Boss, tax, chocolate

Things are difficult. Sad. Boss bitch is on war path again: “Ooh, I can not say that when Feeling is present (referring to the sex question about ‘how often do you do it?’ she half-finished when I walked in), but no worries guys, we can go back to normal when she’s not here.” She did another 3 of those today so with the large tax refund I got this week (3-4 monthly salaries) I (assume) I will be resigning next week. I will also be speaking with HR when I’m gone. Not totally sure yet. See how it feels later. There is something funny going on here too, which runs alongside; I have this intense feeling that all of my life I ‘had to go’, I should ‘rather not be there/present/alive because ‘too much’. That ‘nobody really likes me anyhow’. That I should ‘take myself out of the equation’ because I am not worth living anyhow. And she presses all these buttons. Stay and learn with the chance that I go under quickly en seriously or not take any chances with my mental health and energy and go? Repeating my leaving as I did in a lot of situations in my life. I keep on meeting these awful strange people of which everybody says ‘THEY. ARE. CRAZY – it is NOT you!’ But I keep on having to deal with them. I don’t know yet. Time will tell. And bwaahaha, maybe I should start taking life into my hands again. But that is the stupidity of situations like these: they take my life’s energy and I need to swim against the stream to keep alive. Anybody any advice?

I had no chocolate during this whole week except 1/4 bar this afternoon which makes a huge difference in how I am aware of my surroundings. That is great. Or not.:-)  I ‘knew’ sugar has a big impact on me, specifically the way I use it. It has become a so manniest addiction and I really need to look at it but I find it too difficult because of ‘poor me’. This week off works sort of like a 30 day challenge for alcohol. (No it doesn’t because it is not 30 days! Oooh, the lying….): it gives the effects on the body of sober living while the mind and the addict within can be at ease thinking ‘oooh, it is only 30 days… should be able to do that, let’s do this because otherwise I prove that I AM an addict….’. Well, it was a nice week and my awareness and sensitivity to energy and what is going on inside is back. I, again, learn why I have an addictive personality because the awareness of all which is going on inside and outside me is pretty overwhelming if I do not keep centered, aware and at ease all day. Breathing helps :-).

Last Monday I opened a letter from the tax office which send me reeling because it said that I had (missed) an appointment with them the week before. As you might know I never open my post immediately and this is one of the consequences. I was very disappointed at myself and very stressed out. Did not sleep that night and my blood pressure rose to a height I have never sensed before. Next day I mailed my admin person, 2 days later we spoke: he will contact the tax office and have the meeting with them since he can solve it in 10 minutes and no stress while I will be stressing out over this for days to come. Do I feel childish? Yes I do. Do I feel I have the right to move this ‘burden’ to somebody who gets paid for it. Yes I do. Sort of. And I realise now that I do not want to think about it because the only thing I say to me is ‘you are stupid’. But a woman who loves herself, she would have….? She actually feels she should have dealt with it. Hmmm…. :-/ I feel I should apologise personally to the person who came here while I was at work. Ok, I will call him.

Can’t wait for my new course in singing to start this Wednesday. I also like the video’s on Medical Intuition from Carolyn Myss very mych. There are 3 now:

1 What is medical intuition?
2 Why people don’t heal
3 The 5 keys to learning medical intuition

The content of the first is an answer to the question What is medical intuition. The second video is on what I call ‘ziektewinst’ – a Dutch word for ‘what we gain when we are ill’. She is pretty much into that and seeing it as a reason why people don’t heal. I think for me it can be true / is often true. I would not go about putting that out there to anybody else. (Rephrase: I did, and I regretted it). Not sure if I like the stern way she speaks about it but she does not get unkind, she is compassionate but strict. I like the way she deals with boundaries and speaks about power – although I would use the word strength more than power but that might be a language thing. The 3rd vid is a (bit messy) listing of 5 important points to learning medical intuition. I do not so much want to learn medical intuition as that I  want to get it clear. I have big medical intuition but I get it mixed up with fear which is not a good thing. I think she can learn me to get my intuition clear, be it medical or otherwise. That is the only thing I know for sure about my life: that I need to get clear, to undo the hold that addiction has on me, to undo the hold that past events, memories, bad memories have on me. That’s ‘all’. 😉

Not much more to say here. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed already. I am happy that I quit and actually I am happy that I am working on quitting chocolate too. And I would be really grateful if I could put a stop to the moaning about it that I do. I guess you too :-).

Wishing you all a good weekend. Hoping you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Experiences / luck happening

Yesterday was a strange day. Learned shitloads. And after learning shitloads the world continued to spin and the universe did it’s thing. While clicking an article of interest on Facebook on sexual obsession in guys and how our culture stimulates that – which in itself is a very good read specifically when you have sons, I clicked another 2 or 3 times an came upon this site on counseling  and it in the Free resources I continued on this video:

Which started with teaching me what I should have done differently in order to prevent damaging people (don’t try to FIX people, specifically do NOT get into that mode because it creates havoc), when the results of me screwing up earlier became present. And then it continued, yes…. on PROCRASTINATING and it explained what procrastinating really is. I have been looking for an explanation but had not found it. Then it continued on the ‘SHOULD’ issue and then it continued on ALCOHOL! All my issues on a plate in a few minutes.

He has a very interesting way of looking at alcohol abuse and getting people to do something about it. And funny to recognise it because it is what I did before I quit when reading the book of Jason Vale ‘Kick the drink easily’ where I, while drinking, would watch how I got into the drinking mode, where the addiction ‘attached’ to me, how it ‘got’ me and how to learn to cut that off of find other answers for that.

Isn’t that amazing? I thought it was. I am happy about it. Will check out more of his vids.

I went to pick up a book from the bookshop after that and got invited to have some tea with a few people sitting there. Before sitting down I became interested in this Tarot deck which card showed the back of what you would normally see. And I thought: ‘I’ld like to see that but it is still closed.’

And I sat down and 2 women had a tarot deck in their hands and the bookshop guy went over to get the other deck and said: ‘I’ld like to show you these.’ Which…. is a very good start I thought. And what continued is a conversation that included about 20 of the topics I have been thinking and learning about in the last months. It was amazing!

The guests left and I was about to pay and we came to speak about work and me not having any. And the conversation continued for 3 hours (!) after closing time in which he interviewed me about what I wanted and where my heart lay and slowly the fog in my head disappeared and started to show the real issues that keep me from doing stuff. I became just real tired. Not that continuous bleuh feeling that I had, but real tired.

And I really slept. And this morning I woke up and the whole world looks different again. I have not had my beta blockers for 2 days. So I guess I am officially cured from my beta blocker addiction. Yeah on me! My heart is beating ok, it feels like it is pumping blood instead of mud. Which in itself is a VERY NICE feeling. It’s alive! 🙂

And…. now I still do not know what to do with my life but I am practising having faith and thinking positively so: I will find out. 🙂

Look and you will find, ask and you will be given, knock and you shall be opened.

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit.

I want: dunno, that things are, I don’t know. More easy? But that is funny because I think I have it easy. Sort of.  I want to continue living and really live my life to the fullest. Ooh shit that means that I need to make decisions I don’t want to make. Aah…. entry into hesitation  discovered. I want to move to my homeland but I can’t do that if I don’t have a job there because I would be spending my money on moving and stuff and then be in an area where there are very few jobs in my field. So I need to move field. Hmm, need to investigate and turn these sentences into positive wordings and see what opens up then.

I need: food. I keep on forgetting to eat. Which is totally new. It came with one of the Schuessler salts. But the funny thing is I am not hungry and I can be hungry after I ate, so that is not going as it should yet. I took the salt for blood pressure stuff but is also ‘about’ something to do with hunger and not. I’ll just wait and see.

I wish you a very nice day from The Netherlands. I am hoping for snow here. It is 11:11 again, I keep on seeing that clock time almost every day.