Online summit mindfulness & meditation

Hello,

Soundstrue organizes another (free) online summit on the subject of mindfulness and meditation. Sign up here. Start date is the 22nd of January.

I am happy that I quit drinking. I am currently taking another dive into my now selfdiagnosed sugar addiction. The hangovers are getting more obvious, the low moods, the lack of confidence, the cravings, the lying to myself – it is all there. Again… I was doing great and then life happened and I was not prepared so back to the chocolate – and you will not be surprised to hear that it came in a larger quantity. :-/

So, I am happy that I quit drinking but more in a tired way. Now I need to continue. Not sure where and when. Working on it. On and off.

A woman who loves herself would make more of an effort to love herself I guess. I have been torturing myself over not knowing what direction to take when it comes to working. No clue. Business idea was a good idea, when I was on a pink cloud of not eating sugar. Then I went back and everything became stupid. :-/ Not sure if they are related but it seems so similar. And so she said while taking another sip of the 3rd glass of sugared soft drink.

Last night I dreamed that I was spending time with a neighbour of mine. She drinks at dangerous levels. It was a horrible dream where I knew I did not drink but because of the sugar thing I kept on falling back into that addictive state of mind. Nasty. Very clear. Very nasty vibe of addiction. Strange thing is that I know I currently do not have the stamina to stop – but also: the addiction keeps the stamina from ‘growing’. It actually eats in on me – well, apart from where it makes me fat. 😀

The difference between ‘need’ and ‘desire’ is difficult for me. :-/

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening,

xx, Feeling

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Peer pressure – and that at my age…

Yesterday I was at a fair with several booths selling alcohol free drinks. One booth had a tasting going on. The drinks were not soda drinks but alcohol free imitations which were made with alcohol and then the alcohol got extracted. The guy abruptly moved into my personal space and without introduction asked me if I wanted to have a taste. More like: “DO YOU WANT TO TASTE!!!!?” My boundaries went up abruptly and I spat out a semi polite “No!!!”

Then I realised that was not such a nice reply and that I might be needing him in the future so I continued with “Thank you, but I would like some information about your company.” He started to walk off at the first word and then, reluctantly turned around again. Very unpleasant. I noticed internally that I did not want this ‘bad feeling’ to exist and that I wanted to be liked. Also, I had refused because I was scared. And because of his reaction I suddenly felt a sissy, a prude, an alcoholic with issues about trying AF. So I asked for his most popular product and he gave me a tasting glass.

I tasted one tiny, tiny, 3 drop zip of a supposed alcohol free wine. It tasted so real, you could have fooled me. I was flabbergasted to the point of freaking out internally.  Well, I am afraid he did fool me because when I asked if there really was no alcohol in it, he became vague and suddenly could not find the bottle he had poured it from. I could imagine a guy having worked for an AF-ish company for 10 years would know how much his most sold product contains – not?

So I handed it back to him and said: “Well, this is not for me because I do not like alcohol and this tastes way too much like alcohol. But compliments for the efforts, I would not have picked this out as alcohol free. That is quite exceptional. ”

By the way, for anybody wondering what I just said there: I did not mean that. I do not mean to compliment somebody on serving something which tastes like alcohol but presumably does not contain it. Or only contains a little. Obviously one can argue that it might be a good product for blablabla whatever situation. But… they all come down to ‘not being able to go without the taste’ or ‘not wanting to feel left out’. And those are 2 thoughts which actually promote the addictive state of this society – to my not so humble opinion.

So I learned three things:

1: AF imitations are not for me.

2: I presume that using AF imitations keeps people in the ‘drinking mode’ – but obviously one has to find that out yourself. I would say: stay on the safe side of sorry.

3: I experienced peer pressure I did not know I was sensitive to. And I reacted like I was 14 years old all over. Patterns, patterns, patterns, sigh :-). I learned now, again, to trust my instincts and if a guy looks like an asshole, breathes asshole vibes, talks like an asshole, he probably IS an asshole. Or, when put that while taking more responsibility for my own presence: When a person scares me with his/her behaviour, it is good to take note of that, stay alert and see if there is any evidence for this feeling. If his/her behaviour continues to be/feel destructive to me, I must find a way to either put it to a halt or not deal with this person. If that is not possible; take some distance by going to the toilet or something, recompose and then go back into the situation.

I am happy that I am sober otherwise I would have never realised what was going on. 🙂 And also, I would not have noted that the principle of “You can take a kid out of high-school, but you can not take the high-school out of the kid.” Still works for me. I fear that I, at that age, became the bully who told others they were sissies when not drinking. Sorry to the world 😦

I am happy that I quit. I feel so much better. To that: I am back on the chocolate again. Not sure what happened. Feeling the heartburn, the palpitations and the lack of stamina it gives me quite clearly now. It brings shame.

A woman who loves herself would quit eating chocolate. I don’t want to. I want to stay small and insignificant and unclear and in the clouds. I don’t want to grow up. The upside is: if I quit I am so much more aware and effective and present. And I experience growth again and things NEW which I have missed. And then there is this small voice saying: “But I have never done something with the end in mind?! I can’t do stuff because it is good for me?! I can only not do stuff because it is bad for me and because I feel ashamed that keeping on doing looks bad.”

Now that is some info I will leave here to rest because I can not deal with knowing it, with realising it. Currently my head goes in flight mode. Hmmm, I guess that is what addiction is like. Interesting. And gone. Suddenly cleaning the house is really important! 🙂

Wishing you a good sober weekend!

xx, Feeling

Standard unit of alcohol differs per country

Just found out that the worldwide standard unit for alcohol differs per country. That is so strange.  The UK has a 8 gram glass but the Canada and the US have a 13,6  and 14 gram standard. This is from Wikipedia:

Definitions in various countries

The amount of alcohol is stated in the table in both grams and millilitres. The number of standard drinks contained in 500ml (16.9 fluid ounces) of beer of 5% ABV (a typical large drink of beer) is stated for comparison.

Country Mass (g) Volume (mL) 500 mL of 5% ABV beer is
Australia 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Austria 20 25.3 1.0 standard drinks
Canada 13.6 17.2 1.4 standard drinks
Denmark 12 15.2 1.6 standard drinks
Finland 12 15.2 1.6 standard drinks
France 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Germany 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Hong Kong 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Hungary 17 21.5 1.2 standard drinks
Iceland 8 10 2.5 standard drinks
Ireland 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Italy 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Japan 19.75 25 1.0 standard drinks
Netherlands 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
New Zealand 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Poland 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Portugal 14 17.7 1.4 standard drinks
Spain 10 12.7 2.0 standard drinks
Switzerland 12 15.2 1.6 standard drinks
United Kingdom 8 10 2.5 units of alcohol
United States 14 17.7 1.4 standard drinks

I am happy that I quit. Today mostly because I don’t want to have to do that all over again. Because of Dry January there are a lot of people sweating it over not drinking. Reading that I think back and realise it is so nice not to wake up and thinking “OMG! What did I drink last night?!”

For anybody who is having trouble, see if you can find some inspiration in this:

“The longer you do not drink, the stronger you will get and the more cravings will fade.”

“If you drink now, all the time you have spent sober is wasted and you have to do that again.” (which is true, and from other points of view not true – but take it as true because you WILL at some point have to deal with what is happening when you have a craving. Might as well be now. 😉 Actually, there is no other time than now. 🙂 )

“Cravings, in general, last six minutes.” So you might want to go do something else. Like clean out the dishwasher or empty a drawer and clean the bottom or clean the outlet of your washing machine. When was the last time you cleaned the rack or lines on which you hang your washing? Huh? Maybe your Christmast tree is still out. You can start taking it down till you are ok and then continue when another craving comes. 🙂 Or take your time to start your own blog! You do not have to post what you write. Or you could go do the free online alcohol desensitization course I did too. Trying to work through the manual alone will not allow your mind to wander anywhere else. 😀

A woman who loves herself would take a break from working and blogging now and have real break. So, leaving you here.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day.

xx, Feeling

0:00 deadline surfing

Handed in my business plan for my project in a contest. The deadline was 7 january 2018. I handed it in at 0:00. Worked my ass off to get it done. Obviously my computer got stuck at the last moment on an update. Now I’m not sure if I’m ‘in’ or out. Ghegheghe… I guess this case will give the people at the receiving end a moment to think about as well. We shall see.

I am happy that I quit. If I had not quit I would not be able to pull off writing a business plan in 9 hours. And I would be worrying about all kinds of details and it not being perfect while now I sort of enjoyed racing against the clock and seeing where I would end up. I worked standing, that helps too. 🙂 Very addicty all in all, this on an off button I have.

If I get anywhere with this it would mean a coming out as ‘ex-drinker’. If I make it to the top 10 it would be in the Dutch press. Ghegheghe…. so I think…. I should be looking for some support just to make sure I keep on being stable. Why not go from total anonymity to nationwide exposure in a few days… Luckily they are bound by secrecy and I can always withdraw the plan when I can not deal. I hope. Friend said so. Did not check… hmmm…

I intend to write out replies to negative comments from people in the coming days. I have these conversations in my head where people react with disdain to me having (had) issues with alcohol. I need to find myself in that to not be flustered by them and harden myself a little – while staying flexible and making sure I judge things well. Well, yeah, I sort of want to give myself media training so I feel safer. And keep my blood pressure down in contact with the non-believers.

The product/idea I want to sell is related to addiction. In order to sell it to the public and the board of the award I want to do an anonymous, digital privilege walk where the ACE’s are points in which you ‘score’ or not.  ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. The more ACE points someone scores, the higher the risk of e.g. becoming depressed, developing substance abuse, being raped at later age, teen pregnancies, financial issues,  suicide attempt and the whole list of everything nasty shit including e.g. developing COPD.

Or maybe I’ll draw up common thoughts and expressions about alcohol and substitute the word ‘beer’ and ‘wine’ and ‘drink’ by banana. That is hilarious and really shows what people are saying. “Yeah, well, I really wanted to leave but she offered me a new banana so…. well, you know, it was one of those nights and finally I ended up in bed at 03:00 hours. I’m never gonna eat bananas again.” Gheghegheghe…. that would be hilarious and link nicely with the product I am selling which is about awareness for the common people so to say.

Well, that was quite an experience. Now it is 02:25 hours here and I still need to make my bed. Which I shall do as a good girl. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am exploring some boundaries again and I notice that I like it. I am not expecting all too much from the competition but it would make contacting several organisations so much easier so that would be nice. No matter what, I have given myself til the end of january to work the plan out. If I have not managed to get certain people aboard by then I need to go looking for a job. Wish me luck! 🙂

A woman who loves herself would be more proud of what she had done. But most of all she would have started earlier and not have Netflixed 2 hours yesterday. But then again: I can not work when things inside me are not working with me. I needed to find that spot from where I could speak. And it happened only at 15:00 today so… that’s that. Forcing it is not an issue. I know that. And still…

Well, bedtime. Wishing you a nice sober week!

xx, Feeling

Emotional sobriety

I think I have come to the point where I can say that for me, with my addictive personality and the way my body reacts to things I can not be emotionally sober without quitting sugar. As far as I know myself I can not do the in-between, I always do ‘yes’ or ‘no’. typical addict trait, typical trait of a person with vanishing twin syndrome.

I do not have it in me to stop right now I think. But I will continue this because I need 100% of me for my project. So I will continue to deal as I started when quitting drinking: Keep on writing down the questions that come up. Try to find answers to what is most pressing. Breaking things up into small bite size pieces. ‘How to stop drinking  / quit eating sugar?’ becomes:

How can I stop drinking? I don’t know.

How would I learn? -> I would ask somebody who has stopped drinking. Or people who tell others how to stop drinking.

I don’t know where to find these people? -> Google Is Your Friend.

But then my computer history is going to be about drinking and I don’t want that to be so obvious. -> How do I delete / turn of the internet surf history -> Ask your teenage boy/girl…. 😉 or the help page of your browser.

Ooh my, there are so many organisations. Where do I go? -> write down what you like, go with your gut feeling or sort on price or Google for ‘compare detox centres’ or something like that.

Hey, there are several way to deal with quitting drinking. How do I choose? -> Inform yourself well and given time you will come up with what suits you best.

And in the whole process things like this pop up: There are organisations which help people. Do I need help? NO!!! At which moment I think to notice self-sabotage. So: ok, is that true? If I look at it from the outside it is probably not true. But I don’t want to get help because it will make me feel addicted and I do no want that? Am I addicted? How much do other people drink? (Google is your friend) What is a safe maximum of drinks. Oooh, 14, that is ok, I only do X. Ooh! 14 Is per week. Aaah…. Hmmm :-/ Ok. I need some time to adjust here. Let’s take a …. oh no… Gosh! I might actually have a problem?!

Googling stuff works, but sometimes also brings one further from home than is functional. And specifically being open to examine the internal sabotage helps immensely. Then at some point things fall into place. And with that; keep on starting over and over and over again till you are where you need to be.

Or as they say 😉

goodjudgmentcomesfromexperience

But hey! todayisthefirstdayoftherestofyourlife

And at some point the shit that weighs you down will not allow you to feel like there is a future. It is important to deal with shit in your life. Also, it is important to ever when you are ready, realise that you ARE not the shit in your life. You are NOT what happened to you.

considerforamomentwhatyoucallyourpersonality

Nobody ever woke up saying: “I want to be an addict.”. Ever.

I realise that if I ‘just’ quit sugar I would safe myself a whole lot of time. 😀 Not sure if I can. Not pushing. I am pushing the no chocolate to a certain extend but not the no sugar. Yet.

I am very happy that I quit. Specifically now I feel progress within me again. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would go do what she planned to do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober weekend!

xx, Feeling

2018 is going to be great!

Heya,

Hope you had a good, healthy, joyful start of the year 2018. I did! I quit eating chocolate about 7 days ago, slipped once but wow, I am feeling sooo much better.  I’m BACK! Did and did not know that it had such an influence on me. Gone is the tiredness, gone is the feeling of mweh, gone is the thinking and not doing. Yay!

And this is possibly, in all honesty, also caused by some sexy non-sex with the ex-colleague . And, to that, we have decided not to take it further because of his marital status. He is divorcing her, has been living apart for 3 years now, in separate countries… so… but…. I don’t want to go there. Also, he’s 16 years younger so I keep on getting the feeling that at some point there is no future anymore. And I’m already falling in love with this sweet and dark guy as we go along so – quit before it is too late.

Having another guy sort of sweet talking himself almost into my pants is was sort of complementary – apart from the fact that he too is married. This rascal almost put me back on my old rascal tracks and it was difficult to keep the floozy within in check but hey, I did it. Hurray for not drinking! 🙂 So much better for other people’s marriages…

So, they go, or do not go back to their respective families and I am here with no work and most possibly no benefits either because I am still listed at the Chamber of Commerce as a company. Which is funny because I have paid for the benefits insurance over the last years and I am not active as a company anymore.

However, I felt the energy sucking motion of the online bureaucracy and thought to myself: this is not the path I want to walk. I need to do what I think is right. During a meditation a project which has been in my mind sprung forward and I’m following up on that now. As a self-employed person that would be. I set myself a deadline for the end of january; the main players in my project need to be on board otherwise there is not enough time to arrange all of it. The project is actually about addiction. But a more commercial version of it. Yup, commerce… does that clash with sobriety in your ears/eyes? Not in mine so far since my AF drinks are way more expensive than the beer I used to buy so….. And, with that: the wholesale price must be lower so I’m guessing shops can/could make more money on it. If the turn-over is high.

Whatever, I’m gonna try. And I’m finding that with moving into the world with this I have to deal with my shame. Working on that. :-). Having a hug-buddy who does not drink either helps. Funny how this ‘confirmation of the sober me within an intimate setting’ actually helps.

I also have to deal with stupid people with aggression against the idea of going alcohol free. I’m trying that online currently where I comment on Facebook posts which are either about being sober or drinking. Have any of you done that? I find it quite difficult not to end up in flames. 🙂 But as this is a trial for my project I have turned it into a learning experience. I realise I was the same. I realise that the person who is shouting out and trying to ridicule and shame me over nothing but a suggestion or some data still lives in the fable of Lalaland. He is as I was. I need to learn to deal because if my project works I will be speaking with a lot of people about addiction for a full year and haha, that could .. challenge me. 🙂

NEW: with being less tired, more aware, gone chocolateless (not sugerless totally, substituting with mandarins and pineapple currently, they come out of my ears). I can focus on progressing again. Ever since I got deeply into the chocolate the progress seemed to stop and depression and moaning introduced themselves. Currently on my mind is sticking to the subject when working on the project. Setting goals within the day and then seeing how I lalalalalaaaalalala step away from them. I’m using my egg-timer again. Every time it rings I need to check if I’m sticking to the task. 😀 It might sound funny but this is a very helpful tool.

In line of these ‘stick to the subject’ I am actually starting to think I should edit my posts. In a few years I’ll go back and analyse all the posts and see how many times I said this. Well, there is, within me, a need for organisation. The tile from the former post has made me think that I have hidden myself for way too long. Now, when working on my project I try to keep myself in check and focus on the up and out into the light instead of down and into depression and ‘I can’t, I’m too tired, I’m broken, I’m not enough, it will never work mode’.

Because today is the first day of the rest of my life. 🙂 Anything is possible and if I do not try I will never know.

considerforamomentwhatyoucallyourpersonality

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I quit drinking. In a way sorry that it had to take me so long to try again with the chocolate but I guess that is how it works; if you don’t pay attention to the true inner voices you will not go in the right direction.

I don’t want to have to excuse myself anymore. I am regrowing my backbone. Did some tapping on that. NEW. Works nice. Good tool.

I am happy that I quit, not always liking what I see but getting more at ease with myself. Speaking with the hug-buddy and being open about things, giving myself the time and the authority not to do things which are crossing lines has helped. Being met nicely in that has helped too. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would follow the tiny things in her head more. Like ‘clean the desk’ when it is dirty instead of postponing it. That makes me feel so much better. It gives energy because otherwise I beat myself up over procrastinating and that costs way more energy. And the self-loathing. Pfiew. There was a time where I could deal with those ‘shoulds’ and say a woman who loves herself now chooses to clean her desk / not clean her desk. I will go back there. I keep a list with how I apply my time during the day and in that file there is a column of learning experiences.

I meditate in the morning for about a month now I think. Sometimes a little yoga. And now I’m off to bed because I want to get up on normal times again.

Wishing you a good sober, joyful, inspiring 2018! May your tribe prosper and the gods of sober development be with you!

xx, Feeling

Hole in the soul

I want to write but somehow I do not finish a post and when I do I re-read it (NEW) and start changing stuff (NEW) until I get lost and then start a new post. That has been going on for a few weeks now. So I’m trying again. See what comes up.

In short: I have been all over the place since I left my job 2 weeks ago but things are settling down now and my last official working day finished 8 hours ago.

The wife of my boss whispered another ‘you really need to get laid’ in my ear when we parted. And I do not want to go into this feeling again but I need to list it for future reference because I want to inform you and myself that really this is how people are. #Metoo and me telling her 4 times over that I do NOT want her to discuss anything sexual about me did obviously not reach her. So again I leave a workspace not because I want to but because I am not able to deal with the (stupidity of) other people. (Arrogance much?) Guess this needs to change at some point. She also said that she had never in her life met somebody whose personality was so alike that of her husband (my boss) and that it had astounded her again and again: ‘You seem to be the same person, you think and act alike.” He and I differ 3 days in age so I guess there is some proof for horoscopes. 🙂

I took her up on the needing to get laid and I started ‘dating’ one of the workfloor guys. Ghegheghe… there I was thinking it would be easy. Had a sober-first kiss (NEW), had a sober first bra taken off (NEW), the girls fell down (NEW 😦 ) and got a sober first fright like “WHAAAA!!!! Not sure if I am up to do this.” I had a lot of flashback to unhappier sexual activities. Not nice. I was afraid that would happen now when trying to have sober sex and being more aligned with my senses. But I had not thought it would show up so quickly with so little trigger. One hand lustfully groping instead of holding and feeling set off all the alarm bells. Well, well… yes, I had seen it coming. Yes I did not listen to me (he is gorgeous, like drooling from the corner of my mouth gorgeous – when I first saw him I had this surge of ‘I want’ going through me – psychiatrist say you need to quickly run away when that happens but, hey, I do things the hard way…. I am entitled to stupidity so Thou shalst not deny me more stupidity and misery 🙂 ).  Lucky me he is as complicated as I am so I guess now we are not fuck-buddies but hug-buddies with a tiny hint of sexy. And that is actually really really nice. 🙂 I just found 2 Tantra books in my cabinet and I’m thinking I should work through these to see if they can help me with this. Letting go is another important possibility.

I notice that I am loud about stuff which is important to me. I do not want to be like that anymore. I miss my more considered self. Not sure why I need to be all out there. I guess it is another state of addiction of not wanting to feel. 😦 I am so tired of living. So tired of being me. When addiction goes untreated things go wrong in a person. I guess that has been happening with me over the last 1,5 year or so. I don’t want to write about it. And it is not all bad, although I am so very tired of, well, yeah, being me. Lately I also noticed that my whole body, my energy system is starting to function again. I can laugh again sometimes, relax, enjoy and joke again. I am cleaning my house, just sorted out a meter of books to sell or give away. I am cooking again. I helped out my friend a few days with his shop. So, I guess that is all good.

This new liveliness might have to do with the homeopathic medicine I am taking. I am still on the medicine  Vernix Caseosa which is (diluted, diluted, diluted!) waxy stuff from a newborn baby. It is meant to create an extra layer around a person. I guess I could do with that. 🙂 And obviously the hug-buddy is of influence on my kundalini. 😀

The homeopathic medicine does however bring all kinds of things about my vanished twin brother to the surface. So much that I did not want to involve myself with the subject anymore and turned off FB to read a book. Ooh, gosh, this is about twins. Hmm, let’s watch a movie. Aaaah, movie about twins. Well, might as well turn Facebook back on. Look a cute movie about two girls, one black, on white and they, oooh, they think they are twins. Aah.. well, I’ll just take the train to my friend and gosh, this men sitting opposite me starts talking to me about his lost sister and twin-sister. Right….

My heart had difficulty beating those days, it literally hurt, it was so heavy, so sad. I spoke with a friend and she said, if it were her issue she would go to a shaman and then she mentioned one. (She also told me to go to the GP btw but I feared I would be on intensive care an hour later if I would, so I did not.) Did not know there were shamans in the Netherlands! So I googled him; the google maps photo of his practise has a woman with a twin pram in front of it. I can’t even think this shit up.

twinpram

 

In continuance of the twin brother issues: I have dreamt of my boss walking around in my dreams trying to find me and tell me that he misses me. There is this glass layer between us and I think he can not see me, he is just searching while I am standing there. Frozen in time. I can not react because if we would connect we would both explode with all the built up energy and things unsaid. No, don’t worry, nothing sexual – but I guess there is a weirdness over the closeness we had which would normally be worked out sexually. But that would have been an absolute no-no. It would not work either, I energetically zoomed in once on him once trying to find his sexual energy and all I found is that he’s not my cup of tea. I felt him energetically zoom in at me several times and slammed the door shut. Hmm, did I tell you that was after I let him appraise me several times while I was being brainy and al managerial. In order to be effective it is better to slam the door shut when he thinks he can enter, not? 😀 Ooh, sorting out what is true in this is so confusing when in the situation. Guessing here denial is a tool for survival too.

I don’t know, well, I do know; the moment we first met he mentioned that we differ 3 days in age and at that moment I projected this ‘You are my lost twin brother!’ thing on him. He was my brother, I was his sister. My brothers always need taking care off even before they know that themselves. The die, so I need to save them, I needed to save my boss. Not sure what his issue is. Ooh, I do know! It is exactly what is going on: he can not be in contact, he can not find ‘me’ (his sister) She is there, all is well, and then she leaves. Oh my god. How sad! His wife says he is an autist. That is not true, he just can’t find her. He is living his trauma. Oh my god. This is so sad. (Well, projected sad but I think I’m right here). My former former boss (the woman) said about him: ‘He can not hold onto his staff’ – that is such a typical vanishing twin thing: not being able to hold on to, well, anything. Always, always on the road, searching for I don’t know what. Well, I do know. 😦 Looking for the person who is not there. To feel whole again. To fill this hole in the soul.

Ever since we have been in this brother-sister bond where we assume to understand each other completely, take that for granted as if we have known eachother for years and are angry when this in reality does not seem to be so. And as in any brother – sister relation sex sometimes pops up by accident and is banished immediately too. And anger builds there because anger is a solid foundation to base a decision on. So I guess, looking back, it is not strange that I left. Looking back I think the alternative was an enormous falling out. To those not familiar with Vanishing Twins, there are some education vids on YouTube if you like. Mainly it is about people who were created as twin or multiple of which one or more died in the womb. Funny in a not so funny way this influences the personality a lot. Almost all things found in addiction can also be found in the life of a person who is a half twin. I see the connection there within me. Does not have to be, but I’m thinking there is. For me there is truth in it.

Well, I have started to meditate. My hug buddy is from somewhere Middle-East and he says: “If I have problem I sit down and think of nothing. It is good. You think too much. Relax.” 🙂 ❤ How is that not good for me :-). So I sit down and think of nothing. 🙂

My birthday falls in this period before Christmas. I always cry a lot the days before I have my birthday. Again and again I feel like I failed at life. While actually I did an amazing thing this year: got the company I worked for to a hell of a high score on their certification. Learned that I could learn and manage an enormous load of new information in a short time and make company policy out of that. Aah, well, I can try to be grateful for that but mainly I am sad because I had to leave to make myself safe again.

I did realise one thing: I have several things which are repetitive, the thought of ‘I have to leave anyway’ and ‘They will destroy it anyway’ and ‘If it is nice it will go away.’ have stuck with me for all my life. No idea who They are but in my life I can always point out some ‘they’s’. Well, at some point in time the last week I realised that the assumption that I have to leave anyway comes from having to leave the womb. This theory just aligned for a few seconds with all my cells so I guess it is one of those personal truths. My mother said I came into this world SCREAMING with anger, no, rage. My mother, baby/kids nurse for I think at least 4 years, had never in her life seen such an angry baby. I found it all very unfair to be born (this way?). Guess that is one of the ‘childish’ notions I have about this life: unfair. I’m thinking these notions stop me from doing what I need to do. And obviously Facebook helped me along with this beautiful tile:

considerforamomentwhatyoucallyourpersonality

I think I should write a post on answering that question for myself. Things are ‘separating’ within. One second I can be in an emotional hell and the other moment I think: ‘mwoah, let it go, let it go, it is not now.’ Which often works. But then I can step back into the ‘drama’ (?) easily too, like with the trying of having sexy action.

For a while I have been thinking that I (we humans?) tend to hold on to experiences too long. Letting go would make life so much easier. Not there yet but it is starting to happen. Need to keep on meditating. 🙂 The cat LOVES it when I sit down. She climbs on my lap and sleeps within no time. No tail wagging which is her normal restless situation. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would pay more attention to herself but shit I have so much I need to hide from. I can not do ‘this life’ on my own. It just often hurts too much to be aware off. I prefer Netflix then. But I guess I have to sort out how and where to work. No inspiration yet.

Yesterday, when the hug buddy came along I had bought some clay as an inspirational act which I thought: let’s follow that. I started making a little baby, my brother. With whatever part of the body I was claying I had these flashbacks to his health. Somehow I think that if I know why he died I do not have to blame myself.

The man I met on the train was mentally handicapped (is that how you say this?). He reminded me a lot of my brother. I wonder if my brother was mentally handicapped too. Thing is: in the womb that does not matter yet, the womb is about existing – well, moving in and out of existence sometimes but building up a connection to the body, settling, incarnating. And awareness of the world and body slowly grows and is there. From the experience in which I relived being in the womb and seeing, feeling my brother die I know that awareness was already there. We as people in this life just don’t remember it because we are trained in mental and physical skills in this world, not in awareness. The overstressing of the importance of mental skills diminishes the awareness. And then later, after we all got addicted we go do yoga and meditate to get the awareness back 😉 .

The clay puppet is not done yet. Can’t finish anything these days. So I left it under a wet paper. Now the bottom side of the puppet is soaked and feels as yukkie as the body of my brother did when he died. I’m thinking this clay practise is a good thing because it gives me a canvas (well, clay) to project on. Things just ‘pop up’. Like folding and bending and forming and then suddenly: the neck was not like that, the head was (still) bend forward. I guess tiny things like these will at some point enable me to find the age range in which he died. But I don’t want to look at fetus photo’s now because that could influence my process.

Well, that is a long post again. And another one for me more than for you possibly. I am not fully selfish if you think so. I worked in my friends shop for 1,5 days, helped a lost and crying woman at the train station, ha, found another cat and got it back to its owner (this time all online, but still). Cooked for a friend, for neighbours, for my family. Gave some spiritual advise to a friend of mine. And I gave some Dutch lessons to a Middle East man but, well, that turned into something totally different. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would really really really start to take better care. I have no clue how to incorporate that other than through not feeling ashamed for outside sources. Ooh, that is called accountability. 🙂 So, I guess I need to keep on inviting a certain person to my house in order to clean it well. Or…? Isn’t it funny that biology can fix in one afternoon what I myself could not do on will power for half a year? vacuuming my floor and cleaning out some rubbish. 🙂 If that is the way, that is the way.

I’m off to bed. I wish you all a nice, sober, aware holiday season. Remember whatever shit you might find yourself in: there is no problem that does not get worse with drinking. 🙂 And for those who are still on the fence when it comes to drinking and whose mind does not want to compute the double negative here is the simple version: alcohol always makes everything worse. Just so you know. I did not for years. I thought alcohol made things better. That is a lie you have been fed by the alcohol industry and society and now your own internal addict might be telling you the same lies. That is nasty. But for me, realising this statement is true will made it easier to fight urges. Well, it quenched the urges. Or helped me to see them as a passing train. Standing on the track trying to block the urge train with will power is tiring and in the end pretty destructive. Stepping away from the track to a safe distance and just letting the urge train pass is way nicer. And easier. 😉 Wishing you strength and wisdom if you need it. I will most likely not be doing anything with Christmas so feel free to mail or comment.

I am happy that I quit. I would have made such a huge mistake with the hug-buddy otherwise. 🙂

xx, Feeling