Kathy Berman on dissociation

Kathy Berman wrote this post a few days ago and I am still in the process of trying to comprehend it all and see how it fits into my life. I am very excited to read this informative gathering of thoughts on dissociation (Never in my drinking life I would have guessed that at some point I would write a sentence like that. 🙂 )

Have a read by pushing the blue title below the quote. 🙂

 

A lot of the recovery from childhood trauma, abuse, etc. is about learning the ways we avoided feeling the feelings. We don’t heal until we feel. 1.”Individuals use denial and repression to protect the ego from disintegration. Living with both the constant unpredictability of the alcoholic parent and the detachment and/or anxiety of the codependent […]

via Dissociation Helped Us Cope With Childhood But Keeps Us Stuck in the Past — Emotional Sobriety: Mind, Body, & Soul

The other day I broke up with the hugbuddy, which is funny because right now I can not remember why. I worry about my memory. Well, obviously I thought it was leading nowhere and we would end up having sex anyway and, well, married man, 16 years younger (wife in other country out of the picture… but still). So we broke up and then he called and we had tea and some real sexy hugging.

I am currently trying to figure out where and when I dissociate. Well… sex would be one. Everything is nice, nice, nice and one wrong touch and poooff I am gone. And while sexy hugging I practised trying to be aware of when and where I went. It is like setting the internal timer every few minutes and then check where I am. Gosh. And GOSH to how uncomfortably weird sex (y hugging) can be when one falls out of the mood. MG?!!! Ghegheghe…. Luckily the hugbuddy is very sexy so I am never long out of the mood.

All babysteps. Still putting a heavily non-shaven body and my own culturally dislike of that between the hugbuddy and ‘real action’ but believe me, sexy hugging while sitting on a chair is real enough for me. And in between some feedback to the hugbuddy on what to do but more specifically; what not to do. No mindless grabbing. Mindful grabbing/firm holding = good. Mindless grabbing = scary.

The ‘There is nothing wrong with you’ book from Cheri Huber is helping me to get into my body. When reading it I notice how dislike of me keeps me out of my body, sort of separates me from being where I am. I pick up on negative thinking earlier and recognise it for what it is better. Not sure yet what to do with my time now I don’t spend it being negative. That is a real thing. There is so much ‘nothing going on’ if I do not have opinions about everything. Had that with quitting smoking. Had that with quitting drinking; the boredom. Or: rest? I do not have to go to that land of negativity, of self-hate. But what to do?! 🙂  Get a job? 😉

I am grateful that I do not drink. The things I am learning are difficult sometimes but also very rewarding. Ooh, only to find my newly found knowledge on how negativety, perfection and self-hate work in me to be totally disgared and ridiculed by my brother in a phone conversation with him. Made me realise that within the family I grew up in self-hate NEEDS TO BE MAINTAINED AT ALL COSTS. And I need to stay down at the bottom of the pit and am not allowed to rise out of it. God forbid I should find out something about self-hate and comfort that makes me happy. Nope, let us devalue that by snide comments. Family structures are wonderful when they are wonderful. They are also killing when they are not.

Just for logging: I got a fright the other day. Somebody from a detox clinic which I am not linked to checked out my LinkedIn profile. I wonder how that came about. I log this because things like this (used to) send me spinning and I need to keep track of that.

Wishing you a wonderful sober Easter weekend.

xx, Feeling

The land of no self-hate, episode 2

Still reading ‘There is nothing wrong with you‘ from Cheri Huber. Cheri writes about self-hate and the dynamics of this. As with other books, I read, and at the same time I heighten the awareness of my thoughts and discernible emotions, tension, movement, temperature in and around my body. Good books change stuff at cell level. For me this is a good book. ❤

Not sure if this sounds like hocus pocus but, you know: when you consciously inhale and feel your body expanding and when you exhale it is ‘inpanding’? Motions like that happen unconsciously within my body and in the near surroundings, say ‘aura’ around me. When reading there are big shifts like a lot of tension in my throat, so much I have a throat ache. Or my throat relaxing. But also subtler once like my jaw clenching and unclenching, my breath stopping and releasing, lips tightening, nostrils opening, chest freezing, heart expanding and contracting. It is a wonderful trip of awareness and mindful being which can finally happen. Sometimes there is an awareness of the micro-expressions. I really, really like that because all these e-motions and tension and release inform me of stuff I was formerly not aware off. If my throat tightens, my heart rate speeds up, my chest freezes I know something in me is not liking what I read, experience, remember. And with that, I can practise letting to within, breathe through new thoughts while gently keeping them in my awareness. Does this make any sense?

How this came about? I was in a dark place an a long distance energy healer picked up on that. She somehow helped me accept that I have a right to exist. That closed a backdoor to self-hate, all of a sudden I was standing back against the wall and all the disliking my life and myself suddenly had no way out. It all fell down on me. That caused an enormous crisis in which Ainsobriety came up with the above mentioned book. Teal Swan came with her video on the self-hatred. Things start to fall into place.

It is good. 🙂 I am happy, sometimes. At peace, sometimes and in extacy sometimes. Literally stoned. Guess one would call it bliss if there is no drug involved. Hmmm… 😀 Scared also, sometimes. As other addictions, self-hate is self-destructive behaviour I have because I somehow think it is good for me to hate me. “When I drink, I do not feel what is wrong with me.” and when I hate myself “at least I do something well.”.

Two functions of self-hate I am experiencing currently:

Self-hate gives structure to me. When I sit here, read the book, let go of hate, untangle, unfold, open up, relax, breathe, I become boundless. Sometimes that gives a feeling of extacy. Endless white light flooding through me; connecting with the earth, connecting with the heavens. FINALLY PEACE! And then the clamping happens and sometimes something this something twists and sends me off into what feels as I would imagine a psychoses feels. Dangerous land, not to be threaded lightly.

Also, self-hate keeps me from being responsible. It brings out my poor me, or is brought out by my poor me underdog. 😦 Reading the book, again, sometimes, while working through the process of letting go of thoughts about myself relieves me of the negative energy which holds me down. I also realise that most, 99.999999% of the thoughts I have about me are negative. So, letting go of thoughts, letting go of opinions is the thing. Which reminds me of my first Ayahuasca trip which opened up with a statement from the Ayahuasca spirit saying “All these opinions… all these opinions…. there is no need.”

As always; Ayahuasca can show you the way, it can not do the work for you/me.

Funny side effect: I eat less since reading this book. Things just don’t look and feel as attractive anymore.

So, all in all I switch from heaven into hell and back again and again and again. While slowly learning where, how and when these switches happen. It is a dangerous place to be because I sometimes realise that I am at the brink of insanity and total self-destruction, but also a rewarding place because I now learn to look into the darkness and see that it is me.

Insanity feels like clamping to the darkness while facing the light. Where letting go means confrontation with endlessness, boundless existence. Like watching the stars somewhere far away from nature. That feeling of immensity and smallness combined. And then switching between them several times. That is only do-able for me, when I let go of clamping, hanging onto opinions. Hmmm, guess people might call that ego. If you (i!) don’t let go then it becomes very uncomfortable to feel and exist. And then, when I am there and add fear to that I go into insanity.  Well, there is a need to let go. 🙂

And you know, I am learning all this, and for the first time I notice jealousy. I am willing to admit that I notice jealousy. I read the book and it has EVERYTHING I want (clinging), and then I become jealous because somebody ‘knew it before me and I did not know it’. Jealousy is somebody having something which is of vital importance to one and being afraid to lose it. Yup. Check. 😀

I am also jealous because so many people know what they need to do with their lives. And I only know that I am where I need to be. Somehow I trust that something will come on my path once these issues have worked itself out but still… I want things to be easy. Well, easier. At which point I still hear the Bookstore man saying: “Are you sure?”.

A new thought pops up: maybe my need for drama is a way of expressing the destruction within me. People tend to, try to make the outside world as their inside world.

Enough for today.

I wish you nice sober day. I am happy that I quit. Trying something else now: I am grateful that I quit drinking. Happy is more fleeting and assumes upbeat dopaminelike emotions. Grateful is more serotonin, long-lasting, more quit. And every time I say I am grateful or happy about quitting the reality of not knowing what TF I want or need to do with my life pops up. And then I need to trust again. Or maybe I am dissociating there. We shall see.

Ok, I am grateful that I quit. I hope you are grateful too. Being grateful makes it so much easier to be sober. Also, for those in doubt: it is so much more easy to not drink after one has quit than it is to start all over again.

xx, Feeling

Self-rape in practice – Stormy Daniels

A few posts ago I wrote about self-rape, a word I made up for me to describe unwanted sexual acts I have performed and were performed on me because I did not have the guts to say no. I am not referring to situations where saying “No” would have had bad or worst consequences; there are a lot of sick men who are enticed by some ‘struggling’. I am talking about situations where a “No” would have not gone down well, but it would have been listened to without consequences. I, for me, call having not-voluntary sex when there could have been a no sex ‘self-rape’. It is not that I wanted it, but in me the option to say no was first taken away, and then when it partially grew back, it went unpractised. Still not good at it now but I want to become good at it. 🙂

I am in a process of uncovering layers and layers of old behaviour and memories in the hope to undo damage and to un-addict. I am aware that those who are in a different place/situation with this subject might have different opinions on this. But for me this is what it is right now. This is how I perceive it now.

It is very unfortunate that my childhood spirit was already broken before I could even make up my adult mind on what and how when it came to sex. At age 48 I still often wonder about my sexual orientation, not sure if I really like women physically, intellectually and emotionally or sometimes dislike men because of the memories. And so I walked a path of self-destruction which has been and is painful. These days I start to understand how far-reaching my self-destructive acts where and are. But watching the Stormy Daniels 60 minutes interview I realised I am not the only one. The part which worries me most starts at 1:40 and ends at 3:24.

In the transcript below I made the worrying parts in a bold lettering – if WP catches on to that in the quote mode…. Self-hate, self-destruction, self-rape speaking loudly – in my ears. She passes it off as a business deal, but how split does a person have to be in order to do this?  How do you perceive this?

Stormy Daniels describes her alleged affair with Donald Trump

Anderson Cooper: You had dinner in the room?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: What happened next?

Stormy Daniels: I asked him if I could use his restroom and he said, “Yes, you know, it’s through those– through the bedroom, you’ll see it.” So I– I excused myself and I went to the– the restroom. You know, I was in there for a little bit and came out and he was sitting, you know, on the edge of the bed when I walked out, perched.

Anderson Cooper: And when you saw that, what went through your mind?

Stormy Daniels: I realized exactly what I’d gotten myself into. And I was like, “Ugh, here we go.” (LAUGH) And I just felt like maybe– (LAUGH) it was sort of– I had it coming for making a bad decision for going to someone’s room alone and I just heard the voice in my head, “well, you put yourself in a bad situation and bad things happen, so you deserve this.”

Anderson Cooper: And you had sex with him.

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: You were 27, he was 60. Were you physically attracted to him?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Not at all?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you want to have sex with him?

Stormy Daniels: No. But I didn’t– I didn’t say no. I’m not a victim, I’m not–

Anderson Cooper: It was entirely consensual.

Stormy Daniels: Oh, yes, yes.

Anderson Cooper: You work in an industry where condom use is– is an issue. Did– did he use a condom?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you ask him to?

Stormy Daniels: No. I honestly didn’t say anything.

Anderson Cooper: After you had sex, what happened?

Stormy Daniels: He said that it was great, he had– a great evening, and it was nothing like he expected, that I really surprised him, that a lotta people must underestimate me– that he hoped that I would be willing to see him again and that we would discuss the things we had talked about earlier in the evening.

Anderson Cooper: Being on The Apprentice.

Stormy Daniels: Right.

Stormy Daniels:  I thought of it as a business deal.

Full interview and transcript here.

Am I the only one who finds this behaviour sad, worrysome, self-destructive? And, for another thing: this is not something that needs to be advocated as a reason to have sex AND not something to be advocated as consensual.  ‘Not wanting to but feeling not being able to get out of it’ does NOT equal consent. It does not equal rape either according to the law. Energetically I think she violates her and his integrity.

Let me conclude that both people were not where I think it is healthy to be. She having sex with a guy she does not want, he not even aware or not caring that he is sharing something not given in joy. In Trumps words: “Sad”.

I am happy that I quit.

Wishing you a wonderful sober day with many good sober thoughts and haha, maybe a serenity prayer. 😉 I could use some thorough insight in that now for both posting on somebodye elses sex-life and for not doing what I should be doing in the meantime. So here:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

 

The land of no self-hate

A lot of time I wonder why I am at home, doing nothing for the so maniest time in my life. However, I do feel that it is needed for me to sink another level back into the truth, to peel another layer of the onion, to work through some reoccurring issues.

Currently I am trying to work out how self-hate works. Years ago I found out that I hate myself because ‘when I hate myself, at least I do something good’. The subject needs looking into because I have been in a very bad place on and off for the last months and I am not sure how to cope with this eternal darkness attacking me. I know it is me doing the attacking – but I did not know how. And somehow I need to intellectually and energetically understand the mechanics of something to be able to deal.

When it comes to self-hate, all I did know is that I have developed it as a ‘safe guard’ between me and my parents, mom in particular. Who, by the way, did her own lot of self-hating too. 😦 I am guessing, if you are in a situation where anxiety, addiction, self-harm and other destructive behaviour shows up, you might want to check out this vid from Teal Swan. Hope it brings you as much insight as it did me. 🙂

And this is the text from the video, if you prefer to read:

Self Hate, The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism

Coping mechanisms are strategies and behaviors that are carried out to mitigate, manage or adapt to anything that causes distress.  If we cope with something, we do so because we feel we cannot change the stressor itself. We have to adapt to it so that the hurt we feel as a result of it is decreased or eliminated.  We would all hope for a world that did not have to be coped with. Alas, that is not the world we currently live in and so it must be said that even though all coping mechanisms hold the potential to be limiting and damaging to a person in the long run, certain coping mechanisms can be more detrimental than others.  And the most dangerous coping mechanism is self-hate.

At first glance it may be hard to see how self-hate could possibly be a coping mechanism.  After all, self-hate can’t possibly decrease a person’s distress can it? The answer is yes it can.  And to see how, we much journey back to the genesis of this coping mechanism.When we look at a dysfunctional home, what we find is that the root of each person’s self concept in the family system is shame.  This feeling of shame has been passed down from generation to generation. It is the primary stressor in the household. Everyone has to find a way to cope with that shame.  The ways they cope with that shame set up the dysfunctional family system and determine what role each person will play in it.

To understand how self hate develops, we must see that if one or more of the parents is dealing with a baseline self concept of shame, a child being different to that parent in any way or even asserting a boundary will trigger that feeling of shame.  It will invalidate their identity, which they already subconsciously think is bad. This is why the golden child in a family will learn to cope by throwing their identity out the window as a strategy to avoid being shamed and ostracized within the family.  They will become a ‘mini me’ as an adaptive strategy to the parent they feel they must please in order to stay safe with.

The child that cannot adapt by throwing their identity out the window and whom can’t find a way to please the adult consistently for a multitude of reasons will be so upsetting to the self concept of the parent that the parent will subconsciously turn against the child.  They may say, “I love you” to this child and try to do loving things for them, but the truth of how they really feel is not what they are presenting on the surface and the truth comes out in all kinds of ways. Their only way of avoiding the shame they feel and the shame this child triggers in them is to emotionally disown the child and deflect that shame onto the child and that child then becomes the family scapegoat.  It is to say, “I’m not bad, you’re bad and you are my problem and now I’m the victim to you, and so is everyone else in the household.” The family can then hide all of their dysfunction behind this “family problem” person and can see themselves as the good ones because all of their focus can be placed on trying to fix what is “wrong” with this person. What is wrong with them is that everyone in the family has turned against them for being different and for not being able to change that.  But the other people in the house can’t see this. This person has become the identified patient in the family.

The experience of being turned against by the very people who you need love and belonging from the very most is so painful it is beyond describing.  And it makes it so the child has no way to feel safe. They feel hated by their family, especially the parent who initiates this shame deflection. They are growing up with an antagonist, an antagonist upon whom their life depends.  And the way a person copes with this is genius in the short term but completely destructive in the long term.

A child put in this position, pushes themselves away.  But they can’t physically do that so what happens is the pushing away of themselves, splits their consciousness in half.  To understand more about this concept, watch my video called Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. When they split their consciousness in half, one half contains the parts within them that they perceive that their parent hates.  The other half becomes a mirror image of their parent… An internal antagonist. This internal antagonist takes over the job of hating them for the parent. It becomes the one that is constantly shaming and criticizing the parts within this person that are seen as wrong and bad by the parent and now as a result, by the person themselves.  This makes the hurt not only controllable, but predictable. And the child believes that by doing this, they might just be able to change the things that are so detestable about them. The person has become their own abuser and hater so that the antagonistic parent is never given the occasion or opportunity to do it. Imagine you were going to go up to someone to hit them and they just started hitting themselves.  What would you do? Chances are, the desire to hurt them would go away. You’d feel on an energetic level that your goal was already being carried out. You would feel like either something is really wrong with them so they must need your help or that they agree that they deserve it to such a degree that they are going to do it for you. This would make you feel validated. This is usually the point at which the parent gets an extra boost of self-esteem through turning themselves into the “false healer” and the child is turned into an identified patient.

As you can see, this self-hating aspect is actually trying to save their life and rescue them from the wrath of the parent.  This part holds the truths of what matters most to them. For example, perhaps what the parent hated about the child was that she was so sensitive.  The self-hating part will constantly criticize and shame her for being sensitive. Because the thought is that with enough disapproval of it, she will either stop being that way or be motivated to fix it.  And this will get her the sense of belonging and safety she wants. We can then tell that the truth this self-hating aspect holds is just how important belonging and safety are and how much she needs those things.  Ideally, we need to figure out these valued and needed things that the self hater is holding the truth of and try to get those things directly in the places that we can get them from.

Self hate is a coping mechanism that is so dangerous because it is a coping mechanism that may keep you safer from the external hater/antagonist, but it leads to constant anxiety because you are living with a part that behaves like an enemy in your own skin.  And it leads to all kinds of dangerous behaviors in the long term. Things like risk taking, abusive relationships, self-destructive behaviors, self-injury and even suicide.

When you find this part within you, see the benevolent reason for its existence.  See that its strategy, though genius while you were living in an abusive environment, is now destroying your ability to live a life that is worth living.  See that the parts of you that this part has turned against, need to be accepted and loved instead. Go directly for the things you were trying to indirectly get by trying to hate these parts of you away.   Give them to yourself and get them from others. The life you want to live is just on the other side of wanting to be you instead of agreeing with your antagonistic parent that you should be someone else.

I am happy that I quit. It has been difficult going but insights like this make me happy :-). I do not know how it works, it gives space, it frees me of darkness. It brings, I don’t know, light? 🙂

I watched the video twice, feeling and remembering my way through what has happened in my life and how self-hate is happening currently. I was able to let go of some parts. Always funny how ‘letting go’ immediately causes an internal clamping reaction and how letting go of that to led me to a land of no self-hate. That is strange. I am and feel totally different there. Realise that I have no clue who I am if I do not hate myself. Breathe, relax and drink water. Feeling my whole body, system, all my energy wanting to hang on to what was. It is time to let go. This also means that I must take responsibility for being here. Ha! That is a ‘ziektewinst’ thing. What did I gain from being the victim of (self)hate? Not having to be responsible.

A woman who loves herself would love herself, get dressed and go out now the sun is shining. Do something. Allow myself to enjoy myself instead of sitting here being stuck in self-hatred. Ok, now I know how it works, I need to change the energetic mechanics of it. Funny how all these behaviours look like addictions. So, ha! I should be able to do that if I set myself to it.

I can see, feel the woman who (forcibly) loves herself stretching out her hand to the woman who learns not to hate herself. One day soon they might meet in the land of living within Love & Peace. ❤

Wishing you a nice sober weekend.

xx, Feeling

Free online summit on blogging

Guess what? There’s bloggers out there that make six figures every year–six figures! Could you imagine that? For those who want to blog for a living, they have to figure out how to do that themselves. It’s not easy to learn. Information is scattered everywhere, platforms are constantly changing, and the best tactics are constantly […]

via Do you want to Grow Your Blog? — dharmaholic

Thanks to Dharmaholic who made me aware of this free online summit. I thougth the summit might interestes some of you. But check out the rest of Dharmaholics blog too. Very nice.

Just to not confuse you: I personally have no specific interest in growing this blog because it is the only place I can ‘let go’ and anonymously write. Growing would mean editing I guess and that would make it more difficult to let go. Funny how addiction, an boundary-less intake problem, is being solved with a boundary-less outlet solution. Ideally I would assume it needs to become more balanced. Not there yet. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. The darkness of late has lifted a bit and I am in this ‘inbetween land’ where I feel it is time to do stuff. It is spring. Well, here, not in Australia and New Zeeland. (Hi!! Wishing you a beautiful autumn time, with lots of closures and letting go while we prepare for new beginnings.)

Wishing you a lovely sober day!

xx, Feeling

 

 

Thoughts on abuse, love and healing in relationships

The hugbuddy is back from being on a trip to another side of this globe. Having had a cool down time was good but hugs are better. 🙂

And now I wonder: what is a relation actually? Do I like him for who he is? (or) Do I like how he makes me feel? Do I like how we feel/are together?

It is strange. Due to his and mine circumstances I am not ready to go anywhere with this further than, well, some sexy hugging. But you and I know that if this continuous long enough at least one of the buddies (bodies?) will fall in love.

I like him. But he’s more than 15 years younger and I feel a fool over that. All is well when we are together but not when I add the ‘rest of the world’ to this, that is when I feel stupid for liking him. The rest of the world includes his estranged wife out of an arranged marriage. FYI: they have been living apart for years now, little to no contact. Does that make it ok? I do no not know.

All the howevers together: he makes me feel good. I feel at ease with him, he spots any kind of stress in me immediately. Reminds me in a not spiritual but spiritual way that I should not focus on the negative. He appreciates being with me deeply without funniness about how I should be different. And I am testing boundaries in that with not shaving. Yes, you heard me; not, not anywhere. Self-protection too; either body, leg, stomach, armpit, ass crack hair shames me into not going any further than some sexy hugs… Or… it will force him (and me!!) into accepting me AS I AM; ‘flawed’, hairy, not willing anymore to be somebody I am not, not the one who uses cultural shame to turn me into somebody who is ‘ever ready and available’. No, not the smelly hairy; the just came out of the shower hairy.

All of my relations have been oneS where I felt exactly NOT appreciated as I am. Every man struggled with this specific me-ness, the special Feeling flavour so to say. At first attracted by it and then repelled. But then again, I never appreciated me as I was and I am thinking that might reflect back into relations with the world. No, not blaming me for others being an asshole. Or yes, maybe I do. Have not worked that out, felt that through, thought about it.

All in all, this well, whatever it is with the hugbuddy: Do I like being with him because he makes me feel good? Or do I like him regardless of any benefits? Do I like him regardless of possible negatives?

Or is all this wondering about how things work of no use? And is the biology of being together a healing process in itself, which is why it is nice. Biology always makes good things feel nice. 🙂 ❤ The pure nice, not the addicted nice.

I can see things, physical things, emotional things, spiritual things in him heal when he is with me and being held. He lets go of  a lot of shame and pain when he is with me. Awful experiences get vented, get air, can transform, neutralise.  And the same with me. At first it irritated me a little, thinking ‘I am not your mother’. And then I realised that I could just let things be and help another person in distress. There is a lot of holding space going on. That what has been damaged in the symbiosis can be repaired in the symbioses.

He is very specific in asking physical things: ‘Can you please massage my shoulder there?” Or: “Can you please put your thumbs next to my spine.” I do not know how to do that. At first I was offended. Then I thought: I am only offended because I do not dare to ask that. 🙂 So I thought being with him will teach me how to. By now I am becoming more vocal about what I do not like. I never knew there are very many ways I do not like to be touched. I do not like to be grabbed. That is just a one way ticket into the physical and mental memory of abuse and I move out of my body! Never knew that so clearly as I do now.

It made me wonder what grabbing actually is. To me grabbing is taking hold of a body or part of a body for your own interest, with no consideration for or real interest in the other. Sex can easily turn into a grabbing match. The play with grabbing can even be kinky – but without intimacy and interest in the other it is destructive. Drunk sex can be specifically grabby. Not sure if I can recall well. Gosh, bad joke.

Now I am coming to the part in my life where I have to learn to stand up and be specific about my wishes in physical contact. Long time ago I realised that for me, there is rape and there is self-rape. 😦 If now, I can not stand grabbing while being in a situation that is potentially safe – I do not speak up for myself to stop the grabbing, I go into self-rape mode.

Self rape mode is such a fucking infuriating, frustrating phase of abuse!!! First one gets stripped of self, self-protection, self-care, worth. Not saying that abuse makes a person lose worth. Never! But the purpose of the abuser is to make that appear so and often the victim is not strong enough to fight that. The abuser knows this and that is why the victim gets picked and broken. The victim of child abuse is hardly ever 6 feet 7 muscly 120 kilo guy from fighting club or biker gang, it is the young child which is vulnerable and can not fight back. And that is why the predator picks them. They never take on people the can not ‘win’ from. A sick combination of fear and lust spurs them on and cunning thinking of a sex addict with a liking for perverted sex* within helps them to do what they do and often get away with it. In more judgmental wording: they are cowards. * Please note I write sex addict with a liking for perveted sex in order not to give the impression that I think all sex addicts are child abusers. The vibes I got from my abusers where strong vibes of addiction: knowing things are wrong but not being able to work against what they were doing.

Predators will threaten with more violence or more of the bad stuff if you do not go along. This is also a way to make the victim submit: “You did it yourself.” They strip a person of everything, they can not ‘be’ with a person when the other person has value, so the value must go. For me, to come out of the feeling of rape and out of self-rape I need to change things around. If I want to heal, it takes Self, self-protection, self-care and – worth to actually go against what is happening. That inversions is so difficult, so frustrating. And, in some childish terms maybe: so unfair. But still. It needs to be done.

They tell you: “Hold still or I’ll hurt you more.” The more I struggled and fought for my life, the more life they need to take away.  And now I need to reverse the shutting up, the moving out of my body to moving back in, experiencing it all and speaking out when things don’t go as I want to. It seems unfair for me to have to do this because of the other persons perverted, corrupted personality. When feeling into this I realise that the really sick ones were victims too. I know that, I feel that with every fiber. I realised it then. I can word and understand it now. But I do not have to carry their burden. Let go. “That is your sickness. I do not want it.” “Destroying me will not make you whole.”

So. Guess the this whole thing with the hugbuddy wakes up more than I realised. I think it is good. I found a hugbuddy who, without being irritated, without questioning kisses my tears away and asks “flashbacks?”

When we touch I do all these exercises of really being there in the moment and experiencing what is going on. He has had his share of abusive situations so he knows pretty well what flashbacks are. So I can explain that somebody pulling my hair gives me flashbacks. He understands. And!  He is not irritated over that. 🙂 I have been with a lot of guys who did not understand and felt accused. I guess I used to accuse guys for being guy. I hate man because they have been The Oppressor, always. Now I worked in two different companies where women where The Sexual Oppressor and haha, that has balanced my view. 😀 Gosh, laughing here. What a shit hole this world is. 😀

And then I come to my heart. What about my heart? My heart loves him as a person. Not specifically as ‘my’ person. I tend to focus on other things and more or less forget about him when he is not here.  Like with a good friend; enjoying time together and then it is ok when they leave too. But on the other hand, I am deliberately reigning in my heart because of marriage, age and culture differences. Again. Did so with the bookstore man, doing this now. Is it good? It is illogical biologically. So that must be a warning that it will lead to painful results. We shall see.

Why does culture through movies and advertise romantify the missing of the partner part? It seems to turn relation into addiction, as if the more we have of what the other brings us, the better. Like booze to the addict. Romantically cultivating ‘missing him’ feels like addiction. So. Not going there.

Going back to the questions at the beginning of this post:  I like the hugbuddy for who he is. I also appreciate how he makes me feel and find the time we spend interesting, fun and healing. But the making me feel good is not mandatory. It is added to me, to us, and appreciated. When asked I would say I am interested in seeing how continued contact would enfold but (self)care and openness need to be present in that.

Baby steps!

Ooh, Tarot gave “Love”as an answer to what it is between the hugbuddy and me. But then again: so it did with the bookstore man. So… well. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. My life is difficult right now. So far no work and no money because I go into freeze when dealing with the social security. I did…. however ask for help and kept on asking till I got it. Which is strange because again I have to be strong exactly when I am not.

I feel like I am in a transition time, everything shifts. On second I experience my inner world to be one of no outlook anywhere. My inside world shows nothing but flames all around me burning, burning, burning. The next I am understanding the energetic workings of abuse, really seeing what happened in situations and breaking free of bond that kept me there. By the way, this is also very much due to reading Bethanyk’s blog ‘Not my secret.’ She writes about horrific abuse and says: it is NOT MY SECRET. As I say:  “That is your sickness. I do not want it.” Taking off the shame, refusing to accept the shame that predators put on her helped me realise how this works in me. Again many thanks to a person who walks this path before me and reaches back with writing. <3.

A woman who loves herself would love herself….. Would edit this post so it can be understood better. I have done so as far as I can manage now. I guess when the dust settles, I will organise. Or not. I am not taking time to let the post rest. So I hope it reaches you well.

Wishing you a wonderful sober Friday and weekend.

xx, Feeling

Now I am allowed to exist, what is next?

A few weeks ago I wrote about having found a, well, basic believe that I have a right to exist. Feeling that. Not only knowing it but really feeling it. And that is GOOD.

The rest is a long post on how I get thrown about by ups and downs, what I am learning and what not. I am having the shittiest time of my life but still think 2018 is a fantastic year. :-D. On the verge of a breakthrough every day. If it weren’t for me I would be fantastic already. 😉

So what is next? Next is: overwhelming selfhate and overwhelming self-love and sometimes switching from the one to the other in seconds. Not sure how it works but I’m thinking my system does not want to let go of my old habit. Also, it looks like the selfhate has found an object (me) to focus on. Sometimes I get dragged into it, sometimes it is like a passing train: as long as I don’t stand on the tracks I’m ok. It is funny, not sure how to describe it but my daily me is angry at my daily me. And then there is the part which is watching this happening. And the difference between my daily me and my Self is getting clearer. That is good. Hopefully I will get to learn that all this emotional feeling stuff is information. And information only,  from where I stand there is no particular need to get lost in it unless…. the lessons are not learned. And that’s when the shit hits the fan.

Life has been difficult, I am really struggling to keep structure in my life. Ha, not even the struggle is working. 😦 My house is ok-ish and so are the contacts to the outside world but my eating habits are bad and I have let go of admin. Which means that I do not open e-mail or post from the organisation which will, or will not give me money for not begin employed / sick leave. Guessing they will not give it when I do not reply. The inability to live to somebodies rules still gives me extreme panick attacks followed by a strong urge to not live. And then comes this inner voice: “It is ok Feeling, you do not have to be able to do everything. You do no have to be perfect, you have been here before, it is obvious that you can not do this. Yes it is strange in other peoples eyes. Yes it is in no comparison to whatever you can do but could you possibly face the fact (ooooh, panick) that you are not able to do this on your own? You keep on saying that you will do it ‘tomorrow’. But have you not seen this behaviour before?”

“Nah! This is different! I will really open all the post tomorrow!”. Or so I said for 7 days. And it is still tomorrow. 🙂

I believe that until I deal with the what I call my destructive treats, it will shift from subject to subject to subject no matter what. Either it is alcohol (self destruction in a bottle), sugar (selfdestruction in a bar of chocolate), Netflix, internet, procrastinating, not living up to my full potential (assuming this sometimes worn out life has a potential – and also: I sometimes believe that I have, not sure what and how, but I have).

Strange things are happening. Not all of it is my own doing. The woman I met on FB and gave me an energetic healing a few weeks ago asked me this morning how I have been the last days. I told her I had been really bad and then ‘poof’ it was very good. We spoke about that.

I know this is going to sound crazy and I am not sure how and where I stand in this but… the FB group sort of fell apart and the woman whom I befriended online has left the old group she had started due to unrest between the 5 moderators. And she started a new group. Obviously that causes mayhem in the beginning. I kept out of it because, well, I’ve got nothing to add but I followed the woman to her new, more exclusive group. Since then all hell broke loose in my life: darkness like clouds rolling over me, through me, as being in a maelstrom of darkness. I really had the idea that even I could not be THAT black. Hell like never before, worse than rock-bottom earlier. And I had little energy left to do anything but watch and be amazed where the F! all of this was taking me. Or, well, as it felt; where I was swept away to.

And then ‘poof’ it was all gone from one second to the other. No darkness, no dark feelings, no wish to jump of the building just, peace. And internal voices telling me I was ok.

So this morning the woman came onto the chat asking me how I had been the past days and if I knew voodoo. I said: ‘Very bad, had no clue what came over me. And then it was gone, as sudden as it came.’ Well, she said: I am checking with all the members because one of the former group ladies practises voodoo and it seems like she is attacking the new group members.

Now, I am sceptic. But I really think this might have been exactly what was happening. Or not. I don’t know. Anyway, very educative it is because the darkness within, mine or not, does bring me to my knees where I have to accept that I can not do stuff on my own. How non addict that acceptance would be :-D. And also, by learning the opposite of the bad energies; the love, the peace, the acceptance teaches me that there is a choice. That I have a choice. And so I continue on the path I have been walking, and fall off on a daily, hourly, minutely (is that a word?) base; of practicing not being unhappy. Practising not being sad. And with writing that I see that I must make a change there because I should be practising to be happy possibly, and not the ‘not being sad’. It is the same with drinking: practising ‘not drinking’ leads to tension, resistance, misery and finally drinking. Practising ‘being happy that I quit’ leads to not drinking. 🙂

In short, ok, not so short: now I am allowed to exist next thing that pops up is selfhate. Obviously because not it can not float freely anymore because there is an internal boundary that says: “Hey, what are you hating at. I AM here.” Because there is a right to live now, the selfhate becomes very obvious. And on the other hand self-love and compassion are introduced by ‘just’ somebody I met on the web. I have reservations there, I am normally not so keen on associating with people who have friends that bring trouble. But I can not let go (yet) and also: could it be that perceived hate by others is just myself masking my own self hatred? Not sure, but I will proceed with caution.  Possibly making sure I love myself would be a good place to start recognising hatred from others. 🙂

Time to read the book Lucy recommended about self-hatred. And time to do my admin. Tomorrow I will call them. 😉

More and more I notice that if I do not do what is good for me I end up feeling bad. From putting on socks when having cold feet (which I often forget when I dislike myself) to eating the wrong things. Self destruction knows so many ways. Self love too. I feel I have almost 50 years of (self)conditioning to work ‘against’ in a society where hatred against people and specifically against women is big business.

But I exist. So I seem to have a purpose.

Funny, how the feeling of ‘being able to exist’ and possibly having a purpose (existing + future + embedded in this world) takes a few seconds to turns into feeling unworthy again and from there to the other side of feeling that I must have a greater purpose than others if it feels this good. How addicty to go from high to low or from low to high while staying in the middle with acceptance that all people have the right to exist is difficult. 🙂 How the conditioning of judging immediately brings me away from the beautiful, peaceful experience I was having.

Why do I write this down? I have read other people’s blogs, very few as direct, dark and, if I may say ‘strange’ as mine. I don’t bake cakes. I write this down because THIS IS HOW MY LIFE IS – how I experience it. I have an addictive personality, that means that I prefer not to like to experience and live life as it is. That I want to a spiritual bypass of life by redesigning my experiences with substances and addictive behaviour.  And it is not working.

]I did not have the spiritual strength to set that right so alcohol happened. And then life happens and rock-bottom comes along to break down all that was wrongly put together in order to rebuild again from there. Hitting rock-bottom is a very natural process and a solid foundation. And as long as I do not listen to hints of life, I’ll keep on hitting it. 🙂

Spring is coming 🙂 I’m gonna check it out. 🙂

I am happy that I do not drink alcohol anymore. I find my travels interesting but very tiresome. I wish I had more stamina to actually stick to things. But I also see how letting go of judgments on how I should be (sereen, peaceful) and what I should do (yoga, cake baking, running) helps me to let go of the layers which for me are associated with that: judgement and the need for perfection. I am experiencing improvements.

But it could also be like ending up in the gutter and then trying to prove to the world I can still love me. 😀 Dunno :-). As of yet I am financially still 6-10 months away from the gutter so this leaves me some time to float.

I’m off, I hope you get something from this post. If nothing else than the comfortable feeling that you are way more structured 😉 and how not doing the right thing like structuring ones life leads to unstructure.

xx, Feeling

Free online summit: World Tapping event

Ooh, a bit late but you could get a view of all the vids in the last days of the 10th Annual World Tapping Summit. Register here.

Enjoy!

I am happy that I quit. Going through a difficult spot in time. Had some medical exams today. Pretty painful and in places where you would rather not find anybody poking, brought back nasty memories. So I should be taking my own advice and doing some tapping 😉 on nasty memories e.g.

A woman who loves herself would just go to bed. Again and again and again that seems to be a good thing to do. Wishing you a good, bright, sober day.

xx, Feeling

Higher Power

NEW! I think I understand the concept of the Higher Power. What?! Yay! Just read the post of Mike and it came to me; to me addiction is not living along the healthy bio-logically along which the Universe operates. To me this world is one of opposing energies, yin and yang if you will, which balance each other out. There is chaos and creation and then there is law and restriction; both are required to build this world and everything in it.

Now when I got addicted I was in a state of unbalance where the chaos and creation (well, more like ‘expansion’) was so big that law and restriction did not get a grip on it in the normal way. They send signs: hangovers, bad work results, financial problems, stupid arguments with family, lousy days after…. They send weight gain, the shame, the depression and bad skin, red hands, blood-shot eyes but I did not listen. That’s when the restriction needs to get bigger and bigger and bigger and rock-bottom enters. Well, I fell, actually literally. Ha! The ground was hard. But it was just and it was solid. And it finally got to me that I was being self destructive and I did not want that anymore.

A lot of things have happened in 2018 already. I spoke with my demon, do not agree with him totally but it gave me an opening: less shame. And I found that I could belong and that I do not HAVE to focus on the negative. Also I found that I can look for help. NEW! Today I realised that if I live along the rules of the Higher Power all will be ok.

And again that means that I should be in bed. Not behind a screen.

Wishing you a beautiful (sober), connected weekend.

I am happy that I quit and grateful, be it in a tiny bit of a sad way, for the things I learn these days.

xx, Feeling

 

Only as sick as your secrets

I have found peace in informing some friends and family that things are not going well and that I can not do things on my own. “Only as sick as your secrets” does not only apply to drinking – I feel freed now of a burden I did not really know I carried. Trying to ‘keep up appearances’ – I have been doing that so long that I do not even recall not feeling like I had to lie about what was going on.

There are a few thoughts / habits of thinking stuck in my head and the idea that asking for help means that I am helpless, have no control, am handed over to the mercy of whomever is one of them. This has been so in my youth and has stuck with me. Nah, don’t want to go there.

Today a friend came over and we did this exercise of ‘hey, I can make a modern art painting’ (NOT! ;-)). It was real good fun, trying to empty our heads, trying to detach from the outcome. Noticing that this was not possible and noticing all the stupid thoughts and feelings we have over putting paint on a piece of paper. 🙂 Good fun. Lousy results. 🙂 Loving it.

Well, the friend who visited is one of the women who helped my through my darkest period before I quit drinking. Just by being there with other friends on a weekly base and going out for diner. We would have so much joy to be together that it carried me through the week. Over the years we have become closer and today I opened up about ‘not being able to do this on my own anymore’. And as the others had said before her: “Thank god that you are finally giving in.”

We spoke about how I feel SO MUCH better now I spoke out. And how the force of denial kept me away from my core / my truth. And the energy that this denial costs. Not living in my core, not finding my feeting because of that. It is amazing. And I am grateful (well, in a bit of a sour way, true ;-)) that I can now, consciously and sober realise how this works. How much pressure denial puts on a person, how much energy it takes. It is amazing. I feel like I am rediscovering living.

Not sure how the practical side is going to work out. Need to speak with some people I guess and from there a plan will be drawn but actually – and I see some patterns here…. – I think I can do it from here myself. Bwaaahahahaa….. eh… yeah. Pattern? Like signing up for detox and counselling and then doing it by myself.  😀

So…. the challenge now is to not go into the idea that I am handed over like a lamb to the slaughter so that I do not have to run for my life in order to get out. And also, not to go into the help that ends up getting me hooked up to pills. Funny how fear for things is building up inside at the same time relaxation comes in from the other side.

There is something funny going on: yesterday and today I have not felt so at ease with myself since, say I was 14 years old (pre drinking) and on the other hand there is this fear of getting stuck in a system building. Like I am maintaining the balance of misery. That would be food for thought. I feel it is a tendency. An unlucky one. Because it will never get me to relax.

Aaah, hanging on to misery is familiar. It gives me structure. Humpf. 😦 Maybe I should have more faith.

Maybe, one of these days I could read through my blogs and note down all the things I have noticed in these lasts years. These energetic tendencies. Would be a great plan. Hahaha, would I dare to? 🙂 Would you dare to do that with your own blog / diary?

I am HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!!! 🙂 And a woman who loves herself would be in bed by now.

 

Wishing you a good sober day/night.

xx, Feeling