Free online summits

RECOVERY 2.0
The free online summit Recovery 2.0 will start again on Wednesday the 14th! Yay!

For those who are new to online summits:

  • interviews of 30 to 90 minutes with people are knowledgeable in their field
  • every interview is available for 24 hours online
  • mostly all the interviews are available again the last weekend/2 days
  • free of charge (but you will be guided along pricelists for buying the information for keeping)
  • informative, beautiful, experiences
  • keep your notebook (printscreen button?) at hand so you can draw up a To Read booklist.

In the Recovery 2.0 online summit do not miss out on Dr. Gabor Maté, he might give off a  difficult to watch impression of severe depression but please listen him out. He knows his stuff.

MEDICAL INTUITION SUMMIT

Just found this and I am very excited! Caroline Myss speaks with great clarity about vage energetic feeling stuff. YES! She says things like ‘Recognising the signs that your body gives off is a basic survival skill’. Amen to that! I imagine: this is where we got ill from alcohol and did not listen. 🙂 Also she says that feelings are important indicators. YES, my kind of summit. Hope to get some clarity there. I am good at feeling, bad at losing myself in it. 🙂

Wishing you all beautiful learning opportunities.

I am happy that I quit otherwise I would have never gotten to this intuition summit and I think I need to learn stuff there.

A woman who loves herself would listen to her body and go to the toilet instead of typing here. She would also clean the house after that so she can feel good about herself. And she would QUIT eating chocolate because the bloodpressure is sky high with these heat and bad sleep here.

Enjoy!!!!

xx, Feeling

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. 🙂

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. 🙂 Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

Slogans

Abbieinwonderland wrote a beautiful post on sober ‘slogans’ – those things which you repeat or tell yourself in order to either understand something, or motivate yourself. After replying to Abbie I found that I would like to save this text as a post on my own page too. So here it is!

“What is in the way, is The Way” – which is a recovery slogan from Mary O’Malley who has written a book about it. It sort of means; if you get stressed from not drinking; work on the stress.

“I am happy that I quit” – which, gheghe, is obviously ‘by me’😀. I found that being happy about quitting opens a whole different set of possibilities in life in comparison to thinking it is all shitty. If I sit down to moan about it the first thoughts which appear are ‘Ooh, I might as well drink.’ While when I am happy, I am proud of myself, and happy.:-). The practise of getting to the point of being happy about quitting every day taught me what I actually really felt about it. Which refers back to ‘What is in the way…’

By the way: I am convinced that the thought that alcohol makes us happy is put in our brains by the alcohol industry/society. It is the result of being brainwashed. I take the time to unbrainwash me so I do not have to white knuckle it. It is the difference between trying to stop an oncoming train by hand or just stepping off the rails and watching it pass by.

“What would a woman who loves herself do?” – Teal Swan.
Not sure if it is a slogan but I use it repeatedly to find out what is actually going on. I found, with getting sober, that there are so many energetic / feeling currents under the surface which influence me – and which, I think are the ones that would make me drink if I were to drink – that I think it is necessary to become aware of them and to take care of me with that. Asking this question really helps me making sound decisions. At first I thought I would turn to watching movies at night and fat with eating chocolate. It works out that I put chocolate down and go to bed on time.

“The longer I do not drink, the weaker the addict within becomes.”

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’ – Gloria Steinem
I use this insight / slogan to realise that I am not the only one whose process pisses them off.:-)

“In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. – Robert Green Ingersoll.
I uses this insight / slogan to stabilize myself when I am hoping for rewards after having done something well or just to make me realise that this is how life works. THIS IS HOW LIFE WORKS. We have added all kinds of emotions and reward systems to this to guide kids in a ‘good’ direction but actually this is the only thing it comes down to.

“One moment at the time / The only thing I have to do is to not drink now in this moment.” On moment at the time is ‘my’ version of ‘one day at the time’. The second one comes from my therapist. (Hi :-)) These slogans helped me to go back to the moment I was living in, instead of looking forward, worrying about something in the future. Like the thought ‘Oooh, I can NEVER drink again!’ would sometimes get to me and then I would remember: No, I only do not have to drink right now. I can manage right now. I never liked ‘One day at the time, one day was way too long for me, that already stretches me into the future. When I do that I lose touch with my base and start to feel ‘out of it’ or unhappy or strange in many possible ways.

And there is: “Whatever it takes is what it takes.” I think I came up with that. Not sure. It is about thinking ‘Nah, I don’t really need ALL that self-care, nah, I don’t really, really need to eat healthy, I don’t really, really need to go to bed early because that would be ridiculous, if I were to need so much care…. pfff, that would be very ridiculous. Nobody else does it….’ I answer to myself: whatever it takes is what it takes.

I guess these are / have been the most important for me. Of which obviously the I am happy that I quit practise has helped me most in the beginning while now I start to feel that I need to take care of me on a deeper level and I continue with ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’.

Well, I’m going to press the publish button now, but obviously not without saying “I am SOOOOO happy that I quit! 23 Months ago (plus some days) I decided to stop. Shit I was scared but it was a do or die situation to me so I did. And I lived :-). Which, I guess, is good. I bought myself a real real nice pair of Teva sandals because the other ones were worn out after 10 years :-). I actually walked through the sole. 🙂 Is that how you say it? Probably not. I am enjoying every step on the Teva’s :-). Love this brand. Really good collection build up in hardness of the soles and support and durability. Very well done. As a maker of stuff it makes me happy to see brands which actually really think their collection through.

Can’t stop repeating: I am so happy that I quit. It probably sounds cheesy to you all after having heard this so many times but I am. Again and again and again. Life is tough, has been these weeks, more to follow on daily life but I am so happy that I am here and sober and experiencing the ups and downs.

Hope you enjoyed!
xx, Feeling

When will somebody find me?

This week I found a lost girl, 6 years old, she had ran away. Guess I also need to say that I brought her back where she belonged :-D. Today I spotted the 5th (?) lost cat since I came to live here 12 years ago. I took my own cat in from the street here. The cat is also happy that I quit :-). Sitting in the communal (is that the word?) garden trying to connect to the stray cat: ‘When will somebody find me?’ Think I have done too much bonding to the stray already since I am sad and lost and lonely. I would really like somebody to put me together again when I fall apart. Not sure if that is a good relationship description though… :-/

Worked today, working 5 days a week fulltime due to other peoples holidays. I’m in a different position now, I need to do a lot of counting and calculating of the top of my head. I am pretty good at that, or must say: I am pretty good at that when I am not under pressure. This job IS under pressure. I screwed up big time today. My boss says she will replace me tomorrow afternoon “Not because I think you do a bad job, but because I can not afford to have things turn to shit when I am not here.” Which I understand. But it feels not good. I think she meant it.

I did such stupid things today. And when I said “Sorry for botching up you going home early” He said: “I do not mind, you are new at this.” I could not believe his words! Ever since the last post I have been struggling with the concept of doing things wrong and NOT beating myself up for it. I NEED that because the beating myself up actually takes energy I do not have with the lingering concussion and the not so lingering  but very present: “I do not want to be alive because I am scared to do this wrong.” The stupid thing is: I am well educated, this is an un schooled job. I have difficulty doing it. Not because I can’t, but because I am afraid I can’t. So, I have good practise every day to ‘be in the moment’ otherwise I screw up. Every so many minutes I have to fight the urge to run away. I guess this is how I have learned to deal in life, I guess this is what I need to change. My head keeps singing “I don’t want to be here.” That is not only about the work I fantasise I do wrong but it is also about life. I go through life while not wanting to be here. I think that is my biggest karma issue. All the first chakra things I botch up.

And I can write about this on end but I need to get to bed if I want to be performing tomorrow. 🙂 And I want to. I want to learn to do this right because it is practise in wanting to be here, in this life, and to keep my head clear, not zone out, not fade out, not well, not that. I want to be clear. Oooh, I so do not want to be clear. Well, that. CONTINUOUSLY. :-D. Again I am exactly where I need to be.

I am happy that I quit. Damn I would have eeeeeew, drank a lot today if I had not. Brrrrrrr, nasty. I’m off to bed. And no chocolate btw for today! By the time I was done with the stray cat it was too close to bed time to have any. I checked with the woman who loves herself and she says that going to bed is more important than the spell check and editing. Hope it is not too horrible.

I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Chocolate does not equal taking care

Hi!

Wanting to say thank you to you all who have supported me in that dark period last week. I have learned a lot:

  • What other people say and do belongs to them. I do not have to take it in. I can listen and then decide wether or not to do something with it.
  • My boss is manipulative, mean and destructive. That is what she is. I need to take that seriously and not ‘hope’ that it may be different. Next to that she is also very nice, when it suits her. I do not have to change her. I do not have to take care of others. I only have to take care of myself.
  • Asking for help when in trouble is a good thing.
  • I need to remember my tools when I’m in a shitty situation. That is when I feel I don’t have a right to take care of me.
  • I have a pattern of beating myself up when I do something not to my liking. Beating myself up is not useful. I NEED to learn to also ask WWAWWLHD when in trouble.
  • There is a difference between pampering and taking care of myself. Chocolate does not equal care.
  • I have, in the last months, I guess ever since I quit seeing the bookstore man, stopped with ‘being aware’. I have been eating chocolate and dates, Facebooking, WordPressing and Netflixing. All to be ‘not aware’ of what I feel, of what is going on. I fear that being aware will kill me. But like alcohol, I realise now it is the not being aware that will get to me in the end. I obviously do not lack a sense of drama so to me thinking about changing this attitude feels as big as quitting alcohol. But my goal with quitting beer was to become clear. That includes quitting the other addictive behaviours.

Sometimes it feels like I am so close and other times I drown myself in stupidity. Today I was SO fed up with the dirty state of my house that I cleaned. Wow, that took a long, long time and I am not totally done yet. Every time I wanted to quit and eat chocolate I asked myself WWAWWLHD? And she would clean because she felt bad about an unclean house. 🙂 The whole ‘WWAWWLHD’ is such an eye opener! And ooh yeah, off topic: Teal Swan, the woman who introduced me to the question and who used it for herself for a year, is getting married today. 🙂

I think it has to do with allowing myself to choose for myself. Allowing myself to close off the rest of the world and take care of me. Allowing myself to take care of me. Period. Because I used to think that I was not worth taking care of. I still do, sometimes. But I am starting to realise that taking care of me is the ‘only way out’. 🙂 (Once an addict, always an addict, always wanting ‘out’.) But I guess this is the good way out, because it goes in.

I need to remember: pampering and selfsedating with chocolate and Netflix does not equal caring. I find it hard to step out of (old) patterns. It seems to me that only setting the egg-timer to check up on me works and hanging these ’tiles’ – post-its with questions on my screen and in the toilet helps. How do you do that?

I am HAPPY that I quit in a tired way but realising I would probably not be alive if I had kept drinking. So I guess that is good because I was/am not ready to die yet. 🙂

WWAWWLHD? She would go to bed. Again, no spell check. And yes that might mean that there are strange sentences too, but if I go reading back I will spend another half an hour explaining, thinking, writing. Don’t want that.

Thank you all for reading 🙂 Love to hear how you deal with changing (old) patterns.

xx, Feeling

 

To not cut the hair

To not cut the hair. My SIL came to help me with my finances. Everything turned out to be all-rightish. I even got to pay the rent I had outstanding and one month ahead and there was still some money left. So now I can, I don’t know, relax a little? Having said that: wcropork is slow momentarily, summer season and I do not make a lot of hours so maybe, maybe I will be needing that what I have in order to get through summer. :-/

Well, I did….. go to the hairdresser after looking at my bank account. I had thought that I would let it grow until it was so long that it would still be long if I cut off the last bit of ‘old hair’. There is some symbolism in my hair. The moment I decided I would quit drinking I also had this strange thought out of nowhere saying ‘I might as well not dye my hair anymore’. So the grey hair is about deciding. The quitting date is later because I prepped for quitting for I think about 10 days.

My hairdresser was all for cutting off the old bits since they actually are not totally healthy anymore but I could not. Made me wonder what I was still ‘hanging on to’. I feel that when I cut off the last bit of my dyed hair that I am throwing away the memories of how bad it was. I need those memories to help me shape a new life.

And/even though: lately, already for a long time, I feel like this new life is not happening. Which, in essence is not really true, but still. I have the idea I am standing still. I feel that everytime I am ready to make a step forward, something pops up to keep me where I am. The concussion I have being the latest in that. My nice collegue says about life something like “We have all these thoughts and wishes about life but we forget that THIS IS IT. What we are doing here and now, that is our life.” Which I find really reassuring. Until I find myself undressed, not washed, not fed but eating chocolate, not getting my fluids in, watching Netflix. The concussion was there to change it all. I was sitting, being mindful, no screens, cleaning, resting, cooking, sleeping. I loved it. And the moment I got a little better I IMMEDIATELY upped the screen time to the point where I am not having a headache again, while this concussion happened 4 weeks ago.

I started reading Nakken again, ‘The addictive personality’. I still have much to learn and much to undo. But/and I feel I need to do more. But I also think to know I can’t. Having buried a friend last week was/is a BIG THING.  Having asked for help with my finances last week was another BIG thing. I think I need to learn to accept that I cannot do all.

Ooh, above, a cut out of my new and old hair. If the old hair down below it is at all visible. And yes, this is my idea off my hair thinning out :-/ I see now why my GP thought I might show a ‘little’ hypochondria when worrying about hair loss the other day …. 😀 (OMG, will I ever learn?)

Ooh, in conversation with my teenager niece: I told her about my egg-timer and putting stickers on it with questions (wwawwlhd?) or assignment (breathe / relax ). She listens to my story and then replies: “I have an app for that, it is called Booster Buddy.” Ghegheghe, do I feel old. 😀 I am computer savvy, have, in the last 10 years learned at least 5 new programs a year amongst which (parametric) digital drawing, laser and cnc router control programs so not your easiest stuff BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE ONLINE ON MY PHONE! So I don’t have apps. Just don’t want to have to sort this all out in my private time as well. However, trying to get to a funeral by public transport in a panic mode and not being able to think clearly about what bus where and when has changed my mind about this. No action yet though. I already have a subscription with plenty online time (they don’t come without anymore) but I do not use it. Another one of those refusal thingies, hanging on to what I know.

Wondering now how much of the hiding my drinking has to do with not wanting to be connected with my phone. Hmmm…. When drinking in the evening I would shut down my phone and computer by the time I got to the 4th/5th glass because I did not want to speak to others anymore. Did not want them to find out I was getting pissed. Did not want to bother them with my issues because I knew I would not be ‘real’. Did not want to make a fool of myself. Was ashamed.

My friend died. He had lung cancer and it had spread. He was given 2 months but the immense and intense health care that his wife, one of my best friends (Hi A! And… you might want to skip these 3 paragraphs because it is about you wanting to live unhealthily for a few days and my internal reaction to that.) had set up has kept him with us 4 years. :-). He was a beautiful person, with a great, great, brilliant mind, absolutely intelligent. His candle burned at both ends though. His diet existed of all things healthy amongst which a lot of eco vegetable juices. Because of feeling so absolutely low last week I got to juicing again myself. I did so when I just quit drinking and I think it has helped me a lot in feeling well. Last week I needed all hands on deck to keep me afloat. For the funeral I had juiced some extra to keep me going through the day and I thought it fitting for me to say goodbye to him while drinking a juice.

During a car ride I offered some of the juice to his wife and she said something like: “I can’t see any juice anymore. I will be drinking (edit: alcohol) and eating junk food for at least 3 days.” Which I totally understand. I said something stupid like “You have deserved that.” (What?!! When I look at this at mathematical language I am saying that 4 years of misery and losing your husband, father of 2 young children ‘wins’/’deserves’ you 3 days of booze and junkfood. NO I did not want to say that! I just wanted to say that I would not stand by to make an issue of it. That I can understand that she needs to put ‘things behind her’ and that I understand that it is culturally accepted to do so with a period of ‘destructive behaviour’ which – I do not have a clue if this is ‘bad’ or not. Or if I should find that ‘bad’. Or if I should ‘question’ my own sobriety over this opinion. I, I was just very sad that I have in my life, let myself go so badly that I, in this time of trouble, can not join my mourning friend into the land of destruction. To me, not being able to drink with her is a price I pay. And I know that does not really sound like sober language. I guess I have a big misunderstanding here. However, sometimes, like here, things are too big for non sober people to handle and forgetting about them through drinking ritually is a way people deal with this in this society.

Am I happy that I quit? Yes, absolutely. Do I want to drink? No way. Do I feel an urge to drink? No, it still repulses me. Do I feel like I miss out? Not when I really think about it. Do I feel pressured into drinking? No. Do I feel like my friend asks something of me? No. Do I feel like I screwed up and have made myself an invalid? Yes. It is like I cut of my own legs with drinking and getting addicted and now mourn that I can not climb a mountain with a friend in need. Even if that mountain is Mount Doom. I know she never asked, and never would, but I cannot follow where she goes. That hurts.

The morning of the funeral my mother woke me up. She said “You really need to get going now otherwise you will not be in time.” And she was right. I only managed to catch the bus just in time. I thought I had planned enough time but I had forgotten I could not hurry due to the concussion. I really needed the extra 15 minutes my mother gave me. It is funny. In all the 7-8 years she has been dead, I can not remember that she looked me up once. This day the veil between the death and the living was thin.

Actually, I do think she has looked me up. But I do not want her in my life. I am angry. She is dead. Go do your dead thing! Don’t come hovering over my shoulder, again.

I feel guilty when thinking, writing that. We had a fucked up relation. We repaired all of that 1,5 year before she died. But after that my mind, my idea of her, the ‘energy’ in my thinking of her changed back to how it had been before the repair. I blame my drinking for that. But possibly it is also logical because it had been bad for what, 36 years. Dunno. I guess one day I will know. I am scared of finding out because I feel I do her unjust but I am still so mad at her for not protecting me. For not loving me. For choosing my brother over me. For trying to repair that with saying “Now I would choose you.”

The concussion takes care of one thing: I sleep deep sleep again. Did I write this already? I dreamed about how my parents where together. EEEEEEKS!!! What a humongous load of aggression and destruction. My God. Evil. It is funny how, when one (i!) get out of a situation for a long time, the information we (i!) get when getting back in there is tremendous. Tremendously overwhelming in this case. Shit.

I also dreamed about my brother. Stuff I had forgotten. How he fancied me when I was a (pre-)teen. How that teenage sexual curiosity was the reason he did not protect me from the friends who (tried to) rape(d) me. Now that piece of information was eh…. informative. 😦 I had forgotten about it, it showed up in the dream for a few seconds, how he did not know how to handle himself around me and how I disliked that and found it threatening but did not dare to pay attention to is because ‘when they see you are afraid they will get you.’ From these two dreams I did also learn that these feelings that are ‘in the air’, ‘between people’ are REAL. Well, I sort of knew they were, but I always thought I was the only one, well, and the bookstore man. And my friend A. Ooh, and my therapist. I thought others did not know about them. I now know my mother did, my father sort of did, my brother does. People do, ‘they’ ‘just’ ‘do not’ ‘realise’ it. Which is a funny sentence, trying to indicate that every word of that sentence, dunno, can be read differently too. Can’t get my head around it. There is this little gnome in my head, he has a box filled with clamps, nails, hammers and fog and he is using all the tools on my brain.

And from life issues to silly stuff… well, addiction related in my life. Some of you who have followed me for some time now might have read about the bookstore man. I was in love with him, he with me, sometimes, a little but mostly not. Then I practised not being clingy but that did not work out totally. Also he felt stupid around me because I had quit and he had not quit (his 7 or more splifs a day) and I guess I was not tactful there so well, that did not work – not in a love version, not in a friendship version. We were however still Facebook friends but after our last falling out I had excluded him through some specific setting but not unfriended him. I thought I should learn to do that the adult way. And exactly at the moment that I had totally forgotten about him, my settings somehow change and he is able to see all my new posts. I had a concussion so I was not very sharp but I did however, with no conscious thought what so ever, post a question on Facebook which is EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY THE MOST HURTFUL THING I can imagine I can throw in his face; in itself it was a general sentence, a life question actually, about projection, but he and I have spoken in length how in his life his parents and others have used this question to diminish his feelings and undermine him. I hate that way of misusing knowledge. That is where ‘spiritual’ people use their ‘spiritual’ knowledge to be even bigger asses than the where when they were not educated. I hate it. And somehow I ended up doing that while not even knowing he could read it… So he unfriended me. Which I think is a very reasonable reaction to what I ‘did’.

What did I learn? I learned that even though we I thought we were not connected I guess we still were somehow. If anybody else would tell me this story I would think ‘Gosh, what a way to get back at somebody and feel that you yourself are in the clear. Bravo! NOT!’ I did not do this on purpose. But I am afraid that does not count between us. However, I can not be aware of what I am not aware of. I will just have to bear that I hurt a (non) friend badly with stupid actions. My SIL says; you must realise that posting on FB equals shouting stuff out load on a playground – worst, it is online and written.’ Well, I did this. And there is little way of saying sorry because I have no clue of where or when he is.

And exactly when I had cut loose totally he like a stupid comment of mine on the page of a mutual friend. FUCK OFF!! I miss you.

I am happy that I quit. Hell yes. Aaw, more like heaven yes. 🙂

I want: my concussion to be gone, my life to be simple, everybody to love me. Hmm, that would be weird… I can not even imagine that. Funny, I wonder if that is reality or limiting my beliefs. 😀

I need: to get to bed and sleep. Eat something and sleep for 12 hours.

WWAWWLHD? Again, I am not wearing socks which means: I am too stupid to deserve care. It is 17:00 hours here and I have not even showered yet. I did eat. I did juice but I did not get any further than that. Well, I wrote this post. That gives some air and clears up some stuff. :-). Need to get away from the computer. And aaah, shit, this spell check button sort of forces me to spell check. ;-).

Hope you have a nice day. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Bewaren

Ouch! :-D

In addition to my earlier post on how people find me I would like to add this search used by a visitor of my blog:

howtofuckupinlife

That one actually really hurt. Ouch!

For those of you not familiar with the backside of WordPress: there is a statistics page which shows how many people visit, who is following, how many posts have been read and… what search words people use who end up at my blog. This person came to my blog with ‘how to fuck up in life’. Yeah. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! 😀

Btw: if you would like to keep your search anonymouslike (only anonymous for the blogs you will visit – not for Google) you can use Google and type the words you are looking for and I think precede that by the word ‘wordpress’ and you get the same-ish result.

I am happy that I quit. I have however a light concussion which was a work accident, not my doing, was bending over and got knocked on the head by an oncoming metal table pushed by a guy who is too strong for this world – still waiting for the flowers to arrive :-D. I have a nasty headache and am mainly very very tired while sleeping 19 hours a day for 5 days in a row now. But mostly I am more emotional than the leave Britney alone homo. First day I felt like I was back in the dark pit where I was when still drinking and hitting rock bottom. ‘I don’t care if I wake up anymooohooooohooooor, I migth as well be deaheaaheaaaad.’ But that is mostly gone now. Well, it is informative. I tried to get into the feeling of ‘This too shall pass.’ Which is actually a good thing. Funny that I, in my whole life, never learned that. Guess my parents must have tried but I can imagine I took it as diminishing my problems.

I am very happy that I quit. Trying to apply the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ principle during the day and gosh it is a big relieve of that mean bitch inside my head. 🙂 Still I am surprised to find that a woman who loves herself actually makes the good choices. I still somehow think she would eat chocolate all day, not cook and go to bed late. The very opposite is true. It does show that my Calvinistic (is that an English word too?) upbringing in the Netherlands has had its influence.

So, too much screentime for me already. The first days after the concussion I could actually see the screen ‘flickre’ (if that is a word – turn on and of very rapidly)

As said: I am happy that I quit, hope you are happy too. Being happy about quitting makes it way easier. Eeasy-peasy I would say, if only I had known…, and now let’s not get arrogant…  I think I should be more into the next steps in sobriety. Not doing that, I feel like I’m standing still and I think that is also the message from the Universe with this concussion. AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT (TF?) I WANT WITH MY LIFE. Well, I do, but I don’t dare to switch. I would love to go into eco farming and natural healing but that switch takes money I don’t have. Let’s see. I notice now that I am only looking at how it is not possible instead of at how it would be possible. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Wishing you a nice sober day. I feel the need to remind you of the free, online alcohol desensitization program I followed. Not sure why I feel that way just now but hey, if you feel on the edge or never want to feel on the edge again, it is worth a try; it is a sort of computer game and it will bore the hell out of your want to drink. Really. 😀 And that is good, very good. There is one ‘game’ for smoking and pot too. Enjoy!

xx, Feeling