Insights brought on by ‘eating clean’.

Since last Friday I changed my food intake to no wheat, no dairy, no meat, no sugar, no additives. Vegetables, brown rice, little fruits, nuts, few eggs, some white fish only. The first three days I was ecstatic. But by now I guess my feelings are limited to ecstatic and depression – very addicty. Up to yesterday I was very pleased with the way it worked out. Less impulses from exciting flavours really brought my spirits down to earth and made me able to focus on a task longer than 2 minutes. I actually shutdown Facebook and mail when blogging and well, all those consequently. It was a big relieve. Also the fog out of my head cleared up. The Fog is still bothering me even though I am 5,5 months out of that prison called drinking.

The clean eating experience has the same tremendous effect on my body as quitting drinking did. I am glad I did not do them together, I would have been wiped off the planet with all the emotions and feelings and experiences coming through while the Fog lifts.

Yes I know I have been a [INSERT WORD] about sugar because I know it is bad, and for me more so than for most (non addicted) people because I have this physical condition that makes my body react to sugar like crazy. So taking care what I take in is important. And yet I did not anymore. A week ago I was up to half a bar of chocolate again (that is 50 grams of 85% chocolate now) a day. Even reading back in this blog gives me chocolate and sugar urges. I have that less with alcohol. Then again, I call it alcohol because if I would call it beer it would set off more triggers.

Yesterday, that would be day 6 of clean eating I guess, I suddenly had a sugar craving that was immense. Bigger than any alcohol craving I have experienced in my life – which might not be saying anything because I always gave into them until I decided to stop and then I killed the cravings when they even thought of popping up. So, well, not withstanding the comparison that is biased, I did have sugar cravings and the result was: GUILT! BLAME! SHAME! Wow….. overwhelming. Very informative, even though I had not worked out where it came from suddenly because I had not changed my food.

And it made me realise that I have been a pompous ass with people having difficulty with quitting alcohol – because for me, even though I was deep in, I think I had an easy time coming out. If it is even half as bad as what I had yesterday than… ok…. hmmm…. I think I start to understand why it is difficult. And I think I understand why Jason Vale has had such a success with his ‘don’t drink but juice’ approach because these juices contain all the minerals, vitamins and sugar to feed any cravings.

What did I do with my cravings? I ate a teaspoon of mulberries, and then another and then another and then I quit counting (sounds familiar?) Mulberries are very nice and ecological and whatever superfood they are but also at least 50% (natural, but still) sugar or so. I just wanted it to go away. I could not focus, did 10 things at the time again. Amazing. And no, I have not worked it out yet. Don’t know where it came from.

Another thing on food. I have a cold belly since yesterday when I ate rice with vegetables and fish in coconut broth. And the wise women said; don’t eat coconut products because they cool down your intestines. Coconut oil and products are meant for the tropics. I figured out that this is exactly why they grow in the tropics and not in Western Europe: we don’t need them. 🙂 I believe very much that the natural order is the natural order because a higher power I will call God here, saw that it was GOOD. If God had thought that eating coconuts in The Netherlands was a good idea, he would have planted them there. So…. pffff, another restriction to get me back onto the good path.

Guess I have to dive into the Ayurvedic teachings. For those who don’t know: Ayurveda is / are (?) ancient concept / teachings from India about healthy living. Amongst others it includes eating to the physical type that you are and where you live. To put it simple you can say that the fat lazy people who are sick need food to excite them and put some fire in them. And excited people who are so spirited that their candle burns out even before they are half-finished need foods to slow them down. (Don’t tell them that I simplified it like this… 😀 ) But ayurveda is very complicated to learn. Pfffff….. Maybe I should just visit an Ayurvedic doctor, make it easy on me instead of wanting to do everything myself.

So now again I have 10 things on my plate that I think I need to learn and somehow I think I need to do that BEFORE I get myself a job – which is ridiculous because by now I sleep bad at night over how to make ends meet in 3 months to come. My procrastinating has lessened, I can think of things and do them now, when they are small. My spark plug is restoring but the next thing to deal with is shame, fear and guilt. And the realisation that my internal guide might say: it is not time yet (even though the Time will be there within a few days), but an internal guide might not know about finances – or?

Also I am taking the time, when I can handle it, to look into feelings of discomfort. Because they are a guide too. The things I SHOULD be doing. :-D. It works, doing those things relaxes me. There is nothing wrong with 80% of the should’s I experience. I was looking for the pressure of the shoulds to go away but they are actually very good indications of things that need to be done. It is my idea that after I actually do those 80% I might want to look at the 20% of unreal expectations. Which is probably impossible because most likely I will not be able to differentiate between the 80 and the 20 otherwise they would not be in the same basket anyhow. As long as the 80% has a function to fire me on, which I realise by now that they don’t because the BLAME me and make me feel inadequate continuously.

Pffff, running in circles. I am loosing faith in my approach of feeling my way back into life. Maybe running in circles is nothing else but energy having build up because it can not go out another way. Maybe I should do some cleaning. 🙂

Running in circles because I don’t want to make a choice. As long as I don’t choose I am free. I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday, on romance. She said: I would love to be asked to marry by [insert description of prince]. But it never happened. I said: I have been asked 5 times (well, ringlessly probed) but I never said yes. The conclusion was: no matter with what idea you approach something, the results seem to be the same.

And I don’t want to say it because I get the feeling that I go off the planet here but: in the end it is all the same. Take away judgement, opinions, shame, guilt and then somebodies road is somebodies road. There are quicker roads, guided by that which is inherently good but even then, we will meet obstacles because nobody knows all about what is inherently good. What is bad has a function too. The circle of life does not stop after birth.

And just in case this vague insights are not true I think I might as well do my stuff on the earthly plane too :-D. I mean, I wasn’t put on this earth for nothing, I guess it should be an earthly experience. 🙂

I am happy that I quit and that I got out of that dark prison.

I want: things to be simple

I need: to organise and make choices.

I take: nothing, don’t know what, see I need. 🙂 I have started the alcohol desensitization again though. That is part of the deal: first you do 3 months of the test phase and answer questions and then you get access to the actual training that they think has most effect. It worked out I had been in the group of people doing the training that had most effect in the first place already. I like it. It gives me peace. And also, works as an indulgence in the religious version of that word: if I have not been thinking about being sober or filling in my life, I do a training session and I feel that I actually did do something. 🙂 Good for the low days.

I hope I have not bored you out of your chair by now. It may sound silly but I feel there is a still hidden purpose behind this blog that I am not aware off yet and that at some moment looking back to a complete development of me is going to be important and that it is part of my path. I don’t know. I’m going to put it down now, but I feel I am an object of study for someone, maybe a student. Paranoia mixed with megalomania is my favorite state of being. 😀 Have I left the planet? Pffff, not sure. If I have it is important to note this down because there comes a time when looking back is going to be important. If it were a friend of mine saying this I would think she had lost contact with earth by now. Psychosis, that is what I would think and my state of being sort of feels like that. So if you are a student and following my blog as a study project, please leave a note :-). And then again…. it doesn’t matter what superstition things I have because it is not going to feed me when the money runs out so I might as well get my ass moving!

Does any of you have that feeling, maybe it is vanity even, to think that your blog, apart from it being important to me, and possibly, hopefully here and there to other sober or addicted people, that there is something else, another purpose? Or maybe it is easier to get an answer to that without first telling that I think that is paranoia, megalomanic or psychotic :-D.  We shall see. 🙂

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

Still reading and psychological changes

Still reading Tommy Rosen’s ‘Recovery 2.0’. By now I guess you must be thinking that I read rather slowly. I do, I do. I want to know for sure that I did not read past sentences because I know me: resistance is big 🙂 and because of the denial I never know when it pops up. I have a highly developed capacity for looking away so… keeping me on a leash here and reading slowly and for the first time in my life actually marking sentences in a book! Well, in pencil. The book makes me happy and things fall into place. Up to now he describes his journey and his methode to feel his way back into life. I was already doing a some of the stuff which is why I am so happy I am reading this book: obviously my ‘feeling my way back method’ does somehow make sense. 🙂 And thankful that somebody went the road before me and puts things into place.

Suddenly I am very much drawn to mandalas. Not sure how this mandala fits in here but to me it does. To me it feels as what I am doing and how that relates to the universe.

Funny changes: since I started reading this book I am behind the screen a lot less. I just don’t like it anymore, it feels wrong. Rosen speaks of the ‘frequency of addiction’ –  I know exactly what he means and how it feels, I just did not know it had a name. It is what I dislike VERY MUCH and I guess it is my biggest motivation for wanting to be clear. And now I know why my goal is not ‘not drinking’ my goal has always been ‘being clear’, not drinking is part of that.

Well, the other thing that happens spontaneously is that I am (yes, up front very sorry to say this but I promised myself not to edit and I would edit if I would leave this out) not interested anymore in sober blog reading or writing for that matter. My ayahuasca spirit has revisited and repeats back from years ago: ‘All these opinions, don’t go there, it is not important.’  Which is what she said to me when doing my first or second ayahuasca sessions years ago. Guessing she is right. I am starting to want to listen to this internal voice more and more and make time for it. Hope is it not a ‘wandering off in seclusion thing’. Let’s see how this develops and how I will continue to develop if I don’t write stuff down. (There’s this voice saying: you might want to start connecting with people in real life….) Odd…. 😀

Next: I am starting to really see the clutter in my house and really notice how this system of looking away from it works. I am trying to keep my attention there where it hurts but that does not work yet. Not going to force it (ghegheghe) I am cleaning way more than I have don over the last, say 2 years? And not only ‘because someone is coming’.

Important questions these days: ‘What is your favorite way to spend time?’

Answer at any moment: ‘So why are you in front of the computer now?’

I am not sure anymore if I am happy that I quit because the big negatives are sort of disappearing out of sight. However, last night I dreamed that I forgot I had quit and drank a glass of wine at a party and WHAAAAA I wanted the whole bottle and remembered: O yeah, that’s what it was like…. let’s not do that.

That’s were I am sometimes: either in mandala land happily learning stuff or in purgatory, in the hell that is not hell but deals an eternal suffering because there is time but no movement. So time passes but nothing happens, no consequences but no growth and improvements either. Guessing that is where I weigh my actions, systems, blockages, all that what keeps me away from living. Sometimes it irritates me, sometimes I am ok with my stalling. I’m going fast enough as it is. Purgatory does have a function. The path is the destination even though it sometimes looks like this:

Well, if that is what it is, that is what it is.

Post Scriptum: Looked up the person in the mandala online. Wiki says: She is an Anuttarayoga Tantra iṣṭadevatā and her practice includes methods for preventing ordinary death, intermediate state (bardo) and rebirth (by transforming them into paths to enlightenment), and for transforming all mundane daily experiences into higher spiritual paths^.

Preventing ordinary death by quitting drinking – check!

In bardo – check! It’s funny that I write about purgatory which well, could be seen as the Christian name for bardo in the one post with the mandala that I know shit about. The Universe is amazing now I quit drinking :-).

Transforming mundane experiences into higher spiritual paths – check! The path is the destination. All what comes is what should be.

3 Months and 159 posts further

3 Months sober today. 🙂 I think I’ve done well. By now I’m experimenting a little with the level of self-care that I need. I was getting tired of always taking care and continuously thinking of NOT drinking – but I’m guessing that is a dangerous road that needs to be treaded carefully. Washing my face because I have been kissed on the cheek by somebody that oozed alcohol is still a good idea, taking 4 meals a day in order to prevent low blood sugar levels is not necessary anymore because I have stabilized a more.

I don’t worry anymore of going to places where there are people drinking, it has become like not smoking now; I don’t because it is awful.  Having said that…. I do have tiny, tiny little thoughts on drinking or impulses so now and then. Specifically at changing scenes that surround leaving a place or event. Most likely this relates to my former drinking behaviour where I would drink 2-3 glasses around people, go home and ‘fill up’. Ieeehks. I am now paying extra attention to entrances and exits.

There is this HALT abbreviation and it says to prevent hunger, anger, loneliness and being tired. For me hunger (low blood sugar levels) and being tired are most dangerous. I don’t get angry easily and loneliness is something that might, I don’t know, have not paid a lot of attention to.

I’ve become more social lately with 2-3 social meetings in a week, sometimes 4. That is a little too much for me. I used to have a friend who had been addicted to soft- and harddrugs. We used to meet for diner in the city and after dinner she would go home immediately because she (said she) was tired. I never understood. Now I do. It takes a hell of a lot more energy to neatly present myself according to my new socially polite standards than it does to drink, let my aura hang loose and say and do whatever I thought was funny. Specifically staying centered, really listening and not pushing my story is something I consciously practice. And yes, that is still in practise phase. (Last night at singing lessons we ran late because I was last on stage 😀 )

Still not getting on with my life. That worries me. But with what I learn every day I guess, well, that is how it is for now. Small changes are happening, like cleaning the house more often because I see that it is dirty and do not shrink into myself anymore in order to avoid seeing it. There was denial in my housekeeping too. AND do not moan about it to myself anymore because I am (starting to) accept(ed) that I will do what I can do. Also, I am starting to like to sit still and just listen. My cat fell asleep on my lap last week, in all the 4 years that she has lived here she only started to sit on my lap since I quit.

Happy that I quit, a little tired of the work, but I guess I need to up the fun more with social activities and learning on a personal level like singing or theatre and… work (?).

Being sober so far is about The Decision and maintaining it constantly. It is about listening to myself, taking care of EVERY tiny issue before it becomes a big one. It is about shaping the circumstances in which that is doable like eating healthy, getting the right nutrients in, sleeping enough, being with the right people.

And sobriety to me is very much about knowledge too: reading the books and blogs of those who went before us on the sober path and learning from that.

And it is about self-exploration, about being honest to myself in real life; The Middle. The Middle is not very clear yet but it is coming. This is where it was/is difficult to deal because it is about really being and not about the made-up, glorified self I liked to be. Or, on the other extreme; the made-up stupid self I hated to be – or possibly liked because it also prevented me from dealing with what really IS.

Of course being sober is about blogging too :-). The blogging forces me to think about what I am doing and feeling. Now I’ve come to 3 months it is starting to be like a little history too which is somehow cool. It is also about getting to know you, reading about your struggles and triumphs and normal days, knowing that you are out there and that I am not the only one walking this road. That is good. And… of course I am very happy with you reading my blogs, liking posts (yes I like that 🙂 ), commenting, adding, informing me.

Last but not least: sobriety is about becoming my true self while throwing away the rubbish and dealing with the issues that are keeping me away from being aligned with my spirit.

Additional physical and psychological changes

Earlier I did some posts on physical and psychological changes that I notice on my mission to become clear. The current physical changes are small but important, well, to me. Very exciting. Well, again, to me. I am happy about them :-).

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– One that I am very happy about: the fluffy down like hairs that start at my ears and run to the middle of my cheeks are disappearing. Not sure if it is because of not drinking or because of taking kelp pills and therefore improving the workings of an important gland, forgot the name, and thus reducing the hairs.

– My sleeping improved big time when I quit drinking and then got a little worst and now with help of some herbal tea has greatly improved again. One night I actually slept without waking up once. It is AMAZING how much energy I had when waking up. Expressed in figures that is 3 times as much. No wonder I don’t get to do so much. By now I think that ‘Do you sleep well?’ should be the number 1 question of every doctor in this world.

– Since a day or two I can feel the area behind my shoulder blades starting to relax. Friends noticed that my posture has changed: ‘Huh? Have you grown taller since last week?’ 🙂 Guessing it is good. And… and… they mentioned: ‘You are opening up.’ 🙂 NEW!!!

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I have a extensive library with movies on DVD – yeah, showing my age… – but I don’t like them anymore. NEW!!! All these movies have this ‘quick fix’ quality to it. Guess it is time for a library and museum card.

– Long intro: A few days ago I went to a store opening from a friend of mine. I had expected that it was sort of private event because I got this one line mail ‘dropping by for a drink at 18:00 hours?’ invitation – which amongst the two of us is not unfriendly or impolite though it did work out to be a tiny bit impractical. I replied that I was going to drop by but that I did not drink anymore. I like doing that upfront so I don’t have to deal with their first reaction in real life.

We go way back so I went and thought: It is going to be as usual; crate of beer, bag of chips, have a drink and chat, see what the store is going to be like when it is finished. This time I don’t drink and I did not feel like bringing flowers or booze (obviously) so I fried up some eco chicken wings. I did think of dressing up nicely because I am hoping to find a job in this field so whatever the occasion, showing up in my old jeans was not going to do it. Thus I arrived with my greying hair al nice, fresh and curly, me polished, a little make-up (NEW!!!), a tiny bit of parfume (NEW!!), dress, boots… and yes, a box with fried chicken wings. 😀

The event worked out to be a party….. with loads of succesful people from the industry, a Italian buffet and I and my hidden box with chicken wings. I was a little flustered but all I had to do was breathe and remind myself of my newly discovered skills of centering, keeping the bad stuff out and wanting to really connect with people.

I did. I reminded myself that ‘they can drink but I don’t have to’, ‘I can leave whenever I want to’, straightened my back and smiled to make it appear that belonged and walked in.  And yes, sorry for the posing, but this is business too.  Went to say hi to the host and all of a sudden, I was in a conversation with a nice guy who was explaining about his therapy and personal growth path. Yes, you read that correctly: guy + personal growth path + speaking about it publicly. No, not gay. (Yes, prejudice.) The evening continued and I found out that the host was not drinking either because ‘there needs to be someone who is sober’. NEW!!!

This is a long long intro to the point in psychological change I am getting to. I met 3 guys that separately from each other told me that they had stepped down in ambition and started working for themselves so they can manage their own hours because they have an ambitious wife. They decided to not do the race to the top but just open their own toko to create some rest in their life, take care of the kids and allow their partner to do their racing.

What is new? NEW!! Is that I normally only meet man who are very demeaning towards women and say things like ‘Pffff, my wife thinks that she has something to say about her yoga classes. Well, not on my evening out.’ Or ‘I wanted to go to Asia but my wife was moaning about the long trip and the children but hey, I am paying so we went.’

And during one of the fun and serious conversation we had, one of the above men actually teared up over something I said that he thought was very beautiful. NEW!! New that I meet men that can listen and be touched by what is going on. Yes I make this about me, not about him. 😀

Thirdly new: we spoke about the an experience where I discovered that I put grieve between me and all things happening in my world. So no matter what is going on I only tend to see the bad stuff happening. The conversation continued and half an hour later one of the guys replies to a sentence of mine: ‘This is where you are putting grieve between you and a good experience.’ He was right. I was. And this is so NEW!!! No, not that he was right…. (well, a little..) but that I (yes I make this is about me again…) meet people (MEN! Yes, sorry…. Well, sorry-ish) who really listen and without wanting to outsmart me, relate back to what I exposed of myself. NEW!!!

By now you might be wondering: Were there women too? Yes, there were a few but they were all 15-20 years younger, drinking and looking ready to adore the handsome men that were there. Of whom a few were drinking and longing to be adored. So no, I did not speak with the girls. That would be really, really new. 🙂 They were all drinking like crazy, is that a good excuse?

What else was new? I could handle myself without drinking no problem. I have never really experienced that as a problem but I notice now events like these are way better without the booze.  NEW!!! But also thanks to Debra Fine, the author of one of my favorite books: ‘The fine art of small talk’ who/that has tought me a lot in this. Read it online in a pdf form or better: buy it. The title is a bit off; it is not about gossipy small talk, it is about conversations, how to start and maintain them and all the social insecurities that may go with it and how to counter these. Really a good book for the sober tool box.

I left the party when an old friend (one of those that I slowly let go) turned to the serious drinking and I did not want to be in his line of sight when he would look up from his glass.

I did eat chicken wings for breakfast, lunch and diner the next day. 🙂

I am happy that I quit but back to the ‘why does it take so much energy’ because it does take a lot of energy and I need to re-adjust now I can’t zoom out with a movie anymore because my taste in movies has changed. But! New books comming on Monday. And maybe it is time to start visiting AA. (Did I really say that?)

I give up – says the addict

I was just rereading my former post about the addict voice giving me a run for my money and being grateful for that because it makes me stronger. And inside I hear the addict say: ‘I give up.’ And he left. And I feel free.

….. And I should not have started to write about that because it pulled me away from the experience.

Wow. However, it is a strong lesson in: Guard closely who and what you allow into your body and mind.

Grateful

Today the woman who I have written about before as ‘the nutritionist friend’ and I met and again and with her presence and how she is rooted in the world she has tought me the existence of an emotion that was not in my emotional vocabulary: gratefulness.

I am grateful to GP1 for having picked me up and made me realise that the shame I felt about drinking actually stopped me from doing something about it. I am grateful to me for picking me up. I am grateful to the good voice in me that is guiding the way. Yeah! I am even grateful for that nagging addict inside that gives me a run for my money and therefore makes me stronger. Maybe I am overdoing it a bit. I am grateful for my friends who support me with fun gettogethers and who don’t bug me about not drinking. I am grateful that I get to feel happiness again and again. I am grateful that I learn -although it is way easier to be grateful when I am learning the happy stuff than when I am learning the difficult stuff- true, true.

Today I learned that:

‘Nothing can be solved in one day.’ This still clashes with my feelings of omnipotence but somewhere I am starting to believe that I could imagine that there could be a hint of truth in that which counts for some people some day, possibly including me at a certain stage. Let’s say I will keep the option open. Which, now I come to think of it, is rather funny because I don’t get any shit done apart from well that. Brrrrrrr, that is a can of worms, not going there.

‘It gets easier.’

‘Everything starts tiny.’ I need to learn to respect that.

In stead of berating me I can say: ‘I will do what I can.’

I need to relax about food. 🙂

But most of all: I am doing well. I can be proud of that, and even if I was not doing well I can be proud because I put in the work that I can. And that is what I can. Funny, I think of myself as lacking in everything but I do take being clear very serious. I guess I have been expecting that with work comes reward and the reward will make me feel good. But the reward of the emotional work I do is clarity. Because there’s stuff I fear, clarity sometimes hurts. Hmmmm… now there’s a notion: instant fixes are not at hand anymore. Where have I heard the need for the instant fix before….?

In explaining what keeps me from drinking / what keeps me from connecting ‘good’ and ‘alcohol’ I found that I have found another ‘good’ or a Good. That is connecting with me, listening to the good voice inside.  aligning with the concept of good behind that voice.

So. Today I am grateful, happy and proud of what I have achieved. 4 Days short of 3 months sober. I am happy that I quit and happy that I have come to newly meet wonderful people in my real life and here in the blogosphere.

Hope you all have a good weekend. 🙂

To be heard

Today was the ‘free your voice’ class. I ended up crying during one of the exercises. No, not sobbing and loosing it, just eyes leaking. I am fine with that, guessing the group was as well. It is very intense after all. It is a very safe group too anyhow.

The group teams up in teams of 2 and 1 sings to the other while the teacher plays the piano as background music. This is not a singing lesson so there is no song to sing, there are no lines, no melodies, nothing, the singer just sings, chants, whatever comes. The idea is to stay with the note(s) that is/are there and let come what wants to come out. Yes, vague, vague, give it a try if you have objections about the actual use of it – you will see. :-D.

The excercise starts while the singer has the eyes closed. After a while, when the singer has found her (yes, all hers) singing legs she opens her eyes. I tried to open my eyes. I could not. And I cried. About being heard. The excercise was that the other person would listen and she listened so beautifully and vulnerably that I just sang and cried. I could feel her be with me and listening without expecting support me in my singing. So I sang.

And… I realised that I don’t trust people to listen. From there on I speak out loudly, a lot of times just put my opinion out there, not taking others into consideration since ‘they don’t listen anyhow and if they could they don’t hear, if they hear they don’t comprehend.’ Sorry, 10.000 times sorry. This is how it is. I wish it was not. I am guessing growing up with a father who has Aspergers and a mother who is always tired because she is ill results in the feeling of not being heard and understood. Add to that a lack of social skills and there you are. 😦

In real life I think I tend to hide in plain sight. So many people think I am very strong and self-confident because to them I seem to act like that. By now I think it is because I sort of block them out because I imagine that they do not hear me and do not care.

I feel that the openness of my blog has to do with this too. Even the likes and the beautiful comments and the 200 hits per day of the last weeks, even with I still don’t believe people actually hear me. I feel unheard. With that I do not mean that I want to have the intention not to speak with you or hear you either, it is ‘just’ that being heard is not a concept to me. Being heard is something that happens at the therapist and even then: from where it is, most of the time things need changing and it cannot be or stay.

I realise now that I did not listen to me either. Drinking had a lot to do with covering up my internal voice and on top of that stilling the pain that I got from that. This blog is an exercise in learning to listen. I see that now. Feeling my way back into life in a different way every day but it is happening. Again and again. 🙂

During the evening I became more comfortable less uncomfortable with my new found notion and let myself go with the flow, be carried by the others more than to dissociate myself within my own thoughts and fears. Trust. NEW. Like. 🙂

We finished with singing a simple line together and I suddenly had it in me to make up second voices. I remembered that’s how my dad and I used to sing together during doing the dishes or evening walks. He would sing or whistle a song and I would make up second voices and then we’ld trail off and make our own song. Times were good then.

So I’m getting there, even if it is not singing normally with the crowd but with making up second voices. Well, it is where I was today and I learned a lot.

Happy that I quite because I would not have had this experience and insight. 🙂

Happy that I quit

Hi all!

I Just want to say that I am happy that I quit drinking.

And I am guessing that some of the erratic posts that I write may give you the idea that I am a total mess. Which could well be true. But nothing, nothing, nothing in my life is going to get better when I drink. Isn’t that cool?

I was looking to force my emotions towards normality by drinking. Now I find that I can steer my way through life way easier when not drinking. It does not always feel easier, but the steering is. And I haven’t got the hang of it, still not always walking the talk in being able ‘to choose my reaction’ (to admin e.g.), and I don’t know if that is ever going to be so. But there is an opening and there is light. Before there was deep, deep hole and it was pitch black and nobody knew I was there.

And with that, thank you for visiting my blog, reading, liking, commenting, because it helps. It helps me realise that I am not alone, it makes me want to shine light in the darkness and on the darkness. I think, sometimes, often I am afraid that what I write is strange and uncomfortable to read. Still I stick with it, because if I start to do the editing, I feel as if I am doing exactly what went wrong with me before; covering up the weirdness and the pain. Hiding. And I want to be clear and I need to let the light in. 🙂

Still not sure if I should write with disclaimers and all, I mean, past performance does not guarantee future results. It is an addiction after all. But I guess just like not thinking about drinking in the future, I should not worry about thinking about drinking in the future. I am not in the future. I am here! And sober! And happy! 🙂

A time of insight and sunlight. 🙂 Happy. 🙂

I have alcohol dependency, works out that I have ‘human’ too.

I was just happily commenting along a post of Alcoholicsguidetoalcoholism when Paul commented: ‘We are all perfectly imperfect, it’s called ‘being human’.

 ‘Shit!! Do I have that?’

That is indeed what I thought. I felt caught, trying to find a way out, looking for arguments. Did not exactly work, or it did. This is another one of those posts where I let the crazy out. See what it does. It eh, does its crazy stuff allright.

I always thought (think?) I could just, just scrape by and not be human. Being human? That is ok in itself. For others. Being fallible? I sympathise with you. Really, I do. 🙂

How did that get there? And if I am not human, what am I? Trying to feel my way into this subject. And no, I am not crazy. Or maybe I can not judge that myself. Just trying to find out how it can be that I do not accept the humanity part (no… not part….). And the road to accepting that seems to be closed so I’ll beat around the bush a little, see what comes up.

Lacking female examples I think I am Thorgal. This is Thorgal:

This is Thorgal too:

How he got into this world:

He has a wiki page:

Thorgal Aegirsson: Son of Varth and Haynee, grandson of Xargos -captain of a spaceship on a way to Earth in search of energy sources. Raised by Vikings (after the spaceship crashed on Earth) but not one of them, he shows traits of character and morality that many Vikings consider those of a weak man. In reality, if need be, he is a courageous and skillful warrior and an exceptionally skilled archer. His life’s goal is to find a place for himself and his family to live in peace. For a time they strip him of his memory, and he becomes the pirate lord Shaigan, though his compassionate personality remained unchanged.

What comes up?

‘If I am human I AM A SUPERHUMAN!!! I MUST be very different from everybody else. Sure I wasn’t born. I was a revelation!’

Yesterday I was feeling cocky, now I am omnipotent. 🙂 Tomorrow I am a god, no, not a god, tomorrow I am a God. Note the capital. And note that I am a God, that is funny. Why not God? Or the God? There are bounderies to my omnipotence. 😀 Funny.

If somebody else was saying this I would get really angry.

‘WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!!’

But still, I would not get past that because I would be angry because I would think the other would try to outdo me in being special. So it is dangerous not to be special. And the other is not allowed to out-special me. Need to stay with that. Going to let the crazy do the talking:

‘Don’t you dare be more special than I! Don’t you dare get out of this misery while we are still here! Don’t you dare to qualify for the love that I do not receive!!!’ Crying now.

‘Not enough love to go around. Lacking. Lacking, lacking something. Don’t know. I can’t be lacking love. I don’t need that. Stuff the security talk, there is no such thing! Piss off!! Get lost!!!! ‘ Crying now.

Today I want to feel special, not even normal. Just special.

‘Being special keeps me away from the groping hands. If I were special guys would not grope. They would worship and fear me.’

‘If I am human I could die. Shiiiiiiit.’

Those wer random thoughts popping up when I question myself. Nasty shit. I think I’ve had enough for today, no solution there yet, just information.

‘Ha! ‘Solution’, such a human word.’

Why don’t I allow myself to be human?

‘Where it is human it is alive, where it is alive it can die.’

Change of feelings: I am trying now to feel human and accept I can live and die. Yeah. 🙂 🙂 🙂 There it is…. I have plunged into my body! 🙂 🙂 🙂 That is NEW. My heart is happy, literally! It sings! 🙂 It is all connecting in my upper body and my head is with it. And lower body.

‘If it is sacred it can be demolished. Wear the taboo on your sleeve, it will scare people away.’

That last part is on promiscuous behaviour. And so much for the crazy of today. With unexpected ‘solution’. 🙂

Happy that I quit. It is, aaahr, quite invigorating. Here I was, thinking sobriety would be boring.

All of it has been said already