Assumptions

Watching a kids TV show and it warns witches for keeping control of themselves otherwise they can not control their magic. Which (witch?) set me off to wonder about my own assumptions.

I assume that I will never fit in, will always be the odd one out.
I assume that nobody will ever really like me.
I assume that I will always have to fight for a job.
I assume that I will die of a horrible disease at young age.
I assume that I will never have a partner who really cares about me.
I assume that I am batshit crazy but have learned to act ‘reasonably’ normal.
I assume that I will never find my true calling.
I assume that somebody finds this blogs and outs me in my professional life.
I assume that friends are only friends untill they really get to know me.

Of the above never finding my true calling is the worst by the way. I have built pretty steep fences around my heart against the rest.

Due to all this assumptions I think I never really try. I don’t try to be nice, be careful, I don’t lose weight because, well, because.

I am happy that I quit but in real life it often doesn’t matter to me and I would prefer to not have to live the life I have. Not to be who I am.

The other day a person I hold dear told me he did not really need to be alive. That really hit my heart because of the casual way he said it in combination with the quick check back to me to see how I would react. Somehow it suddenly really gets to me. Not sure what happened between this afternoon and now. I suddenly just have the feeling that it doesn’t matter and I am not going to go places anyway.

I have posted this before, but I guess it is time again:

 

Maybe the upcoming 3 years of not drinking bugs me. I though, hoped I would have been ‘further’ ahead. Like ‘have lost weight’, ‘be more sensible’, have my finances in order (which by the way, I almost have), be more compassionate, carry (and transfer) less shame, have read more books. Well, have worked it out all. But I notice that in between writing posts, working and 1 or 2 social things a week I do not ‘improve’ a lot if you will.

Guess I need to really start doing stuff, make it happen. Netflixing is taking its toll. I have learned from sobriety (just to get it be quoted back to me today here online 😉 ):

If you do what you did, you get what you got.

I guess I myself need to change things if I want things differently. I do not want to hold on to this old believes of being unloveable and weird. I do not want to make those into my trademark even.

I am happy that I quit, again is a sort of obliged way but I am happy that I quit because I would not have been able to see that these believes, these assumptions limit me. Well, maybe I am really unloveable, I do not believe in unconditional love anyhow (unless we all suddenly got enlightened…) but I don’t really really think so. BS. I do, but I calculate that this is not true.

Took some Schuessler salts, gheghe, most of them actually. 😉 I can breathe again! Throat infection gone-ish, sinuses back to unswollen position. Face looks funny though because I decided to

The other day I dreamed that I had signed up to do a personal transformation course and we had to walk up a really steep mountain of which all the steps looked totally different. I thought: “It is really, really important to take the time to do this. The goal is not to reach the top, the goal is to look at each step, to take it in and transfer the knowledge which is in it.” At the top was Buddha waiting for us disguised as a monk. He was young but way way older than I. He and I had some wordless communication. I woke up wondering  “I know it is true but why are the steps so important?”

Denial is BIG ;-).

It is time to go to bed. If I do what I did, I get what I got; restlessness. I know this can turn around even with a few days of really doing things. Does not have to be big. Cooking, taking care of me, cleaning, being consciousness, reading.

Thank you for reading. I’m fine-ish. Guess I have to learn to take the next step and not wait my life out.  I am happy that I quit. Every day of not drinking takes me one step further away from the abyss – and no matter, even if I do not ‘improve’ like crazy, I still practise sober time. And well, time will bring the answers. Either I get bored with me or the world does and in both cases I have to change my tune. 🙂

I am happy that I go to bed now. Bed = good.

xx, Feeling

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When I drank

When I drank I used to feel omnipotent and drank the awkward feelings away. That was unreal.

Now I don’t drink anymore I am starting to recognise my strengths and weaknesses. I am not almighty anymore but it is real.

And it is an odd place to have a job interview from. But well, this is how it is. The sun is shining and I am happy that I quit. Jeeeez, that funny job interview would have rocked my boat earlier. Still working on letting it settle in a good way but I do think it is exactly what needed to happen. 🙂

I am happy that I quit because I am starting to feel peace in being me. Because when drinking I would have never met you in the sober blogosphere, never had to look for answers to my questions about life, never have had met the store man who seriously helps me with sorting out issues now. We speak on a weekly basis for about 4-5 hours on life, development and spirituality. It’s real good fun. 🙂 Talking about personal development and laughing about our own inability to actually walk our own spiritual talk is just very funny and relaxing and I guess healing. 🙂

I want: to sit in the sun and not worry.

I need: to send out 2 applications later in the day, hmmm, if I had done that yesterday when it was raining I could have gone out now. Hmmmm. Slowly, slowly, my ‘shoulds’ are starting to turn into smarter time management. There is still a lot of apprehension in me for doing stuff in general but the energy for starting things has actually come back with the seaweed I eat for the Iodine. And when I plan a walk on a day it actually happens at 14:00 hours now instead of just half an hour before the sun sets. 🙂 I go to bed earlier and wake up with the alarm clock every few days 15 minutes earlier. I am aiming for 7:30 tomorrow. And I guess not taking the beta blockers helps because the leaflet inside said they make you go tired and numb, fat, sleepless and lacking energy in general. Good pills :-/ Stupid trap I fell in. I am actually still angry at the doctor who prescribed them. Need to work on that because it somehow keeps parts of me from moving forward. Not sure how that works. 🙂 Another 12 step thing (working on resentment) that pops up naturally in the process of getting clear after having been addicted. I really think it is funny how that works – obviously the 12 steps are a ‘natural procedure’ that comes with getting clean and clear. I think I’ll do a post on that some day. But not now. Bright but still cold February sun is calling!

Hope you have a nice Sunday and enjoy being sober and/or clean. 🙂

xx, Feeling