Cake with cognac

Just got home from work. Not sure how I feel. My boss had been getting at me the whole morning and that was tough. I try to keep on thinking ‘how somebody behaves and what they do is their business, not mine. But it was difficult. Others told me she was pissed off with me for taking yesterday off. I told her it was about my mothers dying day anniversary. She had forgotten to note it down so when she arrived at work she was surprised that I was not present. Strange because they day before I has specifically told a colleague that I had the day off and she was standing next to me so, well, beats me.

Just before I left she came carrying a piece of cake sort of telling me to eat it ‘Have some cake! Have some cake! Here, come sit with me!’ I sort of joked something about E-numbers; trying to not have to eat the cake. “No, no, no E-numbers.” I had no clue what it was about. I thought she wanted to speak about stuff so I sat down. She kept on rambling and looking at me conspicuously while I ate the cake. I kept on thinking: something is very wrong but I can’t find what. There is something with the cake but I can’t well, I guess I thought ‘read it in the air’ because that is what I do if I don’t know stuff. But that is another subject. She kept on pushing the cake:  “Nice cake, not? Very nice cake.” I agreed. She kept on pushing;  “I specifically like the bottom. I specifically like the bottom” “Yeah, baked well.” I was wondering what it was all about until I got the last bite: “Does contain alcohol though. Did you not notice?” “No, I did not. Must have baked out.” I did not show any fright or concern, I already felt that she was trying to poison me, just did not know how yet. That I could not read in the air.

I went home, threw up. Cried. Started writing. Fucking bitch. She knows I do not take in any alcohol. I told her what I tell others: it makes me depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.

Obviously the alcohol baked out mostly. The cake was baked by a colleague, the crust was really thin and prebaked. He put it in his dough which is shortbread, you can’t really put a lot of alcohol in there and still keep it as short and crisp as it was so I guess quantity wise I am ‘safe’. I do feel like I overdosed on sugar. My mind is angry, looking for trouble. I am sad, feel like she wants to humiliate me, feeling the pain of that. I want to trash things, break things, kill myself just to get out of this world and this situation. But other than than I am fine. Which in itself is a funny sentence I guess.

She is a sadist and likes torturing women especially.

I find it difficult to leave because I can not seem to get my life in order to be able to do so. That must change. What would a woman who loves herself do? First I will allow myself to cry over this, no matter how hard most people say I should not let it get to me. It does get to me and I find it difficult that somebody can want to be so mean to me. What the fuck did I do to her? I always think that she feels threatened by my vulnerability. I am an open book. I can not lie very well. The looks of contempt she give me are difficult to deal with. 😦 I find it very difficult now. Cunt.

Well, sorry for my French. This is how it is today. 🙂 I’m going to read he comments on my 2 year sober post from yesterday now. Ghegheghe… I am so VERY VERY VERY happy this ‘incident’ did not happen 2 days ago. I think I would have been a whole lot more upset then. Now I somehow have the ‘I have 2 years booze free’ medal in my heart and mind. Which is good. I am happy that I quit. 🙂

Thank you for reading. Sorry for my French.

I am happy that I quit. Because because of quitting I know have an idea of how to deal with this. I have had a warning that alcohol is still a no-go area for me. I have been warned that my standard reaction to difficulty is still ‘I want to kill myself.’ Which, for anybody who is worried: I will not do. I will take extra care of me, ok, and an extra bag of chips, and start cleaning my house because that is what a woman who loves herself would do. She would deal with things, or at least try to learn to deal. Which is what I need to do. Write it out, cry about it. Try to differentiate between the other trying to put me down and me trying to put me down. See where I take over in this relay called beating up Feeling.

I am surprised, in a not funny way in how destructive I can be towards myself. In my behaviour, in the way I feel about myself, in the way I behave when with people. I can not find the word but it is amazing, without the good feelings of amazing to it. So much learning opportunity. So much not wanting to learn this because it hurt. I guess this is it: I NEED to take this step where I keep aware of what is going on because that is where the change is. If I don’t take a look at  this I will only find more bosses and people who will treat me like this. It is a karma thing, as long as I do not stand up for myself and learn to keep nasty people out of my energy, I will keep on being a target for others who feel like projecting their own issues on me. I need to let go of this poor-me approach but shit, why do I have to do the work when she is the bitch? 😀 Ghegheghe, that is a joke. And next to that I mean it. :-(. Ghegheghe…

On we go. I am happy that I quit. 🙂 ❤

I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

 

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I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. 🙂

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. 🙂 Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

On selflessness

NEW! Got a little, tiny, tiny insight into selflessness today. I was in bed, thinking about the book I am reading on the vanishing twin syndrome and how I feel/assume that this made me get into trouble with energetic barriers, with the natural and healthy opening and closing of chakra’s if you will. I practised with letting some guard down and then there was a WHOLE WORLD! 🙂 I practised staying in that awareness/openness for several minutes, trying to feel my way through opening and closing and watching all the natural reactions of fear and awe I was experiencing and muscles consequently tightening and loosening and tightening, getting into a knot and loosening again. Breath stopping and moving and stopping and changing in frequency and depth and place. It was very informative.

And now this evil spirit kicks in and says; “Very informative…. bwaahahaahaha, don’t think I’ll be going back there soon.” So obviously the threat is still larger than the perceived gain. But so, yeah, there is an outside world outside of me. Hi. 🙂

It was about time I guess to be recognising something of this. I keep on reading 12 step oriented posts and people speak of service to the community while I go like ‘Yeah, yeah’ and think ‘hell no!’ Which makes me conclude that obviouisly (!) I am not ‘there’ yet. 😀 Not sure how to continue. Guess I’ll be forgetting about this and then coming back to it when it becomes apparrent again like I have been doing every other development over the last 2 years minus 2 days.

I am happy that I quit. I feel like I am moving towards something new which in itself has no name yet but I can feel it coming. I am scared but feel that I need to be ready because change and growth is important now and with the concussion I have been standing still and feeling sorry for myself for too long.

A woman who loves herself would drink her night tea and go to bed. 🙂 It still is a lovely question to live by. Specifically because I answer it with my knowledge and therefor what I need to do is within my limit.

Ooh, noteworthy too: yesterday I admin-ed without issues. I did attack several chocolate bars in the days leading up to this moment but then I read the ISHA post of yesterday which I reposted in this blog and thought ‘stuff this, life is not about being scared of admin’. So I did it. 🙂

Hope you are having a good day/night/evening. Also specifically for those people who in the last weeks, months have disappeared from the blog world; please come back. Just start writing, you do not have to be perfect, you do not even have to push the publish button, just start writing. Sending love and hugs,

xx, Feeling

 

 

 

 

Creating an unwavering intention

I found this post by Sadhguru inspiring and again exactly what I need. 🙂 Hope you enjoy.

xx, Feeling

Sadhguru looks at the significance of unwavering intention, and explains what Adi Shankaracharya meant by saying “Nishchalatattve jeevanmukti”, in his famous Bhaja Govindam. The post Nishchala Tattvam: Creating An Unwavering Intention appeared first on The Isha Blog.

via Nishchala Tattvam: Creating An Unwavering Intention — The Isha Blog

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