When I drank

When I drank I used to feel omnipotent and drank the awkward feelings away. That was unreal.

Now I don’t drink anymore I am starting to recognise my strengths and weaknesses. I am not almighty anymore but it is real.

And it is an odd place to have a job interview from. But well, this is how it is. The sun is shining and I am happy that I quit. Jeeeez, that funny job interview would have rocked my boat earlier. Still working on letting it settle in a good way but I do think it is exactly what needed to happen. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit because I am starting to feel peace in being me. Because when drinking I would have never met you in the sober blogosphere, never had to look for answers to my questions about life, never have had met the store man who seriously helps me with sorting out issues now. We speak on a weekly basis for about 4-5 hours on life, development and spirituality. It’s real good fun. πŸ™‚ Talking about personal development and laughing about our own inability to actually walk our own spiritual talk is just very funny and relaxing and I guess healing. πŸ™‚

I want: to sit in the sun and not worry.

I need: to send out 2 applications later in the day, hmmm, if I had done that yesterday when it was raining I could have gone out now. Hmmmm. Slowly, slowly, my ‘shoulds’ are starting to turn into smarter time management. There is still a lot of apprehension in me for doing stuff in general but the energy for starting things has actually come back with the seaweed I eat for the Iodine. And when I plan a walk on a day it actually happens at 14:00 hours now instead of just half an hour before the sun sets. πŸ™‚ I go to bed earlier and wake up with the alarm clock every few days 15 minutes earlier. I am aiming for 7:30 tomorrow. And I guess not taking the beta blockers helps because the leaflet inside said they make you go tired and numb, fat, sleepless and lacking energy in general. Good pills :-/ Stupid trap I fell in. I am actually still angry at the doctor who prescribed them. Need to work on that because it somehow keeps parts of me from moving forward. Not sure how that works. πŸ™‚ Another 12 step thing (working on resentment) that pops up naturally in the process of getting clear after having been addicted. I really think it is funny how that works – obviously the 12 steps are a ‘natural procedure’ that comes with getting clean and clear. I think I’ll do a post on that some day. But not now. Bright but still cold February sun is calling!

Hope you have a nice Sunday and enjoy being sober and/or clean. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

14 thoughts on “When I drank

  1. You seem much more upbeat and positive. What emotions do you have the hardest time with? Is it a specific one that comes up most, or is it a handful of different ones?
    Does the bookstore guy know how you feel about him? Sorry, so many questions.
    Emotions can feel extremely scary and overwhelming when we are sober. I have a hard time figuring out where mine come from and sometimes I don’t even know what emotion is flooding me. It’s good to hear you stopped the pills that are harmful. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Dustin,
      Now with looking for a job and having had this conversation I have most difficulty with saying goodbye to the IDEA that I was invinceable and able to do anything and everything. I have fallen of my (drunk) cloud and am busy to be born into the REAL world again. I am also mourning about the loss that comes with being unsuccesful with my company. It also scares me that I, due to being sober, seem to have become less able to fit in. More able to deal with people, but less able to fit in. And having difficulty fitting in was an issue always. Maybe me feeling omnipotent while drinking was a compensation for feeling that I did not fit in. Maybe it is also time to look at the idea of not fitting in. Funny that the bookstore man is a ‘avid follower’ of a guru teaching non-duality – which I believe is the thought that we suffer because we think we are separated from others and the world. πŸ™‚ Not sure if I am interested in these teachings but the thought that there is another principle next to experiencing separateness sure is interesting :-). I would have never thought of that. πŸ™‚
      I’m not actively in love with the bookstore man anymore. The idealisation has sort of lost its magic :-D. He is actually quite moody towards impolite customers (which I can sort of understand… but…. ) and after he gets into an argument he smokes weed. Both not very attractive. :-/ But, who am I to point fingers and he does know his shit on the subjects that I am interested in and he is good fun to be with when he is good fun to be with. πŸ™‚ I learn a lot. And haha, he knows I had to quit drinking so no illusions there. Seeing how his addiction works on him does not bring me into trouble anymore because it now only makes me realise I am happy that I quit and don’t have to go through the things he is going through which I imagine are lying to self about addiction, and not doing the actual work that life has in store for us. Sad :-(. But if that’s his road, it’s his road. It told him my spiritual growth has ‘improved?’ tremendously because I have no ‘way out’ anymore; personal development, spiritual growth have become my ‘way out’ of missery. If I get into a shitty situation I need to deal with it now. Can’t drink it away, and that it is good. πŸ™‚ He’s not buying it but that is ok too. πŸ™‚
      Thanks for reading and showing interest :-).
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • Being able to fit in with any group or ever changing crowd of individuals, is not a valuable or virtuous thing to be able to do. If you could easily fit in to any group of people, it means you have low standards for yourself. What happens if you are surrounded by selfish assholes? That wouldn’t be a group to fit in to. If you get a gut instinct or a vibe that you are not fitting in at some point, there is a valid reason for it I would argue. That is a good thing. πŸ™‚ That tug that draws us to fit in is biological tribalism and is difficult to break. Its not a bad thing per se, it did help us survive over the brutal years in the past. I have the same problem with people and I struggle with feeling like I want to fit in if I don’t. Just some random thoughts.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dustin! πŸ™‚ You may say random words but you have given me 3 beautiful words to describe a feeling that I had no words for: the Tug being the Biological Tribalism. Cool! Thank you! πŸ™‚ That was a piece of the puzzle that was missing. Wheeheeeee! Next step is: I want to belong but I am scared to have to give parts of myself up and ‘group’ usually demands that. Hmmmm…. stuck at the next level but making progress. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s what happens when I comment while at work. I have to do it without taking too much time so I don’t get the stink eye from other workers. Lol sorry. 😁 you should never give up a part of who u are for relationships. Unless it makes you a better person.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Go feelings! its awesome that you are making good progress! and progress is a hard journey – unfortunately there is no miracle cure, there is no quick easy way to learn about ourselves and manage our feelings, and without alcohol we cant block the feelings out anymore, but we find ourselves, tiny bit by tiny bit and sometimes it can all be so overwhelming and those days I just make sure that i dont drink, because we have ages to work it all out, actually i probably will never work it out but i will have fun trying! Its great that you have your bookstore guy to talk with – is he like a sponsor for you?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ghegheghe, no, the bookstore man is addicted to weed actually. But we have a lot of fun speaking about life and discovering shit during our interactions with other people. He’s really sensitive and I can actually feel him feeling things and reacting – and likewise – so that’s interesting. He is very much aware of energy exchange between people. And gets upset about them a lot now I come to think of it :-(.
      Do you have a sponsor? You are in some program not? I’m not in a programe or in AA. Just blogging, not drinking and feeling my way back into life. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • haha! feelings that sounds like fun at the book store – watching other people is fascinating dont you think? weed opens up the mind into some crazy perceptions but it can provide some really creative responses – a shame its addictive too! my sister in law is so addicted she chain smokes reefers all day; not good for her – or us!
        Yes im in the AA program and I love it – got a sponsor who went dancing yesterday in a room with other over 40’s – only tea and coffee provided – when i burst out laughing she was a bit offended and asked if she thought she would look funny dancing but i told her – no! just the concept of dancing without drinking is so wonderful! ahh the opportunities that are out there – the program provides these and keeps me grounded and connected with other alkies who understand me and accept me – its fantastic – i would be still drinking without the program – no doubt. But i fully understand there are many ways to recovery and us alkies have to find the right fit. Hope you have a lovely day – i am going to take my 2yo to the hairdressers. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, addictive it is. We used to learn at school that it was not addictive – that was before they grew the current strong types of weed.
        Glad you found your way in AA (sorry for the rhyme) – must be fun. I still live in this thought that I would not fit in. I’m guessing that one day I’ll go – but I sort of want to keep it as my last resort because I know something in me has to really KNOW that I need to be there, otherwise I will definitely not want to fit in. I have seen myself change when it comes to this subject and I guess it is a part of denial that is still alive that says; if you go look for help you are addicted. :-/ Well, let’s see if this attitude will change one day too. πŸ™‚ Loads of changes with becoming sober, loads of them.
        I’m off to bed. Have a nice day!
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

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