#Metoo

The #metoo ‘movement’ is upsetting me so I turned away from news and Facebook. I have difficulty with the negative reactions from ‘everybody’ to women sharing their painful stories. There is a (not so) funny thing to sexual abuse; in my life every man seems to take this heroic stance against it saying things like “If that happened to my girlfriend/daughter I would kill him/cut his balls off and feed them back to him blabalbabla.” But in reality these are the same guys who say things like:

“Now we’ve gotten this far I’m not gonna stop.”
“You want this as bad as I do, I just know it.”
“He meant that as a compliment, not an insult, you can’t go around being offended all the time somebody you don’t know squeezes your ass?! I mean, what would life look like?!”
“If you don’t want the attention you should not have looked at him in the first place.”
“See how she walks, she is asking for it.”
“So why did you go kissing with him anyway?”
“Well, you knew him, it is not like you did not know him and he grabbed you from the streets.”

In one case it was actually a person who stood by laughing when one of his friends pushed his fingers in my vagina. I was 12, it was not wanted, it hurt. I was scared, trembling, fighting in the water. The lifeguard whom I told later spit out: “Go away you, with your, dirty words”.

In my life that is more reality than the killing and cutting off balls. When later in life I told boyfriends, they worry about themselves, about them having picked ‘damaged goods’. The did not worry about me. They just wanted to know, if not know, when I would be ready for sex. To that I got responses about the wrong choice of men. There should be a third hashtag, one that says:

#Ihaveblamedvictimstobeabletodealwithmyowndiscomfortabouttheirpain.

This Friday I had a meeting with a guy from another factory which happens to bake cakes. Opposite the street a blond woman with a short skirt, red high heels tried to open a front door of a office building. She was carrying a box which looked like a cake box and then suddenly tilted it over. We both gasped and then started laughing; ‘Guess there was no cake in that box after all.” He continued: “She works there with 5 guys, only women in the building and she dresses like that.”

“What does that mean to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you comment on her dressing like she does, but what conclusions do you, as a man draw from what you see?”

I was just really curious, specifically because I could not ‘find’ the woman ‘feelingwise’ – it was like she had dressed up a doll and she was the doll. I felt a big, big disconnect between possible dressing ‘signals’ and behaviour of the woman. So I was wondering how he perceived it – as a man. Come to think of it: wearing 12cm high heels to the office is strange even in the Netherlands but it was Friday so maybe she had an after work party.

“Well, I am wondering if she is looking for something.”
“Something like a relationship or approval for her looks?”
“Yeah, I mean, she is drawing attention to herself. Well, obviously she could be wearing that just because she likes it and it makes her feel good…” (This man has been trained well with politically correct answers, ghegheghe….)
“What bothers me in this whole ‘look what she is wearing’ discussion in this world is the following: For men to be sexy to women they just have to be strong and impressive and make themself seen with decisive, manly behaviour. Whenever you see a man behaving strong and impressive, there is NO-ONE, LITERALLY NO ONE judging him for being too sexual. Have you, in your life, ever told toughest guy of the group to tone down because he is ‘asking for it?’
“Gheghe, no…..” (laughing at the idea)
“The biological AND cultural idea behind women is that they are supposed to be beautiful. That is engrained in our culture. It is what women, girls, babies, well, no matter what gender, everybody grows up with. And the second one women does whatever she grew up with, for whatever reason there is this judgement about her sexuality. First:it is not for anybody to judge. Just. Not. And specifically not if we are not prepared to hold men to the same standards. What is it in this world that we judge a women by their sexuality first and foremost. As in; always and everywhere. And then that it is normal and ok?!
“Eh, yeah, eh, true… hmmm….” (looking surprised at the novelty of the idea)
Secondly: it is often not HER sexuality you are judging, it is your, my, our response to her sexuality which gets voiced. Like religious man who need a woman to cover herself up totally, because otherwise she is a “whore and leading men on, needs to be raped to show her her place.” (not my opinion btw). That is not about the woman, that is about the man who can not take responsibility for his own sexuality.”
“Yeah.”
“But you and I judging her dress like that actually is the same projection of our thoughts on her. Not saying there is no truth in it what we think, there could be, don’t know. But I do not think it is up to anybody to judge women like this, to hold them to different standards than we do men and thirdly: it says nothing about her, but all about what WE THINK OF her.
“I never thought about it like that.”
“Nope. It took me a while to figure this out. But I think it is important to realise.”
“Yeah.” (surprised but content)

#didmyfeministthingtoday

I am happy that I quit, be it in a obliged, sort of struggling way. I have been visiting my GP every week for ‘check back’ and I think I am out of the suicide danger zone again. So I guess that is good. When down I don’t want help anymore. So I don’t really tell people. I don’t care anymore. Just don’t want to be trouble. Again.

Now I am here where I am I can not imagine that I can turn so dark. It seems to be a different world. Not that I am basking in light right now but, well, I am sort of, hesitatingly willing to give life another try. Which, I am very well aware, is a luxury position towards Life and can and possibly will offend anybody out there who is facing illness or accident or any other unwanted life threatening situation. 😦

Life wants to live, so when the environmental issues change the seeds will grow again. What I did this time around is to realise that and remember what my mom said: Next to having cancer and being sad about that, I can be happy. The one does not rule the other one out.

Guessing the homeopathic stuff has done its work too. First time I took it I was in heaven for a brief moment and then went up and down like an emotional roller coaster. Second time the good moments started to reappear. Third time I realised that I had not thought of killing myself the whole day. Guess that is progress and now I could even have the above conversation with this guy and not have any alterations in my blood pressure.

I still do not have any energy to actually take care of myself and that is difficult when trying to face this darkness. Work is effing tough. Not sure if I can hold on to this job when the contract ends. I am doing everything to get stuff done, which includes organising myself more and better and changing perceptions etc. But in the end it keeps on coming down to one point: if 20-30 people without management are not going to follow the rules my boss and I have set I am out of a job. I have very little influence on the crowd because I am not in the chain of command and I am not allowed to be there. Sometimes I am, but then bossman takes it back. So recipe for disaster and destruction of energy. Boundaries are good but haha, not my greatest asset. 😀

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would put on socks because her feet are freezing, painful and blue.

Why is it soooo difficult to take care of me? ‘Because you are worth it’ springs to mind. I do not think I am worth it. Not sure how that thought got there. Guess somewhere I drew the conclusion that I am not worth it. I can’t give what I don’t have. Same goes for parents. I guess my insisting on care from my mom confronted her with her own limited energy and lack of self-care. #Shetoo.

I salute my possibility to end a post which at least somewhere had a positive ring to it on a low note.:-D Sigh.

Ok, one more thing, I just searched the internet for ‘why is self-care so difficult’ Found a nice one which runs along with the work stress:

Tim Kreider puts his finger on the problem, writing in a 2012 New York Times blog that “Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy…”

Another blog stays things about shame. I guess I am actually healing because I just looked that up! Yay!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

I have turned on the heater, it was 15 degrees in the house so no wonder I was cold.

Thank you for reading, thank you for sticking with me during these times.

I am happy that I quit! That what comes after is not easy, I guess it is the darkness I preferred to drink away. When I read back I notice that I still shift emotions like I’m in an emotional roller coaster. Looking at it from the outside it is really strange. I don’t want to do the work I have to do to get myself sorted out. I feel I have already done so much and it is not fair and…. very often not rewarding because things just hurt a lot. As in ‘just hurt’ the whole day. Like I am missing the outer layer of skin all over and specifically on my heart.

Wishing you a nice Sunday/evening/day/new week.

xx, Feeling

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Teal Swan on feeling not ‘normal’

Must watch vid on disconnection and, as Teal Swan says it ‘parallel realities’. I am guessing all of you will recognise this and possibly, as I did, have a good cry over understanding how denial of emotions makes people feel different and not normal.

 

Times are difficult for me currently. Well, guessing I have not brought another tone to this blog for a long time. Work is getting harder and harder. My job is the only one with measurable results but for the results to happen I depend on a whole bunch of others who…. do not exactly care, always. At least not when they do not feel like it. And there is nobody to make them feel like it so…  hmmm. Outside consultants have come in again.

When watching the above vid I realise that my boss and I speak from different points of view. Well, whatever. Life is difficult. Living is difficult. Nights are difficult with a lot of dreaming and memories from early life. Dreaming again that my brother is dying. Remembering the nightmares I used to have as a child about that. Remembering how my mother and brother had this bond where I was not welcome. How I rebelled against that. How my dear brother snugly dug himself into my mother’s lap even more in times like that.

My GP mentioned how every time she meets me she is gets this tremendous feeling of ‘loneliness’ with me. And I guess that is true. When I am in the mood I have been for the last months I feel alone, no matter what and how. And I do not want to connect because that only means that I will hurt more because ‘people do not understand me’. I guess that is the dramatised version of reality but it is one in which I live a lot of the time. I guess that is why blogging is a good way of expressing myself: I do not have to look people in the eye and see that they are repulsed, not understanding or pitying me.

I live in extremes. In the world where I live it looks like I invented extremes. Which I put out here as a sort of joke, or to mellow down the statement of living in extremes, trying to show that I can put things in perspective – but actually, haha, I guess you noticed that is not a strength of mine. And maybe because I do not share intimacy in real life, I never get to get out of that extreme state.

I invite you into my mad world and nobody follows. But then again, being in dire need of connection is something like needing a lone: only if you already have money the bank will loan money. Hmmm, dark.

Another dark thing: I dreamt that somebody spotted a dark presence around me and in that dream I could (suddenly?) separate the darkness I carry around in times from myself. I find it funny to think of it as two different ‘people’ or ‘realities’. Strange though that it felt very fitting. I find it a little, may I say ‘carnavalesque’ to attribute feelings to other entities like ‘angels’ or ‘bad ghosts’ but at that moment somebody mentioned that my brother (twin supposedly died in womb) was still with me and that he was luring me into the darkness as to be together again because he envies me because I live. My mind finds it utter nonsense, even so much that I have difficulty writing this down. But feelingwise it fitted totally. And then again: maybe that is ‘just’ dream logic, trying to fit things together to make keep it understandable for the mind. Well, it would explain the bouts of darkness flushing me in my life where I did not know where they came from. And the lightness I experience ever so suddenly.

In the sober world it is good practise to divide ourselves into the good person and the addict within. The addict within gets a name and that is how it is handy (at first) to separate what part we need to listen to and what part we need to ignore or even fight. I found this separation of ‘myself’ and the ‘addict within’ very helpful when quitting drinking. Over time my view changed and I realised that the addict within is me/is me too/is part of me/ is my way of dealing with life. A not so very handy way of dealing, but me. Not something ‘external’. Very good, very, very helpfull to attribute traits to this addict and villanies him/her though; makes it so much easier to recognise stuff and keep away from.

Well, what I wanted to log is that lately I switch from being perfectly happy and content to darkness as I have not known it earlier in my adult life. These switches happen in seconds. Very, can’t find the word, strange and… still can’t find the word, well, it concerns me. But I mainly notice the switch to light, not to the darkness because that is ‘normal’. Also there is a third phase in which I just watch me being all clustered up in my own emotions. This part that I call the real me: the part which is aware that I am thinking, which is aware that I am feeling stuff. This part is not part of the feelings but watching it.

I go to that place more often, well, ha, mostly because it is too tiring to be me currently. When I am there I can only wonder at the drama I carry, create, uphold. The gain of the drama is to keep me from feeling what I really feel. And there is a part which wants to keep me from being conscious. Being conscious comes with a price and the prices to me sometimes looks like utter madness as in ‘the reality of this world is so different from what we think that it is hard for the mind to grasp’. I have little experience and little words in that reality where I experience life and all with what I call my consciousness but it sort of looks like the idea of reality, matter, the body image and time e.g. are concepts to enable the mind and body to do their mind and body thing in time. Not sure if that makes any connection to anybody anywhere. So yeah. 😀 The madness comes in when I, my daily ‘I’ get afraid of the experience and try to hold on to the normal world idea. Which teaches me that hahaha, attachment causes pain. :-/ Gosh.

Well, more platitudes where that came from: in that reality everything is connected. But not sure if I understand it correctly because people I hear speaking about that are mainly all caught up in the romance of that while for me it is only a ‘fact’ (?) with no love or hate feeling to it. But then again: connection has always been a challenge for me.

When I am ‘there’ it is like all the shields I have, all the attachments, all drama’s fall from me like the leaves from a lotus unfolding and they keep unfolding and unfolding eternally. That experience/feeling is actually to me very accurate – as if it is literally happening around me. And after a while, actually a few seconds already, it turns very scary. Well, it starts of as this beautiful experience and then attachment walks in and eeeeeeehks! 😀 Ghegheghe… lesigh. Also, it takes me to the edge/over the edge of the feeling of ‘existing’ of well, ‘normal’. It is an exciting place to wander but I am guessing that, with the wrong mindset, intention, lack of foundation in this world, it might be a dangerous place for the mind. I am guessing my path leads me to explore the boundaries of that alternate reality I am experiencing there but I am guessing it is a good thing to let the mind get used to it. It is like that time where I tried to stay conscious while falling asleep; it is like walking into (what I think) a LSD trip (looks like). I wish the bookstore man was still in my life, he could probably explain what this is all about.

Well. More than 3 years ago I started this blog trying to feel my way back into life, knowing that would bring me to the next phase. The next phase has been waiting for over a year right now but I guess I still need to do the next level of un-addicting through rock-bottom. I went to see the GP because I did not trust myself with me anymore. The other day I posted a blog and then deleted it because I just could not bear for those words to be out in the world. To have people look into the darkness and pain going on. There is a funny thing to not wanting to lie and wanting to speak the truth: when life changes, motivations change. I found that revealing and I guess it is how relapse happens: it is not that one wants to drink, or possibly so, but it is the caring about the results which ‘just go out of the window’.

Not sure if I need to clarify that I did not drink and was not tempted to. I was however tempted to let go of caring. Never a good place. I did not care anymore. But then I have a cat. 🙂 I felt like this:

houseruin

Have often felt like that in my life. Which in itself is not so bad as long as I do not have to pretend to be a cosy, happy house in a suburb. While feeling that my parents expected me to become a manor. Which is what I did all my life and the discrepancy is killing. Parallel realities.

Aah, another thing about work: work needs me to be precise and result driven and that makes that I need to go into the here and now and act in that. Nasty and difficult for me. Drives me nuts. Good practise in a sad way. Don’t want to be in the here and now. Drama. Need to investigate what happens there.

I experience a lot of breathing problems lately. I guess I experience panick attacks but I feel scared, well, dead scared but also often I have these aggressive arguments in my head and then my throat cramps and I can not breathe out anymore. Google says asthma. Nah…

Another log thing: I sleep deeper, sleep through the night at least 1 time a week!!! And only wake up once at least another time!!!! But still have nights where I wake up 5 times. My more than a year old concussion is still bothering me though. I keep on having headaches in that place and I still have the sensation of something being wrong there in my brain. The size, a little bigger than a pigeon egg which is damaged / dead / missing.

I am planning to keep on visiting the GP till I am out of the danger zone I am in now and possibly till I found an entrance into losing some weight. That would equal: making the next step in my addiction and quitting chocolate/sugar. Don’t want to talk about that. It is bad. I put on weight. Take bad care of me.

A woman who loves herself would post this blog and not fear if people think she is crazy. 🙂 So much of my thoughts go unchallenged because I think that in my non-digital life I do not know anybody who thinks/experiences things like I do in this post. And I have difficulty filtering The Truth from the caravalesque brain snot imagery. I guess not attaching myself to the outcome of this experiment called life will lead somewhere someday. Not sure. We shall see. 🙂 / 😦

I am sort of happy that I quit, more in an obliged way than really feeling it. I think I am a big mess and because of that I feel like ‘nothing has changed’. I have difficulty seeing light in the darkness but have noticed that I, well, not consciously but sub/non/whatever consciously, as a ‘safeguard’ hold on to misery because I can not deal with the ups and downs and the other people not understanding me and that hurting. So I have actually noticed me making me feel depressed so I do not have to come out of hiding and try living. My not so humble opinion on depression is that it is: separating myself from the world, taking bad care of my by eating badly, doing nothing fun, not caring, not getting exercise or fresh air, surrounding myself with dead buildings instead of nature, sleeping at the wrong hours, cherishing dark thoughts and then saying that it is difficult to find the light. Duh?! But the getting up from there is difficult. And well, today I think I can do it, at some point in my life, but last week and that week before I was very far away. Further than I was when drinking so that scared me. We shall see if I can find the strength to end this addiction to misery. My base attitude is still one which says: I don’t want to live in this world. I guess it has a lot to do with being confronted with death even before I was born. Or maybe it is another addictive way ‘out’; “as long as I don’t care I can not be hurt.” kind of thinking. Not sure. It is all coming more to the forefront the last months. 😦 Not happy about that. All these growth thingies they come with rock-bottoms where I need to realise that the negative consequences of hanging on to (destructive) behaviour and thinking is outweighing the ‘positive’ ones I (think to) get from being addicted to sadness/chocolate/depression/.

My head is hurting by now. I’m off to bed. Hope you found something in this post. Self-care, gratitude, progress not perfection thinking are all tools which could have possibly kept me out of this darke hole I find myself in. Just to make sure it is known: I knew that upfront. And I do not want to face that maybe, probably I am here now because I want to shy away from the work problems, weight problems and eating problems I experience. When I say ‘I knew that upfront.’ it means that I felt/saw things coming and I knew I had to change things but I could not. And I did not know it as clearly as I fear it is (partially) true now. Not proud of myself. But I guess, if I want to be truthful to myself I need to log this too. “To thy own self be true.”

The other part of the truth is that I have, in itself, a structure which is partially corrupted/not-functioning/not fitting in this world which makes it more difficult to find level ground. But then again: the only way out of that is to deal with it. :-/ Fuck.

Tired. No good can come of late night moping. 🙂

Wishing you a good day/week.

xx, Feeling

 

Currently watching “Adyashanti: Healing the Core Wound of Unworthiness” in the Self-acceptance summit from Sounds True (hurry, only a few days left! – There will be an Encore day probably). Adyashanti says something which is an eye-opener to me: people who experience not-enoughness think they are the only one.
I think that. I think that I have this special not-enoughness which is even not-enougher than other people’s not-enoughness. And obviously I see the result of that in every detail of my life. I am fat, grey, ugly and old so I am not good enough, people treat me bad, so I am not good enough, I am not in an intimate relation so I am not good enough. I do not even dare to write that because that in itself proves that I am not good enough. And I really really want to add that blablabla-everybody-I-know-has-bad-relations-and-that-I-do-not-understand-them-putting-up-with-that-shit-blablablabla in order to make me feel better. So I am trying to balance my not-enoughness by upping the not-enoughness of others. 😦
I write dark, searching, often angry and moaning posts. I do so because I want to not write Facebook-like posts. I want to show the unedited version of me. There are a lot of reasons for that, one is that I need to be 100% honest(like?) with me because addiction is a disease of non-truth. There is another aspect to it which pops up now: I am angry at the world for showing only the good sides of things. I find that unfair. And… I have grown up in a family where feeling bad was not allowed in a sort of ‘Aaaw, but that is not necessary dear’ kind of denial. That, even though I believe my mother in a lot of years did not feel well for even one minute. She actually said so much. She was nauseous all the time for years on end. There was no specific physical reason, looking back I think it was continuous stress and mostly fear of my father. Later she admitted that suicide was on her mind on a daily basis for years. Children know that. I knew it. I tried to save her. Did not work. Or maybe it did. Not sure. When we spoke about it she mentioned that she knew I knew but that she did not want to have it real because that would be too horrible to bear. She felt shame, guilt and insufficient as a parent. Not enough. She drank in order to ‘deal’. Not like crazy much, but still enough to turn aggressive or sad. And her body could not deal with it well so I can not imagine she felt well. :-/ At some point she quit, I believe when she was diagnosed for the 3rd time with cancer.
The memory of those years puts fear in my body. Lately I learn every day about why I thought drinking was a good ‘solution’ to what was going on in my life. All this unmentionable stress and anxiety in our family, floating freely, well more like solid grey masses to work my way through. And everybodies’ escape patterns. My mother turning ill ‘so’ she could not be accountable, my brother not participating in the family and turning emotionally cold, withholding himself. Me resisting everything and trying to fix my parents one day and then fighting them the other day when I could not manage, what (?) anymore.
Currently trying to look at these feelings as ‘feelings’, as ‘ships that pass on the horizon’. Doesn’t work (yet?). They go straight to cell level and create stress and this continuous state of ‘threat’ there. My brother always says I am too sensitive (gosh…) but he creates the same-ish environment in his own home with his stressed out reaction to anything big or small. He has been overworked for years and only now he’s at home 100% with a burn-out. 😦 Which in itself is good for him, I hope he can work things out.
I am happy that I quit. But I say that more because I need to try the feeling of that statement. Ha! The other way around: sooooo glad I do not have an alcoholic drink standing here, eeeew, the nausea! Yuck! Ok. I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!!! Yay! 🙂
A woman who loves herself would have gone to bed way earlier because she wants to treat herself to a lot of sleep. With hopefully no nasty dreams. Lot of revealing dreams, ones which sort of let loose the dirt / trash / nasty memories locked up. Like my subconscious is taking out the trash. 🙂 Sounds funny, is not. :-D. In the morning I sometimes remember only remember tiny bits, seconds, minutes. Sometimes I remember a dream which I have perceives as 5 minutes. The feelings they leave behind are well, like having slept in the subconscious sewer. Parts memories, parts the whole shebang of feelings surrounding those memories. If I can say one positive thing it is: very informative.
For my records: I believe I dream more because I drink less tea at night so I tend to sleep through the night more. Or possibly because I took some Schuessler salt at some time, dunno which anymore, which ‘fixed’ something.
Ok, the cat is calling me for bed. 🙂 ❤
Wishing you a good evening/day!
xx, Feeling

3 years!

3 Years ago today was my first sober day in at least a year. Now reading my first blog post on this blog ever. Amazing to read that I was so proud of having quit: “I did it! I did it! I stopped!” As if it was an event. 🙂 Well, I guess at that moment it was. I thought I just had to stop drinking. Which, in itself, in all its simplicity is true.

It took me a while to find out that there was more to it than that. 🙂 All in due time. Baby steps.

Thank you all for reading this blog. Things have been easy and difficult. I know for sure that I would not have made it to 3 years without your support. With reading about your ups and downs, about how you deal with that, what the traps are, how to prevent them. I learned a lot. Mostly, I guess, I learned that sobriety is a process, not an event. (If I may quote Robert on that.)

I have all kinds of thoughts about how my next year will be but I refrain from speaking about that since I have learned that changing habits is difficult.

I am happy that I quit. I can say that and all the cells in my body are singing. Being happy that I quit has for me proven to be quite a good practices. Whenever I close a post, whenever I remember to think about the subject, I try to come to a spot where I am happy that I quit. When I am happy that I quit, I am strong against drink thoughts and other nastiness. When I would be unhappy the idea of ‘might as well drink since life is shit anyway’ pops up. That is a trap. There are many traps out there. Being happy that I quit steers me away from most – makes that I do not even have drink thoughts. The realisation that anything that tells me to drink comes from the addict within is another one. Whatever it takes (to not drink) is what it takes. 🙂

And if I am not happy that I quit I have the opportunity to work on it till I am happy that I quit. I have not drunk since the 25 of August 2014, I hope I never will. I hope so mostly because I do not want to be enslaved. And by now I think addiction is a spiritual misunderstanding which I have used to not take responsibility for myself. As it worked itself out: I could not at the time and addiction to anything ‘helped’. I know I have been born with an adversity against living life to the fullest, still, there is this voice saying ‘I would rather not be here.’ In real life this expressed itself as a newborn who screamed at the top of her lungs with RAGE within seconds of being propelled into this world.  Maybe that is a good theme for this year: incarnating in this life.

I know I came into this well, personality / life, with little foundation on which I can build responsibility, and I have the gene and the physical issue with sugar sensitivity, and blablabla…. But there is no problem that does not get worst with drinking so I’d better not. I have little control over alcohol and myself when it is in my body. But I do when it is outside of my body and that is where I need to exercise my responsibility.

This week I have had a holiday and I have done next to nothing and worked myself through enjoying that. I notice that I criticise EVERY MOVE I MAKE. So there’s some work to do. Secretly (?) I am playing with the thought of seeing if I can get a sponsor but immediately all these ideas about ‘how she should be’ pop up and they are not respectful. So I guess I need to work through that before I engage. Prejudice.

Feeling my way back into life has proven succesful to my process 😀 of not drinking. The idea was that I have been avoiding emotions by drinking so if I do the opposite I am walking the straightest line away from where I was. That is true-ish, ok, true-ish-like. By now I am starting to see that being thrown about by emotions is not the most handy way of living. Separating my awareness from what the body and emotions throw at me gives more peace. But then I would be aware and that, is still pretty scary. Maybe it were not the emotions I was scared of but the awareness. Awareness might actually have to do with being responsible while emotions happen. Hmmm. Food for thought. Not taking responsibility for emotions, that is IN the situation, but being aware, there is a separation between the ‘physical’ emotion and the awareness of it.

Funny this aversion against awareness. While I know, when I take the time, I really appreciate it.  Food for thought. I guess the activity of my job takes me to other places a lot. Difficult to come down from that energy into rest. And…. I have not really needed it. I ‘get by’ so to say. I am aware that I am not shaping my life, that it is sort of happening to me and that I a am reactive in it. I am guessing that this will last untill I am done with it. Or relapse. That would be a possibility too. I am very well aware that I am, and have been, on a path where I do not really choose. And if I do not choose, life chooses for me. To really choose, would mean that I would really want to be here. I guess the thing to sort out is why I do not. This was ment to be an upbeat celebratory post… chips, did not happen. 😀 Ghegheghe…. 🙂

So… 3 year present(s)? I did, I got myself a slowjuicer because I still do not eat my leafy greens – I don’t like the feel in my mouth, I like heavy vegetables like green beans and courgette, not the leavy greens. And since at work we often have a lot of those left-over from lunch I can take those home. 🙂 And OBVIOUSLY I got myself some books. And 17 boxes of tea. And some special cheeses. Tomorrow I’m off to the sauna. Oh yeah, got myself a new bathrobe too. Haven not been a whole long time. So I should be off to bed otherwise I will waste tomorrow morning in bed.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day/weekend. I am HAPPY that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would go to bed. Now. 🙂 This is my first post 🙂

Day 3

Hello, bloggers, readers, I’m new and out here, now. This is the third day after what was hopefully my last drink and I decided not to lurk around your blogs anymore. Belle, special thanks for the word ‘lurking’ :-D.

I worked myself through the first 60 hours of detox without withdrawal symptoms while quitting from about 12 glasses an evening 7*7 for a year and about 6-10 the 10 years before that. Hurray for the lack of withdrawal symptoms!

After I decided to stop, someday, sometime, fear of a Delirium Tremens was ‘what kept me drinking’. Or in other words, I placed the fear of a new, sober situation on the idea that I was going to have a DT and end up in the hospital, most possibly sweating, crying, undressed and with puke in my hair. It did not happen. I still have 12 hours to go to the 72 hour limit and I guess I’m going to make that just fine DT wise.

I was high on happy hormones this morning – those are normally depressed by booze and without booze come flooding through my body. Now utterly tired but I want to shout out to the world that I did it! I did it!!!! I stopped.

2 Nights, no drinking. It was actually easy, did sleep a lot, did keep a watchful eye on me the rest of the time. But according to Jason Vale’s book I could start right after the last drink to enjoy my freedom and happiness and celebrate with a glass of, ooh no.  So I’ll just do that, just be happy.

Pretty sure this is my first pink cloud and the traps are digging themselves eagerly everywhere around me, I’ll see, you’ll hear. Gonna lay down now, breathe, feel my way through.

Progress, not perfection explained by Castle Craig

This is a copy of a post by Castle Craig – the organisation I would go into detox process if I had not at the last moment done an extreme addicty thing and decide to do things on my own. 😦

Well, I copied and pasted because their site is one of those who connect my real name to the comment section. Do not know how that works so I think/assume I can not share without my real name showing up some where. Hence the copy-paste. The original can be found here.

The Emphasis of Progress, Not Perfection in Recovery

“No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles,” the authors of Alcoholics Anonymous explain after listing the 12 steps. “We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”

“Progress not perfection” is a popular term in the world of recovery where people are striving every day to better themselves from a problem which has created complications in their life. For those in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, progress not perfection is an elaboration of another familiar sentiment: one day at a time. Humans cannot be expected to be perfect. Those in recovery who are working the twelve step program are developing awareness regarding their character defects and personal flaws- that is, the parts of their humanity which make them less than perfect. Often, addicts and alcoholics in recovery will fall under the belief that confronting these character “defects” and working to overcome them necessitates perfection. In order to avoid being controlled by the subconscious elements of their character, which could contribute to relapse, they feel they have to be perfect. It’s an unrealistic and damaging belief, which is why the authors, immediately after listing the expectations of the steps, assert that the process isn’t about perfection. The process is about progress.

Mistakes are necessary. Without mistakes, there is no gaining wisdom. It is the mistakes we make and the lessons we learn from them which make us smarter, wiser, and more resilient beings. If we “skip the struggle” as it is sometimes said in recovery, we skip the valuable lessons which were waiting for us in that struggle. Progress not perfection takes a burden off of our backs in recovery and frees us to move at a pace that is comfortable. High expectations can create devastating disappointments, which, for an addict or alcoholic whose brain has been rewired for pleasure, could be triggering.

There is no doing recovery “perfectly” or doing recovery all at once. Like all things in life, recovery is a journey, not a destination. Sobriety, the abstinence from all mind altering substances, is a daily destination and the only thing that has to be done “perfectly”. To not pick up and use a drink every day is perfection. Everything else is progress.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that I now understand the ‘progress not perfection’ too. I did get that I need to learn that perfection is unobtainable but I did not realise what it does for me. I took it as something to hammer into my system because people who know say it too. AND, I did realise that if I look at the progress I am happy, when I look at perfection I am unhappy. So that part I understood. What I did not understand is that wishing perfection is like emotionally and expectation wise reaching into the future towards the longed for perfection. And it makes me stretch myself thin and lose my centre (or losoe, you know the one). With losing my center I disconnect from the place where I am aware. When I disconnect it is easier to think that drinking is a good solution to anything. While it is not.

Perfection is emotionally living in the future. Pretty useless. The future does not really exist. I have been using it as a place to run away to. I have used my dream of perfection as an ideal to not have to deal with what is.

There is an aspect of wanting to be perfect so they will love me – an approach I upheld (t?) towards my parents. But actually my boss is teaching me that I do not have to be perfect. Funny. Then again, he seems to only accept me when I am honest about what I can and can not do. Where I would prefer…. to not be so honest sometimes. But then again, I’m a bad lier and he sees right through that anyhow.

Tomorrow is the last working day before my holidays. Need to carry over my work to my boss. Wish me luck. There are quite a lot of holes in what I do and he is most likely not pleased. I really need to leave with a good feeling otherwise there is very little use in having a holiday. I would be stressing out the whole 2 weeks. :-(. I am not sure I can learn to let that stress go. Or I need to do the total addict black or white thing where I go like “Ooh, don’t matter, I have another job in no time anyway!” I promised my higher self that I would make myself learn how to stay somewhere for a longer time. That is a difficult thing currently because I want to run! “Run, run, run, run, run, run, run awaaaaay, Oh oooh, oooooh oooooooooh! Ay ay ay ay ay ay aaaa!”

Breathe, Feeling. Breathe. And go to bed. Should have been in bed for 2 hours already but scared for tomorrow. 🙂 Ghegheghe…. sigh. How do other people do this? This work and living thing? Am I the only one who finds it so tricky? Am I complicated? Hmmm, not sure I would like an answer to that, ghegheghe.

I am happy that I quit. I know for sure that if I had not I would have already drunk to the holiday today and well, no,  I would not even have a job to screw up. 🙂 So, I am happy that I quit.

A woman who loves herself, would love herself. Calm down Feeling, have faith. “You worry too much. It’s gonna be alright….”

Wishing you a nice evening/day!

xx, Feeling

How we fall in love

Or how to choose a partner wisely. Food for thought.

I am happy that I quit.  Still feeling a bit under the weather, went home from work yesterday because still not ‘there’. My throat does not heal. not sure why. Think the argument I had with my boss is still there. Need to work it out.

Wishing you a nice day/evening.

xx, Feeling

Throat infection, alcoholism, alexithymia, truth – possible 5th chakra issues

Home with a nasty throat infection after having been well, yeah ‘told off’ by my boss. He and I mostly see eye to eye but in this one case we did not and well, I overstepped (what’s new?) and he reacted. We got into an argument which was pretty much one-sided and left me confused and hugely frustrated. Some people in the company are not doing what they should be doing and he expects me to ‘make them do it’ but he does not fully and officially inform them of my position AND he, at that moment did not allow me to train them sufficiently. I hate that. I hate it to implement new rules and not inform people of this. I think this dislike to what I call a fascist way of teaching (yup, notice some anger here?) is a remnant of my past where I raced around trying to please a hugely chagrined caretakers hoping they would not (again) get really mad (over nothing – because they were tired, ill, frustrated and/or hung-over). The enormous, continuous tension in the house was unbearable for me. Walking on egg-shells, always.

Well, I am guessing my boss was in a bad mood, some business parts are not bringing what they should be and I guess that pisses him off. And I was not prepared for the conversation. I am happy that I quit because due to that I could realise how our energetic fields got entangled and how irritated and frustrated we were with each other.

So much of my life is repeating itself now. This feeling of me wanting to be the best of the class; only when I am perfect I have a right to live. Of me wanting to be liked by the boss: only when the top guy likes me I can be safe. And then my utter disbelieve and panick when being ‘told off’ – I have no other words for it.

My boss does not like me in panic mode. I feel it as if he needs me to be levelheaded otherwise he can not deal with me. Funny though he does appreciate me naming what is going on inside. When I block because I am confused and say ‘Sorry, I can not hear what you are saying because I am experiencing a block right now.’ he is ok. At which I secretly thank his wife for being as weird as I am. 😉 Guess she made him deal. Also I do not back away, I do not want to make him feel sorry for me or dodge a conversation, just explaining. But this time I did not. And when I do not say that he gets all irritated and, well, I would phrase it as ‘the energy around his body gets all sharp and tangled up’.

Well, this time I was not prepared for the conversation and felt like he was burdening me with other things than what the conversation was about but I could not say what I wanted to say because he was in his ‘I am the boss mode’ so it was a very unpleasant, unrewarding and all in all unsuccessful conversation. Yikes. Nasty. 5 Minutes later I start to develop anger and… a throat infection. I have been frustrated and angry for 2 days. Used that anger to be more decisive with colleagues which was, I guess, the goal of my boss mode but it did not feel good inside. It is just a sort of transfer of anger. No, not a sort, this transfer of anger.

The economy is catching on very quickly in our circles of business and getting and keeping good staff is an issue. I say: let’s take better care of people because in a lot of basic ways we do not. The person at the care-taker position has no family hormones and can actually spread three insults with one word. You think I am direct and blunt? Watch him. He’s my karma – and best friend of the boss. Aha! So my boss has a type in employees, ghegheghe… he likes direct, blunt people. His wife says he’s autistic. I would not know, due to my fathers autism I regard autism as normal in guys. It is my sad definition of ‘man’. 😦 I think he is very sensitive but sometimes lacks the tools to deal with that. Which might be the exact definition of autism. 😉

Whatever: what I wanted to say; I am home, sick, throat infection, sinuses infection, general feeling of blègh. Next week is the last week before my holidays and Wednesday I have an evening shift with 2 external companies so I need to get better quickly in order to leave the place well taken care off.

Well, this is a long intro in where I really want to get to: I have this idea that not being able to say the truth, being denied to hear the truth in early life has impacted my throat chakra in such a way that it ‘helped’ me to get addicted. Whenever I have throat infection (often, it used to be 4 times a year in puberty and now ‘only’ once every 2 years) my throat swells up and the stiffness is very difficult to deal with. As if I can’t breathe. I can, but it feels I can’t. Drinking cold drinks helps. Beer makes it all go away. Crying now over this remnant of addiction which is still alive in me. ‘Beer makes it all go away’. 😦 Sad now.

I had this ‘vision’ once; all the emotions / feelings  / energetic happenings run through the body and the nervous system / whatever acupressure lines in the body get condensed in the neck and create the emotional atmosphere around the larynx. Which, I’m thinking, is why we hear emotions in a voice. (Edit: reading the book of Anodea Judith on chakra’s now and it actually mentions that this is so. So it is not my original thought; I had read it before.)

5thchakra

The 5th chakra, the throat chakra is about truth in communication. From this page Chakras.info I copied some info in here. I left out the advertisements but kept the links. Please compare the emotional signs to those of people living with alcohol addiction. In my idea there is a 1 on 1 match. Obviously there is more to addiction than only this but, well, have a read.

A blocked throat chakra can significantly impact your ability to communicate effectively for fear of ridicule and judgement. A throat chakra blockage can also manifest as the inability to express and realize your truth in the world. When the fifth chakra is open and balanced, you are able to express yourself clearly and honestly in any situation with confidence.

Common Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

You may find yourself unable to speak your truth when you need it the most, or holding back on expressing your needs and desires. Perhaps, you long for realizing your dreams and living with a strong and clear purpose, but seem to not be able to quite get there. These are common signs that your throat chakra  does not function at its optimal level.

Physical Symptoms of Blocked Energy in the Throat Chakra

When the throat chakra is blocked or otherwise imbalanced, energy flow is hindered and can lead to physical symptoms affecting the head, mouth, throat, and neck. It is not uncommon to experience neck pain, headaches, hoarseness, and sore throat when the flow of energy through the throat chakra is disrupted.

Some common physical symptoms of blockage include:

  • chronic sore throat
  • frequent headaches
  • dental issues
  • mouth ulcers
  • hoarseness
  • thyroid problems
  • laryngitis
  • Temporomandibular disorders of the jaw (commonly known as TMJ)
  • neck pain

Consequently, the blockage can also impact your physical health. When you experience such signs of physical discomfort, healing practices focusing on the upper body area, in particular your neck and shoulders, can bring relief and allow energy to move more freely. Of course, for serious and recurring symptoms, please consult a physician whom you trust.

Emotional Signs of Throat Chakra Blockage

When the throat chakra is imbalanced, the blockage can also manifest through non-physical symptoms that may impact you at various levels from psychological and emotional, to psychically and spiritually.

Non-physical signs of blockage can be more prevalent. Among the more commons signs are:

  • fear of speaking
  • inability to express thoughts
  • shyness
  • inconsistency in speech and actions
  • social anxiety
  • inhibited creativity
  • stubbornness
  • detachment

For instance, perpetuated blockages that are fairly significant can cause one to become arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. On the contrary, energy that flows freely through the throat chakra promotes effective, truthful communication. You are able to “find you.” You are confident, responsible, and can easily find the right words to express your thoughts.

A blockage of the throat chakra can cause you to become stoic, quiet, and fearful. The imbalance may also create feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and shyness when it comes to self-expression and speaking to others. Public speaking can cause near paralysis when the issue is a blocked fifth chakra.

An imbalance in the throat chakra can adversely affect many aspects of your personal and professional life. You may find you avoid social situations and are more comfortable alone. You may even become distrustful of your inner voice.

What To Do About A Blocked Throat Chakra

Clearing the throat chakra involves learning to let go and trusting your inner voice. Not a small task for a lot of us! Check out the general guidelines for throat chakra healing for practical ideas on how to restore balance in this center.

A few basic steps to clear this chakras include:

  • Working through and releasing all negative emotions, including guilt, hurt, and resentment can work wonders to restore energy balance in the throat chakra. Sometimes a good cry can also help alleviate a blockage of the fifth chakra.
  • Practicing mindful speech, action, and deeds can help you maintain throat chakra balance. For example, talk openly and honestly with others on a regular basis.
  • Meditating on and incorporating the throat chakra’s color, blue, into your life can also calm emotional upheaval. For instance, introduce blue-colored flowers or decor to your home environment.

In addition to all this I was wondering whether alexithymia – which, in a few words is the ‘inability to put feelings into words’ is related to a 5th chakra disturbance. And no, I do not want to place myself at the seat of your doctor in any way, I just came across this word for the so maniest time today in the sober blogosphere that I thought ‘how come’? Next: would there be a relation here which might be / feel true for some people. I know ‘as a fact’ or ‘as a fact which counts for me’ or ‘as something which feels true’ that my throat infections always have been caused by being lied to, not being able to speak the truth, being frustrated about not being able to voice my opinion. Blockages in the 5th chakra make people; arrogant, deceptive, domineering, or manipulative. I think I can say ‘check’ on all of these. On the other hand those who have followed my blog also know (I hope) that I am a truth seeker. Not always on the right track, not always balanced – but seeking.

Looking at my Anodea Judith book now and she mentions ‘Alcoholism’ as one of the trauma’s in a child’s life which cause disturbances in the 5th chakra. She also mentions that a deficiency in energy in this chakra results in having problems with putting feelings into words, speaking out. Excess leads to talking too much (guess writing too much is included here ;-))

Anodea continues with: “Sometimes our safety and survival are dependent on suppressing our truth.” And ‘because of this we do not resonate with the truth and with others, we become disconnected’ (edited by me). Don’t we all recognise that? I find this process of starting to speak/write/live my truth has helped me to resonate with people and has improved my relations.

And yes: truth is ‘debatable’ if you will. People may say ‘there is no one truth’ and that is probably true. But that moment, I think it was right about now, 3 years ago that I realised that I had become dependent on the people of the detox clinic – and that I wanted to kill myself because they had not returned my phone call. Yes, yes, drama all around. Addiction does funny things when under stress. Well, at that moment, I decided to choose FOR me. To live MY truth. Not theirs. Not their way of putting me in a process, taking tests, assigning doctors etc. I find this world so confusing that I decided to start living along the rules of my truth. They say ‘people can not get sober on their own’ and ‘you need help’. Yes, I did and do need help, but not according to other people’s rules but according to mine. And yes I do screw up often in life and I would say that I have not gotten to the roots of my addiction when a day is spent Netflixing and eating cheese, chocolate and chips but I did do it the way I could and at that moment AND in hindsight I think for me that was the only way. With the addition: do not try this at home. I happened to ‘get away’ clean.

1% Of the people seems to make it to 1 years sober at the first try, with or without help. That is how strong addiction is. That is how strong the coping mechanism of alcohol and drugs are engrained in this society and in us people with addictive personalities. This 1% also motivated me highly to make sure I was part of that group. Also, I knew I would kill myself if I did not quit and I somehow figured out that would not be the solution I would have chosen if were not in active addiction. So, at that point it was quite a motivation. And not drinking seems to be somehow easy-ish-er for me than for others. I live alone, had no job then, all the time to myself. No relation to frustrate me 😉 or sink my sober boat with their aggression or own booze issues so I guess all of that makes it way easier. I am happy that I quit. And I still think I need to do more to be alive and sober. I also think to know that obviously, there are coping mechanisms in place within me because I somehow think that Netflixing with cheese, chips and chocolate (preferred over consciousness, compassion and choice 😉 ) is better for me. Until it gets boring. Like now. 🙂 Baby steps.

Back to the 5th chakra: Anodea Judith mentions ‘poisoning’ as physical issues too. Funny to realise that the last at least 10 visits I did to the GP were about poisoning, either by alcohol or something I ate. Hey! Next page of the book says: free writing, unedited writing = good. 😀 Ha! Guess I had made my own detox centre here.

Well, to be fair she also mentions ‘practicing shutting up;  in case of excess energy. :-D. That’s still work in progress. Who am I kidding. That is a goal for at least 5 life’s from this one. Anybody remember my last job where my boss said: “The only issue I have with your work is you talking too much.”  So yeah, I see some 5th chakra issues in me. Ghegheghe, funny in a not funny way. 😉 Also because that was not her only issue with me. But it was workwise.

I am happy that I quit.

I am grateful for: internet, for Schuessler salts because they help me deal with my throat infection, for the sober blogosphere because it has helped me to a lot to understand what is going on in addiction and I think I would not have been sober without it. I hope to somehow return to you what you have given but I still feel I am not ready to take ‘giving’ as a starting point in my life.

I am grateful for my beautiful friend whom I had a beautiful conversation with this morning. I am actually grateful for my job, my boss and my wonderful colleagues. I am grateful for my house and the cat who massages my back at night. 🙂 I am grateful to have been born in the Netherlands since we do not get to choose that. I am grateful for my parents who have taught me the alternative side of living, food and healing where I am much happier than in the ‘normal’ side. I am grateful for the wonderful books on sobriety and what have you written by people who ‘know their shit’. That is cool. I am grateful for all those who walk before me, either in time, skills or virtues and reach back.

Thank you all for making this world a beautiful place.

Well, another free written post to help balance the combined excess and deficiency of my 5th chakra. ;-). I hope there are some connections in this for people who read it. 🙂

Wishing you a nice day / weekend.

xx, Feeling