, more like it, things have not been told or left out. Just seeing this as the only thing I have in life and as a reason not to live, not to live to my max, not to move on – that is not the correct solution. It it not a good concept. 🙂 Drinking does not solve problems, hanging on to pain neither. Pain needs to be seen, recognised, incorporated and healed, I should breathe through it. Not encapsulated as a nightmarish story and carried around. I guess it was too much to deal, and from day one I took the wrong path. I guess because my pain was not recognised. I could not move on because it was not seen. That’s why I hung on, blew up my bad expectations of life.

Last night I read some of my early posts back and was shocked by the pain in them. I finally recognised that what I have been going through is not ideal. And yes, I know there are people who have it far worse than I. But.. I am me. And I have to deal with me. So yes. I am hurt and broken down but it does not have to stop me from those things I can do. And that is what I do. I have excuses, for everything. It feels like I have so many excuses that I should enter excuse-rehab. So…. exactly on time this tea label shows up. Personal development by tea-label? Yes, can do. 🙂

Not sure how to continue but I am fucking happy that I don’t have to put all that energy into working out why I don’t have to clean the house e.g. Yeah!!!! 🙂

I am HAPPY that I quit. Happy that I’m going through this rough patch here. Happy that I am learning, through learning about shame and compassion (and taking some related Bach-remedies I guess) that I have found and entry to this procrastinating attitude. The other day a astrologer said that my stars were aligned the same way as they were 30 years back. That is when I was 15 and all the above horrible things happened. I don’t want to go there anymore. I want to learn to deal. 🙂 Anything must be better than having to go through that again. 😀

I fear: NOTHING!!!!! :-D. BS, but I’m again on some cloud where I am happy that I quit so I can finally work out these issues that keep me from getting where I want.

I want: to get a move on. And…. now learn to set realistic goals. That is the next goal.

I need: to learn how to move from here. All this energy that is freed up needs direction.

I take: Schuessler salts on high blood pressure and Bach remedies on shame, guilt, compassion, perfection and procrastinating.

I’m happy that I quit. 🙂 Hope you are too. And thank you for having read this again way too long post. Still not editing here.

Have a nice day or evening, weekend!

xx, Feeling

Disillusion setting in: blood pressure sky high

I went to see the GP today. My blood pressure is up like crazy, 155 over 82. It is so strange; I was going because it felt like I almost fell over because of low blood pressure like I did when I was a teenager. It’s not and I’m lost. I don’t seem to know up from down anymore. I just don’t understand. I used to be able to predict my readings within 5, max 10 points of what it was. Now I’m more than 55 points off. I don’t understand. And I am scared and disillusioned because I’m fucking up my life but that was at least something I had, something that was going well. I don’t understand. I’m scared. My one favorite tool: feeling my way back suddenly keeled over and I did not notice. It is scary. I just want to give in and not care anymore. (As always that feeling will have changed when I’m done writing, which is why I write… :-))

My tea label of 2 days ago said ‘give up your excuses’ – which is exactly what I need to do. I opened it while the book store man asked what was stopping me from doing what I want to do. If that is not a sign….. But shit it is hard to do. Next thing what happens is that I’m caught with the flu or a heavy cold and blood pressure up. I guess it’s exactly exactly exactly what I need to do: give up the reasons that keep me from being happy. I have my own quote, it’s a bit too long to become popular but it says: ‘How many reasons do you need to exactly not do what you want?’ I guess I am reaching my procrastinating rock-bottom. So many things changing in me lately. Book store man says that transition to clarity always hurts and that when you (I) step onto the path the first situations that come up will be hurting a lot. He says it is part of the process of becoming clear. Well, he says ‘enlightened’ but that’s a bit far off for me :-D. Don’t even know what it means.

I do like ‘clear’ though. I want to be clear. No I don’t. I want things to be messy so I can hide and I don’t have to perform. Well, that is clear too I want to move past that. I don’t want to hang around in this less than mediocre life, performing worse than I can. I just don’t. And then I get started and I want to do everything right and I get really frustrated with how much time everything takes and then I get side tracked, don’t feel like I achieved something and I finally give up and feel tired, useless and disheartened.

This morning I started cleaning the kitchen. My juicer is on the counter, it was ok to put in the cabinet just like that. But I saw a spot here and there and then I was cleaning the whole thing and getting frustrated over doing so. I was wondering (with the lost job in mind and a whole lot of other things not working out), if this is how I do stuff…. no wonder I don’t get things done.

And then there is shame. Shame over having been proud that I fixed my blood pressure before and now fail at it with the one asset that I trust most in my life: my feelings. Last night in bed I had an epiphany where I was inside my body seeing how things work, feeling energy and life and everything. It was a very trippy experience and it felt amazing. I was happy, thinking that it was a break through to another level of feeling my way back into life. And now it seems a lie. I don’t understand.

Feelings are not facts – which is true. I believe feelings are designed to help us judge things even without facts. So that if we take a bite from the wrong plant, or drink from the wrong cup, we dislike it because it feels bad and from there we build facts: eat this plant ->  not good. I’m trying to develop this feature because it is closest to me. Closer than following what the doctor says anyhow. :-D. Hmmm, I might rephrase that to ‘closer than following what anybody says’. So. Add, pig-headed. 🙂

Back to shame: shame, the uncomfortable feeling of not being enough, not being good enough ‘no matter what’. The feeling that the first article of the declaration of human rights counts for everybody, except me. ‘All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.’ Well, I’m one step ahead of that: it does count for me but that’s just because people are being nice and they are supposed to say I’m equal because the rights say so. A perfect example of how to use my intelligence to sabotage me.

I want to get rid of this thinking. Because it is destructive and counter productive. And because I just don’t want to feel like that anymore. I remember situations, bad situations, situations of abuse, small, big, where I would feel shame because people did things like that to me. And more over, because the persons who were supposed to take care of me and prevent these things from happening did not take action against it. I have taken that upon me as a failure of me to be nice enough to be cared about.

I wanted to add in an old post where this feeling of shame is expressed in a historical situation and I read back to my early, just sober, angry posts. Shit. There is a lot of sadness and anger there. Does it sound funny when I say ‘I never noticed it was that bad.’?

Trying to work out what the biological / ecological function of shame is. Guilt is easy: do something wrong, feel guilty. That makes sense. But shame? Shame is the opposite of what? Worth? Google!!!! Googling ‘What is the opposite of shame’ gives this video.

I now think I know why I was so mad at my mother that she got cancer. I was 12 at first and I remember being scared at first and later being angry, angry, soooo angry. We always had to put her first. It was not fair. (Yes that is ‘childish’ but I was a child) ‘Mind your mother.’ Continuously not having ones needs met creates shame, the feeling of being not enough, of being wrong, not important. Well, that’s my thought now.

I am moved by how the man in the video misreads his paper at 10:57 where he says: ‘listen to their rejections, eh, responses’. To me that shows how deeply engrained shame is. He’s been working on it for years and still automatically comes up with ‘re….jections’ instead of ‘responses’. But I can look at it with compassion now, so something must have changed. That would mean that I am starting to be able to bear the feeling, be at ease with it. Otherwise I would be projecting and angry and not at ease. So that is good I guess. 🙂

Compassion that is expressed softens hurt in another. Like the kiss we give a child that is hurt. Ghegheghe, as a young kid I once told my mother that she had to ‘mean it’ when she kissed me on my hurt knee otherwise it would not work. Ghegheghe…. She was surprised, and taken aback. Ghegheghe, imagine having a toddler telling you that. :-D. Ghegheghe, I guess I was feeling my way through life at a very young age already.

Shame, tapping on shame? The last days I can’t get past the ‘I love and accept myself’. Nope. I hate and despise myself. And while putting this down in writing I can realise how destructive it is. The book store man told me the other day that I should really start taking care of my negative intentions because he felt they are hurtful to me. I guess he is right and I feel sad about it. More and more I am thinking that I force myself to feel small so I don’t have to deal with the real world where I would be ‘big’ or ‘normal’ and ‘interacting’. I am envisioning all kinds of threats (difficult word! threads, treats, traits, treads, pfffffff). So obviously my experience is that when I am standing on my own two feet, taking the space I feel that is entitled to me, I will be shamed and put down. Nothing is coming to mind as a memory, just the thought that this is how I think it works. Not sure if I’m blaming the victim here, adding guilt to the shame – but actually I don’t think so. There is a place in me where I can look at all the hurt that currently surrounds me and feel ‘this is how it was, you don’t have to stay there’. And when I align with my spirit there and then that is what I feel is the truth. I don’t have to be all tangled up in misery and I keep myself undeveloped by doing so. I think I have to learn to align more often to grow out of the misery. Time to get the egg-timer again. 🙂

With my character I can imagine that I would have had difficulty taking only my own space. Also the memory of going to another school where everybody spoke dialect and they tried to shame me into saying I spoke ‘strange’ and I lashed out that ‘you all speak strange’ so convincingly that 30 kids backed off and felt the shame they were trying to put on me. Can’t find the post I did on it. There is a strange energetic pull towards that memory. Lots of things connect to it. I guess it takes anger or lifeforce to deflect shaming. But also something soft like compassion to keep it flexible, moving, let the energy not turn hard and stiff and breakable. Maybe when I study shame I should study compassion too.

Shame, the feeling that I am not good enough, somehow lacking where other people are ‘normal’. Today it feels like just another excuse not to do what I should do. Not sure what that is but feeling ashamed and down will not get me there. My internal voice says: ‘let go, it it is not the path.’ With this insight it feels like shame is there as just another one of all the feelings set in place to guide us along our way. Feeling good = repeat. Feeling bad = let’s try it differently next time.

That’s funny. So how did I in my addiction (and in my current procrastinating behaviour) come to the ‘Feeling bad = let’s try that again!’ ? Hmmm, somebody I know once said we don’t easily become addicted to the (natural) stuff where the bad effect (nausea, fear, throwing up comes before the bliss. We only get addicted to the refined, unnatural drugs where the bad effects come after the bliss*. So because I never understood the time delay with the badness I chose the quick fix. Yes. I can see truth in that. The quick fix. Not staying with the dis-ease. Not being able to carry the dis-ease that life brings but wanting to go away from it. IMMEDIATELY. I wonder how this comes about. I’m thinking it is a skill that can be / should ideally be taught by the parents, by society. Society does not teach anything like that actually. When in the last 50 years did patience become a character trait to be practised by  boring old people only?

*Currently I would rephrase that because I think we have, in this society, been indoctrinated to think that alcohol brings us ‘bliss’ or at least ‘something’ while any unspoiled child thinks it tastes &#@!! awful and people who drink it start behaving weird and turn nasty.

This post has again become way too long. If you’re still with me: thank you for reading. Writing helps me to figure stuff out and that you read and comment helps me on my way. So thank you for that :-).

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit, I’m seeing some light here now. As the GP says: a lot of people would have started drinking again after being fired. That thought has crossed my mind but I just can’t afford it. If I win a million Euro’s, that’s when I get in trouble.

I fear: I am happy and convinced that I can solve things. Maybe not now, maybe it will take longer but I can do a lot when I put my mind to it.

I want: to go to bed.

I need: to go to bed.

I take: well… guess…. 😀 Schuessler salt on high blood pressure. 😉

Have a good night / day.

xx, Feeling