Job contract on the way – psychological changes.

Well, 2 days ago I heard that I could expect a job contract for a year for a part-time function of 20 hours. It is so strange that I could not even write about it. It needed to settle first :-). It’s not all done yet, still need to receive, sign and return the contract but still… I’ve got THE mail on the ok.

There are a few things about the job that could prove to be difficult but I don’t feel like going into that now. It’s useless to spend energy on worrying unless I can actually do something about the situation and then I should. NEW!

The ‘ok’ brings some immediate changes with it. So funny how the weight of things suddenly changes with this. Blogworld: not important (sorry!), recovery – huh?  Nothing wrong with me. NEW! I need to keep an eye on that one because I don’t want to run into a situation where I forget how important it actually is but I like the ‘nothing wrong with me’, that is comfortable.

About 12 years back I quit drinking when I was unemployed because I felt uncomfortable with drinking suddenly. I was not that heavily into drinking then but did feel I was overdoing it and actually started seeing that I could be addicted. Looking back I was in denial. I was sober for about 3 months or so, I did not make it a big issue and did not pay attention to anything apart from noticing that my yoga suddenly went WAY better. I got a job and started drinking again. I could never land in the job which had to do with my state of mind at the time but looking back it had to do with drinking too. Later I heard that they had 6 people on that position in 2 years and that I had been there 6 months so I was actually one of the longer lasting but still… Shit I hated that place for its bad atmosphere and the effect that had on me. I felt like a total failure and I drank to forget it. Walking into some darkness of denial here. I got fired after I had been on a very boozy Sunday evening which I thought, with my drunken brain, would work out all right but it all fell wrong (MAJOR DENIAL) and well, I don’t know. Jeeez this is uncomfortable. I am actually leaving stuff out here because I feel too ashamed to write about it.

I drank a bottle of wine and about a six-pack. I had never in my life done that before. SPECIFICALLY not on an evening before a workday. That monday I had to take some decisions that I could not focus on and did not understand because I could not get the group of people who would supply me with the info to focus – obviously because I was off. At the end of the day I had a talk with my boss on the results of the meeting and I explained that I had not worked it out yet. Feeling like an absolute loser. She came down on me hard and I teared up saying that I had difficulty with the job, that I should be able to do it blindfolded, standing on one leg but that I somehow could not get into the matter. Which was the case.

I did not tell her that I drank my brains away every weekend and would normally have redesigned the whole process in my spare time to get to know it intimately but I well, ‘preferred’ to drink it all away. Not sure if she guessed or smelled an issue, it was end of the day but it’s the stuff that got me fired. Officially because they replanned the whole department. I felt it a little different. Did I quit? No, I started drinking more and deciding, again, that I would never drink before a working day. Then I became a freelance consultant and worked out my own working days. See the trap?

Why is this coming up now? I guess that’s how it works. Memories get processed when something similar happens.

I’m going to need all my wits upon me for this new job. Not sure how and when to celebrate. I have this absolute belief that things should not be celebrated upfront.

Another change: for 2 nights now I have almost slept through the entire night. NEW! The cat is going crazy, trying to demolish the furniture and running around my head but I don’t wake up easily anymore so I’m half asleep, turn over and just can’t be bothered. NEW!! I find these little changes so amazing. She has been with me for 4 or 5 years now. I have NEVER slept through the night, specifically not if she was throwing a tantrum. Now I am finally doing what I think I should be and that obviously gives me the right to sleep and let the cat have her tantrum without me being bothered. When I was not doing what I should be doing I felt bad about myself and would feel I needed to answer her and be nice – because I was stupid. It is funny how all of these funny connections are now showing up. If you would have asked me upfront I would never have thought that lack of self-esteem was urging me to listen to my cat at night.

Other change: a while back I bought a Tarot cards deck to help develop my intuition. It is my believe that oracles like I-Tjing and Tarot connect with me easily and often gives results that help me out. I ‘use’ these as tools to get insight in a situation where I have difficulty dealing and where I feel I have a blind spot that I don’t want to see and is hindering me. My set has 78 cards, I have pulled about 30 cards up to now. I have gotten 1 card 7 TIMES in a row. Do I shuffle my deck? Yes, of course I do :-/. The card is called ‘Fear’ and it is the seven of cups. Funny that I now read online that the 7 of cups means something totally different in other decks. There it refers to ‘overindulgence’ and temptation – I have that too momentarily where I do 10 things at the same time never finish one. Need to look into that. Also this would be THE card for addicts to learn that they are addicted. Hmmm. Not sure how to interpreted it now. I’ll go with the fear explanation for now.

When I freed myself from the prison of alcohol I had a goal and the goal is becoming clear. That includes not drinking, rigorous honesty, cleaning up my house, sorting out feelings, being clear to other people, not hiding myself in too many words (hmmm, that is not working yet). I thought that would be a good goal. Ooh, it includes not being addicted to alcohol or other stuff, still doing some other stuff like procrastinating though.

Well…. I thought, since I guessed my intuition and awareness of my feelings or what have you, is pretty strong, I thought I could feel myself back into a healthy, clear life. I thought my feelings for what is good and what is not should be my guide. I have this build in sense of justice and righteousness and the arrogance to believe what I say is right. 😀

In the beginning I followed everything that felt good; cold feet? Put socks on. Uncomfortable? Take a bath. Tired: sleep. I did everything to the detail. And I guess that was good. About 2 months ago I started to notice that I had other feelings too that kept on screaming at me. Not sure now at this moment if my awareness of my feelings is really strong because my denial is pretty strong too. Possibly I need the denial not to be overwhelmed by the feelings. Or possibly the feelings would not have to scream if I would not deny them. Obviously there is something going on in that department. If somebody else would write this I would say: she’s scared shitless. Which is what I am I guess. It’s in all my cells.

Well, I noticed the ‘bad’ feelings, the disliking me because I had not cleaned or paid bills. I started to realise that these feelings too were ‘information’ just as the ‘good’ feelings. Today… after pulling out the Fear card for the 7th time I realised that I accept that all my feelings are information – apart from fear. Fear needs to go. The book said that fear shows where the obstacles are that need looking into = information. So….. that’s what I’m going to plan, look at my fear. NEW!!!! And I’ll be procrastinating from there onwards I guess. 😀

I am happy that I quit. None of this would be happening if I had not. I am sort of proud about the job and part of me wonders if I should not have put up a harder fight on some stuff in the contract. Pfffff, don’t want to go there. NEW! I want this job for the content, because it part-time and because I magically got it and it feels funny to ask for something from the universe, actually get it and then turn around and spit the universe in the face by denying the opportunity. And also, I need the money and I just don’t want to look for another job because it makes me feel bad and I don’t want to deal with it. Feeling wise that sounds like bad motivation to me, it feels like denial too, but I’ll go with it. Also, I mean, in this time in my line of work, having not worked for a boss being accepted for the first letter I send out – that is strange to say the least. My intuition says: Big growth developments when you manage to keep afloat. We shall see. 🙂 I’ll do my utmost best to make it a meaningful experience and deliver excellent work. And if I can not do the job or can not deal with the tough cooky boss to the point where it is dangerous for me – I will leave.

I need: to get a little more organised and clean the house and buy some clothes. I have somehow lost one of the 2 t-shirts that still fit me How? Don’t know! I think I left it at a friends. Things like that happening put me back in the guilt – shame feelings I had when drinking and losing stuff.  But I can’t wear the same dress to work every day now can I? So new clothes it is. Not liking it because I had planned in my head that I would have lost weight before I started buying new clothes. I have, but not enough in my opinion.

I want: somebody to give me their wardrobe because they have outgrown it. That would be cool. I dislike shopping for clothes because I am very precise in fit and colour and model and material and….. dislike that I do not look good anymore. It is difficult but I still have not found my path to the skinny land. I’m going with making sure I get as much healthy stuff in me that actually feed my body so I don’t get cravings.

I take: chocolate. Which, when I put it out here…. does not really align with eating healthy. It is eco though, and 72%…. (chocolate denial, chocolate denial…)

I wish you a nice weekend. Thank you for reading through another way too long post.

xx, Feeling

Physical and psychological changes

Hi! I’m 6 and a half month sober now and here is another list of things that I notice with getting sober that I actually attribute to not drinking for a longer time. So the natural recovery of the body and mind.

– What worries me is that my addiction to sugar is actually growing, I thought I would just let it go so there would automatically be a turning point somewhere but that did not come and there are so many interesting books to read that I did not yet start in the no sugar book. I need to start thinking about this because I feel after my ‘clean eating’ diet for a little more than a week I am now starting to put on weight due to chocolate. Still eco chocolate and currently 71% but….

– My blood pressure seems to be normal. I have not been to the GP lately. I do not notice changes when I drink tea with licorice in it so I guess I am ok. I did notice changes last when I unknowingly drank a few sips of green tea. Also yesterday I ate these baked sandwiches with loads of cheese and they set my heart pumping like crazy. That was weird.

– I wrote about changes in my attitude towards sex some posts ago. That was an all time low I guess if I check out the ‘likes’ I got so I guess I won’t go there again :-D.

– In between I have used several different Schuessler tissue calts – a sort of mineral pills which are a little different from the standard ones because they actually have very little content and the idea is that you take up the minerals through the skin in your mouth so they go straight in the bloodstream and bypass the food canal. This is helpful when you have food canal problems. :-). Currently I am taking a break from them because I noticed that some ‘complaints’ are leaving but others are getting popping up. So now I wonder whether the uptake of one salt causes, due to chemical reactions and balance and what have you, to lower. I will be looking into that. Currently I have an eyelid that is ‘ticking’

– Tapping: I have listened to the tapping conference and have used it for minor things and of course ‘winning the lottery’.  I have only done any of the subjects once so I am not really noticing change in my behavior I guess but I do notice that my body is relaxing on deeper levels and I sleep better. However, I do not dare to depend on it too much, it still seems like voodoo to me – also because I can’t really feel the tapping points. Or in other words, the points that I feel actually respond to the tapping are not exactly there were the Ortner family said they are. So…. another point to look into. Currently I like the technique as a way to get to know my fears better. They do float to the surface once I get into the process of ‘no matter…… I love and accept myself’ and immediately something inside me says: ‘Pffff, NOOOOO WAY!!! You first have to clean the dishes!!!!’ Blablablabla… so I get to know that negative voice intimately. Sometimes I fall for it and sometimes I look at it and feel like it is not part of me anymore. But it is, it is. Ha, can’t let go of negativity too quickly, it feels like home.

– Falun dafa: I’ve been practising Falun dafa now for several days for about 15 to 20 minutes a day. I do think it helps me. Somehow my lower back pain that was in the background before lowering my blood pressure but immediately popped up after that, has risen to the foreground fully and is now again leaving. I think it is psychosomatic but I don’t know what it is telling me. Well, I actually think… that I think that I need to start living if I don’t have it. So….. I also think / fear I would be free floating into vagueness and anything-alternative-ufo-style-magic-unicorn-solution-to-living if I did not have it. So…. 🙂 I guess there is a good reason to have it.  I don’t have it when I do something interesting. That is interesting in it self. 🙂 Mind-body connections are so interesting.

– I sleep better. FINALLY! That started about 6 months into sobriety and I guess it has to do with 3 things: 1 being invited for the job interview and 2, making to do lists that I could actually finish, 3 going to bed on a reasonable time and waking up with an alarm 8 to 8 1/2 hours later. I’m still keeping that up, no problem. Sometimes I wake up at 8:00, but I’m trying to get to 5:00 or 6:00. Just because I like it and I remember from earlier in my life that I have been most productive in the time that I did that. It does take some planning with food etc.

I fall asleep within 1 to 3 minutes and wake up once or twice a night but mostly that is caused by the cat. We have this routine, she wakes me up, I go to the toilet and pet her. Not sure if she wakes me up to go to the toilet or to pet her. Sometimes I actually thinks she is taking care of me by waking me up. If I forget to feed her before I go to bed she might wake me up a second time. Anyhow, when I wake up now I do not really wake up like I used to, I am in this half slumber mode. NEW!

I have started dreaming again. Amazing dreams. Loads of mythology and beautiful incomprehensible stories which I forget as soon as I wake up. Bummer. I don’t care. Sleep is important and I am happy that it is still improving. When I got sober I thought that getting into dreaming would be my major hobby when sober but the most work goes into actually sleeping :-). Sleeping well is important specifically for people in recovery (I hate that word) because I read once that those who can’t sleep seem to relapse. But that had to do with catching sleep. I can fall asleep easily, it is when I wake up I get in trouble.

Maybe I party a little too early about the job. Today the owner was pissed off with me because I wanted something that we had discussed in writing and added to the contract. Now she changed her mind and is denying me what she allowed earlier. She’s a tough cooky and I’m not playing her well because I am not a player :-(. We shall see where time leads us.

– I do have a big fear that I do not speak about: my breast have sagged loads of centimeters by now, as have other tissues over my body, which is ok. But I can feel so many lumps in my breast that I am sometimes scared to even touch them. But I guess I would be tired and skinny if I had anything serious. And I know that I would not be able to sustain my sobriety yet if I went for research so I’m not going. You please don’t worry, I am guessing it has to do with tissue from my breasts starting to well, become older and loose firmness because I don’t get all that phyto-estrogens from the beer and wine anymore. So I finally feel what other, normal, women have felt all their life.

– Liver pain, still experiencing some liver pain so now and then. Do you have that? Still?

Hmmm, this post is usually about the good stuff? Now I’m all complaining? Hmmm. Good stuff:

I have given up believing that I can do things by forcing myself to. NEW! Which gives me a lot of room to either let go (NEW!!) or actually do them (NEW!!!). I also know that I need to indeed delete half of my to-do list for a day and be happy if the things are all done at the end. NEW!

I have grown in professional confidence (NEW!!!) and there is a sense of longing to work and getting started again returning. NEW!!!!! Disclaimer: not sure how much of this newly found confidence will still be there when the job does work.

I am still having trouble trying to focus on stuff but it is not coming to the point where I get really irritated  NEW!!! with my behavior so I actually turn stuff like Facebook and mail off to do other stuff.

NEW also is my now firm, believe that unwelcome feelings have a message too. I have come to believe that feelings can guide us to stay on a track that is natural. That is, when the feelings have developed naturally which is not the case when we have trauma’s or so. Or in other words: feelings that I experience as painful are now guides to changing stuff. That does not happen overnight because it means that I need to look into the darkness and actually CHANGE stuff but the thought is there. I think it is a sustainable thought.

NEW is also my ‘ability’ to let go of irritation and not get wound up in traffic e.g.

NEW is also the growing concept of ‘this too shall pass’. I do not anymore believe that every bad feeling will stay forever. I was not even aware of the fact that I have that. It is funny because that is a concept that humans are supposed to learn after their first year of life. Babies have no concept of time and literally think everything lasts forever. 😦 So, at age 45 I’m starting to learn that it might be possible that things shall pass. 🙂 NEW!!

NEW is also the concept of not having to be engulfed in emotions. I can put emotions aside. I have practised to do so because I had a meeting with the store man and did not want to take my problems into the store because he is so absolutely sensitive. Just flooding my anger through the shop would feel impolite. So I curbed it. And that actually worked. So now I ‘just’ need to learn to do this for myself as well.

NEW is the idea that negativity attracts negativity so I try not to speak or think bad of other people (yeah, not working). Specifically not since I saw the Donna Eden video on YouTube where a women on stage lost her energy because people were staring her down. Ooooh, nasty. On the negativity, which has been a subject all my life: I now get the Tarot cards ‘Fear’ and ‘Negativity’ alternating. Sigh…. And then, when I got fed up with it and asked for a solution it said: ‘Love’. And then I hear myself speaking to the cards; ‘Well, easy for you to say, you don’t have to live this life….’. 🙂 Haven’t learned it yet. 😉

NEW is the idea that I am now leaving an important part of my addicted life behind and preparing myself for society again. I guess that has to do with having to present myself for the job applications.

NEW is getting irritated with my weight. Not sad and with shame but in a way that could stimulate action. NO PROMISES. 🙂 I still have problems with making promises, thinking I might not be able to live up to them. That is something that needs looking into in due time.

NEW is the cat staring above my head and around me as she has never done. So I guess my aura (?) is changing. She has always been pretty to herself and I really like to keep it clear that she is a cat and not a replacement for a baby. She likes licking her butt and I don’t. Different. Clear. But lately she is more interested in being with me. I think it is because the way I feel to her. I am a little more relaxed.

NEW is that I sometimes can align with my memory of my spirit / divine spark. It feels like meditating and letting go of all the things that I felt before give me identity, thoughts, ego things and pain. They are not there in those moments – or I have not recognised them. I am different there. Enjoying it because that is how I assume I need to be but sometimes I get called back by suddenly experiencing vulnerability. I guess I am experiencing here what it is to be human, starting to separate the divine within and without from the human within, without. Not sure how to put that. I should get some schooling somehow, learn to call it like (I want it to be) it is.

NEW is that I am starting to look into some character traits of mine that I guess are related to addiction. The one that pops up mostly is ‘megalomania’. There is no business idea that I have without wanting it to ‘go global’ and ‘immediately’. I am starting to notice this when it happens.

NEW: I spoke with my bowels as part of a tapping on diarrhea. They actually answered that they race my food out of my body because they expect it to hurt because it has been hurting for so many years now. And then I told them that I had seriously stopped drinking and that they do not have to expect alcohol to come in again. They did not believe me at first, they were pretty spooked but then they turned happy. I have been on the border of constipation ever since. 🙂 Oooh, I sooooo would not want to be my doctor. 😀 And I am sooooo happy that I do not have anything serious that actually involves speaking with a doctor who I would be trying to explain all of this. 😀 Gheghegheghe…. impossible. 🙂

On that topic of vagueness: my right foot is hurting in different places. No idea why and the pain wanders.

NEW: the idea that I have with money is not the getting of it, it is the keeping of it. I need to look into that. Brrrrrr..

I am happy that I quit and every day for new reasons that add up to the old reasons. To some this ‘happy that I quit’ might sound stupid or just something I say but I will tell you: whenever I write that down I am THANKFUL BIG TIME to myself – yes I put myself here first, to GP1 who showed me the way and all other people, including you! who have made this possible.

I want: to sleep.

I need: to sleep

I take: Bach rescue remedy once or twice a day against flairs of fear overwhelming me because of things ‘I might have done wrong in the contract negotiations… blablabla…’

Have a good evening, night, day. 🙂 Thanks for reading my post.

xx, Feeling

On intimacy and sex

Ha, I was curious as to why I was so enthusiastic about Esther Nicholson from the tapping conference yesterday. And… then I checked out the OTHER interview. Dealing with me going in denial here – but I DID listen to Alina Frank and Craig Weiner on Learning to Love: Healing the Legacy of Trauma to Create Physical and Emotional Intimacy.

It was difficult to hear. I go into freezing at the moment people speak about freezing. Thoughts of things that happened have been I don’t know, driven to the background more and more. They were very present before I quit drinking and the anger stayed on for a few months and then, I don’t know, my direction of thought and feeling changed and it was not important anymore for me at these times.

During my last 6 months I have made some discoveries about childhood and youth, will, issues. I discovered that I had this sense of foreboding in, as far as I can remember, every situation that I ever got harassed. As far as I can remember ‘harassment’ never came ‘out of the blue’ – not at age 18, not at age 4. But that doesn’t make it easier  to deal with because now I go from thinking I am stupid and bad because this happened to me to actually feeling responsible. And I KNOW that is not the whole truth but I did not take action on my intuition and that is something that has gotten me in trouble at all sorts of levels in all sorts of situations.

I also discovered that I have this energetic door that I slam into the face of any man I meet. And that this triggers aggression. I don’t want to go into that too deep now. Need my wits upon me. Wondering if I’m self-sabotaging my (hopefully) new job with falling back into well, unsolved issues. I learned in the last month that I am pretty ok with being overweight and having grey hair because it ‘keeps me safe’ from admirers. Yes, time for some feel good film on Netflix and sleep. No dwelling on the past. Sign some contracts first, focus on a new job.

I will put in one extra paragraph on sex. If you know me in real life you might want to skip this one…. I have experienced almost a total lack of sex-drive since I quit drinking and fantasies that would normally stimulate me now look awful and inappropriate. (Yes this paragraph is about single-sex in case you wondered 😉 ) Also having sexual fantasies about actual people is something that I suddenly feel is very inappropriate ‘through-the-air-energy’ wise. Yeah, sounds funny, I know, but it is one of those psychological/physical changes that I find, well, strange – before I quit I would not have guessed that this would be part of it. It’s good, I guess, but a little funny to feel like I redefine sexuality at age 45. Having said so, I am guessing that nasty sexual experiences are a very big part of my drinking history so maybe it is actually the first thing I should have expected to change. Hmmm…. Shall I put ‘sex’ in the tags? I’ll dress it up a little. 🙂 The thought of sober sex is something that scares me and on the other side feels interesting. But I don’t have to worry about it because I lack a guy. And… seeing what is changing in me currently I am more and more convinced that it is indeed not wise to even think of starting a relation in the first year of recovery.

For those who know me in RL you can continue reading here:

I am happy that I quit although I could do with some serious tea.

I need: to keep my wits about me and not self-sabotage.

I want: the whole world to explode (sorry) where I am the only one who survives (sorry, again). I guess I need to take care of me. It’s amazing how quickly memories of events that I have experienced as destructive turn into big destructive feelings towards well, everything and everybody (triple sorry). Everything was fine yesterday. I need to Netflix, bathe, sleep.

Have a nice evening / day / morning! I promise you I will not blow up the world :-D. Just Netflix, bath, sleep. And sorry for you from the NSA having to read this blog now because somebody anonymously typed about blowing up the world: these are not code words. Just expressions of destructive feelings. 🙂 Trust me. 😀

xx, Feeling

On drinking and paying for it

Dreamed that I drank last night, had forgotten that I did not anymore. It was some fruit punch laced with alcohol offered to me, on purpose. Well, he works for a beer firm.   He used to have a relation with one of my best friends. She is 38 now and has been in a unfulfilling relationship with him for years. She needed a strong man and got it; she felt useless, overpowered and lacked self-esteem.

She broke up with him by moving into someone elses bed because he did make her feel valued. That did not work and now she is single after half a year while her ex…. found his soul mate and they are having a baby. Yes, yes, that is quick, quick for knowing somebody 5 months… what about ‘My app said that I could not get pregnant….’ 🙂

So now my friend of 38 is alone at home feeling all kinds of undefined sadness and very defined jealousy but also realising that she could not have stayed with him. In the dream I was trying to tell her that this is the price we pay for bad choices. And I would almost say ‘as usual’ I did so without regards to her feelings since there is this part where I can’t bear what she’s doing and why she is ‘moaning’ while it is obviously the result of her lack of bad choices. She made a choice to be dependent on her ex. Then started to dislike it but still did not leave and now she is 38, alone and yearning for a baby. Doesn’t that…. sounds familiar? No wonder I can’t deal with her being unhappy over that. 😦

I am having a difficult time accepting the choices I made when boozing. Even in the years that I only drank 2 days in the weekend I knew I did not want kids. That was because of a whole lot of reasons but also because I did not want to quit yet and knew intuitively that I would get worse. Be dependent on a person, on a substance, make no choice and life passes by. It is tough to realise. I sort of thought, hoped, I don’t know, that I could undo stuff, that life had not started seriously because I was not serious about it. Now I find I can’t turn back time. It is silly to only find that out age 45, I know. I guess that was another aspect of life that I drank away.

So, my arrogance in the dream was nicely answered with a glass of whatever-punch that I drank – forgetting all about not drinking and not paying attention to the smell and taste of alcohol because I was so obsessed with my friends issue…. And I got sick, very much so. Not drinking has moved to the background in real life. I could imagine me stepping into such a punch trap because I don’t expect it. Booze to me looks like beer and possibly wine, not like fruit.

What does the dream mean? Not sure about any deep meaning but when I take it face value it points me at some issues I did not see by by showing me something that I can see: her pain. And it told me that arrogance will lead to drinking. Which I have already worked through once but obviously needed to see again.

I am happy that I quit, although it is time to move on and that feeling gets to a boiling point. I feel like I am waiting for divine intervention. That will come: the bank account will go. It is like making no decisions… that’s when others will decide :-/.

I want: to go out and walk in the sun.

I need: there is a lot of things that I think I should, but that is not what I need. I can not look at the place where the answer to what I need is. I guess that is called resistance. Must be something there I don’t want to know. Like: I need to get a move on… Which is absolutely true. I feel I have no hands to get hold of a beginning. Everything has changed, I am closer to home than I have ever been but I am not familiar where I am yet. I feel closer to home when it comes to me and my health, I feel further away from my former job and projects. So many things, layers, falling off. I stand but I have not been able to look at the surroundings.

So many things changed in the last month(s). I have found a beginning of a want to be nice to people. NEW! And that I can get to a place where I do not feel attacked or a need to be not nice when I align inside with the light I have met in my ayahuasca ceremonies.

I thought: only dead fish go with the flow. Which is an attitude that got me in trouble and got me doing my own detox and sobriety path that I think works well for me. That aspect of me: that the worse thing is sometimes also the best thing, that is strange. I often feel torn and unbalanced. Ghegheghe… the hippo says ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, heard it before, this 80 Euro cent hippo is teaching me a lot. 🙂

I feel like I am somebody different from whom I was. That is ok with friends who I see often but strange with people who I don’t. Aaah, that is a part of what makes the store man attractive: there is a new start in being there. In conversation with him I have taken the chance to say what I really, really mean. I do not often do that apart from here because I want to hide my drinking history. So that is what secrecy brings: lacking connection, loneliness.  I will go for a walk in the sun. Let some light in.

I take: I changed salts to others, one about backpain in the tailbone. I did sleep well but still wake up once a night to go to the toilet but now I do not wake up fully because I came from deep sleep. Somehow the cat always wakes me up when I need to go the toilet – or I need to go because she wakes me up. Still not sure. After she had a nest of kittens she has included me in her care. Telling me when to go to bed, waking me up.

And don’t read if you don’t want the nasty story: I still need to look this up but it feels like my urine has changed acid like apple cider vinegar – it irritates my skin if I’m not quick enough. I know it sounds bad but it does not feel bad in my body and I assume it is the acidity LEAVING my body – which is what some of the salts are for do: to alkalize. I still feel like I am loosing inches and a little weight but more because my body becomes more dense. Like I referred to with the shrinking of my ‘aura’. Need to check. To measure is to know.

I am halfway through another day of my life and I feel I only worked out issues and did nothing else. I’m getting fed up with me. But, happy that I quit. Now I can look at the being fed up instead of drowning it. 🙂

Restoring the density of my personality

There is a new process going on, or I am noticing just it now. When I see other people who are addicted to drinking I sort of feel / think / judge 😦 ‘they are all over the place except where they need to be.’ Feeling through the process that I feel is going on inside I feel that aspect of alcohol addiction is slowly repairing in me, around me currently.

A few days ago I was totally of the planet with sadness of reading the blog from Brad (hi!), a young man who gave up on his detox (he’s back!!) to again walk the path of self-destruction. And what I got in the replies are variations on the serenity prayer. And that made me realise that I can lend my support, try to be there for somebody – but I can not carry it. Specifically when there is the North Atlantic ocean between us. I realised that just there and then and I felt my ‘aura’ – lacking a better word – shrink in width. That would be the megalomanic aspect of the addictive personality I am guessing.

And now I am facing admin 2014 and I worry about what will be – which I notice is counter productive. And I have pain about what has been – and I notice is it counter productive. In reality I have nothing but now. Exactly the place and time where I did NOT want to be when drinking.

But it is good. Now is good. I think I can deal with that. And if I don’t, drinking will never be a solution. So my aura, still lacking a better word, has shrunk in depth as well. That would have to do with the ability to process issues from the past and not worry about the future – both traits of an addictive personality.

And the last dimension: height. I’ve been speaking with the store man Friday. We worked through some I-Tjing (oracle) text that is (said to be) applicable to my life. He mentioned that it says that I go to extremes in my thinking and feeling and that this causes me problems in life. And that he had noticed that to…. That I need to find a middle road. And God! I love biology. Because this is the FIRST TIME in my life that I have been able to feel through that concept and accept it from somebody :-D. Yes, sorry to everybody that tried and got frustrated.

Note: I have also been takin those before mentioned tissue salts that have one salt that deals with people who go to extremes. So it might have come from two places at once. Aaah, that was exactly what the ‘solution’ to my problem was: sitting with it on the middle road. I guess my therapist (hi!) would agree. As would my family, deceased mother, (ex) colleagues, most likely all my former teachers, bosses, friends, neighbours, customers.

So, that is the ‘all or nothing’ aspect of the addictive personality. 🙂 I guess it serves me well now I quit because in my quitting you might have noticed there is NO INBETWEEN either. 🙂 I think I remember 1 or 2 posts out of 200 where mentioned having tiny cravings and there was no longing to go back at all. I guess this character trait made me lose it and now I use it to come back to life.

So, I shrunk in height, depth and width. I actually feel that happening around me and in my body and I wonder if that means that I will be losing weight ‘automatically’ too. I’ld guess those things are connected. Yes, yes, I know that is a strange thought. 😉 Hey, this is my blog, ok? 🙂

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. It might sound like you heard it before or just a slogan but every time I write that down I do so because I am VERY HAPPY that I quit and I feel that joy – it equals, I don’t know, going to Disney land, age 10 or so. I feel freed. I was living in a cold and dark and lonely place. And I am out. I have a choice to live now.

I want: hahahaa, that I have my admin 2014 finished but that should be so at the end of this day.

I need: to keep my head together and do my admin one piece at the time, not lose it. I can cry but I need to keep breathing, take responsibility and stay with it. Aaah…. and if that not works imagine the store man seeing you unable to deal with putting some pieces of paper in order. Whatever it takes is what it takes. 😀 Yes, yes, extreme. Ok, so now I should learn not to cry and not to whip myself with nasty thoughts but sit with it.

Aah, hey, it’s just paper, it is all in the past, I can not change anything anymore, I do not have to get in a state. Breathe, breathe, ok, BREATHE, BREATHE! 🙂

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

Now these are funny times

These are funny times. Feeling wise I have been on a totally different track since I met the store man. Yes, still having fantasies of the promised land but I don’t want to follow up on them anymore. Aah, stop lying. Yes I do. Therapy time.

What I want to note down for my blog is that I have been having back aches for over a year now and I think it concerns my kidneys. I had urine tests and there seems to be nothing wrong with them but they still hurt – only at night – and are part of the reason I do not sleep well. On top of that I have a lower back pain in my spine below that triangle bone that brings tears to my eyes and it also pops up at night and wakes me up.

Funny thing is that I never, with my conscious mind thought about this and it has been over a year and I never sat down to give it a thought. I panicked about it, I kept it in the back of my mind when thinking about quitting drinking, I guess I told the GP1 and 2. I sure did tell GP3 about the kidneys. But not about the back pain. I am guessing that there is only so much worry that can fit into my conscious mind. Or denial has become an inbred thing.

More denial? I need to have my breast checked for cancer. Due to my background I am supposed to go every year. After a plastic piece of the machine literally broke on my chest while it was trying to get a detail photo I fell apart inside. The pain, the absurdity of a machine breaking on my chest – would not happen now, due to the not drinking beer they have dropped 5cm!!! by now and gone all wobbly and saggy. 🙂 Beer contains hop (the bitter stuff that stops the alcohol making process) and that contains phyto-estrogens (and they keep them firm and looking at the sky.

I don’t want to return. That is 5 years ago now, I am thinking. I do not dare to go because only the research already is a I guess 80% chance of falling back into my old behaviour. Well, it has come down from 100% to 80, so that is good.

Anything else I am not telling? My eyes have gone bad, I guess it is also due to sleeplessness and too much screen work. My pupils are not in the middle of my iris anymore. I figured that is because of the watching a screen for a long long time.

I did do the 5 year cervix cancer test but that is because I know there’s nothing wrong there. 😀 Yes, denial still works in me as an independent entity.

I had written a request here for any comment to be ‘not pushy’ because this freaks me out. Funny request. Not polite and funny. It looks like denial and not dealing. It is funny because it feels the same as I used to feel about drinking. Shame, anger, ‘don’t you interfere with me!’ approach. Please do interfere with me so I can see what it brings. 🙂

Did you in your early sobriety notice these funny things like I did, blogging on EVERY LITTLE DETAIL and ‘forgetting’ the big things and the big picture? I am guessing this is a new, dunno, situation. Maybe because I have, in my mind, been able to hide this from me because there is nobody intimate. Now there was a hint of intimacy I start to clean the house (NEW) and worry about bigger things because I start looking through somebody elses eyes at me.

Need to run, breakfast in town is waiting.

Cleaned out a drawer – physical and psychological changes

I am in this tremendous flow of things changing for the better in my life. It is amazing. Who needs mind altering substances when you can have the real thing?! I keep on having this experiences that are described best (?) with feeling part of the universe, or being transparent where the universe is me and I am the universe. No, nothing megalomanic funny going on that requires doctors or pills – I ‘just’ feel like I am tripping all day over the growth that I do. And have written a post when I was on this very black dark cloud 3 days ago. It brought back all the ‘what’s  the use, why take care of myself, might as well… ‘ very destructive. Still roller coaster but one low on a week full of highs? Who cares!? And even if, the lows are the growth thingies that go a little less easy.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I don’t want to lose myself in the occult but thing keep on happening that point me in a direction of growth. Video’s, interesting store man, scary astrologist man (I have not blogged about that – yet, message 4). I walked into or ‘dealt’ with:

– taking responsibility and relaxing and the difference

– listening to my inner voice with my whole ‘being’ while meeting the store man. Message 1.

– I have built up enough strength to listen to the negative or painful signals that give myself.  The negative self talk.

– I have felt and still feel how a possibility of an intimate relation in me (currently?) walks the same paths as an addiction does. It is amazing, frightening. I hope to get to ‘informative’ on a short notice because most of all it is very uncomfortable and it feels indeed like dis-ease. Message 2.

– My unblogged reactions to things that happened with the store man in the store have pointed out and made me feel through a nasty trait I have that I would describe as ‘overwhelming, destructive mother care’. Ieehks. I am guessing that was the 3rd message from the universe about the store man.

– I have doubts about my route. I see a situation of being flat broke coming up – I do think I have enough time to get myself organised and in a job before that. I try to feel my way into other possibilities than this slow forceless path I am taking. Cause that is I guess what I do. Take the natural path, find out where my truth is. I also have 2 drawers in my kitchen with food stock like flower, tomato paste, peanut butter, well, you know. When I came to live here, more that 13 years ago. I had no time to fill the drawer nicely so I chucked everything in and thought ‘I’ll clean that up when I feel like it.’  This morning I did. VERY NEW!!!!! Yes, groce, well, it has been cleaned out in between when I hired a cleaner for the backlog. But I have, in all those years, not done it myself and today I just did because I was there. To you it might sound insignificant but to me it is AMAZING!!! I think I ow it to my path and to the Schuessler cell salts of which there are some about ‘doing stuff’ and ‘cleaning up poisons in your body.’

– Whenever I doubt my way of dealing with sobriety and feeling my way back into life and I go inside and ask I get ‘The path is the destination.’ Today I thought that I would love to spread the nutrient – bach remedy – Schuessler cell salt approach to getting healthy after addiction to the world. But I must say (? must I?) I want to say to record this for myself in this blog here and now that I feel ashamed of that because it is like the ‘addict bingo’. Every addict says that they have found the way and they will cure the world. I feel stupid about this about myself. I get this ‘who do you think you are feeling’ and feelings of inadequacy immediately. It hurts. It makes me want to put my foot down and say ‘I do what I do! Who are you to comment on that?!’ Actually, sometimes it is good to have a large ego. Even if this new undeveloped idea of a route is not going to be the thing, still my negative self talk does not ‘have the right’ to speak like it does. Still talking child speak here when it comes to working out the negative self talk thing. I don’t understand the need for an organism to have it. I am convinced that every action and reaction are there for a reason and to discover the reason helps me heal. But maybe that is the whole thing; there is no reason BUT the bad use of the brain and ‘conditioning’. Ha! Tommy Rosen puts negative self talk under ‘aggravations’. Don’t know exactly what those are but they are sort of like addictions I believe. Negative repetitive behavior. Check!

– All these things are NEW. Also new is the idea that I have done enough for sobriety and might as well drink. How’s that for something over 4,5 months of sobriety. Alcohol repels me in such a way that I step back when I smell it on somebody. Not unlike my cat. And I pull a face. Very impolite. Need to work on that. So I don’t think that it is in real life going to be an issue. It is just that I don’t want these thoughts. And I had not expected them after this long. I guess they were brought along with being in a state of openness with the store man while he moved into his addictive mode and I got a vibe from it. Also starting to fall in love triggers stuff in me. Now I write this in daylight it does not sound like a healthy idea of love. Need to look into that.

– I felt through what happens if I want to clean the house. The cat was falling asleep on top of me NEW!!! and I wanted to clean but I could and I felt that I had to stay calm to not wake the cat and I felt in my body and brain how al the 10.001 options confuse me and make my brain overload and loose direction / focus. And then when I do something, like cleaning out the drawer without thinking about anything else, my brain is SO HAPPY. I need to feel my way into getting in that mode more. It is needed for me to start AND finish something and it is a quality that I need to develop in this incarnation. That has always been a very clear message – even when I drank. And I need it do be earning money in the future. So, I better get a move on and do stuff instead of writing this all down. 🙂

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Schuessler salts keep on changing things in my body. It is amazing.

– Wrinkles disappear, my face returns, the ‘bags’ under my eyes lesson. My eyes however are still read and when I cry my tears drag itching, burning streaks over my face. And yes, you know me, I got myself a Schuessler salt for / against that – it is actually listed like that. literally. Not making it up here :-).

– I sleep at night, I dream again, like crazy. Last night about walking through the streets in the evening and seeing a young girl black out and drop down on concrete stairs. Nobody of her friends cared, they were drunk too and ‘she falls down every time, she drinks like a fish’. I tried to call the cops and realised that I did not know if she needed to go to hospital or not. I guess I have been there where I blacked out when I was young. Just never on the streets. Need to look it up. And then I actually left while having done nothing and then this tiny blond guy came to me and he was drunk and in pain over being addicted. He knew. And I told him it did not have to be this way and he clung to me and I could feel how he needed to be away from the alcohol, wanted it too but how big the pull of the alcohol was in him. I have never experienced it that bad. But I am curious how I know how it feels. I do not think I am in denial. This is not the way I feel about alcohol. Or maybe it is not the way I have allowed myself to feel about alcohol. There is another possibility. I can hear my mother’s influence there. I can almost feel here standing between me and getting addicted that deep down. Thank you mom. I thought you were a pain when it came to your critique on my drinking but I guess you saved me. Wow. Thank you mom. Crying now. My mom stopped drinking I think about 5 to 10 years before she died. She drank like 1 glass a month in the years leading up to her death. But she left half of the glass standing – like she only drank it not to fit out. She did a lot of those tiny things to not ‘stand out’ as the one that has cancer. 🙂

– My bowel movements have stabilized into something that actually smells and smells healthy (no I do know you did not want to know that, this is specifically for my history).

– I am less thirsty and I have less ‘cravings’ for food. Taking the Magnesium Schuessler salt helps me drop the chocolate. It takes 3 days before I think of another chocolate experience after the last. And when I eat chocolate is starting to feel a poison to me now I notice what it does in my body. It gives me not heart palpitations but like there is a tiny, tiny, very tiny moth in my heart. Not butterfly, moth. But it is difficult to let chocolate go because by now ‘there is nothing else anymore’. And I know I have to let go of that feeling, that would be the ultimate freedom of addiction but I can’t (yet). I can feel that moment of brown rice, vegetables and fish is coming but please, please, please – not now, not yet. I can’t deal with that yet. Having said that I have eaten sushi all week. Lazy sushi: brown rice, piece of raw eco salmon, seaweed salad, cucumber, 1 avocado, all separate, nothing made to look nice. Every time I got home from the store man it was 21:something and I felt like fast food but I thought I would spend the same amount of money on quick good food. OOH! THAT IS VERY NEW!! So when looking at that I am in the brown rice, vegetable, raw fish zone. Ha! No no no no no no no no no. Not yet. Not going there now. It is actually calling me but I dislike the feeling of discipline that comes with it. Makes me feel trapped. Even though I ate like that for years. And was very disciplined then. Brrrrrr.

– I have a dowagers hump, the neck is starting to feel different and it looks like it is going away / becoming straight again. 🙂 I would love that. It feels somehow related to the ‘relaxing but keeping the goal in mind’ experience I had with biking to the wrong address when relaxed. And it feels like it has to do with taking responsibility. Well, straightening out would be a good word. 🙂 And I keep rolling my shoulder backward because hunching does not feel good any more. Squeeq, squeeq 🙂

– I sometimes have tiny headaches because of dehydration because I forgot to drink tea. That is different too. 2 Weeks ago I drank at least 3-4 liters a day. Now I need to take care that I manage my 2 liters.

This was going to be a short post. 🙂

Thanks for reading. I need to go do stuff and see the sun.

xx, Feeling

Physical and mental changes part x

I haven’t been writing a lot and I guess that has been because something inside has settled. On the 30th of December I went to a wise woman, the mother of a friend of a friend and former therapist who is/was specialised in Bach Remedies, Schussler salts, Tarot, Homeopathy, chakra reading and healing and several other things. I went there because I felt one of my issues with planning and not working things through or finalising it is actually a chakra issue.

She told me something about disease and alcohol and said: ‘There is nothing wrong with partying ever so now and then. Shake stuff off, wake up in a new day. But doing that on a regular base is destructive. What you did is leave  the door open for too long. So it does not close anymore. If you drink now, you will go all the way.’ I needed to hear that in these words to understand how it works energy wise. And now my substance addiction has a place in my brain: it is an open door to a world where I do not want to go and I have learned to walk past it without going in.

She also said: ‘You have quit, I think that is marvelous, it is so amazing to see people quit their addiction. Now make sure you move on with your Life because that is what you came for. You left the alcohol behind you, also leave that life behind you and stop berating yourself over it. Continue living. All in all, it has been important but it is only one door, you won’t go in there anymore and there are a million of opportunities in life. You came to this world to live, not to look  back, stay stuck and hang around in something you actually quit.’

Hearing that changed things inside me then. I feel like I can actually look into the world again. And the mentioning of ‘it is only one door’ made me realise that, even though it is a very good idea to stay away from that door; the universe is bigger than only my alcohol drenched past. And since then I did not feel so much like blogging and somehow I found back my ability to do stuff and my trust in me.

She gave me one of the Schussler salts too. It works miracles on my blood pressure and sleep. With the first pills I could actually feel my muscles relax through my whole body. That has not happened since, well, I don’t know. It feels like 10 years or so. That was marvellous, and NO WONDER I have high blood pressure. The relaxing helps me realise when I get into a state. So that’s good too. I got some other salts too for things I feel I am lacking. But more on that in another post.

All in all, the understanding of addiction through the image of the door, the salts, all of it somehow finally helps me to do stuff. Like cleaning up without moaning about it, actually even liking it and….writing letters of application. Yes! I did send out 2 applications. What?!! Yes, I did! I had till the 5th of January to react so it finally went out on January the 4th, 23:56 hours, but I did it. YEAH!!!!!!  NEW!!!!

I spend days and days behind the screen crying over my lost past, writing my CV and being happy about all the experience I have and then crying about me having wasted it all and feeling unable to do something with it and back to feeling happy about my experience. Mood swings, but healing now. I took the time to see where I started to berate myself and where I would put an effort in feeling way, way better than my peers.

I also screwed up my chances at the 2nd job forever by calling them with questions about the vacancy. It had a title ‘coordinator’ and ran 3 pages (!) from ‘being superbly technical’, ‘absolutely creative’, ‘cleaning machines’, ‘customer contact’,  ‘setting up educational material and giving courses’, ‘drawing up contracts’, ‘managing the staff’ and ‘organising events’. HR most obviously did NOT have a look at this; when you take that seriously they ask for 4 different people in one. I am smiling at that now and but when having the conversation with the head of the department was there in my tone too. So I can screw the 2nd job but I did send out the letter and that is GOOD. I do see now how I get attracted to a function in an environment that puts out a vacancy for somebody that ‘can do everything’. My delusional self would think that would be me.

And I was going to write a whole theory on disease here, but I don’t feel like working it out.

What I want: I want life to be easier than it is. But that is BS because loads of people have it harder and I am EXACTLY at the point that my life is all about: finally dealing with negativity, presentation, contact and reincarnating, finally dealing finances – not always making enough to not have to worry about it. That is not dealing.

What I need: follow my path and get rid of my blood pressure medication and to get back to exercising at least an hour a day. I’ve been doing half hours for the last 3 days. I came from 1 * 50mg and am at 2 * 12,5mg now since yesterday. Haha, I can feel how it used to dampen my responses to stress because I get road rage again while biking. 😀 Ghegheghe, dealing with that too ‘Getting angry or stressed out is not going to get you there any sooner. You might as well relax and enjoy your ride, wouldn’t that be much nicer?’

Also changing: I have actually, for the FIRST time in my life said to myself ‘You may want some more chocolate now, but how will you feel in 15 minutes? This stuff makes you feel bad in large quantities.’ NEW!! NEW!!! It’s not even about the chocolate that is new, the whole concept of thinking ahead and ‘battling’ with a desire is new. Well, in this way it is. Saying that, I suddenly don’t know how I quit drinking. Aaah, I did not reason with me. AAAH, NO WAY! No reasoning with addiction. Addiction is as addiction does. No use in reasoning with it. :-D. Well, the other thing is NEW and I felt so adult suddenly. And American! Because I only know this line of thinking from American tv series :-).

Also new in the Should situation: I have taken a strict approach to dealing with stuff. When I catch a ‘I should actually….’ I tell myself either to do it or to stop worrying about it. That creates a lot of clarity in my mind. NEW! And it makes me realise that I obviously can not do everything that I want in a day. NEW! The ‘I should’ issue can only live in an environment of arrogance where I think I can do anything. I can’t, but even when writing this there is this voice saying: ‘Pfff, of course you can, you just have to put yourself to it’. I want to believe that. When drinking I did believe it. I guess that’s how I ruined my business: not doing stuff and still thinking I could. That is a NEW painful insight. Brrr….

And I keep on apologizing to my mother on blowing her inheritance money and my life but it does not work because I am still angry with her over not protecting me. And there is something funny about  that sentence / concept of thinking. That is another subject for another day.

Another thing; food has lost its fascination. Don’t know how that happened but I get irritated over ‘having to eat’. NEW!! Let’s see how this progresses. I have a chocolate bar in the cupboard, it has been there for 3-4 days now. If I feel like it there is something that says; ‘You could also have a tangerine if you want sugar.’ NEW!!! WEIRD!!! Might have to do with now I move on from being ill that I do not need rewards anymore. Not sure. Actually I expect this disinterest in food to change back to ‘normal’ pretty soon.

What I need: what I need is more joy in my life so I signed up with a group that plays board games. Nice, nice. It is open to kids as well so I am guessing it is alcohol free. And if it is not? Ha! More chances on winning! :-D. The Facebook group is really nice. A guy telling about a dream he had on new game concepts and people being excited about the first after Christmas gathering so they could try out their new games. Nice! I am excited.

What I also need is to continue my road and start dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. But since the talk and the Schussler salts there is finally something in me that wants to return to society. Now I am sober the world does not look half as bad as it did before. 🙂 NEW!

Very fucking happy that I quit. Sometimes proud of it. Finally proud of the approach I take to being sober: this constant self-care in tiny details right up to the border where I can still handle it. I still feel I am going (too) slow but if I just start with something, even if it is slow, then I will finish one day. And that beats not starting.

Hope you liked reading this. I am guessing that the longer I do not write, the longer the posts are.

Have a nice day. 🙂

4 Months – 2Kg – 750 Euro

4 Months sober? Did I ever think I would make that? Yes, I guess I did. Or maybe I should rephrase that in: I had to believe I was able to do it otherwise I knew I would fail and then I worked to make it possible.

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Cutting down on the beta blockers is going ok-ish. I am still at stage 1 where I do 2 * 50mg instead of 1 * 50. It seems the same but the blood level of the active stuff now only rises to 25 and then slowly falls down to zero. While before there was a peak of 50. That is different. In order to feel good I have to go out and move for at least an hour a day and that is working. And… NEW: I even do that when I do not feel like it.  🙂

I have to make sure that I do not drink licorice tea or something with caffeine. However, I am guessing that a little high blood pressure and a real body is better than a low blood pressure and a body that I do not understand and can abuse because the results of any abuse are covered up by the beta blocker. My plan (don’t even dare to use that word here anymore) is to quit the beta blockers, do a detox and go on a diet and loose weight. I believe 5% weight loss results in 10 points blood pressure or so. Or maybe different but there are large blood pressure results to be gotten on weight loss.

– Losing water weight currently, I guess it is due to cutting down the beta blockers. It says so on the enclosed leaflet that retaining water is a side effect. Which…. in itself is really funny because retaining water is a CAUSE of high blood pressure as well. Well, kidneys not functioning and then retaining water is.

– I do have a back pain that keeps me awake at night. Not sure what it is. First I thought it were my kidneys but they were tested and ok. It used to be only there when I slept for more than 8 hours. Now it is there constantly when I am laying down and during the day. When I go walking out during the day I pay extra attention to pulling in my abs and that works. So I am guessing the back pain is caused by bad posture and sitting all day. I should (there is the S-word again) train my abs. See if the pain goes away.

On pain: I am beginning to think I have a very low pain threshold. I once read something about that in connection to alcohol but I forgot how it worked. I guess it worked like taking pain killers and then quitting: anything you feel then will hurt badly. I wonder when this will change back to ‘normal’.

– Now that I am outside more I a sleep better when/if I sleep. Sleep is very important to me in order to deal with stuff. I only really sleep once in a month or so and when I wake up I am sky-high over all the energy I have. 🙂 I am working on how to arrange my life so that I will be sleeping better but I am still not making the choices to support that. Still watching loads of tv for instance and going to bed late at night and waking up halfway through the day. I don’t know why I do that. I feel it is a substitute addiction. I feel I still don’t want to be really present in this life.  Working on it in the steps that I can take like cutting down on the beta blockers – who influence sleep patterns as well :-(. I am guessing that 30 years of hiding in booze and 4 years in beta blockers don’t go away with 4 months of sobriety. In the homeopathy they say to that 1 year of sickness needs at least 1 month of repair.

– I have binged on chocolate lately. Binging defines as: eating at least 100 grams of dark chocolate a day. I guess I am slacking in taking good care of me because I am not afraid I will be loosing my sobriety over it. Also: I have not found other things that please me as a reward. I am guessing the only way to go is the way of the monk and NOT demand a reward for every tiny little thing. Yes, I should (s-word) be more mindful of what I am doing. But getting tired of that sometimes.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I still don’t do anything. It looks like my initiative is broken. I am already Very Proud if I go out for a walk on a day that I don’t feel like it. I am still trying to feel my way through it. It feels like my initiative is depleted. If there is such a thing. I guess this is the price to pay for not taking care of me and now I have to make sure I get it back somehow. I feel it is connected  to me having worked too hard for way too long; 12 hours a day 6-7 days a week and then drinking to flush the stress away. I also think it is connected to me not doing the full circle of life in anything that I do: I used to be very good at starting things (being born) but maintenance or letting go (living and dying) are not in my repertoire. I guess that somehow screws up the energy flows that are supposed to be. And I don’t know nothing about letting go so I guess this is going to be interesting. I quit drinking but that feels different from letting go. Or maybe…. I don’t know how letting go should feel and I project all kinds of difficulties on it while it is actually the same as quitting drinking: crying, saying goodbye, realising how bad it is and feeling my way into a new, sober world. With saying: I do not have the skills to maintain or let go I do the same as with thinking I could not stop with drinking: I block myself even to think or feel about it. Hmmmm, there’s a thought.

– I am still working on recognising how I use the word ‘should’ – the S-word, to arrange my life. Not going fast in that, really slowly. Every discovery feels overwhelming, the things I do to myself with using that word. Nasty. It blocks energy in a bad way. I notice I want to look away from this issue. I guess I will stay with the noticing what I want to do with it.

– On aggression; on aggression there are a few things. One of them is that I find (haha, you would have noticed) that it is there (here!!!!) and that it pops up without me noticing. I have had a few flame reactions this last month and I never saw them coming because how I perceive my anger has changed. It scares me that I can be so destructive. I have a whole post here on an imagined conversation with my mother on things that I am very angry about and I do not dare to publish it. What scares me most is  that every day I think I am genuinely me, but the day after I noticed that the aggression I carry is still alcohol fueled or fueled by not being sober long enough and not having the rest that comes with it. Looking back in my blog line I see a lot of anger that now feels differently. Looking around at other sober blog posts I get the feeling that outbursts of anger are part of sobering up. I get called out of my cave over what I perceive as dishonest or unfair. And of course my megalomaniac thinking spurs me to speak up. I am starting to see the link with projecting things and anger. I force myself to be fair, I can’t stand it if my nephew of 10 is unfair about something and I will come down on him like an avalanche when he is. 😦 Sorry, sorry, sorry nephew, world. 😦 Working on it. The error is in thinking I have the right or need to say something. Aaaah, and because I am overwhelmed by the ‘error’ of the other I justify lashing out because the other hurt me first. Hmmm. Food for thought. Standing by and not commenting looks like approval – I don’t want to go their either. Or would I be using that as an excuse to lash out. Not sure. It needs addressing. (Trying very hard not to use the S-word here – it is not working. SO MUCH TO DO!)

– On liking me: sometimes I like myself and like the feeling within me where I think I reside. I am starting to really like people sometimes and not worry about their flaws. Yes, sorry, sorry, ‘really like people’ sounds awful but well, I am saying it like it is. I had/have difficulty with that. And, in my arrogance I think a lot of people have that but do not want to recognise it. Saying it like it is sometimes helps others. I have had 3 moms admitting to me that they have been so depressed that they hated their babies and really felt like they wanted to kill them. Which in itself is a BAD IDEA but having the possibility to speak about it did take the pressure of it and allowed  them to continue and find a happy path. (And yes, you could worry about my choice in friends 😉 ) People tell me a lot of shit because they trust I will not laugh at them because I am familiar with the insane part of living.

– On openness about drinking and not drinking. I still stick to the story that I get depressed from drinking which is true. If people ask how much I used to drink I answer with: well, more than your GP would advice. Because I thought that drinking was my problem and I did not want it to ruin friendships and other relations I have not been drinking a lot in public over the last years. So now people don’t even congratulate me on not drinking. Everybody sort of thinks it is part of my many funny food issues that I have displayed over the last years. I got a mail from the friend I am visiting this evening: Could you please mail me what you do and do not eat and drink (now)? And what you would like (instead)? :-D. He’s joking with that, but we both know it is true as well. So by now I can actually freely speak of not drinking and my new discoveries with friends. And that is good. 🙂

Everybody is more surprised when I say that I still write 4 hours per day in my diary – that would be blog reading and writing. I guess they are surprised that I STILL do it, not that I do it. And I am guessing that says something about their expectations of my (lack of) stamina :-(. Everybody is happy that I am happy again. I get a lot of compliments over having changed for the better. Like my eyes have lost the look of despair and depression. I am still rather emotional and cry easily but as long as I do not act like that is an issue other people seem to be ok with it too. It’s not the sobbing crying, just the tears leaking silently.

– On clarity: I notice  that I am less clear lately. My affinity with telepathy is improving, specifically with those friends who have affinity for that as well but my head feels unclear. Must be the sugar. Must be eating the sugar because I rather hide than be clear. I have done little soul-searching the last days. I was thinking I spend most of my thoughts on being sober and if I wanted to get back into life I should not do that. In order to break the ‘thinking about not drinking’ I started watching Netflix. It has broken. But I am not content with the result because I am not living yet. Ghegheghe… yes, well, looking back at those sentences I can only say: why would you expect to start living again if you watch Netflix 6 hours a day? %$#@!!! Gheghegheghe…. I am guessing I am pretty new at living. Not taking the right steps yet. It is scary that things are sometimes only logical in hindsight. They say that learning is making sure that the process that takes place in hindsight now gets moved backward (or forward if you like) in the timeline so the experience becomes apparent BEFORE doing something stupid. I would like that. But I guess there would be nothing left to be happy about.

I am happy that I quit. Sometimes it is difficult to notice that every day I discover new areas that need addressing. Longing for perfection being one of them….. 😉 As long as I have some major ‘improvements’ or insights in how things work I am ok with it. Otherwise it is depressing. But in moments that are depressing I have never thought that I might as well go back to drinking ‘because nothing has changed anyhow’. But I am aware that if I do not proceed in life that feeling will come and it might become strong too. So I am doing all this internal growth sometimes in peace, sometimes with a perceived baseball bat in my neck that is waiting to break my neck if I slow down. That causes some tension. I guess it is how I visualise perfection.

What I need: I need to take care of myself. I have let go. I need to return to taking care. 🙂

I wish you a sober, clear, insightful, loving, happy that you quit Christmas.

Me, with some changes, or….?

I never consciously knew that I had thoughts on how I would be after getting sober or when I get to being clear or transparent. I found out I did and up to yesterday I thought it would feel like: me with some changes. Yesterday I found that this specific feeling of ‘me’, or that what I identify with, is actually part of the problem.

What happened? What happened was that my SIL spoke out her worries about me not having an income and living on what’s left of my savings. We were in the car, on the way to the railway station. My SIL started this ‘I shall help you’ conversation and it spun out of control within 3 sentences. I got so cornered that I (finally?) spoke my mind on the subject. ‘I KNOW I am not doing well. I KNOW I need to focus on money but NO it is not working yet. My memory problem is gone and I feel I could maybe work 2 or maybe 3 days in a week, nothing intelligent. But that is it. I know I am NOT functioning yet and YES I DO want and need help but in saying that I do NOT like to speak with you or X or Y on the subject because all I hear is YOUR panic. You are not listening, you start a conversation to inform me of your concerns and it is too much for me because I can not even carry myself! And now I need to deal with your concerns and panic too.’

‘We are listening to you but you just don’t seem to do what we think is right’.

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Now that is a sentence I thought I would not ever hear again after my mother died. And you know what? I finally replied. Sorry for my SIL. I was mostly able to focus this decennia old anger and let it fuel my persistence and thoughts instead of wanting to lash out and hurt my SIL. However….

‘NO! Exactly that sentence explains how you are listening to me! You do not really listen! Before you even listen to what I want to say on the subject I get overwhelmed by your view, your panic and 10.001 pieces of advice that I don’t even know how to apply because I do not even know where I stand, what I feel and what is wrong with me. If anything I need help finding out that stuff first before I get dragged away in solutions. I lose myself there.’

Lovely SIL replied: ‘Yes, I am sorry, you are right.’

‘Thank you…..’

‘I already made important steps towards a healthy and complete living which is not drinking and eating healthy but things just don’t go very quickly. I came from a very dark place. I do not repair easily, that’s one of my things; carry hurtful stuff around way too long. Well, I am already very happy that I wake up singing instead of wanting to jump of the building. That is a big step I have accomplished. But it takes a lot of energy to stay balanced and not fall back into the darkness where I came from. I know things really need to change, I do not want to go back where I came from. Ever. I have made a few big steps already but it is just not easy, it is not a quick fix. And please do not put pressure on me because I just can not bear it. I know it is hard and I think I know you feel helpless, I feel helpless. But can we please stay there and please, I’d rather experience helplessness for what it is than both of us running around in panic. I just can not deal with that.’

And that is how we left because the train was going. I in a mix of sadness, anger, guilt and my SIL in something similar I am guessing.

Got the train, went home and cried. And then there was this thought: ‘You have just spoken out against a very bad system of connecting that has run in the family for years. You just stood up for yourself because you do not want to be smothered in care because you know it is not a good road to travel. Why are you sad? Do not put sadness between you and the world.‘ And I tried to let go of the pain and sadness. And I was proud of how I walked the straight line of caring for me and speaking up. I was proud of my clear expression and because I had spoken my heart clearly there where it was difficult before.

And I could breathe and suddenly felt all this space, freedom and happiness within me. This is so NEW!!! I could not even identify with it. And that is where I thought: the clear me is not ‘me with some changes’. It is also letting go of the sadness, pain and fear that I identify with and reconnect differently. Most likely the ‘final’ me will not feel like the me I am now. Which is scary but I am also looking forward to it.

SIL and I texted today and both said sorry for what needed a sorry and will speak later.