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Hi all,

It has been a while. Lots of things have happened but I am sober and I guess I am happy about that.

In short since the last time:
– I started seeing a therapist, he fucked me over with his own issues about my eating, he said sorry later so that is ok-ish
– I visited a dental care lady who, after promising to NOT give me fluoride, did give me fluoride without my knowledge or consent which led to another fluoride poisoning which lasted about 3 weeks. The whole episode send me into a psychosis.
– I was depressed, at one night thought: “I wish my cat was dead so I could leave too.” Next day the cat stopped eating and did not eat for 3-4 weeks after. I finally went to the vet, she often does not improve from going to the vet because it scares her so badly. I spoke with the vet, he hugged me <3, I felt better, cat started eating again. 🙂
– Meno pause started
– Father of the hugg buddy got shot down in an honour related issue concerning the hugg buddy. Hugg buddy had to return home to take care of his parents. It was expected that he would be killed. He did not but it is not safe there. Then was forced by his parents to start another marriage. He moved to another country to make a safe living for him and his parents.
– Cat got ill again.
– I developed a bad case of erysipelas on my lower legg which kept me on bed for 3 weeks.
– My father developed pneumonia in the morning and ‘low and behold’ died in the afternoon because they gave him a lot of morfine. I could not say goodbye because I could not be up for so long.
– My fever came back after I biked to the psych. Covid and lockdown set in the day before his cremation so I could not visit nor say goodbye.
– Depression and psychosis threat (not psychosis) got worse.
– I found a lump in my breast. I decided to take my life the weekend before the operation but my SIL came back to my house because upon arrival at hers she found my brother had a cough and needed to be tested. If she would have stayed she would not be able to support me to the operation so she came back to my house. So I already live in extra time.
– My left breast was amputated. I had written a few pointers for the staff how te help me stay out of psychosis and how to help me if I get there. That gave me enough space to breathe and not run into trouble.
– However I can’t do the neccessary radiation therapy because it triggers psychosis. Won’t do the suggested hormone therapy because it helps like 4 procent in 10 years or so and it has side effect ‘depression’. Depression will kill me sooner than anything else.
– Hugg buddy flew over to hugg <3, which was very intense with my new body. Both sad and joyfull. Funny enough I quite like my new body because it somehow fits how I see myself: half boy half girl but it is, well, very emotional to be intimite with a body which has become different. I refuse to feel ashamed, damaged or broken or feel pitty for myself. I can allow myself to be sad, I feel loss, but not shame or pitty. Strangely, I also feel like I am 8-9 years old on my left side because that is when I did not have boobs. And that was an energetic time, and a time where the boobs did not cause trouble. That is there, I leave it there, I focus on the life energy of the 9 year old and rejoice in that. ❤

I decided if I don’t have too many years left, I might as well make the best of it and live on my terms. I try to approach depression as an addiction: whatever makes me depressed now or in the future needs to be changed.

It is AMAZING how much time I have left now I don’t allow depression into my life. I do a lot of cleaning of the house. Chucking out mess, selling stuff, giving stuff away, entered my street in a cleaning competition. My life is in a mode of cleaning out stuff. Hope my body catches on.

I do intermittend fasting (eating from 10:00 to 18:00 only) in order to get my bloodsugar levels down. Cancer feeds on sugar. I plan to do periodical fasting (eating 500 Kcal a day for 2 * 1 day per week) in order to lower the risk on the breastcancer repeating but I’m not there yet. Chocolate is still an issue while sugar is feeding the cancer cells which were left. Not good but I’m not in the place to make a change yet either.

I am sort of happy that I quit. But in an obliged way. I still am in a sort of “Please take this cup away from me.” mode because it is much. And the only thing I can do is sit with it. Let all the monsters inside run and make sure I do not get swept up by them. And haha, distraction, living, doing things. 🙂 That is about the best solution for anything. 😉 Wish someone would have told me…. 😀

I am happy-ish that I quit. Feeling the weight of taking responsibility for my own mental state currently. Time to go to bed. 🙂

Hope you are doing all ok, I have not caught up with you. Will do so in the coming months. 🙂

OMG, new layout of WP, where did they put the spell check now?! Ok, sorry, no spell check.

xx, Feeling

9 thoughts on “Back

  1. I am so happy to hear from you. I had missed you.
    I thought I had gone through tough times, but your story is worse. I also almost killed myself. Maybe middle age tricks us into thinking life is over.
    I am so glad you lived.
    I’m so sorry about the breast cancer.
    Please keep us up to date on things.
    Your friend
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  2. So glad you wrote, Feeling! Sending you love and light and insights and creativity. I love your decision to just not let the depression, and its causes, have a place in life. I’ve had a similar thought, along the lines of “you’re 53, when exactly do you think you’re going to just let go of the difficult thoughts and just live smoothly…. if not today? like, when you’re 83 instead?” We know it’s indeed possible to walk out of a depressive state and make a decision not to believe the thoughts (a la Byron Katie) (although I’ve had enough experience with a stuck/embedded depression to know how awful it can sound to another’s ears to just drop it and walk away … so, not meaning that it’s necessarily possible/easy). I’m sorry about the struggles of your past months and wishing you and your kitty good health and peace. XXOO Adrian

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Feeling I am so sorry to hear about your dad and now about your own illness. My thoughts and prayers are with you ❤️♥️❤️♥️🙏🙏🙏

    Like

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