How is addiction present in my life?

Before watching: the Facebook pages are nice photo’s with inspiring texts and the comments say things like ‘you are so wonderful’, ‘you are so inspirational’ and ‘this is so deep’ etcetera. And then it continuous with a real lousy life. Exactly like I feel today. Trying  to get my life in order and it is not working! AND IT SHOULD WORK TODAY! NOW! 🙂

What happened? I promised the addiction counsellor that I would pick up The Plan again AND do a big part of my admin AND do 1 application and 1 contact for a possible assignment. I am doing it but also getting frustrated with myself. And then somebody through Facebook sends me this vid out of nowhere. Watch and laugh, or cry. Not sure yet… It is a beautifuly, insightful video / sarcastic piece of shit. Not sure either. 🙂

Happy that I quit. If only because otherwise I would still be drinking and have to carry bottles out.

PS: The man being dressed as a women is not an addition to the story (or maybe it is). It is just the format of the series.

Extensive blood test ok!

And another one in the series of ‘good news’; the extra ultra extensive blood test that has been done has is OK. Just a little high on the bad cholesterol and the potassium but nothing to worry about. They say the high Potassium could also come from the fact that I had to sit with this band around my arm for a long long time to get all the blood out. But I blame it on the Celtic salt I use which contains a lot of Potassium. Also; the real Potassium level of a body is difficult to determine in blood because the bandwidth is so small that the body will deplete every stock in the body in order to keep the blood level good. Bad Potassium levels influence the heart rhythm immediately. People with a longstanding history of drinking alcohol and not eating (their veggies or Celtic salt) typically have a low level of Potassium.

And… I would not be surprised that the standard for ‘good Potassium levels’ have been set AFTER the worldwide introduction of table salt which does not contain any Potassium at all (and is therefore bad, bad, bad).

I’m not going to worry about the cholesterol, that will work itself out. Need to read up on it because the whole ‘saturated fat is bad, it makes you fat and gives you heart diseases’ is not true. Sugar causes inflammation in the arteries and that causes heart diseases.  So I am confident that it will work itself out in a little while since I don’t drink alcohol and do not eat sugar anymore.  And excercise…

And now, will I be finishing of my stop-drinking-alcohol-the-nutrients-approach with taking extra nutrients? currently I am only taking multivitamin, omega 3 and kelp every second or third day. The kelp is because the Celtic salt contains little Iodine. Right now think I will take a half or a quarter of the dose of everything of the alcohol detox mix and then to continue with the anxiety/stress, memory and hypoglycemia mix. There is this thing where I don’t feel safe if I don’t do this. While actually I don’t have alcohol cravings and very few alcohol thoughts. I do have sugar cravings, even though I was very low on sugar anyhow. Today I ate 7 raisins. I feel like I cheated, it is like taking 7 drops of alcohol because of the alcohol…

Can hear my brother say in my head now: ‘You don’t need pills for hypoglycemia, you need them for insanity. 7 Raisins, yeah, ooooooooh, BAD!!!’

What I am curious about is how the part of ‘addiction is searching the solution from the outside’ comes up in here. I am guessing that my not really feeling ‘safe’ while I actually have no cravings has to do with the thought that quitting alcohol should be really difficult and hard and almost impossible. It has not been that way for me. But… they say quitting is not the hard part, staying quit is the difficulty. I would not know, I am not there.

Why is it that I lose trust in me now things work out to be easy and even in the extensive blood test there is no damage to be found? I guess it is because I actually feel like a phony. The mess I was in when I drank and now finding out how easy it finally was. It wasn’t about heroically fighting a dragon for days on end, hanging on to life and then finally winning in a last act of heroism. It was about letting go of a fake idea of good. I scare me a little because I keep on thinking that I must go flat on my face because this can’t be true. Well, got the time to proof me if The Plan is going to lead to A Job (or not?!).

And on the other hand, I did a lot of the quitting work before hand. Most of the goodbyes have been said before I actually quit. I think that really helped. I copied that method from Allan Carr’s book on quitting with smoking. He ‘allows’ the reader to smoke while reading the book so the anxiety of quitting does not interfere with their intelligence. I did that with reading up on alcohol AND starting with the home googled nutrient approach I developed for myself and the no sugar, no smoking, eating healthy part.

And….. being happy. Being happy is the strongest anti-dote to being unhappy. Which is a load of BS, but if works, it works. Happy that I quit. Do feel like I need to get a move on. Proud is out of the picture. Content is not happening because I have been writing here instead of doing yoga.

Have a nice day / evening!

15 Minutes alarm

Put The Plan out here today. And to remind me and check on me I set my (kitchen) alarm every 15 minutes. Put a sticker on the alarm to say I need to check what/how I feel, relax if I am not relaxed and check if I am following the plan. It’s my variation on the productivity check techniques I learned at business school :-).

The technique is working. I am not following the plan too well yet. I have spend I think 3 hours on The Plan while I actually needed those to do what was in The Plan. Pffffff. I still need 7 minutes of cleaning and 15 minutes of cupboard reorganising or so. AND I have not done any work for my GP3 meeting this Thursday. I did stick to my eating schedule which is good.

Deviations: blog reading and -commenting, Facebook chat, visiting the foundling to see if he had certain features a possible owner spoke off. He did not. Speaking with the new owners. Then speaking with an other neighbour that I handed the next pieces of carrot cake that I got from this domestic goddess man. (don’t tell…). And I had not counted in doing shopping.

What did I learn:

– I can plan a day including the evening but in the evening I want to do unplanned things. Could be the same but planning restricts me. So I’d better work harder during the day. Let’s see…

– I spend a lot of time doing things like blog reading and writing that I had not planned. Need to think about that.

– The more the day proceeds the less relaxed I get because I feel guilty that I have not stuck to my planning. There is another thing with me and work or planning or life: I can never be happy with what I did. It should have been better….

I will see what tomorrow brings. I’m gonna do my online anti-addiction training now and that’s it.

Happy that I quit, but it’s getting normal I guess. Not happy with how I deal with the plan yet but maybe I should give myself some time. I keep on thinking that I can hear you all think: Da fack?! Doesn’t have a job, can’t even plan 15 minutes of cleaning in a day?!! Well, that is where my struggle is. I let myself go for a long long time. Not proud anymore, getting myself down with The Plan. BULL!! I am doing exactly what I should be doing. This IS how it IS!! I can only leave from where I am. I need to remind me not to put the blame on me; this is exactly how strong alcohol is. And, it did get me at my weakest point guess. Well, there is no better time than now. (Or rather tomorrow….;-))

Answering my own blog

Hurt. Damage.

In my earlier post on addiction and blogging I was wondering about my way of writing. How I throw stuff ‘out there’, hardly do/did any censoring and treat people like speaking to a wall. The point is not so much in the throwing, well it is but the point is this sentence:

But that’s what I do, use peoples as a wall to talk to.

What!?!?! It would be sad enough if I said ‘use walls as people to talk to’. But the other way around? That is, rather disconnected. Hmmm. And what’s with the ‘peoples’? And ‘use’? And ‘talk to’ in stead of ‘speak with’?

I guess this is why I can write this blog and leave the crazy shit in it without censoring (too much). In my mind I can retreat in 2 seconds and delete it. Shit, haven’t looked up if I can actually delete the blog. In my mind nobody listens anyway so it does not really matter how crazy and unadjusted I am. That is some fucked up shit. :-(. Sigh. Sad now.

Came to realise this while reading up on trust and how families with addicted parents are crisis-focused. Works out that there are a whole lot of people out there that actually trust people and that people can generally be nice AND continue to be so because they are trustworthy. Didn’t know, thought it was only in LHOP.  But ‘Castastrophe muss nicht sein.’ it seems.

‘Do you trust people?’

‘Yes! Well, No. But I pretend I do. That makes it easier.’

Shitload of pretend behaviour around me. Keeping up appearances. I HATED that in my mother. Well, actually glad I did pretend because some of the intentions are destructive enough as they are. Aaah, drink craving. Fuck off!! You’ve done enough damage.

Image flush. Like seeing my life pass in front of me. Not rewinding this time, just circling. Whaaaaaa! Wheeeeheeeee! Damn, who needs shit when you’ve got yourself?

This just feels very appropriate now.

The sounds, the fun, the melody, the name of the original song, the overwhelming beat and most likely the empty hall 😦 and the person coming to set a stop to it all :-(. Not sure how the third person watching fits in. Ha! Should have wiki-ed that before I wrote it :-D. Gheghegheghe. No, not funny.

All in all happy that I quit and proud of it.

 

What is addictive in the blog

Sat outside, read Nakken and found out what is addictive in this blog. There is addiction in living in the blog, not in the real world. But I’m ok with that now, that’s fine. It has only been 3 weeks, I just need to add more living to my life.

Another part is the way I write. I throw it all out there. No ethics, no censoring (well a little, on my thoughts / fears on AA) and very little to no regard for what other people might feel. I keep peoples feelings in mind when reacting and replying but not in my own blog, does not always work but there is no undo or edit button on the replies. My Publish button is actually called  the ‘get it out of your system’ button. It works. But it is using peoples as objects, as

Now there’s a funny thought; I was going to write ‘wall to speak to’. Hmmmm…. sad now.

But that’s what I do, use peoples as a wall to talk to. The intention never starts of with ‘speak with’. Very little speak with. I expect people to talk to me when they disagree or want to tell their story and then I’ll listen, no problem there and that is when things evolve into a conversation. But the mindset is ‘talk to’. Sorry 😦

Guessing this one will stick with me for some time. It’s a family trait. I feel it is about not letting in, no two-way connection. Can I love, yes. Can I believe anybody can love me? No. Little two-way. Loads of closed doors and walls.

So that’s what I need to look into. Hmmm. Discomfort here.

And laugh it off again; just remembered I got this very nice book ‘The fine art of small talk.’ Bought it to develop some small talk skills for business events and seminars etc. very helpful, very good skill development book. Ghegheghe. This book thing is getting a bit strange. Come to think of it, that’s a family trait as well. But why reinvent the wheel? I know how much it takes to become an expert in a certain subject. And I am thankful to those that are experts in their field and share their knowledge and experience in a book, on the net, in groups or personal session, or in whatever way actually. I believe I paid 16 Euro’s for Craig Nakken’s book. It contains a lifetime of experience! Not buying into everything (yet?) but hey, I will not ask my money back for that :-D.

I learn well by reading. Even though it feels like I can hear everybody screaming by now ‘GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND START INTERACTING!’ Yes, yes, I will, I will… 😉

Blogging, just like real life, well sort of.

Ghegheghe, I’ve only been out in the sober blog world for about 2 weeks and as you might have read I noticed from day 4 or 5 that I had sort of replaced drinking with being online. It takes a hell of a lot of time to write, check, rewrite posts and commenting. Which is good, time spent thinking is time without drinking, or so. 😀 But the time it takes and ooh, the commenting to other peoples posts; making sure I get all the I-statements right, deleting all the preaching, deleting all the smartass replies, deleting all the non of the ‘I’ve read this book and….’, deleting exclamation marks and uppercase, deleting all the jokes that might be misunderstood or go down the wrong way. It takes ages. I have not come to writing ‘I’ in lower case, that seems to be A Thing but I don’t understand The Thing, and looking at my character I guess it takes about 37 years before I can change to lowercase. Sigh and sigh.

And even then… yesterday I replied with something on my brainwashing technique; if I notice negative repetitive thoughts I try to reverse them, see what it does to me, see where it hangs onto etc. I thought I saw somebody losing energy on repetitive negative thinking so I explained how I try to deal with that. And she replied: Yes! I’ll try to think more positive! Which of course is what, somewhere down the line, I said, but shit, I would never, ever, ever!! tell somebody that they ‘just need to cheer up and think positive’. Sorry Annie! It’s a can of worms and I think that maybe I should not be pulling them open unless I’ve got my power issues fixed. I feel so clumsy in this field. But how can I fix my issues if I don’t live? Go out, meet people, blog, reply? I wish I could say my intentions are good but having a major issue with power…. they happen to be not. It’s not that I deliberately try to out power people and have the intent to hurt, but I need to really take action not to. Guess that’s good-ish. Now get the knowledge, practise the skills.

Why? Because I want to be here, it is good for me. And I want to be able to comment, I want to try to share, learn to take in and take out equally. I don’t want to have written a comment, read back and think; I am not helping, I am just showing off, making sure I am noticed. Helping in itself of course is tricky because it also says: I know this stuff better than you / you are not coping, I see that. Or maybe, very maybe that is not that bad, to lend a hand so now and then. Dunno yet. I guess it’s all about the intentions. Got some work to do.

Once we went on a holiday where we kept scores of the people in the group. I ended up nr 1, 2 and 3 in the helpful category and nr 1, 2 and 3 in the anti-social category. Looking back, the anti-social behaviour was all about booze…

Soooooo, hey! I’m perfect now!!! 😀

Well, this is my blog helloooo. I can do the smartass stuff here.