First I was drinking and then I quit and felt my way back into life by following the nice feelings in order ‘to become clear’.
Now I am not drinking, clearing up and very happy about it. But I am still procrastinating and to my idea not dealing very well with negativity. Yes, I have unleashed the weird 😉 here every now and then. And my contact with the Universe and all things ‘coincidentally good’ has improved a 1000 times – but… I feel there is something I am not doing.
So this video popped up out of nowhere:
It is about procrastinating, (me) wanting to fix people and with that not listening to what is, and alcohol (bonus!). If it does not open, try checking it out on YouTube. I had dismissing procrastinating it as ‘bad’ and ‘needs to go away’ but the video made me realise there is an (imagined) purpose to procrastinating. And the energy that came free from accepting that I procrastinate was BIG. 🙂
Then I realised I follow all the good stuff and get the Universe messages, but in my still developing theory on dis-ease, there is a place for feeling bad as well. My theory starts with: ‘All that is there to be felt is there for a reason and the reason is to guide you (me!) to a good place.’ Which is nice in theory but I am not practising it when it comes to procrastinating. I feel bad about that but don’t act upon that feeling. And realising that developing my intuition, or my higher goal: to get clear – is not only about listening to the nice stuff. And as I lay in my bed, working out how it works that I need to say yes to the dark stuff as well, a friend of mine put this video on Facebook. Surprise! It is on saying yes to the dark stuff as well. Does the ocean say No to half of the waves?
And I am starting to see that if I do not forgive me for having specific difficulty with drinking or procrastinating I will not be able to work on it. And the universe again, started to do its thing and in another 3 steps I stumbled upon a lesson in forgiving :-).
Not sure how it is going to work, but I guess there is a path. And a book I believe? 🙂
That was the nice part of the morning. Memories brought me back to age 12. Procrastinating and not working makes me feel guilty, specifically because people say things like: You have all these brains and don’t do shit with it. Yes, that would be me. Anger unleashing: But you know what? My brains are my own and I don’t have to fucking live up to your plan of my life! I am NOT going to be a shrink or a doctor!
Primary school in The Netherlands finishes with a big test at age 12, I believe it takes one or two days. I had prepared myself with getting in the zone, I guess I still prayed then and I really worked my ass off to get all the answers right. I scored 99% in the test which meant that only 1% of the 12 year olds in the country that year scored better. I had no clue of that. I just thought there had been a competition and I had scored high, almost a 10 (A+). So I came home and was very, absolutely proud, yearning to hear that I had done well because nobody at school had dared to say something to me. And my fathers first reaction was: ‘Yes, we always thought you had 1 percent missing.’
And everybody laughed and laughed and laughed and then told me to stop crying because I was being silly, should not be so sensitive and should be happy that I had scored 99%. I FUCKING WAS TILL YOU CAME ALONG!! They continued that they did not want to take this score too seriously because I was always such a serious child trying to live up to expectations. Blablabla, that is an excuse that sucks. Just say that you screwed up because you wanted to be funny more than you cared about my feelings and in hindsight saw that this worked out worse than you hoped. That would be an apology.
3 Years later I finally felt that I did live up to expectations and lost interest in school IMMEDIATELY. I had been best of class for 2 years and in the top 3 for the third year. In the 4th grade, age 15, I dropped out. Lost interest, did not want to live up to expectations that were ‘useless anyway’. Could not deal anymore with the stress at home, people drinking and constantly arguing, constantly nagging. Never a normal, nice, adult way of dealing with stuff. Always shouting and arguing. No peace. Ever. Sitting in the living room being utterly tense and afraid for the next fight. Everybody was arguing except my brother. Everybody got argued with, except my brother. Hmm, I guess I came done on my brother. Gave him the shit I felt. 😦 Sorry, brother.
At one moment I started loosing it, I don’t know what I lost, had something to do with control, I started to intervene. Try to fix them. Draw the attention to me by being disrespectful. I’ve been doing that for years. It is only now, today that I can see that my current developments will probably lead me to see that I did not stand a chance. There is no saving people who keep on drinking. No matter how hard I wanted that and no hard I tried.
They did ‘not even’ ‘drink a lot’. My mother drank home-made wine of 14%, 2 – 2,5 glasses of it which, with the size of the glass meant that she drank almost a bottle of 12% wine a day. But her liver was very bad due to the cancer (or the other ways around) so we would notice her behaviour change halfway the first glass and she would get irritated with everything and look for a fight with anybody except my brother, during the second glass.
At that time my father drank 1 liter of beer a day and sometimes, like once every 2 months binged one evening in the weekend. That would lead to extreme arguing in the house and finally I guess social isolation. A person who has Aspergers is not easy to speak with without the booze. With the booze it is like being run over by a freight train. So I drank with him.
Procrastinating, actually saying ‘things are too big and going to quickly, I can not catch up.’. I thought I might as well do the things that have nothing to do with the other things that go too quickly. Or maybe approach it like I did drinking: learn to see where things feel bad and good and take it from there. Or not so much ‘start do stuff’ but ‘stop not doing stuff’. And change the name because I could not quit when I called myself an alcoholic. There is no hope in that word. It carries darkness. I used to be psychologically addicted to alcohol and now I have quit drinking and am dealing with the consequences of not dealing with life while drinking.
I am happy that I quit. These last 3 days have been showing me my yet undocumented dark sides. I met somebody exactly like me. I felt like this extra terrestrial finally meeting one from the universe here on earth. And then I screwed up by insulting him. It did teach me shitloads. I would not have learned what I did if I had not cared. But shit! I need to get a grip on this anger and power stuff because it is fucking destructive. I want to become clear, not swept of my feet by any minor threat to what? Dunno. Happy that I quit though because otherwise I would not have met ‘the other alien’ (ooh, he is the store guy, he is partially blogged about!). Let’s just say that: I am happy that I quit and I am only responsible for what I do and not for how other people are or react to that.
I want / my intentions are to use all that life force to bash through this issue and get a grip on my ego. But that feels like trying to solve the issue with the same brain that created it. Let’s see what life brings. 🙂 Forgiveness. And maybe realising that I still am not all-powerful. These two things mix. Haven’t worked it out yet. Aah, because I do not know how to behave differently because people with power issues tend to look up people with power issues. And people without power issues are wise enough to stay away from people with power issues. I have no example. Well, I guess I am back to vigilance. Not on the drink think now but on the ‘power issue’ thing. We shall see.
I need: don’t know. I hope I learn to let go because this pain and resentment seems to keep me stuck in the past. I think this is the first time in 4,5 months that I have used the words ‘letting go’. So maybe it’s about time. But first the power issue, or maybe they are connected.
New category: I am taking: Schuessler cel salts on ‘letting go’, ‘improving sleep’, ‘high blood pressure’, ‘being overly sensitive in the ‘wrong’ way.’, ‘improving bile production’ (no diarrhea anymore and things start to get healthily smelly again 🙂 – if you cared to know. 😉 ). The salt I am taking on ‘feeling attacked easily’ might influence the path that I am walking now on the power issues.
Whatever. I am done writing. Need to get some air so…. third walk to the store. 🙂