World of hurt

New jobs are tough. New jobs and saying goodbye to a lost love is double tough. The thought ‘I am gonna fucking drink this all away.’ popped up. So, time to write and sort stuff out. What is in the way, is The Way and whatever it takes is what it takes. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Not enjoying this road down into the darkness of loss and loneliness. And then again: if I am not enjoying this? Why am I here, looking at it? Energy flows where attention goes. I mean, I might as well go do something nice which brings me pleasure, not? ๐Ÿ™‚ย  Yeah, that would be a good idea. ๐Ÿ™‚ Not there yet though. Guess I always need to go through the dark stuff in order to work in out. Here goes the rollercoaster on its way down. Not promising a way up but let’s see if I can get there. ๐Ÿ™‚

So, what happened? I’m in a new job where I need to get the company ready for a certification and the general quality of the staff who actually needs to bring a certain quality of produce is lower than I had expected. So I consulted with my boss to get two of my former collegues in; the nice guy and his collegue friend. Both of them get on very well together, are good workforce, likeable and communicate well at the workfloor. And… more importantly: they had been talking about leaving and wanting to get away continuously for a year so I thought they were interested in a new function. The nice guy even asked me for a job when I told him where I worked. However, my boss’ firm also supplies the holding of my former employer so… we can not make it too obvious, that would be unpolite-ish. I sent a Facebook message to both ex-collegues to check out a vacancy site and to call me after. Can’t make it too obvious because of the damage my old boss could do to my new boss. The vacancy description was vague in order not to alert my former company. And then the guys never called. And they did not read my next message checking up on them. I phoned the nice guy on the number he had left me to be a reference and somebody withย  another name picked up. In the conversation that followed I noticed that the person picking up was very drunk and possibly stoned too because way out there and very giggly and sluggish speach. I could not make out if it was the nice guy or not. I can not imagine him giving me the wrong number for a reference. I can imagine him being totally angry with me, specifically after what follows:

Last night I dreamed that the nice guy met. He and I have been in love with eachother on and off over the last year but it never connected because of my doubts, his doubts and the scary boss combined. Everybody tried to put us together, both male and female collegues and the boss. After a while he reacted with anger and despise to that, towards me, I felt that he was reacting to the confusion. But maybe he did indeed despise me. Dunno. And then he would turn around and be ultra nice again. Confusing and painfull but I had other things on my mind: surviving my boss sober. Well, last night I dreamed that we saw each other today and that we did not speak because he thought that I thought that he was not good enough for me blablablabla. And I was too flabbergasted to say something, felt unwanted and denied. It left me crying when waking up. Being dream-met with despise and doubt was hurtful.

Today I left work early. On my way home on my bike the nice guy was oncoming traffic on the bike path. I could not believe the strange world I was travelling in. I mean, Amsterdam is not big, it is a 1.000.000 people village but to meet somebody? On that stretch we have a 10 second window to actually meet eachtother. His workinghours are normally way later. The ‘nice’ guy saw me and turned even darker than his mood was / looks already were. Shit he looked bad; all bloated and at least 10 kilo’s heavier than I had last seen him. And dark, dark, dark, brooding, in psychological pain, haunted, angry. He did not say anything. He did not stop. I only looked at him in a sort of neutral face, not smiling, just being internally checking myself if I was still sane. This strange mix up of the dream world with the daily world was confusing. Seeing him and his face turning angry was very hurtful. When I came home I unfriended both ex-collegues on Facebook. And now I am sad. Having difficulty holding myself together. Falling apart here. The betrayal is big.

The above happen last Friday.

Useless inbetween story: The other day I had dreamed of the bookstoreman and he became oncomming traffic too. He ignored me too. It is a strange world in which I travel. You know, I have been wishing that things would become clear, would unfold. That I would get proof of the weirdness of my life, of the energetic connection between people. That it is indeed possible to communicate ‘through the air’ (yes this is getting even more weird ;-)) with people as I have suspected all my life. At the evening I met the bookstoreman I biked through Amsterdam deciding ‘on feel’ what route to take to the place where I need to go and then, like a sniffer dog, bike into the person I was looking for. I was so sure I would meet him I had taken the books I still ow him. I don’t know where he lives or works or, well. I do not know anything about him since a year. But it is possible. I know, that is why it is happening. And fuck they don’t give a shit. That is also possible unfortunately. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I am guessing that this is a point where I could go insane or possibly move into a psychoses or so. Well, that’s how it feels. And sorry to be putting these vague experiences onto you. This is where I am logging my experiences on the strange road to clarity and through the dark fields that sobriety can bring. The weirdness of these happenings have a cross over quality of the dream state into the daily state. And I guess it is true that there is much more ‘out there’ and possible. Not sure how to incorperate it into my own life without having the feeling I am losing my sanity. Worrying about that makes turns up the pressure by the way. Better to sit back and see where it takes me without opinion, without wanting to pin it down. But that scares me. The tendency to judge, to have an opinion has the function to make life comprehendable but it also limits the experience, cuts it off, breaks it into pieces which can be judged and clung to instead of giving myself the ability to see the whole, overwhelming, picture. I wish I had somebody who could help me with this.

I am so sad. I feel despised and I have no clue as to why. Why ask me to put in a word with the boss and then not react to a vacancy? Why not contact me? Why pass me by while looking me right in the face. What the fuck did I do?! Or maybe; what the fuck did my boss tell him. There’s also a possiblity. Or maybe he is not really happy that I move on and make more money than he does now. He often told me that he feels like a loser who has done bad with his life and career. I don’t know and there is little use trying to work out why and what and try to think for him. Need to let go.

So, again, I have proven that I fall for guys who do not like me. Fuck this hurts. Fuckerthefuckfuckfuck. Well, no fuck, that’s the problem. :-/ Sigh. Funny thing; why, if I think to, at times, have the ability to open up to another experience world where things like biking through town and meeting the person you were looking for, do I not ‘imagine’ that to be somebody who likes me. ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe… funny, not? I don’t think it works that way; it is not me sending these guys to meet me. It is me opening up to the energy of these people and energetically sniffing them out in another plane. I do not think it is such a strange thing to do. Not sure if that means I am crazy or just have a different experience.

I dislike having to sort issues like this out in my probation time. In the 2 weeks I have been in this firm I have built up a 160 item to do list. The consultants guiding the company through the process doubt if we can make the certification in such a short period but my boss has committed himself to the shareholders and some important big new clients. I have been stepping up to meet the expectations of this job in these 2 weeks. I feel like I have only done a tiny percentage of what I have to do. Every day I grow in the way I conduct myself, the way I organise, in the 3 kilo procedures and legislations I read, the new software I study, the abbreviations. Every day I bike the 20-25 minutes home and try to relax and put it out of my head. I realise that I feel insufficient, always have. That I think I need to make up for some failing I have. That I am never good enough. That someday people will find out and hang me.

The other day I thought that with being sober for more than 2 years at a first try, I now belong the the 1% of people who actually did that. I am not proud because I know I had to otherwise I would be dead. So, I mean, that’s not really a choice is it? Then this 1% combined with another thought where I once did a nationwide schooltest and scored a 99% score. That meant that only 1% of the kids of that year in the Netherlands scored better than I did. I came home and at proudly telling this to my parents my fathers first reaction was; “Yeah, I always thought that you lacked something” – can’t remember the exact words. They cut deep. The other day I tried to think myself complete by adding the 1% to the 99%.

I don’t want this life anymore. I find it too difficult to be me. Not sure how other people do that; be them. It hurts. Things hurt and I have no clue as to find what I am looking for. I always feel incomplete. Broken. The book on the lost twins described that nicely how people who have lost a twin keep on treating every person they meet as their lost twin: trying to connect at hearts level. I do that. I get personel even before I know your name, well sort of but yeah, almost literally. I open up like we have know eachother for 20 years. All in the search for that what I feel I am missing. The rest of me.

Somehow the thought of being in a relation gives me the idea of being whole. But I know from experience that this is not so. It does not take long for me to feel locked up in a relation. So many things I do not understand about life. I see a lot of people who are in a relation and miserable. Sometimes I think I would prefer that. I know it takes me 5 minutes of that misery to realise that I don’t.

Loneliness, it is the longing version of being alone. We have needs and we have desires. Loneliness as I have the longing version after somebody who is obviously not into me is the desire version. It is like addiction. I had the need to relax, wind down and hurt less and I desired alcohol.

Ok, now to get out all the nastyness out of my system: it has taken me exactly 2 weeks to fall in love with my new boss. (yes, go ahead, unfriend this miserable moaning blog, I think I would… literally). Which is one of the reasons why I felt so much in need of the nice guy because that would be a good distraction. Not? Whoops, so much for ‘love’; “I am in love with somebody else which is unsuitable, yet again, but you can serve as a nice distraction.” Gosh. You! Yeah you reading this: when in a relation, stick with what you have. It is messy out here. ๐Ÿ˜€

Sigh. My god, how did I ever survive me? Ooh yeah, I did not. I drank. Ok, so currently I am ‘only’ sorting out what I should have learned as a teenager. Double sigh. Tripple sigh. {Insert harsh language of your liking} {Repeat}

Notice how my post get erratic and long now I did not meditate for a week? I find that interesting.

It is Monday today, spoke with my new boss. He had received a call from my former boss about not taking her staff on last Thursday. Guess that explains why the ‘nice’ guy did not speak with me. Somehow it came out somewhere. Not sure how. I guess I will never know because ‘nice’ guys is not going to tell me I guess. Lucky me I have a conversation online where he asks me for a job and yes I will show that to my new boss. Shit this hurts and it is no way I would likeย  to start a new job but I guess if one does something which is not 100% kosher the results will be as unsavery.

My boss informed me that he did not want to tell me my former boss had called. I was so shaken that I left it at that. He very much dislikes her, he used to work with her and actually finds her very unlikable. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Boss gossip.

Back to Sunday. Yesterday I called my sister in law, we had video contact and her 12 year old son walks into the conversation saying something. I did not reply immediately at which he replied: “Are you traumatised now?! Dad says you are traumatised soooo easily.” At which my SIL sort of starts laughing in a ‘this is funny but you are not supposed to say that’ and (so?) he repeats; “Yes! That says that you are soooo easily traumatised, he does!” At which he started laughing. I unplugged Facebook and shut down both my phones immediately. I have deleted all messenges since without reading or listening and I have replied to them today that I do not want contact. To hear this demeaning comments about the man who in his earlier year egged on his friends to assault me, threaten me, rape me, who put a knife to my throat, who lied about everything to my parents, who did not object if anybody made untrue comments or statements about any of it. Who stood by chuckling at my powerlessness during all this. I had no response. Still do not. My SIL made the same ‘let’s not take this serious’ kind of noises which were so very, very familiar. I was afraid of this coming up. This remark about being traumatised has run through conversations earlier, the kids fence with it whenever I comment on them being insensitive about something. My brother has mentioned it earlier.

Not sure when there is an end to the pain.Guess there will be because there always is at some point.

I am happy that I quit. If I had not I am pretty sure I would have killed myself over this. This backstabbing from various directions all at the same time. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I have learned by now that pain goes away after a while. That I need to take care of me. That no matter what I always have myself. It is a lonely disposition. Currently I prefer it to people. However I did call friends to speak with. And one of them even said: how good of you to call, this is different from where you came from. ๐Ÿ™‚ So I guess that is progress. :-/

I find it difficult to concentrate at work. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ And my to do list has gotten up to 165 items in these 2 weeks that I work there. All items are tasks of at least 2 hours. One could call it job security. I feel insecure wether I can actually do this. Scared that my former boss spoke ill of me about this. Off to bed. Need to be sharp tomorrow. A woman who loves herself would love herself and not run for the pain, acknowledge it but possibly not make it my dayjob. I have another dayjob. Need to get through my probation time.

I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚ No spellcheck, off to bed.

xx, Feeling

First day new job

Gheghe, I have 4 draft posts on ‘first day new job’ since it was last week. Never finished them because too exited. I am process coรถrdinator now in the same branch with the same product as I was in. Actually I have moved to the chique big brother of the former company. Last week was my first day and today my second. It is all pretty overwhelming because I came in at the beginning of the introduction of a new process and I am the one who needs to roll it out in the company supported by two external consultants.

Last Thursday was my first day, Friday was tax check day where the tax office was doing a semi standard check on my admin over 2014. Not sure what the outcome is yet. If it is bad I might have to pay back a money. We will see. I was so stressed out I could not move for several days. This total freeze is my go to mode. However I did manage to do some meditating as well and that helped a little. I could now see it happening in stead of being caught up in it 100%, so I guess there is some ‘space’ developing.

I think I should check out how I spent the first days of my former job because I have been freaking out ever so now and then. Yesterday night I was convinced that I would be fired today. I was totally out of control panicky. However again there was a little space for ‘reality’ (?) because I assumed that I was in panick mode and could take a tiny, tiny little distance. It took me 2 hours to fall asleep and I woke up several times. I remembered from when I worked as an employee, before I started my own business that in a lot of nights, specifically Sunday nights I would not sleep well, freak out of things I was sureย  I could not do. I assign a lot of my serious drinking to that feeling, I would on weekdays, drink an average amount, not to get drunk but to be able to sleep.

Again, I guess what is in the way is The Way; so now it is time to learn about this insecurity and related panick. I am not joking when I say: that at those moments I would rather not be alive. Would be a bad joke anyway, but it is not a joke. No idea where it comes from apart from not being able to deal with insecurity, failure and ‘not being good enough’.

I remember I always had this reaction to having to do something I thought I could not. This immensely overwhelming fear of failure. It is a very unpleasant even to think of it. And in these modes it is very difficult to do what a woman who loves herself would do because the first thought is to assume that I do not have rights to loving myself. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I am happy that I quit because yesterday I could realise that I was in a freeze instead of only being frozen and I have taken deliberate action to get me out of that freeze. Only worked for seconds but hey, Rome was not built in one day and learning to bike also took me several days, so continue. What is in the way is The Way.

Today I will take better care though and go to bed in time. ๐Ÿ™‚

I wish you all a very nice sober day / evening.

xx, Feeling

Boss, tax, chocolate

Things are difficult. Sad. Boss bitch is on war path again: “Ooh, I can not say that when Feeling is present (referring to the sex question about ‘how often do you do it?’ she half-finished when I walked in), but no worries guys, we can go back to normal when she’s not here.” She did another 3 of those today so with the large tax refund I got this week (3-4 monthly salaries) I (assume) I will be resigning next week. I will also be speaking with HR when I’m gone. Not totally sure yet. See how it feels later. There is something funny going on here too, which runs alongside; I have this intense feeling that all of my life I ‘had to go’, I should ‘rather not be there/present/alive because ‘too much’. That ‘nobody really likes me anyhow’. That I should ‘take myself out of the equation’ because I am not worth living anyhow. And she presses all these buttons. Stay and learn with the chance that I go under quickly en seriously or not take any chances with my mental health and energy and go? Repeating my leaving as I did in a lot of situations in my life. I keep on meeting these awful strange people of which everybody says ‘THEY. ARE. CRAZY – it is NOT you!’ But I keep on having to deal with them. I don’t know yet. Time will tell. And bwaahaha, maybe I should start taking life into my hands again. But that is the stupidity of situations like these: they take my life’s energy and I need to swim against the stream to keep alive. Anybody any advice?

I had no chocolate during this whole week except 1/4 bar this afternoon which makes a huge difference in how I am aware of my surroundings. That is great. Or not.:-)ย  I ‘knew’ sugar has a big impact on me, specifically the way I use it. It has become a so manniest addiction and I really need to look at it but I find it too difficult because of ‘poor me’. This week off works sort of like a 30 day challenge for alcohol. (No it doesn’t because it is not 30 days! Oooh, the lying….): it gives the effects on the body of sober living while the mind and the addict within can be at ease thinking ‘oooh, it is only 30 days… should be able to do that, let’s do this because otherwise I prove that I AM an addict….’. Well, it was a nice week and my awareness and sensitivity to energy and what is going on inside is back. I, again, learn why I have an addictive personality because the awareness of all which is going on inside and outside me is pretty overwhelming if I do not keep centered, aware and at ease all day. Breathing helps :-).

Last Monday I opened a letter from the tax office which send me reeling because it said that I had (missed) an appointment with them the week before. As you might know I never open my post immediately and this is one of the consequences. I was very disappointed at myself and very stressed out. Did not sleep that night and my blood pressure rose to a height I have never sensed before. Next day I mailed my admin person, 2 days later we spoke: he will contact the tax office and have the meeting with them since he can solve it in 10 minutes and no stress while I will be stressing out over this for days to come. Do I feel childish? Yes I do. Do I feel I have the right to move this ‘burden’ to somebody who gets paid for it. Yes I do. Sort of. And I realise now that I do not want to think about it because the only thing I say to me is ‘you are stupid’. But a woman who loves herself, she would have….? She actually feels she should have dealt with it. Hmmm…. :-/ I feel I should apologise personally to the person who came here while I was at work. Ok, I will call him.

Can’t wait for my new course in singing to start this Wednesday. I also like the video’s on Medical Intuition from Carolyn Myss very mych. There are 3 now:

1 What is medical intuition?
2 Why people don’t heal
3 The 5 keys to learning medical intuition

The content of the first is an answer to the question What is medical intuition. The second video is on what I call ‘ziektewinst’ – a Dutch word for ‘what we gain when we are ill’. She is pretty much into that and seeing it as a reason why people don’t heal. I think for me it can be true / is often true. I would not go about putting that out there to anybody else. (Rephrase: I did, and I regretted it). Not sure if I like the stern way she speaks about it but she does not get unkind, she is compassionate but strict. I like the way she deals with boundaries and speaks about power – although I would use the word strength more than power but that might be a language thing. The 3rd vid is a (bit messy) listing of 5 important points to learning medical intuition. I do not so much want to learn medical intuition as that Iย  want to get it clear. I have big medical intuition but I get it mixed up with fear which is not a good thing. I think she can learn me to get my intuition clear, be it medical or otherwise. That is the only thing I know for sure about my life: that I need to get clear, to undo the hold that addiction has on me, to undo the hold that past events, memories, bad memories have on me. That’s ‘all’. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Not much more to say here. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed already. I am happy that I quit and actually I am happy that I am working on quitting chocolate too. And I would be really grateful if I could put a stop to the moaning about it that I do. I guess you too :-).

Wishing you all a good weekend. Hoping you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Long story short: Today I quit my job…. and got it back again.. (?)

Well, that about sums it up. In between there was an hour of yelling from me to my boss and my boss to me. I was fed up and got so so very fucking angry, there was no stopping. There were several points where I could have made a, well, possibly wiser, or more mature decision but I was so fed up that I did not want to do that.

What went down: there was a crisis in the place today. We were halfway through the day when somebody noticed that the shipping plan we fulfilling was not synchronised with the production plan of the day and not with the packaging plan. Normally these are all the same so that we produce, pack and label what we need to ship. Logical. Today somebody made a tiny but mistake with a big result and handed out the wrong shipping list so we had an unexplained huge shortage in one product and an immense overproduction in the other. It was only at noon (after 4 working hours) that somebody realised what had happened. Obviously the boss was very much stressed out because we work with fresh produce with a limited expiration date and the ordering of raw product is also according to the production list. Right before the weekend one does not ‘stock extra’ expirable stuff so it the shit hits the fan, it hits real hard.

Due to the constant issues and difficulties we were having the packaging team I work in was losing its interest and slowing down dramatically. I was thinking: ‘If we want to get out of this shit as good as we can AND still do the extra work which will be coming up later we really really need to get out of this mode.’ So I started joking around a little to change the atmosphere and at some point we got the spirit back and had a packing contest in who was the quickest. This was HILARIOUS. So we were having fun and working our ass of when the boss walks in and without pause says to me and me only: “YOU! SHUT UP AND WORK!!!”

I could not deal. I could not let it ‘slide off’. She walked off and so did I. Got into my civies and just when I was about to walk out she noticed and asked me where I was going. I said “I’m off.”

“What?! Why!!!!!!?!!!!”

“Because I have had enough of you and the way you treat me.”

“If you walk out now you do not have to come back on Monday!”

“Well, there is that settled than.” (pissed off, decisive, and I walked off)

“WHY?!!!!!!”

“BECAUSE I AM FED UP WITH YOU AND THE WAY YOU TREAT ME!!!! WHATEVER YOU SAY IS FUCKING DEMEANING, I SEE NO REASON TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO ANY OF THAT.”

“I AM IN A BIG SHIT HERE!”

“Yes.” (affirmative)

I was already unlocking my bike when she yelled after me “Give me back the uniform!” which I had, out of habit, put in my bag to wash at home. So I walked back, heavy chain lock in my hand, thought I should leave that outside because I did not want to look like I was threatening somebody, walked in and put my gear on the table and walked back to the exit. She asked: “So you are not coming back this Monday?”

“No.”

“I WANT THAT ON PAPER! YOU SIT HERE AND TYPE UP YOUR LETTER OF RESIGNATION!”

These dynamics, they are really strange. I had just quit and when I walked over I was wondering why I was doing what she ‘asked’.

So I typed that I resigned my job because I was ‘fed up with the demeaning behaviour of my boss.’ Literally. She got confused then required that I signed that. Wonder why. Guess she was trying to see how far I would carry this. Well, don’t ever dare the Don Quichotte in me :-/. I am not proud on how at that moment this is not a decision anymore, it is a biggest dickest contest. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Well, I was done.

She mellowed down and required me to sign the paper which I was going to do so I followed her to the office. She required a talk which became a shouting match within 1 second. For those who do not know me: not ever in my life have I gotten myself into a fight with any partner I have lived with, not ever have I shouted as somebody untill I came to work here. I have always pre-emptively (is that a word?) made sure that people I had to work with could speak about any grudge they have/had with me by inviting them to speak out. Obviously something changed. I guess now I do not drink anymore I need to learn to deal. There is no way out anymore. Not sure if this whole thing was another way of self destructing or actually standing up for myself, in an extreme way.

We spoke, yelled. I told her I found behaviour sexually intimidating. She told me that the guys say worse sexual things to and about me behind my back (nice touch that last bit, she has done that before to make me feel unsure). I yelled at here that anything between me and the guys is horizontal, not vertical in the chain of command so that leaves it up to me to say back WHATEVER I like. I listed the things she has said to me and at first she denied, and I do think she really did not remember, but that only made me angrier and yell harder. Ghegheghe, this is so weird to look back upon. Wonder what you think when reading this. Wonder what I will think when reading this when the adrenaline is finally out of my body. It has been 7 hours since, my heartbeat is still unstable.

She kept on denying things and saying that I should have said so before and finally; “You are such a strong woman, why do I hear about this now, and not when it happened?” It was not a question, she was complimenting and then blaming me. So I told yelled that I was sick of these demeaning way of asking questions and that this is EXACTLY how intimidation works.

“Why did you not SAY anything?!!!!!!”

“Because that is how intimidation works!!!!!”

“But WHY did you not say anything?!!!”

“Because that is how intimidation works!!!!!!!! That is what happens when you call somebody a whore, when you ask after their first sexual experience at the first workday, when you speak about my privates calling them a wet mussel.”

“BUT WHY DID YOU NOT SAY ANYTHING?!!!”

“BECAUSE THAT IS HOW INTIMIDATION WORKS!!!!! PEOPLE STOP SAYING THINGS!!!!!!”

“But this is a horizontal organisation, I am not above somebody? You can tell me anything?!”

I did not give a reply to that. I had told her before that she is the boss. Funny how I hold back there. My therapist says that this is exactly her problem: she does not want to be ‘the boss’. Oooh, she actually literally said that;ย  “I am no boss.” She started crying over that. That was strange. It was actually really strange how I felt sorry for her at that moment. She told me about her worries for the company and for some of the employees having problems with their taxes or residence permit and how she helps them after work. Her notion is soooo out of reality. Like I’m going to fire her when she does not perform or sexually intimidates me. Pfffff…. As I said, my therapist says this is the heart of her problem where she does not want to be boss. I realised that I from the beginning have done a nasty thing and that is excluding her. Showing very much that she is not ‘in-crowd’. I did not realise that I did that but I do. Nasty revenge. I am not proud of that.

It is getting late and my heart is tired, I need to sleep. We ended up coming to an agreement that I can, at any time I think she is demeaning or intimidating stop the conversation and point that out to her. I never thought I could return in my steps but I believe this can work and that it is EXACTLY what I need to learn anyhow and hahaha, I might be her karma too. Ghegheghe. Dunno. Time will learn if we can keep this up.

For the record: she kept on saying that she did not order me to leave which I kept replying that I can very well leave on my own accord (MG, what a drama) and then she changed to that she did not want me to leave. That was strange. She said she likes me in the team, she say the guys like me in the team. At some point she also said that if the guys did not like me so much and did not appreciate the amount of work I do in a day she would have chucked me out long before. I forgot why. She thinks I fit in very well with the weird bunch of people who work there (yes, almost everybody is weird, true). She said the only issue she has with me is that I chatter too much and sometimes lose focus with counting and doing stuff. I do chatter, I don’t think she is irritated by the chatter as much as she is irritated by me doing that. And well, yes, I don’t drink, I don’t have a life and unlike her I am not on a diet so I am awake in the early morning.

We said goodbye, argued like cats and dogs again and finally hugged. Yes! And that was good. ๐Ÿ™‚ How strange? Strange. I said goodbye to my colleagues and ‘See you on Monday.’ Everybody seemed very relieved that I come back. :-/

I realise that I can only pull this off once. I believe her when she says she wants to learn. I also expect/think to know that in practice that will be difficult and different since this destructive behaviour is so engrained in her daily routine. She told me she actually believes this is how people in our line of work speak with each other. But I believed her intention. It is my intention to speak up and not flare up again. I must try to keep more level-headed. Whenever anything happens at work I feel like I am in my worst drunk PMS sugar high mode ever. Does anybody have that too?

Well, my nice colleague had gone back to my bike to lock it with the chain. Sweet. ๐Ÿ™‚ I asked him to advise me on what to do, stay or leave. He gave me exactly the advice which made me flare up even more so that did not work. ๐Ÿ™‚

3 Hours after I left she called to check up on me. She told me that she had spoken with the guys and told them what had come to pass and what my issues with her were. Not sure if I would appreciate if they say I think she is intimidating. We shall see. She was worried that I would worry the whole weekend. I do not think so. I had uncoupled (is that the right word?) so thoroughly that I would not fall for pretend nicety anymore so I would not have hugged if I did not think it was sincere. So, I guess I am ok-ish. Not proud of my anger flaring up. Very aware though of how necessary it is/was. Timing is nasty. I did tell her that I am aware that my timing for walking out sucked.

So, all that I did. What I did NOT do, and only found out later is that I did NOT tell her that I thought she tried to poison me with the alcohol. I did not tell her so because I did not want to let her see how vulnerable I was / am there. So yeah. :-/ First I though this was a bad thing, to let stuff untold when saying that you are saying everything. Now I think it is ok-ishlike. Well, actually, well, not sure.

There was a work-friend of my boss at the workplace when I unleashed. When I finally tore up my resignation letter she dropped her head on her laptop and said ‘Thank god!’ Not sure what it would be to her. It was strange. Boring detail. I only note this down for later reference.

My boss goes on holiday in a week. I had forgotten about that. When she started crying she also outed that she just wanted rest and rest and rest and wanted to go on holiday. I really felt for her there and then. Then again: I helped pay for it for putting 130% of work in an hour which she never seems to appreciate. Which I told her. Pffff. Sigh. Need to get this of my chest more than it is now because my heart is still fluttering. Could be from the halloumi cheese too. It was on sale so I have been eating that for 4 days now. Not that you are interested :-D.

One thing I do not understand is how she cried out in despair; “But you are older than I am?! How can you not say stuff?!” It is only now that I realise this. Funny in a not funny way. She really does not realise that she is the boss. Age does not matter there for me. Well, complicated, unless I follow my intentions. So, well, we will see. ๐Ÿ™‚

A woman who loves herself would: not eat too much chocolate because her heart is already troubled. She would call her therapist to sort things out. She would call friends and speak with them. She would make tea for herself. She would write. And she would make very very sure not to self destruct. The last bit is still a bit difficult. My thoughts want to run to ‘You see; you are stupid! She has every right to be destructive’. Ooh, it is hard to write this down because part of me wants to believe it because it is my old track. I counter that thought with: she might like it to destruct but I do not like it to be subject of that so I WILL leave if she does that again.

By the way: when she realised that she had been calling me names and saying inappropriate stuff she was astonished and said she would take it up with her management to make sure this did not go unnoticed. I believe her intention. Not sure if she is going to fill it in.

Well, I am still a bit flabbergasted but ok-ish with what I did. Let’s see how tomorrow looks.

Hahah, hope you had a better workday than I did :-D. Wishing you a good sober weekend where you are happy that you quit. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am happy that I quit but I feel like I am in the zone where I need to take care. I am afraid that the reminder of the alcohol taste in the cake of last week is part of that deal. Maybe I should set up an account for my alcohol desensitization course again. Yes. I will.

Today I wondered who I would call with my emergency call, I had been crying and could not see what I typed on the phone. When I put on my glasses I read ‘AA’. ๐Ÿ™‚ Well, maybe that is a thought. Obviously somebody there will know how to deal with anger.

xx, Feeling.

Addition: Bwaahahaha, ‘Happy that I quit’ well, yes, that did only now hit home. Bwaahahahaaa. Arrrrr, ooh, control, looking for some.

Cake with cognac

Just got home from work. Not sure how I feel. My boss had been getting at me the whole morning and that was tough. I try to keep on thinking ‘how somebody behaves and what they do is their business, not mine. But it was difficult. Others told me she was pissed off with me for taking yesterday off. I told her it was about my mothers dying day anniversary. She had forgotten to note it down so when she arrived at work she was surprised that I was not present. Strange because they day before I has specifically told a colleague that I had the day off and she was standing next to me so, well, beats me.

Just before I left she came carrying a piece of cake sort of telling me to eat it ‘Have some cake! Have some cake! Here, come sit with me!’ I sort of joked something about E-numbers; trying to not have to eat the cake. “No, no, no E-numbers.” I had no clue what it was about. I thought she wanted to speak about stuff so I sat down. She kept on rambling and looking at me conspicuously while I ate the cake. I kept on thinking: something is very wrong but I can’t find what. There is something with the cake but I can’t well, I guess I thought ‘read it in the air’ because that is what I do if I don’t know stuff. But that is another subject. She kept on pushing the cake:ย  “Nice cake, not? Very nice cake.” I agreed. She kept on pushing;ย  “I specifically like the bottom. I specifically like the bottom” “Yeah, baked well.” I was wondering what it was all about until I got the last bite: “Does contain alcohol though. Did you not notice?” “No, I did not. Must have baked out.” I did not show any fright or concern, I already felt that she was trying to poison me, just did not know how yet. That I could not read in the air.

I went home, threw up. Cried. Started writing. Fucking bitch. She knows I do not take in any alcohol. I told her what I tell others: it makes me depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.

Obviously the alcohol baked out mostly. The cake was baked by a colleague, the crust was really thin and prebaked. He put it in his dough which is shortbread, you can’t really put a lot of alcohol in there and still keep it as short and crisp as it was so I guess quantity wise I am ‘safe’. I do feel like I overdosed on sugar. My mind is angry, looking for trouble. I am sad, feel like she wants to humiliate me, feeling the pain of that. I want to trash things, break things, kill myself just to get out of this world and this situation. But other than than I am fine. Which in itself is a funny sentence I guess.

She is a sadist and likes torturing women especially.

I find it difficult to leave because I can not seem to get my life in order to be able to do so. That must change. What would a woman who loves herself do? First I will allow myself to cry over this, no matter how hard most people say I should not let it get to me. It does get to me and I find it difficult that somebody can want to be so mean to me. What the fuck did I do to her? I always think that she feels threatened by my vulnerability. I am an open book. I can not lie very well. The looks of contempt she give me are difficult to deal with. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I find it very difficult now. Cunt.

Well, sorry for my French. This is how it is today. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to read he comments on my 2 year sober post from yesterday now. Ghegheghe… I am so VERY VERY VERY happy this ‘incident’ did not happen 2 days ago. I think I would have been a whole lot more upset then. Now I somehow have the ‘I have 2 years booze free’ medal in my heart and mind. Which is good. I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you for reading. Sorry for my French.

I am happy that I quit. Because because of quitting I know have an idea of how to deal with this. I have had a warning that alcohol is still a no-go area for me. I have been warned that my standard reaction to difficulty is still ‘I want to kill myself.’ Which, for anybody who is worried: I will not do. I will take extra care of me, ok, and an extra bag of chips, and start cleaning my house because that is what a woman who loves herself would do. She would deal with things, or at least try to learn to deal. Which is what I need to do. Write it out, cry about it. Try to differentiate between the other trying to put me down and me trying to put me down. See where I take over in this relay called beating up Feeling.

I am surprised, in a not funny way in how destructive I can be towards myself. In my behaviour, in the way I feel about myself, in the way I behave when with people. I can not find the word but it is amazing, without the good feelings of amazing to it. So much learning opportunity. So much not wanting to learn this because it hurt. I guess this is it: I NEED to take this step where I keep aware of what is going on because that is where the change is. If I don’t take a look atย  this I will only find more bosses and people who will treat me like this. It is a karma thing, as long as I do not stand up for myself and learn to keep nasty people out of my energy, I will keep on being a target for others who feel like projecting their own issues on me. I need to let go of this poor-me approach but shit, why do I have to do the work when she is the bitch? ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe, that is a joke. And next to that I mean it. :-(. Ghegheghe…

On we go. I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

I hope you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

 

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. ๐Ÿ™‚

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. ๐Ÿ™‚ Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

On selflessness

NEW! Got a little, tiny, tiny insight into selflessness today. I was in bed, thinking about the book I am reading on the vanishing twin syndrome and how I feel/assume that this made me get into trouble with energetic barriers, with the natural and healthy opening and closing of chakra’s if you will. I practised with letting some guard down and then there was a WHOLE WORLD! ๐Ÿ™‚ I practised staying in that awareness/openness for several minutes, trying to feel my way through opening and closing and watching all the natural reactions of fear and awe I was experiencing and muscles consequently tightening and loosening and tightening, getting into a knot and loosening again. Breath stopping and moving and stopping and changing in frequency and depth and place. It was very informative.

And now this evil spirit kicks in and says; “Very informative…. bwaahahaahaha, don’t think I’ll be going back there soon.” So obviously the threat is still larger than the perceived gain. But so, yeah, there is an outside world outside of me. Hi. ๐Ÿ™‚

It was about time I guess to be recognising something of this. I keep on reading 12 step oriented posts and people speak of service to the community while I go like ‘Yeah, yeah’ and think ‘hell no!’ Which makes me conclude that obviouisly (!) I am not ‘there’ yet. ๐Ÿ˜€ Not sure how to continue. Guess I’ll be forgetting about this and then coming back to it when it becomes apparrent again like I have been doing every other development over the last 2 years minus 2 days.

I am happy that I quit. I feel like I am moving towards something new which in itself has no name yet but I can feel it coming. I am scared but feel that I need to be ready because change and growth is important now and with the concussion I have been standing still and feeling sorry for myself for too long.

A woman who loves herself would drink her night tea and go to bed. ๐Ÿ™‚ It still is a lovely question to live by. Specifically because I answer it with my knowledge and therefor what I need to do is within my limit.

Ooh, noteworthy too: yesterday I admin-ed without issues. I did attack several chocolate bars in the days leading up to this moment but then I read the ISHA post of yesterday which I reposted in this blog and thought ‘stuff this, life is not about being scared of admin’. So I did it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Hope you are having a good day/night/evening. Also specifically for those people who in the last weeks, months have disappeared from the blog world; please come back. Just start writing, you do not have to be perfect, you do not even have to push the publish button, just start writing. Sending love and hugs,

xx, Feeling