The issue of issues

My fight with sugar has brought me to what I feel is the main issue of my addictive personality; self-hatred. I feel so awful that I have difficulty leaving the house because I feel everybody has the right to hurt me. This is comparable to the mode I walked around when experiencing what I call my rock-bottom before quitting drinking.

A lot of my behaviour is comparable too. Not opening my mail, not taking care of stuff, not taking care of myself. Hiding for other people. Cancelling appointments with friends over a ‘headache’. The headache is real all right… I just wonder why it leaves immediately after I cancel the appointment. :-/ No actually, I do not wonder.

I think that I, even though I have 3 years plus of sobriety, have not made certain steps. Haha, no pun intended but actually, this is what it comes down to: I have not worked through issues which would have been addressed if I had done some sort of program. I think to know by now that I would not have succeeded in staying sober if I would have had to deal with others including mentoring. So in a way that is good. But now I feel I need to do more. It is time to do more.

On the interwebs I read somebody protesting against the idea of being powerless towards alcohol. I have always very much disliked this notion and in a rather slippery way transformed this thought to ‘I am powerless when alcohol is in my body, I am not powerless over it getting into my body’. Which is very much true. It also is a way for me to exactly NOT realise that I have experienced powerlessness in my life and I do not want to be reminded of that again. People who push the issue of powerlessness therefore are immediately archenemies. Because that is what any person did who violated my boundaries; make me feel powerless on purpose. So 12 steps was never considered.

Not sure how to bridge to the following paragraph but I have written illogical stories before so here I go. 😉 Today I FINALLY tried an excercise called ‘feeding your demons‘. The title might be a little misleading, it is about feeding and, well, hugging lost parts of the self which have turned against what we consider to be our daily self. Aah, here is the link: I felt so powerless that I stood with the back to the wall and could not do anything else but face the facts.

It is difficult. I do not want to accept I hate myself. I prefer to deny it so I can experience it less. But the shadow walking next to me has become too strong. Even now my heart is pounding like crazy and tears are streaming. Thinking of you reading this. Feeling like you would all be saying: “I knew she was not worth it. Being all stuck up and know it all, ha! Now look at how miserable she really is.”

No, I do not expect you to really say that. Or if you do, you do. These are ‘just’ projections of mine. It tells me how I think and feel about myself. I had a short talk with that part today. Here is how it went.

“I hate you! I HATE YOU!!! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING FOR ME!!! My whole life! Ever since you were born I hate you. You are exactly what makes my life unbearable. You are so unfinished, so incomplete, so utterly boundaryless, so disgustingly physical that NOBODY LOVES YOU! And because of you they do not like me either!!! I HATE YOU!! You are one big open wound, everybody sees that you are strange and everything can touch you and hurt you and I have to live with that! It is all your fault!”

“I am listening.” (and crying, can’t breathe, throwing up)

“You think everybody has hurt you but it is because you are so stupid!!! You do not listen to yourself!!! You always knew when the trouble came and you never listened. It is your own fault!!! You hurt me!!!”

“I had no clue….”

“That is NOT TRUE!!!”

“I, I don’t know what to say, I always knew. But I did not know how to act. I was scared. I thought that if I stood up for myself they would hurt me more. I knew that if I would run they would like that.”

“But you knew up front. And you were curious.”

“I was in love.”

“You mixed up love with power. You fancied the darkness of them, that is what attracted you.”

“Yes. And then I got caught up in a destructive game which I did not know how to end or escape.”

“I warned you over and over again.”

“I heard you. I did not believe it. I did not want to believe it was this dark.”

“You are stupid. You just emit sex because that is who you are and everybody knows that. They see it, they feel it. That is why you got harassed 5 times on an evening. That is why the women at your workplaces were after you. They pick up on that. And because you do not recognise it they will make you.”

“What can I do to change this?”

“Close yourself off for fuck’s sake and shut up!!”

And then the ‘other me’ let me feel my lack of energetic boundaries to the outside world and it is painful. Somehow my control issue popped up, the part where I intervene in other people’s life no matter if something is my issue, no matter if it is relevant. Tried to feel through that. It is difficult. I realise that I do so to control my surroundings. Again experiencing that I put myself out of my core, continuously scanning my borders for dangers. While if I were to stay ‘inside’ myself, I would feel way more grounded and most likely would not have to be so aggressive and intervening towards others.

I did not get further than this. The idea behind feeding your demons is that you get to talk with them and then come to integrate them. Obviously that did not happen but I now know better what parts of me dislike about parts of me. 😦 I am still fighting the idea that I myself am responsible for what happened to me. Not sure if I should go along with this thought; if it were somebody else saying this I would answer that it is blaming the victim. On the other hand, I should not deny the fact that I often knew upfront things would go wrong. I ‘just’ got so sucked into it and did not know how to refers it. It is like a black hole. Aaah, like being born; nowhere to go but into that painful tunnel of life and death.

Like the time my brother and I got threatened to be killed by a guy with a knife. I was 4 or 5 I believe. I knew from a distance which felt like 500m (550 yard) that these older kids were trouble. I just did not know how to stop it. Sucked into a black hole. And my brother would not believe me anyhow. Looking back the distance must have been no more than 200 m (220 yards) because the park was not that big, but still. These vibes. I was like a rabbit looking in the headlights of the oncoming car. Does anybody with situations of abuse/aggression in their past recognise this?

I wonder why the word ‘just’ pops up so often… there is something about this, I have written something about it somewhere, it is important. It might be because it is dismissive, or in speech I try to jump over something by using the word ‘just’. I can not understand it now.

Things are sore at this end of the wire. My whole body feels like an open wound. But somehow some of the weight is off my shoulders. Funny.  I would not have thought that. Parts of the first paragraph of my conversation with the demon are gathered from things my mother expressed to me. She did so publicly. My father then dragged him away and she scratched his face open. All my fault. :-/ She blamed me for developing cancer. I must have been 13 or 14, possibly 15. My heart hurts. Years later, when I threw that back at here in the same company as earlier she denied everything fiercely while my brother and father backed me up. She totally panicked. I remember we had all been drinking, not sure if that is true. It has been true for a lot of bad family gatherings though.

And now, here I am, partially feeling sorry for myself, partially happy because I faced this part of me, let some air in even though I realise things are still festering. Not knowing how to continue. Well, ha, I do know how to close myself off actually. Or I know I can learn because I know I can get to the feeling where I prefer to live in this openness. I ‘just’ don’t want to. I feel locked up. Trapped. It makes me realise I am alive. I don’t want to be alive. When I am alive I need to be responsible and I can get hurt and criticised. Shit I’m lazy…. This eternal heaven of being in the womb calls to me.

Ok next thought: I try to perfect my work mode so I do not have to work on me internally. I ‘just’ (?) forced myself to live with the idea of working on this difficult part of closing myself energetically and guess what: “If you want to do that, that is ok, but then we move to a place where this is possible.” Meaning a natural place in a natural society with… nature, not a crowded city which only develops neuroses  and unhealthy coping mechanisms in people. Interesting. Funny what comes up when I listen. Not sure how to change this in my life though. :-/

Well, that was quite an experience.

The business plan contest people do not pick up the phone (called about 8 times) and do not answer my e-mails. According to the online program the first group of possible winners has already started a boot camp so I guess… I’m not in. Shame. Possibly. I have not been working on my project or anything these days. I have been crushed by self-hatred. The issue of issues. 😦

I am happy that I quit drinking in a very dark way. I would not have lived anymore. Not sure if that is such a loss but imagine if I had been drinking and felt so bad there would be no way out at all. Currently I also think there is not much difference between being death and alive. I fear that dying just (?) means I have to do the same stuff somewhere else, but without the body.  Aah, bother. And now, no matter how hard it is, I could possibly find a ‘way out’. 🙂 Said the addict. Always, always looking for the way out. 🙂

It is time for progress because this trampling in the dark is making my heart wear out.

I hope you are happy that you quit. 🙂  A woman who loves herself would possibly show compassion. I also think she would help the little kid to learn boundaries and self-preservation. My mother did not allow me boundaries when it came to self preservation. Literally not. That time where she said she would protect me from the friends of my brother and then forced me to undress in front of them. And later, when I asked her for help when they attacked me again, with the special words we had worked out between the two of us, she brushed me off, telling me not to bother her. How do I live with that? I feel very destructive currently. No wonder I think people ridicule me when I ask for help. That has been the real experience. And it has all settled as patterns in my behaviour. And, like my mom, I learned to take the only way left out: becoming ill, becoming soft, weak, depressed, overworked and alcoholic. Patterns.

Ha, this is a very uplifting post, not? Ghegheghe…. sigh…. so….. who am I without my story? Without all the patterns I looked for, accepted or got put on me? This immense need for drama, the eternal continuation of fight-flight-freeze patterns in my life. Can I do without? I’m guessing they give me an idea of boundaries. The fog around the black hole. Which, in practise is not possible but, well, as an image it suffices.

Ok: I actually do think that patterns and the related e-motions (that what sets me in motion) have been uncovered. And no matter how dark this post, actually, within that darkness I feel more free and more safe because I do not need to live in denial about my self hate anymore. I do not have to use all this force to ‘not know’. Not sure how to continue but I guess thing will enfold. Let go and let god. 🙂 And work on what I can do. Like meditating. I have been doing so for 20 plus minutes every morning for 1,5 months now. Guess all this darkness turning to light stems from that.

There ar loads of things I can do. Trying to empower myself here, never works somehow 😀 Aah ja, again, I can only do stuff with my back to the wall. Well, rock-bottom is a solid ground to build on and I guess I will choose this way of learning untill the pain of doing it so gets greater than the assumed advantages. I still can not force me to do stuff. Will power = zilch. Aaah yeah, I can try the ‘what would a woman who loves herself do?’ track more often. Things went well for me when I did that.

Ok! If you got this far: thanks for reading and being with me in my dark hours. If you skipped to the last paragraph: I understand. :-D.

A woman who loves herself would allow herself to love herself.

“I am sorry I hate you.”
“I am sorry I did not take better care of you.”

xx, Feeling & shadow

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Online summit mindfulness & meditation

Hello,

Soundstrue organizes another (free) online summit on the subject of mindfulness and meditation. Sign up here. Start date is the 22nd of January.

I am happy that I quit drinking. I am currently taking another dive into my now selfdiagnosed sugar addiction. The hangovers are getting more obvious, the low moods, the lack of confidence, the cravings, the lying to myself – it is all there. Again… I was doing great and then life happened and I was not prepared so back to the chocolate – and you will not be surprised to hear that it came in a larger quantity. :-/

So, I am happy that I quit drinking but more in a tired way. Now I need to continue. Not sure where and when. Working on it. On and off.

A woman who loves herself would make more of an effort to love herself I guess. I have been torturing myself over not knowing what direction to take when it comes to working. No clue. Business idea was a good idea, when I was on a pink cloud of not eating sugar. Then I went back and everything became stupid. :-/ Not sure if they are related but it seems so similar. And so she said while taking another sip of the 3rd glass of sugared soft drink.

Last night I dreamed that I was spending time with a neighbour of mine. She drinks at dangerous levels. It was a horrible dream where I knew I did not drink but because of the sugar thing I kept on falling back into that addictive state of mind. Nasty. Very clear. Very nasty vibe of addiction. Strange thing is that I know I currently do not have the stamina to stop – but also: the addiction keeps the stamina from ‘growing’. It actually eats in on me – well, apart from where it makes me fat. 😀

The difference between ‘need’ and ‘desire’ is difficult for me. :-/

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening,

xx, Feeling

Peer pressure – and that at my age…

Yesterday I was at a fair with several booths selling alcohol free drinks. One booth had a tasting going on. The drinks were not soda drinks but alcohol free imitations which were made with alcohol and then the alcohol got extracted. The guy abruptly moved into my personal space and without introduction asked me if I wanted to have a taste. More like: “DO YOU WANT TO TASTE!!!!?” My boundaries went up abruptly and I spat out a semi polite “No!!!”

Then I realised that was not such a nice reply and that I might be needing him in the future so I continued with “Thank you, but I would like some information about your company.” He started to walk off at the first word and then, reluctantly turned around again. Very unpleasant. I noticed internally that I did not want this ‘bad feeling’ to exist and that I wanted to be liked. Also, I had refused because I was scared. And because of his reaction I suddenly felt a sissy, a prude, an alcoholic with issues about trying AF. So I asked for his most popular product and he gave me a tasting glass.

I tasted one tiny, tiny, 3 drop zip of a supposed alcohol free wine. It tasted so real, you could have fooled me. I was flabbergasted to the point of freaking out internally.  Well, I am afraid he did fool me because when I asked if there really was no alcohol in it, he became vague and suddenly could not find the bottle he had poured it from. I could imagine a guy having worked for an AF-ish company for 10 years would know how much his most sold product contains – not?

So I handed it back to him and said: “Well, this is not for me because I do not like alcohol and this tastes way too much like alcohol. But compliments for the efforts, I would not have picked this out as alcohol free. That is quite exceptional. ”

By the way, for anybody wondering what I just said there: I did not mean that. I do not mean to compliment somebody on serving something which tastes like alcohol but presumably does not contain it. Or only contains a little. Obviously one can argue that it might be a good product for blablabla whatever situation. But… they all come down to ‘not being able to go without the taste’ or ‘not wanting to feel left out’. And those are 2 thoughts which actually promote the addictive state of this society – to my not so humble opinion.

So I learned three things:

1: AF imitations are not for me.

2: I presume that using AF imitations keeps people in the ‘drinking mode’ – but obviously one has to find that out yourself. I would say: stay on the safe side of sorry.

3: I experienced peer pressure I did not know I was sensitive to. And I reacted like I was 14 years old all over. Patterns, patterns, patterns, sigh :-). I learned now, again, to trust my instincts and if a guy looks like an asshole, breathes asshole vibes, talks like an asshole, he probably IS an asshole. Or, when put that while taking more responsibility for my own presence: When a person scares me with his/her behaviour, it is good to take note of that, stay alert and see if there is any evidence for this feeling. If his/her behaviour continues to be/feel destructive to me, I must find a way to either put it to a halt or not deal with this person. If that is not possible; take some distance by going to the toilet or something, recompose and then go back into the situation.

I am happy that I am sober otherwise I would have never realised what was going on. 🙂 And also, I would not have noted that the principle of “You can take a kid out of high-school, but you can not take the high-school out of the kid.” Still works for me. I fear that I, at that age, became the bully who told others they were sissies when not drinking. Sorry to the world 😦

I am happy that I quit. I feel so much better. To that: I am back on the chocolate again. Not sure what happened. Feeling the heartburn, the palpitations and the lack of stamina it gives me quite clearly now. It brings shame.

A woman who loves herself would quit eating chocolate. I don’t want to. I want to stay small and insignificant and unclear and in the clouds. I don’t want to grow up. The upside is: if I quit I am so much more aware and effective and present. And I experience growth again and things NEW which I have missed. And then there is this small voice saying: “But I have never done something with the end in mind?! I can’t do stuff because it is good for me?! I can only not do stuff because it is bad for me and because I feel ashamed that keeping on doing looks bad.”

Now that is some info I will leave here to rest because I can not deal with knowing it, with realising it. Currently my head goes in flight mode. Hmmm, I guess that is what addiction is like. Interesting. And gone. Suddenly cleaning the house is really important! 🙂

Wishing you a good sober weekend!

xx, Feeling

Standard unit of alcohol differs per country

Just found out that the worldwide standard unit for alcohol differs per country. That is so strange.  The UK has a 8 gram glass but the Canada and the US have a 13,6  and 14 gram standard. This is from Wikipedia:

Definitions in various countries

The amount of alcohol is stated in the table in both grams and millilitres. The number of standard drinks contained in 500ml (16.9 fluid ounces) of beer of 5% ABV (a typical large drink of beer) is stated for comparison.

Country Mass (g) Volume (mL) 500 mL of 5% ABV beer is
Australia 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Austria 20 25.3 1.0 standard drinks
Canada 13.6 17.2 1.4 standard drinks
Denmark 12 15.2 1.6 standard drinks
Finland 12 15.2 1.6 standard drinks
France 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Germany 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Hong Kong 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Hungary 17 21.5 1.2 standard drinks
Iceland 8 10 2.5 standard drinks
Ireland 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Italy 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Japan 19.75 25 1.0 standard drinks
Netherlands 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
New Zealand 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Poland 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Portugal 14 17.7 1.4 standard drinks
Spain 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Switzerland 12 15.2 1.6 standard drinks
United Kingdom 8 10 2.5 units of alcohol
United States 14 17.7 1.4 standard drinks

I am happy that I quit. Today mostly because I don’t want to have to do that all over again. Because of Dry January there are a lot of people sweating it over not drinking. Reading that I think back and realise it is so nice not to wake up and thinking “OMG! What did I drink last night?!”

For anybody who is having trouble, see if you can find some inspiration in this:

“The longer you do not drink, the stronger you will get and the more cravings will fade.”

“If you drink now, all the time you have spent sober is wasted and you have to do that again.” (which is true, and from other points of view not true – but take it as true because you WILL at some point have to deal with what is happening when you have a craving. Might as well be now. 😉 Actually, there is no other time than now. 🙂 )

“Cravings, in general, last six minutes.” So you might want to go do something else. Like clean out the dishwasher or empty a drawer and clean the bottom or clean the outlet of your washing machine. When was the last time you cleaned the rack or lines on which you hang your washing? Huh? Maybe your Christmast tree is still out. You can start taking it down till you are ok and then continue when another craving comes. 🙂 Or take your time to start your own blog! You do not have to post what you write. Or you could go do the free online alcohol desensitization course I did too. Trying to work through the manual alone will not allow your mind to wander anywhere else. 😀

A woman who loves herself would take a break from working and blogging now and have real break. So, leaving you here.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day.

xx, Feeling

0:00 deadline surfing

Handed in my business plan for my project in a contest. The deadline was 7 january 2018. I handed it in at 0:00. Worked my ass off to get it done. Obviously my computer got stuck at the last moment on an update. Now I’m not sure if I’m ‘in’ or out. Ghegheghe… I guess this case will give the people at the receiving end a moment to think about as well. We shall see.

I am happy that I quit. If I had not quit I would not be able to pull off writing a business plan in 9 hours. And I would be worrying about all kinds of details and it not being perfect while now I sort of enjoyed racing against the clock and seeing where I would end up. I worked standing, that helps too. 🙂 Very addicty all in all, this on an off button I have.

If I get anywhere with this it would mean a coming out as ‘ex-drinker’. If I make it to the top 10 it would be in the Dutch press. Ghegheghe…. so I think…. I should be looking for some support just to make sure I keep on being stable. Why not go from total anonymity to nationwide exposure in a few days… Luckily they are bound by secrecy and I can always withdraw the plan when I can not deal. I hope. Friend said so. Did not check… hmmm…

I intend to write out replies to negative comments from people in the coming days. I have these conversations in my head where people react with disdain to me having (had) issues with alcohol. I need to find myself in that to not be flustered by them and harden myself a little – while staying flexible and making sure I judge things well. Well, yeah, I sort of want to give myself media training so I feel safer. And keep my blood pressure down in contact with the non-believers.

The product/idea I want to sell is related to addiction. In order to sell it to the public and the board of the award I want to do an anonymous, digital privilege walk where the ACE’s are points in which you ‘score’ or not.  ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. The more ACE points someone scores, the higher the risk of e.g. becoming depressed, developing substance abuse, being raped at later age, teen pregnancies, financial issues,  suicide attempt and the whole list of everything nasty shit including e.g. developing COPD.

Or maybe I’ll draw up common thoughts and expressions about alcohol and substitute the word ‘beer’ and ‘wine’ and ‘drink’ by banana. That is hilarious and really shows what people are saying. “Yeah, well, I really wanted to leave but she offered me a new banana so…. well, you know, it was one of those nights and finally I ended up in bed at 03:00 hours. I’m never gonna eat bananas again.” Gheghegheghe…. that would be hilarious and link nicely with the product I am selling which is about awareness for the common people so to say.

Well, that was quite an experience. Now it is 02:25 hours here and I still need to make my bed. Which I shall do as a good girl. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am exploring some boundaries again and I notice that I like it. I am not expecting all too much from the competition but it would make contacting several organisations so much easier so that would be nice. No matter what, I have given myself til the end of january to work the plan out. If I have not managed to get certain people aboard by then I need to go looking for a job. Wish me luck! 🙂

A woman who loves herself would be more proud of what she had done. But most of all she would have started earlier and not have Netflixed 2 hours yesterday. But then again: I can not work when things inside me are not working with me. I needed to find that spot from where I could speak. And it happened only at 15:00 today so… that’s that. Forcing it is not an issue. I know that. And still…

Well, bedtime. Wishing you a nice sober week!

xx, Feeling

Emotional sobriety

I think I have come to the point where I can say that for me, with my addictive personality and the way my body reacts to things I can not be emotionally sober without quitting sugar. As far as I know myself I can not do the in-between, I always do ‘yes’ or ‘no’. typical addict trait, typical trait of a person with vanishing twin syndrome.

I do not have it in me to stop right now I think. But I will continue this because I need 100% of me for my project. So I will continue to deal as I started when quitting drinking: Keep on writing down the questions that come up. Try to find answers to what is most pressing. Breaking things up into small bite size pieces. ‘How to stop drinking  / quit eating sugar?’ becomes:

How can I stop drinking? I don’t know.

How would I learn? -> I would ask somebody who has stopped drinking. Or people who tell others how to stop drinking.

I don’t know where to find these people? -> Google Is Your Friend.

But then my computer history is going to be about drinking and I don’t want that to be so obvious. -> How do I delete / turn of the internet surf history -> Ask your teenage boy/girl…. 😉 or the help page of your browser.

Ooh my, there are so many organisations. Where do I go? -> write down what you like, go with your gut feeling or sort on price or Google for ‘compare detox centres’ or something like that.

Hey, there are several way to deal with quitting drinking. How do I choose? -> Inform yourself well and given time you will come up with what suits you best.

And in the whole process things like this pop up: There are organisations which help people. Do I need help? NO!!! At which moment I think to notice self-sabotage. So: ok, is that true? If I look at it from the outside it is probably not true. But I don’t want to get help because it will make me feel addicted and I do no want that? Am I addicted? How much do other people drink? (Google is your friend) What is a safe maximum of drinks. Oooh, 14, that is ok, I only do X. Ooh! 14 Is per week. Aaah…. Hmmm :-/ Ok. I need some time to adjust here. Let’s take a …. oh no… Gosh! I might actually have a problem?!

Googling stuff works, but sometimes also brings one further from home than is functional. And specifically being open to examine the internal sabotage helps immensely. Then at some point things fall into place. And with that; keep on starting over and over and over again till you are where you need to be.

Or as they say 😉

goodjudgmentcomesfromexperience

But hey! todayisthefirstdayoftherestofyourlife

And at some point the shit that weighs you down will not allow you to feel like there is a future. It is important to deal with shit in your life. Also, it is important to ever when you are ready, realise that you ARE not the shit in your life. You are NOT what happened to you.

considerforamomentwhatyoucallyourpersonality

Nobody ever woke up saying: “I want to be an addict.”. Ever.

I realise that if I ‘just’ quit sugar I would safe myself a whole lot of time. 😀 Not sure if I can. Not pushing. I am pushing the no chocolate to a certain extend but not the no sugar. Yet.

I am very happy that I quit. Specifically now I feel progress within me again. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would go do what she planned to do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober weekend!

xx, Feeling

The spiral of learning

Learning. My ´no chocolate´ diet is running for about 7 days now and suddenly I get the urge to walk to the shop and get some. So I thought I would go here and write. Not about chocolate. But about what I do not want to learn.

Learning comes to me in several different types.

Sometimes I learn from other people’s mistakes. That is pretty comfortable. Sometimes I learn by insight. That would be like lightning hitting me and I change my ways. Or reading a book and suddenly getting the picture. That is how I quit drinking alcohol.

Currently I am unemployed and trying to build a living again. While meditating, a 3 year old idea for a project sprung up. It is the only thing on my path currently. So to me it feels like The Thing I should do. Who am I to go against the flow?

The project is related to alcohol use in society. For that I need contacts with big organisations in the field. It would be one of the biggest things I have ever done. I give myself a month to get it going and get the main players interested in the project. I think I can do it.

Well, all good so far. And then I start. I usually work by getting an idea of the field; what, who, where and why. I set up an Excel file and throw all the keywords in there till I start to see a structure and organise by subject. I have put a deadline because I do not want to fool myself.  Then I apply priorities and then…. things start to crumble. 🙂

I’m browsing the net, trying to get an idea of the players in the field in order to sort out whom to contact. And then I read about a project somebody did, and the project is related to another organisation which has an online test which might be interesting to include in my project. Now the test leads to an online training. For the online training I need an e-mail address. I do not want to use my Feeling’s address because I need anonymity here. So I make an e-mail address. The e-mail address needs to have meaning which defines the intentions of the project. So I write out the intentions of the project in my keywords file. I eat and I overeat while working. I get nauseous, I want to get my homeopathic stuff for that but I ran out. So I order online. If I have to pay money for shipping I might as well see if I am down on others as well. So I alphabetized 80 pots and work out what I need and place an order.

I enter the training. The training has a contact person. As I said before I want to get to know the branch so I am thinking of a contact management system. Obviously NOT through LinkedIn and here we go, I spend 2 days online testing free online management systems. While writing this I checked out if I could change the icon of a contact person to a photo in the online system.

In order to follow ‘Dry January’ in the UK I need Twitter, so I set up a project Twitter. I want to like them on Facebook, so I set up a project FB account and so on and so forth. One week later, I have a whole lot, but I have the feeling I did not further myself.

While this all happens I follow all kinds of ‘quitting’ projects online with my normal Facebook, mainly the ones about smoking. Because my project will entail (well, if it all…. ) social media I have to learn to deal with the negativity that is out there too. I practice on sites which are about quitting smoking. Before I would well, you know me, kill and attack if I found opposition. I hope to learn to judge correctly if it is worth my time to say something, find a tone which does not ‘throw oil on the fire’ (Dutch saying) and keep my blood pressure down at the same time. Currently I am there where I realise that I am getting upset. 🙂 I should be finding standard replies and list them in my file.

Yesterday the hug-buddy came along. For the project I am working out I need to stay on top of my game because I feel that any disturbance to my equilibrium might really get me off track. I feel I need to walk the narrow road when it comes to ethics. Being hug-buddies with a married guy is not good. Might sound funny but I feel it corrupts me. Yeah. There I am, many years without any sex or hints at it and really enjoying the more or less sexy hug-buddy man and then ‘things inside me change’ without even thinking about it and I look at him thinking: we should not do this. Obviously we did do ‘this’ but is was only the hug-part not with the tiny hint of sexy. He is starting to realise that my priorities have shifted. Well, so much for the tiny hint of sexy.

Ok, all that happens and it gets me off track again and again and again. I got restless with the low results of my work. First I start making more tea. Then I start eating this, and that, possibly early lunch/dinner, more toiletting, more disliking myself, more being distracted by everything and I ended up going to the store and getting a bar of chocolate with chips. It is funny how I could fool myself that it is a decision. But my addictive personality has built up this large, imagined need for chocolate and the want for chocolate walks on the same road as the want for chocolate sobriety. And it makes this urge feel like a rational choice. I find this so interesting (and effing irritating). It is through this process that denial can become so big. Because I was walking to the shop feeling in control. This is so amazing. I remember doing that when drinking and I did not want to think about it. Now I stayed sort of ‘monitoring’ myself until I became too uncomfortable. It is amazing.

So… to learning: I feel that learning about a certain issue comes to me like a spiral. Imagine the ‘Truth’ or ‘Knowledge’ in the middle and a spiral of learning experiences coming from outside in. It seems that every time I learn something and integrate it, it comes back in a new version in which I see different aspects of it. Like with the chocolate, I can now see how the urge presents itself as a decision to fake an impression of control. Also, I have quit drinking but after the concussion 1,5 years ago I got sloppy and really got into transfer addictions. So, as any addiction which goes unchecked it gets worse. And then, with the knowledge I have now I can (could/should) approach it.

What I know now is that I have not really really decided to stop. Haha, which… is exactly what I said every 180 days of the last half-year of drinking that I did a day 1, or so.

A friend told me, as Anne once did, that sugar is not the enemy. That is true. But I made it dangerous for me. So I need to do something. Monitoring it is ok for now.

Edit: what happenend after eating 80 grams of chocolate and drinking 1 ginger beer is that I got all depressed and was sobbing in front of my computer ‘because’. Because…. because of ‘everything’. And the whole project was useless while I believed in the whole day and nothing had changed in between – apart from me ‘deciding’ to eat chocolate. And suddenly I was worthless and useless and nothing would work. 😦 It is amazing.

I did not get as ill as I did 2 weeks ago after eating it. Guess there is a build up too. I was getting heart palpitations from one bar of chocolate. Also a lot of brain fog and shortness of breath. That’s when I have taken it too far I guess. 😦 I keep on going back to the believe that my body deals very badly with sugar and that it is of the utmost importance for my spiritual health that I quit drowning myself in food things – chocolate and other. And you know, I wish i HAD started a year ago according to:

a year from now

So what did I do? I ate chocolate. Then I realised: No matter how hard I am failing right now at getting it done, I think I can do it. So this is the way. And what is in the way, is The Way. And I got out my Bach remedies and looked for something to help me focus.

Currently taking:

Scleranthus: for people who’s Life’s energy is fragmented due to a shocking experience. I feel I have that all my life due to my vanishing twin brother. I am good at starting energy and then I, lose it all because I can not focus. This was not so apparent in my job because there were deadlines.
Cerato: about collecting info, and collecting more info to be sure, and collecting some more info just to be absolutely sure. That would be me.
Elm: for feeling overwhelmed. I wondered if my eating addiction was not partially a solution to being easily overwhelmed. If I get overwhelmed by info, or stray energy going everywhere, I eat to ground myself. We shall see.
Agrimony: general Bach remedy for what I would call an addictive personality. And well, for everything I have written above.
Chestnut bud: for not learning, for doing the same stupid thing over and over again.

I am happy that I quit. I also realise that the work is not over yet.

A woman who loves herself would, ha, she would possibly have remembered that loving herself could be a valid option instead of eating chocolate. Ok. Ok. Learning spiral. The hardest thing to learn: self-care, that it is ok to take care of me. That no matter how useless, worthless, ugly, ridiculous any person might think I am, I have the right and the duty to take care of me. I have the right to love myself and to make the best decision for me because I care. A lot of that is theory. I wonder why exactly it is so difficult to achieve just that which is most important.

That is because I give it no importance. Because to care for me contradicts what, in essence, I believe about me. Gosh, how did this start out positive and end here? Ghegheghe….

Ok. I am happy that I quit. I find it difficult to not be influenced by all the drink thingies I see online now I am searching the web for my project. So I guess I will do another series of the free online alcohol desensitization course I started out with when I quit drinking. Just to get away from having to fight impulses. It is funny in a not funny way how images can stir up old urges. I am thinking that being bombarded with images of drink and drinking is not good for the soul. It feels spiritually unsound. Not sure if that is ‘only’ because I have a bad relation with alcohol.

Aah, I drifted off again. A woman who loves herself would go to bed right now.

Wishing you a good sober weekend!

xx, Feeling