The land of no self-hate – episode 5

I woke up this morning and against all odds tried to love myself. Now I think to know this self-hate and destructive behaviour is an addiction as well, things start to fall into place. So now I continue practising liking me, not hating me. Had some lousy tries and some good ones. I also had difficulty concentrating because of the upcoming ‘we need to speak’ talk with the hug-buddy.

I did however have some help in liking myself from the hug-buddy. And I had some insight in the absurd workings of the Universe. AGAIN! It works out the hug-buddy has not only been addicted to alcohol, he also had/has a sex addiction. Hugging does not set his fixation off, it relaxes him. Other things do. He never went into treatment for either of them. He ‘did a geographical’Β  – moved a few countries away from his abusive wife several years ago and it worked.

To the Universe: how on earth did I, from all the guys in that factory, find the one and only addict? And on my two ‘favorite’ subjects?! :-/ And how to continue?

When we are together we hug and touch and relax and do some relatively innocent sexy stuff. I keep my pants on AND my everywhere hair unshaven – unshaven EVERYWHERE. awkward? Yup. Deliberately awkward because IΒ  don’t want to cross borders I do not want to cross yet or at all. I think I need to learn not only to say no, but also to say yes. And do so from the start, not as an afterthought. I am not there yet – dealing with shame, unease and lack of practice.

The hug-buddy is very good at saying what he likes and how he likes it. I want that too. So, that is my practise. I made it his practise that he learns to touch me as I touch him – he likes the way I touch. They all do, I seem to have magic hands – said the boundariless addict :-/ I also like the way I touch better than how a lot of other people touch. So he needs to learn to touch and really be present in that touch, at that place, at that moment.Β  It is so cool to feel him (try to) do that and not have grabby hands which only take and think of satiation.

Lucky him and me…. of all the women he could have chosen I am one who can sense change from non-sex to curious sex, to needy sex, to single-minded taking sex, to disrespectful sex within a second wherever it may happen in the body, mind, feelings or intentions.

He says touching like stroking and massaging of the non sexual areas is ok. So we did that and suddenly, because of the newly found trust in each other it all spun out of control. I do feel alive now. πŸ˜€ Yesterday I was looking to feel alive. I do now. However I do not feel proud of having let myself go feeling wise. Nothing happened, but we did put quite some gasoline on the fire so to say.

He says: “If I go into the sex mode I end up drinking and having financial problems in no time.” So what kind of woman am I that…? Well. Ha! Addict trap 2109: “I will help you with this….” And still: my whole body, mind, aura is alive with expectation and desire. Both not good words in the addict world.

If anybody has a title for a book on how to deal with sex-addiction I would be grateful.Β  I notice that I want to think I have it ‘all worked out’ myself already (not!) but I’m not sure if that is helpful. It actually feels very egocentric of me somehow. Possibly because the addict in me wants to make a pact with his addict ‘because it feels good’. I really, really, really need to get a grip on this because I do not want to take him down because he makes me feel good.

Second thing that happened; he did his ‘we need to talk thing’ and probably a lot of the energy he had put in building up fences fell away. So the next layer came lose: enormous dislike, anger, almost hatred of women of his own age (he is more than a decade younger). I can imagine what he is experiencing; he is tremendously handsome in a ‘Disney prince without a dime, all alone in the world’ kind of way. Girls latch onto that like crazy. But princess attract princesses and those all want something of him; very aggressive, very demanding and very demeaning when he does not give them what they want. Something in that dynamic must have its influence on how he looks upon women.

And now he has given me the feeling of being alive and a basis for loving myself again. And I want that. But at what cost to him? And can self-love filled in by the other? Or is it absurd of me to expect to be able to do everything on my own? Yes Ainsobriety: I am overthinking here. πŸ˜€

The addict within me says: “But geeeeez! I just want to be happy!” But I’m guessing there is no ‘just’ anymore when I want to stay sober and I want him to be stable. But am I at this stage using my co-dependency to ‘help him’ and feel better myself? Or should I stop overthinking and go with the flow? Ooooh, no no no no no no nooooooo – hair on, pants on, brain on. Agenda for the next meeting with the hug-buddy: where are the boundaries, what is the safety zone. What happens if these are crossed (playing the tape forward). How to stop us from crossing the safety zone.

Ok, I could have made this a shorter post and some of it is redundant but then I would not have experienced these corners of my feelings/wishes/thoughts. I guess that’s it. By writing stuff down I get to go to the next door behind I find other, new stuff.

So much for today. I am grateful that I do not drink. Today very much so because it made that I have insight in addiction and e.g. did not laugh at the hug-buddy when he came out of his closet about this. Also this gives me a good reason to more structurally work on myself because I do not want to take him down because of my self-hate.

Because of self-hate I need/would like to use others to love me. Sex is an easy way to get my claws into somebody.Β  And I noticed today that I am familiar with this track and that we can both run down this track very easily. When I do not hate myself I do not want to use people to fulfill my needs for love. I hope. They say that is how it works. πŸ˜‰

Wishing you a good sober night/day.

xx, Feeling

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Kathy Berman on dissociation

Kathy Berman wrote this post a few days ago and I am still in the process of trying to comprehend it all and see how it fits into my life. I am very excited to read this informative gathering of thoughts on dissociation (Never in my drinking life I would have guessed that at some point I would write a sentence like that. πŸ™‚ )

Have a read by pushing the blue title below the quote. πŸ™‚

 

A lot of the recovery from childhood trauma, abuse, etc. is about learning the ways we avoided feeling the feelings. We don’t heal until we feel. 1.”Individuals use denial and repression to protect the ego from disintegration. Living with both the constant unpredictability of the alcoholic parent and the detachment and/or anxiety of the codependentΒ […]

via Dissociation Helped Us Cope With Childhood But Keeps Us Stuck in the Past β€” Emotional Sobriety: Mind, Body, & Soul

The other day I broke up with the hugbuddy, which is funny because right now I can not remember why. I worry about my memory. Well, obviously I thought it was leading nowhere and we would end up having sex anyway and, well, married man, 16 years younger (wife in other country out of the picture… but still). So we broke up and then he called and we had tea and some real sexy hugging.

I am currently trying to figure out where and when I dissociate. Well… sex would be one. Everything is nice, nice, nice and one wrong touch and poooff I am gone. And while sexy hugging I practised trying to be aware of when and where I went. It is like setting the internal timer every few minutes and then check where I am. Gosh. And GOSH to how uncomfortably weird sex (y hugging) can be when one falls out of the mood. MG?!!! Ghegheghe…. Luckily the hugbuddy is very sexy so I am never long out of the mood.

All babysteps. Still putting a heavily non-shaven body and my own culturally dislike of that between the hugbuddy and ‘real action’ but believe me, sexy hugging while sitting on a chair is real enough for me. And in between some feedback to the hugbuddy on what to do but more specifically; what not to do. No mindless grabbing. Mindful grabbing/firm holding = good. Mindless grabbing = scary.

The ‘There is nothing wrong with you’ book from Cheri Huber is helping me to get into my body. When reading it I notice how dislike of me keeps me out of my body, sort of separates me from being where I am. I pick up on negative thinking earlier and recognise it for what it is better. Not sure yet what to do with my time now I don’t spend it being negative. That is a real thing. There is so much ‘nothing going on’ if I do not have opinions about everything. Had that with quitting smoking. Had that with quitting drinking; the boredom. Or: rest? I do not have to go to that land of negativity, of self-hate. But what to do?! πŸ™‚Β  Get a job? πŸ˜‰

I am grateful that I do not drink. The things I am learning are difficult sometimes but also very rewarding. Ooh, only to find my newly found knowledge on how negativety, perfection and self-hate work in me to be totally disgared and ridiculed by my brother in a phone conversation with him. Made me realise that within the family I grew up in self-hate NEEDS TO BE MAINTAINED AT ALL COSTS. And I need to stay down at the bottom of the pit and am not allowed to rise out of it. God forbid I should find out something about self-hate and comfort that makes me happy. Nope, let us devalue that by snide comments. :-/ Family structures are wonderful when they are wonderful. They are also killing when they are not.

Just for logging: I got a fright the other day. Somebody from a detox clinic which I am not linked to checked out my LinkedIn profile. I wonder how that came about. I log this because things like this (used to) send me spinning and I need to keep track of that.

Wishing you a wonderful sober Easter weekend.

xx, Feeling

Self-rape in practice – Stormy Daniels

A few posts ago I wrote about self-rape, a word I made up for me to describe unwanted sexual acts I have performed and were performed on me because I did not have the guts to say no. I am not referring to situations where saying “No” would have had bad or worst consequences; there are a lot of sick men who are enticed by some ‘struggling’. I am talking about situations where a “No” would have not gone down well, but it would have been listened to without consequences. I, for me, call having not-voluntary sex when there could have been a no sex ‘self-rape’. It is not that I wanted it, but in me the option to say no was first taken away, and then when it partially grew back, it went unpractised. Still not good at it now but I want to become good at it. πŸ™‚

I am in a process of uncovering layers and layers of old behaviour and memories in the hope to undo damage and to un-addict. I am aware that those who are in a different place/situation with this subject might have different opinions on this. But for me this is what it is right now. This is how I perceive it now.

It is very unfortunate that my childhood spirit was already broken before I could even make up my adult mind on what and how when it came to sex. At age 48 I still often wonder about my sexual orientation, not sure if I really like women physically, intellectually and emotionally or sometimes dislike men because of the memories. And so I walked a path of self-destruction which has been and is painful. These days I start to understand how far-reaching my self-destructive acts where and are. But watching the Stormy Daniels 60 minutes interview I realised I am not the only one. The part which worries me most starts at 1:40 and ends at 3:24.

In the transcript below I made the worrying parts in a bold lettering – if WP catches on to that in the quote mode…. Self-hate, self-destruction, self-rape speaking loudly – in my ears. She passes it off as a business deal, but how split does a person have to be in order to do this?Β  How do you perceive this?

Stormy Daniels describes her alleged affair with Donald Trump

Anderson Cooper: You had dinner in the room?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: What happened next?

Stormy Daniels: I asked him if I could use his restroom and he said, “Yes, you know, it’s through those– through the bedroom, you’ll see it.” So I– I excused myself and I went to the– the restroom. You know, I was in there for a little bit and came out and he was sitting, you know, on the edge of the bed when I walked out, perched.

Anderson Cooper: And when you saw that, what went through your mind?

Stormy Daniels: I realized exactly what I’d gotten myself into. And I was like, “Ugh, here we go.” (LAUGH) And I just felt like maybe– (LAUGH) it was sort of– I had it coming for making a bad decision for going to someone’s room alone and I just heard the voice in my head, “well, you put yourself in a bad situation and bad things happen, so you deserve this.”

Anderson Cooper: And you had sex with him.

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: You were 27, he was 60. Were you physically attracted to him?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Not at all?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you want to have sex with him?

Stormy Daniels: No. But I didn’t– I didn’t say no. I’m not a victim, I’m not–

Anderson Cooper: It was entirely consensual.

Stormy Daniels: Oh, yes, yes.

Anderson Cooper: You work in an industry where condom use is– is an issue. Did– did he use a condom?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you ask him to?

Stormy Daniels: No. I honestly didn’t say anything.

Anderson Cooper: After you had sex, what happened?

Stormy Daniels: He said that it was great, he had– a great evening, and it was nothing like he expected, that I really surprised him, that a lotta people must underestimate me– that he hoped that I would be willing to see him again and that we would discuss the things we had talked about earlier in the evening.

Anderson Cooper: Being on The Apprentice.

Stormy Daniels: Right.

Stormy Daniels: Β I thought of it as a business deal.

Full interview and transcript here.

Am I the only one who finds this behaviour sad, worrysome, self-destructive? And, for another thing: this is not something that needs to be advocated as a reason to have sex AND not something to be advocated as consensual.Β  ‘Not wanting to but feeling not being able to get out of it’ does NOT equal consent. It does not equal rape either according to the law. Energetically I think she violates her and his integrity.

Let me conclude that both people were not where I think it is healthy to be. She having sex with a guy she does not want, he not even aware or not caring that he is sharing something not given in joy. In Trumps words: “Sad”. :-/

I am happy that I quit.

Wishing you a wonderful sober day with many good sober thoughts and haha, maybe a serenity prayer. πŸ˜‰ I could use some thorough insight in that now for both posting on somebodye elses sex-life and for not doing what I should be doing in the meantime. So here:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

 

Thoughts on abuse, love and healing in relationships

The hugbuddy is back from being on a trip to another side of this globe. Having had a cool down time was good but hugs are better. πŸ™‚

And now I wonder: what is a relation actually? Do I like him for who he is? (or) Do I like how he makes me feel? Do I like how we feel/are together?

It is strange. Due to his and mine circumstances I am not ready to go anywhere with this further than, well, some sexy hugging. But you and I know that if this continuous long enough at least one of the buddies (bodies?) will fall in love.

I like him. But he’s more than 15 years younger and I feel a fool over that. All is well when we are together but not when I add the ‘rest of the world’ to this, that is when I feel stupid for liking him. The rest of the world includes his estranged wife out of an arranged marriage. FYI: they have been living apart for years now, little to no contact. Does that make it ok? I do no not know.

All the howevers together: he makes me feel good. I feel at ease with him, he spots any kind of stress in me immediately. Reminds me in a not spiritual but spiritual way that I should not focus on the negative. He appreciates being with me deeply without funniness about how I should be different. And I am testing boundaries in that with not shaving. Yes, you heard me; not, not anywhere. Self-protection too; either body, leg, stomach, armpit, ass crack hair shames me into not going any further than some sexy hugs… Or… it will force him (and me!!) into accepting me AS I AM; ‘flawed’, hairy, not willing anymore to be somebody I am not, not the one who uses cultural shame to turn me into somebody who is ‘ever ready and available’. No, not the smelly hairy; the just came out of the shower hairy.

All of my relations have been oneS where I felt exactly NOT appreciated as I am. Every man struggled with this specific me-ness, the special Feeling flavour so to say. At first attracted by it and then repelled. But then again, I never appreciated me as I was and I am thinking that might reflect back into relations with the world. No, not blaming me for others being an asshole. Or yes, maybe I do. :-/ Have not worked that out, felt that through, thought about it.

All in all, this well, whatever it is with the hugbuddy: Do I like being with him because he makes me feel good? Or do I like him regardless of any benefits? Do I like him regardless of possible negatives?

Or is all this wondering about how things work of no use? And is the biology of being together a healing process in itself, which is why it is nice. Biology always makes good things feel nice. πŸ™‚ ❀ The pure nice, not the addicted nice.

I can see things, physical things, emotional things, spiritual things in him heal when he is with me and being held. He lets go ofΒ  a lot of shame and pain when he is with me. Awful experiences get vented, get air, can transform, neutralise.Β  And the same with me. At first it irritated me a little, thinking ‘I am not your mother’. And then I realised that I could just let things be and help another person in distress. There is a lot of holding space going on. That what has been damaged in the symbiosis can be repaired in the symbioses.

He is very specific in asking physical things: ‘Can you please massage my shoulder there?” Or: “Can you please put your thumbs next to my spine.” I do not know how to do that. At first I was offended. Then I thought: I am only offended because I do not dare to ask that. πŸ™‚ So I thought being with him will teach me how to. By now I am becoming more vocal about what I do not like. I never knew there are very many ways I do not like to be touched. I do not like to be grabbed. That is just a one way ticket into the physical and mental memory of abuse and I move out of my body! Never knew that so clearly as I do now.

It made me wonder what grabbing actually is. To me grabbing is taking hold of a body or part of a body for your own interest, with no consideration for or real interest in the other. Sex can easily turn into a grabbing match. The play with grabbing can even be kinky – but without intimacy and interest in the other it is destructive. Drunk sex can be specifically grabby. Not sure if I can recall well. Gosh, bad joke.

Now I am coming to the part in my life where I have to learn to stand up and be specific about my wishes in physical contact. Long time ago I realised that for me, there is rape and there is self-rape. 😦 If now, I can not stand grabbing while being in a situation that is potentially safe – I do not speak up for myself to stop the grabbing, I go into self-rape mode.

Self rape mode is such a fucking infuriating, frustrating phase of abuse!!! First one gets stripped of self, self-protection, self-care, worth. Not saying that abuse makes a person lose worth. Never! But the purpose of the abuser is to make that appear so and often the victim is not strong enough to fight that. The abuser knows this and that is why the victim gets picked and broken. The victim of child abuse is hardly ever 6 feet 7 muscly 120 kilo guy from fighting club or biker gang, it is the young child which is vulnerable and can not fight back. And that is why the predator picks them. They never take on people the can not ‘win’ from. A sick combination of fear and lust spurs them on and cunning thinking of a sex addict with a liking for perverted sex* within helps them to do what they do and often get away with it. In more judgmental wording: they are cowards. * Please note I write sex addict with a liking for perveted sex in order not to give the impression that I think all sex addicts are child abusers. The vibes I got from my abusers where strong vibes of addiction: knowing things are wrong but not being able to work against what they were doing.

Predators will threaten with more violence or more of the bad stuff if you do not go along. This is also a way to make the victim submit: “You did it yourself.” They strip a person of everything, they can not ‘be’ with a person when the other person has value, so the value must go. For me, to come out of the feeling of rape and out of self-rape I need to change things around. If I want to heal, it takes Self, self-protection, self-care and – worth to actually go against what is happening. That inversions is so difficult, so frustrating. And, in some childish terms maybe: so unfair. But still. It needs to be done.

They tell you: “Hold still or I’ll hurt you more.” The more I struggled and fought for my life, the more life they need to take away.Β  And now I need to reverse the shutting up, the moving out of my body to moving back in, experiencing it all and speaking out when things don’t go as I want to. :-/ It seems unfair for me to have to do this because of the other persons perverted, corrupted personality. When feeling into this I realise that the really sick ones were victims too. I know that, I feel that with every fiber. I realised it then. I can word and understand it now. But I do not have to carry their burden. Let go. “That is your sickness. I do not want it.” “Destroying me will not make you whole.”

So. Guess the this whole thing with the hugbuddy wakes up more than I realised. I think it is good. I found a hugbuddy who, without being irritated, without questioning kisses my tears away and asks “flashbacks?”

When we touch I do all these exercises of really being there in the moment and experiencing what is going on. He has had his share of abusive situations so he knows pretty well what flashbacks are. So I can explain that somebody pulling my hair gives me flashbacks. He understands. And!Β  He is not irritated over that. πŸ™‚ I have been with a lot of guys who did not understand and felt accused. I guess I used to accuse guys for being guy. I hate man because they have been The Oppressor, always. Now I worked in two different companies where women where The Sexual Oppressor and haha, that has balanced my view. πŸ˜€ Gosh, laughing here. What a shit hole this world is. πŸ˜€

And then I come to my heart. What about my heart? My heart loves him as a person. Not specifically as ‘my’ person. I tend to focus on other things and more or less forget about him when he is not here.Β  Like with a good friend; enjoying time together and then it is ok when they leave too. But on the other hand, I am deliberately reigning in my heart because of marriage, age and culture differences. Again. Did so with the bookstore man, doing this now. Is it good? It is illogical biologically. So that must be a warning that it will lead to painful results. :-/ We shall see.

Why does culture through movies and advertise romantify the missing of the partner part? It seems to turn relation into addiction, as if the more we have of what the other brings us, the better. Like booze to the addict. Romantically cultivating ‘missing him’ feels like addiction. So. Not going there.

Going back to the questions at the beginning of this post:Β  I like the hugbuddy for who he is. I also appreciate how he makes me feel and find the time we spend interesting, fun and healing. But the making me feel good is not mandatory. It is added to me, to us, and appreciated. When asked I would say I am interested in seeing how continued contact would enfold but (self)care and openness need to be present in that.

Baby steps!

Ooh, Tarot gave “Love”as an answer to what it is between the hugbuddy and me. But then again: so it did with the bookstore man. So… well. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. My life is difficult right now. So far no work and no money because I go into freeze when dealing with the social security. I did…. however ask for help and kept on asking till I got it. Which is strange because again I have to be strong exactly when I am not.

I feel like I am in a transition time, everything shifts. On second I experience my inner world to be one of no outlook anywhere. My inside world shows nothing but flames all around me burning, burning, burning. The next I am understanding the energetic workings of abuse, really seeing what happened in situations and breaking free of bond that kept me there. By the way, this is also very much due to reading Bethanyk’s blog ‘Not my secret.’ She writes about horrific abuse and says: it is NOT MY SECRET. As I say:Β  “That is your sickness. I do not want it.” Taking off the shame, refusing to accept the shame that predators put on her helped me realise how this works in me. Again many thanks to a person who walks this path before me and reaches back with writing. <3.

A woman who loves herself would love herself….. Would edit this post so it can be understood better. I have done so as far as I can manage now. I guess when the dust settles, I will organise. Or not. I am not taking time to let the post rest. So I hope it reaches you well.

Wishing you a wonderful sober Friday and weekend.

xx, Feeling

2018 is going to be great!

Heya,

Hope you had a good, healthy, joyful start of the year 2018. I did! I quit eating chocolate about 7 days ago, slipped once but wow, I am feeling sooo much better.Β  I’m BACK! Did and did not know that it had such an influence on me. Gone is the tiredness, gone is the feeling of mweh, gone is the thinking and not doing. Yay!

And this is possibly, in all honesty, also caused by some sexy non-sex with the ex-colleague . And, to that, we have decided not to take it further because of his marital status. He is divorcing her, has been living apart for 3 years now, in separate countries… so… but…. I don’t want to go there. Also, he’s 16 years younger so I keep on getting the feeling that at some point there is no future anymore. And I’m already falling in love with this sweet and dark guy as we go along so – quit before it is too late.

Having another guy sort of sweet talking himself almost into my pants is was sort of complementary – apart from the fact that he too is married. This rascal almost put me back on my old rascal tracks and it was difficult to keep the floozy within in check but hey, I did it. Hurray for not drinking! πŸ™‚ So much better for other people’s marriages…

So, they go, or do not go back to their respective families and I am here with no work and most possibly no benefits either because I am still listed at the Chamber of Commerce as a company. Which is funny because I have paid for the benefits insurance over the last years and I am not active as a company anymore.

However, I felt the energy sucking motion of the online bureaucracy and thought to myself: this is not the path I want to walk. I need to do what I think is right. During a meditation a project which has been in my mind sprung forward and I’m following up on that now. As a self-employed person that would be. I set myself a deadline for the end of january; the main players in my project need to be on board otherwise there is not enough time to arrange all of it. The project is actually about addiction. But a more commercial version of it. Yup, commerce… does that clash with sobriety in your ears/eyes? Not in mine so far since my AF drinks are way more expensive than the beer I used to buy so….. And, with that: the wholesale price must be lower so I’m guessing shops can/could make more money on it. If the turn-over is high.

Whatever, I’m gonna try. And I’m finding that with moving into the world with this I have to deal with my shame. Working on that. :-). Having a hug-buddy who does not drink either helps. Funny how this ‘confirmation of the sober me within an intimate setting’ actually helps.

I also have to deal with stupid people with aggression against the idea of going alcohol free. I’m trying that online currently where I comment on Facebook posts which are either about being sober or drinking. Have any of you done that? I find it quite difficult not to end up in flames. πŸ™‚ But as this is a trial for my project I have turned it into a learning experience. I realise I was the same. I realise that the person who is shouting out and trying to ridicule and shame me over nothing but a suggestion or some data still lives in the fable of Lalaland. He is as I was. I need to learn to deal because if my project works I will be speaking with a lot of people about addiction for a full year and haha, that could .. challenge me. πŸ™‚

NEW: with being less tired, more aware, gone chocolateless (not sugerless totally, substituting with mandarins and pineapple currently, they come out of my ears). I can focus on progressing again. Ever since I got deeply into the chocolate the progress seemed to stop and depression and moaning introduced themselves. Currently on my mind is sticking to the subject when working on the project. Setting goals within the day and then seeing how I lalalalalaaaalalala step away from them. I’m using my egg-timer again. Every time it rings I need to check if I’m sticking to the task. πŸ˜€ It might sound funny but this is a very helpful tool.

In line of these ‘stick to the subject’ I am actually starting to think I should edit my posts. In a few years I’ll go back and analyse all the posts and see how many times I said this. Well, there is, within me, a need for organisation. The tile from the former post has made me think that I have hidden myself for way too long. Now, when working on my project I try to keep myself in check and focus on the up and out into the light instead of down and into depression and ‘I can’t, I’m too tired, I’m broken, I’m not enough, it will never work mode’.

Because today is the first day of the rest of my life. πŸ™‚ Anything is possible and if I do not try I will never know.

considerforamomentwhatyoucallyourpersonality

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I quit drinking. In a way sorry that it had to take me so long to try again with the chocolate but I guess that is how it works; if you don’t pay attention to the true inner voices you will not go in the right direction.

I don’t want to have to excuse myself anymore. I am regrowing my backbone. Did some tapping on that. NEW. Works nice. Good tool.

I am happy that I quit, not always liking what I see but getting more at ease with myself. Speaking with the hug-buddy and being open about things, giving myself the time and the authority not to do things which are crossing lines has helped. Being met nicely in that has helped too. πŸ™‚

A woman who loves herself would follow the tiny things in her head more. Like ‘clean the desk’ when it is dirty instead of postponing it. That makes me feel so much better. It gives energy because otherwise I beat myself up over procrastinating and that costs way more energy. And the self-loathing. Pfiew. There was a time where I could deal with those ‘shoulds’ and say a woman who loves herself now chooses to clean her desk / not clean her desk. I will go back there. I keep a list with how I apply my time during the day and in that file there is a column of learning experiences.

I meditate in the morning for about a month now I think. Sometimes a little yoga. And now I’m off to bed because I want to get up on normal times again.

Wishing you a good sober, joyful, inspiring 2018! May your tribe prosper and the gods of sober development be with you!

xx, Feeling

Hole in the soul

I want to write but somehow I do not finish a post and when I do I re-read it (NEW) and start changing stuff (NEW) until I get lost and then start a new post. That has been going on for a few weeks now. So I’m trying again. See what comes up.

In short: I have been all over the place since I left my job 2 weeks ago but things are settling down now and my last official working day finished 8 hours ago.

The wife of my boss whispered another ‘you really need to get laid’ in my ear when we parted. And I do not want to go into this feeling again but I need to list it for future reference because I want to inform you and myself that really this is how people are. #Metoo and me telling her 4 times over that I do NOT want her to discuss anything sexual about me did obviously not reach her. So again I leave a workspace not because I want to but because I am not able to deal with the (stupidity of) other people. (Arrogance much?) Guess this needs to change at some point. She also said that she had never in her life met somebody whose personality was so alike that of her husband (my boss) and that it had astounded her again and again: ‘You seem to be the same person, you think and act alike.” He and I differ 3 days in age so I guess there is some proof for horoscopes. πŸ™‚

I took her up on the needing to get laid and I started ‘dating’ one of the workfloor guys. Ghegheghe… there I was thinking it would be easy. Had a sober-first kiss (NEW), had a sober first bra taken off (NEW), the girls fell down (NEW 😦 ) and got a sober first fright like “WHAAAA!!!! Not sure if I am up to do this.” I had a lot of flashback to unhappier sexual activities. Not nice. I was afraid that would happen now when trying to have sober sex and being more aligned with my senses. But I had not thought it would show up so quickly with so little trigger. One hand lustfully groping instead of holding and feeling set off all the alarm bells. Well, well… yes, I had seen it coming. Yes I did not listen to me (he is gorgeous, like drooling from the corner of my mouth gorgeous – when I first saw him I had this surge of ‘I want’ going through me – psychiatrist say you need to quickly run away when that happens but, hey, I do things the hard way…. I am entitled to stupidity so Thou shalst not deny me more stupidity and misery πŸ™‚ ).Β  Lucky me he is as complicated as I am so I guess now we are not fuck-buddies but hug-buddies with a tiny hint of sexy. And that is actually really really nice. πŸ™‚ I just found 2 Tantra books in my cabinet and I’m thinking I should work through these to see if they can help me with this. Letting go is another important possibility.

I notice that I am loud about stuff which is important to me. I do not want to be like that anymore. I miss my more considered self. Not sure why I need to be all out there. I guess it is another state of addiction of not wanting to feel. 😦 I am so tired of living. So tired of being me. When addiction goes untreated things go wrong in a person. I guess that has been happening with me over the last 1,5 year or so. I don’t want to write about it. And it is not all bad, although I am so very tired of, well, yeah, being me. Lately I also noticed that my whole body, my energy system is starting to function again. I can laugh again sometimes, relax, enjoy and joke again. I am cleaning my house, just sorted out a meter of books to sell or give away. I am cooking again. I helped out my friend a few days with his shop. So, I guess that is all good.

This new liveliness might have to do with the homeopathic medicine I am taking. I am still on the medicineΒ  Vernix Caseosa which is (diluted, diluted, diluted!) waxy stuff from a newborn baby. It is meant to create an extra layer around a person. I guess I could do with that. πŸ™‚ And obviously the hug-buddy is of influence on my kundalini. πŸ˜€

The homeopathic medicine does however bring all kinds of things about my vanished twin brother to the surface. So much that I did not want to involve myself with the subject anymore and turned off FB to read a book. Ooh, gosh, this is about twins. Hmm, let’s watch a movie. Aaaah, movie about twins. Well, might as well turn Facebook back on. Look a cute movie about two girls, one black, on white and they, oooh, they think they are twins. Aah.. well, I’ll just take the train to my friend and gosh, this men sitting opposite me starts talking to me about his lost sister and twin-sister. Right….

My heart had difficulty beating those days, it literally hurt, it was so heavy, so sad. I spoke with a friend and she said, if it were her issue she would go to a shaman and then she mentioned one. (She also told me to go to the GP btw but I feared I would be on intensive care an hour later if I would, so I did not.) Did not know there were shamans in the Netherlands! So I googled him; the google maps photo of his practise has a woman with a twin pram in front of it. I can’t even think this shit up.

twinpram

 

In continuance of the twin brother issues: I have dreamt of my boss walking around in my dreams trying to find me and tell me that he misses me. There is this glass layer between us and I think he can not see me, he is just searching while I am standing there. Frozen in time. I can not react because if we would connect we would both explode with all the built up energy and things unsaid. No, don’t worry, nothing sexual – but I guess there is a weirdness over the closeness we had which would normally be worked out sexually. But that would have been an absolute no-no. It would not work either, I energetically zoomed in once on him once trying to find his sexual energy and all I found is that he’s not my cup of tea. I felt him energetically zoom in at me several times and slammed the door shut. Hmm, did I tell you that was after I let him appraise me several times while I was being brainy and al managerial. In order to be effective it is better to slam the door shut when he thinks he can enter, not? πŸ˜€ Ooh, sorting out what is true in this is so confusing when in the situation. Guessing here denial is a tool for survival too.

I don’t know, well, I do know; the moment we first met he mentioned that we differ 3 days in age and at that moment I projected this ‘You are my lost twin brother!’ thing on him. He was my brother, I was his sister. My brothers always need taking care off even before they know that themselves. The die, so I need to save them, I needed to save my boss. Not sure what his issue is. Ooh, I do know! It is exactly what is going on: he can not be in contact, he can not find ‘me’ (his sister) She is there, all is well, and then she leaves. Oh my god. How sad! His wife says he is an autist. That is not true, he just can’t find her. He is living his trauma. Oh my god. This is so sad. (Well, projected sad but I think I’m right here). My former former boss (the woman) said about him: ‘He can not hold onto his staff’ – that is such a typical vanishing twin thing: not being able to hold on to, well, anything. Always, always on the road, searching for I don’t know what. Well, I do know. 😦 Looking for the person who is not there. To feel whole again. To fill this hole in the soul.

Ever since we have been in this brother-sister bond where we assume to understand each other completely, take that for granted as if we have known eachother for years and are angry when this in reality does not seem to be so. And as in any brother – sister relation sex sometimes pops up by accident and is banished immediately too. And anger builds there because anger is a solid foundation to base a decision on. So I guess, looking back, it is not strange that I left. Looking back I think the alternative was an enormous falling out. To those not familiar with Vanishing Twins, there are some education vids on YouTube if you like. Mainly it is about people who were created as twin or multiple of which one or more died in the womb. Funny in a not so funny way this influences the personality a lot. Almost all things found in addiction can also be found in the life of a person who is a half twin. I see the connection there within me. Does not have to be, but I’m thinking there is. For me there is truth in it.

Well, I have started to meditate. My hug buddy is from somewhere Middle-East and he says: “If I have problem I sit down and think of nothing. It is good. You think too much. Relax.” πŸ™‚ ❀ How is that not good for me :-). So I sit down and think of nothing. πŸ™‚

My birthday falls in this period before Christmas. I always cry a lot the days before I have my birthday. Again and again I feel like I failed at life. While actually I did an amazing thing this year: got the company I worked for to a hell of a high score on their certification. Learned that I could learn and manage an enormous load of new information in a short time and make company policy out of that. Aah, well, I can try to be grateful for that but mainly I am sad because I had to leave to make myself safe again.

I did realise one thing: I have several things which are repetitive, the thought of ‘I have to leave anyway’ and ‘They will destroy it anyway’ and ‘If it is nice it will go away.’ have stuck with me for all my life. No idea who They are but in my life I can always point out some ‘they’s’. Well, at some point in time the last week I realised that the assumption that I have to leave anyway comes from having to leave the womb. This theory just aligned for a few seconds with all my cells so I guess it is one of those personal truths. My mother said I came into this world SCREAMING with anger, no, rage. My mother, baby/kids nurse for I think at least 4 years, had never in her life seen such an angry baby. I found it all very unfair to be born (this way?). Guess that is one of the ‘childish’ notions I have about this life: unfair. I’m thinking these notions stop me from doing what I need to do. And obviously Facebook helped me along with this beautiful tile:

considerforamomentwhatyoucallyourpersonality

I think I should write a post on answering that question for myself. Things are ‘separating’ within. One second I can be in an emotional hell and the other moment I think: ‘mwoah, let it go, let it go, it is not now.’ Which often works. But then I can step back into the ‘drama’ (?) easily too, like with the trying of having sexy action.

For a while I have been thinking that I (we humans?) tend to hold on to experiences too long. Letting go would make life so much easier. Not there yet but it is starting to happen. Need to keep on meditating. πŸ™‚ The cat LOVES it when I sit down. She climbs on my lap and sleeps within no time. No tail wagging which is her normal restless situation. πŸ™‚

A woman who loves herself would pay more attention to herself but shit I have so much I need to hide from. I can not do ‘this life’ on my own. It just often hurts too much to be aware off. I prefer Netflix then. But I guess I have to sort out how and where to work. No inspiration yet.

Yesterday, when the hug buddy came along I had bought some clay as an inspirational act which I thought: let’s follow that. I started making a little baby, my brother. With whatever part of the body I was claying I had these flashbacks to his health. Somehow I think that if I know why he died I do not have to blame myself.

The man I met on the train was mentally handicapped (is that how you say this?). He reminded me a lot of my brother. I wonder if my brother was mentally handicapped too. Thing is: in the womb that does not matter yet, the womb is about existing – well, moving in and out of existence sometimes but building up a connection to the body, settling, incarnating. And awareness of the world and body slowly grows and is there. From the experience in which I relived being in the womb and seeing, feeling my brother die I know that awareness was already there. We as people in this life just don’t remember it because we are trained in mental and physical skills in this world, not in awareness. The overstressing of the importance of mental skills diminishes the awareness. And then later, after we all got addicted we go do yoga and meditate to get the awareness back πŸ˜‰ .

The clay puppet is not done yet. Can’t finish anything these days. So I left it under a wet paper. Now the bottom side of the puppet is soaked and feels as yukkie as the body of my brother did when he died. I’m thinking this clay practise is a good thing because it gives me a canvas (well, clay) to project on. Things just ‘pop up’. Like folding and bending and forming and then suddenly: the neck was not like that, the head was (still) bend forward. I guess tiny things like these will at some point enable me to find the age range in which he died. But I don’t want to look at fetus photo’s now because that could influence my process.

Well, that is a long post again. And another one for me more than for you possibly. I am not fully selfish if you think so. I worked in my friends shop for 1,5 days, helped a lost and crying woman at the train station, ha, found another cat and got it back to its owner (this time all online, but still). Cooked for a friend, for neighbours, for my family. Gave some spiritual advise to a friend of mine. And I gave some Dutch lessons to a Middle East man but, well, that turned into something totally different. πŸ™‚

A woman who loves herself would really really really start to take better care. I have no clue how to incorporate that other than through not feeling ashamed for outside sources. Ooh, that is called accountability. πŸ™‚ So, I guess I need to keep on inviting a certain person to my house in order to clean it well. Or…? Isn’t it funny that biology can fix in one afternoon what I myself could not do on will power for half a year? vacuuming my floor and cleaning out some rubbish. πŸ™‚ If that is the way, that is the way.

I’m off to bed. I wish you all a nice, sober, aware holiday season. Remember whatever shit you might find yourself in: there is no problem that does not get worse with drinking. πŸ™‚ And for those who are still on the fence when it comes to drinking and whose mind does not want to compute the double negative here is the simple version: alcohol always makes everything worse. Just so you know. I did not for years. I thought alcohol made things better. That is a lie you have been fed by the alcohol industry and society and now your own internal addict might be telling you the same lies. That is nasty. But for me, realising this statement is true will made it easier to fight urges. Well, it quenched the urges. Or helped me to see them as a passing train. Standing on the track trying to block the urge train with will power is tiring and in the end pretty destructive. Stepping away from the track to a safe distance and just letting the urge train pass is way nicer. And easier. πŸ˜‰ Wishing you strength and wisdom if you need it. I will most likely not be doing anything with Christmas so feel free to mail or comment.

I am happy that I quit. I would have made such a huge mistake with the hug-buddy otherwise. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

The future of healing conference is on sex today

Dear all,

The free online conference on health has a the subject of sex today. Thought you might want to know since it is one of the funny things after getting sober. Sign up here.

This is todays programme:

  • 12:00 (EST) – Dr. Sara GottfriedSexuality and The Hormone Reset Diet
  • 12:30 (EST) – Dr. Madeleine CastellanosA Doctor Looks at Sexual Health
  • 1:00 (EST) – Psalm IsadoraPractical Insights into Sexual Transformation
  • 1:30 (EST) – Destin GerekEnding the Battle of the Sexes
  • 2:00 (EST) – Dr. Jen LandaWomen, Hormones and Sex
  • 2:30 (EST) – Veronica MonetA Deeper Dive Into Sexuality and Partnership
  • 3:00 (EST) – Sol SebastianMen, Sex and Power
  • 3:30 (EST) – Jessica DrummondWomen and Pelvic Health
  • 4:00 (EST) – Mantak Chia – The Healing Tao and Sexuality

Hope it brings you something :-).

xx, Feeling