Walking and being alone

Major physical change today: I walked into town. No just-wandered-and-pfff-too-tired-and-my-god-I-wish-I-was-home sort of walked but WALKED at speed. I did not know I have felt so tired and stiff until I found out today that I am suddenly not tired and stiff. No more pain in my ankles and hipjoints, no backpain, no shortness of breath, no sudden pain in the chest, no general feeling of fatigue. My blood was flowing and my body felt happy with the excercise – that’s cool! I walked 9 kilometers and did not even feel that I did it. Wow! 2 Weeks ago I looked up to having to walk 600 meter to a store – I did it, but mostly because I thought I had to health wise. Not sure if this change is due to not taking beta blockers or to taking the salts. Or both. Dunno, it was good. And good because I did administration yesterday and finished with a ‘meal’ of 80 grams of chocolate. And I deserved it! Yeah! ๐Ÿ™‚ Now I feel I deserve more walks :-). That is NEW. No promises. Let’s see.

My breasts (yes that subject again) are hurting here and there and everywhere, the shrinking process caused by the Iodine of the cell salts and the seaweed has really kicked in now. Not sure if I still like this: what about a belly, ass, waist, inner thigh, flabby underarm, double chin shrinking pill? That feels like a way nicer method to from my body to thank me for my good care. ;-).

Nasty message of the day: Mr store man suddenly, after 5 days of in total 20 hours of speaking intimately comes up with a Mrs store man. That hurt, even though I had not allowed my heart to gallope ahead and had not ‘added’ sexual fantasies to my thinking. In fact I was worried that I did not feel that way. However, there was a longing for a place by the fire and then it felt again like I had no right to that.ย  It hurt and I felt jealous and locked out. I suddenly felt very much alone. And that is how it is.

I am happy that I quit. Walked past bars and realised that only half a year ago I would have tried to drown my feelings in a bar. Not a good concept. Now I’m a little tired but happy that I am free of longing again. ๐Ÿ™‚ There is good in that too. It was interesting to take and have the time to see how this seed of connection planted itself and what happened in me next. ๐Ÿ™‚ And back to base. Good. Focus.

I want: things to be easier.

I need: to cry and sleep

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Does the ocean say ‘No’ to half of the waves?

First I was drinking and then I quit and felt my way back into life by following the nice feelings in order ‘to become clear’.

Now I am not drinking, clearing up and very happy about it. But I am still procrastinating and to my idea not dealing very well with negativity. Yes, I have unleashed the weird ๐Ÿ˜‰ here every now and then. And my contact with the Universe and all things ‘coincidentally good’ has improved a 1000 times – but… I feel there is something I am not doing.

So this video popped up out of nowhere:

It is about procrastinating, (me) wanting to fix people and with that not listening to what is, and alcohol (bonus!). If it does not open, try checking it out on YouTube. I had dismissing procrastinating it as ‘bad’ and ‘needs to go away’ but the video made me realise there is an (imagined) purpose to procrastinating. And the energy that came free from accepting that I procrastinate was BIG. ๐Ÿ™‚

Then I realised I follow all the good stuff and get the Universe messages, but in my still developing theory on dis-ease, there is a place for feeling bad as well. My theory starts with: ‘All that is there to be felt is there for a reason and the reason is to guide you (me!) to a good place.’ Which is nice in theory but I am not practising it when it comes to procrastinating. I feel bad about that but don’t act upon that feeling. And realising that developing my intuition, or my higher goal: to get clear – is not only about listening to the nice stuff. And as I lay in my bed, working out how it works that I need to say yes to the dark stuff as well, a friend of mine put this video on Facebook. Surprise! It is on saying yes to the dark stuff as well. Does the ocean say No to half of the waves?

And I am starting to see that if I do not forgive me for having specific difficulty with drinking or procrastinating I will not be able to work on it. And the universe again, started to do its thing and in another 3 steps I stumbled upon a lesson in forgiving :-).

Not sure how it is going to work, but I guess there is a path. And a book I believe? ๐Ÿ™‚

That was the nice part of the morning. Memories brought me back to age 12. Procrastinating and not working makes me feel guilty, specifically because people say things like: You have all these brains and don’t do shit with it. Yes, that would be me. :-/ Anger unleashing: But you know what? My brains are my own and I don’t have to fucking live up to your plan of my life! I am NOT going to be a shrink or a doctor!

Primary school in The Netherlands finishes with a big test at age 12, I believe it takes one or two days. I had prepared myself with getting in the zone, I guess I still prayed then and I really worked my ass off to get all the answers right. I scored 99% in the test which meant that only 1% of the 12 year olds in the country that year scored better. I had no clue of that. I just thought there had been a competition and I had scored high, almost a 10 (A+). So I came home and was very, absolutely proud, yearning to hear that I had done well because nobody at school had dared to say something to me. And my fathers first reaction was: ‘Yes, we always thought you had 1 percent missing.’

And everybody laughed and laughed and laughed and then told me to stop crying because I was being silly, should not be so sensitive and should be happy that I had scored 99%. I FUCKING WAS TILL YOU CAME ALONG!! They continued that they did not want to take this score too seriously because I was always such a serious child trying to live up to expectations. Blablabla, that is an excuse that sucks. Just say that you screwed up because you wanted to be funny more than you cared about my feelings and in hindsight saw that this worked out worse than you hoped. That would be an apology.

3 Years later I finally felt that I did live up to expectations and lost interest in school IMMEDIATELY. I had been best of class for 2 years and in the top 3 for the third year. In the 4th grade, age 15, I dropped out. Lost interest, did not want to live up to expectations that were ‘useless anyway’. Could not deal anymore with the stress at home, people drinking and constantly arguing, constantly nagging. Never a normal, nice, adult way of dealing with stuff. Always shouting and arguing. No peace. Ever. Sitting in the living room being utterly tense and afraid for the next fight. Everybody was arguing except my brother. Everybody got argued with, except my brother. Hmm, I guess I came done on my brother. Gave him the shit I felt. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Sorry, brother.

At one moment I started loosing it, I don’t know what I lost, had something to do with control, I started to intervene. Try to fix them. Draw the attention to me by being disrespectful. I’ve been doing that for years. It is only now, today that I can see that my current developments will probably lead me to see that I did not stand a chance. There is no saving people who keep on drinking. No matter how hard I wanted that and no hard I tried.

They did ‘not even’ ‘drink a lot’. My mother drank home-made wine of 14%, 2 – 2,5 glasses of it which, with the size of the glass meant that she drank almost a bottle of 12% wine a day. But her liver was very bad due to the cancer (or the other ways around) so we would notice her behaviour change halfway the first glass and she would get irritated with everything and look for a fight with anybody except my brother, during the second glass.

At that time my father drank 1 liter of beer a day and sometimes, like once every 2 months binged one evening in the weekend. That would lead to extreme arguing in the house and finally I guess social isolation. A person who has Aspergers is not easy to speak with without the booze. With the booze it is like being run over by a freight train. So I drank with him.

Procrastinating, actually saying ‘things are too big and going to quickly, I can not catch up.’. I thought I might as well do the things that have nothing to do with the other things that go too quickly. Or maybe approach it like I did drinking: learn to see where things feel bad and good and take it from there. Or not so much ‘start do stuff’ but ‘stop not doing stuff’. And change the name because I could not quit when I called myself an alcoholic. There is no hope in that word. It carries darkness. I used to be psychologically addicted to alcohol and now I have quit drinking and am dealing with the consequences of not dealing with life while drinking.

I am happy that I quit. These last 3 days have been showing me my yet undocumented dark sides. I met somebody exactly like me. I felt like this extra terrestrial finally meeting one from the universe here on earth. And then I screwed up by insulting him. It did teach me shitloads. I would not have learned what I did if I had not cared. But shit! I need to get a grip on this anger and power stuff because it is fucking destructive. I want to become clear, not swept of my feet by any minor threat to what? Dunno. Happy that I quit though because otherwise I would not have met ‘the other alien’ (ooh, he is the store guy, he is partially blogged about!). Let’s just say that: I am happy that I quit and I am only responsible for what I do and not for how other people are or react to that.

I want / my intentions are to use all that life force to bash through this issue and get a grip on my ego. But that feels like trying to solve the issue with the same brain that created it. Let’s see what life brings. ๐Ÿ™‚ Forgiveness. And maybe realising that I still am not all-powerful. These two things mix. Haven’t worked it out yet. Aah, because I do not know how to behave differently because people with power issues tend to look up people with power issues. And people without power issues are wise enough to stay away from people with power issues. I have no example. Well, I guess I am back to vigilance. Not on the drink think now but on the ‘power issue’ thing. We shall see.

I need: don’t know. I hope I learn to let go because this pain and resentment seems to keep me stuck in the past. I think this is the first time in 4,5 months that I have used the words ‘letting go’. So maybe it’s about time. But first the power issue, or maybe they are connected.

New category: I am taking: Schuessler cel salts on ‘letting go’, ‘improving sleep’, ‘high blood pressure’, ‘being overly sensitive in the ‘wrong’ way.’, ‘improving bile production’ (no diarrhea anymore and things start to get healthily smelly again ๐Ÿ™‚ – if you cared to know. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ). The salt I am taking on ‘feeling attacked easily’ might influence the path that I am walking now on the power issues.

Whatever. I am done writing. Need to get some air so…. third walk to the store. ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s working

Well, the alarm is working. I started cleaning the house about 15 minutes ago. Alarm was set for my 15 minutes check on me (questions: what emotions do I experience, try to relax, am I following the plan?).

At 15 minutes I had cleaned out the dry laundry in like 4 minutes and when the alarm went of I somehow found myself behind the screen typing. Duh???? I can’t even remember what motivated me to sit down.

So let’s say the technique is working. And uuuuhmmm, it is very smart of me to come up with it. And…. uuhhmmm, it would be good to continue doing STUFF, not blogging or what have you.

Happy that I quit, proud of it. I’m a chick on a mission now! I’m going to DO STUFF.

15 Minutes alarm

Put The Plan out here today. And to remind me and check on me I set my (kitchen) alarm every 15 minutes. Put a sticker on the alarm to say I need to check what/how I feel, relax if I am not relaxed and check if I am following the plan. It’s my variation on the productivity check techniques I learned at business school :-).

The technique is working. I am not following the plan too well yet. I have spend I think 3 hours on The Plan while I actually needed those to do what was in The Plan. Pffffff. I still need 7 minutes of cleaning and 15 minutes of cupboard reorganising or so. AND I have not done any work for my GP3 meeting this Thursday. I did stick to my eating schedule which is good.

Deviations: blog reading and -commenting, Facebook chat, visiting the foundling to see if he had certain features a possible owner spoke off. He did not. Speaking with the new owners. Then speaking with an other neighbour that I handed the next pieces of carrot cake that I got from this domestic goddess man. (don’t tell…). And I had not counted in doing shopping.

What did I learn:

– I can plan a day including the evening but in the evening I want to do unplanned things. Could be the same but planning restricts me. So I’d better work harder during the day. Let’s see…

– I spend a lot of time doing things like blog reading and writing that I had not planned. Need to think about that.

– The more the day proceeds the less relaxed I get because I feel guilty that I have not stuck to my planning. There is another thing with me and work or planning or life: I can never be happy with what I did. It should have been better….

I will see what tomorrow brings. I’m gonna do my online anti-addiction training now and that’s it.

Happy that I quit, but it’s getting normal I guess. Not happy with how I deal with the plan yet but maybe I should give myself some time. I keep on thinking that I can hear you all think: Da fack?! Doesn’t have a job, can’t even plan 15 minutes of cleaning in a day?!! Well, that is where my struggle is. I let myself go for a long long time. Not proud anymore, getting myself down with The Plan. BULL!! I am doing exactly what I should be doing. This IS how it IS!! I can only leave from where I am. I need to remind me not to put the blame on me; this is exactly how strong alcohol is. And, it did get me at my weakest point guess. Well, there is no better time than now. (Or rather tomorrow….;-))

Can’t get started

Trying to do stuff. So far I have only

– written my former post on the dream, while I notice now that I took very little learning from it.

– made and eaten tomato soup, all veggy, no tomato paste or E-numbers anywhere,

– taken a hot bath

– read in my dreamwork book, put it aside

– seen half of yesterday’s Masterchef

– put all my energy in trying to think what I should do while at the same time avoiding the bills that are still laying around. I guess these cost a lot of energy as well. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Let’s go see the other half of Mastercheff!

Walls down

Not proud of myself. Lashing out towards my GP, even if it is sort of anonymous, why? Why do I feel so threatened? It is not a ‘did I feel so threatened yesterday’, well, obviously I did, but I know this feeling. It is a general thing. I need to look into this because addiction happens where things get funny, awkward and painful. Realising that I have not dealt with feelings like this for years, if not my life. Drank them away.

My sobriety is a new thing. Walls have fallen down, I am vulnerable and that is good because I need to without walls to rebuild me. Knowing that I am so breakable is why I choose my moments to leave the house with care and take care of whom I see, speak, mail. I need to take care of myself.

If it were my choice I would not have met the GP, or anybody that I am not close to. It was my choice but I did not want to cancel because that looks so addicty, like drawing away from help.

So much of the walls have fallen and no, I’m not developing some street anxiety, just taking care of myself until I have found some firmer ground. I am not scared that I would start drinking again. I am scared because I have no defence meganism anymore, things hurt. Not walking half-numb through town, everything hits me even harder than it did. The good thing is that it recognisable now and at times it does not stick with me because I continuously notice what’s going on. Or take time afterwards to check back.

While I’m out I constantly have to make choices in what I see: people drinking at a terrace – keep out of system, alcohol advertising – keep out of system, people air kissing each other giving false compliments, no connection – keep out of system, new terrace, people drinking – keep out, man on the pavement drinking – keep out, alcohol advertisement – keep out, favourite bar – keep out, bar where I met love – keep out, kids playing happily – let in, happy dog – let in. wholesome food – let in, other favourite bar – keep out, men arguing – keep out, mother yelling at kids – keep out, terrace peek check who’s having tea – nice, drinks – keep out, kids fighting – keep out, red light district – keep out, baby crying, mother hitting it – keep out, DONโ€™T INTERFERE, NOT NOW, drinks on terrace โ€“ keep out, kids walking with a sixpack of beer โ€“ keep out, alcohol advertisement โ€“ keep out.

I always wonder how other people deal with this. The keeping out of drink think is not the problem, the keeping out of the dirt of the city is.

Need to get this fixed :-D. Well, have been trying to fix this with beer for years. Maybe I should move back to the country side. Maybe if I had not been drinking I would have made that decision while I still had the money to follow up on it. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Ha! Got something: I feel vulnerable at the streets because I think everybody can see that I quit. Hence: I must be an alcoholic. And I feel guilty about having been addicted to alcohol (I’m not denying here, just using past tense to NLP it behind me). But nobody has to know. And most likely: they don’t give a shit. :-).

Happy that I quit again.

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Bought a new juicer, feel shit

Day 8

Bought a new juicer as a ‘little’ present for me being sober. Since the old, old Braun that I bought 20 years ago for 2,50 ‘Euro’ has helped me so well through the first days of sobriety but it wastes quite some juice.

Tried the Philips it this morning. It is shit. It does give more juice but the juice is all dusty. And now I feel like shit. I’ve noticed in my life that I don’t deal with stuff, I don’t ‘repair’ after shit has happened. I just drink, have done for more than halve of my life. So repairing is important in order to not drink.

Why do I carry over the rotten feeling to me. Must have to do with dealing with disappointment. I feel like my nephew who, when 4 years old, cried because there was a worm in his apple. He took it personal. I think that is what I was doing. So much to learn in the sober world.

Or maybe I should get a life. Like right now. Like, instantly! :-/