Boredom after addiction? How to cope with post-addiction boredom — Addiction Blog

Sharing this because I find it a good article on a subject that is not covered often. I remember feeling violently bored at some stage. But I am happy that I quit. 🙂

Boredom is challenging! This article provides 5 TIPS on dealing with boredom in addiction recovery that commonly occur shortly after treatment. [[ This is a content summary only. Visit my website for full links, other content, and more! ]]

via Boredom after addiction? How to cope with post-addiction boredom — Addiction Blog

Stop trying to fix me – by Jeff Foster

Yay! Finished my meditation pillow. It’s has a core of wool, made from stacked circles cut out of a blanket and it has a cotton outside. It took me the whole afternoon because I opted for the easy method of closing it while not realising that would make stuffing it 10 times harder and more time consuming. I guess this is as much of a what you call that word, well lets try ‘comparable parable’ to my life. I lack focus. It was an interesting trip to see where my mind and body take me if I do not take heed; everywhere.

Happy that I quit though, now I can work on it. On my meditation pillow :-). Hope to find you happy that you quit too. 🙂

I found this below text from Jeff Foster online. I think it really nicely verbs what I have to learn to do different and how I experience, well mostly experienced a lot of ‘help’ in this world during my teenages; a carry over of anxiety instead of help. Still, well anyhow; I had difficulty reading this, thought he had SPECIFICALLY! written this for me. Well, maybe…. Would that be narcisism or paranoia? 😀

xx, Feeling


“Please, don’t try to fix me. I am not broken. I have not asked for your solutions.

When you try to fix me, you unintentionally activate deep feelings of unworthiness, shame, failure, even suicidal self-doubt within me. I can’t help it. I feel like I have to change to please you, transform myself just to take away your anxiety, mend myself to end your resistance to the way I am. And I know I can’t do that, not on your urgent timeline anyway. You put me in an impossible bind. I feel so powerless.

I know your intentions are loving! I know you really want to help. You want to serve. You want to take away people’s pain when you see it. You want to uplift, awaken, caretake, educate, inspire. You truly believe that you are a positive, compassionate, unselfish, nice, good, kind, pure, spiritual person.

But I want you to know, honestly, friend, I feel like a steaming pile of shit when you try to ‘love’ me in this old way. It doesn’t feel loving to me at all. Quite the opposite. It feels like you’re trying to relieve your own tension by controlling me. Under the guise of you being ‘kind’ and ‘helpful’ and ‘spiritual’, I feel suffocated, smothered, rejected, shamed, and completely unloved. I feel abandoned in your love! Do you get that? I feel like you don’t actually care about ME, even though on the surface it sure looks like you care! But deep down it feels like you are holding an image of how I should be. Your image. Not mine!

It looks like your love but it feels like your violence. Do you understand?

Yet as soon as you stop trying to ‘help’ me, you are of the greatest help to me! I stop trying to change to please you! I feel safe, respected, seen, honoured for what I am. I can fall back into my own power. I can trust myself again, the way you are trusting me. I can relax deeply.

Without your pressure, your demand for me to abandon myself and be different, healed, transformed, enlightened, awakened, mended, ‘better’, I can better see myself. I can discover my own inner resources. I can touch my own powerful presence. I feel safe enough to allow and express my true feelings, thoughts, desires, hold my own perceptions. I no longer feel smothered, a victim, a little child to your expert adult. The courageous adult in me rises. I breathe more deeply. I feel my feet on the ground. Loving attention drenches my experience, even the uncomfortable parts. My senses feel less dull. Healing energies emerge from deep within. I feel light, free, liberated from your fear. I feel respected, not shamed. Seen, not compared to an image.

You help me so much when you stop trying to help me, friend! I need my own answers, my own truth, not yours. I want a friend, present and real, not an expert or a saviour.

And do you see, when you are trying to save me, you are actually abandoning yourself? You are running from your own discomfort, your own unlived potential, and focussing on mine? I become your ultimate distraction. I don’t want to be that for you anymore.

Let’s break this cycle together! Let’s stop trying to fix or save each other. Let’s love each other instead. Bow to each other. Bless each other. Hold each other. As we are. As we actually, actually, actually are.”

– Jeff Foster

If you need it


Over here I am happy that I quit. Next thing would be to get my feelings, thoughts and actions alligned. Not turning on Facebook and Netflix would be one of them but still not wanting to put the peddel to the metal.

I’m off to make a meditation cushion, not coming back till it is finished. 🙂

xx, Feeling

On returning to myself

The last few days have been both scary and wonderful. I have settled into a boring mode of Australian Masterchef, Facebook, food and sleep and it has done me good. Slowly I feel I am returning to myself. Everyday I wake up feeling slightly more myself. I had no clue that the dictatorial regime of my boss had changed me this much. I am starting to enjoy life again, starting to enjoy being me again. So I guess I made the right decision. And I am very thankful that I have sat it out to the end because I have given the company what I could, not more but certainly not less so I feel, if one can say that from themselves that I leave with clean Karma. Can you say that about yourself? Doesn’t feel right but I guess you know what I mean: I do not ow her anything and that is GOOD. 🙂 This is the first time in my life I walk away from something while being ok with the situation. Even though it is unfair and not just and whatever. I do not care, I did not need to win something, I needed to take care of me and that is what I did. So bye bye it is. I even hid the chat function with the nice guy on Facebook so his appearance does not remind me. It works. 🙂

So now what? Dunno. First days were filled with self-destructive thoughts. Glad I have a cat, her existence makes me realise that there is more to life than only my black mood of times. I also did do something which does not feel good: I cancelled the tax check on my book for 2014, claiming I have a bad headache and in any case anyhow need to focus on incoming money, not on historical issues. The fact that I cancelled was ok, I am not prepared and this is ancient history which nobody can change so it CAN actually wait. But I do not like the way I actually cancelled. I’m thinking that again (not the first time in my life) I have played the underdog to get ‘sympathy’ and I do not like that anymore. But haha, I do not want to step up and deal with the real thing yet so I guess I will hang about in the middle. Dangerous place, the middle; people are mostly ok with real underdogs, underdogs which have power generally appear to be manipulative people and get shot down. I still have that standard reaction in me ‘if I get seen by people they will shoot me down, better hide.’ Which is funny because in any crowd I will be the first to stand up and draw attention to me, in a good or bad way, no matter. Might be because I felt I was not allowed, might be because I find it inspirational to fight against the world.

Aah ja; on awareness, I am trying to practice awareness of myself. Not the one where I feel/check my normal self with the same feel/check thingies as I normally do. Hmm, how to explain? I have this daily me and then there is this me which can actually watch my daily me act and react and this other me has a very clear vision of what the daily me does and likes and how reactive she is. I wish I knew the words, don’t know what books to read to get the words. Missing the bookstore man because he would know. Well, this other me, when she is active I call that awareness. The other me does not get thrown about by emotions but actually compassionately watches the daily me getting into trouble. I feel way better when my daily me is being watched over by the awareness because if I leave life to my daily me I keep on running into problems and keep on having issues. I am thinking that I need to give the other me more control, that I need to become aware. Ever since I have stopped drinking I have been trying to unraffle this and haha, quickly fix me getting ‘there’. ‘There’ would be that I live in awareness all day and can Buddha like deal with life. Not so much wanting to be the Budha or whatever but I am thinking my normal reactive state of life is not so sustainable and it is very not peaceful. I have this warrior type of character and damn it wears me out sometimes. I too want to come home and have peace.

At which I hear my awareness / higher self ask me “Do you really?” and my daily self realises that I have no clue whatsoever how to deal with peace. I am thinking this might be a result of growing up, well living in fight-flight-freeze mode for most of my life.

I have been very much aware when I first quit drinking, constantly monitoring where my addicted reflexes would take me. It is funny, did you do that too?

The last weeks, months I have also been very scared about the results of the USA voting. It is only today that I can sort of think….. it might not turn out for the worst-worst. However, I am with Bernie, but he is not in the picture anymore. I need to look it up but I think I can remember from the Apocalypse parts of the bible that it all starts with a worldly powerhouse being ruled by a woman. Not that whatshisorangeface is a better option… (oh and yes, if I insult you with that PLEASE be gone), he looks far worse :-(. The USA has gotten itself in a shit hole and I hope for the best but I fear with either option the USA will take down the rest of world too. So yeah, the USA voting has got me worried badly, setting of old fears of apocalypse instilled by my father. Well, the fears are, the apocalypse not I assume. 😉 I never expected to live longer than 30. Maybe it is no wonder I have no idea of direction. Blegh, moaning, underdog speaking, booooring.

I have not taken any action to find work. I am still settling and I do not want to force that, also I feel I first have to clean the house which obviously is THE BEST reason not to do it. ;-). You know, I don’t even need a Trump or Clinton to ruin my life, I can perfectly do that myself. The aware me now watches me picking fights out of nowhere and keeping busy with fighting because, because the noise and action of the fighting keeps the daily me away from feeling the reality of my life. The daily me would be very lonely if she did. The aware me thinks the daily me very much needs this aloneness to finally come to me. To finally become aware.

For logging purposes some additions of strange experiences and thoughts which I put out here well, to log and to really log. I have the feeling that if I do not push the publish button I have not logged it. Yes and I also at some day hope to find somebody who says ‘Yes! I recognise that! So, no need to read if you are not so very much into vagueness. 🙂 Lately I have learned to actively ‘feel into’ the space between people to try to read what is going on.If I say ‘feel into the space’ do you know what I mean? I am guessing most of you at one moment in your life have walked into others who, at the surface looked pretty normal but you could feel tension in the air, be it aggression or sexual or whatever. That feeling without things being said is what I am talking about, but not only for the big emotions but also for the tiny ones. Sometimes I can guess what a person is thinking about by listening to the space around them. It is a nasty ‘gift’, when unknown and undeveloped it is like being a radio without an on and off button and without a button to adjust to a channel and also without knowing if things which ‘are’, actually come from outside or inside.

But by now I am thinking, if I do this un(sub?)consciously, I might as well use this skill and do it conciously and make it a tool instead of dealing with it like it is an open wound. I assume that this change in dealing with this ‘gift’ is based in realising that I do this ‘feeling’ because, yes, it is getting more vague, because I have lost a womb twin and that sort of left an unnatural opening in my aura. Ever since I think to know (there is no way to know for sure obviously) for sure that this is my history I am starting to close up, feel like I am not walking around with this tremendous, not understood wound. So no matter if this theory is historically correct, it is, for this moment, a hypotheses which helps me develop. It feels very much true and in dealing with the grieve of that loss, I feel I am finally learning to, dunno, value myself really. Like it is very important that there is a reason why I am weird. I guess that is it. I have finally found the reason why I am strange, weird, different. That helps. Obviously people around me do not want me to call myself strange, and I guess I should not, but the word explains very well how I feel so I do use it.

My main grief is to have lost my womb twin brother and because I existed, he could not. How’s that for a starter sentence at a Freudian of Jungian couch?

The hypothesis rests in an experience/vision I had a while ago. In the experience I was in the womb happily, unconsciously growing about with all the gusto I have and suddenly I became aware that the brother whom I loved like he was mine and I was his (strange ownership, not? Sounds more like rivalry than love), well we thought we were one apart from that we had another body, but we identified as one-ish. He died. I felt him dying and his energy disintegrating. Not sure if you have ever witnessed a death from nearby but that is what happens (disclaimer: in my view). That is how I feel it. It was dark, dementor-suck-the-life-out-of-you-dark, but it was part of life and wild like life can be wild. And yet it was organised, there was structure there, as there is organisation in a rainforest, and structure, we just don’t normally see it because we do not know about the structure and the organisation.

Just before my womb twin disintegrated I panicked and wanted to save him and I send him my Life energy. I still check everybody I see on vital signs, through the air, vision, smell, feel, aura, vibe, posture, movement everything. I am not even aware that I do it at the moment I do it. But I can never not comment on somebodies health when I see them. Very irritating and impolite but it just burps out.

Strange but good is that when I realise my (supposed) history, I feel complete. Well, I feel half and miss my brother but that is more logical than whatever I have felt before. Maybe this is a strong visualisation of a missing animus. Could be, but I am actually thinking that my imbalance in yin and yang, anima and animus is based in this. And finding back the balance is of the utmost importance to my growth. I feel I am crooked, unbalanced, not straight internally because I am not whole, because there is unbalance in the female and male aspect of me. Like I have no spine. When I take my history seriously I do feel the spine growing and subsequently I feel the left side of my body energetically coming to life and starting to take part. And then left and right speak with each other. It is cool. But strange because in all kinds of traditions the left side of the body is the female side while the right side of the body is the male side (and brain the other way around). So while I am a woman I tend to think/feel that I live in the right (male) side of my body. Acknowledging my lost twin brother somehow makes my left, female side, wake up and live up to the right side while now the left side of my body is in hiding, always has been. In daily life I experience the left side of my body as the weak side, a place where I should not be because it is dangerous to be there. Funny to discover these things which have been true for so long. Strange it is.

Another experience which was linked to this left side matching the right side is that my issue on sexuality disappeared. It was actually a very powerful moment where I could oversee a lot of things, in this case the world and all its nonsense vanished and it seemed that only reality/energy stayed behind. obviously those moments come and go very quickly. 🙂 I have fallen in love with men all my life, so anybody would guess I am straight but I do not because there is something there (e.g. having sort of falling in love with women and also having had more actual sex with women). But I don’t know, because I was not in love I have always looked upon that as ‘casual sex, because the opportunity arose’ sort of thing. I don’t know. Sometimes it is confusing. But then left and right matched and it was not confusing anymore: sexuality was just sexuality, had no value to it,  was more attributed to conceiving and less to ‘getting some’ or ‘confirming a relationship’ or ‘exclusivity’. It was. Just. No opinion. Both important in itself but no importance, urgency.

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT 2*; happy that I quit my job and happy that I quit drinking. It is only now that I am starting to see the advantages of it again. If I had not quit drinking I would have been all over the place with quitting my job and I would be resentful. Now I think: I went, I ‘lost’ and I took care of myself. There is no winning from a boss. That is why they are boss in the first place. And I had/have/did/do not want to put no energy into going after her. She is her issue. I have my own.

Ooh, I spent 50 Euro I should actually save for later on 4 books I really really want to have and hopefully they are on the boat now. I got ‘Synchronicity’ from Jung. ‘What is in the way is the way’ from Mary O’Maley on kicking a drug and alcohol habit and facing up what is real at that moment. And I got ‘My twin vanished. Did yours?’ from Brent Babcock – not because I expect it to be a very good book but an Amazon review said that he had issues with his sexuality because his sister had died and he had taken up the female energy. That is part of my experience too so I am very curious what he has written on that. Imagine if the internet was not here I would have never seen the whole book.

Ok, bed time, way past bed time. I am happy that I quit. 🙂 Thank you for reading this far into my musings. Hope I do not meet you as too strange to return here. 🙂

I wish you a beautiful, sober day! Ah, I have this thought that someone might need this. Maybe I myself, whatever, for me and for whoever needs it: part of the art of living is just starting over again. Shame (I am not good enough) and guilt (I did something wrong) can spur people on to do the right thing. That is what those emotions are for. They can also keep people away from their strength and thus keep them too weak to act upon it. Throw away what is not beneficial. Do not lie to yourself about either of them; not about the wanting to run away from these feelings and not about needing to get away from them. Lying to yourself only makes everything worse. Addiction, alcoholism is destructive, but falling for it does not make you a bad person; you are just taking the wrong way out. That’s all.

xx, Feeling

Free online conference on raising kids the mindful way

Well, that is what it is: raising kids the mindful way in a free online conference. They promise not only tools for kids but enjoyment for parents. 🙂

It starts today (3rd of november) and runs till the 7th. Please note: there will be people speaking on how to (try to?) prevent addiction in your kids.

Hope you enjoy!

I am happy that I quit. Wrestling currently with finding a new rythm in my non working life. Need to do stuff. Ghegheghe, I am so much more productive in a team than on my own but I want to beat this now. So I’m off! 🙂 Cleaning. 🙂

xx, Feeling

15 Kinds of Verbal Abuse

I wish to share with you this beautifully insightful article of Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D  based on a book of Patricia Evans on verbal abuse. I have put all kinds of links in here as not to be stealing anybodies work.

The article has helped me a lot to get clarity in the extreme stressful work situation I have found myself in the last year. I am SO happy I quit. It has been 2 days and I am slowly finding myself back, whoa… I can not even find words for the relieve I feel and re-reading this article now, while the stressful, damaging work situation is not present anymore helps me to get the situation clear and regroup myself. I feel I have been hiding like a small scared child in a corner, only to come out to scream and cry.

Sobriety is all about what you take in and leave out. Since I could not moderate in what part of her (destructive) communication I let in I needed to leave.

Reading through the list I have memories of the way my parents communicated and how I was brought up. I think, if I want to summarise (is that the word?) the situation of my childhood, of the marriage of my parents, of the family situation I would say that in the basis we lived in a continuous battle with each other. I was once given two questions by my therapist; “If the other exists, can you exist?” and I had to answer “No”. “If you exist, can the other exist?” and the answer was “No.” again. That is how I grew up, thinking that people have to fight continuously for their spot in this world, thinking that if somebody took the right to live, to be, they needed to be taken down because it was seen as a threat. Possibly siblings envy but then on a family scale. The execution of fight-flight-freeze mode in a group. Obviously that does not work in a group when one/people execute this to the max so there was a solution which is called hierarchy. My father was the top-dog and we all had to follow. He overruled and undercut my mother where ever she went only when she did that to herself he would support her and be the nice guy. I followed and supported that behaviour. I am sorry mom, I am so sorry. But why the FUCK DID YOU NOT STAND UP?!! Cut his balls of and shove them down his throat? Why not? (excuse my French)

I guess for the same reason as I let my boss bully me: because you somehow felt you did not have the right to do so. Because I somehow felt I did not have the right to do so. Because of the (family) dynamics we grew up in. Because I agreed with the dynamics at work because the look familiar to me. That is where I blow off steam to the outside world but my inner Feeling is saying: “Aaah, there is me being put down. Wow, that really makes me feel at home. I like it here. :-)” Masochism? Not sure how those dynamics work. She’s a sadist though, I know that. And I did ‘analyse’ the rest of my colleagues and found traits of masochism in all of them. Some of them even literally said: “I like dominant women.” Karma just pulled a joke on me by making the asshole a woman instead of a man. If it would have been a man I would have seen it earlier. 😀

“Karma is a BITCH!”

“Projections, projections.”

Soooo…. verbal abuse, below is the article of PSYCHOLOGY TODAY a site I find very read-worthy.

If we look at verbal abuse as a means of maintaining control and power over someone, we can think of the types of verbal abuse listed and explained in this post as being ways that someone tries to dominate or control their partner.

Does this mean that the abuser actually feels more powerful when he (or she), for instance, subtly puts down his partner’s interests? Yes, as incomprehensible as this is to some of us. Does this mean that their partner feels put down? Not always. He or she may feel a twinge of sadness because they cannot share this interest. Or he or she may feel a twinge of sadness that their partner can’t enjoy, say, a particular artist or composer. Does this mean that the abuser can’t (or doesn’t) enjoy this pleasure? Not always; he or she may simply find greater pleasure in feeling that they have power over their partner.

We will also see that verbal abuse prevents real relationships. This seems obvious, but the partner of an abuser may live under the illusion that he or she has a real relationship. This may be for a number of reasons; an important one is that, as a couple, the abuser and their partner may function adequately in their respective roles. Verbal abusers generally experience many of their feelings as anger. For instance, if a verbal abuser feels unsure and anxious he may simply feel angry—possibly angry that he is feeling unsure and anxious. Yet part of being human is the ability to feel. The ability to feel, like the ability to think, is universal to humanity. Unfortunately, the abuser is generally unwilling to accept his feelings and unwilling to reveal them to a partner. He builds a wall between himself and his partner and maintains that distance.

In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans identifies a number of categories of verbal abuse. Some are obvious, while others are more subtle:

1. Withholding.

Withholding is primarily manifested as a withholding of information and a failure to share thoughts and feelings. A person who withholds information refuses to engage with his or her partner in a healthy relationship. He or she does not share feelings or thoughts. When he or she does share anything, it is purely factual or functional information of the sort their partner could have looked up online, read on his or her Facebook wall, or figured out on their own. Examples of withholding communication that fail to engage the partner include: “The car is almost out of gas”; “The keys are on the table”; and “The show is on now.”

2. Countering.

Countering is a tendency to be argumentative—not merely in political, philosophical, or scientific contexts but in ordinary contexts as well. The victim of the abuse may share her positive feelings about a movie she just saw, and the abuser may then attempt to convince her that her feelings are wrong. This is countering, or dismissing the victim’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences on a regular basis.

3. Discounting.

Discounting is an attempt to deny that the victim of the abuse has any right to his or her thoughts or feelings. It may come out as criticism—but criticism of a particular kind. The abuser may tell the victim on a regular basis that he or she is too sensitive, too childish, has no sense of humor, or tends to make a big deal out of nothing. The abuser thereby denies the victim’s inner reality, indirectly telling a partner that how they feel and what they experience are wrong.

4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes.

The abuser may say something very upsetting to the victim of the abuse and, after seeing her reaction add, “It was just a joke!” Abuse is not OK in any form; jokes that hurt are abusive.

5. Blocking and diverting.

Blocking and diverting is a form of withholding in which the abuser decides which topics are “good” conversation topics. An abuser practicing this form of abuse may tell the victim that she is talking out of turn or is complaining too much.

6. Accusing and blaming.

In these forms of abuse the abuser will accuse the victim of things that are outside of his or her control. He or she might accuse a partner of preventing them from getting a promotion because the partner is overweight, or ruining his or her reputation because the partner dropped out of college.

7. Judging and criticizing.

Judging and criticizing is similar to accusing and blaming but also involves a negative evaluation of the partner. As Evans points out, “Most ‘you’ statements are judgmental, critical, and abusive.” Some abusive judging and criticizing “you” statements are: “You are never satisfied”; “You always find something to be upset about”; and “No one likes you because you are so negative.”

8. Trivializing.

Trivializing is a form of verbal abuse that makes most things the victim of the abuse does or wants to do seem insignificant. The abuser might undermine his or her work, style of dressing, or choice of food.

9. Undermining.

Undermining is similar to trivializing, which consists of undermining everything the victim says or suggests, or making her question herself and her own opinions and interests.

10. Threatening.

Threatening is a common form of verbal abuse and can be very explicit, such as, “If you don’t start doing what I say, I will leave you.” Or it can be more subtle, such as, “If you don’t follow my advice, others will find out that you are a very unreliable person.”

11. Name calling.

Name calling can be explicit or subtle. Explicit name-calling can consist in calling the victim of the abuse a “bitch” or other hurtful words. But it can also be more subtle, such as when someone says things that are implicitly hurtful, for instance, “You are such a victim,” or “You think you are so precious, don’t you?”

12. Forgetting.

The category of forgetting covers a range of issues ranging from forgetting a promise to forgetting a date or an appointment. Even if the abuser really forgot, it is still abuse, because he ought to have made an effort to remember.

13. Ordering.

Any form of ordering or demanding is a form of verbal abuse. It falls under the general issue of control. (Insert from Berit Brogaard: See my previous post about controlling people.)

14. Denial.

Denial is abusive when it consists of denying one’s bad behavior and failing to realize the consequences of this behavior. An abuser will always try to find a way to justify and rationalize his behavior. This is a way of denying that he has done anything wrong.

15. Abusive anger.

Any form of yelling and screaming, particularly out of context. Even yelling “Shut up!” is abusive. No one deserves to be yelled at.


Evans, Patricia (2009). The Verbally Abusive Relationship (pp. 84-85). Adams Media. Kindle Edition.

Berit “Brit” Brogaard is the author of On Romantic Love

Back to my own writing: I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!! I have done this job for a year and 2 days. It is autumn now and today the sun is out, another moment it rains like crazy. This sort of sums up my mood but I have seen several rainbows today and that is GOOD! I am trying to be aware of the swings I make, so I try to be a witness to what is happening instead of being thrown all over the place by my emotions. I like it. This is what I need more of, this is what I want to be able to do so awareness is what I need to practise.

A woman who loves herself would love herself. 🙂 ❤ What I am fighting with currently is that something within me says that I need time to process what has happened but that would be the old Feeling. I think I would feel way better if I make this day,  every moment of the day the beginning of my new life. 🙂 I worked till the last day of my notice so I did not ow her anything. HR offered me paid leave, I refused. I actually even took some time off to see a doctor and to attend a funeral. All of that could have been paid with me not working. I did not. Now I am free. I need to behave as such. And I will! Nature is showing me the rainbows!! Who am I to sulk? I AM FREE!!!!

This, but with less tension in the shoulders and hopefully a little more regard for the rest of the world. 🙂

Wishing you a beautiful sober day!

xx, Feeling

Sooooo, that’s it…

Had my last working day today. Since I gave up my job I have been very much out of balance only finding it back slowly. I am very happy I quit. 😀 Quit drinking, quit my job. My blood pressure dropped 20 points today when walking out that door. 🙂

No clue what to do next apart from a day at the spa tomorrow. I am actually expecting loneliness. We shall see.

I think I can now say that what worried me most about the job is that the demeaning attitude of my boss towards me made me not want to take care of me anymore. When asking myself: what would a woman who loves herself do? I would think that jumping of my flat (no, not going to) would be a suitable answer to that question. That is dangerous. It made me not want to care, not want to watch out where I was going.

Also it made me realise that only when I accept myself FULLY I can continue to live. There is always an amazing quality to darkness where it leads me to light. 🙂 So I have been practising that and realising that I am far, far away but now I am more aware of it.

Along with this realisation I keep on thinking that in the line of ‘what we resist, persists’ the things I am learning come back to me until I have learned them. I have not dealt with addiction so now I am addicted to sugar and I have to deal there. I’m a little closer to home: addiction to sugar IS a lot safer than addiction to alcohol but still the seeds of not being at ease in my life, trying to hide, those have not been pulled out by the root. And I guess that is EXACTLY a contradiction; comfort and pulling out roots and all. But the funny thing about thinking this is that it equals my thinking about alcohol: I can never relax if I do not drink. While actually the drinking kept me from finding peace. Now the eating sugar keeps me from finding peace, and the not accepting myself too. And with both I have these thoughts, well not so much thoughts but blockages (?), more energetic blockages where it says “NO, IMPOSSIBLE! You can not change this!” Same voice told me that I could not stop drinking. “Jump of the building”; same voice. :-/

I am thinking of going back to drinking  green tea. I quit all types of black, green and white tea when I quit the 3 liters of diet coke a day. (Did I? Yes, I did. 😦 ). I never truely quit cola because whenever I hear a can being opened of any type of drink I have this ‘Ooooh, cola!!!!” reflex in my body. I am VERY happy I do not think ‘Oooh, beer!!!’ btw. I only stopped drinking cola, I never realised it was part of my addictive behaviour; spike up my mood during the day with cola, take it down in the evening with beer. And again, and again, and again… So why the green tea: health reasons. Green tea is cheap but it has a lot of anti-oxidants, I believe in a list of food stuff it is 3rd, soo….. 2 Cups a day keeps the doctor away. I do not like the taste anymore so I am thinking I will be doing the homeopathing solution to it: dilute it thoroughly. I am afraid though I put myself in danger of going back to black tea, cola and… Yeah, funny. But relapse does not start at drinking beer. It starts at not caring and crossing borders which should not be crossed. You know, I’m not going to do this.

Funny how taking 2 drops of homeopathic medicine or Bach remedies with alcohol in a glass of water do not upset me in the least and drinking green tea does. Aah, I guess it has to do with the connection, the association to addictive behaviour.

The saying goodbye at work was strange because the boss was there. A lot of people had already said how much they were going to miss me earlier so, well, there is that. 🙂 Funny to think that it is important that people will miss me. 🙂 Nice guy was strangely absent the whole day. People say he is going to miss me like crazy. He obviously does not. Pfff, I wish I was able to tell him how much I like him. 😦 Not sure if I am welcome. Everybody says I am but we keep on playing it ‘cool’ so I never know what or when or… And he is dating women but the way he deals with it is like ‘are you sure you want to do this?’. And he’s addicted to pot. (Gosh?! Do I see a similarity somewhere?) Well, he already quit gambling and drinking, sooooooo, so he should be no go. Guess I will be having enough to worry about in the near future. But I do not feel like worrying, it feels like the whole world has opened up to me again. I thought I would be afraid. I am not. Not currently. I feel like I can deal with the stuff coming up. Strange it is. Dealing would definitely be a new tool. 😉

A woman who loves herself would sit up straight so she can breathe and go to bed because she is tired. She would also take time to set her mind to open up to the Halloween night or dias los muertos; worldwide, in all cultures there are celebrations on the opening of the veil between the land of the living and the land of the dead around the 1st and 2nd of november. I am thinking that focussing on that might help me reconnect to some lost ones in my dreams even though I guess I still feel very much ashamed about my drinking towards my deceased mother. And then again: meeting my mother again would be a possibility to practice forgiving myself and accepting myself for who I am.

Addiction: a misunderstanding of the functionings of Life. Trying to hide, not feel and forget where opening up, feeling, accepting and dealing are due. 😦 I wish I had known. 😦 Well, I did, so what do I wish? I wish I had really realised the power of it? Aaah, I wish I had realised that the more I fell into the trap, the less I saw the trap. That is it. I knew the trap ‘before I stepped into it’. That sounds funny but with the first glass of alcohol I drank in early puberty I knew it would be getting me in trouble. I still find that a strange memory. It is significant but I can not see 1: how I could have known and 2: why I did not stop at that moment, what where the dynamics at play that I ignored such a strong and important warning? Don’t know. It will sort itself out some day.

For now: a woman who loves herself would have been in bed already.

I am freaking happy that I quit in a sort of tired, gheghe, possibly desperate way (Note to self: need to do more fun stuff!). Not all too sure I like this sober life right now but it is so much better than drinking AND this concept of learning to undo the layers of shit and pain and whatever I lay upon me and finally discovering my core and working towards acceptance of myself and appreciation; that is good. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling