The bad AND the good.

Sad today. Sad, frustrated and ashamed about me being angry, well, it seems almost all the  time. I don’t know, anger is just overwhelmingly big right now. Christmas time. Thinking about Christmases past with both parents drinking and continuously bickering, arguing, fighting. My mother used to get uptight already 2 weeks before Christmas and the tension in the only eased when the tree was broken down. It was my birthday in between. I always felt that everybody thought is was very inconveniently planned. All along everybody tried to play happy family. Sometimes we were.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I carry a lot of anger in me. In comments here people have called me ‘honest’ and ‘courageous’.  Today I translated that to ‘too angry to be polite’ and ‘too angry to pay attention to the damage I could do to myself’.  Can’t take a compliment. Next I figured out that I can’t take a compliment. Still put sadness between me and all that is good. It has something to do with that middle place I can not find yet: there were everything just IS. And not the bottom where everything is horrible, or the top, where everything is fantastic. I think it is a very addictive things to look for those extremes. I actually find that I internally guid myself towards either of them. Only dead fish go with the flow. That actually has been my motto for a silly 20 years or so. By now I wish I still remembered how to go with the flow. 🙂 Ghegheghe… and then I hear the trees in the park speak to each other ‘Humans, and all their opinions…. what a waste…’

About anger: I need to learn to recognise it now I am soberish. No not drinking, but I feel like the mood swings I make are still after effects of the addiction. Unresolved issues that burst through the surface. I noticed I wanted to hang on to the bad feeling of Christmas and forget the good things. I guess, a few days after, I might as well make the good list.

– My mother was the best Christmas tree decorator I know. Well, apart from the professional ones that  have loads of money and do trees at Harrods or so. She could hang everything so that the whole tree was balanced beautifully. Later, when she herself was very ill she did not want a tree in the house anymore ‘I don’t want a dying tree in my house.’ I can’t actually remember if she did buy a fake one. But, I was trying to look a the good things.

– We played a lot of bord games, that was fun.

– My mother had a few very nice Christmas records and cd’s that we played ever so now and then.

– The fire would be burning in the wood stove and the underfloor would be heated so the whole living part of the house was nice and warm and cosy.

– There would be cats around, that would sometimes cost a few baubles but that was ok.

– We would go out for a walk after dinner or in the morning and the fields would be all dark and cold.

– We never did the presents on Christmas, my parents said it was the celebration of light in the world, not the celebration of commerce. 🙂 Yeah, I can hear you thinking: the apple did not fall far from the tree… Extreme opinions running in the family? Check! Well, we have Santa Claus at the 5th of December, in the Netherlands he is the guy that brings the presents.

– My mother had these beautiful candle holders from iittala named Nappi. Not sure if they are still on the market but they cast this beautiful light shadow. The shadow would move with the movements of the flame. I bought some for myself when I left the house. They were at the table. I would sit with my back to the stove and my front to the candle and look at the lights.

– I would bring chocolates from the finest chocolate maker in our capital. These were a true treat and a happy together moment.

Moods, mood swings, I am noticing that not only the thinking about alcohol is something that can be adjusted from ‘Yessssss!!!’ to a more healthy ‘No thank you.’ But it also looks like the moods I am in are partially supported by myself. It is not only hormones of any kind playing up, it is also me with a whole series of thoughts that support it. In the movie What the bleep do we know scientists explain how we get addicted to our emotions by training our cells to receive certain chemicals that change the state of the cell to happy or sad or whatever. One person says: ‘If you cannot stop certain feelings, you must be addicted to it.’ I am starting to get really interested in that thought.

Guess I had a roller coaster day too because I did stuff. I woke up pretty clear-headed because I had slept well and started to plan my day. Immediately 10.001 thoughts crossed my mind and I ended up doing everything half or only starting and not even continuing. That is the state of my brain these days. I have tried to re-write my CV and write a letter of application. It’s difficult. I feel bad about myself, specifically when writing my CV. I have so much experience, am superbly skilled in so many fields. The only (?) think I fail in is getting my shit together, finding out what really makes my heart sing and last but not least dealing with the nasty people I meet along the way. Like these ex-colleges saying at my first day at the job: ‘It took us three months to pester your predecessors out of here. That will work with you too.’ Or this new boss: ‘I am ok with girls going to college, university, no problem. But I do not understand why they actually have to get a job. If it were my choice you would not be here. Let’s see how long you last.’

I guess the universe is trying to tell me something. 🙂 Unfortunately I still do not know what. I used to believe in ‘The path is the destination.’ Now I look back on my path through my CV and I see unfinished schools mixed with schools where I was in the top 3 of the class. I see a job at a HQ of an international company where I get an ‘Excels’ as a rating. That happens to 2% of the company on a yearly basis. And then the shitty people turn up. Guess I am somebody that lives and breathes extremes. I don’t want that anymore. Quitting alcohol was a good idea. Now I need to deal with the addiction.

Happy that I quit. Though these days it is suddenly getting difficult. Not sure if it connected to the higher sugar intake or to being confronted to my working history. Doesn’t really matter: the solution is less sugar and do the stuff I need to do.

In the new category ‘what I want?’ I want somebody to take care of me :-). Well, that is not going to happen. And if it did I would chuck them out because I don’t want to be dependent on somebody…. 😦 Need trust for that. Trust is in short supply.

What do I need? I need to take better care of myself and I don’t do it because I am tired of being me. So I think I don’t deserve to take care of me. That it’s all a waste anyway. Well, nothing that comes easy is worth having. And pain is a growing opportunity that has not been fulfilled. And going to bed at a normal time has always been a good idea. The cat came to get me an hour ago. 🙂 I actually have a cat that takes care of me.

A big biased poll on family, Christmas and alcohol

Where I come from Christmas is originally less celebrated than in English speaking countries. However, we do have something callled Christmas stress. Not a lot of people like to speak about it but hey, that’s me; always excited to explore the nasty stuff that is lurking in the dark!

So partially based on my own experience, partially based on the blogs I read the last few days I did a poll. No. Rephrase. I did a VERY BIASED poll on family and Christmas and alcohol. Care to join in? Well, do NOT let my questioning stop you from answering truthfully if you are in a peachy, warm and fuzzy place. You might have to make up some loving answers yourself but in most questions there is room to do so.

Sooooo, get in there now while your memory is still fresh. ENJOY!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope you enjoyed! And of course I hope the poll gives/gave/will give you and me some insight in the subject of the darker side of Christmas, family and alcohol. If you come back in a few days you can check out the results!

Drinking dream and thoughts running

I had a dream about drinking last night. Ieeehks! It started of with me forgetting about not drinking alcohol and accepting a glass of something, can’t even remember what it was. The first sip was a mistake – I should have, possibly could have stopped there. But I did not out of ‘politeness’. So the rest of the glass followed, and another, and another and I was standing by seeing myself drinking the one after the other and it was awful. No control what so ever. Since I have not been drinking for 4 months now what people call ‘the buzz’ kicked in pretty quickly but it was not nice. Actually, it was awful, it felt like being on tranquilizers or so. I don’t know how it finished. I do remember thinking: ‘I need to get away from this party because I do not feel good.’ And: ‘I want to drink more!! But not in public.’

Nasty dream. All of it felt horrible. And I guess I now know what ‘we admitted we are powerless over our addiction’ means. I was just a bystander in my body grabbing for more and more and more. It was awful. I can’t imagine I did that to me for years.

Since I am sober I suspect there is a link from being confronted with alcohol or a strong longing during the day to the dreams. What happened was a Christmas dinner at friends. The host and I have a history of serious drinking and I believe last year we finished 3 bottles of wine and 6 liters of beer between us while chatting and singing. I had informed him upfront that I did not drink anymore and like all the others he replied with a ‘please mail me a list of what you ARE having (now)’ or something along those lines because he is familiar with my ever-changing food requests. Following all the tips in the sober blogosphere I had taken brought some AF drinks that interest me. Btw: I notice that sounds have a big effect on urges: 2 bottles clashing in a bag, the rattling of bear bottles in a crate, the psssssssst! noise of a can opening -> urge.

The urge yesterday came with the smell of wine. I was sitting next to the host and he bend over the game we were playing and with that move his glass of wine got waved in front of me. DING DING DING DING DING!!! ALCOHOL!!! I noticed that I started salivating, I guess that tells me I am addicted. Still having difficulty with that concept because I THINK that I am having an easier time than others with quitting. I am starting to suspect that this THINKING is just another way of fooling myself into THINKING I am not addicted. And anyhow, normal is not good enough for me and being right makes me superior. 😦

Actually, I am suspecting that the ease I have with quitting might be another part of the problem. Or…? Or am I ruining everything that is good and putting sadness between me and the world? Don’t know. Thinking it is very easy to quit is a thought that in the future will make me drink because there is arrogance and denial in it. Therefore it is dangerous. Thinking that it is difficult to stop will make me drink in the future because then there is no use in stopping. Ergo, if I have a difficult live without the booze I might as well drink and have a difficult life with the booze.

You know, I’m being fucking haunted by a shitload of addictive thoughts. They are fucking me up. Nasty, nasty, nasty. Wanna puke. I feel like I am drunk. My thinking feels like I am drunk. How can that be? Too much sugar in the soft drinks? Physical reaction to the back pain that has returned and bothered me all evening? Yes, I am aware that it is the other way around and that I bother my back by not excercising and sitting all day :-(. If it were somebody else giving me this pain I would have fought them all day.

Well, back to yesterday. What I did, yes, stupid, stupid, stupid, is smell the wine and enjoy it and thinking ‘Ha! This is what other people speak of if they have difficulty not drinking.’ God I am SO ARROGANT! Lacking a more creative word I would like to place a wholehearted FUCK!!! in here. And the cat is meowing because she hears that my typing is erratic and I am hammering on the keyboard and that is not good. But she is lovely. 🙂

Before I wrote this post I thought that if I ever drink again it is because of arrogance of thinking I can deal. Reading back I should also watch out for ‘being polite’ and not refusing a drink because that is what happened in the dream. I actually smell alcohol right now. I should have never let that smell inside. I should not have enjoyed it. Within minutes it changed into the nasty, not fresh smell of alcohol that made me nauseous but not at first and I have paid with a dream and am paying with insecurity and self-doubt now.

I must read this post in a few days because I feel that this is another of those phases that I experience in sobering up. And I need to get out of this phase now because it is destructive. It has panic and non constructive thoughts of powerlessness in it. Off to bed. See what tomorrow brings. No good can come of thinking in this mode.

I am happy that I quit and suddenly worried if I can carry through. Not that I want to drink but I have lost my confidence. Not proud, well, a little, on the 4 months and my first sober Christmas in 30 years.

I will try to add a new category; what I need. The what I need right now is sleep and tomorrow taking care of me so the backpain is sorted out.

4 Months – 2Kg – 750 Euro

4 Months sober? Did I ever think I would make that? Yes, I guess I did. Or maybe I should rephrase that in: I had to believe I was able to do it otherwise I knew I would fail and then I worked to make it possible.

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Cutting down on the beta blockers is going ok-ish. I am still at stage 1 where I do 2 * 50mg instead of 1 * 50. It seems the same but the blood level of the active stuff now only rises to 25 and then slowly falls down to zero. While before there was a peak of 50. That is different. In order to feel good I have to go out and move for at least an hour a day and that is working. And… NEW: I even do that when I do not feel like it.  🙂

I have to make sure that I do not drink licorice tea or something with caffeine. However, I am guessing that a little high blood pressure and a real body is better than a low blood pressure and a body that I do not understand and can abuse because the results of any abuse are covered up by the beta blocker. My plan (don’t even dare to use that word here anymore) is to quit the beta blockers, do a detox and go on a diet and loose weight. I believe 5% weight loss results in 10 points blood pressure or so. Or maybe different but there are large blood pressure results to be gotten on weight loss.

– Losing water weight currently, I guess it is due to cutting down the beta blockers. It says so on the enclosed leaflet that retaining water is a side effect. Which…. in itself is really funny because retaining water is a CAUSE of high blood pressure as well. Well, kidneys not functioning and then retaining water is.

– I do have a back pain that keeps me awake at night. Not sure what it is. First I thought it were my kidneys but they were tested and ok. It used to be only there when I slept for more than 8 hours. Now it is there constantly when I am laying down and during the day. When I go walking out during the day I pay extra attention to pulling in my abs and that works. So I am guessing the back pain is caused by bad posture and sitting all day. I should (there is the S-word again) train my abs. See if the pain goes away.

On pain: I am beginning to think I have a very low pain threshold. I once read something about that in connection to alcohol but I forgot how it worked. I guess it worked like taking pain killers and then quitting: anything you feel then will hurt badly. I wonder when this will change back to ‘normal’.

– Now that I am outside more I a sleep better when/if I sleep. Sleep is very important to me in order to deal with stuff. I only really sleep once in a month or so and when I wake up I am sky-high over all the energy I have. 🙂 I am working on how to arrange my life so that I will be sleeping better but I am still not making the choices to support that. Still watching loads of tv for instance and going to bed late at night and waking up halfway through the day. I don’t know why I do that. I feel it is a substitute addiction. I feel I still don’t want to be really present in this life.  Working on it in the steps that I can take like cutting down on the beta blockers – who influence sleep patterns as well :-(. I am guessing that 30 years of hiding in booze and 4 years in beta blockers don’t go away with 4 months of sobriety. In the homeopathy they say to that 1 year of sickness needs at least 1 month of repair.

– I have binged on chocolate lately. Binging defines as: eating at least 100 grams of dark chocolate a day. I guess I am slacking in taking good care of me because I am not afraid I will be loosing my sobriety over it. Also: I have not found other things that please me as a reward. I am guessing the only way to go is the way of the monk and NOT demand a reward for every tiny little thing. Yes, I should (s-word) be more mindful of what I am doing. But getting tired of that sometimes.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I still don’t do anything. It looks like my initiative is broken. I am already Very Proud if I go out for a walk on a day that I don’t feel like it. I am still trying to feel my way through it. It feels like my initiative is depleted. If there is such a thing. I guess this is the price to pay for not taking care of me and now I have to make sure I get it back somehow. I feel it is connected  to me having worked too hard for way too long; 12 hours a day 6-7 days a week and then drinking to flush the stress away. I also think it is connected to me not doing the full circle of life in anything that I do: I used to be very good at starting things (being born) but maintenance or letting go (living and dying) are not in my repertoire. I guess that somehow screws up the energy flows that are supposed to be. And I don’t know nothing about letting go so I guess this is going to be interesting. I quit drinking but that feels different from letting go. Or maybe…. I don’t know how letting go should feel and I project all kinds of difficulties on it while it is actually the same as quitting drinking: crying, saying goodbye, realising how bad it is and feeling my way into a new, sober world. With saying: I do not have the skills to maintain or let go I do the same as with thinking I could not stop with drinking: I block myself even to think or feel about it. Hmmmm, there’s a thought.

– I am still working on recognising how I use the word ‘should’ – the S-word, to arrange my life. Not going fast in that, really slowly. Every discovery feels overwhelming, the things I do to myself with using that word. Nasty. It blocks energy in a bad way. I notice I want to look away from this issue. I guess I will stay with the noticing what I want to do with it.

– On aggression; on aggression there are a few things. One of them is that I find (haha, you would have noticed) that it is there (here!!!!) and that it pops up without me noticing. I have had a few flame reactions this last month and I never saw them coming because how I perceive my anger has changed. It scares me that I can be so destructive. I have a whole post here on an imagined conversation with my mother on things that I am very angry about and I do not dare to publish it. What scares me most is  that every day I think I am genuinely me, but the day after I noticed that the aggression I carry is still alcohol fueled or fueled by not being sober long enough and not having the rest that comes with it. Looking back in my blog line I see a lot of anger that now feels differently. Looking around at other sober blog posts I get the feeling that outbursts of anger are part of sobering up. I get called out of my cave over what I perceive as dishonest or unfair. And of course my megalomaniac thinking spurs me to speak up. I am starting to see the link with projecting things and anger. I force myself to be fair, I can’t stand it if my nephew of 10 is unfair about something and I will come down on him like an avalanche when he is. 😦 Sorry, sorry, sorry nephew, world. 😦 Working on it. The error is in thinking I have the right or need to say something. Aaaah, and because I am overwhelmed by the ‘error’ of the other I justify lashing out because the other hurt me first. Hmmm. Food for thought. Standing by and not commenting looks like approval – I don’t want to go their either. Or would I be using that as an excuse to lash out. Not sure. It needs addressing. (Trying very hard not to use the S-word here – it is not working. SO MUCH TO DO!)

– On liking me: sometimes I like myself and like the feeling within me where I think I reside. I am starting to really like people sometimes and not worry about their flaws. Yes, sorry, sorry, ‘really like people’ sounds awful but well, I am saying it like it is. I had/have difficulty with that. And, in my arrogance I think a lot of people have that but do not want to recognise it. Saying it like it is sometimes helps others. I have had 3 moms admitting to me that they have been so depressed that they hated their babies and really felt like they wanted to kill them. Which in itself is a BAD IDEA but having the possibility to speak about it did take the pressure of it and allowed  them to continue and find a happy path. (And yes, you could worry about my choice in friends 😉 ) People tell me a lot of shit because they trust I will not laugh at them because I am familiar with the insane part of living.

– On openness about drinking and not drinking. I still stick to the story that I get depressed from drinking which is true. If people ask how much I used to drink I answer with: well, more than your GP would advice. Because I thought that drinking was my problem and I did not want it to ruin friendships and other relations I have not been drinking a lot in public over the last years. So now people don’t even congratulate me on not drinking. Everybody sort of thinks it is part of my many funny food issues that I have displayed over the last years. I got a mail from the friend I am visiting this evening: Could you please mail me what you do and do not eat and drink (now)? And what you would like (instead)? :-D. He’s joking with that, but we both know it is true as well. So by now I can actually freely speak of not drinking and my new discoveries with friends. And that is good. 🙂

Everybody is more surprised when I say that I still write 4 hours per day in my diary – that would be blog reading and writing. I guess they are surprised that I STILL do it, not that I do it. And I am guessing that says something about their expectations of my (lack of) stamina :-(. Everybody is happy that I am happy again. I get a lot of compliments over having changed for the better. Like my eyes have lost the look of despair and depression. I am still rather emotional and cry easily but as long as I do not act like that is an issue other people seem to be ok with it too. It’s not the sobbing crying, just the tears leaking silently.

– On clarity: I notice  that I am less clear lately. My affinity with telepathy is improving, specifically with those friends who have affinity for that as well but my head feels unclear. Must be the sugar. Must be eating the sugar because I rather hide than be clear. I have done little soul-searching the last days. I was thinking I spend most of my thoughts on being sober and if I wanted to get back into life I should not do that. In order to break the ‘thinking about not drinking’ I started watching Netflix. It has broken. But I am not content with the result because I am not living yet. Ghegheghe… yes, well, looking back at those sentences I can only say: why would you expect to start living again if you watch Netflix 6 hours a day? %$#@!!! Gheghegheghe…. I am guessing I am pretty new at living. Not taking the right steps yet. It is scary that things are sometimes only logical in hindsight. They say that learning is making sure that the process that takes place in hindsight now gets moved backward (or forward if you like) in the timeline so the experience becomes apparent BEFORE doing something stupid. I would like that. But I guess there would be nothing left to be happy about.

I am happy that I quit. Sometimes it is difficult to notice that every day I discover new areas that need addressing. Longing for perfection being one of them….. 😉 As long as I have some major ‘improvements’ or insights in how things work I am ok with it. Otherwise it is depressing. But in moments that are depressing I have never thought that I might as well go back to drinking ‘because nothing has changed anyhow’. But I am aware that if I do not proceed in life that feeling will come and it might become strong too. So I am doing all this internal growth sometimes in peace, sometimes with a perceived baseball bat in my neck that is waiting to break my neck if I slow down. That causes some tension. I guess it is how I visualise perfection.

What I need: I need to take care of myself. I have let go. I need to return to taking care. 🙂

I wish you a sober, clear, insightful, loving, happy that you quit Christmas.

Tricked out of my secrecy

Went for dinner this week with one of my closer friends. Truth be said, she is not very, very, very observant when it comes to people but we have been seeing each other on a monthly base for about 10 years now. If ever I went boozing with girls she was part of the team. And when I mentioned today that going out for a drink started to be a bit annoying because I don’t drink alcohol, black, green tea or herb tea with licorice, coffee, anything with sugar or aspartame…. actually the only thing left are herb teas, fruit juices (loaded with sugar) and water. Which in itself is ok, because we were born to drink water so… somehow I think I should be ok with it too. But it does start to feel a little boring after about 4 months (minus 1 day).

She is pregnant so I asked if here friend was also not drinking. I always think that is very cute. And she said:

‘No, he still drinks, but he does drink way less than he did. Of course I stopped drinking alcohol and that is not a problem, just like you. But I did move the liquor bar from the living room, don’t want to be looking at that every evening. That’s a little too much. 🙂 I still do drink all the black and green teas, the coffee and the sugary things. So that is easier. ‘

Did you read that?! ‘I stopped and it is not a problem, just like you.’ Well, you can actually say that it is a bit of a strange sentence but you get what I mean I guess.

Do I feel a liar? Yes! But most of all I felt tricked out of my secrecy. I have put all this energy in taking care about being secret, teaching myself how to lie about quitting and now nobody recognises that I actually have quit. Well, I guess I have been rather good at not making my drinking other people’s problem by drinking on my own and moderating in public. And now I do not get any recognition for what I do, or do not do. Hahahaha, serves me right. 😀 And then there is still a part of my thinking: why should I get recognition for doing the only right thing?

Well, I guess I am looking for clarity but to make that doable I focus on the path. The (clear and sober) path is the destination. So I will walk it, recognition or not.

And also; she’s right. I don’t have real difficulty with it. Apart from the boring drinks now and the building a new life. I tried eco soda’s; too much sugar for me, it makes me feel bleeeaaagh. So I guess I have to embrace my inner monk and go for the water and herb tea and stop moaning. And on the life part: I am going very slowly but I am still seeing improvements everyday. E.g. my coming of the beta blockers seems to be going very well. It forces me to do at least one hour of outside exercise per day otherwise I feel crap: good!

I guess what is happening now is that I start to be ok with the ‘boring’ part of being sober. NEW! My brains seem to have come to rest a little and not want to run everywhere and hide in activities or get all excited in strong emotions. Having said that: looking at my blogline I see I have an issue with extreme emotions. However, at those times I was totally submerged in them and did not notice something was off, I still felt genuinely me. While looking back I think it was still part of the addiction speaking or at least the addict firing up emotions. I do not feel very good about it but it is interesting somehow, in a scary way. Hope I can stay with the more balanced behavior. Not promising anything though. I notice that promises about sobriety put a lot of pressure on me.

Happy that I quit. Drinking is visibly around much more these days because of the holidays but it appalls me. Guess I trained myself well :-). Specifically the advertisements appal me: advertisements on alcohol promise EXACTLY what alcohol does NOT bring. It is madness to look at them now. Saddening. Sometimes I do get flushed with an urge but I now let these flush and then twist the end of the feeling into nausea that I remember from drinking too much. A sort of physical brainwash. I think it works. We shall see.

I’m really starting to like this ‘one day at the time’ approach. I don’t have to worry about drinking at Christmas because it is not Christmas yet. I do need to take care that there are teas and juices that I like but that’s it. That is preparation, not worry. I hope this might be an entry in my ‘should’ issues and my procrastinating issues.

Lately I also pay good attention to the impression that I get from people who are drinking in bars or restaurants. To me they don’t always look that well. Specifically those that have been drinking too much; there is no beauty in that. I see people stuck in a cage, I see despair, mindlessness, disrespect to themselves and their environment. Might be projecting but I don’t think so. Even people who at the first glance look happy show signs of loosing control and there is something awkward in it.

Yesterday one of my neighbours called, she is addicted to alcohol big time with the vomiting, passing out, making scenes, loosing jobs, loosing friends, not eating. Very sad. I will be taking care of her cat for a while. Before I had already met her boyfriend on the streets who informed me not to go into the pub to talk with her because she was already ‘tipsy’. I told him thanks for telling because I was not drinking myself anymore and therefore do not enjoy being confronted with that because it makes me sad. He agreed :-(.

The boyfriend walked me through the cats feeding scheme but later on the girl-neighbour phoned as well, it’s her cat :-). She was drunk, speaking incoherently, laughing loudly. All nasty, sad. She used to be such a bright, amazing, funny, loving person and now drinking is the only thing she does in her spare time. Well, drinking, it is binging on a daily basis. So I finished the talk as quickly as I could. I could only cry afterwards for her, for myself.

Happy I quit. I am starting to understand the 12th step of AA; at least working with people who are still addicted would show me the strength of alcohol and the damage it does. Don’t want to go there. It is step 12 for a reason, not step 1. 😉

Trying to moderate the beta blockers

New challenge. Since doing my admin still does not ‘work’ I might as well do something that I think/thought I am good at: quitting. First time in my life I will try to do this by moderation. I’m not so good at moderating (haha) but the enclosed paper says that I should take at least 2 weeks of moderation before quitting. Quitting cold turkey may lead to sudden death -> not good. But luckily that counts for people with heartproblems and I think I only have high blood pressure.

My blood pressure has been just within the boundaries of normal for about 2-3 months now so I thought I would quit my beta blockers. I have this whole schedule where I moderate. Yeah, schedule, plan… pffff.

I had 1 pill of 50mg a day. Now I take 2 of 25mg. But it is actually very uncomfortable to live on the halved dose. I hardly slept last night because of the pfffffffrrrrrrr things in my heart, like a butterfly caught in a jar. Which made me anxious and that got me in a funny circle; anxious, heart palpitations (is that the word?) -> more anxious -> more palpitations. And the cat did not like it either, she became anxious too and ran through the house like crazy for at least 2 hours. And only when I calmed down she did.

I rang the pill factory for some advice. They say it takes 4-5 days to get used to a new dose.

I finally did find out that taking deep breaths actually immediately works calming. 🙂 Oxygen is good, calm is good. And now I need to get out in the rain and bike 8 km to a place where I have to do stuff. Let’s say: good, oxygen, movement :-).

I am wondering how much of my lack of anxiety while quitting was covered up by the beta blocker. We shall see. I will go back to my old dose if I think quitting the pills endanger my sobriety. Which would actually mean that these pills, over the years, have become a substitute addiction and that bothers me. 😦 Well, I bother me, that is the issue. Note to self: stop moaning.

If anybody has any info on quitting beta blockers I would be delighted to hear about that.  🙂 Thanks in advance.

Happy that I quit, not happy today with what I do or what or why or whatever. Tired.

NO!!!! The universe. Again!!!

This is a follow-up on yesterdays post on being handed a very UNsuitable vacancy by the universe – that I feel I must pursue because I had actually asked for it. And… my savings won’t last forever :-/.

So here I was, after 2 episodes of Drop Dead Diva AND a switching of my telephone contract to a cheaper version. Good on me 😀 I was finally ready to start with applying for the job.

Now guess who can not find her old CV in her back-ups… I had a computer breakdown a few years ago, worked out that some parts of my hard drive where not back-up correctly. I just found out that these parts included my CV. The only way to retrieve my data is by rewriting them or….. finding a written copy of my files somewhere in the 2m3 of paperwork that I have here.  That is a literal 2m3; as a company you need to save every inch of paper for 7 years at least. So somewhere in those piles that have been staring at me for years… there must be one version of a CV, not? Well, the only way to find out is to look for it.

This is a photo from the internet. But it does portray how I see my admin. 🙂 / 😦

Breathe….. Again…. BREATHE!!!! I MUST FIX THIS ADMIN PANIC SOME DAY IN MY LIFE. I might as well get a go at it now since I have the time. No use in being sober and not doing the living afterwards. I want to whine that I already did the hard stuff and should not have to do another hard thing. Well. I guess I’ll have to do the hard thing AND whine during that. Or I could choose to just do it without the whining and pay attention to the bears on the road and see what they actually look like.

No promises. Don’t get your hopes up. Just trying to see if I can pass for an adult in this field, one of these days.

Ooh, by the way: half an hour after my post of yesterday on the UNsuitabel vacancy, the universe send a friend to mail me a VERY nice and VERY suitable vacancy. It is only halfway across the country and it does not pay enough to actually buy a car for that. Well, no CV, no job. Here I go. I will stand tall and be brave. Possibly for 5 minutes at least.

Joke from the universe…

Ghegheghe, I got kicked in the balls by providence. Last weekend I was in my bathtub being all fed up with life and I wished that for once it would be easy and I would not have to do everything by myself. Yes, I know, I keep on locking people out and not accepting help and then complaining about being lonely. Patterns, patterns, patterns… Well, anyway, I was happily complaining and crying away when I finally admitted that I have a princess dream, not so much about a prince, it went as follows: ‘You know what I wish, I wish somebody would just hand me a job opening to which I would only have to apply.’ I felt silly that I would be wishing from the bottom of my heart for something so simple that anybody with a computer would be able to do it. But I wished it with all my heart. Not knowing that the universe was listening. 😀

Well, MAJOR LIFE TIP: Don’t wish too hard, it might come true…. Or at least make sure you get your wishes right! At least ‘righter’ than I did.

Today a friend called, she had applied for a job at a nice company and then screwed herself over with ruining the negotiations. If I wanted to apply because she really believed the company would suit me. Guess what the job is? Doing basic admin for people who got themselves into trouble by NOT doing their admin…. Whaaaaaahaaaaahaaahaaaaa!!!!!! Eh, aarrrrr.

‘Universe, universe, have you been paying attention the last few years? If I don’t take care I of my own admin I WILL BE be their clientele within a year….  😦 ‘

Well, at least I can say I understand their customers VERY WELL! 😀 Gheghegheghe… Who am I not to follow this opportunity that has put itself on my path? Spit providence right back in the face? Disregard this message from the universe? I, a person who eats oracle books for breakfast? Who aims for clairity and studies up on clairvoicence in order to learn about the clarity of feelings. Who blogs 4 hours a day to search for the truth at the bottom of that worn out muscle I call my heart. Who hopes one day to be fully guided by the hints from the universe to a complete, healthy, happy and usefull life. Ooh, karma, karma. What have you done to me? What have I done to me?

You know, I actually do not even have a face to go with a situation this strange.

Happy that I quit. Not proud of what gets uncovered so now and then but amused with the stupidity of life’s events.

To be continued.

On preaching and singing

What have I been up to? Today I was infected with a preaching streak and I went to singing lesson which was beautiful again.

On the preaching: I had had it with people blowing their own heads off with thinking about drinking or in fact drinking. I could not deal anymore but I had not noticed that. I was concerned and, I should not be lying, I was irritated with the way they ‘fooled themselves and made their sober blog into a platform for addictive thinking along the way’. Yes, arrogant. I know. Sorry 😦 Who am I with my 3,5 months sober to tell others what to do and what not to do or say or write? I don’t know. I just got mad, but in the first reply I did not even know I was mad because my online mad like flame-mad was very tiny in comparison to when I was drinking. It was 1/10th of what I would ‘normally’ feel. That would be ‘drunk normal’.

Years ago I had learned the hard way to recognise an inflammatory preaching mode but I had not had this experience while being sober. So…. Ellie got the full blast. Sorry again :-(. And then I actually repeated it on Empty 12 pack. By that time my cat came to warn me because she could hear by my rattling on the keyboard that I was upset and then she comes to save me. :-). It worked out Empty 12 pack could do with a hiding so pffff…. This is where I got off the hook. More luck than judgment for me.

Preaching, what is it to me? First it is a character trait that pops up easily and I am ashamed of. But the other side of the medal is my ability to teach and I have, with smaller groups, gotten straight A’s for that in questionnaires. So it is part of me, but I do not always apply it correctly. I have put my ‘stop trigger’ on sensing that I apply force. Nudging is ok, students actually appreciate that most of the time, applying force is not good. There is a tiny loophole: applying force is not good….. unless I think I am in the right and other people should be informed for their own good and then, subsequently I think force, specifically from me, is VERY GOOD. Really, the loophole is very tiny. The results are sometimes disastrous. 😦

The hole is in the ‘want to take care’ I guess. Taking care without being asked equals assuming that the other person is stupid and I know it better. I’m walking in circles; problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.  Can anybody tell me, in- or excluding the words ‘arrogance’ and ‘not good’ how and why on the subject of taking care or preaching? I am sorry, I can’t work it out. I guess I preach.

I’m doing other subject here. Can’t work it out. We had singing lesson today. Well, it is not really singing lesson but more ‘free your voice’ with all therapeutically correct assignments and a tiny bit of speaking about the experiences. Today we practised ‘sing your own tune’ but all together in a group. We were scattered over the class room and I always take care to stand as far away as possible. Yes… issues… I know. Again today, but something changed and I wanted to be with the rest, so I actually moved towards the rest of the group and enjoyed that. NEW!!! I know for most of you this is futile. To me it was BIG. 🙂

We continued with an excercise on lamenting. Is that the correct word? Singing with and about sorrow like women from the Middle East do during a funeral. Well, we were not that outspoken or skilled, but everybodies tone and song did carry grief. Imagine that we sit down and ‘lament away’ in a tune that each person makes up in that second. 🙂 That was scary shit. But very good, it is a good group, the group can actually carry this without starting to giggle or feel awkward. Once you let go of the ‘we don’t do that here thank you’ position it worked out to be very special. We all had a few solo lament and it was very powerful, very freeing. Nobody used words but the realisation that the grief could be heard and carried by the group. Very powerful, very connected.

Since I was preaching I might as well brag today too: I sang a solo and it was beautiful. Solo singing is standing in front of the group and singing sounds that pop up or develop in your head at that moment. The teacher then follows and supports with the piano. I guess I sang on the condition humaine but there is also an opposite to that, not sure what it is called, or if it has a name; something like hope, but less single minded. Maybe trust. I mixed them, thinking of my deceased mother, singing for her. And it was a beautiful experience to let that flow, people cried, I cried. Loads and loads of shit going on sobriety. Good stuff. Difficult stuff. Healing stuff. This group of extra-ordinary women can carry so much, very impressive. I felt heard, supported, safe. Happy that I quit.

And then I came home and my yogi tea label said: Awake from the illusion of separateness.

❤ ❤ ❤

The S-word

This post started of with being on the word ‘should’ but since I am still not editing my thoughts is actually went all over the place. Not sure if I should 😀 change that.

I just had a big ‘should’ experience and I want to write this down in my diary and of course also tell you about it. Yes, sorry, in that order, I still can not deal with a reversed order where you would come first.

My brother told me last week that he thinks that I do not like myself and do not believe anybody can like me. He is right. And I want to change it. Not so much for myself I am guessing, well, not yet, but mostly for others because that feeling ignites strange sentences like the above on priorities; I call it a I-will-throw-you-out-before-you-can-throw-me-out approach. And it is ridiculous not to want it for myself and that is not going to work but I am not there yet. And I do not want to venture into these realms because I have a should post to finish.

Pfff, that did not work. Reading the first paragraph again I feel sorry for me that I think that way. So not adequate to deal with , so not adapted to the polite adult world, stuck in this angry teenage behaviour. I don not want to write this down, I do not want to know this about me, I do not want to feel this way. I want it gone and fixed immediately. Now where did I hear that before? Quick fixes of uncomfortable feelings…

Well, this is where I am at. This is where getting clear happens; where it hurts, where it feels awkward, where there is dis-ease, where it feels new, where things are dis-covered. And then there is learning and then there is happiness. 🙂

So back to the beginning, I had this overwhelming experience on the word ‘should’. And not unlike me it was intense and drove me borderline crazy but not unlike me I can actually deal with borderline crazy very well. 🙂 I did not realise that until I just wrote that down. Trust the process and keep breathing. So much I learned these past few months. Not sure that looks good on my CV but it is a start.  Do not put sadness between yourself and a good experience.

Last week my nutritionist friend and I spoke about the word should and I. She said I should try to get that word out of my vocabulary. Well, she did not use the should word, most definitely not. Every since I have been paying a little or a lot of attention to me using this word.

This is what I wrote yesterday: Should, I should, you should, we should. I guess it continues with I should have, you should have, we should have. Does it? Hmmm, hole in my grammar. But that is off topic again. The topic is should. What I should be doing, should have done versus what I am doing. I am doing nothing. Well, I did watch about a season of Drop Dead Diva which is very comforting.

I should have woken up early, should have had milk in the house for pudding, should have had breakfast not behind the screen, should have cuddled the cat straight out of bed and not 10 minutes after, should have cleaned the kitchen straight away, should have dressed immediately after showering, should have done groceries, should have called some people to catch up, should have cleaned up my post from yesterday, should have done all these things and I did non. Why not?

Even thinking about the should issue gives me such a fright that one realisation of how it works or rather: how it does not work, sends me into watching Netflix for days and trying to settle into a feeling that I call ‘good’ before I feel I can do something again. And I don’t do stuff in between. If I happen to do stuff I feel not good about it because I am looking at ALL THAT WORK that is surrounding me and still needs to be done. Work that I have not done, work that I should have done. Totally stuck.

I tried to feel back in time to where this feeling of being paralyzed started.

It has to do with feeling utterly powerless. It is so funny how a person (I!) have different layers in which different feelings or experiences hide. I can be out and about and all in my zone doing stuff and then things change, I might wake up one morning and it feels like I can not accomplish anything.

Today I had this amazing should experience where I suddenly gave in to the pressure of a well, rather pressing experience of a should-do-this-thought and FINALLY did all the things on my should list right in that moment. It was the should list of the moment but shit it was TREMENDOUS! I was going to make some tea. And then there was a pan soaking in the sink so I could not hold the water cooker under the tap to fill it with enough water. So I filled it half and then added some extra cups by hand. And I got sooooooo fed up with the ‘you should empty the sink’ that I FINALLY did something: I followed the should and turned it into doing. Wow!! No, not wow; WHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! What an energy. Cleaned the kitchen within 5 minutes, continued with the bedroom. My thoughts were going crazy, massive stack overload, thoughts running, running, running. Thinking, thinking, thinking. ‘I have difficulty doing stuff based on will, will is useless in me, I can only do stuff based on insights. Will this finally be the turning point in my life where I start to live again? ‘ And: ‘Do not smother the experience in expectations, go with the flow.’ I did. It was overwhelmingly good to finally get this rubbish of should out of my head!

And stopped. And started writing. Not sure how this will develop but I HAVE SENSED THE FREEDOM OF DOING THINGS ON THE SHOULD LIST. Thinking maybe I can learn to start that process again?

I actually think that the nutritionist friend meant to say that I should decide on things: either do or postpone and not keep them continuously active on the should list. Like Yoda:

Happy that I quit. Happy that I have these wonderful insights. I am guessing that is what makes it worthwhile to be me. Hmm, that sounds funny. Well it makes it worthwhile to quit drinking. Highs from learning. I like. 🙂

And sorry for the incoherent long post. I am guessing that one day there will be short coherent posts. But not now, not yet. So be it.