And another boring post

Back pain improved by computering standing. Good. 🙂 Trying to keep my tummy in all the time and tuck my tailbone under. It made me go to bed earlier too because I was tired. I do have a tiny sort of tennis arm because the new table is very cold and I had not adjusted the height correctly. Still learning to take care of myself in tiny things.

Went to the GP3 today to check up on my blood pressure. It came out 150 on the high scale, did not read the low scale. That is funny because I don’t feel it is that high. I can / could predict the readings of the machine within a range of 5 points up and down. I think I am on 130-135 so 140 should be max. The pain in my tennis arm suddenly spiked due to the pressure of the band, I guess that is what caused the high blood pressure. Well, anything, even temporary high blood pressure beats beta blockers so I’ll just continue with what I am doing; moving more, more outside time, Schuessler cell salts and we’ll see next week. Whatever, another boring post. Need to log this for I don’t know what reason. Can’t only log the good things eh? 🙂

The ‘pull’ from the store man is slowing down on one side and I am really training myself to NOT check out Facebook on what he wrote in other people their timelines because that feels not good. I never liked that option, it feels like stalking. Not good.

Had a difficult time working through Hexagram 38 of the I-Tjing what seems to be my karma-life-whatever issue. The name of the hexagram is Duality. Funny enough that would fit the ‘all or nothing’ approach I have had all my life. And the dream I had about having given birth to myself. Searching through the corners of the interweb I found that people who are born into this hexagram are: seers and have a special ability to well, see things differently. Good. Gonna pay my tax bills now and set up my new blog.

Ha, I get into this  ‘whatever!’ (in the way teenagers can calling that out) mode when standing and blogging. Somehow standing is a mode of action, not a mode of thinking and contemplating. Funny. And that is the ‘I don’t give a shit’ type of funny. Ha, I’m getting all shallow with standing. See what that brings.

Happy that I quit. Frustrated over the store man. Scared about money getting tight.

I want: it to be all over and easy where I am fantastic, can not be hurt and life is simple, comfortable and nice.

I need: to take care of me because that mode described at ‘I want’ is not good. It is a dangerous one. It is about ease instead of truth and laying down instead of searching. And it is not something I currently have ‘deserved’ because it has been difficult. It is about wanting to go off the path because there is something to be learned that does not want to be learned. Let’s see what the future brings. 🙂

I take: some salts on kidney stuff. And good food. It’s amazing, can’t even shop for nasty stuff with E-numbers anymore. Something in me dislikes it even though I am trying to want it. It is all funny because there is this voice calling ‘Boooooring…’ inside. (yes, again, in the way a teenager does that) It is not a nice voice, not the one to follow. It feels like my biological process is trying to force me to be irresponsible toward my sobriety and contact the store man. Well, he still has a book that I borrowed him. An expensive one that I don’t want to be parted with forever. But that is a difficult one on Bion so that will take him at least a months I guess, if he started right now. 🙂 No matter. God I am worming, crawling and clawing myself out of this straightjacket that says: ‘he is not good for you now – maybe later.’ Jeeeez!

Hmm, I might as well go do something.

From standing still to rollercoast

And another one of those posts where I feel my way into stuff and end up visiting a lot of places. Not specifically a nice read before breakfast. Sadness and anger ahead. :-/

Standing still today. Guess I am still hiding from the unfinished admin. That’s when the hiding comes back.

Hiding looks like being on the internet all day, getting cold feet because I don’t take care to put my socks on, messy kitchen, bad eating habits, longing for connections but disliking direct contact with people. Not wanting to think about what I need to do is one of them. Not wanting to feel. Actually, it is all the things I did before but without the booze.

Am I happy that I quit? Yeah, happy that I quit. Do I think it is a little boring not to be either high on emotions or very low? Yes. Is that useful? No. Does that make me want to take risks I should not. Yes. Thinking of calling the elderly blond god tomorrow. That in itself is ok, but the reason to call him is not. It should be because I would like us to be in contact. But I notice that my intention is trying to find salvation through hooking up. Not good.

And I’ve got this beautiful book by Veronica Valli and I am not reading it. I want things to be simple. But when they are I get bored. How many times have I written variations on this theme? Stress addiction. Or addicted to intensity.

I SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE 1 MAJOR INSIGHT A DAY!!! OTHERWISE THIS WHOLE QUITTING BUSINESS IS USELESS! MIGHT AS WELL DRINK, DID NOT HAVE INSIGHTS THEN EITHER!!.

Hmmm. I am angry. Hence the strange stillness inside. I feel like I am not moving on. Not getting the reward ‘I am entitled to’. Still a reward issue. I need to look that up. And then I don’t. And NO, I don’t want to go down a road of berating myself. Been there, done that, does not work. So. Why have I not looked stuff up. Because I don’t want to organise myself because that takes skills that I fear I don’t have and then I will feel bad. If I don’t try I can always stay in the illusion that I actually can do things. There is freedom in not doing stuff, all exits are still open.

Feeling further: I am scared to be defined, to get shape. Ever since I got shape I got in serious trouble. Groping hands and men trying to define me, trying to tell me how to be, not only my father, loads of them. Even in the Western world there is this idea that women are not supposed to be free. Subservient, that is the idea. That is how we grow up. That is why my father forced my mother into sex, day in day out. God this makes me angry. And scared. And sad. Don’t know how to deal, want to get away from it. It doesn’t feel nice. Don’t need nice, normal would do. I keep on trying to think that I don’t have to fight their fights but it all gets mixed up. Well, I’ve got my own share to fix.

My emotional responses are still based on things that happened long time ago. Well, doesn’t feel that way, it feels like yesterday. I am scared to be defined, to get shape. When I get shape I will be seen. When I get seen I will be harassed, raped or beaten. And there is nobody that helps and no place for comfort. Powerlessness and loneliness. I guess I feel that the environment l live in has not changed. I have not changed. My expectations have not changed.

The addict thinks he/she can control his/her world. I certainly know that I have the need to control my world if this is my experience and expectation of it. Would that be addictive thinking? Aah. Fuck it! Off to bed. The endlessness of trouble, this thread of continuous missery, la condition humaine, it is overwhelming sometimes.

Do not worry about what is not here now. That would be a good one. That is clarity too. Getting rid of the fog. Would that work? ‘Do not pay attention to your traumas because the situation is not here.’ Nope. That’s the thing with traumas, they keep repeating itself in every situation until I deal.

But how can I fight the world?!

You don’t have to fight the world because the world is not here. In fact, you can, say do your admin without ever seeing anybody. If that is what you like.

I don’t like nothing of this. I’m off to bed.

Substitute addiction / time to get a move on

It’s my 2 months sober anniversary! 🙂 And after reading Belle’s post this morning I remembered why I never signed up for a 100 challenge day; I thought I needed to get sober for forever. Yes, ‘looking for help’ was not in my dictionary. But I am going to ask help. If all is well I am meeting somebody next Tuesday – not a professional –  that I hope is going to help me with my eating pattern and daily life.

I do cheat a little on the trusting ‘not a professional’ because she is a vicars wife and she wants to be a professional in her specialisation and I am the guinea pig. 🙂 But I hope she can help me get on with the practical part of life because I still rather read blogs and blog but that will not bring bread to the table….

So… Reading blogs this morning (while I should actually be doing admin) I came to the post from Greg W who reblogged a post about substitute addiction from which I copied this part:

He writes that the addict in recovery “may maintain potentially magical thinking that the Higher Power will fix him or her without engaging in corrective action…and may try to use rituals of connection to a Higher Power as means to escape from painful feelings.”

Some of you might know that I am not religious but I do really like the spiritual-like insights and experiences that I have ever so now and then. I do not only like the Ahaa Erlebnis but also the relatively easy way it gets me to understand stuff. And even though I sometimes have to dig deep and face a lot of shit, it feels like I don’t really have to work for it. Which is I guess, true-ish. For me it is easier to feel my way through stuff and blog about it then, I don’t know… how do you solve issues? I actually don’t know what the other option is. Well maybe this explains it: it is easier for me to ride a craving and experience what it is trying to tell me, where it comes from and where it wants to take me than actually fighting it.

I know I can’t do the fighting. I would be afraid that I would lose I guess. Alcohol is strong. Do I lack willpower? Yes! No! Don’t know… My willpower has just been trained to say ‘I want to drink!’ And that statement feels very willpowery and convincing and real and true. I only realise that my willpower is fooling me when I get to the last check which is: ‘Does is make me drink?’ Yes -> not good, beware. Can I fight it? I don’t think so. And I do not want to try to fight it because I think I will lose. That scares me. Addiction runs deep.

So I need to find something that does work from my sober tool box. Most of the time that is bringing my thoughts, fears, feelings to the light. Which is ok. It has worked so far. Happy that I quit. But I’ve had so many beautiful insights in my addiction that by now I feel that if I don’t get enlightened at least once a day that I am not really alive. New addiction? Yes, it feels like it because I feel I have become dependent on it. And also no because it has transformational qualities in it. True addictions don’t do transformations do they? It feels like those experiences change my mindset, my cells, my DNA, my view on life and I need that.

To which my inner voice says: ‘Stop shitting yourself, you are addicted to life changing experience, you get bored if you do not experience stuff. And when you get bored your addict starts to speak up and you get to the danger zone. In alcohol you found freedom of the physical boundaries and you forgot what you call ‘the misery that binds you to the earth’. You now crave the explosion of inner freedom that is in the Ahaa experiences.’

😦 True. Or 🙂 True!!! So what now? So that is a wonderful insight and because I am experiencing this totally happy feeling about this conversations with me I can not imagine why I need to do anything about it. 😀 Gheghegheghe.

And I wrote the below paragraphs before I got the above conversation with myself, now I just can’t see what I was worried about. I actually am high on experience. Wicked! 😀 While 10 Minutes ago that I was worried and probably should be but I can’t feel it now:

Happy that I quit, not happy with that I am not doing the stuff I need to do. Yesterday I had such a big insight in how I face things that the insight itself gave me a splitting headache and I went back to bed and slept for hours. And I was doing exactly NOT what I should be doing. Which is the same I do now. Again and again and again and again. There is another part where I do not want to be clear. Hiding behind stuff, blog.

Enough thinking, here’s an anniversary song. For all of you that are out there and that are, or ar not on the happy train. Join in, sing along. 🙂

Now that I am reading back what I wrote I realise the intention of not doing stuff and berating me about it. I always seem to need something to keep myself down. (I am thinking ‘attached to the world’?) God forbid I should be genuinely happy and content with myself. Can’t have that now can we?

Yes, we can!! 😀

Say who was not doing what she needed to do???

Still reading

Today I’ve spent reading and checking out running techniques on YouTube. Loooooove YouTube. So much info ready at hand. Fan of my laptop clogged up with dust? YouTube tells me how to unscrew everything and fix it. Want to know how to cook something? YouTube. Want to know about nutrients? YouTube. And you can also find loads of video’s there stating that drinking alcohol is not at all bad. 😦

I am still with the book Addictive Thinking. After my first clash with the book I continued when I thought my mind was open again. And I am almost finished but up to now I find it a little disappointing. It is more of a list of aspects of addictive thinking, a useful list, yes, but I was hoping for more Aha Erlebnis / Aha effect. And of course I am hoping for extra special effects because I want things to be fantastic and normal is not good enough – which is of course listed as being an aspect of addictive thinking. 🙂

What I appreciate, and what makes me breathe a little easier (did I say I had this open mind?) is where he says: people who practise addictive thinking do not know that they do and it is of no use to pressure them into admitting things. That will only make them strengthen their walls. I agree with that from my own experience. I think GP1 saved me by saying: ‘Whatever you want and when you want it.’ That gave me the  possibility to drop my walls at that moment.

My plan for the on-coming week is to follow The Plan in detail, to be exact and concise about it. No lingering, no ‘I’ll do that tonight.’ Order memory repair nutrients and thyroid and bile nutrients. And that’s it. I am trying to stop thinking that repair needs to come from the outside – very addicty conviction. Nutrients are good, but how can I insist on these if all my blood tests come out ok? I am trying to let go, but it is difficult because I also thought I have saved my health all these years by taking supplements. I don’t know. I’m not going to risk my sobriety over a few vitamin B-complex and Omega 3 pills but maybe I don’t need the full 2000 Euro deal ;-). Don’t have the money for that anyhow.

I also want to get back to loosing weight because due to the 4 meals a day to get my blood sugar level stable I have gained a kilo. Halfway through the week I’ll be going on a little trip with a friend, biking and walking in the homeland. Actually fearing a lack of private time. Should manage that.

All in all a boringly normal Sunday. 🙂 Happy that I quit. Through the blogosphere I was made aware of this article that says it all on being happy that I quit. She says; don’t give up drinking. And I agree. Be happy that you quit! I am happy that I quit. Slowly becoming aware that there still is a shitload of work to be done. But not now. Now it is autumn salad time: raw beet, carrot, apple, orange, celery, loads of parsley, chopped walnuts and grated fresh ginger. 🙂

Addicted to deep experience

Yesterday I felt normal. Today I think I am bored. I had forgotten about this thing, to me it feels like an addiction thing where boredom and being normal is absolutely unbearable.

I am not bored. No I am not bored, I am stalling so thoroughly that I close myself up for every feeling just to make sure that guilt does not enter my premises. There are things I need to do, like The Plan and extra stuff. I know (?) that The Plan is The Step to the Next Level. Hmmm, thinking error: it should not be Next Level, it should be organic, all around, carried from within, not walking stairs in nothingness to a Next Level. So this implies that I am waiting for The Next Level to happen while actually it is not about the next level, it is about the transformation I undergo while doing The Work of following The Plan.

So today I am stalling because there are things I need to do that I do not want to do AND I certainly don’t want to feel how bad I feel about that.

Just did an exercise in feeling how it would be to not have that feeling of guilt lurking at my doors. There’s a hint: walls disappear and I tumble forward into nothingness. Down the rabbit hole into timeless nothingness. No direction. It is like floating on my own through the Universe, without the stars and planets. It is that feeling where you are in nature and look at a starry sky and the moon. This overwhelmingly big awareness of being. Where you realise the magnificence of it all and feel both intense loneliness and intensely connected.

And now internalize the feeling of connectedness, do not direct it at the universe or a higher power, keep it within and around you. Keep breathing.

Take out the stars and the moon, the earth and everything and everybody on it but stay with the feeling that was within and around. And breathe…..

So that’s where I go if I don’t put up walls of dislike and apprehension. I think I’d better sit with it. Watch the grass grow. Otherwise I keep on running and hindering myself by throwing up unnecessary walls.

Time to do stuff.

Free course in procrastinating

I’m bored, but I’m guessing it is something else I don’t want to go into. Thinking I lost structure now I don’t have ‘a book’. I do have ‘a book’, but I don’t like it, and the next books are still sailing around the ocean.

The mess in the house and the bank account are looking back at me and saying: time for reality. They use this really high, luring voices. But just not luring enough I am guessing. Ooh shit, it’s evening already; time to relax. Anybody wants a course in procrastinating?

 

‘How is addiction still influencing your life currently?’

WELL…… Let’s say, it is a process…

Using recovery to ‘not live’

I thought I was going to be perfect (yes perfect, not ‘just’ normal) if I stopped drinking. Works out some traits are rather stubborn, like procrastinating. Bleah!!! There is this taste of nothingness in my mouth, like my senses are bored. I guess I am because I did nothing AND still haven’t worked out my dream of last night. Apart from it probably being wysywyg, like, nothing more than a show of how I do stuff, how I react, respond in normal life when there is mayhem. So I’m gonna give it another try. They say reading a dream is a real art… It could be, I don’t know, and I don’t pretend to practise it, I just take from a dream what it tells me.

Dreamed that I got in the old Volvo of my parents, leaving for an appointment in Belgium where I absolutely did not want to go.

I have a business connection in Belgium and indeed I do not want to go there now. I have started this new business in consumer goods a few years ago. Blew a lot of money on it and, as I know by now, it is hard to be successful when drinking like a fish. So this could be the meaning of Belgium. There is another story to Belgium. Our family went on a family visit in Belgium when I was about 3-4 years old. My brother and I slept in a caravan way back in the garden. One night we woke up seeing (it was summer and light) a gloved hand feel along the edges of a window and seconds later somebody tried to open the door. God that was frightening. I screamed my head off. Parent searched the woods, nothing was found. There’s another nasty story attached to Belgium, one that really, really makes me not wanting to go there. Not sure what Belgium means, not sure if I want it to become clear.

The car was stuffed with dirt, rubbish, empty cups and all.

That is very strange, my parents would never leave a car like that. It might refer to my idea of my life or maybe how I feel about my parents setting me up for my life. I do blame them for not taking their responsibilities. What do I gain by that? I use it as an excuse to be easy on myself. It has nothing to do with compassion towards me. So, point 1 to work on.

And it was weird; the steering gear and the break etc were at the passenger side where I was.

I have concluded that the car is my life and hahahaha, I am in the passengers seat. How typical. That’s about true on how I have taken up the responsibilities of my life. And then life magically ‘tricked me’ and made me responsible by actually giving me a wheel and all the rest. Point 2 on the list.

And suddenly the car started driving by itself, backwards.

That’s what happens if you don’t take life into your own hands; life happens. We have this saying and it translates into: Standing still is going backwards. It is very possible that my dream brain actually works sayings like this into a dream. It has done so before. It IS how I feel about the years that I drank. Eh…. That will be about 30 of the 44… How to deal with that? How to deal with the thought that I have thrown a good deal of my life away? Some days I feel really guilty. Towards whom? Towards people that care about me and that I have lied to about ‘not feeling well’. Towards the Universe because we are all supposed to do (SPECIAL!!!) things with our lives. Toward myself, the potential and the years that I threw away. And sometimes I am just happy that I quit and see how everything I am, everything that happened, everything I did has brought me to the point where I got addicted but also quit. Several issues for the list.

It was very foggy outside and the windows were fogged up so I could not see anything apart from 2 small windows next to the mirrors.

Foggy outside… Not sure how that translates. The fog can refer to my newly found insight that this whole Western world is a world of addiction to alcohol. It is everywhere, it is amazing! I used to see that there was something wrong when I was say 11. My uncle would visit and drink 8 glasses in an afternoon and still drive home. I’ld go like: ‘If you kill one of my friends I never want to see you again!’ This of course was hushed down by my parents and laughed at by my uncle. Cause that’s how all the hooked people roll; in fog. Missed my calling, should be preaching. 😀

Trap 37: taking this extreme stance against alcohol is a good thing but I should not use it as an easy way to go through the middle of the emotional scale where the knowledge is. I should keep the firmness but loose the rigidity. Trap 38: don’t preach, it is just not elegant.

But mostly I feel that the fog explains my current status because even though I don’t drink, I still don’t feel that I have my brainpowers back. I am guessing that is because I have isolated myself and I am not using my brain very much, apart from studying how to quit and stay quit.

Actually I am doing exactly what I should not be doing and covering that up with ‘Oooooh, I am recovering, this needs time because it is the most important thing I can do in my life.’ Yes it is, but I’m using recovery to do exactly what I did before: not living.

Starting to think that I have difficulty asking for help. 😀 Would that be pride of not wanting to ask? Or the idea that it would be humiliating to ask for help? Or just a skill that I have never been taught because nobody I know does asks for help. Arrogance to think that I can solve everything myself? Yep said miss: I do everything better because I am special, don’t need help. Sigh.

My head is still sort of foggy but my hands actually stopped shaking after 6 days or so, but the ‘A4 paper test’ still shows a tiny little bit of shaking. I am surprised because I expected it to take weeks. My hands are still coloured red though. Studying online now to find a diet that cleanses the liver and reduces oestrogen levels so the redness will go away faster.

About the 2 small windows that were clear: I can actually remember ‘just making that up’ in the dream otherwise, otherwise, otherwise I would have been confronted with my helplessness. Ghegheghe, the power of the addiction even forcing my dreams. I am actually proud that I did that, which I guess is not according to that book that I don’t have.

Why would I be proud of this while I know it is another sign of how much my fear of being powerless has grown into my intentions and actions? Because I specifically like the part of me that can do this kind of stuff. It makes me feel special (gosh!). It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel like wearing beautiful underwear; nobody has a clue but I know it’s there. So a thing to differentiate me from the rest of the world, an identity thing, secret, a bit strange (never normal, god forbid), a thing to make me secretly feel better than the rest of the world. The rest of the world, not my brother, not my friend, not my ex-class mates, no the rest of the world. What would I do if I met someone that could do something ‘more special’? I would be jealous. Ha! Now I know why I am hardly ever jealous, that would make me admit that somebody else has something better. Ghegheghe. Sigh and double sigh.

There are quite a few anti-social aspects to me, analysing all of this and noting down these findings as inelegant as they are is one of them. However I pride myself that I can and I do think that I am honest with myself. Do you? I am curious where other people see where I am lying to myself or the addict is talking while I don’t know it. Ha! And I’m not going to the AA because they might actually tell me and get me of my high horse… Grrrrrr, building my own cage over and over again.

I am pretty convinced that ‘everybody’ has these tiny and big character issues. I try not to be ashamed about it, that will twist my logic and feelings. Shame, guilt and ethics never lead to good results when trying to find stuff out, which is my reasoning. The other part of the reason is that I want people to feel uncomfortable with my what I pride myself with is my honest self evaluation. Want to shame people with lying their daily polite lies to me, tricksy little hobbitses.

And…..I’ve had enough of me for today. Guess you didn’t even get to this sentence. I prefer a bit of Masterchef right now.