One of the blogs I follow touched on the subject of feeling guilty about drinking. Not sure if anybody noticed but I haven’t touched that subject knowingly yet. Funny that I do think that I should feel guilty and pour my heart out before I can be healed. That is a very Catholic concept. Or is it a human concept as well. It is true if relations get hurt, then you need to get things clear before continuing.
Not sure if I am avoiding it. BS. No, I don’t want to go there. Yes, I am sure that I am avoiding guilt. I am avoiding guilt and saying that there is no use in feeling guilty AND that it is destabilising, which is very true AND saying that it is too early to make amends; I do not have the emotional stability and the mindset yet to do so.
And…. I knew up front that making amends would be a big thing if I would continue drinking and say, start looking for fight or whatever if I was pissed. So I hid my drinking and did not contact others while drinking or drunk. Nor drive cars. I would not drink or halve or quarter my intake if I had to drive in the early morning or would be seeing people.
I look back and I feel sadness, I felt and therefore was powerless when it came to alcohol, did not have the tools, the information, the maturity or the rock bottom yet, not sure what. It IS an addiction. That is what addictions do. When looking back and stumbling on hurtful situations of 20 years ago I, I don’t know, it just hurts. It makes me sad, it shows me how strong alcohol is.
I keep on thinking: I would not have done any of these things if I had not been addicted. Is that an excuse? It is a reason. If we take the statement that alcohol addiction is an illness it is an excuse. Or? Or should I say: If I had not let myself become addicted I would not have done any of these things. If we truly believe alcohol addiction is an illness, how come I and I assume a lot of all the people that I know think that alcohol addiction is a choice, or, at best, lacking to choose not to be addicted.
But I can not change what happened. In that I am powerless too. It is not good to put energy in wanting to change the past. It screws me up, can’t be done. I can look back. It hurts.
Non of this is the point. The point is that I think that I should feel guilty. And, push the ranting button: I don’t want to go there because this Idea of Guilt has been put there by people who are big on guilt and I defy them! He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone (at her)!!!
Sooooo, nicely caught up in my guilt trip. 🙂 🙂 This is therapist stuff, not gonna do this by myself. All in all it feels like a shitload of addict speak. Looking forward to the book on Addictive Thinking. See what that’s gonna bring.
Cliché time: If you want to change the past, change today.
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character; watch your character: it becomes your destiny.
Happy that I quit. Happy that I am free of the alcohol. There’s stuff to do for sure but happy that I am free. Proud of the stuff that I did today. Loads of deep cleaning, should have done more. Will continue. And the cat is getting grumpy with the egg timer going off every 15 minutes so I can check on my emotions, practise in relaxing and check if I am actually following the plan. It is working. More often now I notice that my thoughts run of to a dark non relaxed place and I call them back.