Hmmm, tough days in the past. Demons attack. And…. they have been warded off by a hell of a good Bach Remedy mix and a visit to the GP :-). Life is strange. Hypochondria is a bitch. And, well, since I wrote most of this post one day and now continued I have added this sentence to it in hindsight: it’s a funny post. Real Feeling style, but I’m not sure if there is anything in here that can be of help to anyone. Not sure why I’m writing this disclaimer. I think I am a bit afraid that you’ll think I am batshit crazy. Well, I felt I was. Demons, demons, demons.
I’m under pressure for 3 things: 1 year anniversary coming up and my fear of ‘well, you have been sober but you have not improved one bit in your life’. The other thing is ‘if I can not drink for a year, I am not an addict’ and from there on somewhere the realisation that I really am addicted dropped into my mind. I’m thinking that part of this ‘I can do this’ behaviour has been to prove myself, but possibly more the outside world, that I’m not addicted. Keeping up appearances is big in me. Slowly now the realisation is sinking in and shit do I hate it. Walking around with this timebomb, in a world that breeds addicts and there is very little place to hide from the insanity of the outside world. The 19 bags of empty bottles friend stayed over the other night. He knows about me having had to stop drinking, then goes on advertising the beers he is going to drink before he gets to my place and when I move away because I’m full in this alcohol breeze he’s like ‘I didn’t drink a lot’.
‘Smells different to me.’
There was meanness in that. I’m guessing I’m still doing the addict thing where we (i!) tend to point at others who are worse in order to try to get away with our (my!) own behaviour. Nasty. But ha! he deserved it. I do not appreciate my meanness though, it is not within control.
Back to the original post: Again, it is about my transfer of life’s issues to imagined diseases. This time I was having an imagined heart attack. My left shoulder and arm are hurting, sometimes badly, from tendon infections and the pain and my general stress cause tension which seeps into my arm all the way up to the tips of my fingers sometimes. And because of the stress I can’t read or look up what I would need to do heal it.
Obviously… the tendon infection is NOT enough for me, I was thinking…. this pain was masking an upcoming heart attack. I can wake up at night and panick floods me but I don’t realise that. My thinking brain is not on even though it acts as if it is while listing all these signs and totally agreeing with me rationally about the panick situation. When I stay in bed the whole world falls apart in my imagination and I am totally taken in by this horror. The second I sit up right I realise that I am in some kind of weird dunno what. I don’t know a lot of people who have this, but my brother has it too.
So, obviously I did not die the night before last. But the morning was not funny either. Yesterday I was at the bookstore and we threw a I-Tjing on my situation which pointed at hexagram 44. Depending on what book you read it is about addiction (surprise!), or at least the darkness that suddenly pops up again after having been driven away. Or…. innocent signs which are actually signs of a serious disease. And then I trew 44 AGAIN the next morning which is a change in I believe 1 in 4096. So obviously I was about to die of this awful disease (and disregarded the rest of the whole thing which suited me well because it was about man and forward women).
I am very sure that I am EXACTLY where I need to be – apart from the fact that I am not moving in the world as you know it, not doing the work and money things which would be very logical. Events are unfolding and I am walking a scary path but I do think that it is my path – however uncomfortable. Brené Brown’s book has helped me to unveil some of the shame that shrouded my awareness. From there on things unfolded, literally; for days I felt like being surrounded by a big waterlily that kept unfolding its leaves. And so the world, my history kept unfolding itself, situations because reappeared in a different light and again, my history was re-written. That is powerful stuff, and exhausting. And strange, because there is this tendency to think that what was in the past, can not change. It is my experience that it can.
With that experience I got into another ‘world’ – not sure how to call it. I touched upon it earlier in a post. People speak of different worlds and I never understood that, but by now I have come to get a feel of it. It has something to do with what one believes to be reality. I have been moving in something I call a shaman type of reality with the flower of energy unfolding and unfolding and unfolding into eternity. Like this photo, but standing and continuously. I wonder how my ‘mind’ (?) comes up with these things.
The other day in conversation with the book store man I felt this energy donutty thing like below. What I felt included my feet but slightly. And what it did is take energetic knowledge from the outside, internalize it, transform it and externalize it. It was a sort of energetic knowledge exchange thing. It is ‘easy’ to speak simple true words and ‘easy’ to understand in that mode. I just googled ‘energy donut’ and later added chakra, finally found ‘torus’ – that’s what the donut is called. 🙂 I wish I knew somebody who could tell me what it is all about.
And the day before yesterday, or earlier, I lost it and slowly the world started to drop away beneath my feet. I remember somebody writing about tectonic plates shifting. Mine fell one after the next and left me floating in a Matrix sort of reality where all this, dunno, info I used to base my life on was falling away from me. Like seeing your life fly past you but not just in front and in big things but in tiny things and all around like a curtain of little pieces of information endlessly dropping, dropping, dropping. Still, I don’t know what the heck is going on only that this is what is supposed to happen even though it is very uncomfortable.
Another uncomfortable experience: feeling / experiencing the world as such that the flesh is falling of my face and my bones, again, continuously. I’m thinking I need a shaman to tell me stuff. The book store man was in a dark, dark, dark, dark mood so not accessible for any insights on this. He is in a bad place, very much like I was last year and I realise again and again that this so-called ‘falling in love’ has NOTHING to do with anybodies reality but being a projection of my longing for belonging. I don’t know anything about him. Which is/was a good learning experience all in all. Bit dark, bit hopeless, bit sickening with all the longing going on. Bit irritating to be doing the transfer of addictions but… a learning experience. Sigh.
And then I could not take it anymore and this heart attack thing came up. Damn! I even saw a Netflix movie (The proposal) where the grandmother was faking a heart attack. Talk about synchronicity….
Uncomfortable stuff which pops up and….. leaves. I wish somebody could tell me what is going on. And on the other hand, I don’t really want to pay too much attention to it because it very much feels like going crazy. I know I’m not crazy, I’m an airplane. 😀
So, I took a whole bunch of Bach remedies in order to get myself sorted out. Panick mix:
Larch: for faking illnesses in order to escape growing or growing pains.
Mimulus: for extreme fear of specific things like illnesses.
Rock Rose: for, well, against, panick
Aspen: for fear experiences which are based sort of outside the body in the, dunno, I call it the in between, and in this case the place where the scary ghosts hang out, not the angels.
Scleranthus: for 10.001 impressions and not knowing what the hell is going on.
Agrimonie: the addict remedy, for not wanting to look at what is really going on
Chicory: for claiming or wanting to claim, for being the person who nobody would like to help.
Start of Bethlehem: for tiny, medium or big trauma.
Clematis: for being unreal
Chestnut bud: for NOT LEARNING WHAT I SHOULD BE LEARNING.
That’s quite a mix, all in all a quarter tea spoon of drops of alcohol in a pint of water which I kept on filling up after I had a few sips. Did the alcohol bother me? No. Bach remedies are (still?/again) in the medicine compartment in my head so there is no drink link. I cuddled the cat and she backed away though and looked frightened and as if she tried to remember what and why.
The GP congratulated me on being sober for 11 months plus. She also told me that she thought I carried too much and that my shoulder pain was part of that. She said: ‘What you did is very good, and looking at how it worked out I think it is a very good way for you to work it all out yourself. But it seems like it is time to learn to accept help because your body is telling you that you can not bear it anymore.’
‘What therapy do you think I should take?
‘No, health stuff. Don’t go there, go do something enjoyable. You just told me you can’t read your homeopathy books anymore, back away from worrying and do something you like. And learn to ask for help. This conversation we are having is a step in that. You do not look like the person who would be given help spontaneously, you have this closed ‘I can do it all by myself thing’ over you. Work on that.’
‘I caaaahaaaaaaaaaaant…. snif, snif.’
‘People will blackmail me into doing stuff I don’t want.’
If there is anything about me which makes me easy to help it is that I’m always honest(like). Wonder what my therapist (Hi! 🙂 ) would say about that. And this answer actually looks VERY much like a control issue. Well, real help, the sort that is freely given and is not an ego thing of somebody is hard to come by. And I can’t even do it myself even though I have been at the receiving end of being forced into ‘help’ and know what not real help looks like. Maybe I should make it a subject or a post. 😀
I am happy that I quit. More so also because again I met with another bipolar person. They seem to come popping up out of nowhere in my life. Apart from thinking I have a heart attack I am afraid that I could be bipolar and the word bipolarity suddenly pops up everywhere. I have self diagnosed BP2, obviously. Well, it would explain A LOT. And then I decide that I do not care because I’m seeing the Ayurvedic doctor and Ayurveda says ‘bipolar is just another imbalance of the person’. How astute. 😀
Noticing how I always make a situation worse in my mind and continue thinking: pfiew, happy that I quit. Hypochondria, one day, one day I will have to look at that too. Not today, my arm is hurting. 😀
I take: Bach remedies and Ayurvedic stuff. Some chocolate but the larger quantities now make me nauseous which is totally unfair obviously.
I need: rest
I want: ha, it all to be over and things to be easy
3 Things: this post, nice chat with the book store man online today, insights, lots of insights, and napping on the balcony in the sun. And of course a long walk along the beach with a new friend but I’m not sure if I can reply the friendship because I am a little bit afraid of her.
On discipline: well, needing to find discipline has sent me all over the place. I am guessing part of my condemnation of not being able to find discipline is driving the demons. Ooh, when laying in bed and being utterly scared, suddenly the fears got a face and a body, like on thangka’s. That was cool because it made me realise that it were demons / fears / things which can be dealt with one way or the other, on day or the other.
Still I have no clue of where I’m heading but I still do think I’m doing what should be done. Which is weird because it has been the other way around all my life. Knowing exactly where I was heading but still feeling that what I did was wrong. Hmmm, food for thought.
Hope you found something in it. Still feel I need to apologize for another ‘out there’ post. Well, this is how my process goes. That’s what I document. It is strange. I never thought I would walk this path. But I do. It is strange to me too but it feels appropriate.
‘My sweater is on backwards and inside out… and you say how appropriate.’
Project sober Feeling.